Featuring characters from the following series (not all are
present yet.)
The X-Files, The Young Ones, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the
Galaxy, Doctor Who, Tenchi Muyo, Max Headroom, Lexx, and
Star Trek: The Original Series
=============================================================
1. INT. SHOT. FORENSICS LAB 4:45PM.
MED. SHOT OF DANA SCULLY AND VYVYAN STANDING OVER A
BODY. THERE IS A DUFFEL BAG BY VYVYAN.
SCULLY:
Now, I take the scalpel like so, and
make a small incision here, like so.
We watch SCULLY MAKE AN INCISION IN THE CORPSE'S ARM. She is
very careful and precise in doing so.
SCULLY:
Now, let's see you do it.
We watch VYVYAN REACH INTO HIS DUFFEL BAG and PULL OUT A
CHAIN SAW.
SCULLY's eyes widen.
As we continue to watch, VYVYAN LEANS OVER TO HOLD DOWN THE
BODY and MAKES A CUT WITH HIS CHAIN SAW. When he STANDS UP,
however, we see he is MISSING ONE ARM.
VYVYAN:
Oh dear. Wrong arm. Um, would you
happen to have a band-aid?
**************************************************************
2. EXT. SHOT. A CLEARING IN THE WOODS.
LONG SHOT. THE CLEARING IS EMPTY.
As we watch, a DRAIN APPEARS out of nowhere. VERY RAPIDLY, A
CONICAL BATHTUB SPIRALS up OUT OF THE DRAIN in a most
improbable manner. In the CONICAL BATHTUB we find FORD
PREFECT with his SATCHEL draped over the side of the
tub. FORD is SINGING.
FORD:
(singing)
Za! Za! Za heemooo...(1)
FORD STOPS SINGING
and PULLS his TOWEL
from his SATCHEL
FORD:
Hey! This isn't the bathroom!
FORD GETS DRESSED.
MULDER(OS):
Interesting place for a bath.
WE FOLLOW FORD'S GAZE as
he TURNS to face FOX MULDER
who has just arrived having
heard a strange noise.
FORD:
How long have you been here?
MULDER:
I just arrived. I heard a strange
noise.
FORD:
A strange noise?
MULDER:
Yes, it sounded like...
MULDER DOES an IMPRESSION
of the SOUND OF a CONICAL
BATHTUB RAPIDLY SPIRALLING
UP OUT OF its OWN DRAIN.
FORD:
Well, I didn't hear anything
like that.
MULDER:
I see.
MULDER PULLS OUT his
ID and SHOWS IT to
FORD PREFECT
MULDER:
Fox Mulder. FBI. I'd like to
ask you a few question.
FORD:
Go right ahead. But not here.
Why don't we head on over to
the pub? I must be running low.
I'm starting to see FBI agents
instead of purple turtles...
MULDER NODS.
FORD and MULDER WALK
OFF-CAMERA
***************************************************************
3. EXT. SHOT
SAME CLEARING, TWO MINUTES LATER. MEDIUM SHOT.
As we watch, CAPTAIN KIRK and MR. SPOCK are BEAMED
DOWN.
SPOCK GOES OVER TO the
CONICAL TUB.
KIRK REMAINS WHERE HE IS
SPOCK EXAMINES the CONICAL
BATHTUB with his TRICORDER.
SPOCK:
Fascinating. It appears to
be a bathtub.
KIRK:
Your powers of observation never
cease to amaze me, Mr. Spock.
SPOCK GIVES A LITTLE
NOD.
SPOCK:
Why thank you, Captain.
KIRK SCOWLS.
SPOCK:
Most curious.
KIRK JOINS SPOCK at
the CONICAL TUB.
KIRK:
What is it, Spock?
SPOCK:
This tub has been subected
to a power source that I am
not familiar with.
KIRK has a LOOK of
MOCK-AMAZEMENT on
his face.
KIRK:
You can't figure it out?
This bathtub must have an
extraodinary power supply.
SPOCK is now SCANNING
the OUTSIDE of the tub
with his TRICORDER
SPOCK:
I do not believe this bath
has what you would call a
power supply. It appears to
have been propelled her by
some means unknown to us.
SPOCK FINDS FORD'S
FOOTPRINTS FIRST, then
he FINDS MULDER'S
SPOCK:
Curious. There are two sets
of footprints here. However
only one set is travelling
in two directions. Apparently
whoever made the other set
must have arrived here in the
bath.
KIRK:
Well, Mr. Spock, you have to
admit it is a relaxing way
to travel.
SPOCK:
I strongly doubt Starfleet
Command will be switching
to Bathtub Class any time
soon.
KIRK:
Stranger things have happened
Mr. Spock.
SPOCK:
Such as.
KIRK get a BEMUSED
LOOK on his FACE.
KIRK:
That's odd. I can't think of any.
ZAPHOD(OS):
How about talking monkeys?
KIRK and SPOCK TURN.
KIRK's JAW DROPS OPEN
and his EYES GO WIDE.
SPOCK RAISES an EYEBROW
and TILTS HIS HEAD in a
QUIZZICAL MANNER.
SPOCK:
If you are referring to Captan
Kirk and myself, then you are
only half correct as I did not
evolve from the simian life on
this planet.
KIRK:
Gee, thanks, Spock.
KIRK TURNS to ADDRESS
ZAPHOD.
KIRK:
Mister...
ZAPHOD:
Beeblebrox. Zaphod Beeblebrox.
KIRK:
Mr. Beeblebrox. Can you explain
to me just how this bathtub got
in this field?
ZAPHOD BANGS his
HEADS TOGETHER.
ZAPHOD:
Sheesh, haven't you guys heard of
the Infinite Improbability Drive
yet? You know you are so incredibly
unhoopy.
KIRK and SPOCK
TRADE LOOKS
KIRK:
Infinite Improbability Drive?
SPOCK:
I presume you're referring to a
device which generates an improbability
field which in turn causes improbable
events to occur.
ZAPHOD NODS
KIRK:
And what happens at Infinite
Improbability level?
ZAPHOD:
The ship passes through every
point of every universe
simultaneously.
KIRK:
So all you need to do is pick
out your re-entry point.
SPOCK:
I assume the bath was the result
of one of the finite improbability
generations produced as the ship
slowed to what I shall refer to as
Normality Speed?
ZAPHOD:
Yep. Hey, why don't we contninue
this little chat at the pub. My
semi-cousin probably went there.
SPOCK:
I assume your semi-cousin enjoys
consuming alcoholic beverages.
ZAPHOD
He sure does. Come on, I need a
drink. Two actually.
ZAPHOD PUTS his
THREE ARMS around
KIRK and SPOCK and
LEADS them OFF_CAMERA
***********************************************************
4. EXT
A DARK ALLEY. 11:39 PM
MED TO LONG SHOT of
OPERATIVE A LEANING on
a WALL. OPERATIVE A is
IN DISGUISE and WEARING
a TRENCHCOAT and FEDORA.
MULDER WALKS BY the
ALLEY with FORD.
FORD:
Are you sure there's a pub
here?
MULDER:
Just up the road a ways.
OPERATIVE A STEPS OUT
of the ALLEY and FOLLOWS
FORD and MULDER.
***********************************************************
5. INT. SHOT. A PUB
We are in A PUB. As we watch FORD and MULDER WALK IN
and SIT at the BAR. A few moments later, OPERATIVE-A
WALKS IN and SITS in a BOOTH
FORD:
Bartender!
FORD RAISES HIS HAND
and WHISTLES.
BARTENDER is POURING
DRINKS from the TAP.
BARTENDER:
Good evening, gentlemen.
How may I help you?
FORD:
I'll have a gin and tonic.
MULDER:
Ginger Ale.
BARTENDER:
Designated driver?
MULDER:
Actually, we walked.
BARTENDENDER MAKES
and SERVES FORD'S
and MULDER'S DRINKS
FORD RAISES HIS GLASS
FORD:
TO TOWELS!
FORD MAKES a TOASTING
MOTION with his DRINK
and then SWALLOWS the
WHOLE DRINK in one GULP.
A WAITRESS GOES OVER to
OPERATIVE-A'S TABLE.
WAITRESS
What would you like?
OPERATIVE A LOOKS UP.
OPERATIVE A:
What would you suggest?
WAITRESS LOOKS CAREFULLY
AT OPERATIVE A
WAITRESS:
For you? I'd suggest a
vodka martini...shaken
not stirred.
OPERATIVE A:
Hmm. Okay, I'll try
one of those
WAITRESS LEAVES
the TABLE to GET
the DRINK.
OPERATIVE A CALLS
the WAITRESS BACK.
The WAITRESS RETURNS
to OPERATIVE A'S TABLE.
OPERATIVE A HANDS the
WAITRESS A FOLDED PIECE
of PAPER and POINTS to
MULDER.
OPERATIVE A:
Give this message
to that man over there.
WAITRESS TAKES the
MESSAGE to MULDER.
OPERATIVE A(OS)
LEAVES the PUB at
the SAME TIME.
WAITRESS:
The gentleman over
there wanted me to
give this to you.
MULDER LOOKS at the
NOW EMPTY BOOTH.
MULDER:
Uh, which gentleman
are you referring to?
WAITRESS LOOKS at the
EMPTY BOOTH.
WAITRESS:
Odd. He was there a
moment ago.
LONG SHOT of DOOR as
IT CLICKS SHUT.
**********************************************************
6. INT. SHOT. FORENSICS LAB MANY HOURS LATER.
We are back in the FORENSICS LAB with SCULLY and VYV.
VYV MIRACULOUSLY HAS BOTH OF HIS ARMS ATTACHED NOW.
THERE is a PILE of SEVERED LIMBS NEXT TO VYV and another
pile of CONFISCATED CUTTING TOOLS NEXT TO SCULLY.
SCULLY:
Okay. Let's try it again.
This time with a *scalpel"
VYV SMACKS his
FOREHEAD.
VYV:
Oh, is that what scalpels
are for? I thought they were
for cutting meat into really
thin slices.
MAX HEADROOM(OS):
Yes! Yes! Its the all new
Zik Zak kitchen scalpel!
VYV and SCULLY
TURN and SEE MAX
HEADROOM on a
SECURITY MONITOR
SCULLY:
Who are you?
MAX HEADROOM
MOVES SPORADICALLY
around the SCREEN
MAX HEADROOM:
Hi! I'm Max Max Max
Headroom. Coming to-to
you live and direct
on Network 23!
VYV:
Uh... you're created by
a computer, right?
MAX:
Mm HMMM.
VYV RAISES a FINGER
LIKE A LECTURER
VYV:
Then how can you be *live*
and direct?
MAX GETS a PUZZLED
LOOK on his FACE. HE
LEAVES the SCREEN,
presumably to GO and
THINK ABOUT THIS.
SCULLY:
Okay, let's try it again.
CUT TO JERSEY BILOWSKI, STANDING
ALONE in his USUAL HAT AND SUIT
in the HALL outside the LAB.
JERSEY:
You know, that lad in there.
Bloody brilliant. Oh yeah. Just
the other day, I asked him "Where's
my hat, on account of the fact
that I couldn't find it. And he says on
top of my bloody head.
(beat)
He was bloomin' right, ya know! Well...
back to the action...
CUT BACK to SCULLY and VYV.
SCULLY'S CELLPHONE RINGS
SCULLY PICKS UP the
CELLPHONE
SCULLY:
Hello?
(beat)
Mulder where...
(beat)
What are
you doing in the pub?
(beat)
Hold on
SCULLY CHECKS a
FEW DATABASES.
SCULLY:
Mulder?
(beat)
Yeah.
(beat)
No, we don't have any agents
in the field that our
investigations would put in
serious risk.
(beat)
Look, Mulder why don't you
track down this guy.
SCULLY GETS a
STRANGE LOOK on
HER FACE
SCULLY:
We *ARE* the FBI!
SCULLY HANGS UP.
SCULLY GETS ANOTHER
DEAD BODY and REMOVES
the SHEET FROM IT'S
FACE. THE CORPSE is a
YOUNG MAN with a VERY
STRANGE HAIRSTYLE.
VYV PICKS UP a
CHAINSAW and CUTS OFF
THE CORPSE'S ARM.
THE CORPSE GRABS VYV
WITH HIS REMAINING ARM.
VYV THROWS the CHAINSAW
BACK over his HEAD when
he THROWS UP his ARMS in
SHOCK.
SCULLY DUCKS
THE CORPSE STANDS UP,
PICKS UP his SEVERED ARM
AND HOLDS it to the STUMP
which it RE-FUSES to.
THE CORPSE FLEXES HIS ARM.
KAI:
Ah. Much better.
SCULLY:
Who are you?
KAI:
I am Kai. Last of the
Brunnen-G.
SCULLY:
The Brunnen-G? What
are you talking about?
KAI:
Many millenia ago, my
race, the Brunnen-G,
helped mankind battle
and insect civilization
which came, like ourselves,
from the Dark Zone.
SCULLY GETS a LOOK of
REALIZATION.
SCULLY:
The bees.
KAI:
Bees?
SCULLY NODS.
SCULLY:
A huge black swarm
KAI LOOKS very
BITTER
KAI:
His Shadow.
**************************************************************
7. EXT. CLEARING
As we watch, WASHU, TENCHI, RYOKO, AYEKA, MIHOSHI, RYO-OHKI
and SASAMI arrive.
MIHOSHI is TEARY-EYED and
FRETFUL.
RYO-OHKI is SITTING ON
SASAMI'S HEAD
RYOKO is STANDING RIGHT
NEXT to TENCHI WITH HER
HEAD ON HIS SHOULDER.
AYEKA is GLARING at
RYOKO.
TENCHI:
Well. We made it, I guess.
RYOKO:
What are we doing here?
WASHU'S VOICE
and MANNERISMS
TAKE ON a quality
similar to those of
an OVERZEALOUS
LECTURER.
WASHU:
I recently began picking up
a series of temporal
misalignments coming from this
field. If left uncorrected, they
could cause a terrible
catastrophe that could devestate
every universe that ever existed.
EVERYONE ELSE GAWKS
CONFUSEDLY at WASHU
WASHU'S SPEECH BECOMES
MORE RELAXED and her
MANNERISMS BECOME CASUAL
WASHU:
Or it might just cause Disco
to make a comeback.
MIHOSHI LOOKS
VERY CONFUSED.
MIHOSHI:
But Disco *is* making a comeback!
WASHU LOOKS at
MIHOSHI in
MOCK HORROR.
WASHU:
Damn! We're too late!
AYEKA SPOTS the
CONICAL BATHTUB.
AYEKA
Excuse me? Little Washu?
WASHU TURNS
AYEKA:
I was just wondering why there
is a very oddly shaped bathtub
here.