At 01:30 AM 10/28/98 -0600, Richard Lawson wrote:
I'm not entirely satisfied with this. In fact, I'm unhappy on several
levels. I wanted this to be better than it turned out being.
So please, any and all criticisms you have will be greatly appreciated.
I've been eagerly waiting for this story, actually, and I do have to say
that it isn't quite what I was anticipating, nor was it what I expected,
in a mixture of good and not-so-good.
I wanted to re-read Parts One and Two before commenting, but I lost them
in a hd crash, and your web site was down earlier today... so I'll probably
be completely off on a couple of things.
Anyway...the biggest problem I saw was the sudden loss of momentum about
three-quarters of the way through the story. I think that it would have
worked better if you had ended this chapter shortly after the confrontation
between Kyosuke and Kazuya, and put the events afterwards into an epilogue.
In fact, it's only at that point that the story begins to have any problems.
Everything before that scene is almost perfect -- the pacing, the dialogue,
the transitions. I also really liked the internal monologues, with a few
minor quibbles.
The confrontation scene itself was really well-done. Kazuya's state of
mind switching between panic and overconfidence was beautifully written.
If I have a problem with it, it is in that I don't think that even Kazuya
would be a match for a concerted effort of a group of ESPers. Also, on
reflection, the nature of Power seems a bit inconsistant. Kyosuke gains
Kazuya's abilities in Kazuya's body, but not his psychic strength?
As for the rest, I'm not sure. I like most of the scenes on their own, but
as a whole it feels lacking. I think there's too much closure, taking up
too much space. Like I said earlier, if all of the village-based scenes
were wrapped up in an epilogue, maybe it would read better. Alternately,
you could try cutting out some of the scenes altogether or trimming them down.
Definite keepers would be the Akane / Kazuya scene, the Ayukawa / grandfather
scene, and the Ayukawa / altKyosuke scene.
The campfire scene can probably go, as could the Kyosuke / Madoka scene.
The Hikaru / Madoka scene could be trimmed down, and allude to some of the
more important bits from the cut parts.
The ending scene was excellent, and my favorite individual part of the
chapter. If you end up re-writing the chapter, I'd really like to see it
stay intact.
I would have liked to see a Madoka meets Ayukawa scene, but I'm not sure
that would be a good idea. It would be nice for Ayukawa to learn that
Madoka wasn't the person she saw in the office building.
Comments on specific parts:
Would someone please stop twisting his stomach so tightly? "I... my
grandfather is very good at this kind of thing. He's taken me through time
before. When... when I get everything worked out back home I... we'll come
find you."
The first line is awkward, sort of a mix of first- and third-person
perspectives.
"Kasuga-kun." The new Madoka's voice could freeze lava. "I've been wanting
to do this for eight years." She reached her hand back, formed a fist, and
punched him in the jaw.
I'm not sure I understand this line. She knows it's not really Kyosuke,
has never seen this older Kyosuke, and unless she was transported against
her will, wouldn't still be hostile towards Kyosuke.
of choice is that?" She sighed. "What is it that gentlemen wish? What
would they have? Is life so dear, or peace so sweet, as to be purchased at
the price of chains and slavery?" She shook her head. "May almighty God
forbid."
The quotation should be further set off by single quotes, since she's
deliberately delivering it as one.
I must admit I'm not immediately recognizing where the line is from, but
'almighty' might need to be capitalized.
She looked down at it, frowning. "I... I used to drink another espresso
at... at a different cafe. And... and I like that espresso very much. Now
I wonder if I can have the exact same espresso and not be able to enjoy it
without thinking about what I used to have."
When and where was this? I don't think Ayukawa would have had a chance to
drink espresso very often in her dimension, and not in the AbCb in any case.
She laughed, and they continued to chat brightly over a cup of espresso.
Maybe you could replace the "over a cup of espresso" with another phrase?
Even something bland like "into the night" would work better.
Anyway, I'd like to see the story retooled a bit, but if not, it was still
wonderful. Thank you for gracing us with it.
-r
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* Ravi Duvvuri
*
* solarian@imsa.edu http://www.imsa.edu/~solarian/
* @jaka.ece.uiuc.edu Lost Soul #14015654 in the Icy Queue.
*
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*
* "Why am I standing in the woods with a bottle of soy sauce?"
* - Nanami, El-Hazard TV1 Ep. 1
*
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