Warning: Liberal snippage present.

Jed Bidwell wrote:

Ranma 1/2 is the property of Rumiko Takahashi and whoever else has the
rights to it.

Jet Moto is the property of..well... whichever company designed and
published it.

Ranma and Jet Moto are used without permission.

=========================================================

                 The sun struggled to shine through the thick, gray-black
clouds. The stadium was easily capable of accommodating nine thousand
people, but at present only two thousand were there. The people were
gathered there that day to witness what was quite possibly the most popular
sport in the world -- Jet Moto.

I think we double-tabbed on this first paragraph.
 
If it's the most popular sport in the world, why such a lousy
attendence? You state later in the fic that the race circuit we are
about to watch is a minor one, but seemingly contradicting yourself in
the first paragraph is not a good way to start the fic.

        The human race had seen several advances in the first fifteen years of the
twenty-first century. Many technological, medical, and military advances had
improved the lives of countless people. As technology improved, most sports
of the twentieth century became obsolete. The public demanded a sport with
greater challenges, a better rush, and above all, more risk. Jet Moto fit
the bill.

You might want to say that "Jet Moto met that demand." instead.

<snip>
 

        She was not only the lead pilot for the team, but the only one. Nabiki

Perhaps "but also the only pilot."

never liked the sport itself, preferring the financial end. Kasumi wasn't
much of a pilot, either. However, she was a trained paramedic, and possibly
the best damn mechanic on the circuit. That left Akane to shoulder the
burden of racing alone.

This might sound a bit anal, but approach the introduction of Akane's
sisters as if the reader doesn't know who they are. In an alternate
universe as far out as this one, you shouldn't go assuming too much.
 
<snip>

        She looked over at her Moto, a black streamlined affair that resembled a
hovering motorcycle. 

Since that is what it was... :p

<snip>

        She wore blue coveralls, stained with grease and assorted other mechanical

"other assorted"

lubricants. The team logo was emblazoned on the back, a dragon winding
around an upward-pointing fist. Her chestnut hair was pulled up under her
cap, with a few stray locks hanging around her head and face. Kasumi was
always tinkering with Motos, fixing one problem or another. She always
insisted on keeping the complex machines running in top condition. 

A not unreasonable desire, considering that they won't win otherwise...

Kasumi
also insisted on trying new techniques to squeeze a little more speed from
the engines. Akane smiled at her sister's kneeling form.

        "Akane Tendo! Your one true love has come for thee!" Her smile vanished at
the sound of that booming voice. Without turning, she snarled,

This was a very awkward introduction. All that narrative about Kasumi,
and all of a sudden Tatewaki Kuno is the one speaking? You need a bit
more lead-in for him here.

<snip>

        "Stow it, Kuno." Akane said as she turned to face him. "I'm in no mood."

"I'm not in the mood."
 

        It wasn't that he was unattractive. He was tall for a Japanese, reaching
nearly six feet. 

Stick with one system of measurement. You were using the metric system a
minute ago.

<snip>

        "OUT, Kuno!" Akane shouted. She was already tired of his delusions of
samurai granger, and he had only been in the room for forty seconds. Kuno
stiffened, and said,

"grandieur"

<snip>
 

        Her Moto was a heavy model. What she lost in acceleration and agility, she
gained in more stability and a higher top speed. She could usually knock
lighter bikes off-balance easily, a tactic which fit in nicely with her
aggressive style of racing.

Much to the enjoyment of the bloodthirsty fans...

<snip> 

        The beginning of the fourth lap, and the track looked more or less clear

"It was the beginning..."

ahead of her. Behind, though was a different story. She saw that same guy
riding her ass again. This time, though, he was much closer and still
gaining ground.

axe the 'though' in the first sentence and substitute 'her'

<snip>

        Nerima was a beautiful place, once. The houses were once inhabited by
people other than squatters, roaches, and rats. The walls were once clean,
without a trace of grafitti, and the streets were not strewn with garbage.
However, Nerima Ward was a damned eyesore, now.

Speaking of which, you need to spray for 'once' in this paragraph.
 

        The drizzle just hung in the air like a veil, giving everything around a

axe the 'just'

<snip>

        The garage was clean, as far as garages went. The tools were all organized
on the wall racks and in the toolboxes, and the floor was clean, aside from
the oil and other fluid stains. Spare Moto parts, most still in their
original packages, lined one of the walls. Junk parts were stacked in a pile
near the recycling bin.

Gasp! Kasumi allows oil stains?!
 

        In the center of the room, a Moto sat with one of its side panels removed.
It's powerful engines were exposed to the brown-haired woman kneeling in

'Its'

<snip>

        The house proper was done in a traditional Japanese style. Sliding doors,
tatami mats, low tables, the whole shebang. Soun and his two daughters sat
in the dining room. While Kasumi (who was somewhat cleaner than she was in
the garage), and Nabiki waited for his big announcment, Soun was trying to
gauge just how much to tell them. Kasumi, bless her, would just smile and
bear it. Nabiki, well, would try to find the monetary worth of it. Akane,
though, would probably be glad to hear the news.

'Nabiki, well, she would...'

<snip> 

        //So THIS is the Tendo Moto Training Complex.\\ thought Ranma as he walked

comma instead of a period.

<snip>

        The complex itself was rather small. A house in the traditional style that
connected to a garage, what looked like a gym, and a holo-chamber. Ranma
didn't really care for holo-chambers, preferring instead training out in

'instead to train out in...'

<snip>
 

        "I'm Soun Tendo." the man replied, tears streaming down his face. These are
my daughters, Kasumi and Nabiki." he finished, indicating the two in order.

comma after Nabiki

<snip>
 

        Akane had been fuming since the race ended. She couldn't BELIEVE she'd lost
to some non-affiliated HACK! Nabiki would no doubt chew her out for losing.
A thrity thousand yen purse could go a long way, as nabiki would be certain

'thirty' 

30,000 Yen? That's like $300. They'd make more by racing for pink-slips
and selling off their prizes. Hell, they probably blow that much in
maintenance every week.

<snip>

        Akane squealed with delight, embracing him feircely. The air in Soun's

'fiercely'

lungs came out in a WHOOSH as Akane's strong arms gripped him an what felt

'in' instead of 'an'

A good begining, and even better in an alternate universe fic, you kept
the characters true to themselves.

Jamie
-- 
       "Why are they wearing bras?"
          -Rachel Wilde, age 4,
while watching the Dirty *ahem* Lovely Angels...
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