> "Yes, but Kasumi's a lot better at it than a kawaikunee
     >macho tomboy like you."
     >
     > They laughed, and left.
     >
     > "Should have been mine."
     >
     > "Perhaps. Give her what she's due."
     >
     > "Moron. I like him."
     >
     > "I'm glad."


     The last part of this scene is confusing. I have no idea who these
     four/two speakers are. They don't sound like Ranma/Akane. They are
     probably the girl and woman described earlier, but it's not clear.

The ambiguity is purposeful. Stick around to the end of the sreies and all
shall be made clear.

I know you don't want to reveal who they are (heck I've been hiding
Akane's current husband in CMD for 13 chapters so far), but just having
some way to indicate it's not Ranma and Akane speaking (since they were
the last people mentioned) would be useful to avoid confusing the reader.
Something like:

Two figures watched Ranma and Akane walk away. "Should have been mine."

     During this exchange I lost track of who was saying what to whom...
     might
     want to put a few names and desciptions in...

     For instance:

     Nodoka's adorable smile quickly...

Well... I sort of figured that Genma wouldn't be assumed to have an
adorable smile.

Nodoka might disagree with you :)

     > "These are for you. I, ah, er, I hope you, ah...."
     >
     > He proceeded to destroy the flowers and half crush the
     >box of candy in the process of handing them to her. Then he
     >tripped. Then he knocked over the table vase.

     Oh my god! Dr. Tofu is Soun's illigitamate son! This seems a bit out
of character for Soun... even a young one.

Soun's a bit overemotional; something he never completely grows out of.

Overemotional... which usually manifests itself as crying and fits of
anger. Him awkwardly tearing up flowers in nervousness doesn't quite feel
like him.


-=-
Jim Lazar

E-Mail - mailto:jimlazar@earthlink.net
FanFiction - http://home.earthlink.net/~jimlazar/anime
-=-
   "Unit 01, Angel at eleven o'clock."
   "But it's only seven o'clock," Shinji quipped.
   The computer-controlled voice didn't find Shinji's joke funny, so the
AI program inserted ten Angels around Shinji's Unit 01. It didn't take
long for his Eva to be reduced to a pile of scrap metal and flesh.
-=-
Excerpt from Garden of EVA 0:3