I loved the Commentary and decided to post this to the List as an
example of Good C&C and MST'ing
Keep up the Good work team.
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From: "A-kun McCrillis" <akun15@hotmail.com>
To: pakman@clover.net
Subject: Re: [FFML][Help] Looking for Tolerant Prereaders.
Date: Tue, 20 Apr 1999 13:55:35 PDT
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<A-kun and Friends review a First-Timer's Fanfic!>
A-kun: Greetings and welcome.
?????: Great to be here.
C-chan: We'll be helping you with your fanfic.
This is My first attempt at a Fanfic so all you C&C er's out there Please be Gentle.
A-kun: "My", "Fanfic", "Please" and "Gentle" don't need to be capitalized.
An I was Bored and there was nothing Better to do Production
C-chan: Hmmm, sounds nice, but trying adding quotations marks around the "I was bored and there was nothing better to do". Makes it look more important.
Based on a Strange Dream I had one Night after eating a Pastrami Sandwich.
?????: Ooh, those are the weirdest.
This Fanfic was made possible by the effects of Mt. Dew.
A-kun: Half my life was made possible by the effect of Mt. Dew.
<<<<<Sailor Moon - That which does not Kill you... >>>>>>
C-chan: Makes your pants fall down.
Chapter Six ... 'Introspection of Time'
?????: [mechanic] I'm afraid this Time'll need a whole new engine. The engine block shot to heck and back.
All Characters are the Property of Naoko except Sho who is my Brainchild and Kyoya who is >comic relief.
A-kun: ["Devo"] If you have a Sho, you must whip it!
?????: SHOCK THE MONKEY!
A-kun and C-chan: KYOYA!
?????: SHOCK THE MONKEY!
A-kun and C-chan: KYOYA!
This story takes place in The Continuity of Sailor Moon ........Well it takes place >somewhere. I've decided it takes place between R and S.
C-chan: [confused] There's no letter between R and S!
?????: He means Sailor Moon R and Sailor Moon S. Which sucks, cause I wanted to see Haruka and Michiru.
The Characters Speech will be Translated to English Except where I feel it is >Inappropriate.
A-kun: Mmmm, try changing that to read "All speech will be translated into English, except when I feel Japanese is more appropriate."
.......................................................................
C-chan: Well, that was exciting.
A-kun: SHH!
One Week Later
"Makoto, I Like you and your friends a lot but I feel I need a little time alone. I'm >going to go to that Mall You took me to that first day I was here." Sho explained to a >frowning Makoto.
C-chan: [Makoto] All right, but if you become the Son of Evil again, we AREN'T going to restore you to normal, you hear?
?????: Um, I believe while it's rational to worry about attacks, Makoto does understand the desire to be alone occasionally. Try writing it like so, "Makoto, while I appreciate your concern, I'd like to be alone. Besides, I'll be at the mall you took me to on my first day here."
"Okay Sho, but here take this. Ami made up another communicator for you. If you get into >anything major hit this gold button that's the 'All Call' switch. We'll all come running at >that point." Makoto said as she handed Sho the communicator.
"Yes, Mako-chan I'll be a good little boy and keep in touch." Sho said Smiling Kawaiily >with a smirk. He then Grabbed his coat and left.
C-chan: If he flashes his bishounen eyes, I'm gonna-
?????: What?
C-chan: Ummmmm, criticize him.
A-kun: Here's a good way to remember not to capitalize - Think that you're paying to have this shown and every capital letter costs double. Didn't work for me, but I'm weird to begin with.
"Oh you, I'll�" ,Makoto began but stopped and laughed as he left.
?????: Don't need that comma until after began.
Sho headed off down the street unaware that he was being quietly observed� and Followed.
"This mall seems bigger now. I guess I just didn't notice it with all the girls with me
and the excitement of that first trip." Sho mused to himself. "But at least I have a few free >moments to myself. I've got to admit when I first got here things were extremely weird for >awhile. Come-on
C-chan: Don't need the hyphen.
?????: And is he muttering to himself?
A-kun: A good way to keep these comments from even happening is to make a designated symbol for thoughts. Like // // or [ ] or even -+ +-.
Mystical girls who fight creatures from elsewhere and me some kind of no-spandex wearing >superhero. It's enough to give a guy a complex." Sho continued to think to himself as his tail >moved in a little closer.
????? and C-chan: [O_O] He's a SAIYAJIN?!
Meanwhile
"Master, " Thought the creature from the shadows , "I've located the one. He's alone >right now and hasn't spotted me. Should I attack?"
?????: [Master] Why are you just standing in the shadows? Are you farting again? Are you sick? Are you playing a trick on me?
TharzZzDunN: [Master] What's that, Creature? Timmy fell down the well? Well, let him rot, BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! *SNERK* ACK! SWALLOWED A BEETLE!
"He's is alone you say," Said a disembodied voice, " Crush him then and you will be >raised to my right hand.
All: EW!
?????: I don't think ANY monster wants to be THAT to an evil overlord.
A-kun: Think this'll fly over the Author's head?
C-chan: Possibly.
Fail and you shall be lowered to the lowest rank. That is if you survive."
?????: Yes, it's the "The beatings will continue until morale improves" sort of rational thought.
A-kun: [Master] Come, get up. *KICK* *KICK* Being dead doesn't prevent you from going into rigor mortis, so it shouldn't keep you from doing my laundry.
C-chan: [Master] Just because you're Moondust doesn't excuse the fact that you tracked dirt in here. Clean it up immediately.
The creature smiled at the threat which it believed would never come to pass. "Prepare me >a seat then Master For I shall not Fail as I have never failed you before." The creature >replied and Broke the Link.
A-kun: Impossible, he wasn't even IN "Zelda: Link to the Past"!
?????: How do you know?
A-kun: No minions were hiding in the shadows.... well, not effectively for a master player like myself.
C-chan: [Creature] Just because I have a 100% failure rate doesn't mean I can't win THIS time!
The creature Rippled with Glee and extended it's claws and a Hooked tail thrashed from >behind him Making him look like a humanoid scorpion.
?????: Hmmm, try this - "The creature rippled with glee as it extended it's claws and hooked tail. As it exited the shadows, one might have said that it vaguely resembled a humanoid scorpion." Alter this as you like.
He Crawled onto the ceiling and continued his pursuit of Sho in the shadows along the >ceiling.
A-kun: [Creature] Hum-dee-dum-dum... AARRRRRRRRGGGGG! Damn spotlights!
Elsewhere
"I'm not sure we should have let Sho out of our sites
C-chan: Websites or construction sites?
?????: I think he meant sight. And you don't need to pluralize it. A group's combined vision is called "sight". Out of the group's sight, out of Mercury's sight, out of Shingo's sight.
every time we've been attacked lately has been when Sho was nearby." Ami remarked "And All the >attacks seem to be directed at either feeling out his strength or destroying him. Since they >failed to make a convert of him as they first tried .
A-kun: This last sentece feels sticky. Try, "destroying him, since they failed to make him into a permanent agent the first time." It may look like a run-on sentence, but it's for the best.
I think This new enemy is getting worried that Sho may be to strong a force to leave
?????: "force too leave".
unnoticed." Ami finished and looked at each of them in turn.
"Do you really think so Ami. I mean every attack we've had in the past was directed >towards finding something or draining energy. And that creature we met in the woods did say >something about more hikers to 'drain' are you sure you are on the mark with this one." Minako
C-chan: Period after "'drain'" and capitalize "are".
replied a little skeptically.
"Besides, " Rei said with a smirk remembering all the training sessions in the woods, >"Sho's a big boy. I don't think there's much he won't be able to handle. And if he can't he >has a communicator he'll call."
C-chan: Comma after "can't", period after "communicator" and capitalize "he'll".
Back at the Mall
"Hmmm, Lingerie shop,
A-kun: [Sho's conscience] Go on. You know you wanna.
no. Novelties , no. Sporting Goods, Yes I think I will."
?????: ...go back and visit the lingerie shop.
Sho thought to himself as he walked past storefronts and entered a Sporting Goods store. >Looking around the store he found things which to someone raised in America were a strange >sight in a sporting goods store.
A-kun: Comma after "which" and "America".
"Hmm, Kendo section� ,Bokkens ,nifty . Wow , Bo Staves. "Sho thought with glee as he pictured
C-chan: Don't need the comma in front of "Bokkens", you can turn the one after "Bokkens" into "..." and you've got a lot of unneccessary spaces in there. Like between "Wow" and the comma, the last period and the ". Also, space Sho away from the " once.
himself with a Nice new Bo staff in a scene which could have come straight from any Jackie >Chan Movie.
?????: "Nice" doesn't need to be capitalized.
It was at that point that something large rammed into him from above and smashed him to >his knees.
A-kun: How about "something large rammed into him from above, sending him to his knees."?
Sho rolled to the side and looked over expecting to see some piece of gear had fallen. >Screams and yells of terror began when suddenly from where he had just been standing a >powerful looking Creature now stood.
?????: [Creature] I am CREATURE MAN! I was bitten a radioactive CREATURE and turned into CREATURE MAN! I have two hundred hit points and I am weak to fire, lightning, light, ice and anyone named "Sho". You wouldn't happen to be named "Sho", would you?
It's tail lashed back and forth menacingly. It looked like some demented person had combined >a Scorpion, Cat, and a human and got something new entirely. The creature tensed it's legs and >sprang towards Sho.
C-chan: [Sho] BAD SCORPO-KITTY-BOY! DON'T GO ON THE CARPET!
Sho having been underneath him once had no wish to repeat the experience again and
?????: Try "Sho had no wish to feel the strike again, and"
flipped over the aisle into the next, grabbing one of the Bo Staves as he flipped.
C-chan: Hey, are you sure he's not Jackie Chan in disguise?
?????: Jackie Chan IS Sho in "SAILOR MOON... THAT WHICH DOES NOT KILL"!
"Ohh , So you are not as weak as my master seems to think. I am Tobis and I am here to >end your pitiful existence." The creature said and Lashed out with a clawed hand tearing a >swath from Sho's coat and the shirt underneath.
A-kun: [Creature] Uh-oh. I have a silly name and I'm fighting a hero-figure in a Sailor Moon story. [whimpering] Crud.
"Damn he's fast I think this is the something major Mako-chan was talking about" Sho
?????: More like this - "Damn, he's fast. I think this is the _something major_ Mako-chan was talking about."
C-chan: Hey, think the Author has a crush on Makoto?
A-kun: Well, the Author does spend a lot of time on her.
thought as he reached into his now ripped coat to retrieve the Communicator. Sho dipped and >dived away
C-chan: Try "dove" rather than "dived".
as Tobis continued to attack with claw and tail. "Where is it�Where is the dang >communicator." Sho was getting desperate until he saw the fabric from his coat and shirt >across the room from where he was now�and the communicator sitting on the floor beside it. >"This is Bad." Sho thought simply to himself as he was struck in the side by Tobis' wildly >swinging tail and thrown even farther from the communicator and back into the Kendo Section. >Looking around and seeing that all the innocent bystanders were out of sight pulled forth the >Silver Crest and shouted "Silver Ascension�"
C-chan: Violence Ascension!
A-kun: Critic Ascension!
?????: Reviewer Ascension!
C-chan: I am Sailor Violence!
A-kun: I am Sailor Critic!
?????: And I am Sailor Reviewer!
All: And we will review the rest of this fanfic!
Sho was changed into Sailor Silver in a cloud of bright white Light. "Now I can really >cut loose." Sailor Silver thought as he dropped the staff in favor of a Bokken from off the >rack.
"Now let's see what your made
Critic: It's "you're". As in *You* and *Are*. Your is for possession. I'm *YOUR* handy reviewer.
of Tobis." Sho said and began a Series of attacks with the Bokken.
"Shien-Choriki-Dei-Butsu-Metsu" At this point in the combo Sailor Silver leaped High into >the air and brought the Bokken down upon Tobis. Tobis Screamed as it hit but the Bokken
Violence: Don't need to capitalize the "Screamed" and you need a comma after "hit".
snapped in half at the impact "A wooden sword just isn't going to cut it here." Sailor Silver >thought.
Critic: No duh.
Meanwhile Back at the Shrine
Just as Rei was finishing her previous thought a shimmering appeared in the corner of the
Reviewer: Comma after "thought". And perhaps add "light" or "image" after "shimmering". Unless a Shimmering is a creature we haven't heard of.
room and a voice came out. "Senshi� Sailor Silver is in trouble at the Mall. The Future >depends on his survival and he is overmatched." Out of the shimmering stepped the one The >Senshi knew as "Pu" or Sailor Pluto.
Reviewer: After shimmering, add "light" or "image". Sorry, but it'll get confusing otherwise.
Violence: And after "the one", add a comma.
Critic: And she's only known as "Pu" to Chibi-Usa. Her real life name is Setsuna Meiou. Chibi-Usa no doubt picked the pet name "Pu" because of the way one can say Pluto when you're so young.
"So you were the Voice Sho heard at the attack at the supermarket." Makoto slapped a fist >into her palm.
All: [O_O] Who's fist?
Critic: [snickering] Sorry, but it sounds like she grabbed someone's hand and slapped into into her own palm.
"Yes but now is not the time to speak of this we must hurry if we are to prevent Sailor >Silver from being seriously hurt." Pluto said.
Reviewer: Period after "this" and capitalize "we".
"Well let's stop talking about it and go do it." Minako said pulling out her Henshin Rod.
"Moon Crystal Power�" Usagi began.
"Mercury Star Power�" Ami followed.
"Jupiter Star Power�" Makoto said.
"Mars Star Power�" Rei chanted.
"Venus Star Power�" Venus finished.
"MAKE UP�" They all chorused as the transformations began.
As the Senshi finished they all began a dash for the Mall.
Critic: A mad dash!
Violence: For the savings at Menard's!
Back At the Mall's Sporting Goods Store
Sailor Silver was currently in midair after a particularly nasty hit and was feeling it.
Violence: Instead of "and was feeling it", try "and was seriously hurting".
His cape was in tatters and the front of his uniform was in shreds. He picked himself up off >the floor just in time to get knocked back down by Tobis' tail swipe which followed up his >previous strike.
"With the way the master has been ordering his underlings to attack you I expected more >from you. But instead I find this Pathetic lump." Tobis taunted.
Critic: [Sho] Yeah? Well, that's just because I happen to have more.... more.... um, blood! That's right! I have more blood than you! NYAH NYAH!
Reviewer: [Tobis, sniffling] You really know how to hurt a monster, don't you? BOO-HOO-HOO-HOO!
Sailor Silver Kicked him in the head and followed up with a Quicksilver Flash ,
Violence: Um, a little explanation, please. What's a Quicksilver Flash? Is that his energy ball attack? Or is he flashing Tobis?
Knocking Tobis away and earning himself a slight breather. "You want a challenge buddy. Well >I aim to please." Silver said as he picked up another Bokken from the rack and raised it to En >garde position Just before he got rocked by a tail hit from his side.
"Ohh the Lump can talk tough. Maybe I ,Should, be scared." Tobis said with heavy sarcasm.
Violence: Rather than use commas, how about using these: _
"I've fought children more powerful than you." Tobis continued to pummel Sailor Silver back >and forth while Silver tried to counterattack.
Critic: [Tobis] Sure, they were Cthulu's children and I was actually running away more than fighting, but you get the idea.
Silver threw a Quicksilver Flash from the Bokken and it traveled much faster than Tobis >could react to. Tobis was knocked down but before Silver could throw another he was back in >his face, tail swing around towards his head to smash him senseless.
Reviewer: Need commas after "down" and "another". And instead of writing it "he was back in his face", how about "Tobis was back in Sho's face"?. Then, end the sentence after "face". Add an "a" before "tail swing" and change "towards" to "to" and change "smash him" to "knock him". Sorry about rambling, but it's a lot of little things that add up to one big thing.
"Burning Mandala�,Venus Love Me Chain�"
Violence: Unless one person is saying it, separate the phrases.
Tobis was startled as his tail was knocked away by Mars and Venus's attacks.
"Oh Look , More playmates. How fun." Tobis eyes gleamed as he gazed at the new threat >surrounding him. A quick Tail sweep sent them all jumping back away from him but not before >they got Sailor Silver away.
"What's this? Standing between a hunter and his prey. Either your very brave, or >extraordinarily stupid. I'm thinking the Second." Tobis said glaring angrily at the senshi. He >sent a quick slash at Mercury which she blocked but totally missed the Tail Heading for her >side and she was thrown violently out of the store to hit a fountain.
Violence: Add a comma after "blocked" and try this for the ending. "for her side, which sent her back out of the store to land in a fountain."
Mercury Stumbled groggily to her feet and returned inside to see that in the few moments >that she was gone the Senshi hadn't fared so well.
Critic: Don't need to capitalize "Stumbled".
Then she cried out, "Double Shabon Spray�" under the cover of the mist she pulled out an >unconscious Sailor Jupiter.
Reviewer: How about "She cried out, "Double Shabon Spray!". Under the cover of the mist, she pulled out Sailor Jupiter, who was unconscious".
Just then from the side a voice was heard it was in the tone of a whisper but could >easily be heard throughout the room as Sailor Pluto raised the Time Key "Dead Scream�".
Violence: How about instead "Just then, from the other side of the room, Sailor Pluto raised the Time Key and whispered "Dead Scream" softly, but loudly enough to be heard across the room."
A Blast of energy whipped through the room to impact against Tobis and hurl him bodily across >the Store and through a wall into a storage room. The concious senshi all sent attacks
Critic: How about removing that "bodily"? It would imply that spiritually and mentally, he wasn't moved and that's just silly.
streaming after him but he still came pouring out of the room a moment later looking a bit >charred but still dangerous.
Violence: Commas after "him" and "later".
He whipped his tail out in a fast strike at Sailor Moon when a rose struck his >outstretched tail and pinned it to the floor. "Sailor Moon Hit him Now." Said the newly >appeared Tuxedo Kamen.
Critic: Instead of "appeared", try "arrived".
Sailor Moon pulled out the Moon scepter and cried out, "Moon Princess�"
Just then Tobis pulled his tail out of the ground and sent it whipping at the nearest >Senshi who happened to be Sailor Mars. Suddenly Sailor Silver was in front of Sailor Mars and >took the strike directly on his chest.
"HALATION�" said Sailor Moon as she completed her attack and destroyed Tobis in a storm >of pure energy.
Sailor Silver dropped to his knees in front of Sailor Mars then slowly fell the rest of >the way to the floor a bright red stain appearing on his side.
***********************************************************************
end Chapter 6
Write and tell me how you liked it.
HYPERLINK mailto:pakman@clover.net pakman@clover.net
[The three reviewers return to normal.]
A-kun: We may have seemed viscious during this one, but this is so you can start to get a grasp of what is and isn't wrong. Plus, we got to go through and point out the mistakes, rather than having me glance over the documents after reading them and come up with a general review. The story is still intriguing and once these mistakes are cleared up, it'll get better.
?????: I thought it was pretty good for a starting fanfic. After all, my original is still on hold.
C-chan: And I've only written a very small spam series that died after the first episode because the later episodes became repeative.
A-kun: All in all, your work is good, just needs some fine-tuning. Keep it up.
Ben McCrillis <aka. A-kun>
reply at akun15@hotmail.com
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