[We see a large circular room divided into twelve
segments by a series of painted spokes on the floor
radiating out from a twelve-sided table in the middle of
the room. The table had an open space inside it with
three chairs. Each chair is occupied by a Chinese
Amazon. The first chair is occupied by Dowel, a young
Amazon of about twelve years of age. She has short blue
hair. The middle chair is occupied by a bored looking
middle-aged woman with long green hair. Her name is
Soft Soap. Finally, a serene old woman with long grey
hair sits in the third chair, idly playing with a set of
finger spheres. Her name is Back Scratcher. Shampoo
and her mother, Conditioner, are standing in the segment
marked 'delta' on the floor. (Marked with the greek letter
delta, which resembles a triangle) Everyone is speaking
in Chinese in this scene.]
Shampoo: WHAT? Showercap did WHAT?
Dowel: She's petitioned the High Court to finally settle
the issue of your marriage, marriages, or not getting
married. This has dragged on for too long.
Conditioner: My grandmother, Cologne, has taken
measures to settle this.
Soft Soap: [shakes her head] If it had just been Ranma,
we would have left this in your hands, but since multiple
possible husbands are involved...Seriously, you have three
potential husbands, and this can't be allowed to drag on
like this.
Shampoo: I only have ONE possible husband! Ranma!
Back Scratcher: [pulls out photos of Shampoo being
defeated by Ranma, Mousse, and Gosunkugi] These look
convincing to me!
Shampoo: [grabs the photos and stares at them] These
are blurry!
Back Scratcher: [pulls down the glasses which Shampoo
had up on top of her head] Try again.
Shampoo: Hey, how did Showercap get pictures of any of
these? She wasn't THERE!
Dowel: So you admit it's true.
Shampoo: I don't admit ANYTHING!
Conditioner: So now what happens?
Soft Soap: We summon them all, and then we have a
formal marital trial.
Conditioner: Which consists of?
Back Scratcher: First we conduct a thorough
investigation to determine if all of the victories
happened fairly. Then all the potential husbands compete
to see who marries Shampoo.
Shampoo: I'm not going to marry Mousse even if he
somehow causes Ranma to turn into a potato.
Conditioner: What if the winner refuses to marry her?
Dowel: Then he can file for a divorce. Granted, only
about one in ten men survive a divorce trial, but that's
what they get for being weak.
Shampoo: What if I want the divorce?
Back Scratcher: [tosses a scroll to Shampoo] You have to
perform the rite of Divorce. It's explained in here.
Shampoo: Thank you, honored Elder.
Conditioner: What if the men don't show up in time for
the trial?
Dowel: Then whoever shows up first marries Shampoo.
Shampoo: But...Mousse LIVES HERE!
Soft Soap: [as if addressing a very small child] Yes. He
does.
Shampoo: But that means...I'd have to marry him!
Back Scratcher: It's good to know you haven't gone deaf.
Shampoo: [jumping up and down] Why should I have to
marry Mousse just because he LIVES HERE?
Dowel: If you sue a tree, what would it pay you in?
Back Scratcher: The Law that can be understood is not
the Law.
[Long pause. They both turn and stare at Soft Soap]
Soft Soap: Why is Sartre so boring?
[Back Scratcher and Dowel both stare hard at Soft Soap]
Soft Soap: Ummm...Sorry, I couldn't think of a good koan.
Shampoo: If I punt you into space, will you make a
sound?
Back Scratcher: See, it's not hard, Soft Soap.
[Dowel groans]
***************
Furinkan Summer #15
http://www.tass.org/~rhea/Stories/RPlace/
"The Court of 'Ferocious Amazon Womens'
or
Rumbottle of the Old Bailey"
By John Biles
"Summer Fields"--The FS Theme.
My anger hides a loving heart;
My anger drives us far apart.
Only your love can heal the pain,
For it's your smile that brings the rain
That helps love's fields to grow.
Walk with me through summer's field
So we can help our hearts to heal.
Stride through the grass and smell the air
Under the sun without a care.
I want to walk with you.
We hid our love behind our pride,
Never letting others inside.
To end those lies must be our task;
Tear down the walls; Throw out the masks
We used to hide from love.
Walk with me through summer's field
So we can help our hearts to heal.
Stride through the grass and smell the air
Under the sun without a care.
I want to walk with you.
Love does not end with "I Love You",
Not if what the things we said were true.
We have to strive to make it grow.
We have to let our feelings show
Else love will fade like dew.
****************************
[We see Ranma, Akane, Ukyou, Gosunkugi, Akemi, Ryouga
and Nabiki sitting in a plane. Nabiki is busy pouring
through a set of books titled, 'Amazon Marital Law' and
taking notes. ]
Ukyou: You really think you can learn that fast enough?
Nabiki: Well, unless you REALLY think you're going to be
able to talk an Amazon into helping you all out, it's up to
me to save your bacon as usual.
[Ranma frowns slightly]
Ryouga: Nabiki can do it. She's not an idiot like Ranma.
Ranma: I am not an idiot! You're not exactly an expert in
Amazon law yourself, Ryouga!
Akane: Can it! [frowns at both of them] No brawls on the
plane!
[We see Akemi is going over a book titled 'Amazon
Divorce Code']
Akemi: Weird.
Gosunkugi: What's weird?
Akemi: Part of the Amazon rite of Divorce for women
has to be pronounced while standing in a bucket of water.
Ranma: Jyusenkyo Water?
Akemi: No, just water. Stand naked in the bucket and
proclaim about three pages of various ritual curses on
your soon-to-be-ex-husband. You have to perform the
entire rite precisely in order to get the divorce, but it's
all. No reason needed for it. [pages through the book]
The man has to go to Divorce Court if he wants one.
Acceptable grounds are: abandonment more than two
decades, wife severs both of his legs or either of his
arms, wife becomes a swamp monster, wife gives birth
only to boys (after the third boy in a row), wife
renounces membership in the Amazon tribe, wife
becomes a purple dinosaur, wife eats one of the couple's
children or either of the man's parents, wife attempts to
force the husband to assassinate the emperor of China
with a stick, wife only feeds husband mudpies, wife
castrates husband when he didn't deserve it.
Ranma: ...
Akane: Not too many divorces initiated by men, I take it.
Ryouga: What if she made him try to assassinate the
Emperor of China with something else?
Akemi: It doesn't say. [pages through the book] He can
sue her for a year's supply of rice-a-roni, but not get a
divorce.
Ranma: So, like, what should we expect besides getting
into trouble when we arrive?
Nabiki: Don't even BREATHE unless I tell you. The
Amazons have 3.5 million laws. Half of them result in
the death penalty. The other half just make you wish you
were dead. Especially, especially, don't leave milk out in
the sun for days.
Akane: Death penalty?
Nabiki: It curdles. Curdled milk is REALLY disgusting.
[Everyone face faults]
*********
[Our little band of litigants is greeted at the outskirts of
the Amazon village by Showercap and two younger
Amazons. One of them is wearing a curly blonde wig and
could easily pass as an eighteenth century British judge
in the outfit she's wearing if any eighteenth century
judges had been female. She is taking a swig from a
bottle as the group approaches. The other has long green
hair and is smartly dressed in a business suit that looks
quite out of place in the village. She is rather portly. ]
Showercap: Greetings! I am her surpreme intelligence,
the all knowing, all wise, all benevolent, Grand High
Matriarch and General Font of Wisdom, Showercap. These
are my granddaughters, Rumbottle [points to the drinking
one] and Mason Jar [points to the other one], who have
been appointed by the court at my recommendation to
defend Gosunkugi and Ranma respectively.
Nabiki: [frowns] I was going to defend them.
Mason Jar: [speaking with a deep rumbling voice] Have
you passed the Bar Exam?
Nabiki: I'll be happy to give it my best shot.
************
[The little band of litigants and Showercap's legal
assistance brigade are now in the central plaza of the
Amazon village. Ranma recognizes the nearby table and
the pit of sand with a log hung over it from his last
village. A collection of Amazons in various garb derived
somewhat from that of various legal traditions are
scattered about the log, armed with briefcases and
judge's hammers.]
Showercap: To pass the bar, you must reach the log,
climb onto it, stay there for five minutes, then get off it
on the far side without being knocked out. They will be
barraging you with legal questions. As long as you
continue to answer them correctly, they aren't allowed
to hit you. Each wrong answer gets you hit. If you pass
out, you have to wait six months before trying to pass
the bar exam again.
Nabiki: [thinking] I should have just let Ranma get stuck
marrying Shampoo.
Showercap: Ready?
Nabiki: Not really.
Showercap: [pulls out a stopwatch] Too bad. Go!
[Nabiki sprints for the log, but is intercepted by an
Amazon dressed as a policewoman]
'Policewoman': Name the Fundamental Principles of
Amazon Law.
Nabiki: Everyone has rights and duties. The duck stops
here. Three rights make a left. Two wrongs don't make a
right, but they can be a lot more fun. Semper Ubi Sub
Ubu. The Woman is Always Right. Obstacles are for killing.
Cleanliness is next to godliness, but a strong left hook is
more important. Mind Control is your Friend. Technicalities
are nothing. Honor is everything. Obey your Thirst. Obsession.
[The policewoman gets out of the way and Nabiki
continues, vaulting over an Amazon in a suit]
Nabiki: [thinking] I can't believe I actually did that
successfully!
[Suddenly, she realizes she can't move foward. Looking
back, she sees the suited amazon is holding her collar]
Suited Amazon: State Amazon Property Law #56.
Nabiki: In a dispute between a man and a woman over
who owns something, the woman owns it.
[The woman nods and Nabiki turns to run, only to be
confronted by an Amazon carrying a huge pickaxe]
Pickaxe carrier: What is your favorite color?
Nabiki: That's not a legal question!
Pickaxe carrier: Umm...What's the best kind of club to
use in a water trap?
Nabiki: [irritated] Neither is that one. What's the
penalty for obstructing a bar exam?
Pickaxe carrier: I don't know.
Nabiki: [gets into a combat stance] Now I get to hit you
with my ultimate...Martial Arts Accounting attack. [rears
back ever so slowly]
Pickaxe carrier: [runs away screaming] AAAAAAA!!!!!!!
Nabiki: Bluffing is an important part of any legal system.
***********
[We see the Amazon courtroom again with the three
judges. Mousse stands in one of the spokes of the wheel
with an old woman who is somewhat short but not
totally shrunken, unlike Showercap or Cologne or the
oldest judge. She has her hair up in a net and carries a
shuffleboard pole. Gosunkugi stands nervously with
Akemi and Rumbottle in a second of the spokes. Ranma
and Nabiki are in the third. Shampoo and Cologne stand in
the fourth. Akane, Ukyou, and Ryouga are sitting on one
of the benches in another part of the courtroom. Several
dozen Amazons of various ages are sitting around,
watching, also sitting on the benches.]
Dowel: I hearby call this session of Amazon Marital
Court into session. Judges Dowel, Soft Soap and
Backscratcher presiding.
Soft Soap: Case 1: Ranma Saotome vs. Gosunkugi vs.
Mousse for the hand of Shampoo.
Back Scratcher: Are you ready to rumble?
Nabiki: My client stands ready to rumble as the court
may decree. He denies the charge of being married to
Shampoo.
Rumbottle: [takes a swig from a large rum bottle] My
client is ready to set sail with Captain Morgan.
Gosunkugi: [thinking] Followed by burial at sea. I'm
doomed. I wish Akemi had been able to pass the Amazon
bar test...
Akemi: [thinking] I wonder if we can blow up the village
as a failsafe.
Cologne: My client denies the validity of the Gosunkugi
and Mousse suits and intends to plead guilty to charges
of marriage to Ranma Saotome.
Soft Soap: Out of order! [throws a 5000 page Amazon
law tome at Cologne, who passes out] Hmm. I thought
she had a thicker skull than that.
The woman by Mousse: While my grandson should plead
the insanity defense for his desire to marry Shampoo, I,
Matriarch Hairnet, because I am excessively
compassionate to my descendents, do register his plea of
guilt in the charge of being married to Shampoo.
Showercap: [shouts from the audience] Betrayed by my
own daughter!
Rumbottle: [blinks and gazes blearily at Hairnet] Mom?
Hairnet: As much as it shames me to admit it, yes.
Rumbottle: I thought you left with that Harlock guy.
Hairnet: [shrugs] He was too depressing and kept trying
to make me wear a blonde wig.
Back Scratcher: Pleas heard and recorded. Let us
examine the evidence.
Shampoo: [sets up a home movie camera] This is the
official record of the tournament where Ranma beat
Shampoo. [shows a home movie of Ranma-chan beating
Shampoo in combat]
Nabiki: Objection. The person shown in the film is a
woman. Amazon law demands the kiss of death in such a
case, not marriage.
Shampoo: Iya! Nabiki knows that Ranma turns into a girl
when wet!
Nabiki: Such a fact has not been demonstrated.
Shampoo: [lifts a bucket of water] Shampoo will
demonstrate!
Soft Soap: Because this is Tuesday, dumping water on a
man's head is punishable by cleaning the entire village
with your tongue. Be warned.
Shampoo: Iya! Shampoo wants to call witnesses!
Back Scratcher: You may call your first witness.
Shampoo: Shampoo calls Akane Tendo to the Witness
Stand.
Akane: [looks around] I don't see a stand.
Dowel: [points to the fifth segment of the wheel]
Witnesses stand there.
[Akane goes over there]
Shampoo: Ugly Tomboy, please state your name for the
record.
Akane: I am not an ugly tomboy!
Dowel: Stop leading the witness.
Shampoo: Shampoo not leading the witless! Even though
she is witless.
Dowel: WITNESS!!!
Shampoo: [looks around] What is Shampoo supposed to
witness?
Akane: [sighs] My name is Akane Tendo.
Shampoo: Akane Tendo, does Ranma Saotome turn into a
girl when wet due to going to Jyusenkyo?
Akane: [glances over at Nabiki, who shakes her head
fervently] N...
Shampoo: Punishment for perjury in an Amazon court is
fifty years slavery.
Akane: ...
Dowel: That's not right.
Akane: [looks relieved]
Soft Soap: It's a century of slavery. Also, you spend the
first year being used to test pit depths.
Akane: [sighs] Yes. He turns into a girl when wet.
Shampoo: Was the girl in the film Ranma?
Akane: Yes.
Shampoo: Did Ranma beat Shampoo again in boy form?
Akane: Yes.
Shampoo: Is Akane Tendo an ugly worthless tomboy who
has no right to marry Ranma?
Akane: Ye...NO!
Shampoo: Your witless, Nabiki.
Nabiki: [strides as close to Akane as she can get without
leaving her wedge of the circle] How long has Shampoo
been unsuccessfully trying to get Ranma to marry her?
Akane: Over a year.
Nabiki: Has Ranma ever expressed any desire to marry
Shampoo?
Akane: He told me he wants to marry me. If he wanted to
marry Shampoo, he could have done so at any time.
Nabiki: Has Mousse ever expressed the desire to marry
Shampoo?
Akane: He can't go five minutes without saying it.
Hairnet: Actually, he's up to eight minutes now.
Mousse: I love you, SHAMPOO!!!!!
Hairnet: [resets her watch] Good things never last.
**********
[We see the sun is setting. Nabiki's cross-examination of
Akane seems to have lasted at least eight hours. Half the
audience is asleep and covered in cobwebs. Even Ranma
has fallen asleep.]
Nabiki: Did Shampoo appear in the movie Titanic?
Akane: Not as far as I can tell.
Shampoo: [shakes Cologne] Wake up, great-grandmother!
Cologne: [mumbles in her sleep] Oh yes, more,
Duchovney-sama...
Rumbottle: Objection. Line of questioning is boring.
[All three judges snore until she bounces a bottle off of
Soft Soap's head]
Soft Soap: Objection sustained.
Nabiki: I object to the objection. I'm about to show how
the Cigarette Smoking Man caused the Titanic to sink.
Dowel: [groggily] Amazon law forbids use of the X-Files
as evidence in a marital case.
Nabiki: For my next witness, I call Ranma Saotome, then.
Shampoo: Hey, Shampoo is calling witlesses!
Nabiki: Are you saying Ranma is witless?
Shampoo: Shampoo never call Ranma witless.
Nabiki: I, on the other hand, do that all the time, so I am
going to call him.
Shampoo: ... [thinking] Shampoo not sure how to deal
with that logic.
Dowel: Objection. Nabiki is exploiting the intellectually
challenged.
Back Scratcher: [clonks Dowel in the head with her back
scratcher] You're a judge. You can't raise objections.
Hairnet: Well, I object to Showercap's presence.
Ranma: I object to this entire proceding.
Rumbottle: [sees her bottle is empty] I object to running
out of rum!
[The room dissolves into a sea of objections]
Back Scratcher: This court is adjourned for the day. We
will resume tomorrow.
Showercap: I object!
[Back Scratcher throws the Book at her. Soon, Showercap
joins the legion of sleepers]
***********
[We see Nabiki, Ukyou, Ranma and Akane camped out on
pallets in a guest house]
Ukyou: Hey, where did Gosunkugi and Akemi go?
Nabiki: They're talking to Hairnet.
Ranma: [frowns] About what?
Nabiki: Some Amazon law stuff.
Akane: So, are we winning or losing?
Nabiki: Unless Shampoo goes berserk and tries to kill the
judges, or I manage to bore them to death, it's almost
certainly going to come down to judicial combat between
the potential husbands. In which case, we're doomed.
Ranma: [sits up] Whaddya mean, we're doomed? I could
kick Gosunkugi's butt while dead, and I could take Mousse
any day of the week.
Nabiki: Whoever wins all the fights marries Shampoo.
Ukyou: We're doomed.
Ranma: Hey, all I have to do is throw...yeah, we're
doomed. [sighs]
Akane: Can't he just go out and surrender immediately?
Nabiki: You think Ranma's gonna be able to give up with
an entire village watching?
Ukyou: Like I said...
Ranma: Hey, I ain't THAT stupid. If it gets me out of
having to marry Shampoo, I can throw a fight.
**********
[We see Mousse heading towards Low Earth Orbit. Ranma
is standing and staring at his fist]
Ranma: Damn you! Why won't you ever LISTEN to me?
[His fist is silent, for obvious reasons]
Shampoo: Kick Gosunkugi's butt, Airen!
[We see Gosunkugi, who is dressed up in the gunslinger
outfit again, sitting by Akemi, Nabiki, and Hairnet in the
stands. The fighting is being conducted in the heart of
the Amazon village, with most of its population up in the
stands watching the fight]
Gosunkugi: [to Hairnet] Are you sure this is going to be
legal?
Hairnet: It's no holds barred combat; the only limit is
that you can't be helped by another human being and if
you hurt someone besides the person you're fighting, you
lose. No detonating an atomic bomb in the middle of the
village to win, for example.
Nabiki: ...
Back Scratcher: [from the judges' bench] First Victory
to Ranma. Next Match. Ranma versus Gosunkugi.
Gosunkugi: [walks out into the middle, wearing a water
pistol on his belt and carrying a hinged box] You ready,
Ranma?
Ranma: [focusing his willpower] I...I...surr...
Shampoo: Kick his butt, Airen! Any real man would
stomp him flat!
Ranma: [winces as if struck]
Dowel: Yeah! You can take this wimp!
Soft Soap: We're not supposed to take sides, Dowel.
We're JUDGES.
Dowel: Yeah, but only a total lose could get beaten by a
pale, sickly total loser like this Gosunkugi guy.
[We see Akemi fuming up in the stands. Ranma winces
again and tries to speak, but no words come out]
Gosunkugi: [opens the box] I thought it would come to
this. Here, kitty, kitty. [A cat runs out, and Gosunkugi
picks it up] You wanna hold her, Ranma?
Ranma: [freezes up] C...c...cat...
Gosunkugi: [draws and fires his pistol with one hand]
One-shot mouse water. [Ranma is innudated. Instant
Mousie] It'll only transform you once, but that's all I
need.
Ranma-Mouse: Narf!
Gosunkugi: [puts down the cat] Catch the mousie, kitty.
[Ranma-mouse takes off running with the cat in hot
pursuit. Akane and Ukyou both get up and go running after
Ranma-mouse]
Shampoo: You...you're going to get Airen eaten! [starts to
charge down from the stands, but Cologne restrains her]
Cologne: If you interfere in a judicial combat...
Shampoo: But what if airen gets eaten?
Back Scratcher: Well, this match goes to Gosunkugi. Use
of cats in combat is allowed by the eighth law of the
nine hundredth Olympiad.
Hairspray: Of course.
Back Scratcher: Someone find Mousse, so we can settle
this.
Mousse: [staggers into the arena] Here I am.
Soft Soap: Mousse versus Gosunkugi. FIGHT!
Gosunkugi: [gets down on his hands and knees] I yield.
[Everyone is silent, then the benches erupt into
arguments as everyone begins to discuss what this
means in legal terms. The three judges whisper among
themselves. Akane and Ukyou return with a dripping wet
Ranma]
Back Scratcher: After much discussion, we have decided
there must be a tiebreaker round, since each of the would
be husbands has one win and one loss. The winner of this
will officially be Shampoo's husband.
[Everyone looks tense, except Hairnet, who looks amused]
Soft Soap: Amazons do not prize only strength. We also
prize cunning and intelligence.
Dowel: A nice butt doesn't hurt.
Soft Soap: As I was saying, this test will be a contest of
intelligence and wit. An ancient Chinese contest of
strategy and luck.
Dowel: A strip tease.
[Soft Soap and Back Scratcher whip out a sack, pop Dowel
into it, and tie her up]
Back Scratcher: Wei-chi.
Ranma: Wei-chi?
Soft Soap: You Japanese people call it Go.
Ranma: How do you do Martial Go?
Back Scratcher: Regular Go.
Ranma: What, just putting stones on a board?
Back Scratcher: There's some other form?
Ranma: I may need CPR after I die of boredom.
**********
[We see everyone watching Gosunkugi and Mousse's
match]
Ranma: They're good.
Nabiki: I think you set a land speed record for losing at
Go, Ranma.
Ranma: [irritated] Pop taught me Shogi, not Go.
Akane: Well, at least we don't have to worry.
Ukyou: I feel kinda sorry for Shampoo. Whoever wins,
she's stuck with someone she doesn't want.
Nabiki: She'll just divorce him. But it will be over.
[gives a relaxed sigh] And that's what we wanted.
Akane: I'm surprised Gosunkugi didn't just resign
immediately.
Ranma: He's probably the same way about this that I am
about fighting. I mean...it ain't easy to just give up when
you know you could win. That you should win.
[He hears Shampoo sobbing a few benches away and
winces]
Akane: [looks around] Where has Ryouga wandered off to,
anyway?
Nabiki: Mousse's sister is taking him somewhere.
Akane: Where?
Nabiki: Not much point in coming to China without at
least TRYING to get some man-drown water, eh?
Ranma: I don't think Jyusenkyo will let go of us any time
soon.
Nabiki: Insurance for my eventual wedding night.
Akane: Hmm. Good idea.
[Mousse lays a final stone. Gosunkugi stares at the
board, and sighs]
Gosunkugi: No legal moves for me. You win. [stands up]
Good game.
Mousse: Woo! Woo! [dances around]
Back Scratcher: Well, that about sums this up. Mousse
wins, which breaks the tie from the first round. We now
declare Shampoo and Mousse husband and wife.
Shampoo: SHAMPOO NEVER MARRY MOUSSE!
Mousse: Shampoo, my love! [charges through the stands,
only to be kicked into orbit by Shampoo, Showercap, and
Cologne in unison]
Cologne: Well, you can divorce him.
Shampoo: Shampoo can't say the ritual curses while
standing in a bucket of water! She'll turn into a cat.
Cats can't talk. [cries]
Nabiki: [walks over to Shampoo, grinning] Let's make a
deal.
**********
[It is night. We see Ranma up on the roof of the Guest
House, which is tiled]
Akane: [from the ground] You coming to bed?
Ranma: In a little bit. I just wanna look at the stars for
a while. Goodnight, Akane-chan.
Akane: Goodnight, Ranma. [goes inside]
[A few seconds later, a tear streaked Shampoo leaps onto
the roof from a nearby house]
Shampoo: Shampoo not happy.
Ranma: [sighs] I'm sorry, Shampoo. I don't want to
marry you.
Shampoo: But why? Why Airen help others make
Shampoo marry Mousse?
Ranma: Didn't you divorce him?
Shampoo: Well, yes, even though Shampoo have to turn
into boy to do it. Shampoo rather be boy when wet than
cat, though. [kneels in front of Ranma] Why Ranma not
want to marry Shampoo?
Ranma: You're not what I'm looking for in a woman.
Shampoo: Ranma want flat-chested tomboy woman who
can't cook? [looks confused]
Ranma: She's kind to me.
Shampoo: Shampoo always kind to Ranma!
Ranma: When she smiles at me, I just feel warm inside.
Shampoo: Shampoo smile at Ranma all the time!
Ranma: She never tries to control my mind with magic.
Shampoo: Shampoo... [sighs] Shampoo just...Shampoo
loves Ranma.
Ranma: Why?
Shampoo: [sits down cross-legged] Ranma is honest and
strong and brave and loyal. And smart. You're the only
man Shampoo could never outsmart.
Ranma: [smiles] Thank you, Shampoo. No one ever calls
me smart.
Shampoo: Shampoo so strong, no one here could beat her.
Shampoo was afraid she'd be alone all her life until
Shampoo meet you. And only silly Mousse even tried.
Ranma: He loves you, Shampoo.
Shampoo: But Shampoo doesn't love him!
Ranma: [sighs] I'm sorry, Shampoo, but I love Akane, not
you. [she begins to cry again] Shampoo, crying won't
help.
Shampoo: [shouts at Ranma] Shampoo cry when she is
sad, okay? [starts] Shampoo have real emotions too, you
know! [pounds on Ranma's chest] Not everything Shampoo
does is intended to make people do what Shampoo wants!
Airen made Shampoo cry because Shampoo isn't happy,
dammit!
Ranma: [nervously] I'm...I'm sorry, Shampoo. That's part
of why I let this all drag on so long. I never wanted to
make you cry.
Shampoo: [still crying] Shampoo not know what to do
now.
Ranma: Uh...whatever Amazons do here. [pauses] Thank
you for all the stuff you've taught me, Shampoo.
Shampoo: Huh?
Ranma: I wouldn't be half as good as I am without all the
stuff you and the old troll taught me.
Shampoo: [sadly] Can Shampoo ask Ranma for one thing
before he goes back to Japan?
Ranma: Uh, sure.
Shampoo: Can Shampoo have just one kiss before she
never sees you again? Shampoo never really been kissed.
Ranma: [nervously] O...okay. [thinking] Just this once
won't hurt. I mean, I guess she's right. I'll never see her
again and stuff. [speaking] Close your eyes.
Shampoo: [closes her eyes tightly] Come and get me,
Airen.
Ranma: [leans forward nervously. Time seems to slow
down as if he was Xeno's turtle] You ready, Shampoo?
Shampoo: Shampoo born ready.
Ranma: [looks around nervously, then finally pecks her on
the lips. He starts to pull back, but she embraces him
and pulls him into a soul sucking, air loss inducing kiss.
Finally, she releases him and sighs] Wow.
Shampoo: [stands up] Goodbye, Airen. Shampoo never
forget you.
Ranma: [stands up and bows] I'll never forget you either,
Shampoo. Come by and visit us some time.
Shampoo: [sighs] Shampoo suspects that would not be a
good idea. But maybe some day. When Amazons conquer
the world. [laughs faintly] Try not to die from Tomboy's
cooking, Airen.
Ranma: Easier said than done.
[They both laugh]
Shampoo: May the gods watch over you, may you always
be victorious, and may you have many strong daughters to
carry on your line. [bows]
Ranma: May...uh...Kick Mousse's butt for me, sometimes,
okay?
Shampoo: [laughs again] With pleasure.
Ranma: Good luck, Shampoo. When you get married, send
me an invitation.
Shampoo: If Shampoo ever get married.
Ranma: You will. You just gotta find someone you like
and then throw the fight if he isn't strong enough.
Shampoo: [sarcastically] Ranma already demonstrated
how 'easy' it is to throw a fight when you're a real
warrior.
Ranma: [laughs nervously] If I could find so many people
wanting to marry me, so can you, Shampoo. And you will.
Shampoo: Shampoo not so sure. [stares at the ground]
Ranma: [pulls out a small ornate box] I got this from a
woman in a magic book Santa gave me. [hands it to
Shampoo] She said to open it when I was most desperate,
but the way you look...you need it more than me.
Shampoo: [blinks] A woman?
Ranma: In the book, she made Jyusenkyo. There were
Amazons too. And stuff. Anyway, you can have it.
Although I'm not sure what it does.
Shampoo: [twitches] Airen got this from a book?
Ranma: Is it something bad?
Shampoo: [cracks open the box and peeks inside, then
smiles] Ranma never learn story of Pandora?
Ranma: Was that the Panda King?
Shampoo: Pandora let all the evils of the world out of a
box where they were locked up, but the box still had one
thing left inside it.
Ranma: What...that box?
Shampoo: [nods]
Ranma: I've been carrying all the evils of the world
around?
Shampoo: What was left in the box, was hope. [smiles at
Ranma] Which I needed.
Ranma: Umm...why did a box with all the evils of the
world have hope in it?
Shampoo: Shampoo never said story made sense. Neither
does life. Shampoo thinks that's the point. [steps over
and pecks Ranma on the cheek] But Shampoo glad Airen
like her enough to give her such a valuable present.
Goodbye, Airen. [runs off]
Ranma: So why keep hope locked up in a...[shakes his
head] I'm going to bed.
************
[We see Akane talking to Akemi and Gosunkugi as they
pack their stuff and get ready to leave the next morning]
Akane: I've been meaning to ask you guys about this. I
don't know anyone else who could tell...are Ryouga and
Nabiki still under a love spell?
Akemi: No. [trying desperately to fit a wall scroll into
her purse; this was never intended by nature to work]
Akane: ...
Gosunkugi: I can tell you from experience that love
magic usually malfunctions and even when it does work,
it doesn't last for long. Those love cookies aren't that
powerful.
Akane: Actually, it was magic water Cologne had.
Gosunkugi: [trying to fit a ceramic cow into his suitcase]
It's one of those things where it may have started out
funky, but it's real now. You've seen them bicker. People
under the influence of love magic don't ever fight.
Akane: [finishes packing her suitcase] It just doesn't
seem right to me.
Gosunkugi: Do either of them care?
Akane: No.
Gosunkugi: Did either of them do it deliberately to
control the other one?
Akane: It was an accident.
Gosunkugi: [sighs] Love often is. As we say in my
family, if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Akemi: Not that your dad ever fixes it if it is broke.
Gosunkugi: [laughs] Well, yes.
Akane: It just doesn't seem right. They were forced into
it.
Akemi: Like you and Ranma.
Akane: It's not the same! We had a choice.
Gosunkugi: You never sounded like you had one. [jumps up
and down on his suitcase to close it, with no success]
Akane: Well, we...uh...We love each other. So it doesn't
matter.
Akemi: Exactly.
***********
[Back in Japan, we see Nodoka and Genma with her
parents]
Nodoka: We are heartily sorry for what happened.
Genma: [grovelling] Please let us back in our own house!
Grandpa Tanuki: What was that about a mouse?
Grandma Tanuki: [sighs] I am sorry for what happened,
daughter. Of course you can move back in. I should not
have thrown you out for what that vulgar girl did. I have
gone this long without gutting your husband like a fish, I
should have enough patience to go a while longer.
Genma: No more hotel room?
Grandpa Tanuki: However, we won't stand for Ranma
marrying that vulgar girl.
Genma: But getting the two of them married is one of the
only two promises I've kept in my entire life! Well, three
promises. You would strip me of a third of my honor!
Grandma Tanuki: You kept a promise? [sounds dubious]
Was this before or after you sold my uncle the entire
island of Shikoku?
Genma: I've never broken my marital vows, I kept my
promise to make a man of my son, and I kept my promise
to Tendo-san that our families would be joined.
Nodoka: You promised you'd remember to buy pickles
once, and kept that one too.
Genma: Woo! Four promises!
Grandma Tanuki: It doesn't...
Grandpa Tanuki: [interrupting] If she apologizes, we
won't make you cancel the engagement.
Grandma Tanuki: But she...
Grandpa Tanuki: I will not strip Genma of his last
tattered rags of honor with which he might cover the
nakedness of his pride.
Genma: Thank you, I think.
Grandpa Tanuki: But if you ever leave me to pay the bill
again, I'll gut you and drop you in Tokyo bay.
************
[We see Ukyou hard at work in her shop, serving a horde
of customers and whistling a tune to herself. Gradually,
the horde thins out, until finally, she is alone in the shop.
She sits down and starts writing a letter]
Letter: Dear Shinnosuke,
Things are good with me. We're all settled in for
the summer. I'm going to take a few weeks off at the end
of the summer and come visit you like we planned, I hope.
Ranchan finally settled matters with Shampoo. What a
mess.
[She pauses, and Ryouga and Nabiki walk in the door]
Ukyou: Ahh, two beef specials?
Ryouga: Yeah. No pork.
Nabiki: Sausage for me. [Ryouga gets big eyes] Just
teasing.
Ukyou: [as she cooks] Whatcha up to?
Ryouga: We're going to go check out Nabiki's dormitory
for the fall and make some plans for next semester.
Nabiki: I'm also trying to find my roommate. Shusendo
Negiri of Komatane High School. [shrugs] Hopefully she
isn't engaged to four martial artists who will destroy
our dorm on a regular basis.
Ukyou: [adds a little tabasco sauce to Nabiki's
okonomiyaki] You like yours mild, right?
Nabiki: Yes.
Ukyou: [grins] All ready.
[We fade out as Nabiki takes her first bite and breathes
fire]
**********
[We see Kasumi and Akane working in the courtyard
garden of the Dojo. Kunou charges in, dressed in a tuxedo
and carrying a huge bouquet of roses]
Kunou: Tendo Akane, today is a great and glorious day!
Akane: [turns around] You do know I'm engaged, right?
Kunou: Wait...did I already propose to you and forget?
[Akane and Kasumi face fault]
**********
[We see Ranma walking on the fence by the river]
Ranma: [looks up] What a beautiful day.
[From behind him, a voice speaks]
Kodachi: Ranma-sama!
Ranma: [spins] Kodachi, I'm gonna marry Akane. Give it
up.
Kodachi: I know she has used her evil magic on you,
possibly destroying most of your brain cells through her
cooking, but even if you were a brain-dead vegetable on
life support, I would still love you, Ranma-sama!
Ranma: [holds up three fingers] How many fingers am I
holding up?
Kodachi: [blinks] Three.
Ranma: Okay, we are in the same universe. Look, I don't
love you. I never did. I love Akane. I don't love you, and
I'm not going to marry you, no matter what you do.
Kodachi: Who are you talking to, Ranma-sama?
Ranma: [pauses, then simply screams]
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!! [runs off
howling]
Kodachi: That looks like fun! [runs after him screaming]
***********
[Back at the Dojo]
Kunou: You...you would rather marry that foul sorceror
Saotome?
Akane: He's not a foul sorceror!
Kasumi: She loves him, Kunou.
Akane: I'm sorry, Kunou, but give it up.
Kunou: [frowns] I have loved you for many years, Akane.
Akane: [sighs] I know, Kunou. But I never loved you.
[The doors fly open and Mariko the combat cheerleader
runs in, dressed in a wedding dress]
Mariko: K-U-N-O-U! I'm all suited up for the wedding!
Kunou: Do I know you? Wait...you seem familiar.
Mariko: [glomps onto him] Let's get m-a-r-r-i-e-d right
away! [picks him up and carries him off]
Kunou: [as he is carried away] This is not the proper way
to treat a Samurai! You should be ... [his voice fades as
she carries him out of sight]
Kasumi: Now that's the sort of woman he needs.
Akane: [puts down her broom] Well, time for me to meet
Ranma and go apologize to his grandparents.
[Ranma runs by on the roof screaming with Kodachi
chasing him, also screaming]
Kasumi: I'll call them and tell them you've been delayed.
*********
[We see Akane and Ranma up on the rooftop of the dojo,
holding hands and watching the sun set]
Ranma: Looks like we might get a little peace and quiet
for the rest of our summer vacation.
Akane: [laughs] If you don't count Kodachi and Kunou
coming around.
Ranma: If they ever stopped, I wouldn't know what to do
with myself anymore.
Akane: So what are we gonna do with ourselves?
Ranma: Huh?
Akane: I mean, in the long term.
Ranma: For me, the long term is the next three days. I
guess we finish High School and go to College. Big waste
of time for me, but there are worse fates than being with
you.
Akane: [dryly] How enthusiastic you sound.
Ranma: You know what I mean. At least we'll be able to
live together and finally get some peace and quiet.
Akane: And then Kunou will conquer the world riding an
army of genetically engineered flying pigs cloned from
Ryouga's cells. And he'll appoint you minister of 'Foul
Sorcery'.
Ranma: At least we'd have plenty of pork to eat.
[They both laugh]
Akane: I wonder if our children will...you know.
Ranma: Yeah, we can start training them pretty early,
but I promise to not drag any of them off on training
trips without you.
Akane: I mean...I'm thinking about your curse.
Ranma: Well, we have a barrel of man-drown water for
our wedding night.
Akane: With our luck, it'll get spilled on me instead of
you.
Ranma: With our luck, it'll RAIN Jyusenkyo water.
Akane: [looks up at the skies] Not a cloud in sight.
Ranma: [grins] Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Akane: I think so, Ranma, but if you jumped in the pool of
drowned Volvo, where would I get the key to start your
engine?
Ranma: [takes Akane into his arms] I'll show you how to
start my engine.
[They kiss and Akane leans back on the rooftop with
Ranma lying on top of her. Just as he starts to unbutton
her shirt...]
Kasumi: [down below] No, Daddy, don't turn the spout
THAT hard. It isn't THAT stuck.
[There is a huge boom and a geyser of cold water erupts
up from the kitchen, then through the second story and
right through the roof, transforming Ranma into a girl
and flinging both of them airborne]
Kasumi: Oh my.
[The End of Chapter 15]
[The End of Furinkan Summer]
[Oh what a long strange trip it's been]
********************
Closing Cast Credits:
Starring
Saotome Ranma
Tendo Akane
Tendo Nabiki
Tendo Kasumi
Kuonji Ukyou
Mousse
Shampoo
Gosunkugi Hikaru
Akemi
Hibiki Ryouga
Kunou Tatewaki
Kunou Kodachi
Introducing
The Bishoujo And Bishonen Kitsunes
Sasami Ichiwara
Showercap
Shelf
Susan/Raguela
Grandpa and Grandma Saotome
Grandpa and Grandma Tanuki
Hitomi
Ken and Ryoko Hibiki
Featuring
Saotome Nodoka
Saotome Genma
Cologne
Happosai
Tendo Soun
Dr. Ono Tofu
Principal Kunou
Shinnosuke
Tsubasa
Guest Appearances by
Mimi Masters[Ninja High School]
Aloysius [NHS]
Hitomi Ichinohei[NHS]
Princess Asrial of Salusia[NHS]
Jeremy, Ricky, and Mrs. Feeple [NHS]
Phrank [NHS]
Lendo[NHS]
Sammi[NHS]
The Endless--Dream, Desire, Despair, Destruction, Death,
Delirium, Destiny [Sandman]
*******************
Author's Notes:
Four years. Four years. I'll repeat. Four years. This
story took me forever to finish. It's a combination of
stubborness and the eventual return of my Furinkan
Summer muse that enabled me to finish this story. It's
evolved quite a bit, and now bears virtually no
resemblance whatsoever to its original shape. Only the
scenes of Kasumi, Gosunkugi, and Akemi in Quagmire and
Desire's role as a major source of trouble remain from
the original concept.
Juggling a huge cast isn't easy; but I like juggling huge
casts. And huge multi-threaded plotlines. Furinkan
Summer is around five times longer than its parent story
'Putting Your Heart in the Right Place'. It's also now part
of the Sailor Moon Z/Dance of Shiva/ Black Moon
Rising/She's Got the Power (A KOR story which I might
have time to actually FINISH now) continuity.
While I do have future stories planned for this version of
the cast, like the twentieth reunion story, it'll be a while
before they get written; I'm a writer for DNR/DNU now
and most of my potential college stories will likely end
up there.
I hope you've enjoyed this long ride. If you haven't, I'm
not sure how you would have gotten to the point that
you're reading this, though :)
Dedications:
I'd like to extend especial thanks to
Takahashi Rumiko--Whose creative Genius we all know
and love, without her work, this story would never have
been possible and the world would know less laughter
than it has.
Neil Gaman and Ben Dunn--Whose characters I have
mercilessly plundered and exploited to my own purposes,
but who probably don't even know I exist. Please don't
kill me :)
My Parents--For instilling the love of writing,
reading,and creating in me from an early age. Your love
and support has made me who I am today.
Jeffrey Hosmer--My left arm. Maybe my right arm too.
Jeff and I have co-written and discussed more stories
than some authors produce in their entire careers.
Sometimes we agree, sometimes we disagree,
occasionally it's time for a knife fight, but I appreciate
every suggestions, even the ones that go in one of my
ears and out the others. Keeping me supplied with anime
tapes doesn't hurt either. :)
Carmen Spray--But only because you HATE Ranma 1/2.
But I like you anyway. :) Maybe I'll dedicate a KOR story
to you next...hehe.
The nameless soul who secured Ranma 1/2 tapes for
Castlecon '93, the event which got me into Ranma 1/2
and Anime in General--I'll never know who you were, but
without you, this story would never have been written.
Every Single Person on my prereading list, even the ones
who haven't written me in so long I can only assume that
you died, but they forgot to close your account--Thanks
for reading my stories and commenting on them and
reassuring me by your existance that someone uses my
stories for something besides fertilizer. I know I flood
you with more stories than I could read if I wasn't me.
Thanks for the support and the help.
John Biles
Not Dead Yet
Proud Member of the Terrapin Corps (even if I
keep crashing my mech)
Can only WISH he was Makoto's old boyfriend.
Historian for Hire
Writer at Large
Holding Out for a Heroine
ranma@falcon.cc.ukans.edu