Hmmm... Apparently this didn't go out the first time I tried to send it.

Of course, that could be the Universe's way of trying to tell me 
something, but, wha'da'hey?


This was prompted by an exchange that was almost, but not completely, 
unrelated to it in the C&C for Gary Kleppe's HaM series.

(What!?  You haven't read it?  What are you thinking, you Hosehead?  I 
bet you thought the Cubs had a shot this year, too, didn't ya?  Quick, 
stop wasting your time on this drivel and go read something _good_.  You 
can find it in the Archive--It's worth the effort.)

Anyway...

**************************************
*  F.N.                              *
*  A Ranma 1/2 Spamfic               *
*  by Freemage                       *
*  A Blame White Wolf Production     *
*    (Hey, he's the one who set      *
*     up this nifty way of slipping  *
*     my drivel into your mailboxes, *
*     ne?)                           *
*  Which could really use a better   *
*     name....                       *
**************************************

[At the hotel, just before the newlyweds go up to their room]

Nabiki:  "Akane, you know all those loans I've given Ranma over the 
years?"

Akane [Thinking]:  'Yes!  She's going to forgive the debt as a wedding 
present!'

Ranma [Thinking]: 'Uh-oh, I'd know that gleam anywhere....'

Nabiki:  "Well, anyway, I've decided to forgive the debt..."

[Akane flashes a "V", Ranma facefaults]

Nabiki "... in exchange for 'First Night' privileges."

[Akane facefaults, Ranma bigsweats from his current position]

Ranma:  "What!?  No way!  I'll just pay you back!"

Nabiki:  "Oh, good, I'll take it now, please--with all the interest."

Ranma & Akane:  "Nani?!"

Nabiki:  "Well, you know, all these IOUs _are_ labelled 'Payable on 
Demand'"

Akane:  "Ranma, you idiot!  How could you do this to me!?"

Ranma:  "Me?  What about her?"

Akane:  "Oh, right, like I'm gonna believe that you didn't want this all 
along.  I know what you _boys_ are like--filthy, degenerate, slimy 
beasts, trying to conquer every woman you meet and make them slaves to 
vile passions and wicked ways!  Just ramming your gargantuan manhoods 
into every demure, innocent flower that passes by, like a well-hung 
bee."

Nabiki:  "Honestly, Akane, you make it sound like it's a bad thing."

Ranma:  "Hey!  I ain't like that!"

Nabiki:  "Oh, so you mean it's true?"

Ranma:  "What's true?"

Nabiki:  "That you're really gay?"

Ranma:  "What?!"

Nabiki:  "Well, you just said you didn't want to go to bed with a 
healthy, nubile and willing woman."

Ranma:  "I didn't say any such thing!"

Nabiki:  "Good, it's settled then!  Let's get up to the room, shall we?"

Akane [Glowing dark blue]:  "Ranma...."

Ranma [Sweating]:  "Uh, er, I mean, umm..."

Nabiki:  "Oh, come on, already... unless you want to just sign over the 
dojo to me...."

Akane:  "Aha!  So that's it!  You just want the dojo!  You're probably 
planning on selling it to the highest bidder!"

Nabiki:  "Oh, please.  Auctions are too chancy.  I've had a standing 
offer on the place for years."

Akane:  "Well, forget it!  Ranma, go on!"

Ranma:  "Nani?!"

Akane:  "You heard me!  Go on.  But I'm coming with...."

Ranma:  [Gulping noises]

Akane:  "... and if you come, I mean so much as one teensy-weensy 
drop..." [pulls out Saotome ancestral sword] "...I'm gonna cut 'em off 
and hang 'em on the dojo walls as a good luck charm, got it?"

Ranma:  "Erk..."


-----Fin------

*******Alternate Ending**********

Akane:  "Well, forget it!  Ranma, go on!"

Ranma:  "Nani?!"

Akane:  "You heard me!  Get upstairs and fuck my sister's brains out!"

Ranma:  "..."

Nabiki:  "C'mon, Ranma-baby.  I hope you aren't _too_ pathetic."

[They get on elevator, while a fuming Akane goes to the bar and orders 
sake by the barrel]

[In the elevator]

Nabiki:  "Okay, Saotome, pay up."

Ranma [Handing over a wad of bills]:  "I still don't believe you got her 
to say that...."  [Shakes head]

Nabiki:  "Hmph.  Human nature.  It's easy....  So, feel like a little 
game of go?  We've gotta convince Akane we're doing something up 
here...."

---Fin---

For those who didn't know, or figure it out from context, "First Night" 
is a semi-apocryphal privilege of feudal lords to have the first night 
with the bride of any of his vassals and serfs.

Kinda like tribal cannibalism, you find lots of groups saying the 
_other_ country did it all the time, but no first-hand accounts.  In 
other words, it _may_ have just been a bit of propoganda--something Lord 
Bundershnutz would say to inspire Lord Shlossenspielfarg's vassals to 
rebel (and, hopefully, swear fealty to Lord B. in the process).

End pseudo-lesson in history.

--Freemage

Now, where'd I put that damn crack pipe?!



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