At 11:56 PM 4/6/99 -0700, you wrote:
One just feels like rebuttaling, where one felt things were clear
enough/proper. Hopes no one minds. All opinions are one's own. (For
obvious reasons.)
Of course! Critiques always have the caveat that one does not have to
listen to them. ;-)
calls the attention of
the house, and otherwise results in complete higgelty-piggelty. Alas
for the devotees of the Right and Proper Order of Things, however,
Ranma's well-honed reflexes and hard-wired skills were in full working
order; and she removed herself from complete (if, sadly, clothed)
entanglement in Akane's embrace to a position standing upright in the
middle of the room without much more than a mild heart attack.
The semicolon in this paragraph is not right. A semicolon closes one
thought
and launches the reader into a related thought. The sentences here are a
continual line of thought and should be separated by a simple comma or
made into
individual sentences. Also, the purpose of the word "and" is to join two
sentences together; it is normally a grammatical error to place
punctuation in
front of it. (Sound like an English teacher, don't I?)
Well, error to put a semicolon in front of it. Either a comma would
be appropriate, or removal of the and, but not simple removal of the
semicolon.
The point was that it needs to be separated by another method. The
overall sentence is too long and awkward for no punctuation at all. If I
were to write this, I'd likely split it up into two or three different
sentences.
She also noted the pounding pain of a massive
migraine headache, foretelling an impressive hang-over.
Is the use here, and in following paragraphs, of the idea that they
would
develop a hangover appropriate? They did not get drunk, they expended vast
amounts of spiritual energy and got the stuffing kicked out of them in
the astral
fighting. That would cause them to ache every bit as much as you
describe, but
not to experience the symptoms of hangover. I've also experienced
extreme fatigue
and excruciating pain, and it never made me act the way you are
portraying in this
scene. The "dead-rat-in-mouth" taste, the extreme sensitivity to light
and sound,
and the general unsteadiness you are describing are "morning after a
drinking
binge", not "morning after a traumatic experience". Migraine and
stiffness are
more to be expected. After sustaining a severe injury, walking was
difficult for
me and I preferred quiet, but light posed no hazards and my mouth, while
dry,
tasted no worse than usual.
What this is getting at, one thinks, is what's revealed later in the
massive eating scenes... this isn't a hangover, it's a hang_under_.
They're operating on a caloric and fluid deficiency brought about by
'borrowing' fuel from their future selves. (How that would have
worked out had they not returned, one's not sure. Time paradoxes and
such.)
I suspected as much. The problem is that there is no exposition in the
story to show it. It would be well if that were added somewhere.
Shortly, a shambling figure tackled the complex challenge of walking
down a flight of stairs without toppling over. It's progress was not
eased by its apparent difficulty with the dim hallway light, which was
causing it to move in a series of flinches. Exerting supreme
self-control,
it avoided a lunging attempt to descend the stairs and achieve the
door of the furo in a single moment, outracing light itself. Which was
a good thing, really, because the photons hanging around were already
sufficiently annoyed, and the figure was in enough trouble as it was.
Going to neuter pronouns here makes no sense to me. We already know
that it's
Akane, so why not use the feminine and say "she" and "her"?
Probably from the emphasis that this figure isn't _entirely_ human at
the moment... the gods know one's been in that state, and neuter is
about the right gender to attribute it.
Then it should be played for all it's worth! Something like: "In an aura
reminiscent of a horror movie, Akane's form rose from her bed like a zombie
rising from the crypt. Shortly, the shambling figure tackled the complex
challenge..."
Ranma stood up and gingerly took the sword away, laying it flat on the
portable table she was using to hold her cleaning gear. "Taiken. It's a
Taiken." She withdrew the sword from its scabbard and turned it over and
around in her hands. It was slightly longer than a katana, straight
bladed
and double-edged, but still chisel-pointed. It was made of a dull, gray
steel, better polished in the middle of the blade, which sank into a
blood-groove accented by the yakiba-mon, the wavy pattern that
indicates the
different steel composition used in the edge of a blade.
I'm confused by the description of the sword. Japanese blades tend
to be
single edged or only sharpened a short distance along the back from the
point;
it's a product of the way they are forged. If a Katana style sword was
double
edged, it would lose the flexibility of the softer metal back spine used
to give
it toughness. If a Japanese blade wasn't of composite materials, it
would be
rather brittle due to the extreme hardness folding the steel and the
extra edge
tempering brings about. Also, are you basing this more on the ancient
pattern of
Ken brought from China, or the later pattern the Japanese developed
themselves
that evolved into the Tachi and Katana styles? If it's a Ken pattern, it
wouldn't
have a chisel point.
Simply put, it _isn't_ a Japanese sword. It's a sword from a reality
somewhat removed, which had a culture vaguely analogous to feudal
Japan. The sword style is similar to that of some earthly swords, but
corresponds to none. (One is impressed by your knowledge of the
field, though.)
Again, it is then a matter of adding to the story to make that clear.
While its otherworldly provenance is stated, there is insufficient
description of its overall pattern. It would help to have a good
understanding of the fighting style the sword was designed for when Ranma
tells Akane about it.
Quickly dressing, she picked Isileth from the stand on her dresser
and slipped her in her jacket.
How long IS this sword? How big is that _jacket_??
Observe this simple handkerchief; observe this battleship...
The problem here is that while we can expect that sort of thing from Ranma
(his mastery of magic has plenty of foreshadowing), I can't recall a single
instance in the previous chapters where he taught Akane the trans
dimensional pocket technique. Previous chapters have established a long
and detailed pattern of rational explanations for the various chi
techniques in this story, so having someone able to use one "just because"
is a disappointment.
Larry Fontenot
Member Computer Consultant
Members Computer Source
http://www.memberscomputer.com/