Memories (a Ranma 1/2-with-cameos! fanfic)
by Nikholas "Mayhem" F. Toledo
The Ranma 1/2 Universe was created and therefore owned by Rumiko
Takahashi, Viz Communications and Shogakukan. If you do own Ranma and I
have failed to mention you, that is because I am not worthy to even write
your name since you are really incredible people and earn a million
dollars just to write up the characters in the Ranma 1/2 title. I would
also declare that I will not get a single cent from this work and that I
am only doing this to pass away time and for my own personal artistic
fulfillment.
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|Mayhem!Mayhem!Mayhem!Mayhem!Mayhem!Mayhem!Mayhem!Mayhem!Mayhem!Mayhem!|
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Chapter Four
First Period Bell
One may ask the question: How come Happosai only made a small dent
on Kuno's face although his impact speed was a lot greater than Ranma's
and she (Ranma was female at the time) blasted a whole neighborhood? This
can be answered in a variety of ways.
The explanation could deal with the wyrd physical laws in the
Neriman area, such as the appearance of mallets, hot water kettles and
even Jusenkyo cursed victims' clothes, from out-of-nowhere (i.e.
Hammerspace). It could also deal with the fact that Happosai surpasses
Ranma in his martial arts abilities. (Face it, if an evil perverted
martial arts master could grab at a female on a flying fighter jet and
you couldn't, he has to be a lot better at what he does than you.) It may
also be a freak accident, since freak accidents happened all the time.
Or, most probably, it would be the combination of all three.
"NOBODY!" the world screamed back at Hikaru Gosunkugi as he greeted
the morning. Of course, he just imagined it - if you were a nobody, the
world would just ignore you.
Not that he cared, though. Nobodies disappeared into the shadows
pretty easily. He could watch his beloved Akane from afar, without the
major martial artists of Nerima noticing and/or giving a damn about it.
The problem was the *minor* martial artists or, in laymen's terms, the
scoundrels who take his lunch money, vent their wrath upon people like
him, their destructive power repressed by Ranma & Co.
He had accepted his place in society, knowing that no matter what
he did, he would be forever at the bottom of the stack. Even magic did
not have any effect on the status quo. There seemed to be no way of
defeating Ranma and making Akane his. Even Ranma's weakness for cats
became his strength.
But, for a strange reason, he felt rather upbeat for the past few
days. There was a vast surge of inner strength that had kept him
sleepless, which wasn't a great loss, since he only slept three minutes
and forty-nine seconds every night. Taking advantage of this rare
occurrence, he followed Ranma everywhere he went, searching for clues as
how to defeat him - until the day that his sacrifice paid off.
He had seen Happosai use a Happo Daikarin on Ranma, the resulting
explosion leaving him out of his senses. "Bombs are the key!" He had
worked through Sunday night without stop, casting spells, purifying
extracts, perfecting the design, finally taking a rest when his job was
one. The means of his rocketing rise in the world shone with the light of
the bright new sun.
And he called it, *The Spleen Bomb*.
However, there was a problem.
"How the heck do I blow them up?!?" The five spleen bombs had no
sign of a fuse on their smooth biochemical surfaces. The spell book he
had researched was no help - he had slept on it in his glee and a large
wet stain blotted out the instructions. "Argghh! Guess I'll do it later."
(Note that this pattern of thinking would save a lot of people medical
bills in Nerima.)
As he turned and walked downstairs, a large *KABOOM* tore through
the air. "IT WORKED?" Gosunkugi asked incredulously. There was a large
hole in the roof and on the floor of his room, where a certain female
martial artist with red hair had tunneled through on her way to the
ground. The spleen bombs were missing, no doubt picked up by the wind
shear.
He ran outside and was greeted by a strange scene. The sidewalk and
part of the street around Ranma was obliterated. A parked car and several
houses needed a few weeks' worth of repair. There were men milling about
the impact side, no doubt attracted by the cute okonomiyaki chef and
other girl who rapidly appeared to lack a piece of clothing around her
upper chest.
Weaving his way through the crowd, he managed to come up with only
four bombs. "Where's the other one?" Desperation echoed in his voice. "My
spleen! My spleen is missing!" Bigsweats appeared around a few of the
onlookers, those who were not busy looking at the two cute girls.
"I'M SORRY FOR ALL THE TROUBLE!" Ukyo cried out as she rushed
Ranma-chan to the nearest medical center, causing the audience to groan.
The crowd began to disperse, and Gosunkugi looked for the organ remnants
near the crater site.
Sure enough, there were a few remains left at the exact center.
Surveying the damage, "Ranma's impact was a lot more powerful than
usual..." The idea hit him like a pile of bricks. "IT WORKED! IT ACTUALLY
WORKED! I don't have to be afraid anymore!"
The day seemed to be a lot brighter now.
He shouted to the sky, "RANMA SAOTOME, PREPARE TO DIE! HA-HA-
*cough*."
Drat, he forgot that his lungs were too small to do a Kodachi
laugh.
A Sidewinder missile ran out of fuel and began to plummet down to
earth. It was a long way down. Anywhere else, it would have hit a
civilian building, injuring lots of innocent lives. In Nerima, it would
hit a martial artist.
Such were the unchangeable laws of the universe.
"HO-HO-HO-HO!" the original Kodachi laugh sent chills down the
spines of the people she passed on the way to Furinkan High. The large
ball of fur that had been following her had somehow disappeared, no doubt
still in mobspace.
For some strange reason, she missed the company of the cats, and
the distinct advantage she had over the pig-tailed hussy. "How can I find
them again?"
As if answering her call, a strange smell wafted in her nose, the
same odor that emanated from the dumpster she had fallen into. "So that's
it!" as the train of thought ended a long drive. Taking out a packet of
plant fertilizer, she laughed, even more terrifying than before.
"HO-HO-HO-HO! Perhaps fate has smiled upon me after all!"
Kuno ran through the town, as the angry mob snapped at his heels.
"What evil doth cause this mess? I, Tatewaki Kuno, being chased by other
women other than the pig-tailed girl and Akane Tendo? Ahhh! Cursed be
fate."
*PONK* "Don't push your luck, dear boy!" Happosai laughed from his
position, riding on top of Kuno's head. "Those girls are following me!
Ha-ha-ha-ha!"
"Deviant corrupter of womankind! How dare you sit on the head to
Tatewaki Kuno, the blessed vessel of intelligence?!? You are even more
vile than the amoral wizard Ranma Saotome!" He shook his head from side
to side, but the old man wouldn't budge. "Cursed be fate. The vile Ranma
Saotome has no doubt put a spell upon these poor women. Ah, I see his
contrivance now! He plans to tempt my eyes away from my loves! He has
even sent this old demon with which to whisper profanities, trying to
corrupt my very soul! Ha! Your plans, as all before them, will fail, as
the truth and justice and all that is pure are by my side!!! I WILL NOT
BE CORRUPTED!"
"Ranma Saotome? You don't say." Happosai thought for a while, "I
could get pieces for my collection while Ranma is distracted!"
*ponk* *ponk*
"Hey, dear boy! You say Ranma Saotome has caused you all this
trouble?" Kuno nodded his yes, exhausted from his last vain attempt at
prose to say anything more. "Then join with me! We shall destroy Ranma
together!"
Kuno thought. "I, the Blue Thunder of Furinkan High, ally with the
lecher! He is impure, yet he is righteous in his fight. And the end doth
justify the means..." He came to a decision. "So be it then. I am ill-
pressed but to ally shall it be!"
The two were so distracted in their battle laugh that they
(including the mob) failed to notice this sign:
<Nerima District Zoo. 1 km ahead.>
The helicopter made waves as it flew above Tokyo Bay to its
eventual destination. The reporter combed back her abundant blond hair
that was tousled with the windblast, while the cameramen made last-minute
adjustments on their equipment.
"We will be beginning to broadcast in a few minutes. Can we get
there on time?" The pilot gave the thumbs-up sign. "Good..." The reporter
sighed. "I have this bad feeling that I shouldn't have gone to work
today..."
"Mother Goose, this is Echo-2." Rick radioed as the hulking mass
that was home loomed in the horizon. It was big, it was huge, but it was
home for him. "Requesting permission to land."
"Echo Group, this is Mother Goose... You have been given emergency
clearance to land immediately. Is everything okay?"
"Fine up here," he looked outside the window where Lisa was trying
to hold her plane together long enough to land. "I knew that I shouldn't
have gone to work today." They passed by a helicopter as they went into
final approach.
The radio signaled as another incoming message was patched in. "Oh
yeah, hope you didn't forget the souvenirs."
Genma-panda switched on the TV, out of nothing better to do. He had
managed to find another glass of cold water. "I must avoid attention as
much as possible." The eight-o'clock news filled the screen, where the
announcer was in the middle of a news article.
"... and, yet again, the Immature Radioactive Samurai Slugs saved
the world from the destructive hands of the evil Mincer and his army of
pawsoldiers."
Genma gave a grunt and slumped down, cradling the tea he had
acquired from the kitchen.
The news anchor shuffled the papers and continued. "And, in the
local front, the USS Eisenhower carrier fleet is currently entering Tokyo
Bay. This event marks the start of the week long Japanese-American
Friendship Naval Exercise. We have a live correspondent with an on-the-
spot report..."
"5... 4... 3... 2..."
The camera's lights winked on as the live feed commenced inside the
helicopter. "This is news correspondent, Nanami Jinnai, flying above the
USS Eisenhower main battle group."
Nanami sighed as the camera was not even looking at her, rather, it
was pointed at the flotilla of ships below. Why did she have to comb her
hair anyway? Why not show over national television her beautiful face
instead of large floating hunks of metal?
"As you can see," she continued, "the carrier fleet is composed of
the aircraft carrier itself, together with five destroyer-class ships
flanking it. The carrier has..."
Genma-panda downed his tea with a big gulp. <Now that was something
you didn't see everyday!>
Leaving the TV on, he pranced to the kitchen in search of more
food. If he had watched longer, he would have seen two planes land, one
seemingly damaged. He missed the rest of the news article.
Nanami rattled off the figures she had researched. Gah, all this
effort going to waste. She thought that this internship with NHK would be
a significant boost to her journalism career. She had hoped that she
would have been discovered or something, her talent used in investigative
reporting or something risky, just as long as fame and money would soon
follow.
But she was too young, they said. She was too inexperienced, they
said. She wasn't cute enough to be on national television, they said.
"Let's just see about that."
She finished the report and grabbed the camera, staring full into
the lens. She winked seductively. "This is Nanami Jinnai, live over Tokyo
Harbor." The equipment lights went off as the transmission ceased. "How's
that for investigative reporting?" she asked the cameraman, who somehow
misplaced his jaw somewhere.
Mousse woke up with a start, from nightmares.
"What a way to start a day." He hoped he could see his Shampoo
again so that he could finally claim her lips and be his forever. Sure
enough, the nearby wall caved in, and the Chinese Amazon entered, wearing
only a few shreds of clothing.
"Mousse, Shampoo offer herself to you..." she said, reaching out to
take off his robes.
Mousse's glasses frosted over. "The formula's working again! Time
to make my move before the old ghoul finds out..."
He puckered his lips, and was greeted with a massive punch to the
kisser. "Shampoo only for Ranma, stupid duck brain!"
Wicked laughter was the last thing he heard before his skull blew
up, splattering blood and brains all -
Mousse woke up with a start, from nightmares. "What a way to start
a day." He hoped he could see his Shampoo, waitaminute - didn't this
happen before? An overwhelming sense of d�j� vu and dread filled him.
"The dream was a warning," he thought, searching through his robes
for the right weapon for that type of disaster. However, a small part of
him (the perverse one) hoped that the dream would come true, especially
where...
*CRASH* The nearby wall caved in, and the Chinese Amazon entered,
wearing her usual Chinese outfit.
"Oh, well..." Mousse thought.
Shampoo reached out to caress his head with her hands. "Mousse,
Shampoo offer herself -"
"HA! I knew that you would say that! Your tricks won't work on me
anymore! Secret Pepper Holder!"
The spice container imploded, scattering dust particles everywhere.
Mousse waited for Shampoo to sneeze before he made his attack. "At last!
Your lips are m-*wham*"
"Shampoo only for Ranma, stupid duck brain!" was the last thing he
heard before the force of the blow blew him up through the roof and to
the morning sky. "But I thought---"
*splat*
"And take stupid duck potty trainer with you!"
Nabiki Tendo entered the downtown Nerima shopping district. The
wrecked facade of the Ucchan's and the assorted property damage greeted
her.
"You don't see this scale of destruction everyday," she shrugged,
passing on to more important matters. "What was the address again of that
novelty shop?" she tried to recall the details but a nearby sign made her
avoid the inconvenience.
<Old Man Skeptic Antique Store/Novelty Shop: a few meters ahead>
"... this monumental event had no effect on the old-timers playing
shogi at A&J's general store, but the magnanimous teenager had a short
statement -"
A hand briefly came into view to the bottom right of the screen,
handing the anchor a typewritten sheet. "Uh... This just in. The Nerima
District Zoo has been ravaged by an angry mob. Lions, tigers, elephants,
pandas, hippopotami, Tibetan llamas and other species of fauna have been
seen roaming through the town. The animals are considered dangerous. Shut
all windows and doors. People are advised by the town council to stay
indoors until the situation has been safely defused. Now we pause for a
word from our sponsors..."
Cameras stopped rolling. "Do you think we could get a reporter to
do an on-the-spot report on this on such a short notice?" the news anchor
asked the floor director. "We seem to have a scoop on this thing, you
know."
The floor director thought for a while, then addressed someone
through her comm link. "Patch me through to News Copter 1."
Genma-panda came back with another cup of tea and assorted snacks
as the news went into a commercial. This was another great tribute to
Genma's uncanny ability to be at the wrong place at the wrong time.
Akane rushed away from Dr. Tofu's clinic. "What's your hurry,
Akane?" Ranma asked as he struggled to catch up. "We still have around
half an hour before school starts, and we could get there in less than
ten min-*bump*"
Akane suddenly stopped when they turned at the corner, causing
Ranma to collide with her.
*Slap*
"Ranma! What do you think you're doing!" Akane hissed, trying hard
not to scream.
"What's it now!!!" Ranma shouted in a rather loud voice. Akane put
a finger to his lips (. . .) to silence him. "Shut up, jerk. Do you want
them to hear?"
Ranma's face took on a deep shade of red. Good thing Akane was busy
trying to listen to any conversation inside the clinic to notice. "Did
you see Ryoga and Ukyo before we left? There was something between the
two that I can't put my finger on. (Ranma started to sweat on this.) I
think Ukyo is jealous of Ryoga, like what happened back at the cave."
She released the finger and Ranma finally found time to breathe. He
shook the cobwebs out of his head. "How should I know? I was, uh,
predisposed at the time."
They sneaked around to a better position beneath the window, the
two of them having this tendency for gossip, being the children of their
respective fathers.
"This is weird... Nothing seems to be going on inside..." There was
a really loud silence, broken only by the twinkling of Dr. Tofu's window
chime. "I guess you're right, Akane. If I know those two, they would have
been screaming each other senseless by now."
*WHAM* Dr. Tofu's door opened and closed with a bang. A very
flustered Ukyo stomped away before they could catch up to her for any
details.
"Wow..." was all Ranma could say. "In all the time I have known
her, I have never seen her get this upset about anything."
The man rushed up to the bridge as he heard of the commotion.
Pandemonium reigned, everyone talking at the same time. The only person
who appeared sane was the captain as he slumped forward on his chair,
unmindful of the chaos.
"What happened here?" he asked.
"Well, sir," he replied in a weary voice, "there seemed to be an
attack upon the Echo fighter group as they went about on their
sightseeing route."
"NANI YO?!? AN ATTACK?!? BUT THEY WERE FLYING OVER FRIENDLY SKIES!"
"I know, sir, but it's true. They said something about a monster
attacking them."
"A monster... Hmm..." The man thought. "Could there be any reason
for the pilots to have imagined all that - some kind of mass
hallucination or sorts?"
"No sir! Lt. Commander Lisa Hayes and 1st Lt. Rick Hunter have
impeccable records! They're the finest in the fleet, for crying out
loud!"
"Now I'm sure."
"About what, sir?"
"I don't know if you will believe me, but my experience tells me
that were up against martial artists." He held up a hand to the would-be
clamors of protest. "I knew that you would all react this way."
He turned to leave. "Captain, please arrange a summary inquiry on
what happened, and also the data that the on-board computers have
recorded after they have been downloaded." A large roar tore through the
air. "Looks like your two pilots are here now." The man grinned as the
steel door shut behind him.
There was silence in the room as the fantastic wonderman left a
profound impression on all of them. "Martial artists, bah!" the captain
slumped back as the bridge resumed its normal state of chaos. "Do you
guys believe that load of bull?"
The ensign working with the radio calmly reproached the captain.
"With all due respect, sir, but I believe him." There was an uproar as
the pros and the cons struggled to have their voices heard. "I know that
it's awfully hard to be looked down at by a guy shorter than all of us,
but he has this uncanny ability to be correct most of the time. After
all, that's why they made him an Admiral."
Nanami was shivering. "Oh no! What have I done?" She shouldn't have
grabbed the camera like that, showing her pretty face on national TV.
Maybe the network executives were right. Maybe she wasn't cute enough to
be seen by other people. All over Japan, people would most probably be
snickering at the little lady newscaster.
Bad enough that she had lost Makoto to that demon-girl- never mind
that. What was done was done. All she had to do was to wait for...
The phone began to ring. She gulped and answered, the cameraman
giving her a look that said, "I told you so..."
"Hello... Yes, this is she... Uh... You don't say... Wait a sec...
How much fuel do we have?" she asked the pilot with a smile.
"Uh, enough for a few hours..."
"How long would it take for us to get to Nerima?" she asked again,
an even brighter smile on her face.
"Nerima, hmm. About fifteen minutes or so."
Nanami talked once more to the phone. "We'll be there in fifteen
minutes, enough time before the eight o'clock news ends for a live
broadcast... Yes, I can handle it... Thank you very much."
Everyone's attention was directed at her after she ended the
conversation. "It seems that there is some kind of civil unrest in
Nerima, near the Furinkan district. It also appears that we are the only
airborne, live-transmission capable, news team. All the other live-
transmission capable news teams are stuck in traffic." She was shouting
at this point with joy. "We will be the only ones to cover this event. We
have a scoop."
Her journalistic senses went into overdrive. She was powerful with
the written world and soon this major event in her life will make her
strong, even in the visual media. "I'm going to be rich!"
She danced around, oblivious to the frowns that the other people in
the helicopter were giving her.
The cameraman sat down on the chair next to the pilot. "How long do
you think before she gets *it*? I have been hearing things about that
part of town - very bad things. Things that people in the outside world
wouldn't believe. Sending someone to Nerima could be a suicide mission,
at least for her career."
The pilot raised his hands in despair. "Well, two things can
happen. One is that she will go mad because the world doesn't believe
her. The other is that she will become famous because the world believes
her. For her sake, I hope she has a lot of influential friends that would
keep her out of asylums for the rest of her life."
Kodachi Kuno, the one person deemed responsible for Kuno's
behavioral patterns, laughed out loud.
"She should have been in a mental institution for years now," an
onlooker sighed before he was run down by rampaging hippopotami. Of
course, there was no justice in Nerima (why else would Happy be still
alive now), and so this wish fizzled out before it reached any falling
star.
"HO-HO-HO-HO!" her cry echoed throughout the town. "Ranma darling,
I shall be with you soon! Please wait, for your beloved will come!"
She followed the path of destruction to its eventual cause. "Why,
brother dear! These women seem to have an attraction to you!" She jumped
and ran with her psychotic sibling.
The cats screeched with joy with the coming of their messiah.
"Hot stuff!" Happosai's eyes lit up when he saw the massive
displacement Kodachi had in her chest area when she moved. There were
also the body-hugging leotard that made you wonder whether she could also
be arrested for indecent exposure, among other things.
He attached himself on her chest. Kodachi blasted him into the sky,
unfortunately in the direction they were currently headed.
"Where have you been, brother dear? I have been looking for you
since morning."
"Well, twisted sister. I have passed through a difficult test the
cur Ranma has set out for me. How I wished that you have seen me avert my
eyes from the ravaging horde of women the wizard had bewitched to take my
soul away, or pass through his minions of rabid and dangerous creatures.
Such a vile man should not be allowed to exist upon the fair earth! To
use not only women, but also innocent animals, as victims of his cunning
wrath shows what a heart of evil he has."
"Oh, but you are wrong! My Ranma has the most pure heart in the
world!"
"Perhaps it is so. Perhaps it is that he himself has been waylaid
from the true path. Fear not! I shall set him back to the true path with
my trusty sword and the light that the good shines upon the darkness."
"Hmph! Maybe the pig-tailed hussy sets him apart. Are you willing
to strike the false idol that is your pig-tailed goddess?"
"Silence, woman! How dare you speak with such callousness about my
beloved!"
The argument escalated, threatening to drive matters to a climax.
<Furinkan High: 2 kilometers away>
Nabiki entered the musty interior of the shop, pausing to look, for
a while, at the strange stone statue that decorated the facade. The room
seemed ages old and was filled of lots of things that she herself could
not identify.
She took interest at an old safe before she was interrupted by the
proprietor. "Hrmm." The balding man wore glasses, almost like Genma, but
lacked his bulk. This was the same old man who sold Kuno the phoenix egg
and he, as Nabiki noted, was easily bought by money.
"Say! Aren't you one of the Tendo sisters?" the old man returned to
his position behind the desk. "How may I help you?"
"I'm looking for something that can hold liquids in small
proportions. Your ad in the Yellow Pages said that you carried some kind
of nanosponge. Pretty strange for a novelty/antique shop to have."
"As you see, my entire life has dealt with the strange, the bizarre
and the unexpected. And this is the unexpected!" He laughed. "Would you
have expected seeing advanced technology an antiques shop?!? I tell
you..."
"Oh, put a sock in it. Could I have a look-see?"
The old man reached under the counter and took out a sealed jar.
"As you may know, there are some magazines that have advertisements for
perfumes that actually smell (the pages, I mean)." He took out a small
magazine from a nearby shelf. "Here, read---" *slap*
"Are you expecting me to look through that stuff?" the magazine
showed pictures of rather naked people, mostly male. "What a dirty old
man you are."
"Ah... Ehh... I keep that for some of my regular customers. I
*don't* read that, mind you." He hurriedly took another one with less
skin showing. "Here, rub this spot on the page..."
Nabiki looked over the page, the spot sporting the same label.
Rubbing it vigorously, she sniffed a distinct aroma of perfume. "Hmm,
Parkbench 13. So how does this thing work again?"
The old man opened up the sealed jar. "Like regular sponges, these
things are soaked in the liquid that they are supposed to hold. Unlike
regular sponges, however, these things can contain a lot more fluid and
are very small, so small that they look like grains of sand." He scooped
the insides of the container, and sure enough, it was filled with sand.
"Oops, wrong jar." He took out another and it was filled with a
green powder. "To release the liquid, it must be rubbed vigorously or
heated. Then it can be used again. Or," he frowned, "at least that was
what the kids at Furinkan said when they sold this to me, not that I
believe them." Whenever he said this, Nabiki remembered, it was most
commonly true.
"So how much for the whole jar?"
"I wouldn't part with it, even if you slap me with a wad of bills."
*Whap*
"Oww..."
"Oh, sorry. Do you accept credit cards?"
Gosunkugi finished breakfast in a hurry. He took out a jar of yeast
from the cupboard. "Yeast increases the magnitude of detonation..." the
book said.
He still did not know how to set the bombs off, but at least they
worked. For the first time in his entire career on witchcraft, something
actually worked.
He managed a smile - the day seemed bright.
"Bye, mom, dad!" Gosunkugi cried out as he shut the door behind
him.
"He seems happy today, dear," his mom whispered into her morning
tea.
"Yes... It appears that Prozac works."
"Speaking of, did you put some in his breakfast?"
"I... eh... forgot." Gosunkugi's dad grinned, hoping to save his
skin.
*SLAM*
"HOW COULD YOU FORGET! He'll go back to his normal, wimpy self, in
a few hours... Oh... I guess saying sorry won't bring back the feeling in
your legs..."
"<Pain> That's okay, dear..."
Breakfast continued to a limited extent.
The couple walked once more towards the school. Ranma sighed on top
of the fence. His lips still felt funny after what happened a while ago.
"Tomboy chick," he whispered silently to himself.
"I still can't believe my eyes," Akane mused aloud. "Ukyo seemed
really jealous when Ryoga hugged me. She was even going to slap him! And
her eyes, they seemed to gloss over, as if a part of her died. Ranma, are
you even listening?"
"Of course, I'm listening, you dolt," under his breath, "He hugged
her, eh. She doesn't know the half of it."
"What did you say?" Akane was getting angry again.
"All I said was that you don't know the half about Ryoga hugging
you."
"Are you telling me that I... Oh, I think you're jealous..."
"Now, why the heck would I be je-aarrgghhh!" Ranma fell from the
top of the fence with a hard thump on the sidewalk. "Oww, that hurt."
"Ha-ha-ha! See, you're jealous!" Akane ran ahead, trying to hide
the smile on her face.
"What happened back there?" Ranma asked himself as he stood up. For
a moment, his legs felt wobbly and the world seemed to spin. "What's
wrong with me?"
He stood up and the wobbliness disappeared. "I must have just
imagined it..." he thought as he ran to catch up.
The door shut with the disappearing martial artist. Everyone left
behind was in a state of shock.
Dr. Tofu tried to remember something wrong about drinking too much
coffee, especially when there are patients. But there were more immediate
problems...
Kasumi was sweeping the yard when the phone rang.
"I'll get it!" She ran up to the phone.
"Hello, Tendo residence." There was a startled gasp on the other
end of the line and the connection was immediately cut.
"That's odd..." She put on the omniscient smile once more. "Maybe
it's just some kids having fun."
She went back and swept the yard, not knowing of the massive
commotion the caller was now creating.
There are places on the earth where the physical laws of the
universe seemed to be twisted and turned, this way and that. And those
areas have been marked out and bordered.
One example is the Bermuda Triangle. Many ships have been lost in
this patch of sea. And, to further complicate matters, there are no lines
that mark the boundaries of the Triangle, no demarcation to separate the
unknown from the real world.
In other words, you wouldn't know if you were in the Twilight Zone
unless you found yourself right smack in the middle of it and you
couldn't get out.
This was the same dilemma that the brave warriors of the press were
facing.
Genma-panda slumped down with his third cup of tea. The news, up to
now, was boring. There was something about the economy, the approaching
space shuttle launch, the new mass transit system, the sailor senshi mass
walkout and labor strike, and other such facts that failed to get the
panda's fancy.
"We are now going on live broadcast from Nerima." Genma's ears
perked up at this. "News correspondent Nanami Jinnai, please come in."
Nanami grinned. This was the crowning achievement of her career
(for the moment). "This is Nanami Jinnai reporting live from downtown
Nerima where a civil rights demonstration has gone out of hand." She had
made sure that the camera was pointed at her once in a while. "As you can
see, there is a clear cut path of destruction. Many houses have been
damaged. The police seem to be unable to stop this protest and are
helpless." She didn't know this to be true, but who cared? "The angry mob
has been reported to be moving at a high speed and we are hard pressed to
catch up."
They passed over a part of the trail where the mob had almost
wrecked a large house with a dojo.
Genma saw the Tendo residence live on national TV. <The copper,
*here*! I'm going to be famous!>
Due to his inherent stupidity, he bounded outside.
Nanami gasped as the giant panda bounded out to the yard. "It
appears that one of the escaped animals from the zoo is terrorizing the
inhabitants of this martial arts dojo."
The panda started producing signs and was growling loud enough to
be heard above the chopper's din.
<HELLO WORLD!>
<KILL HAPPY! SAVE THE PANDAS!>
<SOUN TENDO FOR MAYOR! GENMA SAOTOME FOR FOOD INSPECTOR!>
The chopper was heavy with bigsweats. "Uhh... What's going on?"
Two zookeepers were going about their rounds when they saw on TV
the giant panda bouncing around. "That's the panda that escaped from the
zoo a few months ago!"
They rushed into the waiting van and drove at high speed to the
Tendo dojo.
"Mr. Panda is very hard to catch. Have you brought the electric
tasers?"
The other one produced the stunning rod. "20,000 Volts ought to
bring him to his knees."
Kasumi went to the garden to see what the fuss was all about.
<Kasumi! WE'RE ON TV!>
"Oh!" They both waved at the camera. "Hellooo there! Welcome to the
Tendo Dooojjjjoooo!"
<I WANT FREE FOOD!>
Nanami shivered at the sight. "Oh no! The panda is going to maul
the innocent housewife. I cannot bear to look. She's waving in terror! Oh
what a tragedy this is!"
The camera panned to focus on an animal catcher's van. "Oh! The
cavalry's here! They're saved!"
The panda was dragged off amid protests.
<I WANT MY LAWYER!> *kzzt* *<20,000 Volts>* <i want my mommy...>
"Are we finished here, Nanami?" The pilot asked. Nanami was
enthusiastic about the way the news coverage. "ONWAR---"
*crash*
An object crashed through the right half of the front windshield of
the news copter.
"What happened, News Copter 1!" the announcer yelled through the
comm link and on national TV.
"Uhh," a disheveled Nanami looked back. "We are okay... I think
so."
"It seemed as if you were hit by a missile."
"I don't know if you'd believe this, but we were attacked by a duck
potty trainer." The camera panned as to show the porcelain instrument on
the passenger seat.
"Uh huh," the announcer breathed out. "We'll pause for a
commercial. Stay tuned..."
Somewhere, a figure saw the newscast on one of the kawaii TV sets
she had taken. "OH, OSCAR! I FINALLY FOUND YOU!"
She dashed away, leaving most of the stuff behind to be picked up
later.
Nabiki prepared the mixture and sighed. "I hope this works..."
Ranma and Akane finally made it to school without any more untoward
incident. "Wow, only a few people actually made it to class," Akane
murmured as she noticed the smaller density of people milling about. "I
wonder what's going on?"
"Maybe they managed to eat a scrap of your cooking."
*Wham*
"Just what do you mean by that!"
"Listen, Akane... It's not that your cooking is bad," Ranma gazed
at her. "It's just that your cooking is *really* bad. Ha-ha-ha."
Ranma bounced around the blows she was giving him. "Oh, I'm *soo*
scared. Akane's going to feed me lunch---" *splash*
"Let's see you get out of this mess."
Ranma-chan screamed, "Akane, you didn't have to do that!"
"Well, you didn't have to criticize my cooking!"
"Well, I," Ranma-chan couldn't find anything to say. He remembered
what happened that morning. "Okay, I'm sorr-"
*CRASH*
"Ranma, my boy, good to see you again," Happosai grinned as he
attached himself to the usual position.
"GET OFF ME, YOU OLD FREAK!" She managed to pry him out.
Happy bounded away. "Ranma, do not think that I have forgiven you
yet for what you have done to Kasumi. So, if you wear this bra I found,
I'll let bygones be bygones."
"Shut up, old leech! There ain't no way you're going to make me
wear that thing!"
"Well then, since you asked for -" They were interrupted by a shout
in the air.
"Place your bets here, place your bets! Happosai vs. Ranma!" Nabiki
had already set up a table and was calling out through the megaphone.
"Nabiki!" Akane approached the table, "What do you think you're
doing?"
Nabiki waved a hand through her hair. "Well, if it isn't obvious,
sister - I'm just trying to make a buck." She put out a hot water kettle.
"Actually, I'm favoring Ranma on winning," she whispered in her sister's
ear.
"Nabiki, you know better than that. You know Ranma doesn't stand a
chance when he's really angry."
"Trust me." Nabiki called out to Happosai. "Yooohoo! Haaapppyy!
Come here!"
The pervert ran over to her. "So, Nabiki. Are you going to let me
put this bra I found on you?" he reached out for her and was greeted with
a slap. "Shut up, old man! I came to remind you of our agreement."
"Huh?" Happosai forgot about the shipment already. "Oh, yeah -
well, where is it, where is my truckload of sweetiees? I want my
sweetiees now!"
"Sorry, the shipment doesn't arrive for a few days..." Happosai
groaned. "However, I want to give you this." She took out a bra and gave
to him. "For your good work, I'm going to give this to you. Handcrafted
with tender loving care just for you."
She winked. The old man was falling for it hook, line and sinker.
"Oh, thank you!" His eyes lit up. "What a gift. It was a pleasure
working with you." He looked it over. "How come it is green on the
inside?"
"It's just part of the design."
"You have found a special place in my heart, Nabiki! I shall wear
this today when I defeat Ranma!"
"Good luck!" Nabiki smirked. "Fool!"
The delivery truck arrived at the back of Furinkan's canteen in
order to avoid any martial artists roaming about.
"Here's the shipment of flour, just as you requested." The
deliveryman put out the form for the cook to sign. "You're making bread,
I see."
"Well, we need lots of bread. People here would kill to get a
decent sandwich."
"Okay, I'll just take your word for it. Give me a minute to rest,
will you? I have been trying to get out of the way of the rampaging
elephants on the way here."
He sat down on a nearby bench. This town was weird, all right.
Murmurs tore through the audience.
"Who did you bet on?"
"Happosai, of course. Ranma can't defeat Happosai."
"Ranma's good. Happosai's a lot better. There's no way he can
defeat him."
"100 yen on Happy? Sure!"
"I have a bad feeling Ranma's going to get creamed."
"At least he's going to get what he deserves, picking on his
fianc�es like that."
Ranma-chan groaned as she poured the hot water over himself. He was
not the crowd favorite. "Well, no matter - I'm going to defeat him."
Akane fussed over Ranma. "Be careful, Ranma. You know Happosai's
hard to beat when he's angry. I-" There was something else she wanted to
say, but couldn't. "- Just be careful..."
"That's okay, Akane. I can handle my fights." He walked away and
began to warm up.
"Oh, Ranma, I- take care."
Nabiki smiled. She raked in all the money. It seemed that everyone
had bet on Happosai, except for one.
"Sister dear, sometimes you're so obvious." Her plan was foolproof.
All that Ranma had to do was to hit the bra Happosai had worn around his
head to release Cologne's perfume (rather redundant). Just one hit would
be enough.
She went to the center of the courtyard and took out an omnipresent
microphone. "The first one to be knocked out will be considered the
loser." She raised her right hand high and that brought it down. "Begin!"
Ranma began the attack with a variety of punches and kicks, which
Happosai quickly avoided. The two of them seemed to glide through air.
Ranma breathed slowly in and out, conserving his energy. "The only
way to defeat Happosai without me changing to a girl is to wear him out.
I need to- ARRGGGHHH!" He realized that the bra Happosai wore around his
head served to be an unlimited power supply. "Guess I'll have to defeat
him in a man-to-man fight."
The train of thought distracted him for a while and Happosai was
able to lay in a few good punches. Ranma staggered away and the crowd
cheered. (Come on, they all bet on Happy - he has to win, even though
he's the bad guy.)
"Ranma, I told you that you won't stand a chance against the
founding school. Be a good boy and wear this bra for me."
"I'd rather die!" The attack began once more.
Ranma charged Happosai. The pervert avoided and jumped behind him.
Ranma, however, anticipated the move.
Bending down, he twisted in mid-air. With the middle and pointing
fingers of his left hand, he blocked Happy's pipe as it went down to
strike him. His right punched him in the gut.
Happosai was unable to prevent the blow from hitting and he
streaked heavenwards. Falling on his back, Ranma concentrated and
released a small chi blast. "MOKO TAKABISHA!"
The ball of chi approached Happosai. He stabilized himself and
counterattacked. "HAPPO DAIKARIN!" He threw the bomb at the chi ball and
both exploded, rattling the windows and filling the sky with a bright
light.
The chopper rocked as a shockwave shook the air around them.
"What was that?!?" Nanami asked. The cameraman reoriented the
equipment. "Over there!"
The pilot pointed to a bright light somewhere to the right.
"Let's go there! Maybe it's a terrorist attack!" Nanami was
bubbling. Not a dull moment in this town!
The helicopter turned and approached what seemed to be a typical
high school.
The force of the blast knocked Happosai even further up. "Ranma's
getting better. Perhaps my training paid off. I'll have to use some of my
special techniques on him. If only he had been a good boy and worn the
bra, he wouldn't be in this kind of trouble."
He screamed a battlecry. "RANMA, YOU'RE IN FOR WORLDS OF PAIN!"
A voice from above surprised him. "You're the one who's gonna get
hurt."
Happosai looked up and saw Ranma falling towards him - he had
jumped right after releasing his chi attack and the blast catapulted him
above Happosai.
To the shock of Nabiki four floors down, Ranma removed Happosai's
bra. "HAHAHA! Now you can't gain any more energy!" He punched Happosai's
back - the blow propelled him into the ground.
"Trust Ranma to use his head sometimes," Nabiki frowned. She threw
the microphone at Ranma, sending feedback to the speakers. "Ranma! You
idiot! You were supposed to keep the bra on!"
Ranma landed near Nabiki. "Now how the heck do you suppose I'd win
if he had that thing around him? He won't get tired! I had to take it
off!"
Nabiki gave him the Eye. "Ranma, you caused me to lose a lot of
money today. I'm going to put it all on *your* tab."
"What the heck do you mean! I won, didn't I. The old freak's
fainted."
"That's what you think..." Nabiki walked away as a horrible red
battle aura filled the air.
"Granma, is there antidote to Powerful Love Potion #276?" Shampoo
wearily lay down on one of the chairs in the kitchen. "Shampoo getting
tired of almost kissing Mousse." She did not elaborate what this meant.
Cologne laughed. "Well, I know of one way..." She gazed at Shampoo.
"Get son-in-law to kiss you and the effects will wear off."
"Yes! Shampoo get kiss Ranma to get rid of stupid Mousse!" She
danced around the kitchen. "Ay-ah! Shampoo almost forget Ranma lunch!
Great-granma, Ranma promise to eat lunch Shampoo cook for him!" She ran
out of the door.
"That's the spirit, girl." Cologne chucked as she reached for the
spice rack. "I wonder how Nabiki managed to defeat Happy." She snickered
at the idea. "Yes, that would be the way for her to do it."
She did not notice that the spice bottle had something wrong with
its contents.
Mousee sneezed as he breathed in high altitude air. He remembered
earlier when he had bumped with the spice rack and almost got caught for
it.
"Good thing I have the Universal Tool Kit (UTK) and Scattered
Powder Gatherer and Bottler (SG&B) in here." He would have met death if
he had been caught fooling around with Chinese herbs -
A startling thought came to him. "What if the spices were mixed and
placed in different bottles?" Suddenly, he felt really cold. "Oh no! I
should have used a Scattered Powder Organizer (SPO) before using the
SG&B."
No! He'll not get caught. No one knew that he had done it. No one
ever will. Justice will be blind!
*SLAM*
He was too busy gloating that he forgot how near the ground was.
Ranma slammed into the wall, crashing through it.
"Oh no, the old man's really ticked of this time."
He struggled to stand up, however, his legs began to feel wobbly.
He felt so weak. "What's happening to me?" Happosai began to do another
attack run. "Oh no!"
Akane began to scream...
The deliveryman started as this strange man clothed in Chinese
robes fell from the sky.
The impact must have blown up a bomb he had been carrying - the
blast hurled the entire delivery truck into the sky.
"Yep, this town is really weird," a burnt deliveryman groaned
before darkness mercifully took him.
Kasumi went into the kitchen. "Oh, I do hope Uncle Saotome's okay."
The house was already clean. The washing would be done in the afternoon
and she couldn't go shopping because no one would be left behind to take
care of the house. "I guess I'll just bake some bread loaves."
She took out a small cookbook and began to read.
"Get a few cups of flour..."
"RANMA, PREPARE TO-" *CRASH*
The delivery truck crashed on top of Happosai, squeezing him into a
pulp. Sacks of flour tumbled out.
"I declare Ranma to be the winner!" Nabiki could not believe her
good fortune. The crowd gave Nabiki a cold stare. She stared them back.
"I told you Ranma would win..." she said, counting her earnings.
"RANMA! Are you okay!" Akane ran to his side. But someone else had
already beat her to it.
<and a few tablespoons of yeast>
Gosunkugi was minding his own business when a laughing martial
artist used his head as a springboard. He tumbled to the ground, the jar
of yeast that he had reserved for the spleen bombs dropped out of his bag
and rolled into the truck.
<add a few cups of water>
"Ranma darling!" Kodachi glomped onto Ranma's arm. "Did the nasty
pervert hurt you?" She showered him with kisses.
"HEY! CUT THAT OUT!" For some strange reason, he could not push her
away.
Suddenly, both of them were showered with something other than
kisses. "Arrgghh! Cold!"
Akane opened up the sprinkler systems full blast. "Ranma! How could
you! And here I was, all worried about you! You're not even making a move
to push her away!"
"Ranma?!?" Kodachi felt his body form change. "What- HA!" She
jumped away. "Pig-tailed creep! You have deceived even me. I cannot allow
this travesty to happen anymore! HO-HO-HO-HO!"
<the dough rises as the yeast grows>
"What are you doing?!?" Akane asked as Kodachi opened up something
that looked like a pack of Kool-Aid. "Ah, my dear rival for Ranma's
heart. What you see is accelerated plant grower, shrinking into a minute
a few years' worth of plant growth."
<Blink. Blink.> "But you aren't a plant."
"HO-HO-HO-HO! Stupid girl. I know that. This is for the catnip that
I have picked up on the way here. Its aroma shall attract my minions to
this place! Soon, both you and the pig-tailed girl will die!"
"C-c-catnip?!?!" Ranma-chan began to shiver uncontrollably. "C-c-c-
"
<mix the dough thoroughly>
"CCCCCCAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTTSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!"
*KABOOM* The Furinkan perimeter wall blew up as the mob obliterated
all in its path on the way to its prey. The earth rumbled, trees shook
and were torn from their roots. The delivery truck rocked back and forth
with the vibrations.
"Farewell, my rivals. The battle was fun while it lasted! HO-HO-HO-
HO!" Kodachi bid her goodbyes, leaving a trail of black petals.
Akane and Ranma-chan could not move, paralyzed by fear. Suddenly, a
force pushed them away. It was the Blue Thunder, his chest bared for all
the world to see.
"Fear not my ladies! I will not let them touch even a blessed hair!
I accept the punishment my sister has meted out for you!" He laughed like
a maniac at the approaching doom. "VILE RANMA SAOTOME! DO YOUR WORST! I,
Tatewaki KUNO, WILL PROTECT MY LOVES, EVEN UNTO DEATH! LET ME DIE FOR
YOU!" More noble words have never been spoken.
*CRASH* *SQUIRT* *PAIN* *STOMP* *SCRATCH* *ARRRGGGHHH*
Happosai flipped the truck to see what the commotion was all about.
"Why, it's my girls! They have come for me!"
A twinkling star up above caused him to be distracted. He looked up
and was scared shitless.
"Oh no..."
<put into the oven and bake>
*KABOOM*
The Sidewinder missile fired in fright a chapter ago finally found
its target. The explosion blasted the ground to bits. The intense heat
triggered a chain-reaction. Seconds later, a second explosion ripped the
air as the truck's gas line exploded as well.
The crowd erupted into cheers as the fireworks display went on.
"WOW! THAT'S SO COOL!!!"
"BLOOD! PAIN! DEATH! DESTRUCTION!"
"What a kawaii fireball!"
"I guess classes will be suspended!"
"I'm hungry."
"Domestic violence continues here at... where are we... Furinkan
High!" Nanami shrieked. She never expected this to happen! "I'm going to
be rich for this exclusive story!"
A large creaking ripped the air, making even the crazed mob stop.
Everyone shouted a collective shout. "WHAT THE?!?"
Hiroshi and Daisuke stumbled their way to school. "Man, I have
never been run over by crazed hippopotami," Daisuke said. "That was so
weird..."
Hiroshi shrugged. "You think that was weird. This morning, I saw a
lady Happosai stealing kawaii things from our neighborhood." He smirked,
"She even took away my favorite blanket. Called it Alexander or
something."
Daisuke laughed. "You haven't heard my story yet. On my way here, I
saw Gosunkugi laughing like Kodachi, or at least tried to."
"Man, that was definitely weird." They entered the school grounds.
"Yeah. Pretty strange day..." Daisuke pointed at a large object at
the middle of the walkway. "What's that?"
"Uhh... It's a giant loaf of bread. Now, *that's* weird."
"Yeah, definitely a 9.0 on my weirdness scale."
"And I think it's going to get weirder. DUCK!"
The pilot was frozen in fear, unable to keep the helicopter stable.
"We're going to crash!" he screamed as the monster in the
windshield began to move. "IT'S A MONSTER!"
Happosai's face was stuck in the remaining functioning windshield,
blasted upwards by the expanding bread loaf. Nanami shrieked.
Chaos reigned.
"Aim the camera at that thing!"
"It's going to eat us alive!"
"We're going to DIE!"
Happosai spoke in a disembodied voice. "R-r-raaannnmmaaa S-s-
aaaoootoommmeeee," he groaned before finally falling to the ground. His
face was shown over national TV, traumatizing many children.
The copter continued its downward spiral. "AARRRGGGHHHH!"
When the dust cleared, she found out the bread loaf had saved their
lives, although the other two were unconscious.
She took the camera and stepped outside. People were milling about
in a daze.
She handed the camera to this scrawny looking guy holding some
spleens and continued her report. "Nanami Jinnai, live from the aftermath
of the terrorist attack. The school building and the onlookers are
charred. There is brown-haired girl counting her money. There is this
half-naked guy shouting poems at this blue-haired girl. And this red-
headed girl being chased by cats, screaming for help. There is a leotard-
clad figure stuck in the tree branches. The monster is terrorizing the
women armed with pitchforks and grabbing at *censored on national TV*.
And the news copter saved by the giant bread loaf. Could someone send the
national guard here? Please."
She breathed in and out. So many things were happening. Everything
was too fast even for her.
"This is news correspondent Nanami Jinnai, live from Furinkan High
School, Nerima, Tokyo, signing off." The signal ended with her finally
fainting.
The news anchor shook his head. "And that's the way it is... Until
tomorrow..."
<end credits>
Kasumi frowned. "This recipe is too troublesome. Better find
something else to cook."
To be continued...
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|Mayhem!Mayhem!Mayhem!Mayhem!Mayhem!Mayhem!Mayhem!Mayhem!Mayhem!Mayhem!|
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I placed the disclaimer for some of the other characters not found in
Ranma here so as not to spoil the surprise. Nanami Jinnai is a member of
the cast of El Hazard run by some cool Pioneer people I know. Rick Hunter
and poor Lisa Hayes appeared in Macross (the original Japanese version)
and in RoboTech (its poor copy) made by people that up to now, I still
don't know who. Anyways, I did mention you, so don't blame me if your
pride gets to you.
Sembreak has begun, starting one whole month of free time. I'm planning
to work on the fic fulltime, so stay tuned for Chapter 5 (The cappuccino
conspiracy) sometime within the next few days. With luck, Day one of
Memories will be finished before classes begin
Sorry for the short mention to those people who have given C&C's. I had
only a short time to write the author's note part. Please react! I really
need it.
Thank you very much for reading.
10/16/1997
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|Mayhem!Mayhem!Mayhem!Mayhem!Mayhem!Mayhem!Mayhem!Mayhem!Mayhem!Mayhem!|
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