I know a couple of people have written to me saying that they don't
want this continuing, but there is an end in sight. And those who
wanted a continuation outnumbered the nay-sayers by three to one.
Flames will be flushed away. Constructive criticism will be accepted.
*****
Again, I woke up. Waking up isn't hard to do, as we all know. But it
becomes a lot easier when something unusual is going on.
I yelled for help from the only person I knew.
"MARAAAAA!"
Oh, For God's Sake!
Part 3- Where Demons Fear to Tread
*****
Mara was not at my beck and call... but she was hanging around my
sister and I until things were sorted out.
(As a quick recap, My sister managed to turn herself into a Goddess,
and to keep the balance, I ended up as the lucky guy turned into a
demon. Whoopee. I had more fun getting stitches in my tongue.)
"All right, all rightWHOA!"
"What are you gawping at? Get me down!"
I was on the wall. Literally standing at ninety degrees to everybody
else.
"How did you get up there?"
"I don't bloody know! I wake up and I'm not in bed any more! I feel
like someone's used Avatarr's Personal Gravitational Upset on me!"
And that was not all that was upset. I might be pacing about, on the
wall, but my ears and stomach were telling me that this was not
right, and my stomach was going to make an informal, not to say
messy, protest.
"Hmmm. I think... yes, only one explanation. You've got a bug."
"No, I don't think so, I feel fine, no runny nose, no cough..." I
trailed off as Mara shook her head. "Not like that?"
"Not like that. Walk over to your bed."
You have no idea how strange it feels to be stuck like that.
It suddenly got worse.
Mara cast a spell, which I filed away for future reference, and then
skewered something furry with eight legs. I promptly went off the
wall- and onto the floor.
"Couldn't you have waited a couple of minutes?"
"Sorry. It was going to leave. Oh, and I've got good news. Something
is going to be done about your condition."
"Really?"
*****
I was scared.
My unique condition had called for a unique solution.
There was a grand council being called.
Unfortunately, due to the nature of the people involved in this, It
had to take place in Hell or Heaven.
Those up above refused to go to hell, but those down below were all
to happy to enter heaven.
Still, I was technically a demon- even if I wasn't using my powers-
and I was walking down a long street in Heaven, flanked by Valkyries.
I felt more out of place than a Penguin in the Sahara.
But the meeting place was up ahead, and nothing else could go wrong.
Could it?
*****
Here we had an interesting lineup. Sitting on the far left was the
Archangel Michael. And very inpressive he looked too, in his
platemail. Next to him was a blinding light, about which I won't
speculate, but seemed to be coming from a little guy with a goatee.
And on his left was a green mecha-thing. I assumed that this was
Sachiel.
On the far right- and I MEAN the far right- was Astaroth. He was
nursing a packet of clorets, but his breath was still melting my
glasses. Ugly guy, anyway. On his left was Lucifer. He looked oddly
familiar, with his white robes, ruby-tipped staff, purple hair and
enigmatic smile.
"Hey, haven't I seen you somewhere before?"
"Ah," He said, "That is a secret."
And on his left was Moloch. I recognised him because of his bronze
mask and gauntlets. And the fact that he was letting out little puffs
of smoke from his nostrils.
That only left the person in the middle, who was supposedly the
neutral arbitrator. Whoever they were, they were a dull grey mist.
"And who are you?"
"I," It said, "Am Gaia. I appear as whatever you wish me to."
I thought for a minute, and then the mist coalesced into a platinum-
blonde woman, wearing chainmail, a shield with a union Jack on the
front, two wolves, a trident and an M-60. Her eyes were pure white.
Cruel Brittania.
"Very Funny," was her only response.
*****
>From here, I made my case. Mara spoke up for me, helping me to
explain that although I had had a run of bad luck, being turned into
a demon to maintain the balance wouldn't help a bit. All I wanted was
to go back to being a normal person. Then the others had their say.
>From there, it descended into chaos. The Almighty and Lucifer just
sat there, with their metaphorical heads in their hands, while
Astaroth had a shouting match with Sachiel (Sachiel had no mouth.
Have you ever seen sign language shouted?), and Moloch started a
fight with Michael.
BKAM! BKAM! BKAM!
Everyone froze, and looked at Gaia.
"Now, I have heard both sides of the argument, and will decide. Until
then, Matthew, use your powers only as necessary, and we will see
what happens. Dismissed."
As I turned to leave, she said one other thing.
"This, I like."
*****
I sat in the pub near my home, drinking with Mara, muklling over the
day's events.
"What exactly was that that happened to me this morning?"
"Oh, that. That was a bug. They're flaws in reality."
"Well why did it affect me?"
"Because they focus on deities and demons."
Suddenly, Mara sat upright. "Oh, Hell. Your sister has tried some
magic and got it wrong. Downtown Cardiff is now being attacked by a
seventy-metre dragon breathing treacle all over the place. And golden
syrup. God knows what she was trying to do, because I don't."
"Typical," I muttered, and knocked back the last of my beer. "Give me
a lift?"
"Yeah. Coming?"
*****
And a couple of minutes later, I grabbed the pendant that activated
my armour and my sword. I hoped that my sister had changed the cheesy
tune during the transformation (Why the hell did I have to have one?)
to something other than 'Barbie Girl'.
'Pa-pa-pa-pa-pa, pa-pa-pa-pa-pa!'
"THAT'S NOT FUNNY!"
End part 3.
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