Author's Wimpy Note:
Okay, so this has been done a million times. At the very least, I hope
that what I'm about to do is at least a little unique.
I guess it's not going to be. Hell, after Gaijin in Nerima, I don't
think any Ranma SI's are going to be unique. *Points to the wastebasket
filled with puke from that entire Soun/Genma thing, as well as the
ten-thousand-odd shots of tequila from playing the game*
However, that doesn't mean I'm not going to try. After all, there's
always SOME attention directed toward the rough among the diamonds,
isn't there?
Oh, and this is my first actual fic-thingy for the FFML. Please be
gentle if you're going to review this, please!
***
A teenager sat alone at a bus stop in the Nerima ward of Tokyo. His
mind was wandering about, looking at this and that, just waiting for
something. Not that he didn't know what he was looking for, it's just
that he was getting a bit anxious, being half an hour earlier than
expected. In the meanwhile, he just sat and observed.
***
I didn't think that this was the kind of thing I'd do on my gap year.
Not just the idea of studying, but studying in JAPAN, of all places! I
don't think Dad was exactly satisfied, but he allowed me to go. After a
crash-course in Japanese from one of my Japanese-speaking friends (as
well as three Tenchi Muyo! OAV translations for a test) I was ready to
rock.
Glancing down at the photo I was given, I could make out what could
easily be a photo out of an 80's sitcom: a man with tears welling up in
his eyes but still looking noble; a tall, brown-haired woman, probably
in her twenties; a stacked redhead who looked really uncomfortable about
the girl next to her (who looked like she was about 18 with short black
hair); a girl in her early twenties with a short black haircut and an
easy smile on her face; and behind all of them, a panda holding a sign
that said "Cheese!" (or rough equivalent thereof) in kanji.
Jeez, what a strange family.
My introspection was cut off by what appeared to be a loud explosion
coming from my left. I barely blinked in surprise when a blur rushed by
me, shouting "Yayyyy!" in the cutest voice I ever thought possible. I
was in the middle of blinking when the next item raced by my nose. I
didn't know what it was, but I smelled exhaust fumes afterward. And,
before I finished my blink, two...THINGS in mech-suits raced by me.
When I finally blinked, it made this really weird sound, too.
And no one seemed to notice.
And I thought Switzerland was weird...
***
As Yet Untitled
A Completely Gratuitous Self-Insert Ranma 1/2 Fic
by Lawrence Chu
Part 1: Here's the author
Based on characters by Takahashi Rumiko.
All rights reserved. Don't bother suing, I have no money.
***
As one of the three heirs to the Zhu Dianzi Gedou de Xuexiao, I knew
that there were things that I didn't have the ability to handle. After
all, Computer Martial Arts, although fearsome, isn't even close to some
of the more intimidating martial arts found in the world.
However, being knocked down by a rocket wasn't what the Dianzi Xuexiao
was talking about. At the very least, it's not the first thing that
pops into most people's minds. Generally, these things refer to the
nemesis of the Zhu Dianzi Xuexiao, the Tung Daiziji Gedou de Xuexiao,
and their dirty, underhanded little tricks. After all, the days of the
typewriter are outnumbered, and they feel threatened.
But enough about that. I'm rambling. It happens.
So, about three eternities after my brush with death, the man I
recognize as the father of the family spots me. "Zhu-san! Zhu-san!
Over here!"
"Tendo-san? Is that you?"
"Yes! Yes!" Waterworks gushed from his eyes as he greeted me. "Ah,
I'm so happy to meet you at last! Come, come, you must meet the rest of
my family."
I gathered up my backpack and luggage case (he insisted, but I was the
guest) and we started walking the three blocks back to his place. I was
still kind of tired from the flight, but we managed okay.
The first impression of the place was something like this: big. Given
Japan's housing shortage, I was surprised to see not one, but two
buildings (the big building was probably the house and the small one the
dojo) and a closed in stone fence. I immediately knew that I was going
to like this place.
The aura of peace surrounding the building was interrupted by a flash of
red light coming from behind the dojo and a distinct punting sound.
"KAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIKUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEE!"
Was that the redhead flying thirty feet over me? Naaah, couldn't be.
We continued inside.
As soon as we were in, Mr. Tendo called out to his kids.
"Kasumi!" The brunette appeared from the kitchen, wearing an apron.
"Nabiki!" The girl with the easy smile popped out from one of the
rooms.
"Akane!" The girl with the short black hair didn't appear. Not for
about thirty seconds or so, anyway.
"Girls, this is the student we'll be hosting for the next year, Zhu
Lawrence. Why doesn't one of you show him around the place a little
bit?"
Kasumi waved hello, and apologized because she still had to work on
dinner for that night.
Nabiki said something about pictures and closed the door.
Akane took one long look at the door that Nabiki closed, and sighed.
"Well, Lawrence-kun, I guess it's my duty to show you around. You saw
the kitchen, ne? Kasumi-neechan's always in there cooking, but
sometimes I can wrench it away from her. Maybe you'd like to try one of
my meals sometime?"
Not one to pass up free food, I nodded. She immediately brightened.
"Anyway, these are our rooms: this one's my room--" she indicated a
small, pink room with lots of...kawaii?...pictures all around--
"Nabiki's room is over here," she gestured to the door I saw her pop her
head out of earlier, "Kasumi's room, and Daddy's room..."
***
Eventually, she led me to the dojo and went into every proud detail
about the Tendo School of Anything Goes Martial Arts. Finally, she
asked me if I did any martial arts.
"Err...yeah, I do...but don't laugh when I tell you what it is..."
"No, don't worry, I won't laugh!" She poked me in the shoulder
playfully. "C'mon, you can tell me!"
I was getting a bit uncomfortable. Not only was the idea of revealing
my trade embarassing, but Akane was getting a bit too close for comfort
(look, I don't normally get along with people this quickly, not even
when hosting or being hosted). I looked at the ground.
"cmputrmrshlartsh."
"Nani?"
"Computer Martial Arts, okay? Are you going to laugh? My friends
did..."
Akane ran through this tidbit for a little bit, and smiled. "That's not
the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. What's it like, anyway?"
I stepped away from her. "MONITOR ATTACK!" Out of what I liked to call
"computerspace", I produced a 21" monitor with a maximum of 1280x1024
resolution, .26mm dot pitch, etc., etc., and tossed it at Akane in an
instant.
And, also out of the blue, she grabbed a hammer out of compu...er,
hammerspace and smashed it. With a single leap, she punched me down. I
screamed as a couple of teeth flew out of my mouth.
"Oh my god, are you okay?" Akane ran up with a worried look on her
face. "Oh, no! I'm too used to Ranma-kun way too much...the first day
he's here and he's already going to..."
"Zhu Dianzi Xuexiao Secret Healing Technique: DEFRAG!" All of a sudden,
my teeth flew back and rewired themselves into my gums and my jaw was
set back into place (I didn't know it was broken in the first place).
Akane jumped back, surprised as she watched everything heal relatively
quickly (i.e. it took a few minutes).
"Owww....that was one heckuva hit..." I rubbed my sore cheek. "You're
gonna have to show me that stuff sometime, you know that? Here, let's
go for round two, okay?"
Akane merely nodded before charging toward me. I just stood there until
the last possible moment (although I tried my best to look calm, I
turned to jelly inside), then shouted "CABLE TANGLE ASSAULT!"
Now, it should have worked by all means. As a matter of fact, it DID
work. Just on the wrong person.
It took fifteen minutes for me to work off the cable, even with Akane's
help. By the time I finished, I could swear that my face was burning so
much that it could have melted the cables on its own.
"Well, now, THAT was embarrassing."
Akane giggled. "Now, don't worry about it. Everybody messes up from
time to time. You should have seen me with the Martial Arts Rhythmic
Gymnastics ribbon."
"The Martial Arts WHAT?"
We spent the next half hour discussing the strange types of Martial Arts
we've seen. Akane was particularly fascinated by the Martial Arts
Skiing competitions held in France annually, while I was amused by the
encounter with the Martial Arts Tea Ceremony idea.
At the end of the discussion, I didn't mind being so close to Akane as I
did before. No! No! I wasn't falling in love with her, of course not,
I mean, she has a fiance and all, but she's, well, she's...
Okay. Let's call it a mild crush.
And, from the doorway, a pig-tailed boy noticed it. "So, another person
falls for the tomboy, huh?"
A split second later, the dojo received a new skylight. I also
destroyed a perfectly useful 3Dfx card while I was at it. Not that I
was proud or anything, but it WAS a Voodoo Rush.
***
At the dinner table, I was greeted by the scent of something wonderful.
I couldn't believe how much stuff was being served. I paused to inhale
the smell of the food, reveling in the complete ecstasy that would be a
wonderful dinner. I smelled onions, chives, a touch of ginger, and some
peppers on the beef dish. I took another deep breath...
...and started inhaling the stuff. Delicious, indeed. Mmmm.
Akane piped up, "Lawrence-kun practices Computer Martial Arts, Daddy."
I blushed. "I'm just a student. My older brother's much better than I
am, and my father could easily beat the two of us any day." It's true.
Besides, I don't like being the focus of a conversation.
"How wonderful! Another student for the dojo! Why, yes, I would LOVE
to have another person train with us!" Mr. Tendo wept into his rice.
The panda held up a sign that said [Yes, Soun-san, another fine student
to be trained under Anything Goes!]
I really couldn't believe that I understood all that Japanese. But I
did. Go figure.
There were some other things nagging at me, though. The fact that there
was a giant panda at the table eating all the food in sight was just
swallowable (excuse the pun), but a _literate_ panda at the table eating
all the food in sight? If I wasn't seeing it, I'd have said that it was
something out of Shonen Sunday or something.
I finally asked. "I don't mean to be rude, but what the heck are you
guys trying to pull on me? You sure there isn't a guy under that panda
suit? And where's that redhead?"
Everyone sweatdropped but Nabiki. "Oh, what the hell, he's gonna be
here for the next year." And she dumped cold water on Ranma (the kid
with the pigtail).
Right about here, I think I passed out.
***
When I woke up, I was in the middle of the dojo. When I got up, I
finally saw the redhead in the picture. Then Kasumi poured hot water on
her.
I think I passed out again.
***
I woke up to the faces of the three Tendo sisters. Now, call me a
realist, but I'm quite sure that the last few sights I saw weren't a
dream. It would make sense, and it definitely explained why the cab
drivers did nothing but do some Shinto warding and drive away when I
asked them to take me to the Dojo.
But, it's always a good idea to have someone else confirm your
delusions.
"Err...that thing about Ranma and the redhead...that wasn't a dream, was
it?"
They shook their heads.
"Good. I thought I was going crazy. Now could someone explain how that
happened?"
It took about two and a half hours to explain the entire thing in a
nutshell to me. By the end, my head hurt and I had this really, really
strong urge to call a shrink for myself. It would be a lot easier to
accept the fact that I were crazy than it would to accept their
situation.
By now, Switzerland was beginning to look like suburbia, military
uniforms and semi-automatics included.
"So let me get this straight...Ranma and his father..." I pointed to
Ranma and the panda, "turn into a girl and a panda,
respectively...whenever they get splashed with cold water."
They nodded, for about the fiftieth time.
"And they turn back whenever they get splashed with hot water."
They nodded, for about the fifty-first time.
"And this is from that Jusenkyo place in China?"
Nod.
"Good. Okay, I think I'm satisfied for now. What time is it?"
Kasumi looked at her watch, then jumped a little bit. "Oh, my. I think
it's time for bed for everybody. Let's go! Off to bed! Off to bed!"
***
As I lay there in a cot in Japan for the first night in my life, I began
to wonder what kind of weird stuff life would toss at me next.
*WARNING: Obligatory introspection sequence coming up. If you don't
care for this kind of thing, you may close the fic now. Otherwise, read
on.*
You'll notice that people always say that the more questions in life are
answered, the more questions in life pop up.
This, something that happened in a single day, did more than that. This
was that one day that everyone has, the one in which everything that you
thought was your life gets turned upside down like a bottlecap in a
clothes dryer. I mean, it's not every day in which explosions go all
around you, people start flying through the sky, people change gender,
people change species, and no one seems to care.
Now how a place like this could get boring, I'd never know. At least
not for a year or so.
Having that settled (kind of), I settled down to sleep.
***
chu_bear@hotmail.com
Warning: Gratuitous sig file ahead.
b $$P |"And I'll feel better
$$P $$ | in the morning,
d$$eee$$eeeee$$e | The pain will fade as
,d$P $$ | time goes by,
dP" $$ | What was taken, I won't
$$ | miss or I'll replace
eeeeeeeeeee$$eeeeeeee$$e | Nevermind me,
$$ | I'm all right."
,$$ $$ `b |--"Nevermind Me,"
,$$ $$ `b. | The Bosstones
d$P $$ `$b. |chu_bear@hotmail.com
,d$P $$ `$$bee |ICQ: LoopyChew, 8413137
edP" $$ `$$ |http://www.geocities.com/
"7$P | SunsetStrip/Studio/7508/
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