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"The Replacement Ranmas"
by Angus MacSpon
Part Three
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STARRING
(so far)
Tenchi Masaki as "Ranma Saotome"
Shayla-Shayla as "Ranma Saotome"
Asuka Langley Soryu as "Akane Tendo"
Co-Starring
Yosho Masaki as "Soun Tendo"
Nanami Jinnai as "Nabiki Tendo"
Belldandy as "Kasumi Tendo"
Kaji Ryoji as "Genma Saotome"
Pen-Pen as "Genma Saotome"
Tamahome as "Ryoga Hibiki"
Toshiyuki Aoshima as "Tatewaki Kuno"
Ken Nakajima as "Ono Tofu"
Disclaimer: All characters are copyright and appear without permission
of their respective copyright-holders. Not available on Betamax.
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[Morning at Furinkan High School. Our viewpoint slowly pans across the
grounds, toward the main building. The clock is striking nine o'clock,
though the hands read 10:40.]
[As we slowly move inside, we heard a surprisingly young voice saying,
"Good morning, class," and a chorus of other voices saying, "Good
morning, Miss Hinako." Our viewpoint moves toward a classroom labelled
'1-F'.]
[And finally, inside the classroom. There are noticeably more girls
than boys present. The teacher at the front of the room appears to be a
young girl with a yellow ribbon in her hair. TENCHI is standing next to
her.]
AZUSA KANZAKI: Well, class, it seems we have a new student today.
Ranma Saotome.
TENCHI [embarrassed]: Hi.
AZUSA [studying a document on her desk]: Hmm, it says here you're
secretly half-alien. Well, as long as you're not a mamono, I guess
that's all right. I'm not supposed to go moonlighting while I'm doing
this part.
TENCHI: Thanks. Err ... what?
AZUSA [suspiciously]: You're not a delinquent, are you? I wouldn't
want to have to demonstrate my "Happo Spear of Fuma Satsu."
TENCHI: Umm. No? No! [He finds a seat hastily.]
AZUSA: Good. Now -- Akane Tendo!
ASUKA [standing up]: Yes, Miss Hinako?
AZUSA: It seems that you used a giant robot to stomp most of the boys
at this school into jelly this morning.
ASUKA: Err ... yes ...?
AZUSA: Go stand in the hall.
[ASUKA stomps out sullenly. AZUSA begins the class. TENCHI listens
carefully for a while, then suddenly looks guilty and pretends to fall
asleep.]
VOICE [from outside]: Darling! Darling? Where are you?
[Everyone looks around. A young woman is floating at the window. She
has green hair, horns, and is wearing a tiger-striped bikini.]
LUM: Excuse me. Has anyone seen Darling?
TENCHI: Lum! I didn't know you were in this too. Who are you playing?
LUM: Oh, nobody. This is a completely gratuitous cameo, t'cha. Have
you see Ataru?
TENCHI: No, sorry.
LUM: Bother. [She flies off.]
AZUSA: Ranma! No talking to aliens in class. Go stand in the hall.
[Out in the hall. TENCHI and ASUKA are holding buckets of water.]
TENCHI: I'm fairly sure that Miss Hinako isn't supposed to be appearing
this early on.
ASUKA: No, I think she's just there to annoy the purists.
TENCHI. Oh. Well, all right.
[There is a sudden shout of rage form some distance off. They look around
to see AOSHIMA approaching, carrying a bucket of water of his own.]
AOSHIMA: Saotome! I will never accept you marrying Akane!
TENCHI: Kuno? Why, what's wrong? I thought you --
AOSHIMA: Because that would make you my brother-in-law after I marry
Kasumi, of course!
[He throws his bucket of water, soaking TENCHI.]
TENCHI: Silly me. I should have guessed.
SHAYLA [tapping him on the shoulder]: Ahem.
TENCHI: Whoops. Sorry. [He runs off.]
NANAMI [appearing suddenly]: Anyone who wants explanations of what that
was all about, going now for only five hundred yen. [A crowd of
students clusters around her.]
SHAYLA: Right. Now, where were we? [She cracks her knuckles.] Oh,
right. Kuno. This is the swimming pool scene, isn't it? Right this
way.
[She picks up AOSHIMA, strides down the corridor to an open window, and
throws him out.]
SHAYLA: Bye.
ASUKA: But this is the third floor!
SHAYLA: And your point is?
ASUKA: ...
SHAYLA: Well?
ASUKA: I'm thinking, I'm _thinking_!
[AOSHIMA suddenly appears again. He is dripping wet. He stares at
SHAYLA, enraptured, and glomps her.]
AOSHIMA: A cute little red-haired girl!
[SHAYLA throws him out the window again.]
AOSHIMA [plummeting]: Hmm. I must re-think my strategy.
[Elsewhere. A young bandanna'd man approaches a street vendor.]
TAMAHOME: Excuse me, but do you know where Furinkan High School is?
VENDOR: That's in Tokyo, isn't it? This is Osaka.
TAMAHOME: [Sighs.] Why did I let Miaka talk me into this job? Oh,
well, the money's good. I hope.
[Elsewhere. A tiny, wizened old figure is walking along beside a young
girl whose hair might, in the right light, look purple. The tiny figure
is wearing a heavy cloak and hood.]
FIGURE: Don't forget, now. Talk in broken phrases, and always refer to
yourself in the third person.
NUKU-NUKU: Nuku-nuku will try.
FIGURE: Shampoo. Your name is Shampoo.
NUKU-NUKU: Nuku-nuku no understand that part. Nuku-nuku's name is
Atsuko. Nuku-nuku thinks. Nuku-nuku is kind of confused about the
whole name thing, actually.
FIGURE: I don't think you need to refer to yourself in the third person
quite _that_ much. The broken language is pretty good, though.
NUKU-NUKU: But why does Nuku-nuku need shampoo? Nuku-nuku's hair is --
FIGURE: No, no. Your _name_ is Shampoo.
NUKU-NUKU: Nuku-nuku is ... er, Sham ... er ...
FIGURE: Shampoo, Nuku-nuku.
NUKU-NUKU: ... Shnuku-nuku?
FIGURE: [Sighs] Close enough. Remember to call me Great-grandmother,
too. And if you want to have a chance with Ranma, try to keep those
ears of yours closed.
NUKU-NUKU [smiling toothily]: Shnuku-nuku understands that part.
[Elsewhere ... er, outside Doctor Tofu's. A penguin is busy sweeping
the path outside the front door. KEN is supervising it grimly.]
KEN: I don't care if you _are_ wearing a silly costume. You wanted a
job here -- well, SWEEP!
PEN-PEN [holds up sign]: "This fanfic unfair to flightless birds."
KEN [muttering]: I'm going to get someone for this.
[Lunch-time at school. TENCHI and ASUKA are sitting more or less
together.]
ASUKA [opening her lunch]: All right, finally I get to try Kasumi's
cooking.
TENCHI: Ah. No good cooks in your series?
ASUKA: Misato's cooking is ... an experience, I'll admit.
TENCHI: Heh. You should try Aeka's sometime. Or Mihoshi's. Now
that's something to give you nightmares. [He big-sweats.] ... Umm, I
really hope they aren't reading this ...
ASUKA: Don't sweat it. C'mon, dig in.
[They start to eat. They stop eating. They stare at their food.]
ASUKA: Actually, Misato's cooking is _better_ than this.
TENCHI: This tastes like the cook was taking lessons from Aeka ... and
failing.
[They stare at each other.]
BOTH: Something's happened to Kasumi!
[A street. In the background, we can see an empty lot. There are two
people standing there, apparently about to fight. One is tall and
unmistakably female. The other is tall and unmistakably KAJI.]
[ASUKA and TENCHI run by, on their way home.]
ASUKA: Come on, hurry!
TENCHI: I am hurrying! Can't you go any faster than that?
[They run off. In the background, the female figure clouts KAJI over
the head with a broken-off stop sign.]
KAJI: Owww.
FEMALE: Well, I'm sorry. We couldn't get a spatula that size. This is
a low-budget fanfic, you know.
[The Tendo home. ASUKA and TENCHI come running in. YOSHO is in the
living room. He looks up in surprise.]
ASUKA: Where's Kasumi?
YOSHO: In the kitchen. What's wrong?
TENCHI: Something's happened to her. Her cooking's terrible!
YOSHO: Oh?
ASUKA [suspicious]: Wait a minute. Didn't you notice, at lunch?
YOSHO: Well, I'd read a little ahead in the script, so I ordered
take-out.
TENCHI: Never mind that, let's find out what's wrong! Maybe she's been
brainwashed, or something.
[They run into the kitchen. BELLDANDY is happily cooking away.]
ASUKA: Oneechan! Are you all right? What happened?
BELLDANDY: Why, whatever do you mean, Akane dear?
ASUKA: Huh? You're all right?
TENCHI: Umm ... [He points to the pot BELLDANDY is stirring.] Wasn't
that liquid soap you just put in there?
BELLDANDY: Oh, my, however do you suppose that happened?
ASUKA: Tenchi! Hold her!
TENCHI: Er ... [He grabs hold of BELLDANDY, reluctantly. She smiles
at him, and a small cloud of steam escapes from his collar.]
ASUKA: Now!
[She fumbles at BELLDANDY's neck, and suddenly pulls something loose. In
a moment, a full-face mask is peeled away, revealing --]
ASUKA: Mara! So you're behind this!
MARA: I'd have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for you meddling
kids!
TENCHI: What -- what have you done with Belldandy? Kasumi, I mean.
MARA: Ha! Nothing, it's been me all along! Belldandy wouldn't leave
Keiichi, so I took her place! HAHAHAHA!
ASUKA: I'd have thought you'd have taken the Kodachi role.
MARA: I thought about it, but this is going to be much more fun.
You're all going to have to eat my cooking ... EVERY DAY! HAHAHAHAHA!
TENCHI: ... We're doomed.
ASUKA: We are so doomed.
[YOSHO ambles up.]
YOSHO: Oh, Ranma. I just remembered. This arrived for you. [He hands
a letter to TENCHI.]
TENCHI: A letter? That's odd. [He opens it.] Oh, great. It's a
challenge from Aoshima. We're supposed to have a ... a motorcycle race?
Why doesn't anybody use swords? For the hand of ... oh man. For the
hand of Kasumi. I'm not even _engaged_ to Kasumi!
ASUKA: Wait a minute. Did you say for the hand of --?
[The Furinkan High School racetrack, at sunset. What do you mean, you
didn't know Furinkan had a racetrack? Please. No self-respecting
school would be without one. Honest. Trust me.]
[ASUKA and TENCHI approach. AOSHIMA is waiting for them.]
AOSHIMA: So! The moment of truth. Are you ready to race?
TENCHI: No, I ... well, I have to admit it. You've just got me
outclassed, Aoshima.
AOSHIMA [surprised]: ... I do?
ASUKA: Oh, yes. No way could he hope to beat you, sempai.
TENCHI: True. Too, too true. So I've come to surrender. You win,
Aoshima. [He wipes a teardrop from his eye.] I will no longer stand in
your way.
AOSHIMA: ... You won't?
ASUKA: You ... you can marry my eldest sister, sempai.
TENCHI: Take her. She's yours.
AOSHIMA: This ... this is the happiest moment of my life!
ASUKA: And I hope you'll be together for a very long time.
TENCHI: A ver-r-r-r-r-r-y long time.
[END OF PART THREE]
[Closing theme: "Fly Me to the Moon" performed as a Gregorian chant by
Tenchi, Ken, Yosho and Tamahome.]
Based on Ranma 1/2, Tenchi Muyo, El-Hazard, Oh! My Goddess, Neon Genesis
Evangelion, You're Under Arrest, Fushigi Yugi, Devil Hunter Yohko and
All-Purpose Cultural Catgirl Nuku-Nuku, created and copyright by a whole
lot of people, none of whom are me, and used without permission. The
author is not affiliated with any major brands of stapler.
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Angus MacSpon Allen Gainsford
http://shell.ihug.co.nz/~macspon/ http://shell.ihug.co.nz/~macspon/