Hi!  Since you have begged for C&C, here you go, both barrels.  I tend to get
a bit brutal in some places, but I hope it's all constructive.



Hallstrom Consultants wrote:

In other news, I have revamped my homepage at Mindspring:
http://www.mindspring.com/~hallcon/
and added a new one at XOOM:
http://members.xoom.com/RandA_ALS/
You may ask: why?
The answer is: MP3s.

    Whose links don't work.  :-(
I tried to check out some of the music, and got garbage characters on a web page
every time I clicked on a link... except for the one that said that the page did
not exist.

As always, C&C is lived, died, begged, and written for.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------


Ranma and Akane: A Love Story
Chapter 5: The End of the Beginning
Part A: An Unexpected Party

------------------------------------------------------------------------

(snip)

   When, on the other hand, the other whose bed you are waking up in is
an Other whom no-one,

    Is this British spelling?  In American english, "no one" does not have a dash
in it.

including the other, may be allowed to suspect
_is_ the Other then things are supposed to be managed for maximum
embarrassment for all involved. (Yes, it _is_ a complex sentence. Read
it through a couple times, it means what it says.)

    It might help if you chose a consistent line of capitalization.  You go back
and forth between "Other" and "other"; IMHO, it would be better if you used
"Other" in all cases (since I believe that the term is meant to be highly
significant).

Fortunately for
Ranma, the sensation of Akane breathing into her ear woke her alone and
unobserved.

   This precipitated what should have been the type of convulsive jerk
that knocks over the bed, wakes the bed-mate,

    Again, there seems to be a constant use of dashes in places that are
inappropriate to American spelling.  This occurs many times in the following text
as well, but this is the last time I'll mention it.  The question arises because I
see no other signs of standard British spelling used, except in the deliberate
Celtic slanting of the story.

calls the attention of
the house, and otherwise results in complete higgelty-piggelty. Alas
for the devotees of the Right and Proper Order of Things, however,
Ranma's well-honed reflexes and hard-wired skills were in full working
order; and she removed herself from complete (if, sadly, clothed)
entanglement in Akane's embrace to a position standing upright in the
middle of the room without much more than a mild heart attack.

    The semicolon in this paragraph is not right.  A semicolon closes one thought
and launches the reader into a related thought.  The sentences here are a
continual line of thought and should be separated by a simple comma or made into
individual sentences.  Also, the purpose of the word "and" is to join two
sentences together; it is normally a grammatical error to place punctuation in
front of it.  (Sound like an English teacher, don't I?)

   This should not, however, be construed as to mean that the forces
of Dramatic Righteousness were entirely cheated of their due. The human
body is a complex collection of muscles, bone, nerves, joints, ligaments,
and other such items. Ranma's collection chose that moment to send
her a wide array of bitterly-complaining messages, relaying their utter
dissatisfaction with her current state and accusing her of criminal
incompetence at the top.

    Incompetence or negligence?  I would have phrased it as "relaying their utter
dissatisfaction with her current state and accusing her of criminal negligence at
best."

She also noted the pounding pain of a massive
migraine headache, foretelling an impressive hang-over.

    Is the use here, and in following paragraphs, of the idea that they would
develop a hangover appropriate?  They did not get drunk, they expended vast
amounts of spiritual energy and got the stuffing kicked out of them in the astral
fighting.  That would cause them to ache every bit as much as you describe, but
not to experience the symptoms of hangover.  I've also experienced extreme fatigue
and excruciating pain, and it never made me act the way you are portraying in this
scene.  The "dead-rat-in-mouth" taste, the extreme sensitivity to light and sound,
and the general unsteadiness you are describing are "morning after a drinking
binge", not "morning after a traumatic experience".  Migraine and stiffness are
more to be expected.  After sustaining a severe injury, walking was difficult for
me and I preferred quiet, but light posed no hazards and my mouth, while dry,
tasted no worse than usual.

   Action was clearly called for, and she exerted her trained will and
knowledge of Magic and martial lore, pushing back the pain and stiffness,
and adjusting a wide range of inner balances. A long soak in a hot
bath and some serious reconstructive meditation was clearly called for.
It would be a good idea to wake Akane, however. Particularly since,
unless she was seriously mistaken, Akane's lingering effects of the
day's adventures would be even more extreme than her own.

   Ranma felt a renewed pang of grief shoot through her as she took
in Akane's profile, following the new lines of scars that spread out in
a web around her left eye, easily visible as she lay on her right side.
She locked the sensation deeply inside, however; even if revealing
the extent of her sorrow were not far too dangerous to the carefully
constructed masquerade she must now live, it was horribly disrespectful
to Akane. She had, after all, followed along of her own free will, and
must be regarded as a warrior capable of knowing her own honor and what
it demanded.

   Honorable action required what it required, after all, and cost what
it cost. Had she, herself, not born up under wounds as great? To rail
against the necessary costs of one's actions was to cheapen them, and
to cheapen Akane was a thing which she could never do.

    Having used the word "cost" twice in the first sentence, a synonym would be
better in the third sentence.  For example, "the necessary price of one's
actions".

   Akane's slumber proved more than a match for Ranma's somewhat lessened
resources, and Ranma finally decided simply to let her sleep. Summoning
her ferocious will and inexhaustible endurance, she strode out the
door and down the stairs towards the furo and a long, hot soak with all
the grace and power of an octogenarian tortoise.

    Turtles and tortoises are noted for exceptionally long life spans.  An eighty
year old tortoise could be considered young and spry!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

   Nabiki was of the opinion that a long soak could only improve an
issue, and had indulged in one to the fullest extent possible after
informing Kasumi and Soun of events. After finishing her bath, she was
inclined to talk over a few things with Kasumi, just to make sure that
they were both on the same page as regards her dear little sister's
idiocy and its probable cause. A moment's hesitation alerted her to an
approaching spectacle however, and she silently slipped around a corner
to await it.

    I am confused about the time frame here.  I was under the impression that this
takes place the morning following their astral battle.  Is this supposed to be the
same evening as the events in the hospital?  If not, then did Nabiki stay up all
night talking to Soun and Kasumi?

   The spectacle in question did not disappoint. Ranma, jacket-less,
unscarved and carrying her shirt in her hand, limped vaguely down the
stairs and into the furo.

    "Limped vaguely"?  "Vague" is a mental state and seems inappropriate here.
How about "limped erratically"?

Briefly, Nabiki exerted her control and forbade
herself to make any noise. She had heard from her rumor sources that
Ranma was scarred beneath her usual enveloping clothes, but she had not
expected.... And _some_ of those scars were not old; were not fine, white
lines but rather angry, red welts.

   Nabiki felt her eyes fill, briefly, with tears. She would have to
remember this sight, she thought, whenever she doubted her sister's lover.

    This is an awful definite statement.  Doesn't Nabiki only suspect that Ranma
and Akane might be in love at this time?

Ranma might be overly heroic and possessed of something resembling a
death-wish, but there could be no doubt that she knew the cost of the
actions she took. In some ways, she mused, Ranma must be very like herself;
must, at all times, have one eye on the cost. Shaking her head she turned
from the closing door and went to talk to Kasumi.

    More overuse of the word "cost".  Some variation would help.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

   She woke up. This, she decided, was her first mistake. She was not
immediately sure what had awakened her, but she _was_ immediately sure
that she wished it hadn't bothered. Her hair hurt. And that was not even
considering the mad kamikaze air molecules that were attempting to flay
her skin off. Now that she whimpered it, how _had_ those tribes of mad,
jack-hammer wielding dwarves gotten inside her skull, anyway? And what
had she done to piss them off so badly? Couldn't they have written her a,
a letter or something? She'd have apologized, really.

   Also, she really had to talk to someone about putting dead rats in her
mouth. It just wasn't civilized, and whoever had done it ought to have
known better. She tried to summon up a sense of righteous outage,

    "outrage"

but all
she could manage was a dull throb, and it immediately got lost in all
the other aches and pains.

   Attempting to discern where, exactly, she was, she opened her eyes.
Mistake number two, instantly taken advantage of by the roving hordes
of photon nomadic warriors,

    Oops, you've got a noun in front of an adjective in this name.  How about
"nomadic photon warriors"?  Although that doesn't quite do it either... a more
effective phrase might be "marauding photon warriors".

which used the opening in her defenses to
invade down her optic nerves in a howling wave and set her brain on fire.

   Attempting to quench the flames, she curled into a foetal ball and
threw her arms around her head. Mistake number three. It was really
fascinating, she thought distantly, that a sufficient amount of adverse
sensory stimuli could not only induce unconsciousness, but could immediately
negate it. Well, she had obviously screwed up _somewhere_, big-time. Now
the question was: where was Ranchan when you really needed her?

   Ranma. Didn't she have a vague memory of Ranma saying something?
Something ... about ... about ... getting up? ... and going ... to the
furo. Or she'd stiffen up.... Ah.... So that was it. Well, she could
see that the rest of the day promised to be unpleasant. Yep. But she had
a plan to outwit it. Just as soon as she took her bath and got a little
control back, she was going to die. Yep. That'd show it. You bet.

    Using "yep" twice in the same paragraph seems to lessen the impact.  Perhaps
it would be better to drop the first example; the two sentences around it do not
need the emphasis.  That would make it sound better later on.

   Now all she had to do was, get to the furo. Which involved ... taking
off her clothes ... and going ... all the way down the stairs. Oh dear.

    I love the "Oh dear".  What if you made it into its own paragraph?  Such as:

    Now all she had to do was get to the furo. Which involved ... taking off her
clothes ... and going ... all the way down the stairs...

    Oh dear.

That should maximize the impact and the understatement simultaneously!

   Shortly, a shambling figure tackled the complex challenge of walking
down a flight of stairs without toppling over. It's progress was not
eased by its apparent difficulty with the dim hallway light, which was
causing it to move in a series of flinches. Exerting supreme self-control,
it avoided a lunging attempt to descend the stairs and achieve the
door of the furo in a single moment, outracing light itself. Which was
a good thing, really, because the photons hanging around were already
sufficiently annoyed, and the figure was in enough trouble as it was.

    Going to neuter pronouns here makes no sense to me.  We already know that it's
Akane, so why not use the feminine and say "she" and "her"?

   Stumbling down the last stair risers and shuffling down the hall, the
figure had nearly attained its hoped-for sanctuary when fate cruelly
intervened. A firm, decisive footstep was heard, and Tendo Soun rounded
the corner of the hall and came face-to-face with his daughter. And, for
a brief moment, nothing happened. Then Akane feebly attempted to placate
the looming disaster by waving her hands at her father, and whimpering.
Alas, in vain; slowly started but rapidly rising then came the vessel of
ultimate horror (at least to anyone with a killing hangover), a full,
all-out Soun Tendo Wail. (#2516: My daughter went to Hell and lost her eye,
now she'll never get a husband and I'll be alone in my old age, aiieeee!)

    And here, you suddenly shift from neuter to feminine. I'd rather you had stuck
with referring to her normally all the way through.  Of course, that is my
personal preference; another might like it this way.

   The noise went through Akane's already shot nerves like a buzzsaw and
she collapsed to the floor in a foetal ball. Naked and dripping from the
tub, Ranma was at her side two seconds later. Knelling at Akane's side,
Ranma gently coaxed her out of her curled up misery, leveling a glare
at Soun that sent that worthy backwards in a dead faint.

    You've used the phrase "fetal ball" twice now.  About four or five paragraphs
back, you used the same image when she was in bed.

   Nabiki, drawn by the *thud* of Akane impacting the floor, managed a gasp
before Ranma cut her off. "Nabiki-san, please ask Kasumi-san to get Acchan
a glass of hangover cure, I believe that she knows one or two." Smoothly,
Ranma picked Akane up and took her into the furo. Nabiki gaped briefly at
the closing door before running back to fetch Kasumi.

    I'm still wondering why she'd have a hangover.  There has been no explanation
for it at all.  If there is a spirit based reason why they would be experiencing
hangover like symptoms, please add it to the beginning of this!  Also, I realize
that Kasumi would presumably know hangover cures because Soun drinks a lot, but
there is no foreshadowing of that either.  You've just dropped it on us out of
nowhere without a supporting reference.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

   Timidly, Kasumi knocked on the door to the bath. "Ranma-san, may I come
in?"

    (lots of snipping)

------------------------------------------------------------------------

   "Ranma-san! I will not permit you to run off without dinner. It is
getting late and you _must_ be tired, you should eat with us and sleep in
the guest room tonight."

   Ranma blinked, backing away from Kasumi and frantically waving her hands,
"Ahhh ... of course, Kasumi-san, whatever you say. I'll just go into the
Dojo and, ahh, maintain my equipment, yes?" Grabbing a confused and yakuta-
clad Akane by the shoulder, Ranma hastily retreated from the main house to
the Dojo.

   "Geeze! Your sister is _scary_ when she's like that!" Ranma peeked
cautiously around the edge of the Dojo door. "Anyway, I'm serious, Acchan,
you need to go get your stuff and get it back in order right now, before
you forget and then don't have it next time."

    This is unsupported... there has been no foreshadowing and no explanation of
why Ranma would suddenly be intimidated by Kasumi's firmness.  This is an example
of concern for another's welfare; I'd think that Ranma would be more amused than
nervous!

    (snip)

   Ranma stood up and gingerly took the sword away, laying it flat on the
portable table she was using to hold her cleaning gear. "Taiken. It's a
taiken." She withdrew the sword from its scabbard and turned it over and
around in her hands. It was slightly longer than a katana, straight bladed
and double-edged, but still chisel-pointed. It was made of a dull, gray
steel, better polished in the middle of the blade, which sank into a
blood-groove accented by the yakiba-mon, the wavy pattern that indicates the
different steel composition used in the edge of a blade.

    I'm confused by the description of the sword.  Japanese blades tend to be
single edged or only sharpened a short distance along the back from the point;
it's a product of the way they are forged.  If a Katana style sword was double
edged, it would lose the flexibility of the softer metal back spine used to give
it toughness.  If a Japanese blade wasn't of composite materials, it would be
rather brittle due to the extreme hardness folding the steel and the extra edge
tempering brings about.  Also, are you basing this more on the ancient pattern of
Ken brought from China, or the later pattern the Japanese developed themselves
that evolved into the Tachi and Katana styles?  If it's a Ken pattern, it wouldn't
have a chisel point.

   It was elaborately hilted in black, non-reflective steel, a two-handed,
wire-wrapped grip rising from a heavy thorn pommel to a wide crossbar that
flared out into hilt-loops to protect its wielder's fingers as they might
be looped over the hilt. The side-bars of the hilt flared out into an
almost-basket that provided a fair amount of protection to the upper hand
of a wielder, and even a casual inspection woke amazement at the
magnificent balance and liveliness of the cold, gray steel. "It's a _good_
taiken."

    Also, the guard mentioned here is a very European style.  I've never heard of
a Japanese blade with anything that elaborate.  That because Kendo and the combat
styles Kendo is based on are _not_ fencing.  They tend to emphasize "one hit, one
kill" rather than the exchange of blows in fencing that brought about full
coverage hand guards.  Even European blades used in war tended towards simple
hilts and guards, because if you had to face a single opponent long enough for a
hand guard to be needed, someone else was probably going to bushwhack you from
behind in the melee.  The Scottish Broadsword, which did have an elaborate hand
guard, was more of an exception, not the rule.

   Ranma withdrew a small tool from jacket-space and placed the blade on the
table, beginning to disassemble its hilt.

    Tachi and Katana blades are held in place by a simple bamboo pin through the
hilt.  Dismounting one is a matter of just knocking the pin out and then tapping
the butt of the hilt against the floor or your other hand to loosen the blade.
The pin is usually covered by the Menuki to prevent it from coming loose
accidentally, and the Menuki are held in place by the silk wrapping cord that is
wound over the Same, the sharkskin that covers the actual wooden hilt.  In other
words, no special tools are required.  Ranma should be able to disassemble the
sword with a chopstick, or the split side blade he would carry in the scabbard of
his own sword that was often used as field chopsticks.

   Akane took the sword silently and stood, momentarily at a loss, as Ranma
took up the ill-fitting scabbard and began preparations to modify it to
properly receive its new resident.

    Ill-fitting wouldn't be the word.  Japanese sheaths are CUSTOM FITTED to the
blade they are intended to hold.  Akane wouldn't have been able to get a straight
bladed sword into it any more than you can fit a square peg in a round hole.

   Right hand highest on the hilt (a voice whispered, "One hand only girl,
until you apply force to the cut, keep your other hand free. And put a finger
over the hilt, it increases control, and the hilt-loops will guard it."),

    A European way of holding a sword.  That style of grip is foreign to Japanese
thinking.  They design the Tsuba in such a way that it would be impossibly
awkward.  This sword obviously is a blend of European and Asian styles, so you
should say so up front.  (Woof.  Am I getting too picky about the details?  Comes
of being an historical weapons buff.)

    (Lots of snipping.  I can't fault the effectiveness of your battle
descriptions at all!)

    (even more snipping...)

To summarize the summary of the summary: people are a problem.

    In summary: a very long-winded psychoanalysis, but I loved it.

   And also why, when Ranma knelt on the bed and drew Akane up into a
reverse embrace, so that Akane was sitting in front of Ranma with Ranma's
arms folded beneath her breasts and the top of her head beneath Ranma's
chin, and said, "Maybe I can teach you a technique to help. Do you
trust me?" Akane just said "Yes," instead of "With my honor, my life and
my soul. And, incidentally, if you wanted to move your hands up a bit I'd
be perfectly happy to trust you with my body, too." And Ranma, of course,
missed that, as well.

   Even world class martial artists, gifted with the perception to track
another person's motives and intentions in the heat of mortal combat
have their occasional off days. Which is a shame, it's true. But it just
isn't time for this story to go lemon yet.

    ROTFL!

    (So much snipping you'd think I was a Rabbi)

   Quickly dressing, she picked Isileth from the stand on her dresser
and slipped her in her jacket.

    How long IS this sword?  How big is that _jacket_??

   Nabiki woke up discontented. She had pinned some hopes on the night
before, but her surveillance activities had come up empty. She was _sure_
that Ranma and her sister were lovers, but she had not achieved her
lofty reputation as a manipulator of events by acting ahead of _certain_
knowledge.

    This is the section I was thinking of when, earlier, I noted that Nabiki's
reference to Ranma as Akane's lover was a bit premature.  She DOESN'T know for
certain, so there is no reason for her to mentally tag them as such.

The remedy for the lack of which had seemed simple, too; lovers
will tend to cling to one another in times of stress, and yesterday's
activities _should_ have provided _plenty_ of stress, which _should_ have
expressed themselves nicely last night.

   But except for Ranma doing some sort of meditation thingy to help
Akane sleep, _nothing had happened_. It was annoying, was what it was.

    (Wholesale snipping)

------------------------------------------------------------------------

   The thing that Akane was most aware of as breakfast continued was
hunger; a great, growing void in her stomach that the food Kasumi had
brought to table, double-sized though it was,

    The food is double sized?  What did she use, ostrich eggs?

barely dented. Ranma,
however, put a surreptitious hand on her shoulder when she would have
asked Kasumi for more food, indicating that she should keep silence.

   Once outside the Dojo on the road to Furinkan, Ranma led Akane and Nabiki
to a small side-street off the Nerima Ginza, wherein they found what
Nabiki immediately dubbed "the perfect hole-in-the-wall dive". It was
a very small restaurant, without even a window onto the street. The door
itself hardly advertised it's status as a place of business; much more
resembling a service entrance for some greater establishment, except for
the small sign whereon resided the single word, "Gally's".

   The inside of the restaurant was clean and neat, if small and dark. It
was dominated by the enormous grill that swept across the back wall and
left only a little space into which a counter with ten stools and half a
dozen small tables had been crammed. There were no customers, and the
only occupant, who was evidently the cook, looked up at them with an
expression of professional cheer that lasted only a few seconds.

    It seems that Gally genuinely likes Ranma as this scene progresses, so you
might want to make it clear that it is "professional cheer" that she is dropping,
only to replace it with real enthusiasm.  Say... does she use Damascus steel arm
blades as spatulas?

   Gally, if it were she, was a short, elfin girl with straight black
hair that barely reached her shoulders. She possessed the grace of a
martial artist in full measure and was almost superhumanly fast

    Or is that inhumanly? ;-)

and deft.
Her only unusual features were the black lines beneath her eyes, but
both Akane and Nabiki received a clear impression of hidden depths, as
though beneath her unmarked arms and perfect skin a whole collection of
scars lurked unseen, yet not unfelt.



   "Be nice, Ranma-kun. So I like moving fast and blowing things up good.

    Actually, the Ghost buster said "blow it up _real_ good" if I remember
correctly... but that was a while ago, so my memory may be faulty.

Is that any reason for you to be mean to me?" Ranma smirked. "Oh! That
reminds me," Gally continued, "Hugo and Ido have joined a motor club at
NIT. Would you come out to the races with us?"

    (And the Vorpal Sword went snip-per snap)

   The room was mostly dark, if you didn't count the TV. Normally, Sayuri
was as capable of vegging out as any teenager,

    It's probably "veging".  Double "g's" would rhyme with "begging".  Hard to
say, since it's a slang term and has no official spelling.

   Sayuri leaned back in her bed and watched the television's flickering
glow for a few moments, then slung her feet over the edge of the bed and
found a spare gown. This she put on over her original gown, but backwards,
and topped off with a towel from the bathroom. Then she opened the door
and went out into the corridors. It was either that, or another dubbed
episode of Wheel of Fortune.

    Why the towel?  Having been in that situation myself, just having a second
gown to wear backwards over the first eases the embarrassment (em-bare-ass-ment?),
especially for a girl since it would essentially make for a very ugly dress.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

   The school-yard before first bell was a hotbed of rumor and speculation.
The only sure information was that Sayuri had come out of her coma at
last and that Ranma had had something to do with it. Persistent rumor
whispered Akane's name as well; said that she had died curing Sayuri's
illness; said that _Ranma_ had died curing Sayuri's illness; said that
Ranma and Akane had died _together_, and in each other's arms; said that
the "in each other's arms" part was right but that they were still
quite alive, thank you (nudge, nudge, wink, wink, etc.); denied all of
the above for the thought that Sayuri's "illness" had been induced by
The Forces Of Darkness, who had finally been defeated by Magical Girl
Ranma and her apprentice; and threw around other thoughts, some of which
were very strange and inaccurate indeed. The absence of Furinkan's normal
source of rumors and hearsay, Tendo Nabiki, did nothing but add fuel to
the fire.

    And Nabiki's presence wouldn't add even MORE fuel to the flames?  With her
fanning them mightily?

   Ranma and Akane entered the schoolyard to a wall of stunned silence.
Akane almost blushed, but Ranma smiled broadly and spread her arms wide
and the walls of Furinkan picked up her shouted "Good Morning, Furinkan!"
and blurred it back into a roaring cheer.

    Oh, and now we delve into Robins singing in French Indochina, eh?

    Love the story.  It does get a bit long-winded at points, especially in some
of the previous chapters where you go into technical explanations of chi
manipulation, but overall it's fascinating.  I look forward to more!

Ja ne,
Larry F