David Eddy wrote:

The Togetherness Factor
Part 2:  Impetuousness
by David Eddy <dje@progress.com>

(snip)

     Ranma said nothing as they gathered their bathing things and
headed down to the bathroom.  He carefully avoided looking at
Akane as they went down the steps and walked to the bathroom.  In
the laundry, which was where one disrobed and put one's clothes into the hamper, 

              
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

I think anyone who's seen the first episode of Ranma has figured this
one out, and it sounds awkward besides.  You can probably drop it.

(snip)

     The hot water of the large bath soaked into Akane's body as
she lay submerged up to her neck in the furo.  She could almost
imagine that she was in there alone, but somehow she could sense
Ranma's presence off to her right, facing her across the bath.
She knew without having to feel that his feet were only a foot
from her hip.  His presence stirred both resentment and a
surprising warmth in her thoughts.

I like this bit.  Up to this point I was a bit concerned at how little
the bath seemed to be affecting the two of them (and you may want to add
to that) but this is nice.

     At some time since the second world war, the Tendou home had
been extended upwards to cater for the demands of family living.
This could be seen in the difference in construction methods used:
Modern integrated lights hung upstairs; and ring flourescents with
a pull cord suspended from the old wooden slat ceilings in the
centre of each room downstairs.  The presence of an extension was
not atypical of homes in the area, but being of modern
construction, most such extensions were bare of ornament, the
Tendou home being no exception to this.

     Tonight, however, two dark shapes perched on one end of the
gabled roof of the second storey, at the end of the house closest
to the small street that passed the front of the property.

     But they were not gargoyles, dragons, or any other form of
decoration.  They were two teenagers who waited quietly, lying in
wait for their prey.  Ranma and Akane, waiting for Akane's elder
sister, Nabiki.

An interesting little segue... a couple of comments, though:

-- The bit about it being "bare of ornament" doesn't lead very naturally
into the bit about Ranma and Akane on the roof, because the reference to
the *interior* lights leads one to believe the lack of ornamentation is
also interior.  You could make this a bit clearer by referring to the
stark silhouette of the building, or by making some other reference to
lead our mental "eye" to the exterior of the building.

-- Similarly, the transition between the "two dark shapes" sentence and
"But they were not gargoyles..." is very abrupt and feels awkward.  One
way to remedy this might be to juxtapose the sentences a bit closer,
i.e.:

"Tonight, however, two dark shapes perched on one end of the gabled roof
of the second storey, at the end of the house closest to the small
street that passed the front of the property.  But not gargoyles,
dragons, or any other form of decoration (expected on rooftops?)..."

OR you could smooth out the transition with a bit more decription, i.e.:

"Tonight, however, two dark shapes perched on one end of the gabled roof
of the second storey, at the end of the house closest to the small
street that passed the front of the property.  They were still as stone,
eyes focused unmoving on the street below, but they were not gargoyles
or dragons, or any other form of decoration..."

     The waiting was not unpleasent for the two.  The warmth of

                           ^^^^^^^^^^ unpleasant 

the day had given way to a slight coolness as a wind from the
south-east brought cooling breezes from the sea.  There was no
cloud overhead, and so the night was dark, with even some of the
brighter stars shining weakly through against the light of the
city.

"There was no cloud overhead" also sounds awkward... Perhaps "Not a
single cloud floated overhead" or some such...

     A figure walked quietly down the street, passing under the
pool of light from a street lamp.  Ranma and Akane took note of
this, and looked more carefully as the person walked noislessly

                                                       ^^^^^^^^^^
noiselessly

against the background hubbub of the city through the light from
another street lamp.

     It was Nabiki.  Akane noted that her sister was wearing a day
pack, a small back pack designed to carry supplies for a short to medium walk.  

       
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Again, a bit too... definitive.  It feels like Webster's.  Give the
reader a little credit, or if you feel you must explain it, be a bit
less pedantic, okay? :)         

She wondered what could be inside it.

     "Ready?" murmured Ranma in her ear.  She nodded, and felt
Ranma's powerful arms lift her up before he leapt for the ground.
For a long moment weightlessness lifted her stomach and then Ranma
touched down with a grunt.  She, too, grunted as the hard
deceleration of landing forced the air from her lungs.

     Nabiki stopped suddenly as someone landed heavily in front of
her as she passed between pools of light.  

The transition here is a bit awkward as well - you can probably dispense
with "someone" because the reader knows who that someone is,
contributing to the awkwardness.  "The dark shape" might work better,
allowing both for Nabiki's lack of knowledge of who the shape is, and
the reader's knowledge :)
(snip)

     The television was showing a silly movie about a female ramen-
seller and her search for how to make the perfect ramen.  Ranma
and Akane sat companionably side-by-side watching it, cups of
barley tea sitting forgotten on the table in front of them.

     Nabiki, too, was sitting at the table watching the TV.  She
was absorbed, fascinated by the lengthy, emotive description of
the *perfect* ramen noodle issuing from the lips of an actor
playing, of all things, a butler.  She ignored the other two,
concentrating on a movie.
                 ^ the 

(snip)

movie, where the good guy and the bad guy where indulging in
adolescent fisticuffs in a field by a highway.

(snip)

     On screen, the two men were shaking hands, contusions
colouring their faces interestingly.  The scene cut to a shot of
the men discussing their plans for renovating the rather dingy
interior of the ramen-ya.  

So, how did Ranma, Akane, and Nabiki enjoy the sex scene with the
whipped cream, lemons, and live crawfish?  Or the egg yolk scene? :P


(snip)

     Nabiki sat there, stunned, unable to move.  Kasumi sprinted
from the kitchen and grabbed Akane in passing on her way to the
koi pond.  At the pond, she dropped Akane and hooked out Ranma,
whose red-headed female body was now floating face-down in the
pond.  Urgently she dragged him over to Akane and dropped him on
top of her.

That's it, Kasumi!  Show us the muscles years of housework give you!

     Instantly the screaming stopped, and Ranma began to cough
uncontrollably.  Kasumi gently pulled him off Akane again and
began to thump him on the back.

     "Nabiki?" she called as Akane slowly pushed herself off the
ground.  "Would you call Tofuu-sensei please?  I'm afraid Ranma

                           ^^^^^

Should be "Toufuu" if you're gonna use the eternally-debated "u's"

has swallowed some water."

     "Are you all right, Ranma?" she asked, concerned.

     Ranma was racked by coughs, but when they finished he didn't
look up.  "Stupid uncute tomboy.  Fucking moron!  No I'm not all

                                    ^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Whoa!  A wee bit potty-mouthed of Ranma there...

(snip)

     The gate bell rang.  "Gomen kudsasi!" called Tofuu as he

                                   ^^^^^^^ kudasai (darn those typos!)
 (snip)

     A gentle breeze wafted in through Akane's open window, the
cool air a pleasant reminder of the unseasonally-cool weather also
forecast for tomorrow.  She looked up from her bed, out the
window, and wondered about the latest visscitudes of life that

                                        ^^^^^^^^^^^ vicissitudes

     By the way, the movie the kids were watching is real.  It's
called "Tampopo" and I highly recommend it if you can track down a
copy.  (I taped it from TV.)  It's a scream.  I'm not sure if it
was made as a serious movie, a parody, or just plain camp, but I
really liked it when I saw it.

Luckily, it's available on videotape, subtitled. You may well be able to
find it at the local Suncoast :)  Juzo Itami's other movies are also
well worth it, though not always as amusing as Tampopo.  Try "The
Funeral" or "Minbo no Onna"

Overall:

I like a lot of what you're doing with this premise, but I feel like
this part moves a little slowly, and has some stuff that I can't see the
point of.  For example, why have the P-chan scene?  Just so Nabiki can
explain how unreasonable Akane is?  Just to get Ranma soaked?  For
either purpose, you could use a situation a bit less cliched.  However,
I like the way you're showing the uneasy (and slow) building of their
truce.  It could stand for a bit of cleaning-up to make the prose flow
more smoothly and to add a bit more "zip" to the interesting scenes.  I
liked the "choreography" of the bathing scene, though again it could do
with a bit more description for punch (and I think when Ranma started
pondering on what part of Akane might be "soft and yielding" it would
take a heck of a lot to derail THAT thought!).  Looking forward to part
3!

Bridget


       "Why are they wearing bras?"
          -Rachel Wilde, age 4,
while watching the Dirty *ahem* Lovely Angels...
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