DBKA
Dragon Ball Kick Ass
For all those people who don't understand power
differences between Saiyajin and Saotome
By Justin Fraser, With Some Shit From Brian Clark


Ranma 1/2 Characters are copyright of Rumiko Takahashi
DBZ Characters are copyright of Akira Toriyama
Guns N' Roses are copyright of themselves

	This is a five-minute job here.  I'm not going to explain how it 
happened, just rest assured that for a passing moment, the Wonderful 
World of Akira Toriyama crossed paths with the Rumic World.  Personally, 
I have nothing against Ranma 1/2, but if you think that anyone from that 
series could defeat the Z-warriors then, to quote Axl Rose, you can 
"Suck  my fuckin' dick!"

	Now, that being cleared, we can begin:

	Vejita read the scroll again.  It was tough to grasp, but perhaps there 
was someone with more power than Kakarotto.  He'd gotten wind of the 
amazing Ranma Saotome, a man who has faced many an opponent, usually on 
a daily basis, and to this day has never lost a battle.
	Impossible, he thought.  But in the pit of his stomach he felt the pang 
of hope that he could become more powerful than his most hated friend.
	He followed the map to this holy Tendo Dojo, or so they called it.
	He could hardly contain his excitement.  He felt ready for anything.  
His eyes burned with anticipation.  He was...he was...
	He was all wet.
	Vejita's head turned.  An old woman with a badly animated mouth was 
peering at him curiously.  He cursed his lack of attention for being 
caught off guard by such an easy-to-catch incoming and plodded on, 
Tendo-wards.
	Someone grabbed his shoulder.  He turned his head.
	It was the old lady.  Again, she peered at him.  Then she shook her 
head
	"No, wait a minute.  Go back.  We're gonna try this again."
	Such a harmless old woman.  Vejita didn't have a clue as to what was 
going on, but he was too dumbfounded to argue.  He was   dragged back to 
the old lady's front  gate.
	"Now.  Do it again.  Yes, just walk by..."
	He did so.  Again, water.  Now he stared at her angrily.
	"Enough of this foolishness!  I'm to busy to deal with the likes of 
such a weak person!"
	Vejita trudged off.
	The old woman scratched at gray hair.  Not a cow, not a duck, not even 
a foot warmer...
	This had never happened before.  Certainly the universe must be playing 
a joke on her.
	She stamped her foot in anger, turned, and blew her house away with a 
Kamehameha.


	Three minutes later, there was hair.
	Even the old woman was caught off guard at this, but she recovered and 
tossed water from her ladle into the air, splashing it onto the long 
black curls.
	Slash looked up at her.  For about three seconds.  Then he looked down 
at his guitar and played a dominant pentatonic scale.  He continued to 
tread onward, an amp strapped to his back, powered by static from his 
hair and wired out through his hat.
	The old woman broke her ladle over her knee.
	"That's it!" she screeched.  Broken ladle in hand, she lunged forward.  
Slash turned, knocking her down without apparently noticing, and bending  
strings like there was no tomorrow.  His Tiger Les Paul was indeed 
poetry to the blues.
	This only further enraged the old lady (probably the only Ranma 
Character that  would stand a chance against Son Goku).  She began to 
form a Genki Dama while Slash's back was turned.
	She felt the energy pulsate through every limb in her body, rushing up 
to her hands...
	When it was full she released it.  It fizzled when it touched Slash's 
hair.
	Slash turned.  He  stared critically at the old woman with a pick in 
his mouth.
	There was a moment of silence.
	Slash dopplered away in the ears of the old woman, bent over and 
clutching a bleeding  eye which had been struck by a spit guitar pick.
	She could barely hear the tones of Sweet Child.


	Knock, knock.
	The door opened.  Akane Tendo looked up to the serious face of the only 
Saiyajin in this world.  She looked up further to the second most 
ridiculous hair currently in this world.
	The scene was taken in.  Armor, blue jump suit, muscles like footballs 
mating...
	"Raaaaaanmaaaaa!  It's for you!"
	An eyebrow twitched on his face.  Vejita began to sweat.
	How could he have known I came for him?  This Ranma Saotome must be 
even greater than I first thought!
	Ranma came down the stairs washing his face with a towel.  He trotted 
to the door and slung it over his shoulder.
	"Yeah, what is ityaaa...yaaanyaaa...."
	He slammed the door shut and leaned against it.  Just once, he thought, 
Just once, it would be nice to be able to get through one day...
	It would have been nicer to know that he would make it through one more 
day.  He wouldn't.


	Happosai was smoking his pipe.
	It was a good pipe, with only the finest ground tabacco.  He ate the 
pipe.  It tasted even better than the tabacco.
	There was music.  For a moment Happosai thought that he'd died.  He 
turned to look into the face of death, and he saw...hair.
	There  was oh so much hair.  It was black and curly and moving at a 
rate faster than any hair has moved in the history of the world.
	Happosai folded his arms behind his back and checked the guitar for all 
its greatness and glory.
	"A Les Paul, eh?"  He hesitated.
	"You know, I have a ukelele."
	The Amazing Fingers of Guitar Truth stopped dead for a moment.  Slash 
turned to the man was didn't even stand as tall as of his strands...
	He nodded, as one professional to another (lesser) professional.  Then 
he smiled and raised his guitar slightly to indicate he was about to do 
something cool and wanted the old man to watch.
	Slash played arpeggios with fingers acting like a tiger's claws, 
dealing out gruesome death to the A, E, and D  strings.
	Happosai's eyes went wide.  He pulled out his ukelele and played a 
longer.  A LOT slower.


	"Training!?  Training!?"  Ranma breathed heavily.
	"He's not hear to train under me!!! He's just saying that!  I know it!  
This happens all too often!!"
	Everyone tried to avoid eye contact with Ranma.  Sweat  dripped from 
his forehead, somehow managing to route around his bulging eyes.  He 
smiled madly.
	"He's huge..."
	"And short."
	"Shutup, dad.  Anyway, no one that small should have that much muscle!  
Why would he want to train under me!?"
	Everyone shrugged.  This left a blank in all their answer sheets.

	Vejita was in the backyard, feeding the fish.  Singular.  There was 
only one.  Occasionally it would leap up and Later would come.
	The fished leapt out of the pond.
	It was evening.  Ryoga had once again found himself in the Tendo 
backyard while trying to locate his tennis shoes.  Happened all the 
time...
	He tapped Vejita on the shoulder.
	"Scuse me?  Where's the bathroom?  I've been wandering for days, and I 
drank a lot before I left...and...well..."
	Vejita turned to him.  "Have you come to train under the great Ranma 
Saotome?"
	"No, the bathroo..."
	"..What?"
	"I think he's trying to teach me to have patience right now.  I don't 
have it in me to offend such a great man by saying that I can be very 
patient when I need to."  I've been patient enough with Son.
	Ryoga was dumbfounded, and this time it wasn't because there was a 
giraffe in what he had thought was his backyard.
	Train?  This man looked like he could tear down Stone Henge  with no 
effort.
	"Er..."
	An idea began to form in his head.
	"Well...yes.  He starts all his students like this.  I keep an eye on 
them to measure their skill.  Um, if it's not too much...Only a 
demonstration of your techniques would be really helpful."
	"I understand."  Vejita stood up.  And up.  And up.
	Ryoga had to shield his eyes from the sun.
	"I know this must seem like pitons to you, but it's the best I have."
	He began to glow.  Ryoga was thrown to the ground as Vegita condensed 
his energy.
	He raised a hand to the skies and forced all his concentration around 
it.
	"BIG..."
	He focused everything he had into this one.
	"BANG..."
	If he could impress them now...
	...but no.  The boy was just lying on the ground.   This obviously was 
low-grade stuff to him.
	Nothing for it.
	"ATTACK!!!"
	Vejita was disappointed in himself, but he'd done his best.  The blast 
left the atmosphere.
	"SHIT!" whispered Ryoga.


	"Naw, not anything like that.  He just gets a lot of excercise.  Man's 
got no technique at all.  He really does  just want to train."
	Ranma looked Ryoga in the eye.  "How'd you know?"
	"I...er.." he scratched the back of his head, "Ha ha!  Talked to him in 
the backyard..."
	"Well..."
	Oh, what harm was in it?
	"Alright."
	Ryoga gave  a wicked smile.
	"He...hey.  What are you smilin'..."
	"Ah!  Nothing!"  Ryoga ran for it, and leapt out the window with a 
crash.

	"So what is this great technique you have to teach me?"
	Vejita refrained from tapping his foot.  Try to look good in front of 
him now.  Get' im on your side.  When you return, Son Goku will be a 
wimp compared to you, Vejita!!
	"Ah, some ancient amazon stuff," Ranma mumbled, "real neat stuff.  
Anyway..."
	Ranma demonstrated.
	"And that is called the Amagoriken, or Chestnut Fist."
	Vejita raised an eyebrow.
	"Ah.  Perhaps I should have mentioned that I have some experience."
	Ranma gazed blankly.
	"I mean, I'm faster than that."
	Already Ranma's eye was twitching.  It all goes wrong...
	"Um...Faster?"
	Vejita demonstrated.  First he was...OVER HERE!  Then...OVER HERE! 
Etc., etc..
	"Um.  I don't think you understand.  That was my best technique."
	Silence.
	...
	More silence.
	...
	Slowly,  ever so slowly, Vejita's arms came up.
	"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaggggggggggghhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
	He could be very patient.  When he wanted.
	"Quick!" Genma called out.  "Everyone in here!  Maybe if we all fight 
together we  can..."
	Ryoga chose that moment to enter the dojo.
	"Hey Ranma!  How's training..."
	"BIG...BANG..."
	"Oh, SHIT!"  
	Ryoga had never run faster.  And for once, he was headed in the right 
direction:  AWAY.
	"ATTACK!!!"


	I know this is a little far-fetched, but by some stroke of luck, Ranma 
survived.  I assure you that this is  a) for humorous sake only, and b) 
temporary.
	"Stand back! Happy's here!!!"
	Ranma didn't have to be told.  He leapt out of the way before white 
energy took out the wall (the entire wall) behind him.
	Happosai was sporting a Fender guitar.  Vejita was confused for a 
moment, thinking he was being challenged by a guitar.  But he noticed a 
bald head protruding from behind.
	He began to play.  Vejita was forced back.
	What...what is this strange...
	"Fool!  Feel my power!"
	What a horrible way for a great warrior to come to an end!  He tried to 
fight back, but even with the power of his hair, he was unable to move.
	Ranma ran like the dickens.  Let the old man and the pointy guy duke it 
out!  He was leaving on a fast boat to China.
	As promised, he died instantly on the neck of a Les Paul.
	And here, saw Vejita, was hair that could stand against this evil.   
Mainly because there wasn't enough room for it to be pushed back.
	Axl Rose burst through the hole in the wall with his Playskool 
microphone.
	"You are a fool!" he bellowed.
	Gilby Clarke strummed a G-chord.  "You used your power for evil!  Now 
you must pay the price!!"
	And Slash attacked with the power of his slide, playing Mr. Brownstone.
	There was a short yell, and it all ended.
	This was Guns N' Roses.  Fuck with them and they'll fuck your mother.


	"You must not let this power be used for evil, ever."
	Gilby folded the guitar tabs and handed them to Vejita.
	"You will train under the mighty Slash.  When you are done, your hair 
and your playing will make you a force to be reckoned with around the 
universe."  Axl gave him the scale diagram.
	Matt Sorum didn't have a gift, so he played something for Vejita.
	And he left with the hairy one, walking away into the sunset with their 
Les Pauls until all that could be seen was Slash's tophat across the 
horizon.

	The End

	Prepare yourselves. Now that I am a member of this mailing list, you 
will soon experience my FULL power!!!!

Justin Fraser

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