I'm back! Did anybody miss me? Well, try to aim better next time. :)

And now this:

"KaraOhki" <karaohki@snet.net> wrote:

"A Change of Scene"  Chapters 60-63

Shiro stuck his hands in his pockets and shivered.  The sun was so
bright when he'd looked out the window that morning that he'd gone out

You might use 'had been so bright' instead of 'was so bright'

The situation was beginning to affect Shiro in a way it never had
before with any of his other "loves".  His grades were slipping.  At

Technically, punctuation should go inside quotes, so it should be
written as "loves."

"Ranma is so lucky", he thought to himself.  "Akane is with him every
day, and all I have to go home to is a dorm room.  I wish Shampoo was
with me."

Can you find a way to quote thoughts without using quote marks, so it is
clearly distinct from actual spoken speech?

Shiro's letter was a marriage proposal, and he was waiting for an
answer.  There was no doubt in Shampoo's mind of the answer she would
give.  The only thing that had prevented her from sending it
immediately was the consequences it would bring.  It was very likely
that Cologne's reaction to Shampoo's plans would be to disown her.
Shampoo loved Shiro, but she also loved Cologne, her father, and the
rest of her family back home in China.

Actually, her father was in Japan with them, at least when they first
showed up. There's a couple of panels where you can see him working at
the restaurant. But it's possible that he went back later.

"Child, I must talk to you, and you must listen."

"Great-Grandmother?"

"Mousse is on his way back, and you are to marry him when he arrives."

"WHAT?"

"*grumble* I TOLD you to listen. I SAID, MOUSSE IS ON HIS WAY BACK,
AND...."

The conflict between Cologne and Shampoo works quite well in the story.
I'd like to see more development of Shiro's character and have a clearer
idea of what makes Shamps attracted to him, but I missed a lot of
previous chapters so it may have been done already.

"Good afternoon, Mr. Misato", Akane responded.  "I hope we weren't

Misato,"

When Shiro told his sister that Shampoo's great-grandmother didn't

I'd use 'had told' here to make it clear that this happened earlier.

Shiro was sitting on the floor, a baby in his lap.  In the background
was the young woman sitting at the table, and a man she didn't
recognize.

Shampoo wordlessly returned the pictures to Mai, a question in her
eyes.  Mai smiled and nodded, and pointed to the individuals in the
picture.

"This little one is my son, Nojiri,  and the man sitting with me is my
husband.  That's my brother holding the baby."

Shampoo's eyes widened.

"Shiro is your husband?! Shampoo KILL!!"

Takashi didn't receive a reply.  Instead, Ukyo got very red, and
looked at her feet.
That was enough of a reaction to make him draw the correct conclusion.

"You were using me to try to make him jealous, weren't you?"

Word wrapping problem in the first paragraph above. And the narrator
probably shouldn't be taking sides here by telling us that the
conclusion is correct.

"Hi Ranma!"

Should be a comma in there: "Hi, Ranma!"

She'd ruined everything.  By wrecking Ranma's wedding, she'd driven
him and Akane closer together.  Trying to make him jealous with
Takashi was a total waste of time, and in the process she'd hurt
Takashi, a perfectly nice guy.  Ukyo sat up, and put her face into her
hands, weeping uncontrollably.  She never heard the door's lock being
picked, the sound of it's opening, and was unaware that anyone was

of its opening, or of it opening

present until she was swept up into a hug.

"Mr. Buscaglia? I wasn't expecting--"

"Mother said you wanted to see me, Shampoo?"

"Yes."

"And that you had something to tell me.  What is it?"

"Yes."

"Those Japanese lessons aren't coming so well, are they?"

"Yes."

This was overall a pretty good chapter (or three chapters, or
whatever....) I do think Ukyo's reaction needs some work. It's not clear
to me what she's feeling through all of this. It seems to me that she
should at least believe that she's in the right, and she should find a
more convincing way of being able to believe that she is. Her actions
might be plausible, but I think you need to do more work getting us into
her character and showing us why she does what she does.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics