ANIME LAWS UNVEILED!
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Life, The Universe and Everything else important for survival
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1. Seasons run like so: Spring, Summer, Winter, Summer, Fall, Spring,
Winter, Spring, Fall, Summer, Winter, Fall. (Or in a similiar nonsense
fashion.)
2. Takahashi worlds have 286 months a year. And each month is about 42
days. This means you have 12,012 days a year. So, about 45.3 Real
World years equal 1 Takahashi year. This also means that if you were to
train, you could get to Ranma's level within half a Takahashi year.
That also means when you should be 61-68 in the Real World, you'd just
be finishing a grade in a Takahashi School.
Corrollary - The reason that no one seems to notice Time's
malfunctionings is simple. It's because Time is SEP (Somebody Else's
Problem - Douglas Adams). Thus, no one notices it because they think it
is Somebody Else's Problem. Not to mention that they wouldn't know that
time was screwed up to begin with. This is how they've lived for years.
3. Gravity is relative and localized. Gravity only affects you when
you are in contact with the ground. Once you leave the ground, you are
then able to jump as though you had a jetpack on. You can hover, float,
flip, spin, etc. and you won't touch the ground until you want to or
until a tiny voice in your head says "Time's up. Let's go back down."
4. Martial Arts are easier to learn in a fighting universe than they
are in the Real World.
5. Chi/Ki/Qi is difficult to manipulate AT FIRST. Once you get used to
it, you have an infinite amount of it. You just have to NEED it. A
hero defending a young maiden will have 182 times more Ki than a villian
who is just doing this for kicks will have.
Corrollary - Ki is also what keeps heroes and villians alike alive
through impossible odds. Ex. A hero/heroine is hit by a bazooka shell
while falling into a meat grinder, but will survive if he/she has enough
Ki. A villian/villianess can have his/her heads cut off, but if they
have enough Ki, they can survive long enough to reattach the head or
just grow another.
6. Once you have learned to use your Chi/Ki/Qi, you instantly learn to
fly/super jump.
7. If you do not want to learn how to fight, but want to learn how to
fly anyways, you must use the Douglas Adams approach. There's an art,
or rather, a knack to flying. The basic principal is to throw yourself
at the ground and miss. To do this, you must train by jumping off a
high tree/ledge/rock/etc. Then, you must distract yourself at the
critical moment. The voice in your head that says "We should be
falling" should be silenced violently during this moment. When you have
successfully missed the ground, you will find yourself floating. You
should practice floating, hovering and such before actually trying to
fly. Ignore any naysayers who says you shouldn't be flying. They are
stupid and will cause you to fall. Once you've gotten this down, you
will invariably want to touch down on the ground. You will find that it
becomes easier and easier to begin flying as you practice.
8. Find out who's going to be the most dangerous rival/enemy and then
DON'T PISS THEM OFF! Many SI characters have been killed because of
this one stupid move.
9. NEVER, EVER utter the words "Things can't possible go wrong",
"Things can't possibly get any worse" or the ever dreaded "Don't worry,
I know what I'm doing". And especially, unless you want to give someone
a heart attack, never say "Oops" when you are assigned to do a
delicate/intricate/EXCESSIVELY important task that could annihilate the
continent if you make the tiniest mistake.
Corrollary - Never trust someone who says "Trust me", "That is a
secret" or "Come on, it'll be fun!".
10. If possible, become a mech pilot. And don't be too cocky. Cocky
people tend to die. And try not to become a friend/rival of any main
character. You will, inevitably, die a gruesome death that'll plague
them. Try to be as much of a 'person I just saw around a lot' to them.
Corrollary - If you do become a mech pilot, and the mechs are fairly
common (Robotech), then try to STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM THE FLAG SHIP!!
The flag ship will inevitably be attacked by a random force and it
inevitably use it's main cannon. Another reason you want to stay away
from the flag ship is because you don't want to get caught in front of
it when it DOES fire it's main cannon.
11. Do NOT try to break up a love triangle. Especially if you have to
get involved to do it. Work through third-hand rumor, mysterious phone
calls, and mysteriously
left-behind-items-that-shouldn't-be-there-unless-the-person-has-begun-to-dress-in-drag
(or in some cases,
items-that-shouldn't-be-there-unless-the-person-has-begun-to-dress-appropriately).
12. Love triangles. Don't even try to get out of one. The more you
try, the deeper you get. Just look at Ranma and Tenchi. The last thing
they wanted to be in was a love triangle and *BAM*, they have 4+ girls
after them.
13. Yes, there is a thirteen. Stop being so darn superstitious.
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With Enemies Like These, Who Needs Friends?
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14. Whatever you do, don't get too deep into a rut that lets your
skills rust. Because the instant you let your guard down, you'll get a
rival. The more you've slipped, the tougher the enemy will be. In
fact, you'll most likely require a training session to get back up to
performance.
15. Try not to defeat someone so overwhelmingly. If you do, you'll
wind up taking on someone about 8 to 92,455 times stronger within eight
years. This is known as the Dragon Ball Z Pattern.
16. Do NOT try and destroy anyone to help out someone else, especially
if that someone else is a kind, compassionate person. It'll most likely
backfire.
17. Don't trust that, when you push someone off a cliff/into a
river/knock them off a plane/etc., they'll be killed. They'll ALWAYS
survive and come back 200 times stronger (or at least more willing to
fight) and kill you by making your head explode. This is known as the
Fist Of The Northstar Effect.
18. Good guys will win they have a just cause to win (revenge for their
father or mother/you kidnapped their girl/you stole their pocky in the
eighth grade/etc.). This is the everlasting HERO pattern.
Corrollary - Bad guys will win if the good guys are off-guard, just
plain stupid, or if the good guys get corrupted. This is known as the
M.D. Geist Pattern.
19. The Bad guys usually have one or two servants (this can vary
depending on the kind of followers they have) that don't agree with what
they're doing. They will give up/help the hero, etc. Use this to your
advantage, but be wary. If they come to you and say they don't like
their path and that they'll lead you back into their fortress, it will
be (nine times out of ten) a trap.
20. If you are captured, you'll most likely, depending on how arrogant
or boisterious the bad guy is, be put into a trap that 'Unescapeable'
and left alone. The trap is not unescapeable. You just have to look
for the way out. Flailing wildly and pulling at any restraints is
useless. Your best bet is to slip out of the bonds. If you find that
you actually CAN'T get out of the trap, THEN start flailing wildly and
hit things hard. You mostly knocked, rip or otherwise damage the one
weak spot and you'll be able to get out. (note: make sure you remember
which way the door opened because if you damage it, you want someone to
_at least_ be able to open the door). If this doesn't work, you'll most
likely be saved, unless you're double-dang sure no one knows that you
were caught (they will if you've ignored everything after the first line
in rule 10).
21. Beware when taking up any romantic interests. Especially in worlds
with less than stable people. The people are more likely to become
unbalanced at your entrance into their world.
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Worlds Apart or Crossover Headaches!
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22. Should you suddenly get into a crossover, you need to oblige in the
Crossover Rules From Hell (TM). (note to the authors: Crossovers are
fine, but make sure that the worlds are comparable. If one side or the
other will need excessive training to even be useful, you probably
shouldn't make the crossover. Shaggy from Scooby Doo is NOT going to be
able to pull off Vegita's Big Bang Attack without some really _BIG_ ).
23. Should you find yourself in a Fusion, prepare for a few headaches.
(note to authors: Fusions are good for humor. Bad for angst. Sorry,
but with Fusions, angst just doesn't work well)
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Any possible additions or corrections send to: akun15@hotmail.com
Ben McCrillis <aka. A-kun> <aka. Sailor Scottish>
reply at akun15@hotmail.com
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