"TOP TEN EXCERPTS...." (A collection of excerpts from non-existant Ranma 1/2 fanfics) >From the Desk of Megane 6.7 Some of them are endings, some climaxes, others just plain weird. All of the fanfics they are from are fake and were never meant to be written, at least by me. I hope you enjoy them. Warning: This piece contains darkfic stuff, shockfic stuff and even a little lemon. You have been warned. (Drum Roll Please.....) 10. Ranma smiled as he gazed upon his new bride, knowing that he had finally found the one person he was destined to spend the rest of his life with. Ranma turned to face his new lifemate and was about to say something but couldn't find the proper words to express what he was feeling at that moment. "Ranma?" His bride inquired. "Y....Yeah?" Ranma nervously replied. "I....I love you." She gave him a smile that lit up the room, her eyes filled with the tears of joy, of happiness that knew no bounds. "I....I love you too, Cologne." No further words were Necessary as they embraced one another for a kiss....the first of many to come and a future yet unwritten between them, yet a glorious one to be sure. The End. (Excerpted from "You're never too old to be young") 9. Shampoo stared down at the bloody pool. Her eyes were cold as flint, showing neither remorse, regret, or pity. Her mouth was twisted into a crooked smile, the smile of one who had just experienced a guilty pleasure that she had long denied herself. Shampoo took a moment to reflect on the possible repercussions of her actions, wondering if perhaps she had gone too far, that she had been building up a deep and personal resentment and loathing for the now dead victim and that it had clouded her judgment on how to deal with it.... "Nah." Shampoo took a last look and then jumped on her bike and pedaled away from the carnage and soon found herself back at the Nekohanten where she immediately went into the kitchen.... A FEW HOURS LATER.... Kasumi had already prepared dinner and Ranma quickly took a seat at the table and started to stuff his face along with the rest of the Tendo Family. A little while later, Soun finished his meal and sat back with a look of contentment on his face. "Ahhhh...that was splendid. Kasumi, you've outdone yourself." Kasumi blushed at the compliment. "Thank you father but thank Shampoo too. She was the one that brought it to me. Genma and Ranma glanced at Kasumi in surprise. "Really? Genma wondered aloud. "Where did she manage to find a duck around here? They're out of season and very expensive to buy now. "Who knows? Maybe she sent away to China for it or somethin." Ranma shrugged as he picked at the bones. Genma raised an eyebrow and was about to question Kasumi further on the subject when Shampoo suddenly arrived and glomped onto Ranma. A moment later, Akane's mallet crashed onto Ranma's head. "Ni Hao, Ranma!" Shampoo exclaimed joyfully. "You pervert! Can't you wait until the meal's finished before you start flirting with Shampoo?!?" An enraged Akane shouted. Ranma calmly pulled the mallet from his head and turned to face Shampoo. "What is it? I'm tryin to eat here...." Shampoo smiled. "Ranma like duck Shampoo brought him?" "Mmmph?" Ranma took the time to swallow. "Oh yeah, it was great!" Shampoo's smile grew wider. "Shampoo happy you enjoy meal. Mousse would have been happy. "Mousse? Why would he be happy?" Ranma asked. "Because you had him here for dinner...." Ranma stopped in mid-chew while the rest of the Tendo family also stopped eating, their mouths agape. Shampoo paused for a moment and then added with a little grin. "Mousse bother Ranma and Shampoo no more, yes?" (Excerpted from "Duck-Boy: The Last Day") 8. The policeman could only gape in shock. No matter how many times you see death, you never get used to it. But this.... The cop felt the coffee he had drank just an hour ago turn sour. It was a miracle that he hadn't already thrown up from disgust at the carnage. He reached for his portable radio and noticed that his hand was shaking. With a supreme effort, he forced himself to calm down and radioed dispatch for the coroner. Then he walked inside the house, still dripping with the blood of the victims. He blanched as he got a close up view of one of them. The skin of the panda's throat had been ripped and pulled over it's face so it would not only die of blood loss, but of suffocation as well. There were other bodies, some of them with their mouths and eyes glued shut or open. The policeman really didn't want to examine every body to see which was which.... CRASH!!!!! The policeman instantly drew his pistol and aimed it towards the source of the loud noise. At the top of the stairs, a young women, covered with blood and welding a double edged axe glanced down at him and smiled. "W.....W....What h....happened here?" The policeman stammered nervously. The woman glanced down at the bloodbath and then looked back up at the policeman and smiled again.... I JUST GAVE THEM A BACKRUB. (Excerpted from "The Private Diary of Kasumi the Axe Murderess") 7. Ranma could feel his spine shatter. It hurt. A lot. His opponent smirked as Ranma forced himself to get to his feet, trying to balance on his good leg while pressing his arm against his side, trying to keep his ribs inside his body long enough to keep fighting. The otaku sneered at the battered Ranma. "And still you rise? Why don't you just give up? I'm immortal now, nothing can stop me from taking over the entire universe!" His voice was shrill as he began to gather up his ki again. Meanwhile, Akane was still suspended over the rocks, the ancient rope holding her up beginning to fray under her weight. At the same time, the jug containing the water from the Nannichuan teetered on the edge of the cliff, another few centimeters and it would be gone forever, as would any chance of Ranma becoming a whole man again. The otaku laughed, the laugh of pure insanity as he prepared to launch the mother of all ki-blasts at Ranma. "PREPARE YOURSELF FOR OBLIVION!!!" The otaku screamed as he fired off the ki-blast and sent it hurling towards Ranma, the light from it blinding all of Ranma's senses.... Then it hit, the explosion was deafening, the light was blinding, Akane was screaming..... "RANMAAAAAAAAAA!!!!" The otaku laughed to himself as the blast began to clear. "I wish I could say you were a worthy opponent Saotome. But in reality, you sucked....huh?" The otaku gasped in shock when the blast finally cleared and revealed a steaming and very *PISSED* Ranma still alive, if not battered beyond recognition. "R....Ranma?!?! I....Is that you?!?" "HERE'S A HINT.... MOKO TAKABISHA REVISED!!! SONIC GENOCIDE SMASH!!!!" The otaku had one brief moment to blink in surprise before the shockwave from Ranma's latest improvisation tore him to shreds. "IT'S NOT POSSIBLE!!! NO ONE CAN DEFEAT AN OTAKU!!!! NO ONE!!!!!!" he managed to scream before his body was ripped to shreds and forced back into the realms from which he came. Ranma collapsed to his knees, exhausted from the effort and from the previous beating he had received. As he tried to catch his breath, he made a mental note never to make a snide remark about revengefic writers ever again. "RANMA YOU IDIOT!!! I'M STILL HERE!!!" Ranma quickly rose to his feet and began to walk toward where Akane was still hanging over the edge when he noticed the jug of Nannichuan water had somehow managed to stay on the edge of the cliff. Ranma looked at it, then at Akane, then back at the jug. "RANMA!!! DON'T YOU DARE EVEN THINK ABOUT GOING FOR THE WATER BEFORE ME!!!" Akane screamed so loud, her voice was instantly hoarse. Ranma sighed. He had once sacrificed a chance for a cure to save Akane. Once more time shouldn't hurt. Slowly, reluctantly, Ranma turned his attention towards Akane and began to walk towards her.... *SNAP* AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!! "AKANE!!!" Ranma dove towards the edge of the cliff, ignoring the pain of his battered body as he made a grab towards the rope holding Akane up. It was a desperate move, one any high school football coach would have been proud of.... But he missed. "Shoot." Ranma snapped his fingers. "If only I hadn't hesitated for that brief moment, I might have been able to save her. Oh well, at least I still have my....cure? Ranma looked at the cliff in dismay as the jug of water once hanging on the edge had finally lost it's grip and plunged down into the chasm. "Crap." Ranma sighed again and sat down where the jug once stood and peered down into the seemingly bottomless drop. Then he heard the sound of someone grunting and groaning and glanced over to see a pair of hands appear at the top of the cliff. "AKANE! YOU'RE OKAY!" Ranma was lost in bliss as he ran towards the pair of hands trying to lift themselves up. "This time I'm going to do it right!" Ranma thought to himself with excitement. "No more pretending! This time I'm going to tell Akane how I really feel about her!" Ranma had almost reached her when Akane pulled herself over the top and Ranma quickly ground to a halt. For the first time in his life, Ranma was too shocked to make a joke as the now *Male* Akane handed Ranma the pieces of the broken Nannichuan jug. "You wanted this?" he inquired sarcastically. (Excerpted from "Ranma 1/2: The Otaku that Wouldn't Die") 6. It was time for the truth. Nokoda swallowed hard as she felt the eyes of the entire Tendo family on her. "W....Well....I....I just want you to know....that I never planned on this happening....not at first, anyway...." Genma felt his hand wanting to ball into fists. He had to remain calm, at least until she told him which man she had been having the affair with. THEN he would kill him. Ranma, not surprisingly was thinking upon similar lines. He simply could not fathom his mother cheating on Pop, even if he was an idiot, which meant someone had put her up to it and when he found out who that person was.... Soun was calm, which was surprising considering the circumstances, he had known Nokoda even longer than Soun had, He had introduced the two when they were younger and it had seemed that their marriage would last forever. Now, though.... Kasumi was busy cleaning up the dishes from tonight's dinner but none the less kept her ears wide open as to the identity of Nokoda's lover. It had been a shock to her for Nokoda reminded her so much of her own dearly departed mother and to find out that Nokoda was capable of cheating on her husband, the man she had swore an oath to be forever faithful to, was almost beyond her comprehension.... Nabiki sulked in her chair, silently seething over the loss of the profit that keeping this secret from everyone would have surely given her. Nokoda, as far as she could tell, wasn't as cheap as Genma and Ranma and she would have made a tidy sum if her father hadn't opened his big mouth and told her to spit it out. Still, she could make a deal with whomever Nokoda's lover turned out to be.... Dispite her now being off the hook, Akane was still nervous. She had known who Nokoda had been having the affair with since the beginning and had desperately been trying not to betray Nokoda's trust, especially to Nabiki. At first she had simply wanted to kill him, but Nokoda had assured her that she instigated the sex and that she was to take the full blame for it. Even though adultery was wrong, she couldn't help but understand why Nokoda had done it. Genma was hardly the perfect husband. Hiding Ranma away from her and helping Happosai steal food and ladies undergarments. Still, her heart was pounding as she waited for Nokoda to come clean. After a long moment, Nokoda spoke again. "I....I was lonely....terribly lonely....being without your husband or son was almost too much to bear....I had always hoped to visit you here at the doujou but you were always away on a training trip...." Both Ranma and Akane glared at Genma who paled noticeably. "So one day, he came to my home asking for directions. It was late and a thunderstorm was brewing outside so I invited him to spend the night in my house. I was just trying to be kind to a passing traveler and he was very polite to me." Nokoda took a deep breath and continued. "I made him some tea and we started talking. We had a lot in common. His mother and father had left him at an early age. He had been traveling for most of his life and was lonely himself. We talked some more and then....well...." "Go on!" Genma almost shouted. Ranma's face had suddenly turned white. "T....Traveling.....asking for d....directions...." Nokoda closed her eyes. "O....One thing lead to another and that's when it happened. We made love. It was a one night stand. N....Nothing more." Ranma's face was white as a piece of chalk as he croaked. "What....was his name?" Nokoda hesitated. "The name! Give us a name!" Genma demanded, cracking his knuckles in readiness. Nokoda sighed and was about to tell them when suddenly.... "Pardon me. Can you tell me how to get to....Hey! I made it!" Everyone turned as one to see Ryouga Hibiki standing by the door, a look of joy on his face at finally finding his destination. His expression though quickly changed to a look of haunted recognition as he saw Nokoda. Nokoda's eyes went wide as she pointed towards him. "T....That's him! That's the man I've been having the affair with!" There was a dead silence. Soun and Akane both winced. Nabiki, for the first time in her life, was too shocked to take advantage of the situation. Even Kasumi, the picture of utter calm, stuttered as she exclaimed. "Oh my....GOD!!!" Ranma and Genma were a different story though. Their battle auras had never been brighter as they slowly rose to their feet and began to stalk towards Ryouga. "W....Wait a second!!" Ryouga stammered nervously, wondering why Akane wasn't stalking him as well. "You mean you know this woman?" "SHE'S MY WIFE/MOTHER!!!" Genma and Ranma screamed simultaneously as they leapt upon Ryouga and started to beat the living crap out of him. Akane immediately tried to stop them, knowing Ryouga wasn't totally to blame. "Stop it! You're going to kill him!" Akane frantically looked around for something to give them pause and she found it with a glass of cold water. "Cool down!" she shouted as she dumped the glass of water over the three of them. Then she dropped the glass in shock. There right in front of her eyes, were a furious pig-tailed girl, an equally furious panda.... And a small little pig named P-Chan..... (Excerpted from "Ranma 1/2: Aftermath of the Storm") 5. No doubt about it. This had been a pretty good day. Nabiki was virtually skipping as she counted up her latest accumulation of wealth from the photos of the pig-tailed girl that she had sold to Kunou. "What a fool...." she muttered to herself. "You'd think by now he would have figured out that Ranma and the pig-tailed girl are one and the same.... Then again, it was fortunate for her that he hadn't. Otherwise, she never would have been able to keep her financial empire afloat for such a long period of time. She was truly the mistress of the yen..... *Sung briefly to the tune of "Master of the House" from Les Miserables.* Welcome Kunou Sit yourself down And meet the best Exploiter in town. As for the rest All of them kooks Chasing Saotome Most of them cooks Seldom do you see Honest girls like me I make many a cent And am content to be Mistress of the Yen Doling out the Charm Ready with a handshake I mean you no harm I'll keep a saucy secret Or spill it to the town Depends on what you ask, But I will never frown Glad to do my friends a favor As long as profit can be made But nothing gets you nothing Everything has a special price! Mistress of the Yen Keeper with a clue Ready to relieve you Of a hundred or two. Exaggerate the truth Cleaning off the slate Picking up their tidbits And twisting their hate Everybody hates a welcher Everybody's got their price I'll do what I please And I'll suck them dry of every single yen! (Excerpted from "Ranma 1/2: The Musical") 4. Shampoo moaned in ecstasy as Gosunkugi tenderly kissed the nape of her neck, her long legs wrapping around his waist as she eagerly plastered her body to his, her well-endowed chest pressing into Gosunkugi's own. Her hands played with his chest hairs. All two of them. "Do you want me?" Gosunkugi asked in a whiny voice. "More than anything, Ai Ren...." Shampoo replied huskily as Gosunkugi undid the buttons on Shampoo's dress, one by one, while Shampoo stuck her hand down the front of Gosunkugi's pants and gasped in shock. "It....It so big! It no fit!" Gosunkugi grinned. "We'll just have to find out won't we? (Excerpted from "Ranma 1/2: Beauty and the Least") 3. The two warriors faced off against each other behind the school. Neither of them willing to show the other even the slightest trace of fear. "I hoped it wouldn't have to come to this....But now I see it's time to find out once and for all who the best marital artist is." Ranma said as he clenched his fists in determination. The other figure nodded in agreement and took up a classic cedar posture. Ranma gathered up his ki, intending to throw his most powerful technique, the one that rarely failed him. Then once he was ready.... "HIRYU SHOTEN HA!!!" An enormous whirlwind of massive proportions hurled itself towards his opponent. At the same time, Ranma could hear a voice screaming.... "COSMIC SHISHI HOUKOUDAN!!!" That was the last thing Ranma heard as the universe exploded. (Excerpted from "The Hibiki Heard Round the Universe.") 2. Tatewaki Kunou sat in his dressing room, perhaps for the last time. He had a lot of good memories here. Photos of his past shows, people he had met along the way, places he had visited in his long and industrious career. He felt a pang of regret that he had to retire now, that people just weren't seeing him as much as they used too. His manager had warned him to retire while he was on top but the truth was that he had loved the stage so much that he couldn't bear to leave until he felt he was ready. Now his manager had left him, along with a tidy share of his money from the divorce settlement. Nabiki never did understand his needs fully, never understood that to him, his audience was his oxygen and without it he would die, perhaps not on the outside, but on the inside. Then the door opened and the stage manager stuck his head in the door. "Five minutes, Mr. Kunou!" "That's UPPERCLA...." Kunou trailed off as the door was already closed, his scolding unheeded. Kunou sighed and then put the finishing touches on his make-up. If tonight truly was his last performance then he would make it his finest. He owed nothing less to his fans. * * * "And now ladies! As manager of "The Blue Thunder" It's my pleasure to introduce the star of our show, the personification of poetry, the excellence of elegance, Ladies, Here's is Tatewaki Kunou! The cheers were deafening as Kunou made his way on stage dressed in a tuxedo and with cape and hat to match. Kunou bowed towards his audience and then the lights went out and a single spotlight illuminated him as he began to speak. "Ladies, this will be my final show and...." "TAKE IT OFF!!! TAKE IT OFF!!!" The women drowned him out. "Must they always interrupt my opening speech?" Kunou sighed inwardly as he began to strip for the ladies. (Excerpted from "These Nine Abilities of Mine") And the number one passage from a fanfic which wish we hadn't started reading in the first place.... 1. 5. Oh Dad! Oh Kasumi! Oh Ranko! Oh Nokoda! Oh Happosai! (Excerpted from "Top Ten Rejected Lines for a Lemon Fanfic") THE END. C&C is welcome. :) (fcasper@yesic.com)