Ravi Duvvuri wrote:
At 01:30 AM 10/28/98 -0600, Richard Lawson wrote:
I'm not entirely satisfied with this. In fact, I'm unhappy on several
levels. I wanted this to be better than it turned out being.
So please, any and all criticisms you have will be greatly appreciated.
I've been eagerly waiting for this story, actually,
So have I, though I'm not going to do a line-by-line C&C of this one,
for lack of time...
and I do have to say that it isn't quite what I was anticipating,
nor was it what I expected, in a mixture of good and not-so-good.
I wanted to re-read Parts One and Two before commenting, but I lost them
in a hd crash, and your web site was down earlier today... so I'll probably
be completely off on a couple of things.
Anyway...the biggest problem I saw was the sudden loss of momentum about
three-quarters of the way through the story. I think that it would have
worked better if you had ended this chapter shortly after the confrontation
between Kyosuke and Kazuya, and put the events afterwards into an epilogue.
I'd have to echo this, but I'm not sure that an epilogue is the
answer. I think the 'problem' (if it can be called that) is that
there's a sudden, drastic, change of pace immediately after the
confrontation... and then, immediately after that change of pace, the
new scene bogs down in prose. It's a change of pace, tone, and style,
and of the three, the new style doesn't work for me.
[...]
The confrontation scene itself was really well-done. Kazuya's state of
mind switching between panic and overconfidence was beautifully written.
Yes, a very nice look at his mental state.
If I have a problem with it, it is in that I don't think that even Kazuya
would be a match for a concerted effort of a group of ESPers.
Dramatic necessity, I suppose. Though it would have worked better had
it only been the twins and Akane.
Another note on strength -- I'd always thought Kyousuke was the
strongest of the young generation. Granted, that's partly based on
the Shin KOR novels, wherein he does many nifty things... well, since
he'd lack Kazuya's killer instinct and willingness to use his full
powers -- or any power -- so easily, it probably doesn't matter.
Also, on reflection, the nature of Power seems a bit inconsistant.
Kyosuke gains Kazuya's abilities in Kazuya's body, but not his
psychic strength?
This one I can explain. ^_^ Kyousuke didn't gain Kazuya's abilities;
body-switching doesn't do that. However, in the alternate world,
Kyousuke has telepathic ability, for some reason. This is right out
of the manga, and as far as I know is never explained.
As for the rest, I'm not sure. I like most of the scenes on their
own, but as a whole it feels lacking. I think there's too much
closure, taking up too much space.
If anything, I thought the resolution came too quickly. I was
expecting at least 4 chapters. I can't say I'm disappointed with this
one, though.
Like I said earlier, if all of the village-based scenes
were wrapped up in an epilogue, maybe it would read better.
Alternately, you could try cutting out some of the scenes altogether
or trimming them down.
Editing would be a good idea, IMO, but I'm at a loss as to what to
suggest cutting.
Definite keepers would be the Akane / Kazuya scene, the Ayukawa /
grandfather scene, and the Ayukawa / altKyosuke scene.
Yes. Very nice ending for the fic, by the way.
The campfire scene can probably go,
I think it needs to be there. But it can probably be shorter. Or
placed at a different point in the story, to minimize that style/pace
change.
as could the Kyosuke / Madoka scene.
Disagree. I thought that was perhaps the most important scene of the
ending, as it shows Madoka -react- to everything that's happened.
The Hikaru / Madoka scene could be trimmed down, and allude to some
of the more important bits from the cut parts.
I can't see trimming this very much, either. It's all pretty
important, I'd say.
Maybe instead of trimming the end, you should expand the beginning a
little, and split this into two chapters? Hmm. Maybe not.
I would have liked to see a Madoka meets Ayukawa scene, but I'm not sure
that would be a good idea. It would be nice for Ayukawa to learn that
Madoka wasn't the person she saw in the office building.
I second this, but I can see why the scene doesn't exist...
Comments on specific parts:
"Kasuga-kun." The new Madoka's voice could freeze lava. "I've
been wanting to do this for eight years." She reached her hand
back, formed a fist, and punched him in the jaw.
I'm not sure I understand this line.
Reference to Kyousuke's first visit to the altUniverse. He sort of
ended up accidentally "abandoning" altMadoka.
She looked down at it, frowning. "I... I used to drink another
espresso at... at a different cafe. And... and I like that
espresso very much. Now I wonder if I can have the exact same
espresso and not be able to enjoy it without thinking about what I
used to have."
When and where was this? I don't think Ayukawa would have had a
chance to drink espresso very often in her dimension, and not in the
AbCb in any case.
She's not talking about espresso. ^_^
She laughed, and they continued to chat brightly over a cup of
espresso.
Maybe you could replace the "over a cup of espresso" with another
phrase? Even something bland like "into the night" would work
better.
I liked that. Plays with the espresso sequence above (which isn't
referring to espresso).
Scott Schimmel http://www.seas.upenn.edu/~schimmel/
Ex ignorantia ad sapientium; "You really aren't normal, are you?"
ex luce ad tenebras. -- Miki Koishikawa