PUT OUT YOUR TORCHES
(And stumble blindly around the castle.)
Fantasy realms aren't like they're supposed to be....

Here we go again with the second part of A-kun's fic. I know, it's been
a long time since I released part one, but what can I say? I'm lazy.
Hopefully I'll get my act together and put these out faster. If didn't 
see or don't remember part 1, look at 
www.geocities.com/tokyo/island/3968/MSTings.html.
But I digress. So, without further ado...

THE DUNGEON
	Orin, Dalla, and Karas sat around their crude table, discussing
how they had made enemies of Notros Blackstar.
	"We had been rivals ever since our early days in the academy."
said Karas. "It all came to a head during our senior year, when Notros
animated a golem to try to overthrow the Board of Deans. An attempt I 
managed to stop with a well-placed fireball. He really should have 
known better than to construct a wood golem from stolen kindling."
	"He tried to mind-control me and a couple of friends into 
creating weapons for him." said Orin. "I was the first one to shake it
off, and when I did, I caught the little bugger by suprise and 
introduced him to my fist. I hear he couldn't cast spells properly for
three weeks after that."
	There was a short moment of silence, which ended with Orin and
Karas looking expectantly at Dalla.
	"What? You mean you don't already know?" she asked 
incredulously. "Oh, all right. I stole a spellbook from him."
	Karas asked, "That's it?"
	"It wasn't just any spellbook, I'll have you know!" Dalla 
replied indignantly. "It was this big scary-lookin' thing, with a big 
long name. Nooky.... no....Neuter....no.....Necro....something."
	Karas gulped audibly. "Necronomicon?"
	Dalla nodded. "That's the one. Hey, you OK, Karas? You look
kinda pale..."
	"What did you do with it?" Karas croaked, almost inaudibly.
	"I sold it to some guy for forty gold pieces. It was the 
wierdest thing, too. I could've sworn that street ended in a dead end
instead of a magic shop-" Dalla's account was cut short as Karas fell 
out of his chair. "What I say?" She asked Orin, who shrugged.
	"Much as I hate to interrupt this scintillating conversation,"
Notros said, his image appearing in the mirror, "The next part of the
fanfic will be ready for viewing momentarily. Believe me, you will not
be as confident in your abilities to withstand bad literature after 
this."
	"That remains to be seen." said Karas, rousing himself from his
position on the floor. The image of Notros simply sneered and vanished.
	"Pompous windbag." Orin said, helping Karas to his feet. "When 
I get out of here, I'll show him a thing or two." At that point, The 
runes around the hallway entrance began to glow.
	"The chamber awaits!" cried Dalla.

(Scene: The viewing chamber. A large crystal sphere with three seats in
front of it, each made to accomodate the size of it's occupant. KARAS,
ORIN, and DALLA enter and take their seats.) 
Ranma 1/2
Chapter 2
"What The...."
[ORIN: ....Hell was I on when I wrote this fic?]

        Orion awoke on a grassy plain.  Noticing that this wasn't the 
univerisity, he looked around frantically, trying to gather enough 
information to figure out what had happened.
[KARAS: He landed in an abysmal fanfic, I thought that'd be obvious.]
  He saw a farm in the 
distance.  He decided that he couldn't do anything just standing 
around,
[DALLA: You can do plenty of stuff just standing around, but it won't 
help you.
KARAS: Nothing short of extensive brain surgery could help this guy.]
 he started walking towards the farm.  As he got closer to the 
farm, he noticed a band of rogues roughing up the farmer.
        He ran towards the group.  When he was within ten feet, he 
stopped and yelled.  *"Leave him alone."* Orion said, menacingly.
[ORIN: I find it hard to believe that this guy could do anything 
menacingly.]
        The rogue leader stopped and stared at him, obviously trying to
figure out what Orion had just said.
  The rogue leader decided that 
Orion had insulted him and attacked.
[KARAS: You may begin your attack run, Rogue Leader.
ORIN: KICK HIS ASS, ROGUE LEADER!]
        Orion smiled as the rogue leader charged with his sword intent 
on spearing him, Orion slid left and stuck out his foot.  The leader 
was going too fast to stop and tripped over Orion's foot.
[DALLA: What is this, a road-runner cartoon?]
        Orion turned to see the rest of the rogues charging.  Orion 
quickly counted them and found that there were only six lackeys.
[ORIN:(Orion) Six on one, child's play for a scrawny, no-talent, 
terminally ill person such as myself.]
        A single round-house kick hit one into two other lackeys 
sending the three to the ground.
[DALLA: He takes out three guys with one kick? Come on.]
  A fourth lackey caught a fist to the 
face.  A fifth weilding a staff swung at Orion as he ducked, the staff 
caught the sixth lackey in the face.  Orion stood up and  threw a swift 
kick to what would have been the lackey's stomach if the lackey hadn't 
charged.  The kick caught the lackey in the groin, who collapsed.
[KARAS & ORIN:(wincing) OOooooohhhhh.....
DALLA: Wimps.]
  The 
rogue leader was already up as Orion turned around.
        The rogue leader pointed at Orion, the himself, indicating a 
one-on-one fight.  Orion nodded.
[KARAS: That should be "THEN himself."
DALLA: Picky, picky, picky.]
        The lackeys walked past Orion and stood behind their leader.  
Orion began running as the rogue leader did.  The rogue leader threw a 
series of carefully timed punches, all of which Orion blocked.
[ORIN: Either this guy's hopelessly inept, or...
KARAS: It's bad enough Orion's a loser, but a munchkin too? Sheesh.]  
*"Branch fist!"* Orion yelled, throwing a single punch.  The rogue 
leader collapsed.
[ORIN: "Branch Fist?"
DALLA:(Orion) Behold my invincible style, MARTIAL ARTS TREE SURGERY!]
        The lackeys raced up to their leader.  They looked at Orion, 
disbelieving.  They picked up their leader and ran leaving their 
weapons behind.
        The farmer yelled some chinese insults at them (Author's note: 
I won't even try to translate the words.),
[KARAS: Oh look, another unnecessary Author's Note.
DALLA: I thought we left those behind at the beginning of Pt. 1.]
 then turned to Orion and 
started thanking him.  Orion realized he was in China.
[ORIN: The Chinese farmer yelling Chinese insults has finally given him
a clue.]
 He mentally 
thanked his mom for signing him up for chinese and japanese language 
classes.
[DALLA: Oh look, a plot contrivance.
ORIN: Let's hope we don't see any more.
(KARAS looks at him.)
ORIN: An obsidiman can dream, can't he?]
        {"Thank you very much."} the farmer said, bowing deeply.  
        Orion noticed that the famer had brown eyes, grey hair, was 
about his height, and worn muscles.
[KARAS: It's always a good idea to wear your muscles.
ORIN: You never know when you might need them.]
  Orion swore that if it weren't for
the hair color, the old farmer would look about in his mid-twenties.
        {"They won't bother you for a very long time."} Orion said 
confidently. The farmer laughed and nodded.
        {"You must be tired and hungry.  Please allow me to properly 
thank you by giving you some dinner, some new clothes, and shelter for 
the night."} the farmer said.  Mentioning food, Orion's stomach 
grumbled, and the mention of new clothes made Orion look down at his 
jumpsuit.
[DALLA:(Orion) Oh my God, IT'S GONE! AAH! AAH! AAH!
(KARAS baps her lightly over the head.)
DALLA: Sorry...]
         The jumpsuit's arms and legs were completely torn up. The 
torso area was some what salvagable, but Orion dismissed the idea.  It 
would just look goofier.  But the one thing that surprised Orion the 
most was that for all the damage on his jumpsuit, he was completely 
uncut.
[KARAS: Too bad.
DALLA: If he had some wounds, he could die of them and end the story.
ORIN: We should be so lucky.]
        A thought popped into the farmer's head, seeing as Orion was 
uncut and he had on strange clothes.  {"You're not a dragon, are you?"} 
the farmer asked worriedly.
[KARAS:(Orion) Yes, I am a legendary being of great power. I enjoy 
masquerading as a half-wit in shredded clothes.]
        {"No, just a lost traveler."} Orion answered.  The farmer 
smiled.  Something about that smile reminded Orion of a certain car 
dealer that had, in thirty minutes, convinced Orion to buy a thirty 
year old station wagon that didn't have an engine or tires.
[KARAS: I reiterate: A half-wit.] 
        That evening, after a lengthy bath, Orion was in a grey shirt 
and black pants.  The shirt and pants looked odd, but nice.  Convincing
the farmer that he had been wandering around the mountains for months, 
Orion learned that the year was roughly one thousand, five hundred 
years in the past, give or take a few years.
[DALLA: Waitaminute, waitaminute, isn't this a Ranma 1/2 story?
KARAS: It's SUPPOSED to be, yes.
DALLA: Then why is he in feudal China?
ORIN: Maybe he'll go to Jusenkyo and fall in Spring of Drowned Fanfic
Ending.
DALLA: We should be so lucky.]
        Orion remembered a crudy show about some guy that went around 
in time, fixing mistakes and then going to some other place and time.
[KARAS: It may have been a CRUDDY show, but I'd still rather be 
watching "Quantum Leap" than this.
ORIN & DALLA: Hear Hear!]  
Orion shuddered at the thought, but dismissed it since no one had come 
to help him.
[KARAS: Which is too bad.
ORIN: This fic needs all the help it can get.]
        As Orion headed down stairs, the farmer told him it was time to 
eat.  {"You'll finally get to meet my little girl, Shana."} the farmer 
said proudly.
[DALLA: Is Shana a Chinese name?
KARAS: Your guess is as good as mine, but I'd bet on "No" judging by 
what we've seen of the author's lack of research.]
        {"Who's Shana...."}  Orion managed to say before a beautiful 
young girl walked in carrying a tray of food.
        {"Father, are you trying to marry me off on another......"}
[DALLA: "Marry me off?"
ORIN: Maybe they're distant ancestors to the Tendos.] 
Shana began.  She was about three inches shorter than Orion, with black
flowing hair, greyish-blue eyes, and a red dress that complimented her 
nicely.
        It was about three seconds after she had entered the room, that
Orion noticed his jaw had dropped.  She stared at him and began to 
blush.
[KARAS: It is springtime, and Love is in the air...
ORIN: I think I'm gonna be sick.]
        {"Daughter, you had better serve that food before it grows to 
cold to eat."} the farmer said abruptly.
        Shana quickly passed out the food.  It was about half a minute 
before Orion spoke.  {"Uh, so.  Um, do...do you have any other 
family?"} Orion said, trying to start up a conversation.
        {"No.  Shana's older sister died a few years ago at Jusenkyo.  
Her mother died when she was just two years of age."} the farmer 
replied.  Orion winced.
[KARAS: Let's hear it for our first real Ranma reference!
ALL:(deadpan) Yaaaaayyyyyy.]
        {"I lost my parents when I was only five. And I no longer have 
many relatives."} Orion said, remembering the pain.
[ORIN: The author's trying to develop more sympathy for Orion.
DALLA: It's not working.]
  [Or friends], 
Orion thought.
[KARAS: You'd probably have more if you weren't such a lamebrain.]
        {"So, you lost your family, too."} Shana said, sadly.
        Seeing both of them in a sad state, the farmer asked Orion 
{"How old are you?"}
        {About eighteen."} Orion said cautiously.
        The farmer nodded and said {"Shana's fifteen.  If you're not 
married, why don't you marry her?"}
[KARAS: Who is this guy, trying to marry off his daughter to a complete
stranger?
ORIN: Maybe he's one of Genma's distant ancestors.]
 (In medival ages and before, It was
standard practice to be married before twenty.  And it was acceptable 
to marry after fourteen.)
[DALLA: Gee, thanks for the history lesson, pally.] 
        Orion turned his head and spat out the water he had been 
drinking.  Orion began coughing forcefully.
        Shana was worried that Orion might choke to death.
[ALL: We should be so lucky.]
  Orion had 
just finished coughing when Shana reached him.  {"Father.  You should 
know that almost every guy does that when they're drinking water.  So, 
why do you keep timing it like that?"} She asked angrily.
        {"Just to see they're reaction."} the farmer said laughing.
[ORIN: I kinda like this old bastard. Kinda makes wonder what he's 
doing in THIS fic.]
        Orion stared at the farmer, then at Shana.  He blushed.  
{"Well, all the other boys around here are scum.  You're the first not 
to propose or try to rape Shana before a single word is said."} the 
farmer declared.
[DALLA: I had no idea men in ancient China were such slime.
KARAS: I don't think the author did, either.]
        {"I'll.....I'll have to think about this.  I mean, this is so 
sudden and I've never really thought marriage for a long time."} Orion 
said.
        
        (Author's note: Caution: Flashback)
[ORIN: Caution?
KARAS: Since when are flashbacks hazardous?
DALLA: Since this guy started writing them.]
        Orion was sitting in front of an altar.  The church he was in 
was empty.  A reverend walked up behind him.  *"I have to say that I 
don't think she's coming."* The reverend said.
        *"I don't understand.  We were in love.  Why didn't she 
come?"* Orion said to no one.  He stood up and left.
        (Author's note: End Flashback)
[KARAS: Is it just me, or is the author dumping tragedy after tragedy 
on this character?
DALLA: In trying to create a character with problems that people would
sympathize with, he created the world's biggest loser.
ORIN: And that may be the saddest thing of all.]
        
        {"I haven't had much luck with weddings either."} Orion told 
them.
        {"Take all the time you need."} the farmer told him. 
        {"Thank you."} Orion replied.
        The next day, Orion walked into the forest to meditate and 
consider the farmer's offer after telling the two what he was going to 
do.
        It was a hard decision.  She was beautiful, but the farmer was 
trying to unload her like unwanted cargo
DALLA: Wow, he noticed that? He usually seems to have a hard time 
noticing the blatantly obvious.
 and he might disrupt the time 
line or something like that.
  But, she was BEAUTIFUL and very open 
minded.
[KARAS: A relationship in which one keeps stressing physical appearance 
is almost always doomed to failure.
DALLA: Sez you.]
  He thought about it, weighing the good and the bad.
        After two days, he had decided.  As he came near the house, 
Shana came up to him and told him {"Father is sick!  Hurry!!"}
[KARAS: What does Orion know about medicine? He tried to treat an ulcer
with radiation, for crying out loud!]
        When they got to the house, the farmer was on a bed.  Orion 
checked his pulse.  The farmer was already cold.  {"How long has he 
been like this?"} he asked Shana.
        {"Not long."} she replied.
        Orion tried CPR for six minutes before he stopped.  The farmer 
was dead.
[ORIN: I knew this would happen. The author didn't even bother to give 
him a name.] 
Shana burst into tears.  Orion shook his head and damned himself for 
not being able to use his abilities.
[KARAS: Abilities? What abilities? Does he have some sort of mystical 
power the author's not telling us about?
DALLA: I certainly hope not. Last thing we need is another munchkin 
character.]
        Later that evening, Orion buried the old farmer and left a 
marker.  That night was unusually quiet.  When Shana woke up the 
following morning, Orion was standing next to her bed.  {"I'm sorry 
about your father.  It's always hard to lose someone you care about."} 
Orion began.
        {"He kept telling me he was dying.  I just never took him 
seriously."} Shana replied.  She sighed.
        {"I did consider his offer.  I went to the nearest village and 
bought this from a merchant."} Orion said holding up a bejeweled 
necklace.
[DALLA: How'd he afford that?]
        Shana took the necklace into her hands and admired it.  Then 
she realized {"The nearest town is two days away."}
        {"I ran."} Orion replied.
[ORIN: Argh! He IS a munchkin!]
        Shana stared at him.
        {"I took a horse."} Orion tried.
        {"We have no horses."} Shana told him.
[ORIN: Oh no, wait, he's just a rotten liar. Whew.]
        {"I bought it from a traveling merchant."} Orion said.
        {"You don't have any money."} Shana countered.
        {"Alright, a band of thieves came by last night, I beat them up
and took it."} Orion confessed.
[KARAS: This farm certainly seems to be popular with the criminal 
element, doesn't it?]
        {"That's better."} Shana replied, returning her attention back 
to the necklace.  She put it on.
        They smiled.  {"And yes, I will marry you."} Shana answered his
question before he could ask it.
[KARAS: I can't believe he's going to marry a girl he just met.
ORIN: At least he won't be sleeping with Nabiki later.]
        {"That's great.  I would hated to get a scar for nothing."} 
Orion told her.
[ORIN:(Orion) Yes, I am macho.
ALL: Yeah right.]
THE END
[ALL:WOOHOO!(They leave.)]
				   ***
THE DUNGEON
	The image of Notros was waiting for them when they emerged from
the Chamber. "Well, well, how are we feeling now?"
	"Aside from the fact that I'm trapped underground and talking 
to you, I feel fine." replied Karas. "How are you?"
	"Nice of you to ask, but it's none of your damn business, 
really." said Orin.
	"This is really pathetic, you know that?" said Dalla. "It's 
gonna take more than this to break our brains, you know."
	Notros' eyes flashed with anger. "Oh, mark my words, my pretty
little thief, you'll see plenty more." With that, his image faded from
the mirror.
	"I'm not sure if it's a wise idea to provoke him like that, 
Dalla." said Karas.
	"Oh, what's he gonna do? Send us more crappy stories? Ooooh, 
I'm really scared." the windling replied mockingly. At that moment, 
some dishes appeared on the table. "Dinner!" cried Dalla, flying over 
to the table and pulling the lid off one of the pots. She immediately 
recoiled at what was inside. "Eeeew, what IS that?"
	Karas walked over and inspected the contents of the pot. "I 
believe it is the substance known on the Earth realm as SPAM. Some sort
of food product produced from what's left of the cow once all the meat
is gone."
	"What, like Orcish sausage?" asked Orin.
	"That would be its closest equivalent, yes." replied Karas.
	"DAMN YOU, NOTROS BLACKSTAR!!!" Dalla screamed.
BLACKSTAR TOWER
	Notros chuckled to himself as he sent his prisoners' dinner to
them. That should teach the loudmouthed windling some respect. He was a
bit disappointed that they hadn't broken yet, but he was confident they
would, in time, promise him anything to make him stop. He need only be
patient. He had all the time in the world. He got up, and began making 
his way up the stairs to his chamber. Halfway up, he missed a step, and
fell back down to the bottom. Not for the first time, he cursed the 
Nethermancer's Union for imposing minimal lighting conditions on all 
its members' headquarters'. "It's more ominous and threatening that 
way, they said. A great amount of good it does you if you kill yourself
falling down the stairs in the dark....."

THE END.
MSTer's notes and general ranting:
	Well, that's one more episode under my belt, here's to at least
a few more. Again, thanks go out to A-Kun, you're a great sport, man. 
Those of you wondering when I'm planning to finish pt. 2 of "Of Wolf 
and Ranma", bear with me, I am working on it. Those of you who don't 
know what I'm talking about, can see for yourselves at 
www.xoom.com/RC_books/kurtmarkuson.html. Also check out my upcoming 
original fanfic series, tentatively titled, "Incarna Wars". Coming 
soon, hopefully. But enough shameless self-plugging. I would really 
appreciate anything you have to say about what you just read. Did you 
love it? Hate it? Whatever you thought, tell me, cuz I want to know. 
Send all, questions, comments, movie deals, exploding cakes, etc., to
kaldar87@hotmail com. Oh yeah, Ranma 1/2 belongs to Rumiko Takahashi,
and MST3K is property of Best Brains, inc. And all that jazz. Ja ne.

STINGER:
"You're not a dragon, are you?"

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