[ Well, this isn't the first fanfic that I've started, but it's the
first one I've completed.  I apologise in advance for any mental
injuries it may cause. :) Real life is being a b**** right now.  I
suppose this might cause some people to write a deep, moving
introspective piece.  But not me.  If I'm going to write a fic because
real life has me down, it's darn well going to be one that's going to
cheer me up!  And, I must admit, that it did. :) ]


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

                          The Plunge


Ukyou was happy.  She was so incredibly happy that she could barely
contain herself.  Ever since she was six years old, she'd been
patiently waiting for this day.  Several times, she had been sure that
it would never come, but now it was here, and it was, without
question, the happiest day in her life so far.

Ranma was relieved.  He had come to accept the fact that his life
would probably always be chaotic, so he was under no illusions that
the upcoming wedding would magically end the madness.  However, he was
pretty sure that it would at least reduce it.  In fact, he was now in
a position to see that the crazy events that had dogged him for the
past several years had, in fact, taught him lessons that he had
desperately needed to learn.  In any case, he was now ready to settle
down.

Konatsu was ambivalent.  On the one hand, he wanted to see his
mistress happy, and that she certainly was.  However, he had wished to
be the one that made her that way.  However, she made it clear to him
that the fact that she was marrying Ranma didn't mean that she didn't
love him, too.  That made him feel much better, and he was deeply
honoured to take the position of best man.  _Man_, no less.

Akane was sad.  It's never easy to see the man that you love marry
another woman.  The fact that she herself had come to within a hair's
breadth of marrying him just three years earlier didn't make things
any easier.  However, that was three years ago, and times had quite
obviously changed.  Now that she'd beat the crap out of Ranma and sent
him to the hospital for a week, there wasn't much else to do but
attend the wedding, and look to the future and whatever it may bring.

"Well, the old sake's got ahold of me,
    like an inu wrapped 'round my leg..."

Akane's mallet quickly put an end to the horrendously off-key singing.
"You two aren't making this any easier for me, you know!" she growled.
She knew that the two old men wanted desperately to unite their two
families, and were dreadfully disappointed now that it wouldn't
happen.  However, didn't they realize that this was hurting her, too?

Genma and Soun were drunk.  See above for more details.

Nodoka was proud.  How manly her son looked in that tuxedo!  Unlike
her husband, she wasn't fixated with the thought of uniting the
Saotome and Tendou clans; what mattered most to her was that Ranma's
bride would take family honour seriously.  She had talked with Ukyou
at great length, and was convinced that both her son and the family's
honour, at least what was left of it after Genma was done with it,
were in good hands.  However, she had heard rumours that Ranma and
Ukyou were going to get "all sticky and messy" during the wedding
ceremony.  She hoped that they didn't do anything that was...
inappropriate.

The priest was ready to go.  He was from a shrine that Ukyou had
volunteered at many times, and was honoured to officiate at her
wedding.  He, too, had heard the rumours, and wondered if the crowd,
which seemed far larger than he would have expected, had anything to
do with them...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

The wedding was held in a large park near the villiage that Ukyou had
grown up in.  As such, some of her childhood schoolmates (calling them
'friends' would be a little generous) were there, and were forced to
eat their cruel words of so many years ago.  However, as the old folks
noticed, there were a lot more people there than there should have
been.  They had also heard the rumours, and although they wouldn't put
such a thing past some of today's youngsters, they felt certain that
Ukyou had more sense than that.

A large platform had been set up in the park.  It had been designed
and built by Ukyou herself, and it showed.  Over a base shaped like a
giant okonomiyaki was suspended an absolutely huge spatula -- anyone
who thought that the one that she carried around with her was the
biggest one in the world was sadly mistaken -- on which the ceremony
would take place.  Ukyou was quite proud of the contraption; years of
having to act as the maintenance 'man' at her restaurant had made her
quite mechanically inclined.

There were problems, however.  Ukyou had, it seemed, had not paid
sufficient attention to the staircase which led up to the spatula
platform.  It was too narrow -- she got her dress caught in the
railing when she climbed up.  So did Kasumi, the maid of honour.  So
did Akari and Kaede, the bridesmaids.  However, it was nothing that
couldn't be overcome, and the ceremony was soon underway.

Ranma couldn't quite remember ever feeling quite like this.  There
could be no doubt that Akane had looked beautiful in that wedding
dress, but... there just weren't any words for the sight before him
now.  Her dress was simple -- it was the same deep violet color as her
chef's outfit, and had the 'suki' kanji emblazoned on it in the same
manner.  However, it had a number of frills and flourishes in exactly
the right places.  Of course, her giant spatula was still, as always,
slung over her back.  He had trouble imagining her without it.
Somehow, the dress suited her personality just so -- it perfectly
captured the fusion of the kind, sweet girl with the indomitable
warrior that was his Ucchan.  He rather floated through the whole
ceremony.  He wasn't sure if he got his vows right, and he didn't
really care, either.

Ukyou, on the other hand, maintained control a little better.  This
was her big day, and she wasn't going to let anything ruin it.  She
was there to whack him upside the head when he started muttering about
"thickness and kelp."  Not that it helped much.  But, they got through
the ceremony just fine.  Now, the fun would begin.

"Kiss the bride?  Is that all I can do?" Ranma complained.

"Really?  You want to do more than that?" Ukyou positively bubbled,
mischief in her eyes.

"Y-y-you mean, I can?" he stammered.

"Why not?"

That was all the invitation he needed.  His hands blurred, and Ukyou's
dress began to slowly slide down her body.

Ukyou responded by removing Ranma's tuxedo vest and shirt in one deft
motion.  This had the side effect of accellerating her dress's
descent.

The audience was agape.  "Oh my God, they're really doing it!" someone
gasped breathlessly.  

Back on the platform, Ukyou had somehow managed to remove Ranma's
trousers without first removing his shoes.

"No...  Don't...  Please don't..." pleaded someone.  

Ranma grinned at this.  "Heh.  Nabiki.  I hope you lose a lot of money
over this."  The thought of a little revenge for all the trouble
Nabiki's money-making schemes had caused him only served to make the
moment even sweeter.

There was no time to savour the moment, however.  His Ucchan was
impatient to get started!

They jumped.  This action caused Ukyou to finally come clear of her
dress, leaving her in nothing but her skivvies.  "I shoulda known
they'd be athletic about it," someone muttered sagely.

However, they did not land on the platform.  For some reason, they had
jumped forward.  "What the heck are they doing?" another voice
wondered.

Apparently, they knew.  A pair of trap-doors in the base of the
platform opened up, revealing... a huge pot of okonomiyaki sauce,
which the high-flying pair landed in.

The crowd let off a collective groan.  Sticky and messy, indeed!

Soon, they surfaced, locked in a passionate kiss, enjoying the taste
of one another, and the sauce.

"Well, everybody," said Nabiki, trying to sound confident, "since no
actual sexual acts took place, you lose!"

"But that's not on!" somebody retorted, shoving a piece of paper in
Nabiki's face.  "This says that they only had to get sticky and
messy!"

"Sorry, life is hard," shrugged Nabiki.  Indeed.  However, she was a
little mistaken about for whom exactly this was true.  An angry mob
had formed, demanding their money.  Ranma and Ukyou didn't care.
Nabiki, unnerved, turned tail and ran.  The mob followed.

By this time, Ranma and Ukyou had finally parted.  "Well, we didn't
want to ruin those nice clothes, now did we?" Ukyou explained.

Ranma, however, wasn't concerned about rationalizing.  "Yum," he
slurped, licking some sauce from Ukyou's cheek.  "Delicktable!"

"Hey!" she retorted, trying to sound stern but failing miserably due
to the giggling that she simply couldn't stop creeping into her voice.
"If I told you once, I told you a thousand times!  No punnilingus!"

Ranma faked a pout.  "You're no fun."  He paused, then approached her.
"You know, the audience can't see what's going on under the surface!"

"Hey!" she retorted again, jumping backwards, giving a playful whack
as she did.  "This sauce sure has made you naughty!"

"Yup!" he replied fliply, "It's the sauce of all evil!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------

This would be an excellent place to end the story.  After some more
evilness, Ranma and Ukyou retired to her father's house in order to
get rid of the stickiness.  They then immediately proceeded to get all
sticky again, so they had to hit the bath again.  They then proceeded
to get sticky yet again.

In this manner, they nearly missed the reception, which, when it did
get started, went smoothly, with the exception of a few horrible puns.

Ranma and Ukyou lived happily ever after, but they never did find out
who put the punpowder in the sauce.  Both would agree, however, that
it smoothed things out between them that first night.

Oh, well.  Some things were never meant to be ex-planed.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"So you mean I really can do this?"

"Yup, of course.  I only said that you couldn't do _pun_nilingus!"

"Yuck!  It doesn't taste very good!"

"Baka, you should have known that that end doesn't taste good!  You
should have started at the other end!  Now you must pay the price!"

At that, Ukyou grabbed a bucket full of okonomiyaki batter and dumped
it all over Ranma's head.

"Aw, man!  Isn't it enough to go through this _once_?"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

[ All characters are from Ranma 1/2, which was created by Rumiko
Takahashi.  Well, I suppose that's not quite true.  Kaede is from
Urusei Yatsura, which was also created by Rumiko Takahashi.

Apologies are due to the wonderful Canadian celtic rock band Great Big
Sea for badly mangling the lyrics of their excellent song, "The Old
Black Rum".  Apologies are also due to Zen for the punning reference
to his masterwork, "The Bitter End".  I also apologise to the reader
if he now feels worse than he did before.  All I can say is that I
sure feel better! ]

-- 
  -Sean Connor  (sec@konatsu.ml.org)
                (sec@cableregina.com)         ,,,,
                (sec@softhome.net)        ,-^^,--/
                                  _--_  .' ,-'  /    ()
                              *,,'    '/  /--------------.
   O]=========================| >     <> (           (o)  )
                              *'`,    ,\  \--------------'
                                  ^--^  '. '-,  \
                                          '-__'--\
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