Start with the standard Takahashi disclaimers, and double 'em.

***

Happosai squirmed frantically, but to no avail.  Ranma was sitting 
squarely on top of the old lech while the three Tendo sisters rummaged 
through his drawers looking for their drawers that he'd stolen from 
their drawers.  Oh, it could have been easier; they could have simply 
punted Happosai into the standard lower-earth orbit.  It had been 
agreed, however, that it would be infinitely more punishment for him 
to actually watch as they rifed through his precious collection.  So 
Ranma was occupied keeping a bad man down... which suited him fine.  
He didn't like to deal with panties and bras even when he was female.

The piles -- one for Kasumi's stuff, one for Nabiki's, one for Akane's, 
and one miscellaneous pile -- were growing at a fast clip, when Nabiki 
pulled up short.  "Oi... hey you guys, get a load of this!"  

-----------------------
THE RELIC
a Ranma 1/2 fanfiction
by Ukyou Kuonji
-----------------------

Nabiki lifted a wooden box from the drawer she had been ransacking.  
The lid of the box was bevelled glass, framed in wood, and locked.  
Inside, of course, was a bra-and-panties set.  The old man's eyes 
swelled to twice their size.

"Oh my... that must belong to someone important, or famous to be set 
in a box like this.  You really shouldn't take things like this from 
people; this could be quite valuable to someone."

"Do you think we should return it to its rightful owner, Kasumi 
oneechan?"

"I doubt it."  Nabiki blew on the glass pane of the box, sending a 
theatrical plume of dust into the air.  "It's been untouched for quite 
a while... whoever owns this thing hasn't come looking for it, and it 
probably wouldn't fit them at this point in any case."

"That's right Nabiki, and set it down, if you please."  Happosai 
flailed his arms reaching for the box, and finally popped out from 
underneath Ranma like a champagne cork.  Ranma was sent sprawling to 
the wall by the window, while the old man flew to Nabiki, swiping the 
box from her hands before she could brace herself for the anticipated 
assault.  "I'll take that back now, dear."  Much to Nabiki's surprise, 
the old man simply landed a few feet away, and checked the box to 
assure himself that no harm had come to it.  Satisfied that it was 
undamaged, he looked up and the three girls, who were staring at him 
with no small measure of surprise.

"What's with you girls?  Did you think I was going to attack you?"

Ranma's eyes rolled.  "Geez, whatever gave you *that* idea?"

Happosai wheeled on his insolent student.  "Ranma m'boy, you are the 
*least* qualified to talk right now.  You have no idea what it's like 
to have loved and lost.  Anything I might have gain from touching these 
lovely girls," and he swept his arm toward the Tendo sisters, "would be 
negated by profaning this sacred relic of my lost darling."

Kasumi's eyes widened a bit, but Akane was the first to speak:  "You 
mean to tell us you...?"

"Fell in love?  Ah, yes."  The old man's eyes went sad and dreamy.  
"Believe it or not, she fell in love with me first."

Ranma snorted.  "You're right, I don't believe it.  Is this like that 
story with you and Cologne and that ring?"

The old man didn't deign to answer.  "I'll be honest.  Even I was 
amazed.  Maybe she had a different set of values than people do here.  
Because I was very much like I am today, only worse."

"You mean uglier?"  That remark got a response.  For much of the rest 
of the story, Ranma was unconscious, the victim of the old man's pipe.

"I mean more perverted.  Don't look at me like that, girls... I simply 
mean that I could act on my desires in ways that I can't now.  It's 
just one of those things that you lose when you're my age.  Back then, 
when I would love 'em and leave 'em, I could really love 'em.

"How d'ya think I became the creator and master of Anything-Goes 
Martial Arts?  I was constantly having to defend myself against jilted 
boyfriends and other fellows who'd thought I'd wronged this girl and 
that girl. 

"And then... she came.

"She was a foreigner,a noble girl... I really don't know what she saw 
in me, but she did.  And I enjoyed ever minute of her attention.

"She was the one who taught me (however unwittingly) that the female 
form could give me the energy to defeat my opponants.  There was a 
power, an electricity coursing through her that I could tap into almost 
endlessly.  Whenever I was down and defeated, all I needed was a touch, 
a feel, a smell, and I was a new man.

"Of course, the first thing that new man wanted was usually another 
woman.  She was devoted to me, but she was no fool.  That power of 
hers?  She would use it against me quite often.  Little did she know 
how it was building up my resistance to such attacks.  Not to mention 
building up my own ki.  

"Finally, though, she gave me an ultimatum -- either choose her or 
refuse her.

"I really did love her, you've got to understand.  But I couldn't 
change myself for her anymore than a tiger could change his stripes.  
I had to refuse her.  And I never saw her again.

"A few days later, one of her friends launched a vicious attack on me, 
but I defeated her after a brutal battle.  The poor girl was near 
death, in fact; I had never meant to do her such harm, and told her so.

"She spit out a tooth and said, 'No you never mean to, but you do it 
anyway.  You might as well be a demon, for all the damage you cause.  
First her, and now me.'

"I asked her to explain, and she told me what happened after I had 
issued my refusal.  My darling had gone to her parents, and made them 
swear an oath that whatever was to happen, that they would not hold it 
against myself and Japan, nor would they start a war that would, in any 
case, be futile.

"They did not understand what she was referring to when she spoke of 
futility, but they swore regardless.  Shortly thereafter, she went to 
her chambers, locked the door, and did what she thought her honor 
demanded, in the grand tradition of Japan.  Even to the end, she wanted 
to be part of my world.  She had no second, mind you... when she 
committed seppuku, she spent her last hour in agony.

"Her parents were appalled and livid, but they had sworn an oath, and 
would respect their daughter's wishes.  After all, nothing they could 
do would bring her back.  

"But her friend had made no such oath, and had no compunctions about 
attacking me as she felt I deserved.  Only, as it turned out, she had 
received the punishment and not I, due to my superior skill.

"I brought her back to my darling's parents, and they left for their 
home, along with the rest of their entourage, to try and save her 
friend.  This,"  and he the old man gazed at the box, "was all they 
left me as a reminder of her, of how she loved me, and how I'd treated 
her.

"I've never had another girl since.  I couldn't if I tried.  Anyone 
that willing would always remind me of her, and I couldn't go through 
with it."

Nabiki, still a little too close to Happosai for her own comfort, was 
holding her chest.  "Well, I've noticed your reverence only goes so 
far."

"That?"  Happosai laughed mirthlessly.  "I can't make love anymore, 
what else do I have?  The Art.  And the one way I have to power up 
is..."  He reached out for her, and she scooted backwards across the 
floor on her rear.  He dropped his hand.   "No.  Never mind.  Not now. 

"If you'll excuse me, I'd like to be alone with my memories..."  He 
sniffled a couple of ties, then shuffled out of the room, unopposed.

By this time, Ranma had come to.  "Hey... you're just letting him go?"

"Ranma-kun... I think Grandfather just needs the time to be by himself. 
I don't believe it would do any harm."

Nabiki was still gazing out the door, a bit incredulous.  "No kidding... 
I mean, he didn't attack us or nothing."

"You don't mean to tell me you three *believe* that load of crap?"

Akane just shrugged.  "Not sure, but... well, let's get back to this 
while there's still time, huh?  Is this one yours, Kasumi?"

***

Happposai held the box reverently, and kissed the glass as though it 
were a life-giving icon.  He imagined he could still feel the charge 
from her fingertips, across all these years.  He set the box down and 
wailed out her name to the heavens:

"LUUUM-CHAAAAAAAAN!!"

----------

Hmm... this veered off from where I'd intended it to go.  It was gonna 
be a light, frothy piece about how Happosai was really Ataru Moroboshi 
some eighty or so years later... and while I realize that's as much of 
a stretch as placing the Ranma timeframe in the generations past like I 
did with "How it all ended... and began," I thought it made some sense. 
Surely Lum's lightning attacks, if properly absorbed, could develop a 
great ki-wielding martial artist...

Somewhere along the line, it evolved into a lost-love story that's given 
Happi considerably more heart than even *I* considered him to have.  In 
any case, even 'Kuno-chan' is welcome to give me some suggestions as to 
how to keep it IC... assuming it doesn't wreck the story (and assuming 
he actually *sends* his C&C to authors)

Of course, I'd love to hear from the rest of you, too  ^_^  Until next 
time (and I doubt it'll be long, BTW, ja!

Itsu mo,
Ucchan  ^_~