The C&C machine rumbles slowly to life on a Saturday morning... It
lurches towards the computer. There, before its sleepy eyes, is a
fanfiction it remembers as a teaser... It begins to type. It is
interrupted by a strident, nay, demanding voice. It shambles slowly to
the kitchen, where it begins to clean the pots and pans leftover from
Thanksgiving dinner...
Much later, it returns to the computer with a copy of the Hospital
Corpsman 3&2 manual clutched in its dish-pan hands. Looking to either
side to see if the coast is clear, it begins to type once again...
Matthew Harrison wrote:
G.I.Lina
Episode 1: Foreshadowings
(Opening theme: Shock-Fear Factory)
Lina woke up slowly. It was still faster than she'd liked, but even if
you're immune to it, Sarin gives you a headache. Needless to say, the
cloud of gas drifting across the campsite meant that there was a battle
underway.
For those of you who were unaware, Sarin (GB) is one of those nasty
little substances called nerve agents. VX is the one that gets all the
film press it seems. Nerve agents are, by and large, colorless,
odorless, and tasteless. There would be no clouds of gas to be seen, but
it is a nice theatrical effect.
"Ohhh... my _head_... Xelloss, gimme some Asprin."
"There you go." Xelloss smiled again. For once, he wasn't saying that
posession of asprin was a secret- which probably meant there was
something up.
Perhaps a bit of explanation is in order, for those who missed the
teaser, to show what Xelloss is, and how he is giving her the aspirin.
"OoooohhhhhyaaaaAAAHHHH!" Zel yawned as he woke up. Loudly. "Hey, Lina!
I'm picking up a distress call. Spaceborne."
"Why tell me?"
"Because it's the supercarrier 'Revelation of Darkness', that's why."
*****
<High Orbit>
Here be dragons...
Correction, here be Dragon Dreadnaughts. If you're slow, they're
indistinguishable from Dragons. But here we have the luck to see sixty
of them at once, the pride of the Ceipheedian Alliance, attacking a
Mazoku Empire supercarrier with all their slaved weapons. [:P] The one
reason for all these to be attacking one supercarrier at once is because
of the cargo.
Perhaps a little eavesdropping on ULF will help...
By ULF, I assume you mean Ultra Low Frequency radio. If they are using
ULF radio, I hope they aren't in any kind of hurry. ULF frequencies are
extremely low - consequently their wavelengths are extremely large. So
large as to make transmission time for any meaningful message drag on
for upwards of an hour.
As an example, the U.S. Navy uses VLF and ELF radio to communicate with
their submarines - and their ballistic missile submarines in particular.
These bands of radio energy will propagate through the ocean very well,
as opposed to a more useful band such as VHF or UHF. The problem is as I
have mentioned above: long transmission times. Standard procedure would
be to transmit a one to three character call sign specific to the sub
you wished to talk to. The sub would receive the ELF or VLF commo, and
come to periscope depth where it could raise an antenna above the
surface of the water to receive the high frequency signals from the
satellite or whatever.
"Say again, Any Mazoku forces in area, assistance required-"
"All reactors overloading- those that haven't been hit..."
Not really, ne?
We'll have to go aboard.
A tall man, with black hair is walking down a corridor. He stumbles as
the ship shudders; a pair of officers beside him grab his arms to stop
him falling. As he regains his balance, we see that his eyes are
artificial- and red. Ruby red.
comma after 'hair'
"Star-Marshal, you really should escape."
"Nonsense. I try to get out, I'll be shot down or captured. I'll take my
chances in here."
"But Lord Sha-"
Back to an outside view, as crippling explosions run through the
supercarrier. Chunks of hull metal fly through the endless void of
space, and the Dragon Dreadnaughts head off towards the planet.
I don't think this departure into first person narrative works very
well. It isn't very compatible with your opening style. Unless the
Star-Marshall really survives, there isn't much need to introduce him at
all with this scene. Just have Zel relay what he thinks is going on up
in orbit and leave it at that.
*****
"Woah. Transmissions just cut out."
'Whoa'
<snip>
*****
Zel was waiting for the girls to finish. Lina had dumped her kit over
the biochips, to stop any of them getting a cheap thrill, but their
sensors were still operational.
Which means... what?
Xel and Zel had noticed something nasty in the water.
There's just something wrong with this... Xel and Zel...
"I think we'd better tell Lina that there's something in there with
them."
"Hey! I've got an accurate readout on what it is!"
"And...?"
"That is a secret."
For the next few seconds, there was a synthesised thumping as Zel beat
his head against the front of his biochip.
This part would have worked better if you had told us who was talking in
which parts. Until I got to the "secret" part, I had no idea.
*****
*giggle* "Hey, Lina, Stop tickling!"
Lina bobbed some five metres away.
"Eh? I'm over here!"
"Then who...BLUB!" Amelia was dragged downinto the depths suddenly.
'was suddenly dragged down into the depths'
"XEL! KNIFE! NOW!"
I know that Lina is the one saying this, but perhaps a little bit
showing her reaction before she shouts would work better here - and
without taking from the urgency of the moment.
The knife was ejected over her head, into the pool. Lina grabbed it
before it sank too far, and started swimming downwards as fast as she
could, knife between her teeth.
<snip>
This thing had been a snake, some twenty generations ago. Now it was
midway between a snake and an octopus. And it was not nice. It was
feeding of anything that found its way into the pools around here, and
was far too nasty to be killed.
'feeding off' drop the 'around here' after 'pools'
So far.
Amelia would have been turning blue, but she was already blue, so she
couldn't.
Come again...?
A flash of desperate blue and red went past her, and Lina
jammed her knife in the beast's back. Grabbing Amelia, she started the
long swim up the shaft. Looking back, Lina saw the thing heading up
towards them. Slowly.
Lina burst from the water, dragging Amelia with her.
Two seconds later, so did the creature.
"PEEK-A-BOO!"
"EAT THIS!"
"OOOOHOOHOHOOHOHOOOHO!"
<Insert sounds of gunfire and grenades here.>
A few minutes later, Amelia and Lina looked with distaste at the pool.
"Ewww..." said Amelia. "I left my soap in there."
"Well, I'm not going to get it," said Lina. "It's... icky now."
That was true. The pool was red from blood, and most of the creatures
insides were floating on the top.
"creature's"
"Um... Lina?"
"Yes, Zel?"
"Would you mind putting some clothes on?"
So if Lina was nekkid, what was the red and blue flash that Amelia saw?
I can make the hair/red connection, but the blue? Is Lina a G.I. in
every sense of the original G.I. appearance? If so, this needs to be
pointed out sooner to the readers who are unfamiliar with "Rogue
Trooper."
Looking round, Lina saw that Gourry was practically passed out, while
Xelloss was not quite himself. Zel was looking away.
*****
Deep below them, something was swimming.
*****
Lina, half dressed, looked round and saw something that didn't seem
right.
In fact it was one-hundred percent wrong.
The blue colour was coming off Amelia's skin.
Amelia looked round to see Gourry levelled at her head.
"Lina-san? What's up?"
"You're not a GI, that's what. Now who the hell are you and what are you
doing here?"
"Okay..." Amelia sat down. "First, my name is Amelia, and I'm a trained
soldier. Before the war," She sighed, "I was a scientist. Specialising
in Genetics. I was on the program that created you."
lowercase 's' in "she sighed"
Lina lowered Gourry. "So what are you doing here?"
"I was assigned to keep an eye on the GI's. There was a mix-up in the
drop zones. You were meaant to fight a big campaign in the Southern half
of this continent, and the coordinates were snafued."
extra 'a' in 'meant'
Not a bad piece of work, but you might want to pick a narrative style
and stick with it. The shifts from third person to first person and back
don't work well here. The story also needs more introduction to let
readers unfamiliar with "Rogue Trooper" get into it with a minimum of
confusion.
Slowly, it moves the mouse cursor up to the 'send' button, and slithers
off into the darkness...
Jamie