HARD TO SAY GOODBYE
~By Kayu-chan~
k-chan@rocketmail.com
http://www.users.globalnet.co.uk/~stroma/hard.html

"We cannot learn without pain."
~Aristotle.

*Ranma 1/2 characters are copywrited to the ingenius of Rumiko Takahashi
and company. I _own nothing_ on these characters or their "unusual"
situations. Ranma 1/2 characters used without permission.*
~Be warned, this will be a sorrowful fic but as for a bitter ending?
You'll just have to wait to find out... ^_~
~I recommend reading the previous chapters before reading this one. It
will be pretty confusing otherwise and some of the characters will seem
OOC. Just reply to this or the above addy for more info.~
~Extremely short summary: Kuno is a homeless orphan and is quite
unbalanced by some traumatic incidents. He and Nabiki are in hospital.
Kasumi and Nabiki kept a secret from Akane which left her feeling deeply
betrayed. Kuno has gone from depressed to happy in a very short period of
time and that worries Nabiki. This time, she fears the consequences of his
possible downfall.~


Chapter 12: A Better Answer

      The sun hung high in the sky, shining across the shimmering ice
slithering over the earth. Sparkles of ice danced in the bright light.
>From the inside, it looked so beautiful and warm but those on the outside
knew just how cold and frosty it really was.

* * * *

      Today, he had no escape. Yesterday, he had taken her off-guard but
now, now she was prepared. As Nabiki rolled down the corridor in her
wheelchair, a determined look hardened her normally calm face. Her eyes
narrowed as she approached the young nurse from yesterday, who looked only
mildly surprised to see the teenager.
     "Didn't you visit Mr. Kuno yesterday, Miss Tendo?" the female nurse
asked.
     "Yes," Nabiki said curtly, stopping for a moment to examine the
nurse's badge, "...Nurse Nanao. So what? It is visiting hour, isn't it?"
     "Of course," Nanao replied politely, smiling. Her raised eyebrows
told Nabiki just how fake the smile was.
     "Don't worry, Nurse." Nabiki smiled back slyly, the slight turn of
her lips indicating her amusement at something. "He's not my boyfriend.
Though, he's a bit young for you, don't you think?"
     "I-I.... What are you implying?!" the nurse protested with a blush
but it was too late as Nabiki had already gone through the open doorway to
Kuno's room.
     Standing in a plain hospital nightgown beside his small window,
Nabiki saw that he was gazing out of the window, his face turned away from
hers. Instead of sighing in melancholy like she had expected someone as
depressed as him should be, he was whistling a happy, light tune. That
only confirmed her suspicions - he'd slid back into denial and she was
going to have to get him back out of it.
     "Hello. Is anyone home?" she asked sarcastically, sleep deprivation
catching up with her.
      He spun around as if he hadn't collapsed into serious illness a few
days ago. He smiled at her but the smile was as real as the nurse's. Why
was he treating her as coldly as this? That was her job! He was supposed
to
get upset while she stayed calm and collected.
     "Good afternoon, Miss Tendo," he said, a distancy clouding his
innocent words.
     Nabiki's determined features almost gained lines of anger but she
wouldn't let them through. She couldn't have signs of weakness, such as
emotion, show on her. Today, she wouldn't make the same mistakes she did
before. Today, Kuno was going to face the truth and she would make him get
some help. This had gone on for too long.
      "Kuno, I'll get straight to the point...."
      "Please do."
      Her hands gripped the sides of the wheelchair more tightly but her
face remained impassive. "Your family's dead. You have no money and no
prospects. You wrongly blame yourself for their deaths because you can't
handle real grieving, only guilt and anger with yourself. You went crazy
and set fire to the remains of your house. Get some psychiatric help and
deal with it."
      No reaction, no signs of barely repressed sadness or anger, emerged
from him like she'd expected. Instead, he smiled widely. It unnerved her
to the point that she nearly dropped her guard, fumbling to hold on to it
like a slippery soap.
      "I know, Miss Tendo, that all my family are dead and that I am poor
and without any chance of employment. Did you think I was unaware of
that?"
       "Kuno, h-"
       "Tatewaki, if you don't mind."
       "I do," she snapped coldly, annoyed with his interruption. "Now,
you need help, Kuno. You can't run the cycle of depression and denial
forever. I don't have the patience or the insurance money to put up with
it any longer."
       "You think of me as an annoyance?" His higher-pitched tone at the
end of his question signalled a hope that she did hate him. He wanted her
to hate him...? Why? Did he hate her? Well, she wasn't going to let him
think that she cared what he thought of her.
       "Yes. You are." She stared straight at him, refusing to blink or
look away. She wanted to break that permanent smile of his; it just wasn't
healthy. "Just face the facts."
      "I know I am all alone now." He blinked and looked away, not
noticing her confident grin. "I know that I shall not see my family again.
I have nothing." The serene tone of his voice added a disturbing edge to
those words. It was as if he were reading from a script the tale of
someone else's life and found amusement in it.
       "And?" Nabiki pressed further, wanting him to break into the truth.
She tried to force back the disappointment that he didn't consider her
when talking of his loneliness but her efforts were increasingly futile.
She hated having these stupid, weakening emotions.
       "I'm perfectly fine with that, now."
       She raised her eyebrows in condescension as she looked at him,
resting her chin on her curled hand. Did he think she was stupid?
"Nobody's fine with it _that_ quickly. You don't get over what you've been
through in an hour. Or have you forgotten your letter? In it you called
yourself weak, inferior, criminal.... Do you want me to go on? Denial
isn't healthy. You've just exchanged one extreme for another but both are
just as dangerous."
      He whistled that light tune again before continuing in a calm voice,
"I'm not in denial and I'm totally comfortable with what I wrote in that
letter."
      "If you're not in denial, then what are you?"
      "At peace, Miss Tendo." He bowed before walking past, refusing to
make eye-contact with her intense, questioning stare. "I shall go for my
lunch now."
      As he left, she whispered to herself, "Idiot." But she didn't know
who it was for. She just knew that as much as she hated to admit it, she
was concerned over his behaviour and didn't want to see anything happen to
him. Before, she was so sure that he was in denial, but now... now....
      A cloud in the sky shifted with the currents, letting the sunshine
slip into the hospital room. As the bright light burned her eyes, she shut
them tight and turned away, leaving the room.

* * * *

      She pulled the large jacket closer and brought her knees up to her f
ace, trying to keep warm against the cold. But that couldn't hide the
teardrops hanging on the edge of her eyes or the silent sadness that she
fed to the cold wind. The frosted grass beneath her began to seep through
her clothes but still she sat there, gazing at the small koi pond in front
of her.
      "What should I do?" a voice from inside looking out asked.
      "I don't know, Ranma," Kasumi said, standing just inside the back
porch doors with him. "Say, why don't you go outside and ask her that?"
She finished buttoning up her coat and smiled at his confusion.
      "But if she really knew how to cheer herself up, why would she need
me?"
      "Ranma," Kasumi replied softly, smiling even wider, "just the
thought of you caring for her would help Akane's mood."
      "Really?" He blushed, a rosy hue painting his cheeks and a lopsided
grin plastering his face, completing the happy but embarrassed look. "Not
that I care or anythin'."
       "Of course not." The sparkle in Kasumi's eyes revealed what she
really thought. The atmosphere still held tension between her and Akane
but it was much better than before. She felt that Ranma had a lot to do
with the improvement in her younger sister's mood but she didn't know why.
A loud noise from the front distracted them both. "That'll be my taxi,
Ranma. Take care while I'm out."
       "See ya!" As she left the room, he opened the porch doors, deciding
that he couldn't look at that sad face of hers but couldn't look away from
it either. A massive applause of frosty air greeted his face and ungloved
hands. His light feet barely caused the glazed grass to crunch as he
strode over to the pond. "Hi, Akane. Y'alright?"
       She smiled as she gazed up at him from where she sat. "Fine." For a
few seconds, neither moved until Akane broke the silent stare, blushing
slightly. She stood up and brushed herself, wiping away flecks of ice from
skirt and jacket. Suddenly her sad smile lifted into a happier one but
some anxiety still tugged at her lips. "Ranma?"
      "Yeah?"
      "I'm going for a walk. You want to come?" The blush on her cheeks
increased as she reached out her hand to his.
      "S-sure," he sputtered, grasping her hand delicately, his face
bright red as she tightened her grip around his. Her gloved hands were so
warm but yet that didn't stop his heart beating like Ryoga's fist against
his chest, it only made it worse.
      "I have to go visit... someone."
      "S-sure." Her hands seemed so tiny, even when wrapped in the gloves.
And her smile, oh man, her smile....
      A tug on his hand snapped him to attention and he walked with Akane
around the side of the house to the front, trying to remember what his own
name was.

* * * *

      Nothing made sense. Sitting up in this hospital bed, with only a
bare wall to observe, Nabiki wondered if the hospital had dealt with
someone like Kuno before. He seemed so unlike anyone else in this
hospital, switching moods and personalities with abandon. Then again,
living in Nerima had taught her that there were more than enough extreme
personalities to make a psychiatrist's heaven.
      But Kuno... the last couple of months he'd been different and just
as she began to figure him out, he would change. It was certainly a
challenge and she enjoyed a real challenge, but she didn't know if she
could win this one. Or what the consequences of failure would be....
      She shut her eyes and winced inwardly as morbid thoughts tore
through her mind. Damn her imagination! She didn't want to know about the
grave possibilities, didn't want to see them so alive in her mind.
      She especially couldn't let anything happen because she couldn't
take not being in control. Even now, she felt she was losing her touch -
unable to work out what was wrong with Kuno. It sure didn't look like the
self-hating grief or the cracked ice of denial that he'd already gone
through. When Jiki came with schoolbooks at the end of the week, she'd
have to tell him to bring some psychology books for next time. Maybe they
would have an explanation....

* * * *

      Blissfully, though he'd never admit it, Ranma walked along a
peaceful street with Akane. His hand lingered near hers, having parted
when they had passed "Ucchan's". Neither said a word, though Ranma
occasionally whistled a light tune and tried to play down the need to jump
up onto a fence or leap onto rooftops. For some reason, Akane wanted to
walk the normal way and he didn't want to go too far from her. This was a
relatively unfamiliar part of town and if Akane got into any danger, then
Mr. Tendo would freak out bigtime. He didn't want to make Mr. Tendo angry
and so stayed close to her.
      "This way, Ranma." A hand tugging on his sleeve pulled him from his
self-reasoning. He shifted his walking to match her direction and the
chilly breeze whistled past the back of his head as a small temple
sheltered them both.  It didn't seem out of the ordinary but there was
something familiar about it... where had he seen the temple before?
      "Do you remember coming here?"
      "Huh?" He looked to Akane and saw her staring wistfully at some
sight just beyond the temple, her lips trying to make a smile but barely
succeeding.  Tearing his eyes from her face, he followed her gaze and saw
rows of tall stones, inscribed with names he didn't know, huddled against
the wind by bushes and elderly trees. A cold breeze that didn't really
exist swept through him, darkening his pale blue eyes. "This is... where
your mom's grave is." The words floated in the creeping air and sneaked
into Akane's ears.
      "Y-yeah, that's right," she replied in an unusually meek voice. "I
thought it was time to visit her."
      "Sure."
      "Right."
      "Let's go."
      "Sounds good."
      Without another word, the two headed onto the fluttering grass and
out of the shelter of the temple. Stepping onto well-worn ground, past
age-old graves, the pair wandered down the slight slope to where one slab
of stone took its place. As they approached it, a figure kneeling in front
of it caught their sight.
       "Who's that?" Ranma whispered to Akane. "They're facing away from
us."
       "I don't know, the sun's in my eyes."
       Slowly and stealthily moving forwards, the sound of a soft voice
carried up the slope to them, along with the sweet aroma of incense
burning, jarred their suspicions.
        "Kasumi?" Akane questioned breathlessly as she inched forward,
crouching behind a gravestone a few metres away from her sister. Ranma
followed her, hidden by a bush that cuddled the stone marker.
       "I thought she'd gone to the hospital t'visit Nabiki?" Ranma asked
himself outloud. "Hadn't she?"
       "Perhaps she hadn't," his fiancee murmured back.
       A long, dark ponytail rippling in the zephyr confirmed Akane's
suspicions and her eyes widened.
      "Oh, Mom," the oldest Tendo sister sighed so sadly, she nearly
cried. "What am I going to do?"
      "Kasumi's upset?" Akane questioned quietly. "Kasumi?" But she closed
her shocked mouth when she remembered the scene at the hospital when
Kasumi cried so hard with unnecessary guilt that it had stung her heart.
Before either she or Ranma could decide what to do, whether to do anything
at all, more sad words reached them from Kasumi.
     "I wish you were here to help me, Mother." Her tone, though steady,
held a shiver of grief within its grasp. "I don't know what to do. It used
to be so easy to pretend that I didn't ever get mad or hurt... or cry." A
long silence followed and Akane and Ranma too riveted to leave despite
their conscience. A sob slashed the silence. "B-but those feelings are
back and they won't go away! Ever since the two Kunos joined you, I
haven't been able to stop wishing that I'd done something to help you. I
feel so different, so much more aware of myself and everyone else and I
can't cope with all this on my own!"
     Her voice softened as she continued: "But I will try my best without
you, Mother.... I miss you." She stood up with measured grace and wiped
the icy grass from her coat. Suddenly, she slipped the lace from her hair
and threw it to the sky, her locks flowing with the breeze. "Goodbye."
     With a smile, she treaded up the slope, nearing an abruptly guilty
pair of teenagers who remembered where they were. Ranma thought about
bolting away to avoid being caught but he couldn't just leave Akane here.
As silent as the graves, they watched in relief as Kasumi walked past
them.
      "Shall I cook your favourite tonight, Akane?" Kasumi said.
      "Gah!" In surprise, Akane stumbled backwards onto Ranma, both
blushing madly as they separated and stood up.
      "Kasumi? You knew we were there?!" Ranma gasped, ashamed that he
hadn't been able to erase his presence as well as he thought he could.
      "Why didn't you s-say anything?!"
      "Because," Kasumi answered her sister's question, "if I didn't say
what I said right then, I might never have been able to say it." Her eyes,
though smiling along with her lips, barely hid the regret behind the
relief. Akane knew that regret was because of her and her heart darkened
as she thought about her bitter treatment towards her sisters, no matter
how right that bitterness had felt.
       "So, how come you got a taxi if you were only comin' here?" Deep,
emotional situations like these had always unnerved Ranma's masculine
personality. He needed to change the subject in case of the threat of
group hugs like on those American TV programmes.
      "I was going to the hospital but... I changed my mind. I know Nabiki
will forgive me for not coming." Ranma's uneasiness shone through his
emotive face and Kasumi could see it straight away. For someone still so
young with little chance to lead a normal life and mature, she thought
that he was coping admirably with this situation. Never once had he
complained, only ever showing frustration when Akane had laid her anger
with her family on him. Perhaps he was maturing a little....
      "Sis, can we," Akane said, staring up at Kasumi with guilt in her
eyes, "talk later? About... stuff?"
      "Of course, sister," Kasumi answered immediately, hope filling her
face as reconciliation seemed to lie in her grasp. No more lying to
Akane, not after this. She knew that neither of them could take any more
heartbreak. "I'll go do some shopping and make sukiyaki tonight for a
special dinner. How about that?"
      "Yeah! Great!" Akane's smile matched Kasumi's. They both loved
sukiyaki; it was the one thing they had in common. "Can I come with you?"
      "Didn't you have something to do...?" Kasumi's eyes flicked to the
gravestone and then back to her sister, who followed her gaze.
      "Now I'm here, I'm not sure I'm ready." Akane grinned nervously,
gritting her teeth. "I think I'll go next week. I'll be ready then, I
know I will." She looked up at Kasumi, melancholy painting her eyes with
regret. "But I have other people to talk to first... and sukiyaki to help
cook."
       "Yes, let's go make the best dinner we've ever had!" Kasumi smiled
widely, brushing wild locks of her hair out of her face. Akane couldn't
help thinking that for that moment, the oldest Tendo sister looked much
younger and happier than she had for a long time.
      There was a short silence as the two sisters drunk in the calm
atmosphere, wondering how long it would last. As it finally ended, Akane
noticed something was missing. Or rather, someone.
      "Where'd Ranma go?" she queried, putting a finger to her lip. "And
why?"
      "I don't know," Kasumi replied, deciding that this truth would do
more harm than good. "Maybe he went to visit a friend in the area."
      "Hmm, yeah." Akane didn't look too convinced.
      "Shall we set off shopping before it gets dark? I'm sure that
Ranma's fine."
      "Yeah, you're right," her sister replied and they walked away, one
of them ignoring the rustling in a nearby tree.

* * * *

      Weeks passed and so did Nabiki's plans. She couldn't find anything
in psychology or psychiatry books to fit Kuno's present behaviour, only
his darker moods. She couldn't persuade him to get help as he said he
didn't need it. She couldn't get the hospital staff to take time out to
listen to her. She couldn't do anything except stumble around on crutches!
     As she entered the room, she realised that her options were now very
few. If this didn't work... it would work, it had to. She didn't fail, she
survived and so would he, she would make sure of it.
     A pen scribbling against paper scraped against the silence of the
room. Kuno, standing up, seemed to be writing something in a notebook.
When he saw her, he placed it into a drawer and locked it, holding her
attention. What secret could Kuno hold that she didn't know about? Perhaps
it was a journal?
     "Yes, Miss Tendo?"
     "Kuno," she snapped back for apparently no reason, "I have no time to
waste on pleasantries and so I will get to the immediate point." Grimacing
inwardly, she resolved not to sound too much like him in the future. Soon,
she'd be calling the female Ranma "the pigtailed goddess". Man, what a
thought.
     "Go on. With much haste, please."
     "Whatever," she casually countered his equally chilly voice. "Anyway,
in order to survive out in the big, bad world you're gonna need some money
to set you up. Take this and consider it a long term loan." Refusing to
show her trepidation, her fingers slipped to an inside pocket and pulled
out some yen bills, displaying them in front of her.
     "No," he immediately replied. Hiding a gasp of disappointment, Nabiki
mentally re-grouped her senses before deciding to continue.
     "Why not?" her hard voice dug deeper. "Why won't you take my money?"
     His eyes flicked down to hers and then to the notes she held in her
open hand. He shook his head. "I have no need of it," he answered quietly.
"I can find what I want without it."
     Momentarily, a frown creased her brow before disappearing into the
calm. "What are you talking about? You're poor and outside of this
hospital you have nowhere to live, nothing to wear, to eat. How do you
expect to live without it?"
     The heavy drone of an aeroplane overhead rattled the room slightly,
furniture clattering against each other. But Tatewaki did not remove his
gaze from the money. "Because I don't live for it."
      Unable and unwilling to think of anything cool and snappy to retort
back with, Nabiki decided with a sigh that she was definitely getting
soft. She didn't want to insult him and that wasn't good, especially if it
hindered her attempts to help him get out of his emotionless rut.
     "Is this the end of our conversation?" he asked in the most polite
way possible but the coldest, too. "If so, could you please leave?"
     The words that he never said repeated themselves over and over again:
"...me alone." Please leave me alone. That was what he was too polite to
say to her and she knew it. He didn't want to know her and would be quite
happy if he never saw her for the rest of his life. That's what he was
really saying. Another frown disturbed her calm features. Why couldn't he
just come out and say it and save them both the trouble of this awkward
pretense?
     "What is it with you, Kuno? What did I do to you to make you hate me?
Why are you treating me like I'm nothing?"
     His face stiffened and sobered suddenly and his lips opened, pausing,
as if to about to say something. "I...." Just as abruptly, the sombre look
slackened back into contentment. "I hold no ill feelings for you." The
tension clawed at his smooth, untroubled face and without warning he
strode to the door. Nabiki spun around to face him, to see him smile a
little smile at her. "Goodbye, Nabiki." Within a few seconds the sound of
his echoing steps was all she was left with.

* * * *

     With a summoning of courage, Akane approached a gravestone and placed
a wrapped bunch of lilies in front of it. She bit her bottom lip in
anxiety and stared down at her mother's name engraved in the stone.
      "Here, Mom, some lilies," she whispered, though she didn't know why.
"Your namesake. They're pretty, just like you were." She sniffed, holding
back a long-held sob. She had always felt guilty about being able to talk
about her mother in the past tense so easily. But now she had something
else to feel guilty about. "I said I'd come back the week after but I
never did. I'm sorry." She bowed her head, unable to hold it up to the
light of day. "I just... couldn't. Not until I'd settled things with my
sisters." She remembered when she had finally been able to let go of the
anger against Kasumi the last time she had been here. It had taken a while
to feel truly comfortable around her sister but Kasumi was so sincere and
had problems of her own that it hadn't taken long for Akane to forgive her
older sister. But Nabiki, she hadn't seen her for ages....
        "Am I bad for not being able to face my own sister?" Akane asked
the silent stone marker, eyes narrowing in the breeze as she sighed
wistfully. "There's something about the way she acted that disturbed me
and I don't know what. But... the way she talked about you made me
realise I could never hate you, no matter what you did, like Nabiki does."
And when Nabiki comes back tomorrow, Akane thought, I'll have to speak to
her, I can't avoid it....
      "Mom," she murmured after a long period of quiet contemplation, "I
forgive you. And even though I don't remember you as well as I used to,
seeing how badly your death affected Kasumi and Nabiki reminds me just how
special you must have been."
       The grassy slope suffused with silence as she closed her eyes and
let the tears slip down her face.

* * * *

      She should have just gone without food, she could take it.
     "Did you see "Days of Our Weeks" last night, Ayaka?"
      Nabiki groaned inwardly and her eyes bored into the backs of the two
teenage girls standing in front of her. Here she was stuck in a long queue
for what smelt like below-standard hospital food and she had listen to
boring soap talk. With the life she had, she felt that she lived a TV
show. And the conversation she'd not long had with Kuno served to make it
an unpredictable show.
     "Oh, yeah, Etsuko, that bit with Hiro and Ami was really shocking,
don't you think?"
     The seventeen-year-old leaned forward onto her crutches and sighed as
the girls continued to chat. Oh, c'mon, talk about boys, or music, just
talk about anything else but soaps....
     "Yeah, it's a shame but you'd have thought she would have seen it
when he said goodbye like that."
     Nabiki froze, her widening eyes a picture of slow realisation.
Gripping the tray tighter and tighter, she tried to ignore the
conversation.
     "With all that had been going on, didn't Ami realise she'd never see
him again?"
     Nabiki stared down at her tray, trying to hide her fearful
expression. No, no, no, no.... Why didn't she see it before?!
     Goodbye, he had said while smiling. Goodbye.
     The tray crashed to the floor as a soundless scream resounded through
the hall.


End of chapter 12...
I love cliffhangers, don't you? :)
Tell me what you think of this chapter as I'm not sure what I do. In other
words - C&C please!! I don't mind what form, publicly or privately, just
as long as I get it. Thanks in advance and thanks for reading.

~~~
Aiyah! Not yet another page of fanfiction!
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