Hi Gary.

I've noticed lots of mail on the FFML about this story, and frankly, if I
decided to wade through those before addressing this, my C&C would have to
wait even longer.  So, here it is, and if I bring up a point that's been
debated to death, it's unintentional. 


On Mon, 12 Oct 1998, Gary Kleppe wrote:

	WHAT'S BEEN CHANGED: Not a lot. Minor touch-ups in several
places, partocularly toward the end, but nothing major.

	  ^^^^^^^^^^^^
o=i

	PRONOUNCIATION NOTE: "Mu Si" is, as best as I'm able to
determine, the Mandarin Chinese form of the name pronounced "Mousse",
romanized with the Pinyin system. Mu is pronounced "Moo", and Si sounds
like something between "Srrr" and "Szzz".

Is there anywhere I could find the Chinese word for Mousse's name?  If so,
then I could probably check against my Chinese dictionary.

he always found something unexpected when he reached inside. Once he had
even found a driver's license from some westerner named Hoffa.

I've solved the mistery of Hammerspace!  It's actually located underneath
a stadium parking lot! 

I guess that's why I can't pull things out of thin air...

	Mousse looked closely at his glasses to see whether they were
soiled.

To me, saying that something is soiled has a different implication than
what you're expecting.  How about saying they're smudged?

	Mousse's glasses rested firmly over his eyes, his vision clear;
but when he looked down, it wasn't Tsubasa he saw.

                                 ______


	A reflection....

This is a wonderful transition here.  I can almost see the fade out from
past to present.

	He wondered what it would be like to see Shan Pu again. She was
asking for *his* help now? That would certainly be a switch after the
way things used to be between them....

When did Mousse ask Shampoo for help?  For undying love, yes, but I don't
remember him asking her for a favor.  Then again, I've only seen the Vis
manga so far.

	Mousse folded over the top of the cardboard box. This was
finally the last one. Packing up the Nekohanten had been like emptying
his robes; every time it looked like he might be almost done, something
else turned up in an unexpected place.

	Now, unless there were any more closets he didn't know about, he
was done. 

Using two sentances in sucession with 'done' seems just a little
repetitive.  Not so much that it is really noticible, but you may want to
consider changing it.

	Shampoo came in from the back room. "Thank you for packing
boxes, Mousse. Real estate agent say will deliver to post office
tomorrow morning."

Why's Shampoo speaking to Mousse in Japanese?

	"I'm going to seal up the boxes. I've got this really strong
tape, the kind they call --"

Lemmie guess.  Duct tape? ^_^

a beauty that came around only once in a lifetime, one that he would now
never be able to know.

now never be able to know?  How about 'no longer' instead of 'never'?
'Never' sort of implies that at no point in time did he know of Shampoo's
beauty.

	A nearby puddle showed Mousse's reflection. It was a
funny-looking sight. A duck with glasses. Something that should be a
character on a children's cartoon.

Or Anime.

	But even funny-looking duck men needed love. Even they were
capable of giving it.

I don't know if I ever let you know about this, but this is a memorable
line.  I used a paraphrased version to make a point in my first fic (and
yes, I credited you).

if she did come back, she wouldn't love him. The dream would forever
be... a dream.

    ^^^
Why the elipses here?  I think that the sentence naturally emphasizes the
word 'dream'.

	Ryoko entered the guest bedroom. "Well, Goodnight, Azusa. See

					 ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Well, goodnight Azusa!

	He was still a duck, tied to a leash. His arm still throbbed,

						  ^^^
wing

	Mr. Shiratori looked around the room. "Ah well, such are the
risks of the game. Well-played, my dear inspector." He turned to his
daughter. "Azusa, to you I am truly sorry. I shall try to return to you
when I can." He looked back at the agents. "Shall we go now?"

And they all leave Azusa to fend for herself?  At least, there should be
some mention of having someone come around later to pick her up, or take
care of her, or something.

	"Sorry, Azusa." Ryoko said. She and the agents carried most of
Azusa's collection downstairs. The other agents set Azusa down carefully
and followed.

And that's it?  It doesn't seem likely that they'd just leave her there.
No one takes care of her?

	Azusa got up and surveyed the remains of her collection. There
were only a few items left, things that obviously couldn't hide
anything. And Mousse. "Claudette! They took Kristina! They took Cynthia!
They... they took..."

Everything but the duck.  Why wouldn't they take Mousse, if they're going
to take all of the other useless kick-knacks.  At the very least, one
would think that they'd 'free' him.

	He wondered whether that tax inspector had been right when she
had called Azusa autistic. Maybe it was true.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I thought that autism was refusing to
communicate with others.  Azusa *does* communicate with others, if only to
plead for her 'friends'.


-Natsume Ranma Ranma
-------
The sardines weren't worth the trouble.  A few more shots, then 
Ryoga-san would overheat and explode.  Ducking around a corner, 
I managed to lose him as I entered the ramshackle residence of 
my Anime supplier.

One look at his face and I knew that I was betrayed.  "Tell me."
I insisted.  He refused, so I slammed him against the wall.
"Last chance.  Where can Ranma-Ranma find good fanfics?"
"Try Jason Liao." he whispered, before he slumped to the floor.
I heard the sounds of a door splintering as I left through the 
window, one step ahead of Tendo Heavy Industries...