DHS wrote:

As I stated earlier, here's my Ushio & Tora solo fanfic. 

WEEEEEEEEE!!! Japan's answer to Calvin and Hobbes (Well, if one took heavy
doses of acid and decided to come up with the stories) 

Its
production was sparked by the thread on fanfic from less well-known
Anime (Which also prompted the posting of that Boku no Marie fic).
I hope this encourages interest in Ushio and Tora, which is in my 
opinion a really great show. 

Agree. I considered trying to write one, but couldn't come up with a plot.

It may very well be the first U&T fanfic
ever, so if it sucks, give me a break, as it is also my first
fictional prose effort in almost a decade. I've only seen the Anime,

Same here, so I won't be the best judge on personalities within the context
of the story.

Blood Ember
Part I

     Aotuski Ushio rose late Sunday morning. Picking up the beast spear
as he got out of bed, he yawned and scratched his head, thinking about
the day. <Asako said she had tickets for a concert, but she didn't say
what time it was or when she and Mayuko would be by.> He yawned again,
stretched, and spoke aloud, "I guess I'll just have to wait here."
    "You snore, brat. I was going to kill you just to shut you up, but
you had that stupid spear."
     Tora's growl pulled Ushio's mind off of music, and onto the nine
foot bundle of supernatural claws, fangs, and orange fur that he had to
deal with every day. 

Since a lot of people have limited knowledge of U+T, you might want to give
a more detailed physical description of the duo. Moreso that you would do
with a Ranma fic, where almost everyone knows what the characters look
like. Say a full paragraph for each.

No longer frightened by the monster's constant
threats, though, he just rolled his eyes and laughed, "Its a good thing
I have a stupid spear, because the monster I need it for is definitely
the stupidest around."

A typical exchange between the two. It helps define their relationship to
those unfamiliar with them.

With that, he slid open the door and headed for
the kitchen.

     In the kitchen waited a menance

menace

not as easy to conquer as Tora.
Ushio's father sat at the table, happily finishing a bowl of cereal.
     "DAD! I bought those EVA Crunchies

Hehehe. Is there an angel in every box?

for myself! How the hell could
you eat them?"
     Shigure gazed serenely at his son, loudly crunching the sweetened
chunks of mecha-shaped corn. His mouth empty, he grumbled, "I hope you
bought it for the free toy, stupid. It wasn't very good, and anyway,
there wasn't very much of it." He then drank the milk from the bowl and
tossed Ushio the plastic Unit 02.
     "You ate the WHOLE BOX?"
     "It wasn't very good. Clean the storeroom today. You didn't do a
very good job last time."

Hey! He removed the nine foot demon that was pinned to the wall. I'd say he
cleaned it out pretty damn well ^_^.

     Ushio wanted to shout out that it was only because the last time
he had cleaned out the storeroom, he had woken up the monster in his
father's stories, but he restrained himself, and instead yelled angrily,
"What? But Asako has tickets to the concert! I can't spend all day in
that stupid, dusty room!"

Shigure: Fine. Clean out the attic. But watch out for the basilisk that's
pinned to the rafters with our magic sword.

     With a CLUNK, the cereal bowl bounced off of Ushio's head. As he
hit the ground, he heard his father say, "Be sure you do a good job, not
like last time. If I come back and its not clean, you'll be in trouble."

[OPENING ANIMATION]

I'd drop this. It detracts from the story.

     "KUSO! Why the hell do you think I'm to help you, brat? You know
I'm going to eat you one day! Why would I help you?"
     "Just lift this box, Tora," Ushio said, hefting his broom, "I need
to sweep behind it."
     "No way in hell! I hate this place! 

No kidding. He was only pinned to the wall there for several hundred years.

I'm going to go eat 
something." With this, Tora turned and began to float towards the door
of the storeroom.

Yep. That's Tora.

     Ushio reached behind himself to grasp the kemono no yaari, 

You might want to mention that this is the name of the spear.

which
he had leaned against a shelf, but thought better of it and let Tora
leave. <Stupid monster,> he thought as he struggled with the large box,
<always making trouble.> Grumbling, he swept the floor of the storeroom,
rearranging boxes as he went along. He was almost halfway done with the
work when Asako and Mayuko arrived.

     "Aotsuki! Aotsuki!" Asako paused in her yelling and muttered,
"Where the hell is that idiot?"
     Asako resumed her yelling even as Mayuko gently scolded her to be
nicer to Ushio. "AOTSUKI!!!! Why should I be nice to him? He's always
been a pain. AOTSUKIIIII!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU, STUPID?????"

That's Asako. Characterizations are good, so far.

     From across the temple courtyard, they heard Ushio yelling,"Asako!
Mayuko! I'm in here!", and they headed towards the storeroom. They did
not notice, however, that they were being watched.
     <Ushio's friends. I wonder if the brown-haired-one brought me
anything to eat.> With that thought, Tora floated down off the roof and
into place behind the two girls.

     Ushio was still sweeping when Asako and Mayuko entered the
storeroom, and before he was even able to stop, Asako was yelling at
him.
     "Do you always forget EVERYTHING, stupid? I told you EVERY DAY at
school that I had these tickets! Sometimes I don't even know why I
bother!" Asako then crossed her arms. "So, do you have anything to say
for yourself?"
     Ushio was about to answer when he saw Tora floating behind Mayuko.
Distracted from what he was going to say, he shouted at the monster.
"Hey! Monster! I thought you had left! What are you doing here?"

Un oh!

     Asako didn't even warn him, she just hit him on the side of the
head, knocking him into a shelf, and turned to go, saying "Come on, we
don't need him, anyway." 

anyway,"

to Mayuko in passing.
     Ushio pulled himself up and rushed after them, shouting apologies.

Hmm? I'm not sure if he do that to Asako. Mayuko he would.

     Only Tora noticed the red mist rising from the jar Ushio had
broken and drifting faster out the door than any air current could be
carrying it.

                                 OMAKE!
Ushio sits typing at a computer with Tora layed out, cat like, atop the
monitor. Tora suddenly rolls off the monitor and onto the keyboard,
shutting off the computer. Ushio grabs the kemono no yaari from behind
his chair and stabs at Tora. Unfortunately for Ushio, Tora evades the
stab and Ushio destroys his computer. Ushio turns towards the camera,
crying, and Tora turns as well, but he is laughing.

I'd put this on the end. Yes, it follows the anime and it's good enough to
be there, but in the fic it just serves as a distraction for me.

     Ushio yawned loudly. The music wasn't terrible, but the five girls
on stage didn't exactly impress him, either. 

"Darling! Just for me smile say goodbye..."

<Oh well,> he thought,
<Asako and Mayuko seem to be enjoying themselves.> Indeed, on either
side of him, they were both standing and singing along with the group on
stage. Mostly bored, Ushio just sat, only half-listening.
     None of them saw the dark red cloud of mist moving towards them.
     Asako and Mayuko stayed on their feet through half the set,
sometimes singing, sometimes cheering, sometimes just standing in rapt
attention. Suddenly, however, Mayuko clutched her stomach and doubled
over in pain, gasping.
     Ushio was awakened by Asako trampling his toes to get to Mayuko.
Shocked out of his sleep, he opened his mouth to yell, but immediately
noticed Mayuko's plight. "Are you okay?" he asked, concerned, "Do you
want to leave?" <Please Please Please, say you want to leave.>, he
silently prayed.

hehehe.

     Mayuko couldn't respond. All she could do was gasp and moan in
pain, hunched over and almost crying. As usual, it was Asako who took
charge. "Ushio! You stay here, I'm taking Mayuko to the restroom." Ushio
nodded, and Asako helped Mayuko out of the seating area.

     Five minutes later, Asako was beginning to get worried. They had
barely made it to the bathroom when Mayuko began to vomit
uncontrollably, but she had emptied the contents of her stomach in the
first minute. Since then, Asako had heard nothing but Mayuko's violent
retching. She was about to go for help when Mayuko staggered out of the
stall, paper-white and trembling, wiping weakly at her mouth. Asako
rushed to her, asking if she was alright.

After hurling her guts for five minutes?

     "No, Asako. Could we get Aotsuki-kun and go back? I really want to
lie down."
     Asako nodded, and they went back out.

     Mayuko made it back to their seats and out of the theater, but
before they had been walking five minutes, her knees gave out and she
feel to the ground. Asako went to her knees next to her friend, trying
to help her up, and Ushio extended a hand, but Mayuko didn't even reach
out. She just lay there, awake but moving only weakly. Asako put her
hand on Mayuko's forehead and exclaimed, "She's burning up! She must be
really sick!" Seeing that there was no way Mayuko would make it home on
her own, 

Probably don't need to include "Seeing that...own'  We can figure that out
on our own and just feels like in unecsasary phrase.

she gestured to Ushio, and said 

said, 

"Carry her to my house. It's
closer than hers or yours." In response, Ushio nodded and hoisted Mayuko
onto his back.

     It was very late before Ushio made his way home. Mayuko had seemed
heavier than usual, and Asako had made him wait in her living room until
she had been able to put Mayuko to bed. Opening the front door, he
noticed that the entire house was dark. <I guess that oyaji is off
somewhere again. Stupid old coot.> His room, as usual, was not empty. In
the gloom, he could see the two palely glowing eyes of his live-in
monster.
     "So, brat, did Blood-Ember catch you?"
     This stopped Ushio in the midst of preparing his futon. Disquieted,
he merely repeated Tora's words. "Blood-Ember?"
     Tora grinned wildly, baring his fangs. "The spirit you let loose
today. Its mad, and it will burn you up." He then let out a barking
laugh. "It will burn you up into ashes. You, and everyone else there
when it got out. Then it'll burn up the whole town and everyone in it!."
     Tora's laughter was now uncontrollable, filling the room.
     Right up until the moment when Ushio put the kemono no yaari
through his foot.

Yep. Standard response on Ushio's part. 

     "EEEEYYYAAAAH!!! You stabbed me!!! Who said you could do that?"

     Halfway across town, Asako got up off the floor and wiped the sweat
from her face. <Its so hot in here.> Hoping to let in some cool air, she
opened the window. On the way back to her futon, she noticed that Mayuko
was tossing and mumbling in her sleep, her face deeply flushed with
fever. <I'd better take her home tomorrow. She should see a doctor.>

[ENDING ANIMATION]


Part II is due in 8-10 working days, and that will be it.
Thank you for your time.

All in all a good start and set up. As I said, characterizations seemed to
be on the mark, though I'd drop the 'animation' bits. It definitely had
that U+T feel for me. Though why did you call it Ep 1/2?

D.B. Sommer