Here is the MST3K treatment of our CH1.
Disclaimer: The Slayers characters and setting, as well as the Evangelion
characters and setting, belong to some very nice people who aren't us.
Please, `very nice' people, don't sue us. This is not meant to infringe on
copyright, and is not meant to make money. Anyone who's read fanfics knows
this. Please feel free to distribute this as you like.
-- Listar MIME Decryption --------------
-- Decode : from quoted-printable...
Elmer Studios presents...
------------------------------------------------------------------------
MSTing no. 34. The conclusion to Hellstorm Evangelion. Help.
Hellstorm Evangelion is copyright Issei Mataloun, who needs serious help.
Realy.
Evangelion is copyright Gainax.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
[The scene - a well furnished apartment, with two couches in an L formation
in front of a large cabinet that includes a wide-screen TV and video
recorder. The apartment has a few doors to who-knows-where, and a small
kitchenette. A coffee table sits in front of the two couches, and a desk,
home to a well-equipped PC sits off to one side.]
[Tsuneo and Rick enter, chatting]
Rick: Well, I got 50% right, which could have been worse.
Tsuneo: I don't really blame you. No-one expected Taruchi to do *that*
well.
Rick: I reckon he would have done worse if he was alongside the *real*
Mally, though.
Tsuneo: Somehow I agree with you. I wasn't surprised by the first match,
though.
Rick: I've gotta agree. I was originally placing my money on the psycho
nerd, but after a while I realised that DJ was just too perfect to lose.
[Dan and Rebecca enter]
Dan: I don't care. I still say there's no way a little punk can beat a
professional wrestler. I lost 50 bucks on that Scythe guy.
Tsuneo: [Bitterly] How could he lose? DJ's a professional *everything.*
Rebecca: You've never seen him in action, Dan.
Dan: So what, you bet on him?
Tsuneo: Yeah. Fifty bucks.
Dan: Hey, that's my fifty!
Tsuneo: No way, loser.
Rebecca: Well I managed a 75% call. I'm rather impressed.
Tsuneo: Me too. Hell, no-one guessed Taruchi would be that good.
Dan: Man... I only won on the last match, and the bookie wouldn't give
me it. He said they cheated too much.
Rick: What, like the Horde didn't?
Dan: Well, that's what the bookie said.
Rebecca: What, Dan, you put money on Nav?
Dan: Ah, I knew he'd cheat. Well, even more than the Horde. Actually,
I was hoping they'd just nuke the place while they were both in the
ring. Save everyone some trouble.
Rick: And let Kronos keep the belt?
Dan: Natch. Hell, I'd take him myself.
[Rick, Tsuneo and Rebecca break out laughing]
Dan: Hey! It's not funny!
[Tsuneo mutters something and wanders over to the computer]
Rick: Well who'd you prefer to have the belt, then?
Rebecca: Nav!
Dan: That was a no-brainer. I tell ya, she's got a crush on him.
Rebecca: Nah, he's too young.
Rick: I'd say Nav as well, but only because the other two are worse.
Dan: I'd have to say Kronos.
Rebecca: What, let a Gonterman avatar hold it after reading SMAK?
Dan: Well, he's not evil like Kefkain or psycho like Nav.
Rebecca: That's debateable.
Tsuneo: Sorry to butt into your rantings, but we've got some fanmail.
Dan: Hey, cool!
[They all cluster around the computer]
Tsuneo: First up... Another one from Keith Palmer!
I suspect it took dedication to return to MSTing "Hellstorm Evangelion".
Issei Mataloun didn't improve with practice, and I think he got worse. (I
don't know whether to feel sorry for him for presenting such a bad fanfic
to the attention of the world, or worried for what his work says about him.)
Rebecca: Definitely worrying.
But, on the positive side, the MSTing of the second part was very funny.
Much of it undoubtably came from the sheer badness of the fanfic, but your
riffs were quite good at pointing out the fanfic's miserable excesses, and
funny in their own way. (Still, I'm glad there are still bad fanfics out
there to be MSTed, as opposed to the merely mediocre. At the other end of
the spectrum, it would be nice if you followed this work with the next
MSTing of Neon Exodus Evangelion. I can see how working with a new person
on that, though, might slow you down.)
Dan: Actually, that one's all Shinji's fault. He keeps saying he'll get to
it...
Rebecca: Shut up! [Clobbers Dan] Do you want to get us kicked out of SVAM?
Dan: Ow...
Keith Palmer | Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than
krjpalme@sciborg.uwaterloo.ca | they appear.
University of Waterloo |
Rick: Thanks again, Keith. It's great to know someone appreciates what
we're going through in here.
Tsuneo: And one from Rob C. Bungie...
On 'Hellstorm Evangelion 2':
Wow. The fic got even WORSE! Is that even possible?! Jeez...Actually, the
fic was sooo bad, that I ended up laughing more at IT than I was at your
riffs. Quite possibly, the MST3k: "The Eye Of Argon" of EVA fanfic.
Tsuneo: I'm flattered. Thanks, really.
Dan: I'm quite honoured to be compared to "The Eye Of Argon."
Rebecca: Come on, Dan, that's just too easy.
Dabn: Really? Thanks.
I'd also like to note that this is only the _second_ fanfic to have the
word 'fag' included in the riffs; however, I have so much hate for Issei
at this point that I think the little bugger deserved it. Moral of the
story? Let _Rebecca_ blow the TV up sometime.
Rebecca: Yeah!
Voice: Oh, no...
Oh man...I'm going to have to delay my NXE antific
Tsuneo: Can we riff it? Please?
and start on this one
right away...Mataloun deserves a no-DQ Hell-In-The-Cell w/Thumbtacks
match against Nav.
Rebecca: Woo-hoo! Go Nav!
Dan: [Muttered to Rick] It's serious, I tell ya...
Rick: [Muttered to Dan] Are you telling me you wouldn't like to see Nav
rip him to pieces?
Dan: No, I just think it's another one of them "nuke 'em all and let the
cockroaches sort it out" situations.
Good luck on keeping your sanity, guys, you're going
to need it.
I do believe, from the riffing, that you've gotten some eps of MST. Good!
Always remember to check www.mst3kinfo.com for more information on just
how Joel did it...
Tsuneo: That's right! Over the holidays, we got to see "Cave Dwellers,"
"The Atomic Brain" and Ma... Ma... "Manos! The hands of fate!"
Rick: There, there, Tsuneo. It's over now.
PS: THE VOICE IS EEVIL! FEAR THE MAGIC VOICE! RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY!
Voice: Yeah, thanks.
Rick: I'll keep that in mind.
Tsuneo: And thank you Rob! Here's our last one, from Mike Surbrook.
LOW RIDER!! YEAH!!!!!!!!
Then Shinji came out
Rebecca: Didn't he do that in the last chapter?
Tsuneo: No, Issei pulled the Marta trick on him.
And what, prey tell, is t he 'Marta trick'?
All: Ask Ling Ling.
Michael Surbrook / susano@otd.com
http://www.otd.com/~susano/index.html
"'Cause I'm the god of destruction, that's why!" - Susano Orbatos,Orion
Tsuneo: Thanks again for writing in, everyone.
Rebecca: So, head, what have you got for us today?
Voice: [Mutters something]
Rick: What?
Voice: Anevangelioncrossover.
All: Huh?
Voice: Okay. It's a Neon Genesis Evangelion crossover with-
Dan: What?
[Long silence]
Dan: Crossover with what?
[Long silence]
Dan: Hello? Voice?
Voice: [Recorded] I'm sorry, but the Voice is not available at this moment.
If you would care to leave a name and message, he'll get back to you.
Rebecca: Wonderfull.
Tsuneo: I guess we've gotta do it anyway.
Rick: Yeah...
[They all reluctantly sit. Dan and Rebecca face the TV, and Rick and Tsuneo
sit on the sideways couch. Rebecca and Tsuneo are closest on the corners.]
Rick: I dread the thought of what it is.
[The TV switches on.]
Disclaimer: The Slayers characters and setting,
Tsuneo: [Blinks] The what?
Rick: Oh, no. No. Gods, no.
Dan: I'm not complaining.
Rebecca: Watch it, fanboy.
as well as the Evangelion
characters and setting, belong to some very nice people who aren't us.
All: Huh?
Rick: EVA is copyright of the Bandai/Gainax monster. You have been warned.
Please, `very nice' people, don't sue us.
Rebecca: Aw, go on, 'very nice' peopel. You know you want to.
This is not meant to infringe
on copyright, and is not meant to make money.
Tsuneo: Heaven help you if you thought you would.
Anyone who's read fanfics
knows this. Please feel free to distribute this as you like.
Dan: To people you hate.
Before you start flaming us,
All: Too late.
realize that we INTENDED this fic to be corny,
Tsuneo: Well, it's Slayers. Duh.
goofy and generally bad. It's a joke. We would REALLY like this to get
the MST3K treatment. Really. We mean it.
Dan: [Cracks knuckles] Ask and ye shall recieve.
If you have intelligent commentary,
Tsuneo: Rules us out.
(not just "I like it" or "It's good" or "I laughed until milk came out my nose")
Rebecca: No, that was his liquified brain.
Dan: Come on, it can't be that bad.
Rebecca: You're just hoping Naga will be in it.
Dan: So?
we will a) wonder if you actually read it
Tsuneo: They liked it? Then no.
and b) take it into serious consideration.
Please send all commentary to: Laughlin@accessv.com or John.Evans@ng.gryn.org.
No Angels were hurt during the production of this fanfic (well, except
Bloanawltuhel,
Tsuneo: I think we have a good sample of their humour right there. This is gonna
hurt.
Rebecca: Look, no matter what, please don't rant. We'll never get anywhere.
Tsuneo: I'll try. I can't promise anything, but I'll try.
but can you blame us?).
All: Yes.
* A Neon Genesis Evangelion/Slayers Crossover *
Rick: Dumb and dumber.
* *
* Cruel Lina's Thesis *
* *
* Part 1: A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to... *
Introduction
----------------
Tsuneo: No thanks. Can't we just skip it?
"DIGGER BOLT!"
Rebecca: What's that meant to do, kill Fred Perry?
Rick: Please?
Dan: You're just bitter because he's still got a comic.
Rick: Am not.
Blue arcs of electricity leapt from Lina Inverse's hands.
Rebecca: [Lina] So be it, Jedi.
The scarlet haired-sorceress wiped her brow after sending another crowd of
the strange, black-clad warriors
Rebecca: TIE fighter pilots?
Tsuneo: The thugs from Cave Dwellers?
Rick: Foot clan ninjas?
Dan: Lin Kuei?
Rick: So, uh, what are Lin Kuei?
Dan: They're, uh, Chinese ninjas, I guess.
Tsuneo: Here we go with the "Grunge the Movie" sketch. Again.
to their final reward.
Rick: Ie: Their piddly small extras paycheck.
"Y'know Gaurry,
these guys in black are persistent, but they aren't very skilled.
[Everyone turns to look at Tsuneo]
Tsuneo: What?
Rick: Aren't you gonna say something like "You're petulant, but not
concentrated enough?"
Tsuneo: Too early.
Why are they after you, anyway?"
Dan: Probably to raise the average IQ a few notches.
Rebecca: What, by getting rid of Gourry?
Dan: No, by getting rid of themselves.
<Clang clang AIIEEE!>
Rick: Typical dialogue from a Jackie Chan film.
Tsuneo: Action!
Gaurry was occupied for the moment, mowing his
way through a small legion of the shadowy warriors.
Rebecca: [Gourry] Pardon me, coming through, 'scuse me, sorry about that head.
"I sorta busted into
their temple and ran off with some heirloom sword or something."
Rick: The Hackmaster +12!
Realizing this sounded bad, he kept talking. "But they're a clan
of assassins, so it's not like I'm really stealing, Right?."
Tsuneo: Ladies and gentlemen, AD&D morality.
Lina laughed and let off another spell, sending more black-masks running
for cover.
Rick: And leaving their former wearers to continue attacking.
"It's about TIME you got the idea, Gaurry! There's hope for you yet!"
All: nah.
On top of a pile of former elite warriors,
Rebecca: All of which had been banned, especially if they were in Dasher Ds.
Rick: And I double-dare anyone to get that.
the young girl known as Amelia Wil Tesla Saillune
Tsuneo: Oh, no.
Rebecca: Oh, look, it's Sailor Moon's smart cousin.
Dan: [Whacks Rebecca with a cushion]
Rick: Prepare yourselves for another dumb speech.
clasped her hands warmly to her breast. "Oh
Mister Gaurry! Your shining example of justice in action is an inspiration
to..."
All: Zzz...
While winding up for yet another long-winded dissertation on the
virtues of virtue,
Tsuneo: Go on. Get her while she's posing.
Rick: You know you want to.
even more `master assassins' crept, fearfully forward
hoping to rid the world of such bad prose.
Dan: Give that man a prize.
However, without breaking
cadence, "... and the fish of the air and the birds of the -FIREBALL-
seas have....."
Rebecca: [Deadpan] Strange name for a sea.
Tsuneo: God, I already want to rant.
she disintegrated the intrepid band of disposable warriors
into a pile of black ash.
Rick: Oh look! It's Master Assasin Throwaway!
<ZOT!> Again, more ash.
Dan: [Ash] Groovy.
"I can't believe that I'm related to this flake.
Dan: Naga! Cool!
Rebecca: Oh, gods...
Rick: Believe it.
Tsuneo: Naga complaining about *her* relatives? That's rich...
The only thing that we possibly share in common is that our breasts
are still bigger than a certain physically immature sorceress we all know
and despise." said Naga, giggling maniacally.
Tsuneo: Well, at least they're in character so far.
Rebecca: Stop drooling, Dan.
Dan: I'm not. Really.
There came a calm to the battle, the type of calm that forebodes
greater destruction.
Rick: And I suppose a tumbleweed billowed past.
The type of calm that tends to send incidental
characters running for cover.
Dan: Are you kidding? Incidental characters usually get caught in the
middle of these things.
Tsuneo: I feel insulted, but I'm not sure how.
Doubtlessly, this came about because the
(all right, let's just spit it out. Ok? They're ninjas; everyday
regular disposable ninjas)
Rick: You know, they should really make them recyclable to cut down
waste.
Tsuneo: Even though they were previously stated as master assassins.
enemy, who was not blind, noticed an actinic blue glow around Lina.
Dan: Has she been into the plutonium again?
She was pissed.
Rick: No, just the marajuana gin.
Amelia, being quite familiar with the older sorceress' fits of anger,
opted to be the voice of reason.
Dan: Well, that's Slayers shot to all hell. Nice knowing you.
"Lina? Lina? That's... that might not be a very good idea."
Tsuneo: Just so long as you're caught in the kill radius, it's fine.
Lina, who is often deaf to the voice of reason,
Rebecca: I wonder if Lina's ever considered writing fanfics?
" I. Have. Had. Just. About. Enough. Of.
Rick: [Lina] People... pointlessly... impersonating... William... Shatner.
You. You. Tag-along. Talentless. Wannabe. Sorceress."
Dan: Uh, who's she talking to?
Rebecca: Does it matter? I mean, that describes both Amelia and Naga to a tea.
Dan: Apart from the "talentless" for Naga.
Rebecca: Should I hit him for that, or not?
Gaurry and Amelia looked to each other seeking confirmation that this
was 'really' a bad thing.
Rick: Like those two would notice?
Rebecca: [Amelia] Miss Lina? Did you *really* need to blow up that mountain
range?
Lina's aura, by this time, was shifting through
the united colours of Beneton.
Dan: Pretty soon, the cleaner will be sifting through the united colours of lunch.
Yes, this was 'really' a bad thing.
Tsuneo: Amazing. And it took a whole paragraph of bad jokes and dumb looks.
"Darkness from twilight, crimson from blood that flows..."
Rick: She's obviously reading of the manuscript for the next Vampire supplement.
Lina began the incantation to the most powerful spell in black magic.
All: Second.
"Ohmygodohmygodohmygod Miss Lina's really casting it! WhatamIgonnado?!"
Rebecca: Checking your insurance might be a good idea.
Rick: Or your will.
Amelia ran in a small, hysterical circle.
Dan: She must have a world record in those.
"Buried in the flow of time..."
All: McDonalds' cheeseburgers!
"Of course!" Amelia hastily pulled a grease-stained, wine-soaked
scroll
Rebecca: Oh, look, it's the Stonecutters' charter.
from her belt pouch, and flipped it open. "Aaah! This is so
stained from the bar fight last night I can hardly read it! <under her
breath> not that I really know how to read this language anyway."
Tsuneo: And there we have one of the most blatant plot devices ever, folks.
"in thy great name, I pledge myself to darkness!"
Dan: So you're signing on for the next James Cameron movie?
Rick: No, she's going to appear on Springer.
Rebecca: Or join the corporate team.
"Umm... By the holy wings of... Mayonnaise?...
Rick: That was a very nice film. Just incredibly dull.
Tsuneo: And that wasn't funny.
bear us swiftly and
surely and...ah! there isn't enough time for me to read this! Umm...
swiftly and surely and... yaddayaddayadda upright, locked position,..."
Tsuneo: So it's an airline safety manual?
Rebecca: Well, that's why she couldn't understand it.
"Those who oppose us shall be destroyed by the power you and I possess!"
Dan: The really high-pitched whine!
"Klaatu, Barata,
Rick: Nanu nanu.
Rebecca: Exeter.
Tsuneo: Braack.
Dan: Niktu! It's Niktu, dammit! Get it right this time!
Blahblahblahyakkityshmakkity...
Rick: You were wondering when I was going to fit that in.
BALDUR'S GATE!"
"DRAGU SLAVE!!"
Tsuneo: And I thought Sylphiel was the one who couldn't cast spells right.
This, dear readers, is when something WENT HORRIBLY WRONG ;
Rebecca: No, that happened when you sat down and said "I'm going to write a
fanfic."
.... as expected. It wouldn't be much of a crossover if it didn't.
Tsuneo: Yeah. We're laughing. Ha ha ****ing ha.
The resulting sphere of raw, semi-focused power cast the heroes and
heroines away. Who cares about the ninjas.
Rick: We don't.
Those that could still walk
reformed their evil ways and opened up a line of fast food restaurants;
Dan: And I thought you said they rejected their evil ways.
Ninja-hut <we only deliver at night, through skylights>.
Rebecca: And probably still get chopped to pieces by wandering heroes.
Tsuneo: Although, they can't have much business given that skylights
haven't been invented yet...
-----------------------------
Back in the 'real' world
-----------------------------
Rick: Four people sat staring at the horror on the TV screen.
KABOOM! A large cross shaped explosion dominated the Tokyo-3 skyline.
followed by a series of small explosions as bits of the angel (dubbed
Bloanawltuhel)
Tsuneo: Alas, poor Bloanawltuhel, I knew him well.
Rick: Aka: the Throwaway angel.
lived up to his namesake and spread pieces of it's carcass all across the city.
Dan: Oh, look, there's guts exploding and blood everywhere.
Tsuneo: It's just like a scene from... from... [breaks down crying] Hellstorm!
Rebecca: There, there. We got through "More Than Meets The Eye," we can survive
this.
Tsuneo: [Sniff] I guess so...
"Stand down from condition red. Mobilize the recovery and repair teams.
Rebecca: [Misato] Break out the lawyers to deal with the damage claims.
Good job pilots, another day, another angel." For Misato and the remainder
of the staff at NERV, it was just another typical save-the-world day.
Rick: And for Rick and the staff of Elmer Studios, it was just another typical
demolish-the-fanfic day.
Over the comm channels, chatter could be heard among the pilots. "Did
you see that head shot?
Dan: [Shinji] No, I was busy looking at the previous one of your underpants.
Rebecca: Is that a clobbering offence, or not.
Dan: Bite me. You're just jealous because I got to it first.
I am just soooooo good. What do you think of that
'Great and Glorious Shinji'?" commented the pilot of EVA-02.
Rick: We would never have guessed.
Tsuneo: And she has got a name, you know.
Rick: The Throwaway child?
Tsuneo: You wish.
"I'm sorry." Said Shinji
"What are you apologizing for you doorknob!"
Dan: [Shinji] For agreeing to this fanfic.
"I don't know. I think I have to apologize for something, but I'm not
sure what."
Rebecca: You know, I don't know weather to riff Shinji or just kill the authour.
Tsuneo: Definitely number two.
"Grow a spine you half-wit"
Tsuneo: And some punctuation while you're at it.
"I'm sorry." Shinji again.
"Stop that!"
"I'm sorry!"
"Alright! Both of you! Cut it out!". Turning to the commander, Misato
posed a question, "Sir are you sure we couldn't just shoot them all?
Rick: [Misato] Please? Asuka's got to the bring-home-the-boyfriends stage.
Come
on, this is the 30th angel we've fought. I thought there was only supposed
to be 17?"
Tsuneo: I thought not every character in Evangelion knew about that.
Rebecca: DJ does.
Tsuneo: Don't remind me.
"No Ms. Katsuragi, we still require the services of the children."
Rebecca: That just reeks of dirty comment.
replied the commander, staring cooly at the screen; face unmoving, eye's
unflinching.
Rick: Is it Gendo Ikari, or just a block of wood? You be the judge.
" The administration would frown on you removing the primary
actors. We've got merchandising rites to consider.
Tsuneo: Already done. If you saw the amount of crap out there...
And sequels, Neon Genesis Voyager is due to premier this fall.
Dan: Unfortunately, it's been programmed against Xena and is bound to fail.
Rick: At least, until angel 7 of 9 appears.
We have to milk this cash
cow for all she's worth, especially since the budgets's been cut again."
Rebeca: Any more, and it would begin looking like South Park.
"Again!" cried Misato, her face silhouetted against a blue streaked
background. " Does that mean we're going to have to use cheap animation
techniques and re-use stock footage."
Tsuneo: At about this point, the fic gets just plain insulting.
Rebecca: Any more doing that, and it would begin to look like Orguss.
"Yes Ms. Katsuragi. I'm afraid so." replied the commander, staring
cooly at the screen; face unmoving, eye's unflinching.
All: Acting!
Dan: Of course, fanifcs don't have budgets...
"Again!" cried Misato, her face silhouetted against a blue streaked
background.
Rebecca: Okay, well it was actually grey. Although internet rumours
persisted of the blue blue-streaked background.
"That's horrible. I tell you commander, we're about at the end
of our tether.
Dan: You're not the only ones.
I heard rumours,..."
Rick: That Hyuga is considering his movie options.
walking up and whispers to him. "I've
heard that some of the staff are considering getting positions at Animeigo."
Tsuneo: Now *that's* scary.
"No Ms. Katsuragi, I'm afraid not. Their efforts are in vain. We are
all property of Gainax.
Rebecca: Signed on the dotted line, in blood.
Dan: Don't remind me.
They cannot leave. We won't let them." replied
the commander, staring cooly at the screen; face unmoving, eye's
unflinching. "Recall the Evangelions and their pilots and begin repairs
to the city I'm going to see my hairdresser."
Rick: No, *that's* scary!
"No your not, you're going to consult the Dead Sea Scrolls so you can
figure out what's going to happen to us next."
Dan: EVA breakfast cereal.
Tsuneo: A crappy crossover.
Shocked at the blatant revelation of one of his most guarded secrets
Tsuneo: Even though she clearely referred to knowing their contents at the start
of this whole pointless scene.
he adamantly protested, "No, no, no. You've got it all wrong. I've booked an
appointment with Renaldo for 3 weeks and he's finally made time for me today."
Rebecca: Do you want to try harder for that "lamest excuse ever" award?
"But wasn't his shop destroyed in this angel attack?"
Rick: [Gendo] Whoops! Um...
Stumped, Ikari got desperate, "Look over there, the 31st angel! It looks
just like Jerry Springer",
All: Aaaak!
Rebecca: Hit it with an N2 mine now!
and quickly ducks out. While the NERV crew indulged
their commanders lame attempt at a distraction,
Rick: I dunno, it might actually work on Misato.
and Asuka continued to be
angry at Shinji for apologizing (for which he apologized), the all seeing
eyes of Rei Ayanami in EVA-00 looked out onto the city seeing all that
transpired;
Tsuneo: Which obviously didn't include hereself, her EVA, the 16th angel and
the whole city going up last month.
Rebecca: [Rei] Oh, that? I, er, got better. Yeah.
including the group of historically inaccurate warriors huddled
in the remains of a building.
Tsuneo: And we have crossover.
-----------------------------
Back with our original cast
-----------------------------
Dan: [Nudges Rebecca] Psst. We're on.
"nnng. nnNnng."
Dan: Numm numm.
Lina Inverse painfully pulled herself up into a
sitting position, and favoured Amelia with a baleful glare. The younger
sorceress, just now waking up, was dangling by one boot-top from an
outcropping of rubble.
Tsuneo: She's obviously considering a career as an extra in Jackie Chan movies.
After making sure her jaw still worked, Lina
addressed her. "You realize this is all your fault."
Rebecca: When in doubt, blame the kid. It worked for me.
"Wow. That was incredible. I've NEVER wielded such magic before, and
I righteously saved us all from certain death!
Tsuneo: And condemned us to certain crossover. Way to go, wonder girl.
I'm having the best day of my life!"
Dan: Obviously the prozac's begun to kick in.
So saying, Amelia fell out of her boot
Rick: And hit the ground with a hollow clanging noise.
and knocked herself unconscious on the ground.
Rick: Thus making it the best day of our lives.
"Well," Naga said, dusting off her dress.
Dan: Er, dress? Naga? Hello?
"At least we're alive, no thanks to the red-headed psycho.."
Rebecca: But they haven't even met Asuka yet.
Rick: Man, not even Naga's this obnoxious. [Pause] Well, not by much.
She paused to take a good look around. She froze.
"Naga?" Gaurry waved a hand in front of her face. "Hey Lina.
Something's wrong with Naga."
Rick: [Lina] Don't worry, gravity's just caught up with her.
Stuttering, Naga gaped, "B-b-b-b-big. IT's just so,..... big."
Dan: Yeah, they are.
Rebecca: [Whacks Dan with a cushion] Watch it.
Dan: I am.
Rebecca: [Whacks Dan with a cushion] I mean it!
Dan: What's the matter, jealous?
Rebecca: [Whacks Dan with a cushion]
Dan: Ow...
Gaurry was mistakenly impressed.
Tsuneo: Now that, I did not need.
Then he turned around and realized
what was drawing Naga's attention. "GIANT!"
Standing less than 500m away (for you Yanks, it's not very far),
Tsuneo: Ie: just more than you're prepared to comfortably walk.
Eva-00 was slowly sinking
Rebecca: Leonardo DiCapitato and Kate Whatsername hanging onto the top of its
head.
into the ground through one of the NERV access
ports staring at them with its one lifeless eye.
Wiser members of the party, ie. Lina,
Tsuneo: More like none of them.
were ducking for cover. Everyone
else was either to stunned to move or already unconscious. This was wise
as at this time the city chose to rise up like so many daisies on steroids.
Rebecca: Oh, look, there's Epsilon tower.
Amelia who had regained consciousness, wondered if she was hallucinating
Rick: It was the sugarplums dancing around her head that made her think so.
Lina, " I don't think we're in Saillune anymore."
Dan: And I don't think that's funny anymore.
The Slayers cast looked on as the city surfaced. All that could be heard
in the background, aside from the whirring of the motors that were raising
the strange tall buildings, was the yapping of a small beige dog over the
remanets of a corpse buried under the rubble of a building. All that could
be seen of the cadaver was a pair of striped socks.
[They all sit in stunned silence for a while]
Dan: I think I just lost my will to live.
"Kakkoi!" said the youngest sorceress, squealing in delight.
Rebecca: [Amelia] I'm speaking in half-Japanese in an English fic! Ain't I
wonderfull?
All: No.
"A city.
Rising from the darkness of devastation into the glory of the shining light
of heaven.
Dan: [Amelia] And all that kinda crap!
This is SO COOL!"
Lina (whispering to Naga), "Don't look at me. She's your sister."
Rick: See what happens when you go skinny-dipping in the gene pool?
Naga (whispering back), "Stop reminding me."
Tsuneo: Suffer. We are.
Gaurry, posing theatrically, spotlight centering on him atop a pile of
caved-in ceiling.
Dan: Where'd the spotlight come from? And do you really need it?
Rick: It's one of those dramatic wossnames.
Tsuneo: No, it's one of those pathetic wossnames.
Amongst the detritus
Rebecca: And the other watchmen.
were arms and legs and half-covered
torsos in lingerie. "OH the humanity."
Dan: Psst, Gaurry, I think they're dummies.
Rebecca: And I thought it takes one to know one.
he orated with all the subtlety of
back bacon (or a certain toupee topped captain).
Tsuneo: Or a certain cheesy, so-called parody crossover fanfiction.
"Look at the devastation or spell hath wrought.
Tsuneo: Look at the devestation this fic hath wrought.
So many poor defenceless nubile women stripped,...
of their humanity (he hastened to add).
Rick: Nice flub there, Gourry. Brilliant recovery.
So much blood shed needlessly... Hey, where is the blood?"
*at this point, Malehelicon, Muse of bad Fanfics glides in and gives
Gaurry a Silver Mally for most pointless soliloquy
Rebecca: And at this point, Malehelicon, Muse of bad Fanfics glides in and
gives herself a Silver Mally for most lame cameo in a fanfic.
Tsuneo: Poor Mally. Reduced to doing extra spots in crappy fanfics.
A small pebble bounced off of the swordsman's head.
Rick: CLANG -ng -ng -ng.
Lina gave him a stern look. "They're just statues, moron."
Amelia stood one of the mannequins up. "Why would you put clothes on
a statue?"
Naga put on a superior expression
Dan: Meaning that she doesn't always have one?
and dismissed such silly questions
with a wave. "Obviously this was some sort of market, and the statues were
modelling the wares available. These garments must be the standard local
fashions."
Tsuneo: Only if you're a female character in ADPolice.
Rebecca: Or a generic evil AD&D sorceress. Like Naga, here.
Rick: Hey, you better watch that.
Rebecca: Yeah, I'm sorry I insulted Naga with the comparison.
Naga the Serpent chuckled to herself.
Dan: Naw. Never.
"Though if these statues
are to represent the average woman of this place, Lina is even farther
below average thaAIIIEEEE!"
Rick: Ah. And here I was wondering how long this fic could go without a
single gratuitous breast joke.
Rebecca: Remind me never to invite Celena to a Slayers MSTing.
Lina shook sparks off of her fingers as Naga landed in a strange,
odd-smelling booth labelled `Starbucks'.
Tsuneo: Alias hell.
"You two cut that out." Gaurry admonished. "That's what got us into
this mess in the first place."
Rick: What, bad coffee?
Dan: And I'm surprised he even noticed what it was.
"Now just wait a minute! It was Amelia's spell that-"
Tsuneo: That's right. Blame the small, helpless creature that can't hit back.
Lina began to
object, but was cut off by the sound of an approaching vehicle. She and
Gaurry quickly ducked for cover.
Dan: Under Naga. Hell, you could hide a battleship under there.
Rebecca: [Whacks Dan with a cushion] Get your filthy mind off it.
Amelia, oblivious to everything,
Rick: Ah, good old Amelia.
continued to explore the wreckage for `typical clothing' to try on.
"Say guys, I'm going to try some of this stuff on, okay." Amelia stated
as she ducked into a secluded corner. "Call me if you need anything."
Tsuneo: A script doctor would be nice.
Lina nodded without really paying attention and continued to watch the
vehicle approach. The truck pulled up across the street from them, and
disgorged a dozen uniformed workers. One worker set up barricades.
The others leaned on shovels and had lunch.
Rick: Standard workman efficiency.
Rebecca: Are you kidding? That guy with the barriers was overdoing it.
"How did that thing move without horses to pull it?" Gaurry scratched
his head.
Rick: [Henry Crun] It's the miracle of the steam age, Min.
Rebecca: [Minnie Bannister] What is it, Henry buddy?
Rick: [Henry Crun] Steam.
Dan: And an extra-special award to anyone who gets that.
"It's obviously a magically powered vehicle of some kind. Do I have
to explain EVERYTHING to you?"
All: Yes.
Lina grabbed his shirt front and whispered forcefully at him.
All: [Low voices] Rhubarb, rhubarb, ceremonial rhubarb.
As the two continued to observe, activity returned to the city's streets.
People of all ages and descriptions began bustling around about their business.
A group of uniformed young people about Lina's age sauntered, chatting amongst
themselves, past the work crew. The girls among them received cat-calls and
wolf-whistles.
"One again, Gold-fish-faeces was wrong (thank the gods).",
Rick: Question is, who's she calling that today?
as Lina imagines herself walking around in one of Those outfits.
As if on cue, "So? Do I look cute or what?".
All: What.
*announcers voice* 'Amelia is modelling one of our finest models from the fall
line of Victoria Secret? What's her secret? Well, whatever it is, she's not
hiding it on her person. Please note the amount of exposed cleavage and the
G-string panties.
All: Aaaak! Bad mental image!
Dan: I'm sorry! I'll be good! For... five minutes, even!
Gaurry notes both.... and.... bleeding lightly from the nose..... mumbled
about the cruelty of nature.
Rick: Yeah... He's not the only one... Urrgh...
Lina was very shocked to note how GOOD Amelia looked in the lacy pink
nothing.
Rebecca: Obviously, Lina's still concussed from the landing.
Ok. Time for a reality dose (and revenge).
Tsuneo: A reality dose on Amelia? It won't work, you know.
Beckoning the model, "Amelia. I hate to break this to you
All: Like hell.
but,.... look here."
Dan: [Lina] We've signed for more of these!
After receiving a good dose of what the populous is sporting in terms of
current fashion (and after turning redder than the outfit she was wearing)
Amelia gave off a strangled squeal and dashed off to the shadows.
Rebecca: Hopefully never to be seen again. Thank you!
"My my, Lina. We are being cruel today."
Tsuneo: Any bitchier, and she could get a job in Neon Exodus.
Naga said, brushing the Mocha-mocha-frappachino out of her hair.
Rick: It's gonna take a lot longer to brush the bad jokes out, though.
"Well now that we know what they're wearing
here, let us disguise ourselves in the native's garb. Lina, there's a store
with little girl's clothes overAaaaaaieeee!!"
Rebecca: I'd laugh if this fic didn't make it so predictable.
Dan: Yeah. Naga doesn't insult Lina every time she speaks. Just every other
time.
Eventually, the dust cleared and the intrepid band of misfits wandered
out onto the streets dressed, passably well in standard school uniforms
Rick: [Laughing] Now THAT was funny!
(though Gaurry's was a bit small and Naga's was a bit tight).
Tsuneo: A bit?
Dan: [Ripping noise, Naga] Whoops, tore another one trying to get it on.
[Normal] Not that I mind.
Rebecca: [Whacks Dan with a cushion] Don't push your luck, fanboy.
Dan: [Muttered] I still say she's just jealous.
Probably the
only flaw to the entire ensemble was that they were carrying their swords openly.
Rebecca: Ah, no-one'll notice.
"Now what do we do?"
Tsuneo: Hit the authour with a Dragon Slave.
------------------------------
Meanwhile at NERV HQ
------------------------------
Rebecca: DJ and Issei were fighting over who gets to be god today.
"SHINJIII! Are you peeking!?" Asuka's voice shook the walls in the
change room.
Rick: And set our teeth on edge.
"No, Asuka." Shinji replied glumly, focussing more closely on his task.
Dan: [Shinji] Let's see... The rabbit comes out of the hole, goes around the
tree...
"Well why the hell not?"
Tsuneo: because, and this is a shocking one for an EVA fic, he's in character.
Rebecca: And unlike ninety percent of the teenage males out there, he isn't a
grotty little pervert.
With a start, Shinji snapped awake from his daydream.
Rick: [Shinji] Mumble, mumble, green-haired kid in tight shorts, AAH!
He rubbed the sore
side of his face where Asuka had just slapped him for supposed peeking.
Dan: She doesn't need a reason.
"You WERE peeking, weren't you?" Asuka, wrapped in a towel, stood astride
Shinji's prone form.
Rick: Ooh...
Dan: Me see Paris, me see France-
Rebecca: [Whacks Dan with a cushion] You *don't* see Asuka's underpants, got it?
"No no, I swear! I just wanted to know when you and Rei were going to be
finished in there!" The third child clapped his hands over his eyes.
Tsuneo: [Shinji] Make it go away! I promise I'll be good!
Asuka, realizing why he just covered his eyes, fumed again, and began
kicking him.
Rick: And Asuka's getting a bit brutal here, folks. When's the robo-ref gonna
call her off?
"You little pervert! Taking advantage of a sweet, helpless young woman!"
All: Where?
She indignantly kicked him one more time for good measure, and stomped
over to the girl's side of the locker room.
Dan: At least Auska's in character.
Shinji tentatively peeked out from between his fingers, only to spot Rei
coming out of the shower, naked as the day she was, uh, `born'.
Rick: Tsuneo, you're drooling.
Tsuneo: I don't care.
The blue-
haired girl just looked at him for a long moment, and walked away silently.
Rebecca: [Rei] I've got to call my agent.
Shinji groaned and pulled himself off the floor and headed for the shower.
"I hate my life."
Dan: Join the club, Shinji, join the club.
------------------------------
In a mysterious, darkened room...
------------------------------
Rebecca: Issei and DJ were making out like there's no tomorrow.
"...so you see, ever since the twenty-seventh Angel attack, sales of Eva
breakfast cereal are up forty-two percent."
Rick: With little marshmellow Sachiels and all!
A nondescript young man in a very
cheap suit pointed at an illuminated graphic of a mountain range.
He stood in a blackened room before a group of the world's most powerful
men.
Dan: Oh, look. There's Vince McMahon.
Men who were only illuminated by coloured spotlights shining from their desks.
Rebecca: On summer nights, they must have hell with moths.
One man smiled over his steepled fingers. "Eeexcellent.
Rick: Why am I not surprised that he's here?
Tsuneo: Because it's a pointless and moronic reference to an equally pointless
and moronic show?
Rick: You've got to admit that he does fit in, though.
Dan: No way. He's too healthy looking.
Sadly, you now know so much you are a risk to us, and so must be eliminated.
Rebecca: If that's too much, then so does the entire marketing department.
Smithers, remove him."
Smithers, not important enough to merit a desk and colour of his own
Rick: If you don't *mind,* this is a *secret* illuminati meeting. There are *no*
lackeys aloowed!
Dan: [Dr. Forrester] Frank! You'll have to wait outside.
(if he'd acquired one, he'd probably demand pink and that colour was already taken)
Rebecca: Probably by the delegate from San Fransisco.
used his pocket pen-light to illuminate his face. "Yes Mr. Burns."
Tsuneo: [Smithers] Can I *please* get a new line, Mr Burns?
A small square hole opened up beneath the young executive, dropping him,
screaming, out of sight.
Rebecca: Haven't you ever wanted to do that to the marketing department?
Back to Burns, "Now, Commander Ikari, what have you to report from the
scriptwriters revisions of the dead sea scrolls."
Dan: [Gendo] We've made sure the product placements will get in more thouroughly
from now on.
"Well," he replied, "Due to our continual budget cutbacks, we've had to
downgrade our staff from 20 professional writers to 2 hacks who've written
bad fanfics over the web."
Rick: And right here and now, it shows.
Dan: They aren't Laughlin@accessv.com or John.Evans@ng.gryn.org by any chance?
Tsuneo: No, Ben Hutchins and Larry Mann.
"Do they work cheap?"
"They work for peanuts. Also, ramen and doughnuts. Beer helps."
Rick: It improves the quality of the scripts.
Dan: You forgot the nude shots of Rei Ayanami.
Tsuneo: ...
"Excellent."
"You know, Burnsie" comments one of the other, "you say 'excellent'
a whole lot."
Dan: He's an evil overlord! What do you expect?
Tsuneo: A white cat for him to stroke? No, he's got Smithers...
Another one comments, "You talk to much! No EVA for you! YOU get out!"
Rick: Dude, this is pretty ****ed up right here.
"And what do you have to say Mr. Hat?"
Tsuneo: [Mr. Hat] I say get me outta this crappy fanfic!
"You DIE! You DIE and go HELL!"
Rebecca: Amazing! They even managed to get Mr. Hat's dialogue wrong!
"Have you been drinking again MR Garrison?"
"Who's talking at the moment?"
Rick: Yeah, that's what I'd like to know.
"I've lost track."
Dan: This fic's lost the plot.
Rick: It had one?
Tsuneo: Nope.
"Well, I guess we should go to a different scene, Then."
Rick: Hey, at least it isn't like that Xena one. The scene changes don't creep up
on you here.
------------------------------
Well, that was a waste of time...
------------------------------
Tsuneo: I couldn't have said it better myself.
Rick: No arguments there.
"THIS IS SO COOL!!" Amelia couldn't contain herself amongst the wonders
of this strange world. Dashing from shop window to shop window like a
spastic pinball on speed, she was erupting with high-pitched glee.
Dan: Time to riff Amelia some more?
Rebecca: Something like "So, what else is new?" do it?
Dan: Yeah.
Rick: I like that analogy, though. I'll have to rip it off some time.
Lina and
the others were attempting to stop their stomachs from erupting while watching
her.
Rebecca: And... well, something else on Naga erupting.
"MUST you do that?" Naga scolded, hands on hips. She stopped quickly
after noticing this put undue stress on her already over-tight blouse.
Rick: I'm having a very hard time imagining Naga in a school uniform.
Dan: Keep trying.
Rick: You know, she could hide her regular costume underneath it.
Rebecca: Except for the cape and the shoulder spikes, of course.
[Pause]
Dan: How come I can imagine her wearing those *over* the uniform?
The four companions had been wandering around the strange city for
hours
Rebecca: See what happens when you consult a tourist map?
and had made their way to another, less-destroyed marketplace.
They had found the locals called these places `mauls',
Tsuneo: A misunderstanding that is actually rather appropriate.
and the press of the crowds suggested why.
Rick: Especially to Naga in cramped lifts.
Despite their native garb, they still seemed to attract undue attention.
Dan: She *always* attracts attention.
Rebecca: Okay, Dan. You're dribbling on the carpet again.
Tsuneo: Is our use of breast jokes going to be excessive?
Rick: Define excessive with Naga around.
All were at a loss to explain why.
Dan: That... is surprisingly in character, actually.
"Why is everyone staring at us?" Gaurry asked, brandishing his sword
at a woman poised to rush past him into a place called `Versace of Tokyo-3'.
Rick: Have at you, foul consumer!
Tsuneo: Product placement. Product placement.
"Umm." Lina, who had been wearing a worried expression for several
minutes, tugged on Amelia's sleeve. "Have you noticed that nobody around here
but the city guards is carrying weapons openly?"
Rebecca: I would *love* to know how they recognise firearms as weapons.
Amelia looked at Lina, Then looked at Gaurry. Her eyes grew wide.
"Uh-oh."
Rick: [Amelia] It's a swarm of EVA fans! And they're *pissed!*
"DELINQUENTS!!!"
(yes, it is her)
Dan: Straight back from her appearance in Heart's Battleground.
Naga was the first to turn to the strange young voice, but didn't see
anyone looking at them.
"Down here,
Rebecca: Sorry, she's got a problem with looking down.
you naughty, naughty person!" The voice was effervescent
and... cute (if not overly annoying).
Tsuneo: To you and you alone.
Naga looked down, and the other three came over to see what the commotion
was. Standing in front of them was a cute, brown-haired girl. She couldn't
have been more than 8 years old,
Dan: Actually, she was 8 years old in the mid nineties. Supposedly she's aged
in the past 20 years.
and she was wearing a light yellow dress with
a white sash. The sash read `Truancy Officer'.
"Who the heck are you, little girl?" Lina asked with some degree of
arrogance, confidence buoyed by her `physical advantage' over the pre-pubescent
girl.
Rick: Amazing. Somone even Lina can kick.
Puffing herself up as much as possible, the young child said, "I am
Miss Hinako, truancy officer of Tokyo-3. And YOU are skipping school,
delinquent!"
Rebecca: Okay, we have now established who the extra, utterly pointless crossover
character is . Can we *please* finish this scene?
"But we're not studenmphplrmph.....!" Naga silenced Gaurry with her hand
over his mouth.
"That's right. That's right. We're students. Yup. Just your everyday,
plain, old, average , run-of-the-mill students."
Dan: And If you'd belive that, I've got some hideously old jokes to sell you.
Tsuneo: I'd ask who's talking, but I've given up caring.
"Hrmph. I knew it. Students playing hooky. Just because your city gets
periodically destroyed,
Rick: You'd think a trio of schoolkids in 60 meter tall robots would've managed
to 'accidentally' step on the truancy officer by now.
you think that that's an excuse for missing a school
day. Well, you are sorely mistaken, young lady."
Rebecca: By that, we can *probably* assume she wasn't atalking to Naga.
Tsuneo: Hey, she's from Ranma 1/2. She's gotta be dumb enough to fall for Naga's
disguise.
Maniacal laughter rang around the mall as Naga expressed her deep
amusement at this idea,
All: [Clutch their ears] Ow!
Rick: Man, that's more powerful than a Dragon Slave.
"ME? Young? Well look who's talking. You're not even
ready for your first training bra yet. Even Lina's tiny pea pods are years
ahead of....."
Dan: Superbitch Naga manages it again.
Rebecca: You know, I've finally figured out what's up with her in this fic.
Tsuneo: Oh? do tell.
Rebecca: She thinks this is Neon Exodus.
"NAGA!" Lina, fists clenched, stomped towards Naga.
Gaurry, in an aside to Amelia, "I hope you have another one of Those
'teleports' ready."
Tsuneo: Please, don't. We've got enough moronic crossovers already.
Hinako interjected, "You ARE delinquents! I knew it." Aiming a small
coin at Lina she yelled, "Happo-5-yen-satsu!"
At the utterance of these words, a glowing yellow light is sucked from
Lina's body through the 5 yen piece and into the now rapidly maturing Hinako.
Tsuneo: While wrenching at the fabric of credibility and established power
levels of EVA.
Lina, looking wan and drained, crumples to a heap on the ground, a look
of shock and disbelief on her face. "Her- Her breasts are so big now! How
is that possible!?"
Rebecca: The miracles of sillicone.
Rick: How is it possible that her dress also changes when she does?
Naga, fearing for her own safety, manages to bite back a snappy comment.
Gaurry, not quite as wisely, approaches the now-adult Hinako. <pokepoke>
"Are Those real?"
Rebecca: Clearly not.
Dan: Gaurry must enjoy pain.
WHOP.
Dan: See?
Hinako casually tossed aside the now-shattered wooden mallet.
Dan: Shattered?
Rick: She hit Gaurry on the head.
Dan: Oh.
"Now that
you delinquents have been disciplined, it's time for you to go to school."
Tsuneo: Gee. I wonder where she's taking them.
Rick: I couldn't possibly imagine.
Grabbing the helpless Lina and unconscious Gaurry by their collars, she
dragged them away. Naga and Amelia had no choice but to follow them.
As they disappear in the distance, two voices drifted back. "Teach me
how to do that."
Dan: It's pretty obvious why Lina wants to know.
"No."
"PLEEEASE?"
"No."
"I'll teach you the Dragon Slave in return."
Dan: Hinako armed with the Dragon Slave. Now there's a scary thought.
"No."
------------------------------
Well, that was a waste of time...
------------------------------
Dan: And again! The fic summed it up perfectly!
Tsuneo: I'd hate to agree with these guys but, hey, what the hell.
A spectacled, mousey-haired boy lounged at his desk, half-heartedly
playing with a scale-model Tank. "So, Toji, did you here we're getting four
new students today?"
Rebecca: Now I wonder who they could be?
Dan: I pity anyone who has to sit behind Naga in class.
"Again? Geez, Kensuke, that seems like a fruitless inclusion of new
characters into a dying series in hopes of boosting ratings.
Tsuneo: No, its an overused method to link characters from one series to
another in a bad crossover.
Didn't anyone learn anything from The Cosby Show?"
All: No.
Rebecca: Especially not Bill Cosby.
The larger boy ran a hand disgustedly through his crew-cut.
Rick [Toji]: Ewww! Dandruff!
Shinji looked up from his desk. "You're just upset that you haven't
been featured in any episodes since that bad Nike promo in the fourth season."
Tsuneo: Actually, I thouhgt it had to do with that little acident with Bardiel.
Dan: You know - the one that cost him an arm and a leg?
Others: [Groan loudly]
[Flashback to Eva-03 dashing over mountains and through valleys, finally
skidding to a halt just in front of Tokyo-3. The camera freezes, showing 03
wearing Tractor-trailer sized Air Jordans. Voice over: Just do it.
Camera resumes, showing swoosh-shaped AT field.]
Rick: Now what would be amusing is if it was wearing Dunlop Volleys.
Shinji shudders.
Toji, desiring to balance his shot ego by deflating Shinji's
Rick: What ego?
(hrmph, now
that'll be hard) snaps back, "OH yeah? What about your Mountain Dew stint."
Dan: I always wondered what LCL was. It's certainly nauseating enough.
[Flashback to Eva-01 falling out of the Eva sky-carrier with a bungee
cord and a tanker of Mountain dew clenched in it's hand (random yelling,
screaming and cheering in the background).]
Tsuneo: No, it's a Pepsi Max ad.
Rick: No, they're plugging climbing equipment.
Rebecca: It's more sports shoes! I'm sure of it.
Shinji, frowning retorted. "Yeah, well. At least our spots were better
than Asuka's."
"SHINJI! DON'T YOU EVER MENTION THAT SPOT AGAIN" Could sweet, innocent
Asuka
Dan: Obviously there are two people called Asuka in this class.
have been eavesdropping on the conversation?
Rick: Like she wouldn't.
[Flashback to Asuka in an insertion plug, looking solemnly at the camera.
"Sometimes, in my insertion plug, just feels,.... you know,.... not so fresh.
That's why I use...."]
Rebecca: Okay, that's far enough!
"I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" Shinji desperately tried to loose
himself from Asuka's stranglehold.
Dan: And here we have the Undertaker's long-lost kid sister.
"Stop apologizing
Tsuneo: Really? I thought that's why you had him in a headlock.
or I'll remind you of Rei's Microsoft add!"
<the entire class visibly shuddered>
[The audience visibly shudders]
Tsuneo: [Rei, more monotone than usual] Who do you want to buy today? (TM)
"Ok. Enough you two, sensei's coming back with the new students."
Dan: And our randomly inserted, pointless Japanese word for today is...
The class quieted down to hear the first of the 4 new students introduce
themselves.
Rick: And here's the pitch...
"Hello. My name is Gaurry Gabriev."
Dan: I'd love to know how anyone would figure Gaurry and Naga for 14 year olds.
_______________
Fin
Tsuneo: What Noonsa had.
_______________
Rebecca: OK. Because the fans demanded it...
[She pulls out from behind the couch an immense, bipod-mounted rifle and fires
it at the TV. The shell goes straight through the screen, and then explodes,
blowing the whole set to peices.]
Rebecca: I so much like these Terranovan guns.
Dan: Where did that come from?!
Rebecca: Oh... It's just one from my collection.
Dan: O-kay. [He inches away from Rebecca.]
Tsuneo: So, you want revies now?
Voice: [Recorded] I'm sorry, but the Voice is not-
Rick: Yeah, can it. I guess we have to anyway.
Tsuneo: I was awed. Really. Slayers and EVA. I know it said at the top that
it was a parody, but a parody is meant to be amusing, witty and preferably
intelligent. This was none of them. The inclusion of miss Hinako was a
particularly bad move, I thought, and there was no real reason for the
crossover. That and most of the EVA scenes were just downright insulting to
any serious fan.
Rebecca: Well... Firstly, you've got to get over the fact that the basic
premise is a crossover between to incompatible series. I mean, you've got
EVA which is full of blood gore and existential angst, compared to Slayers
which is full of mindless fun, explosions and breast jokes aplenty. So
basically, the whole premise of the fic was flawed, even from the point of
view of a parody.
Dan: What got me was how bland it was. Naga ripples off stereotyped lines,
the jokes aren;t funny, the gag references aren't funny... Hell, even the
breast jokes weren't funny.
Tsuneo: The fic's weren't either.
Rick: The fic said it best. "Well, that was a waste of time."
Dan: Touche.
Rebecca: So what now? Has the door unlocked?
Voice: [Recorded] I'm sorry, but the Voice-
[Rebecca raises the rifle and fires again, blasting the speaker to
smithereens. A quiet "click" can be heard from the door.]
Rebecca: I'll take that as a yes.
Dan: Thank god it's over.
Tsuneo: I'm outta here. I've got some training to do.
Rick: What for?
Tsuneo: I want a crack at DJ myself.
Dan: They'll never let you, you know.
Tsuneo: A man can hope, can't he?
[They all file out. The screen goes blank.]
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Riffed by: Jinas & Rick R. Mortis (rickr@one.net.au)
Dan and Tsuneo are copyright 1995-1998 Max Fauth (Jinas)
Rebecca Bartley and Rick R. Mortis are copyright 1995-1998 Alex Fauth
(Rick R. Mortis).
Jinas' world:
http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/2628/index.htm
RPG info, amateur fanfics, MSTing site and official Bubblegum
Crossfire material.
Rick's Mecha Madness Page:
http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/7194/index.htm
AntiKevs, Mekton Z conversions, fanfic drinking game, the one and only
Common Sense Timeline, crazy Fighters' Anthology .lib and missions, and
Utterly Disturbing Nova Satori Shrine.
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*at this point, Malehelicon, Muse of bad Fanfics glides in and gives
Gaurry a Silver Mally for most pointless soliloquy