Date: Thu, 1 Oct 1998 03:04:18 -0400 (EDT)
From: Caroline Seawright <kunoichi@thekeep.org>
To: fanfic@fanfic.com
Subject: [FFML] [Ranma][Short] Changes (Draft 2)

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Ranma 1/2 - Changes                                           [Short 

Story]

All characters portrayed in this fanfic are copyright of Rumiko 

Takahashi

and Shogakukan Inc, etc, etc, etc.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sweet, very sweet.  Nice little mood piece.  Two little suggestions:

Ranma followed her at an easy pace. Before leaving that morning, she'd
given him one of her rare, wonderful smiles that gave him butterflies 

in

his stomach.

The "given him... gave him" read a little clunky to me.  Might I 
suggest, "... smiles that set loose a swarm of butterflies in his 
stomach."

Silence met his statement. Ranma felt as if his heart had disappeared 

and

been replaced with nothingness... he couldn't handle feeling so 

vulnerable.

Nothing in his life had prepared him for any of this ... not love, not
the pain that comes from the hurt he causes in the one he loves, and 

not

for opening his heart to the one he loves.

You know, I only encounter this in WAFF fics, especially Sailor Moon, 
but other series as well.  I know love is eternal, but when used as a 
verb in a past tense story, it's still past tense:  "... the one he 
loved,... the one he loved."

Other than those two quibbles, I heartily enjoyed it.  Thanks for the 
read.

--Freemage

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