As always, feedback will be greatly appreciated, and public
response is preferred. Previous parts are at
<http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics#ham>

Now, presenting Harnum's HaM Commentary... Part Three in a series.
Sponsored by Purina Puppy Chow, and Panglossian Pessimist Society of
Western Canada.

       Gosunkugi Hikaru saved the message on his computer with the
others. The hard drive on his obsolete 486-DX was nearly full; he made 

a

note to clear out some old messages before checking mail again.

Five years have passed since the end of the manga, right?  Even if you
consider the manga to have ended in 1996, that still makes it 2001.  
A 486-DX isn't just obsolete by that time, it's an antique... Heck, 
the one and a half year old computer I have now (Pentium something 
or other) is already obsolete, and in three years, it'll be an antique.
If you want to stickle for details, I'd give Hikaru something more 
powerful than a 486-DX as his obsolete computer...

       True, his parents always seemed happy to see him every time he
went home for break. But somehow that didn't count. People who were
related to you had a built-in obligation to put up with you.

Hikaru has obviously never met my grandmother.

       The steady hum of the microwave ended with the ring of the 

bell.

Hikaru stepped across the cramped one-room apartment and removed the TV
dinner from the oven, cautiously inspecting the steaming food items. 

The

potatoes felt a bit rubbery and the corn was brownish-colored, but all
in all it would be okay with some salt and pepper for flavor. It was a
change from instant ramen, anyway.

In that it tasted awful, whereas instant ramen is Food of the Gods?

       He carried the dinner over to the computer and began forcing it
down. If he took a job with Korogashi, or one of the other companies,
he'd be able to afford better food. He'd have a decent-sized apartment
in a good neighborhood, a state-of-the-art computer, maybe even his own
car.

       So why was he thinking of throwing it all away?

Whim?  Blinding stupidity?  Insanity?

       Hikaru knew that his parents didn't want him to have anything 

to

do with Ranma, though they had never said so directly. *People get 

hurt,

even killed, in martial arts battles,* his mother had told him when he
was in High School. *Be careful around these sorts of people. After 

all,

you only have one life.*

I don't think High School should be capitalized here.  If you were
referring specifically to Furinkan High School, then yes.  But not in
this case.

       The only people he knew there were Akane and Ranma, and they
probably didn't even know that he had ended up at the same school that
they had. During his first two weeks he'd taken photos of Akane every
day with a telephoto lens. She was his Goddess, and this was his way of

Goddess shouldn't be capitalized.  Unless it's a specific name... e.g.

"Thor is my god," said the Viking, consuming a can of Spam.

"Then God help you," said the Spanish Inquisition.

       Hikaru felt sickened. It was like something out of a horror
movie. The Goddess defiled, made to bear a demon-child.

Okay, I'd like to officially declare if anyone ever writes 
"Rosemary's Baby 1/2" I will be forced to respond in kind by writing
something like... I don't know, "Waters Under Earth : The Musical".
Yes, that sounds sufficiently horrid.

       "My name is Yuka. I live on the second floor." She showed an ID
card.

       "Yes, I think I've seen you before." He motioned for her to go
in.

And an immense groaning sound was heard throughout the entire 
universe.  

       With the bath water running, Yuka headed toward the bedroom for
some clean clothes. She was so lucky to get this apartment when they
decided to make the extra ones available to single students. It was a
much better bargain than anything else available, and Ranma and Akane
were in the same building.

Ping!  The dramatic irony detector goes off.

       She opened her underwear drawer. It was empty.

Everyone who didn't see what was coming after this, please raise your
hand.  Thought so.

       It just wasn't fair. Yuka's husband was probably a loudmouthed
show-off jerk like Saotome. He probably insulted her, argued with her,
maybe even played around with other girls. And Hikaru, who would never
do any of those things, couldn't even meet any single women.

Welcome to the real world, Hikaru.  Ever hear that line about "it's
what's inside that counts"?  Guess what?  They were lying.

       "Name's Happosai. And I've been watching you." The old man
gestured with a smoking pipe as he spoke, somewhat like one of Hikaru's
professors. "I think we ought to have a little talk." A piece of cloth
fell out of his robes.

Cool... they let the profs smoke in class at this university?

       "I was once a lad of your age myself. You may not believe this,
but as a youth I was short, scrawny, with no money or social status--
the kind of guy who pretty ladies would never give a second look to."

"Except for the one whose village treasures I stole.  Admittedly, she
only paid attention to me because she kept on trying to kill me, 
but...  well, anyway, how about that local sports team?"

       "Fine then." Happosai jumped off the table and began pacing the
room with his head lowered. "You just go back to your quiet, peaceful
life of boredom. But while you're here in your dingy little room, just
think about what people like Ranma and Akane might be doing."

Filing their income tax returns?  Having a nice, innocent pillow
fight?  Enjoying a rousing game of Scrabble?

       "You like Akane, do you? Ever spend your time just thinking
about what it would be like to be close to her? Those lips, those legs,
those huge...."

Eyes?  Mallets?  What, what, don't trail off, it was getting 
interesting...

       "Stop it!" Hikaru yelled, wondering if the old man had been
reading his mind. "Just shut up!"

Probably.  I wouldn't put it past Happosai to be able to do that...

       Happosai bapped Hikaru on the forehead with his pipe. "Show 

some

respect, boy. So you do like Akane. Think a girl like her would ever
notice an insignificant little peon like you?"

Only if he's the head of a multi-billion dollar software company...

       The thought of Ranma and Akane... together.... It made his
stomach turn to imagine some of the things they might be saying to each
other right at the moment....

"Eat my cooking, Ranma!"

       "Oh Ranma!  It's so *big*...will it fit?"

       "Hey, no sweat, Akane. Just move your end down a little." Ranma
pulled the refrigerator in through the doorway towards the kitchen, as
Akane followed behind holding up the other side.

Innuendo.  Where would we be without it?

       "Don't worry about it," Akane said. Ranma knew that he'd have
probably gotten malleted for saying something like that. At least he'd
managed to stop himself every time he was about to make a joke about 

her

losing her figure. She was sensitive enough about that already; he
didn't need to make it worse. Besides, he had heard about "karma" in 

his

philosophy class, and didn't want this kind of thing to rebound back
onto him.

Cool.  Ranma's become a hippie.  Peace, man.  Far out.

       "We need some way to figure out where Happosai's going to 

strike

next. Then I'll teach him to pick on defenseless young women."

1.  Here we witness the set-up of the "joke" or "gag"

       "He already knows how to do that. Whoa! Some nightclub near

2.  Here we witness the conclusion of the "joke" or "gag".  Laughter
now ensues.

       Ranma sighed to himself in resignation. *Why me?*

Karma, dude.  Karma.

       "Did you get them?" Happosai sat idly on the chair, like a king
on his throne, eating all of Hikaru's snack food.

At once?  He'll lose that svelte figure.

       "Obviously you haven't yet mastered How Not To Be Seen after a
week. This calls for more practice. Tomorrow, you'll go over to...."

First all of, DON'T STAND UP WHEN THEY ASK YOU TO!

       "Young people are so impatient. You've got to do what comes 

from

inside, understand? That's the only thing that'll work! It's the same
for all of us. You don't see me doing any Love Flower Power Strikes, do
you?"

That's Ranma's department these days.  Peace, man.  Karma.

       "Ki is the power of the soul, or spirit, that we all have 

inside

us. Ki attacks use strong emotions to focus this power into destructive
energy. Ranma uses a ki attack based on his self-confidence. That's a
relatively common one. Others use different emotions, like hate."

Hear that sound, kids?  That's Alan praying that this doesn't set off
another LOOOOOOOOOOONG debate on ki.  

       "Yeah. I'm using a Chinese name. A lot of people cheer for me
because they think Chinese girls are easy."

Hmm... I'd watch those throwaway comments, Gary.  

       The door opened. A woman entered, one whom Akane recognized
instantly. She stood tall, elegant, with an air of superiority, and, as
if the rest weren't distinctive enough, pale white hair and skin.

Oh my god!  Kima got to appear in a fic for once!  

       "Ms. Liang? I'm Saginomiya Asuka, the owner of this club."

Oh... wait.  Never mind.  Ignore that previous comment.  ^_^;

       Akane mouthed off some random Chinese syllables. "Zheige hua
meiyou shenme yisi. Fanyi zhi hui langfei shijian."

"What did you say about my mother?"

       "Time enough to celebrate later, boy," Happosai said. "There's
work to be done. You've learned the Happodaikarin; now you need some
field experience in its use. And give me back the magazine that you 

used

for... inspiration. You can go buy your own."

Hmm... what could he have been reading?  Time?  Newsweek?  Better
Homes and Gardens?

       "Oh, I don't know. We'll go someplace where we can avail
ourselves of some pretty underthings that've been worn by nubile young
woman, and maybe let them enjoy our attentions a bit."

"The laundromat?"

"The laundromat."

       "It's that time you've all been waiting for!" a voice blared
over the speaker system." The Lingerie contest is about to begin! Will
all contestants please move over to the stage!" A flood of cheering
drowned out the announcer.

Should 'Lingerie' be capitalized in this sentence?  If so, 'contest'
should be capitalized as well.

       Strangely, Hikaru didn't find himself compelled to stare, as he
often did at pretty women on campus. He felt more disgusted than
anything else; disgusted that all of these girls would bare themselves
for a free drink and maybe some money; that the Almighty Yen was more
appealing to them than he could ever be.

Hikaru, m'boy, the only way to get through life is to stop being
disgusted by this.

       But he knew that wasn't going to happen. Girls like her didn't
notice him even when he wasn't using his technique to remain unseen. He
was going to end up like Happosai, only able to get women's attention 

by

stealing their underwear.

Or their village treasure!

       "Aaaaa!" he cried. It was about to explode and kill him!

       Desperately, he drop-kicked the bomb up toward the ceiling.

"Maybe it will kill all these innocent people instead!"

       "Sweetie!" Happosai suddenly appeared on stage, grabbing onto
Liang and fondling her breasts. The cheers of the audience changed to
startled gasps.

Hmm... shouldn't that sentence be "the cheers of the audience of
drunken male college students increased tenfold"?

       "Get offa me!" Liang expertly grabbed Happosai by the torso and
smashed him into the stage.

Obviously an expert grab, considering how little a torso there is to
grab on Happosai... He's always kinda struck me as a head with legs
and arms.

       The roof collapsed. Hikaru shielded his head under folded arms
as a rain of debris came down.

"My twiglike arms will protect me from the falling tons of stone!"

       Usunoko looked at Hikaru, and her eyes recoiled in fear. She
backed away from him, slowly at first, then running.

       And Hikaru knew that this wasn't what he wanted, not at all.

Bango!  Instant epiphany, right here.  Get yours today.  ^_^

       Liang  turned and noticed Hikaru. "You stupid jerk! You coulda
killed somebody!"

Got an extra space in there between 'Liang' and 'turned'.

       A small narrow-eyed man in a Doctor's coat came out. He scanned
the room, as if looking for someone. He turned to Ranma. "Excuse me,
sir, did you notice where the woman who was sitting here went?"

Doctor shouldn't be capitalized here.

       "Let's put it this way. If there's anybody who did, he probably
didn't live to talk about it." Ranma pulled his chair back and started
to get up. "Look, I gotta be going. Really Thanks for the tea and all
but...."

Shouldn't be a capital on that 'thanks', and there probably should be
a comma between the 'Really' and the 'thanks'.

       Ranma was inside. Hikaru had seen him with that woman walking,
followed them here, and watched them go in the house. He didn't know 

for

sure why they had come here, but he could guess.

The second sentence starts a little confusingly.  You might be better 
off beginning "Hikaru had seen him walking with that woman, followed
them..."

       "A one night... WHAT?! You're a liar! We didn't...." Ranma felt
a soreness from below, telling him that he was the liar. How could this
have happened? HOW?

Drugs, Ranma.  Why do you think they call it dope?

       Then Ranma  began calling out a name. The name of the woman he
loved, who he thought he was making love with.

"making love to" might sound better in this context.

       It was clear what he had to do.

Yes.  His mission was clear now.  Hikaru Gosunkugi had come... to
party down!

***

General commentary:

Primary problem I have with this chapter arises in the latter half,
after Ranma's been seduced by Asuka.  Akane is way too quick to
forgive him.  Even with Hikaru's evidence.  Even though they're
married now, I don't think her mind works that way; she'd 
automatically start seeking explanations other than the one Ranma
gave her.  I think she'd eventually begin to forgive him after a few 
days, but not so quickly.  And all excuses aside, her husband did end 
up making love to another woman... that carries a lot of emotional
baggage with it, no matter what context it's in.

Beyond that, I remember not being too keen on this chapter the
first time I read it, but on a second reading, I really began to
like it; there is a sense of low-key sadness to Hikaru's story that
is very powerful at times.  Not the same level of emotional drama as
the death of Cologne in Prelude Six, but deeply effective all the
same.  I think it's mostly because he doesn't get anything even
resembling a happy ending, except for his realization about not
wanting to become like Happosai... Despite having some of the
funnier jokes in the series so far (I cracked up at the "I live on
the second floor" one), this one ultimately left me feeling very sad.

Nice work as usual, Gary.  Keep it up.

Ciao,
-Alan Harnum

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