Overall impressions first: This was well-written as always, especially 

the

scene with the serpent and the tortured girl, and the ending. The
overall plot moves more slowly than I'd like, but it's got some good
dramatic conflicts and it feels like it's building up to what will
(eventually) be a great climax.

Hopefully so.  I do have the ending planned (have from the start) and 
I'm hoping it'll be sufficient.

Now for the obligatory nitpicks and silly comments:

Shurely you mean insightful commentary?  ;)

    There was a plan, of course.  He didn't tell her all of it
that first time, though.  Doing that would have ruined the plan
in its entirety.  Fang Shi had decades of experience in deception
and subtlety, but the one to whom she spoke was something else 
altogether.  

This seems to violate Fang's point of view in the narration. How does 

she

know that telling her would've ruined the plan?

As it's the last paragraph of the scene, I stepped out of the 
third-person limited to a third person omniscient.  It's a technique I 
use fairly commonly in WUE; the last scene in this chapter between 
Happosai and Genma does it as well.

Reading the sentence over, though, I can see the transition is a little 
unclear.  Will fix.

    Genma nodded.  "One more reason to find him.  Right now, the
master is going through Cologne's things, the ones that she left
here when she came to Japan."

"So far, he's found six bras, three pair of panties, and...."

"...and he's just finished throwing up, and should be back to himself 
soon enough."

    "Oh, Mousse," she whispered quietly, taking his hand in both
of hers.  Behind her, Ryoga drew a deep inhalation of breath as
he realized what she had.

Seems like that should say 'what she had done' or something like that.

Probably change it too 'realized the same thing she had."

    Akane could not speak.  Mousse's voice was calm and strong.
His blind eyes seemed to turn to Ryoga.  "The shadows will take
her."

Yes, it's the prophecies of Mousstradamus!

*bap*

    "Ceremony?" Akane and Ryoga chimed confusedly.  Shampoo's
father ignored them and ran past, calling out in Chinese again.

"Shampoo and Rouge getting married! You come! Need best man and
bridesmaid!" (How about giving Dad here a name, BTW?)

*bap*

As for the matter of Shampoo's father's name... when it becomes 
important, I'll give him one.  I think Takahashi didn't name him for a 
reason...

    He put his hand on the shoulder of the nearest person, a
girl with long dark hair tied in a high ponytail.  "Excuse me..."

Wouldn't he say that in Chinese instead of Japanese, given that he
wouldn't expect people here to understand the latter? (Yes, I know if 

he

were an American, he'd say it in English. And this IS Pantyhose we're
talking about, so nevermind. ^_^)

Well... Tarou is Chinese, despite his name, so he probably would speak 
Chinese in this instance... will fix.

    Tarou scrambled up the trail leading into the mountains
after Happosai.  Behind them, the panting form of Genma Saotome
followed.
    "Who was that?" he snapped.  

"Just the narrator, boy, setting up the scene."

Hiding behind a nearby bush, the narrator blanched and quickly used a 
deus ex machina to get the hell out of there.

    Happosai smirked at him.  "You want that new name, or don't
you?"

    Tarou couldn't say anything in response.  Only nod.

Notice he didn't say what the new name would be....

Bingo.  

    O my wife - the first thought.
    
    O my son - the second.
    
    Forgive me - the third.
    

O my god being eaten is really painful - the fourth and last. :)

There are a number of different kinds of hunger, Gary.  ;)

Just kidding... actually, this was a very well-done death scene. I can
just imagine being in that situation and thinking over all the things I
wish I had a chance to make amends for.

I think almost eveyone feels that way if they have time to realize 
they're dying, slow or fast.  Genma more than most.

And just to give in to peer pressure, I'll add:

*anticipatory wince*

OH MY GOD, THEY'VE KILLED GENNY!

Okay, that's three so far... still counting.

Thanks as always for the comments, Gary!

Ciao,
-Alan Harnum

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