[We see our gang of heroes and heroines (Ranma, Akane, Ukyou,
Shinnosuke, and Hitomi) getting ready to board Kirin's boat for
a ride home]
Kirin: Fare well on your trip.
Ranma: Thanks!
[The castle shakes from an explosion downstairs. A page boy
runs up to Kirin.]
Page Boy: Sir, six armies of demons have invaded the dungeons.
Kirin: ...
Ukyou: Six entire armies?
Page Boy: Well, six different forces, several dozen each.
Kirin: WHY?
Page Boy: [steps back, pales slightly] I don't know, my lord.
Something about Happousai.
Hitomi: Happousai?
Ukyou: Happousai. Great. Just Great.
[Onna-Happousai runs up and leaps on the boat.]
Onna-Happousai: GET THIS THING IN MOTION!
Kirin: Happousai, why have you unleashed demons on us?
Ranma: That's Happousai? [boggles]
Onna-Happousai: Herb tricked me into it!
Ranma: Herb's here?
Kirin: Even Herb isn't crazy enough to unleash dozens of
demons...
Onna-Happousai: [interrupting] Hundreds, actually.
Kirin: Hundreds of demons, then. WHY?
Onna-Happousai: Apparently, Herb sold his soul to Mephisto,
Satannish, Dispater, Mammon, Dormammu, Beelzebub, Arawn,
Cthulhu, Elvis, Graz'zt, Hunter Thompson, Chthon, Thulsa Doom,
and some girl in a brothel in Singapore. At least six of the
above just sent their armies to collect.
Ranma: No way!
Onna-Happousai: Look, we don't have long before they stop
fighting each other and team up to come after us too. I know
how to stop them, but I need help.
Kirin: Are you sure you're not the one who sold your soul?
Ukyou: I doubt he has one to sell.
Kirin: Good point.
Onna-Happousai: [desperately] Look, we have to go and go NOW!
Look, if I was lying, I'd just steal the boat and leave you all
here to die, right?
Hitomi: You would? [whacks her with a broom] You're evil!
Onna-Happousai: Hey, I said I'd do that IF I was lying! Don't hit
me! I need your help, Ranma, and the rest of you's help too.
Ranma: If you're trying to trick us into helping you on a panty
raid...
Onna-Happousai: I give up. I'm leaving. You want to stay here
and die, be my guest. [hops onto the flying boat]
Kirin: [frowns] What exactly do you need them to do?
Onna-Happousai: We have to go to the temple of the Angry
Buddha.
Kirin: [blanches] You're kidding.
Ranma: The what?
Hitomi: You can't have a temple of the ANGRY Buddha. Buddhas
don't get angry. [pauses] Well, maybe if you met Buddha on the
road and killed him. That would make me angry.
Shinnosuke: Maybe he forgot he was a Buddha and got mad.
Hitomi: So he's your evil twin, then.
Onna-Happousai: I don't have time to explain it all! We're
leaving! Now!
Kirin: If Happousai is desperate enough to risk the temple of
the Angry Buddha, then he must be telling the truth. [pauses,
then smirks] She must be telling the truth.
Onna-Happousai: I am NOT a woman!
Hitomi: I wish I looked as feminine as you.
[Ranma laughs while Onna-Happousai froths]
Kirin: Take the boat with my blessing on your quest. I must go
rally my forces. And hurry.
Hitomi: [to Shinnosuke] Why did we come on this trip?
Shinnosuke: We're on a trip?
[Hitomi screams so loudly the castle shakes]
***************
Furinkan Summer #10
"The Temple of the Angry Buddha.
Round 1, Fight!"
By John Biles
"Summer Fields"--The FS Theme.
My anger hides a loving heart;
My anger drives us far apart.
Only your love can heal the pain,
For it's your smile that brings the rain
That helps love's fields to grow.
Walk with me through summer's field
So we can help our hearts to heal.
Stride through the grass and smell the air
Under the sun without a care.
I want to walk with you.
We hid our love behind our pride,
Never letting others inside.
To end those lies must be our task;
Tear down the walls; Throw out the masks
We used to hide from love.
Walk with me through summer's field
So we can help our hearts to heal.
Stride through the grass and smell the air
Under the sun without a care.
I want to walk with you.
Love does not end with "I Love You",
Not if what the things we said were true.
We have to strive to make it grow.
We have to let our feelings show
Else love will fade like dew.
***************
[Back in Vegas, Ryouga and Nabiki are helping his parents pack
to go meet her father in Japan. This is not helped by her having
to make sure none of the three ever leave her sight. This is
starting to try her patience, as they can't even be sent to the
bathroom without a rope or the guide cat or dog.]
Nabiki: I don't think they'll let you take the Karaoke machine as
a carryon, Mr. Hibiki.
Ken: But...Life without Karaoke isn't worth living!
Nabiki: We have one, anyway.
Ryoko: I'll just go grab the CDs. [starts to head for the living
room. Nabiki grabs her]
Nabiki: Take Runt with you. [puts the huge dog's leash in her
hands]
Ryoko: [frowns] I'm only going 20 feet away.
Nabiki: I've gone from Tokyo to eastern Kansas in 60 seconds
with Ryouga because I didn't look where we were going. You
could end up on Mars.
Ken: No Hibiki has ever ended up on Mars.
****************
[We see a man who bears a strong resemblence to Ken, but
dressed in jungle fatigues, tracking across a grey, dusty desert
under a starry sky.]
Ryu Hibiki: [Ken's brother] Hmm. This doesn't LOOK like I'm
getting any closer to Saigon. Maybe this walking tour was a bad
idea.
[He sees an odd multi-legged gold and grey platform off in the
distance. There is a flag flying near it. He runs towards it,
then blinks at the US flag.]
Ryu: First that weird ruined palace, then a US flag in the
middle of Vietnam. [looks at his map] And I can't find this
desert on here. Hrmph. I probably got conned by my travel
agent and he sent me to the Mojave or something. That's in the
US, right? [looks up at the sky] And the Moon looks funny, too.
[The camera view pulls back and we can see the Earth hanging
in the sky over where Ryu is standing.]
Ryu: [snaps a shot of the platform and flag] I can use this as
proof to complain to my travel agent. Right? [pauses] I really
need to stop talking to myself all the time.
**************
[The living room of the Saotome household. Soun and Genma are
playing Shogi. Grandma and Grandpa Saotome are watching
Speed Racer: Trixie's Revenge on the TV.]
Nodoka: [comes out of the kitchen] Will everyone be here for
dinner?
Grandma: Of course.
Nodoka: Best go clean up, dear. My parents are coming to
dinner.
Grandpa: [freezes up for a moment, then says]
Your...parents...are... coming?
Nodoka: They thought they'd come stay with us for a week.
Soun: It's been quite a while. I look forward to seeing them.
Grandma: It's a pity that my husband and I have to go hide at
the bottom of the Paris sewer in a few hours. I was looking
forward to seeing your parents again. Really.
Grandpa: [springs to his feet, and hefts Genma over one
shoulder] Come, Son. We've got to go dig a really deep hole and
not come out for a few centuries.
Nodoka: [grabs Genma] I'm keeping my husband.
Grandpa: Didn't they swear to eat the heart of every Saotome if
they ever saw any of us again?
Genma: Run, Dad, RUN!
Nodoka: They won't eat my husband's heart. Especially if they
sate themselves on your hearts first.
[Grandpa and Grandma run out the door. We hear frenzied
packing, and then a car driving away.]
Soun: I didn't realize they had a car.
Nodoka: [sighs] Well, it was costing too much to fix, anyway.
Genma: [cries] I'm going to die.
Nodoka: They won't eat your heart.
Genma: They said if I didn't shape up, they'd shave my head!
Nodoka: You're bald, dear.
Genma: [pauses] They'll shave my feet.
Soun: Why would you care?
Genma: They'll use a chainsaw.
Nodoka: My parents are not monsters!
Genma: If they just wanted to eat my flesh, I'd be a lot happier.
Nodoka: [waves her arms, sounds rather aggravated] They don't
want to eat your flesh!
Genma: Ahah! I've figured out what to do!
Soun: What?
Genma: Get me a bucket.
Nodoka: No bucket! No running away!
Genma: Mark my words, you'll be begging me for directions to
the Drowned Panda pool by the time this is done.
*************
[We see the flying boat cruising over a desert. Everyone is
lounging around bored.]
Hitomi: Are we there yet?
Shinnosuke: Yes.
Hitomi: [blinks] We are?
Shinnosuke: Wherever you go, there you are.
Hitomi: [only barely restrains herself from killing Shinnosuke]
Okay, Happousai, tell us about this Temple of the Angry Buddha.
Onna-Happousai: Once upon a time, there was a Buddhist Priest.
Ukyou: This isn't the story where he ends up sleeping with the
farmer's daughter, is it?
Onna-Happousai: No.
Ukyou: Or the one where he is tricked into marrying a cow?
Onna-Happousai: No.
Ukyou: Or the one where he tied up the cat every day during
prayers and....
Onna-Happousai: Would you like to tell this story?
Akane: It's not very exciting so far.
Onna-Happousai: [twitches] I haven't been able to start it
because none of you know how to shut up.
Shinnosuke: How to shut what up?
Onna-Happousai: Once upon a time there was a desperate
master of martial arts who was highly tempted to kick a bunch
of people off a boat flying 2000 feet in the air over a desert
that instantly kills anyone who lands on it. [pauses] Would you
like to see how this story ends, or shall I go back to my first
one?
Hitomi: The desert kills people?
Onna-Happousai: The boat seems to have chosen the approach to
the temple that crosses the Deadly Desert, which instantly
kills anyone touching it.
Akane: You're making this up.
Onna-Happousai: [advances on Akane] Would you like to
participate in a demonstration of whether or not I'm lying?
Akane: [big eyes] Umm...no.
Onna-Happousai: Once upon a time, there was a Buddhist priest.
[pauses and looks around. Silence.] His name was Ohwa Tagu,
which means 'Keeper of Wisdom' in the ancient Akkadian tongue,
and 'Self-Righteous Twit' in Ancient Unabridged Davidian.
However, he was of the obscure culture known as the Tchu-
Tchus, who had branched away from the Tcho-Tchos when they
abandoned cannibalism and took up running convenience stores.
They're one of the few cultures to invent the hotdog before the
wheel. [Everyone looks VERY dubious] Anyway, so in their
tongue, his name meant 'District Manager'. However, he had
become a priest against his parent's wishes, managing a temple
of the obscure sect of Golden Ohm Way Buddhism. He sold
trinkets, blessing strips, and love charms, performed
exorcisms, and convinced people to set up subsidiary temples in
return for 'official' trinkets, strips, and charms provided by
him. He had become quite wealthy by middle age, and had
largely retired, spending two hours a day blessing strips in
bulk, and occassionally performing special blessings and the
monthly worship ceremonies. Then one day...
************
[We see Ohwa Tagu, a fat, balding man in an ochre robe, kneeling
before a statue of the Fat and Happy with a Bump On His Head
Buddha]
Ohwa Tagu: Ohm....Ohmm....Dulang Dulang....Dulang Dulang...Ohm...
Ohmm...Unskinny Bop...Bop...Bop...Potato Pancake. [gets up] I
need to come up with some less boring mantras. I nearly fell
asleep.
[There is a resounding pop, and the Angry Buddha appears. He
looks like a typical Happy Buddha...played by Arnold
Schwarzenegger circa the mid-eighties...with a heavy scowl on
his face and a seven foot long prayer rod...with stone ribbons
hanging from it.]
Angry Buddha: Ahem.
Ohwa Tagu: [turns around] What are you doing here? The
uninitiated are not allowed into this sacred chamber. Unless of
course you've made the proper offerings to the Golden Ohm
Buddha. Even then, you have to repeat the lesser mantras
twelve times first.
Angry Buddha: I am the Buddha of Anger.
Ohwa Tagu: [laughs] And I'm the Buddha of Illusion. There is no
such thing. Besides, Anger is NOT a Buddhist virtue.
Angry Buddha: You have exploited the kindness of the Buddhas
and the trust of the people to steal their wealth in the name of
Enlightenment. I've come to teach you the error of your ways.
Ohwa Tagu: Why are you mad that I teach people to worship
you? Sure, I'm not living in poverty, but...
Angry Buddha: We don't want to be worshipped! I didn't fast for
thirty years because I wanted people to think I was a god, or
that I could somehow give them my enlightenment! And I stuck
around and taught people so they could learn how to achieve
enlightenment and gain the release of Nirvana themselves!
Ohwa Tagu: So you're saying that you're mad because I don't
kick people in the head and tell them to do all the work
themselves? Like you did? That you don't want me to share the
blessings I've earned with others?
Angry Buddha: [yells] No! That's not what I'm saying!
Ohwa Tagu: Then you want me to continue with what I'm doing.
Angry Buddha: No!
Ohwa Tagu: But I told you what I was doing, and you said it was
okay.
Angry Buddha: I'm afraid I'm going to have to show you a new
path to enlightenment.
Ohwa Tagu: What's it called?
Angry Buddha: Peace through superior firepower. [proceeds to
pound Ohwa into the ground with the stone prayer rod]
************
[Back on the boat]
Onna-Happousai: Ohwa retired the next day, and his disciples
divided on the issue of what to do next. One branch continues
to follow the Ohwa school of Golden Ohm Way Buddhism. A
second branch decided to take up yak herding. A third group
moved to Japan and founded the obscure sect, Yen Buddhism.
But the youngest of his disciples, or regional managers as he
called them, went off into the wilderness and built the temple
of the Angry Buddha, founding an order of monks who would
fight against evil.
Ranma: [yawns] Tell us another story. I could use a good nap.
Onna-Happousai: [looks around and sees everyone but Hitomi is
snoozing or almost asleep] Idiots.
Hitomi: So you expect these monks to beat up the demons? Why
do we even have to worry about the demons since we got away
from the castle?
Onna-Happousai: I was present at the summoning. They can't
return to Hell until I've been dealt with.
Hitomi: So why should we care if they drag you off?
Onna-Happousai: Fighting demons is the task of honorable
martial artists.
Hitomi: So why should I care if they drag you off?
Onna-Happousai: Because I'll cling to your legs if you don't
help, so they'll drag you off too.
Hitomi: You don't look very tough. [ten seconds later, Onna-
Happousai has her hog-tied and hanging from one of the masts]
Maybe I need to have my eyes checked.
**************
[We see Shinnosuke, Ukyou, and Hitomi lying on their backs on
the deck, looking up at the starry sky]
Hitomi: Where's Ranma and Akane?
[Shinnosuke and Ukyou wince in unison]
Ukyou: Busy.
Hitomi: I've got some cards, but all the games I like need four
people.
Shinnosuke: We could invite Happousai to play.
Hitomi: [shakes her head] I think she'd cheat. And I think the
demons are really after her. She may even plan to give us to
them.
Ukyou: I think she's serious. She hasn't tried to grope anyone at
all.
Hitomi: Whatever. Anyway, where'd they go?
Ukyou: This boat has some bedrooms. They're using one of
them. [winces]
Hitomi: I can't believe they've gone to bed this early. The only
good thing about this trip is staying up as late as I want.
Ukyou: [laughs faintly] I doubt they're sleeping.
Hitomi: [starts to get up] I'll go see if...
Shinnosuke: [grabs her hand] Not a good idea.
Hitomi: Why?
Shinnosuke: You're too young to know.
Ukyou: [nods] Trust us. They won't want to be disturbed.
[winces again]
Hitomi: Are you in pain? You keep making these faces.
[imitates Ukyou wincing]
Ukyou: Not any physical pain.
Hitomi: [sighs] Whatever. So what are they doing? Why can't I
know?
Shinnosuke: You're only twelve.
Hitomi: [irritated] I'm surprised you can even remember my
age.
Shinnosuke: Better than you can remember any manners, I think.
Hitomi: [gets up] Forget it! Everyone on this boat is NUTS but
me! [stomps off]
Shinnosuke: [gets up] Hitomi! I didn't mean to... [she ignores
him and heads off to the front of the boat. He sighs] Maybe we
should have told her.
Ukyou: If she couldn't guess, better to let her keep her
innocence. [sighs] I wish I had mine. Sometimes I wish I'd
never heard of love or thought about sex, or anything.
Shinnosuke: Did you and Ranma ever...
Ukyou: [gets big eyes] NO! [blushes] I've kissed him a few
times, and he kissed me once, but... [sighs] I'm a virgin.
Shinnosuke: I think I'm a virgin too.
Ukyou: ...
Shinnosuke: Given my memory, I might have forgotten
something. I'd like to hope I'd remember, but I can't even
remember if I ever told Akane I loved her. [pauses] I think I
did. But then, I once watched a TV show and remembered the
events as something that happened to me. I don't watch TV
anymore if I can help it.
Ukyou: Have you even ever been kissed?
Shinnosuke: [shakes his head] I don't think so. [pauses] Not
counting relatives. Aunt Meiko usually kisses me when she
comes to visit. She'll kiss anything that moves, though.
Ukyou: [laughs] Probably related to Happousai.
Shinnosuke: Happousai does sort of look like her.
Ukyou: [laughs again] I hope she doesn't act like him.
Shinnosuke: You hope who doesn't act like him?
Ukyou: [blinks] Your aunt Meiko.
Shinnosuke: You've met my aunt?
Ukyou: [thinking] This is surreal.
Shinnosuke: So what's kissing like, anyway?
Ukyou: [blinks] You forgot you told me about your aunt Meiko,
but you remember I told you I'd kissed Ranma?
Shinnosuke: You've kissed Ranma? Didn't Akane get mad?
Ukyou: She doesn't know.
Shinnosuke: Before they got married?
Ukyou: They're not married yet.
Shinnosuke: [eyes widen] They're...but they're not married?
Ukyou: [thinking] Geez, I feel old and corrupt now. [speaking] I
was engaged to Ranma for a long time.
Shinnosuke: Well, you don't have to be engaged to someone to
kiss them. Was he a good kisser?
Ukyou: [nods firmly] It was a great kiss. He'll never kiss me
again, but at least I know what it would have been like.
Shinnosuke: I never got to kiss Akane. [sighs] I did get to eat
her cooking, which was almost as good, though.
Ukyou: [laughs, thinking] I pray for Ranchan's sake that she
kisses better than she cooks.
Shinnosuke: I'm surprised he didn't marry you. Or did he think
you didn't kiss well enough?
Ukyou: [eyes widen] What?
Shinnosuke: [thoughtfully] Maybe he decided to marry the
better kisser.
Ukyou: I did NOT scare him off with how I kiss.
Shinnosuke: Are you sure?
Ukyou: I didn't!
Shinnosuke: I mean...You're very pretty and very nice, and you
fight well, and you're very patient...at least compared to Hitomi.
Of course, everyone is patient compared to Hitomi. Anyway, I
can't understand why he didn't want to marry you.
Ukyou: [sags and sighs] Maybe he likes being beat up.
Shinnosuke: Akane would never beat someone.
Ukyou: [twitches] Maybe eating Akane's cooking too much
destroys men's brains so they fall in love with her. Kunou's
brain was destroyed before he met her, so he fell for her first...
Shinnosuke: [angrily] Akane's cooking is WONDERFUL! [stands
up] I won't stand for this!
Ukyou: You're standing now.
Shinnosuke: [sits down] I won't stand for this!
Ukyou: [laughs] Stand for what?
Shinnosuke: [blinks] Should I stand up?
Ukyou: [laughs more] So you've never kissed a girl? Ever?
Shinnosuke: Is that what we're talking about? [shakes his
head] Weren't we having a fight?
Ukyou: I think I got your point.
Shinnosuke: Good. Yeah, I've never kissed a girl.
Ukyou: [sidles a little closer to him] But you wonder what it's
like?
Shinnosuke: Yeah. I mean, I've dreamed about kissing Akane,
but it's not the same thing. Right?
Ukyou: Real kisses are much better. [looks intently at
Shinnosuke] You wanna find out what it's like?
Shinnosuke: [dreamily] Yeah.
Ukyou: [suddenly lunges over and kisses him on the lips,
wrapping her arms around him. His eyes widen to about twenty
times normal size for a second, then he returns to normal and
leans into the kiss. After twenty or so seconds, Ukyou sits
back, her face a mask of shock] Eep. That was... [thinking] Eeg.
I'm trembling. Just like when I kissed Ranma. Is this gonna
happen every time I kiss someone?
Shinnosuke: [wide eyed] Wow. That was...wow. [looks
nervously at Ukyou] Umm...uh...thank you.
Ukyou: [thinking] I can't believe I did that. He'll probably
forget it ever happened twenty minutes from now. Why am I so
scared? I feel like I did something wrong. [speaking] You're
welcome. You can tell the next girl you kiss that I taught you.
[laughs] If you remember this happened.
Shinnosuke: [shaking slightly] I think even I can't forget this.
Ukyou: Just try to make sure you don't tell them I was your
mom.
Shinnosuke: [big eyes] You're my mother? Is this like Back to
the Future?
Ukyou: [thinking] It's times like this that I understand why
people take oaths of silence.
***************
[We see Nodoka answering the door at the Saotome house.
Genma and Soun are playing Shogi. An old man and an old
woman stand in the doorway. They look to be in their sixties or
maybe seventies, with grey hair in severe hair styles, and very
nice clothing. The woman bears a strong resemblance to
Nodoka, while the man bears some resemblence to Soun,
especially his moustache and eyes.]
Nodoka: Mother! Father! [hugs them]
Genma: I think I hear my mother calling. [stands to run]
Soun: [stands up] Tanuki-san! So good to see you! [walks over
and shakes hands with Grandpa Tanuki]
Grandpa Tanuki: It is good to see you again, Tendo-san. How
are your wife and children?
Soun: My children are fine. I'm afraid my wife has been dead
for ten years.
Grandpa Tanuki: And she's not gotten better in all this time?
Soun: ...
Grandma Tanuki: This isn't a good time for jokes, dear.
Grandpa Tanuki: [rubs his ears] Wait, did you say she was
dead?
Soun: Yes.
Grandpa Tanuki: Oh, I thought you said she had been in bed for
ten years. Sorry.
Grandma Tanuki: [tries to mime the phrase 'hard of hearing'
without Grandpa Tanuki seeing] We're very sorry for you.
Grandpa Tanuki: [looks around] Amazing. Saotome-san isn't
hiding behind the furniture.
Genma: [straining to escape Nodoka's iron grip] Why would I
hide behind the furniture?
Grandpa Tanuki: Well, I thought you had wimped out and weren't
going to commit suicide after all. Can we finish that before
dinner? That way we can't lose our meal if it gets gruesome.
Genma: [turns to Nodoka] WHY DID YOU TELL THEM I WAS GOING
TO COMMIT SUICIDE?
Grandpa Tanuki: Well, if you'd rather have privacy for it, we
can come back later. I assumed it was just going to be the
centerpiece of the night's festivities.
Nodoka: I did NOT tell you that Genma was going to commit
suicide!
Grandma Tanuki: [pats his shoulder] I merely said that he
would do that if we were lucky, dear.
Genma: ...
***************
[Breakfast time on the flying ship. Hitomi sits next to
Shinnosuke, who is next to Ukyou, who is next to Ranma, who is
next to Akane, who is not pleased to sit by Onna-Happousai.
However, Onna-Happousai seems a model of decorum. Cranky
decorum, but decorum none the less.]
Ranma: How much longer until we get there?
Onna-Happousai: We'll only have to 'feast' on pickled vegetables
one more time, I think.
Shinnosuke: I'm sure Akane could cook us something nice if you
don't like this, Ranma.
Akane: Thanks, Shinnosuke.
Ranma: She did cook this.
Ukyou: [boggles] What? I thought you made this.
Akane: There's nothing but pickled vegetables on this boat.
Kirin's the same way about pickled vegetables that Happousai is
about underwear.
Ranma: Yeah, he started dying if he ate anything else, just the
way Happousai starts dying if he can't touch women or their
underwear. [pauses] Hey, Happy, why aren't you dying?
Onna-Happousai: [frowns] Take a wild guess.
Akane: Being female meets your need for contact with women?
Ranma: [thoughtfully] So if we turned Kirin into a pickled
vegetable...
Ukyou: I don't think that's a good idea, Ranma.
Onna-Happousai: It's my geasa. Virtually every path of martial
arts or any other road to power contains some kind of
limitations on our power, or induces some kind of compulsion,
or has some other kind of 'cost'. Those who are unwilling to pay
a cost for power either never achieve it, or have to do it the
hard way.
Ukyou: The hard way?
Onna-Happousai: Spending decades and decades slowly training
or practicing. So you become a master around the same time
you drop dead. People like Ranma and I don't have that kind of
patience.
Ranma: HEY!
Ukyou: Ranchan is NOT like you.
Onna-Happousai: We both strive to excel. Excel at different
things, but both of us wanted to be the best martial artist we
could. So each of us paid the cost that has to be paid to achieve
greatness faster than is normally possible. The price of power.
I had my cravings and my desires, and he had his curse and the
chaos of his life.
Ranma: I don't want a crazy life!
Onna-Happousai: [turns to Ranma, very seriously] Would you be
willing to give up your martial arts to find peace?
Ranma: I ain't giving up my martial arts! I've spent eleven
years on it! I've earned my skills!
Onna-Happousai: By having an insane life.
Ranma: I never said I wanted all this craziness!
Onna-Happousai: You never lifted a finger to stop it.
Ranma: [angrily] I looked for a cure!
Onna-Happousai: Boy, when I finish this quest, I intend to go
straight to Jyusenkyo and get back to normal. I'd rather lust
after underwear than be a woman. And I'll succeed. So would
you, if you'd ever REALLY tried. But deep down, you know I'm
right. If you do fix the insanity of your life through cheap and
easy tricks, you'll lose all the unearned skills and power you've
gained.
Ranma: Hey, I picked Akane as my one and only fiancee! And I
didn't get any weaker!
Akane: Yeah! What, are you saying he has to be miserable
forever to be a good martial artist?
Onna-Happousai: There's many ways to pay the price of your
power, boy, but you took the easy way out because you're lazy,
just like your father. [shakes his head] I respect Akane
because she's earned every ounce of power she has. Same for
Ukyou. She paid for her skills in misery. But you...you haven't
suffered.
Ranma: I turned into a girl when I got wet!
Onna-Happousai: Compared to what you've put everyone around
you through, that's NOTHING. Better than turning into a duck or
a...cat.
Ranma: [twitches] Hey, I suffered then!
Onna-Happousai: You earned the cat fist. Exactly. Haven't you
ever wondered why you could master moves in hours or days
which take most people a lifetime?
Ranma: I'm damm good, that's why!
Onna-Happousai: Some people earn their power by doing good.
All you've done with your skills is squabble with Ryouga, your
fiancees, their would-be lovers, Cologne, myself, and your Dad.
Your curse, and the chaos you cause just by being around is the
price you've paid for power, Ranma, and if you try to stop
paying it without finding another way to pay for your power,
you're going to lose it.
Ranma: What, are you saying I can't be happy and be a good
martial artist?
Onna-Happousai: Do you know any happy martial artists?
[Ranma looks away] All I'm saying is that power has its price.
I thought you understood that deep down, and that you accepted
the mess your life was, and that was why you sabotaged your
every effort to escape the chaos. I suppose your father simply
neglected to teach you this. Haven't you ever wondered why
Jyusenkyo is a training ground?
Ranma: I just assumed they were all as stupid as Pop.
Onna-Happousai: Assuming makes an ass of you and me.
Akane: Not very hard in your case.
Onna-Happousai: Dammit, people! I am SERIOUS! Martial Arts
isn't just a way to beat people up! For a serious Martial Artist,
the Art is Life, and Life is the Art. Jyusenkyo was made to
serve two purposes. It provides power, and it provides a cost
for that power. It teaches each person a lesson they have to
learn. Once they learn that lesson, then the price is complete,
and they can be free of their curse and keep the power.
Otherwise, the power leaves them when the curse leaves. Such
is the nature of geasa.
Ranma: [uncomfortably] What kinda lesson?
Onna-Happousai: Never let Herb talk you into doing the Hokey
Pokey.
Shinnosuke: [blinks] What?
Onna-Happousai: Never mind that. You can't run away from your
burdens, Ranma. If you take the quick and easy solution, there
will always be a price, and often it may be more than you're
willing to pay. Now, that doesn't mean you can't EVER solve
your problems, but it means that you have to pay your karmic
debts the right way, and not the wrong way.
Ranma: [more nervously] Such as...
Onna-Happousai: Such as curing your Jyusenkyo curse with
magic instead of learning what it is meant to teach you.
Ranma: So I suppose the fact that we used the Musk Dynasty
bucket to lock me in this form would be a bad thing?
Onna-Happousai: [eyes widen] You WHAT?
Ranma: Did they use drowned hard of hearing girl water on you?
Onna-Happousai: Well, you can kiss your strength and speed
goodbye. [sighs] We're toast.
Ranma: Hey, I'm not locked in that WIMPY form anymore!
Onna-Happousai: Oh, you'll still be tougher than most people,
but you won't be superhuman anymore, because you're not
enchanted anymore.
Ranma: What?
Onna-Happousai: You have noticed that not everyone can leap
dozens of feet in the air and toss things around that weigh
several tons, right?
Ranma: Hey, that's just me using my chi!
Onna-Happousai: Fine. Have it your way. When you die horribly,
I'll send you flowers. Assuming we don't all end up in Hell,
being forced to film a live version of 'La Blue Girl'.
Akane: But Ukyou and I can do that too, and we're not enchanted.
Onna-Happousai: Can you jump as far, or hit as hard?
Akane: No.
Onna-Happousai: Can you fire energy blasts or create
tornadoes?
Akane: No.
Onna-Happousai: Has Ranma crushed both of you with ease the
few times he's actually fought you?
Akane: No! I gave him a good fight! [Onna-Happousai glares at
her] I've hit him lots of times! He couldn't defend himself
against me! Sure, he's won some fights with me, but...
Ukyou: [quietly] Ranchan could kill everyone on this boat but
Happousai all at the same time if he felt like it.
Hitomi: Urk. [waves her broom] He'd better not try!
Ranma: Hey, I ain't gonna kill no girls! [pauses] Or you,
Shinnosuke.
Ukyou: You really think Ranchan couldn't kick you to the moon if
he actually WANTED to, Akane?
Akane: [frowns] So you have to get cursed to be a good martial
artist? What about Cologne?
Onna-Happousai: Do you want to end up looking like a troll,
trying to force someone who doesn't love one of your great-
grandchildren to marry her?
Akane: [shudders] No.
Onna-Happousai: Don't think she eluded paying a price. Not
every great martial artist is cursed. But we all pay for it, one
way or another, whether it be payment in decades of practice,
or one of the quicker but more dangerous and costly roads like
Ranma and Ukyou and I followed.
Ukyou: [starts] What?
Onna-Happousai: Obsession is a price too. You were a raving
madwoman when you arrived here.
Ukyou: [leaps to her feet and draws her spatula] I WAS NOT!
Ranma: Ucchan is NOT insane!
Shinnosuke: Yeah!
Hitomi: Depends on if you think responding to words with
violence is a sign of insanity.
[Akane and Ukyou both look embarrassed. Ukyou almost visibly
shrinks]
Ukyou: I...I had a right to be mad!
Onna-Happousai: Most people don't spend ten years hunting
down their first boyfriend to kill him.
Ukyou: Our family was dishonored! Our yatai was stolen!
Everyone made fun of us!
Onna-Happousai: If I hunted down everyone who ever made fun
of me, you'd all be dead.
Ukyou: We never stole YOUR family's sole means of livelihood!
Onna-Happousai: So naturally, you instantly forgave him when
he said you were cute. Did you ever consider he might have
been lying to get you to trust him to set you up for a worse
fall?
Ukyou: ...
Ranma: [stands up] HEY! I was being honest! I didn't want to
fight Ucchan! She's my best friend!
Onna-Happousai: If you hunted someone for ten years to avenge
the loss of everything you owned and the betrayal of your trust,
would you then turn around and forgive them everything when
they said you were cute, Ranma?
Ranma: I ain't got nothing worth stealing.
Ukyou: It wasn't his fault! That was why I forgave him!
Onna-Happousai: Have you made any progress in your arts since
you forgave Ranma?
Ukyou: I've gotten better.
Onna-Happousai: As much better as Ranma has in the same
time?
Ukyou: [quietly] No.
Onna-Happousai: Exactly. No more paying of a price, no more
easy gains. Unlike Ranma, you're having to EARN what you get
through practice, instead of some other way.
Ranma: [frowns] I think you just want me to have my curse
back so you can grope me.
Onna-Happousai: Have I groped anyone since this trip started?
Ranma: No.
Onna-Happousai: Don't I try to grope Ukyou and Akane just like
you, normally?
Hitomi: EWWW!!!!!
Ranma: But it sounds like you're saying I shouldn't ever try to
solve any of my problems!
Onna-Happousai: I'm saying you can't solve them like your
father does! Cheating, running away, and trying to find the easy
way out!
Ranma: That's what you always do!
Onna-Happousai: You wanna be like me?
[Ranma falls silent.]
Ukyou: Two points for Happousai.
Onna-Happousai: Perhaps whatever skill and power you have
retained will be enough to hold your weight in the tests we
must pass to enter the Temple of the Angry Buddha. But I doubt
it.
Ranma: [leaps to his feet] I'm good enough to kick YOUR butt!
Onna-Happousai: I doubt it.
Ranma: Come and get me!
Onna-Happousai: Come and get me!
Ranma: [frowns] You chicken?
Onna-Happousai: Even though you know I'm a man, you won't
strike the first blow. Or maybe you're afraid I'm right. You
need an excuse in case you fail.
Ranma: [angrily] I'm not gonna fail!
Onna-Happousai: [shrugs] I'm not going to attack you. I'm not
Ryouga who you can badger into attacking you, then act self-
righteous about it when he strikes the first blow.
Ranma: I do NOT do that!
Akane: Actually, I have to agree with Happousai on that one.
You get in all those stupid fights with him, and they can't all be
his fault. Not to mention you do harrass him and...
Ranma: Why are you on HIS side?
Akane: I'm not on his side, I just...What if he's right, Ranma? It
makes sense.
Ranma: It doesn't! Come and get me, Happy!
Onna-Happousai: [shakes her head] No.
Ranma: [shaking with rage] Dammit, I want to show you that I
haven't lost anything!
Onna-Happousai: Then why are you holding back? I think you're
afraid I'm right.
Ranma: [screams and charges forward] I am NOT AFRAID!
Onna-Happousai: [stands calmly as Ranma rains down blows on
her] Try harder. [turns to Shinnosuke] Hmm. I'm not too
familiar with your style with the brooms. Who invented it?
Shinnosuke: One of my ancestors was a street-sweeper in Nara
during that period. He invented it to deal with the city's
thieves.
Hitomi: You can remember that, but I bet you don't remember
where you slept last night.
Shinnosuke: Of course I remember. I slept with Ukyou last
night.
Akane: [boggles] WHAT? You two...together?
Shinnosuke: Yeah. She kissed me and then we slept together.
Ukyou: Not like you and Ranma slept together, Akane! We just
both slept near each other on the deck!
Hitomi: There's different ways to sleep? Or do you mean they
slept face down and you were face up?
Onna-Happousai: [continues to ignore Ranma's all out assault]
Probably Ranma was face up and Akane was face down, but...
[turns so Ranma is pummeling her back] Can you try working my
shoulders, Ranma? I need a massage.
Akane: You just...slept on the deck. But you did kiss him?
Ranma: Take me seriously!
Onna-Happousai: You don't really want that.
Ukyou: Um...well...[starts twiddling her fingers together]
Shinnosuke: It was a great kiss. Ukyou didn't say if it was
better than when Ranma kissed her, though.
Akane: [turns red] Ranma KISSED HER?
Shinnosuke: Not last night. It was a while ago. Before this
trip.
Akane: [turns to Ranma] RANMA! WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?
Ranma: DAMMIT, HAPPOUSAI! FIGHT ME!
[Onna-Happousai lashes out casually, flooring Ranma]
Onna-Happousai: [turns back to Shinnosuke] So this is a sub
school of Street Sweeper Fu?
Shinnosuke: We've added various forest combat techniques
since we became guardians of the Ryugenzawa forest.
Ranma: [starts to get up, then Akane is in his face] Get out of
my way, Akane!
Akane: WHEN DID YOU KISS UKYOU?
Ranma: [blinks] What?
Akane: [grabs his collar] Is it true?
Ranma: Is what true?
Akane: Don't go playing like you're Shinnosuke!
Shinnosuke: Hey!
Akane: [gets up on her tiptoes to look Ranma in the eye] Did
you kiss Ukyou and when?
Ukyou: He didn't kiss me. I kissed him. When he was trying to
decide who to marry.
Akane: Is that what happened? Or is there another occassion?
Ranma: I...uh...she...we...studying...um...
Akane: And is that ALL you did?
Ranma: Hey, I don't complain about you smooching P-chan!
Akane: He's just my pet pig! If he was a human, they you could
complain!
Ranma: And what if he is?
Akane: He's a PIG!
Ranma: And sometimes, Mousse is a duck!
Akane: [blinks] He...No way! Why would anyone in their right
mind want to be someone's PET?
Ranma: Seen P-chan lately?
Akane: What did you do to P-chan?
Ranma: He fell in love with someone else. That's why he did it!
[pauses] He was your pet because he loved you and he couldn't
bring himself to stop because he was desperate! Then he fell
for someone else!
Akane: [angrily] Why didn't you ever tell me this before?
Ranma: Because it was my fault he got cursed! I knocked him
into Jyusenkyo on my way out of the area after Dad knocked me
in! And I didn't realize when I made the promise he'd try to be
your pet!
Akane: But who is it?
Ranma: Dammit, Akane, I made a promise!
Akane: [waves her fists] You made promises to ME too! What's
more important?
Ranma: Dammit, if I tell you, it's gonna make a HUGE mess! He
ain't never gonna do it again, so it doesn't matter anymore.
Akane: Dammit back to you! He betrayed my trust! I deserve to
know! I TOOK THAT PIG TO BED WITH ME!
Shinnosuke: You slept with...a pig?
Hitomi: UGH. [to Ukyou] Is that the different kind of sleep you
were talking about? They had a pig with them?
Akane: [screams at them] NOT LIKE THAT, YOU PERVERTS!!!!
Hitomi: [reels from the wave of air and sound] I just want to
understand what's going on!
Ukyou: You'd better tell her, Ranma.
Akane: What, you knew too?
Ukyou: I only found out recently, and then he stopped after that
l...after he found someone else. I didn't want to cause trouble.
Akane: [trembles] Damn you all. Ranma. This is your last
chance. TELL ME.
Ranma: [quietly] Ryouga.
Akane: [wide eyes] No! You're lying! Ryouga would never do
that!
Ranma: He's loved you almost as long as he knew you.
Akane: [crosses her arms in front of herself, haunted look] No,
not Ryouga. He couldn't have been P-chan. He wouldn't.
Ranma: He is. [sighs] I wanted to tell you, but I couldn't. I
made a promise. I don't want to be like Pop, breaking my
promises every time they're inconvenient!
Akane: I thought I meant something to you!
Ranma: You do! You're very important to me!
Akane: If you're telling the truth, you let Ryouga sneak into my
bed, night after night, without telling me!
Ranma: Dammit! I did my best to KEEP HIM OUT of your bed!
Why do you think I was always trying to mangle your pet?
Akane: Because you were jealous!
Ranma: DAMN RIGHT! He was being a bastard, and it PISSED ME
OFF! But I didn't want to break my promise and be just like him!
Akane: Why the hell haven't you told Nabiki about this? She's
dating him now!
Ranma: SHE KNOWS!
Akane: [pales] What?
Ranma: Don't you remember her blackmailing him just before
they 'fell in love'? Do you even remember that the reason
they're in love is they both got splashed with a love potion?
Akane: ...
Ranma: Do you pay ANY attention to what's going on around
you? Why the hell didn't you ever figure out that Ryouga was
goddamn P-chan on your own?
Akane: My sister...didn't tell me. WHO ELSE KNOWS?
Ukyou: Cologne. Shampoo. Mousse, I think.
Onna-Happousai: Me.
Shinnosuke: Who's this Ryouga person?
Hitomi: I didn't know.
Ranma: I think Pop might know. You now.
Akane: Now. NOW! [rears back to sock Ranma into orbit, then
begins to cry] Damn you, Ranma. Damn you, Ryouga. Damn you,
Nabiki. Damn you, Ukyou. I hate you! I hate all of you!
Shinnosuke: [stunned] You hate me?
Akane: DAMN YOU ALL! DON'T YOU EVER COME NEAR ME AGAIN,
RANMA! [runs off crying]
Shinnosuke: [faintly] She...she...
Hitomi: [puts an arm around him] She was just yelling because
she was mad at Ranma. [hugs Shinnosuke] She'll be fine when
she calms down. You didn't do anything to her.
Shinnosuke: I...I've never seen her so mad before.
Ukyou: You'll get used to it. Usually isn't this bad. You really
screwed this one up, Ranchan.
Ranma: [turns and snaps at her] This all got started because
you told Swiss-Cheese For Brains Boy about me kissing you!
Ukyou: I didn't think he'd remember! Or that he'd tell Akane!
And I didn't exactly MAKE you tell her about P-chan!
Ranma: I wouldn't have done that if I hadn't been so aggravated
about how you...
Ukyou: DAMMIT! I didn't make you make things worse! You did
that with your own BIG MOUTH!
Onna-Happousai: This needed to come out before their marriage
anyway!
Ukyou: Take your reformed Kung-Fu master self and go give a
lesson to a grasshopper! [punts her across the ship with her
spatula]
Ranma: [stares] You...how did you do that? I couldn't hurt him?
Ukyou: BECAUSE HE WAS RIGHT! You keep trying to weasel out
of things the easy way and it gets you in trouble! If you'd told
Akane all this stuff earlier, she wouldn't be exploding now!
Ranma: I DIDN'T ASK YOU TO KISS ME!
Ukyou: [in Ranma's face] I DIDN'T MAKE YOU NOT TELL HER!
Yeah, I was an idiot! Only an idiot would want to kiss an idiot
like you, anyway!
Ranma: [growls] I am NOT an idiot!
Ukyou: You're just like your father!
Ranma: [screams] I AM NOT LIKE YOUR FATHER! [pauses] My
father.
Ukyou: See? You're an idiot!
Ranma: I don't have to take this! [stalks off to the far end of
the ship]
Ukyou: RANMA NO BAKA! [stomps off to the other end]
Shinnosuke: [to Happousai] Does this happen often?
Onna-Happousai: Usually, they beat the hell out of each other
next and destroy the house. I suppose the fact that this would
cause us all to fall to our deaths convinced them to not do this.
Shinnosuke: Should we talk to them?
Onna-Happousai: They won't trust me. [sighs] You saw where
talking got us before.
Hitomi: I'll go beat some sense into Ranma. You go handle
Akane, Shin-chan. You know her better than me. [thinking] At
least if he remembers any of his past experiences with her.
Shinnosuke: What about Ukyou?
Hitomi: We can push her off the boat to her death?
Shinnosuke: Hitomi!
Hitomi: Happousai, you go calm her down.
Onna-Happousai: I'll try.
Hitomi: Do not try. Do, or do not. [laughs] I always wanted to
say that.
**********
[We see Akane lying in a bed, crying, in a small, cramped room.
There is a knock on the door.]
Akane: [screams] GO TO HELL!
Shinnosuke: [through the door] I thought we were trying to
avoid that.
Akane: Oh, it's you, Shinnosuke. Please...just leave me alone.
Shinnosuke: Are you sure?
Akane: Yes! [pauses] No. I don't know.
Shinnosuke: [sticks his head in the door] Can I come in?
Akane: You'll probably forget if I tell you no, anyway. Come on
in. [lies on the bed, her face in the pillow] Why are men such
idiots?
Shinnosuke: I'm not an idiot!
Akane: I didn't mean you, Shinnosuke.
Shinnosuke: But I'm a man!
Akane: [sighs] Why are some men so stupid?
Shinnosuke: Who are we talking about?
Akane: Ranma. Ryouga. My sister.
Shinnosuke: [boggles] Your sister is a man?
Akane: Okay, why are some PEOPLE so stupid?
Shinnosuke: Yeah, PEOPLE is a pretty stupid magazine. Oh, you
mean, some people.
Akane: ...
Shinnosuke: Everyone is stupid. Different people just find
different ways to be stupid and different things to be stupid
about. My stupidity is that I can't remember anything, so I do
the same dumb things over and over, like walking into my own
traps. [sighs] Ranma's just trying to not be like his dad.
Akane: But you don't lie to people you love! If you love them,
you're honest with them about everything!
Shinnosuke: Haven't you ever told someone they looked good
when they really looked awful to make them feel good? That's
lying.
Akane: That's not on the same scale! It's the difference
between stubbing your toe and sticking your leg in a meat
grinder! I deserved to know what Ryouga was doing!
Shinnosuke: What was Ryouga doing?
Akane: [screams] YOU IDIOT! GET OUT OF HERE! [chases
Shinnosuke out of the room, then goes back to crying]
**********
[We see Ranma skulking at the prow of the ship. Hitomi
approaches him.]
Ranma: Go away.
Hitomi: Stop pouting like a five year old.
Ranma: Dammit, all I did was keep a promise!
Hitomi: It was a stupid promise!
Ranma: [turns around] Kid, you have NO right to judge me! You
haven't gone through the kind of living hell that I have!
Hitomi: That's because I'm not a moron who screws up all the
time like you! You bring all your trouble on yourself because
you run away from any problem you can't simply bash in the
head until it surrenders! [waves her broom around] You're a
muscle-bound macho fool!
Ranma: Look, Little Miss Temper, I keep my promises.
Whatever the cost. I may wiggle around, and bend them a little
if I have to, or if I was forced into them, but I don't break them.
I don't wanna be like Pop, whose promises aren't worth
anything!
Hitomi: Sometimes you can only keep one trust by breaking
another one! She deserved to know that Ryouga was sneaking
into her bed!
Ranma: He stopped doing it!
Hitomi: That doesn't matter! If I stop burning down someone's
house every day, it doesn't negate the fifty times I did it
before!
Ranma: [boggles] You burnt down someone's house fifty times?
Hitomi: [screams] Akane's right! All men are IDIOTS! [runs
off]
Ranma: [frowns] Women are insane.
**************
[Ukyou is at the far end of the boat. Happousai approaches.]
Ukyou: Bugger off, Happy. I don't know why you're on the Wise
Old Master kick today, but...
Onna-Happousai: I find myself at peace against my will. If I
return to what I was, I will bring myself torment, yet I do not
wish to live as a woman. You can take advantage of what I
know while it is still available, or you can all ignore me and we
can die horribly at the temple of the Angry Buddha.
Ukyou: [snorts] Or we can leave you to die. This is your quest.
I don't know what the hell I'm doing on it.
Onna-Happousai: Ranma is here, and you won't let him go into
danger without you. You can't let go of him.
Ukyou: [turns around] One more word of psychoanalysis, and I'll
shove spatulas up your nostrils.
Onna-Happousai: So much power you all have, and yet less
maturity than I usually have. [shakes his head] I hate being
able to think clearly. You realize how doomed you are. [sighs]
Whatever. Say your prayers. At this rate, we'll be lucky if any
of us live to see another sunrise.
Ukyou: Why are we going there if it's so suicidal?
Onna-Happousai: The tests that must be passed to enter are
very rigorous, and the physical ones are child's play compared
to the rest. But they can stop the demons.
Ukyou: Are you sure?
Onna-Happousai: If you have a better suggestion?
Ukyou: Umm...no.
Onna-Happousai: If not, if we die in the tests...better than if the
demons get us.
Ukyou: Better we not die at all.
Onna-Happousai: Nothing is certain but Death and Texas.
Ukyou: Taxes.
Onna-Happousai: That too.
****************
[We see Herb floating in a bizarre void full of swirling lights
and distant floating platforms with no means of support. Far in
the distance, we can see Steve Ditko directing the construction
of more of the background. Nearby, hordes of faceless minions
caper about a tall man dressed badly in purple with a flaming
head.]
Herb: I take it you bought Escher's soul and had him redesign
Hell for you? Or maybe Dali?
Being: I am the Dread Dormammu, but you already know that,
Happousai.
Herb: Have you had your vision checked lately? I am Herb,
Emperor of the Musk Dynasty.
Dormammu: I won't be fooled by your tricks this time! As set
forth in your contract, I'm going to use you to plug a hole in the
barrier that holds back the Mindless Ones.
Herb: Your relatives?
Dormammu: I own your soul. Do not taunt me.
Herb: I'm not Happousai, and you DON'T own my soul. Return me
to Earth IMMEDIATELY.
Dormammu: [waves to his minions] Take him to the leak.
Herb: I won't stand for this! [minions drag him away]
Dormammu: And this time, remember to spackle around the
edges!
***********
[We see Onna-Happousai, Shinnosuke, and Hitomi sitting quietly
together at the edge of the boat.]
Shinnosuke: Do you think they'll go in with us?
Onna-Happousai: [sighs] When we get there, I'm going to send
you two back with the boat. This isn't your quest. You don't
owe me anything. You didn't deserve to be dragged into this.
Hitomi: You got that right.
Shinnosuke: If Akane's going, I'm going. I want to help her.
Hitomi: Shinnosuke, she loves Ranma, not you.
Shinnosuke: She's my friend, even if she'll never be my wife. I
won't abandon her. And that's that.
Hitomi: Shinnosuke, if you get killed, Grandpa's gonna kick my
butt to the moon!
Shinnosuke: I'm a grownup. I make my own choices. Tell him I
tied you up.
Hitomi: [frowns] If you go, I have to go. Someone has to
remember things for you.
Shinnosuke: You don't have to go. I know you don't like anyone
on this trip.
Hitomi: [sighs] It doesn't matter. You think I have any clue
where we are or how to get home by myself? I can't turn back
now.
Onna-Happousai: [looking out across the desert at a huge
mountain whose top is shrouded in clouds] We're about to
arrive.
************
[Our heroes and heroines are halfway up the mountain, outside
the three gates that lead into a huge temple, somewhat in need
of repair, set into the mountain. Only the angry head of a giant
Buddha statue can be seen over the temple walls, and a single
spire topped with an onion dome.]
Ranma: You sure we really need to do this?
Onna-Happousai: [turns and points off across the desert. Five
black clouds of tiny black dots are approaching] They're
coming.
Ukyou: There's only five groups.
Onna-Happousai: Let's not remind them there should be six,
okay? [turns to the temple] We split into three pairs. One man
and one woman in each pair.
Hitomi: I count four women and two men here.
Onna-Happousai: I'm really a guy.
Hitomi: Are you sure?
[Ranma, Akane, and Ukyou all laugh briefly.]
Ukyou: Happousai's really a guy. Trust me.
Onna-Happousai: Okay. Shinnosuke goes with Akane. Myself
with Hitomi. Ukyou with Ranma.
Hitomi: I wanna be with Shinnosuke. I have to take care of him.
Akane: Hey! Why isn't Ranma with me?
Onna-Happousai: So you won't have an all-out battle instead of
getting inside. Would you rather have me than Shinnosuke?
Akane: [takes Shinnosuke's hand] Come on, Shinnosuke.
********************
[We see Onna-Happousai and Hitomi walking down a narrow
stone hallway, about seven foot wide and seven foot high.
There is no light except for a torch every sixty feet.]
Hitomi: I should be with Shinnosuke.
Onna-Happousai: I should be in Hawaii with native women
fanning me with fronds and fighting to feed me cocoanut milk.
We can't always get what we want.
Hitomi: You're gay?
Onna-Happousai: [jumps up and down] I AM A MAN!
Hitomi: You don't look like it.
Onna-Happousai: Trust me. [looks at the dirty walls] Scuff
here, will ya?
Hitomi: What?
Onna-Happousai: Brush off the dirt here. [points]
Hitomi: Why?
Onna-Happousai: Trust me.
[She brushes the wall off anyway, and they keep walking. Soon,
they come to a clean spot on the wall that looks suspiciously
like the one she swept.]
Hitomi: Hey!
Onna-Happousai: Just as I thought. This hallway is a circle.
Hitomi: But it's a STRAIGHT LINE!
Onna-Happousai: Welcome to the world of magic. We can't see
far enough to tell its a circle, but it is one. The torches are
just far enough apart to hide that, and since we can't see where
we're going, or where we've been, we can't tell we're repeating
the same path over and over.
Hitomi: So how do we get out of here?
Onna-Happousai: Poke the ceiling.
Hitomi: [waves her broom around, which goes right through the
ceiling] Hey!
Onna-Happousai: I'll boost you through the ceiling. Tell me
what you see. [picks Hitomi up and lifts her. From our
viewpoint, she is halfway through the ceiling]
Hitomi: Well, there's these poles leading to this big axle
and....EEP! [something pulls her out of sight]
Onna-Happousai: Just great. [tries climbing the walls, but
there are no handholds, and the wall actually extends higher
than the illusionary ceiling, so she can't pull herself up] Time
for plan B. If I had one.
*************
[We see Ranma and Ukyou. They are covered in dirt and soot and
cobwebs. They have been wandering through a web shrouded
maze for what seems like hours.]
Ranma: I'm so hungry, I could eat Akane's cooking.
Ukyou: I'm so hungry, I could marry Kunou if he offered me a
single pickled vegetable.
Ranma: [laughs] You win.
Ukyou: Isn't there some rule for mazes? Always go left?
Ranma: We have always been going left. Maybe no one told the
maze maker about the rules. [sighs] This is boring.
[Five trapdoors in the walls open and five huge wolf spiders pop
up. Each is the size of a small pony.]
Ukyou: If you ever say you're bored again, I'm going to KILL you.
***********
[We see Shinnosuke and Akane going down a gently sloping
natural tunnel. A trickle of water runs down it on one side.
Glowing lichens light the cavern dimly.]
Akane: Except for sheer boredom, this really isn't so tough.
Maybe we stumbled out of the testing zone.
Shinnosuke: There's a testing zone?
Akane: We're not just going spelunking.
Shinnosuke: We're not?
Akane: How can you live like that?
Shinnosuke: Like what?
Akane: [shakes her head] Just watch out for... [they round a
bend, and a giant three headed dog sits in front of a pair of
bronze gates. It looks up at them and snarls] Something like
that.
Shinnosuke: So THIS is where that dog went. I was thinking
maybe I'd forgotten it dying.
Akane: [blinks] You know this...ummm...
Shinnosuke: Well, it didn't use to have three heads, but I
recognize Sparky. Come here, Sparky! [makes come hither
gestures to the dog, which stops snarling and bounds forward,
knocking down Shinnosuke and licking him]
Akane: ...
Shinnosuke: Good boy, Sparky! [wrestles with Sparky for a
while, then stands up and pets all three heads] How'd you get
down here? Come and pet him, Akane.
Akane: [nervously pets the three heads] Good doggie. [Sparky
bowls her over, licking her and wagging his three tails happily.
Soon, Akane is laughing] What a nice dog!
Shinnosuke: Yeah, Sparky was the greatest. I dunno where he
got these extra heads. [pauses] Maybe I just forgot them.
************
[Hitomi finds herself in a shop full of odd knick-knacks. She
feels confused, and doesn't recognize the place. A man is
sitting nearby on a chair. He is a bit burly, and has neatly
combed brown hair and a bushy moustache. He wears a suit.]
Man: Hmm. So what will I actually do with you? [shakes his
head] The purchases that man can talk me into...
Hitomi: What's going on here?
Man: A guardian spirit was supposed to eat you, but he doesn't
like the taste of children, so he sold you to me.
Hitomi: You can't OWN me!
Man: Anything can be owned, bought, and sold. I should know.
I've dealt in just about anything under the sun. [shrugs] I
prefer not to traffic in slaves, however. Do me a simple
service, and I'll let you go.
Hitomi: [lofts her broom] I know how to use this!
Man: I suppose you do. You're free to go, then. [steps back and
points to the door] Be my guest.
[Hitomi runs to the door and opens it. It opens into a black void.
She drops a yen into it, and doesn't ever hear it hit bottom. She
slams the door.]
Hitomi: Where am I?
Man: What are you willing to pay to find out? Every bit of
information has its price.
Hitomi: [waves the broom] Don't make me beat it out of you.
Man: Go right ahead.
[She rushes him, then an anvil falls on her. She passes out, and
the man lifts the anvil and tosses it aside]
Man: How that thing can knock people out without killing
them...best not to ask questions I can't answer, I suppose. [sits
back down] The meter is running, child. Best you wake soon
while you can still afford it.
************
[We see Ranma and Ukyou running for their lives.]
Ukyou: Use the Roaring Lion Bullet on them!
Ranma: I...I... [thinking] I tried. Nothing happened. Why didn't it
work? [speaking] It doesn't work on spiders.
Ukyou: [looks dubious] Well, my spatulas sure don't work on
this thing, and they laughed off your punches. At least they're
not too quick. And they can't shoot webbing and run at the same
time.
Ranma: Trapdoor spiders don't snare things in webbing. They
just ambush and eat prey by popping up by surprise.
Ukyou: Then where did all the rest of the webs around here
come from?
[They round a bend and slam into a huge web across the
corridor, made by a one foot across spider which is working on
it as they slam into it. Soon, they are both entangled in the
web.]
Ranma: I guess they put their relatives in charge of that..
*************
[We see Akane and Shinnosuke standing on the banks of an
underground river. It rushes by at high speed.]
Akane: I guess we have to turn back.
Shinnosuke: Yeah, swimming across this would be hard.
[pauses] Especially since the other side is just a wall. We
could just follow the current, but coming back would be hard.
Akane: There has to be some way across. The monks wouldn't
dig a tunnel all this way for nothing. And someone must be
feeding Sparky.
Shinnosuke: [peers down the river] Hey, I see a boat coming!
Akane: Cool.
[The boat is being poled by a man in a robe. The robe hides all
but his pale, soft white hands]
Shinnosuke: Can you take us down the river? Or wherever we
need to go?
Boatman: All who would ride must pay with two coins.
Akane: [digs out two hundred yen coins] Like this?
Boatman: Yes. [looks at them] Hmm. You're not dead.
Shinnosuke: Neither are you.
Boatman: ...
Shinnosuke: [hands the man two ten yen coins] This is all I
have. Hitomi carries the money. I may have some money I
forgot though.
Boatman: Did someone get confused and baptize you in
the...never mind. Let's get going. I have to pick up some
demodands at five.
[They hop in the boat, and he begins to pole them downstream.
Oddly, despite the current, the boat doesn't move unless he
poles it along.]
Akane: What river is this?
Boatman: The last one you'll ever see. [pauses] Oh wait, the
Lethe runs through...never mind. Forget I said that.
Shinnosuke: So where are we going?
Boatman: Are you two lost?
Shinnosuke: We're trying to get into the temple of the Angry
Buddha.
Boatman: Good thing you mentioned that. I don't suppose you'd
settle for Hades instead?
Akane: ...
Shinnosuke: No, we need to go to the Temple of the Angry
Buddha.
Boatman: Blast it, I'm gonna be late for that appointment. Oh
well, demodands usually try to stiff me anyway. [starts poling
upstream]
Akane: What's a demodand?
Boatman: It's like the difference between a Trekkie and a
Trekker.
Shinnosuke: I forgot something, right? I mean...that would have
made sense to a normal person, right? I just forgot something
important to understanding what you said.
Akane: No, I didn't understand either.
Boatman: Think Yuppie Demon.
Akane: Bleah. Do I have to?
************
[We see Ranma and Ukyou trussed up in some webs while a
bunch of one foot long spiders and the huge wolf spiders are
having a discussion.]
Wolf Spider #1: No, no, you use white wine with humans, red
with cats.
Large Spider #1: I still think we need to marinate them.
Wolf Spider #2: What is it with you and marinating things?
And if you start talking about Chinete paper plates, I'm going to
eat you.
Large Spider #1: Hey, man, Chinete doesn't let the blood leak
out on the ground. That's the best part of humans, usually.
Besides, I got T'Z'l'L'c'chk to make the marinade in advance THIS
time.
T'Z'l'L'c'chk: [another large spider] I was supposed to use
jalapenos, right?
Wolf Spider #3: Look, only rattlesnakes are so uncouth as to
use jalapenos in HUMAN marinade. That's for ELVES.
Ranma: [whispers to Ukyou] I think a hobbit shows up and
saves us next.
Ukyou: [whispers back] What are you talking about?
Ranma: [whispers] Hmm. Maybe they'll turn to stone when the
sun comes up.
Ukyou: [whispers] We're underground. [struggles] I've still got
my mini-spats, but I can't reach them.
Ranma: [wiggles] Maybe I can reach them. [he tries, but his
arm won't reach] Hmm. Maybe I can reach one with my mouth...
Ukyou: ...
Ranma: [wiggles around, and manages to snag one with his
mouth, burying his face in Ukyou's cleavage in the process]
Ukyou: [thinking] And now Akane walks in and KILLS us.
Wolf Spider #3: Hmm. I think our dinner is trying to mate.
Large Spider #3: Let's watch. I'm curious as to how it works
with humans.
Wolf Spider #2: If she eats him afterwards, I'm gonna get
pissed. He looks yummy.
Ranma: [tries to choke down laughter, nearly drops the spatula
in his mouth, then nearly swallows it.] Hgrmehs.
Ukyou: [thinking] Great. Just what I need. Ranma drooling on
my spatula.
Wolf Spider #1: Ahh, she carries her eggs on the outside. He
fertilizes them in his mouth, then probably passes it into her
mouth and she carries it inside for a while, then lays it
somewhere safe.
Large Spider #1: Weirdly shaped eggs, though.
Ranma: [mumbles incoherently at Ukyou, who stares
uncomprehendingly at him. Finally, he points at her hand with
his left foot. She extends it as much as she can, which isn't
much. He spits the spatula into her hand] Bleah.
Ukyou: Did you really have to drool on it?
Ranma: Just get on with it!
Wolf Spider #2: Hmm. Looks like the mating failed. Unless
maybe she then bears the young in those pouches on her chest.
Large Spider #3: Ahh, some humans must be marsupials, then. I
guess she's Australian.
Large Spider #2: Hmm, now she's rubbing it against the
webbing...ahh, I bet she can't figure out how to get it back to
the right place with her arms pinned to her side.
Wolf Spider #1: Hmm, looks like she cut the webbing off with
her egg. I'm glad my species doesn't lay eggs that sharp. I'd be
dead.
Large Spider #2: You're male. You don't lay eggs.
Wolf Spider #1: I guess this is where she eats him.
Wolf Spider #2: We'd better stop her! There won't be enough
for all of us if she eats him first!
Large Spider #3: Naah, I GOTTA see this.
[Ukyou slices Ranma loose, then unleashes a barrage of mini-
spatulas, sending the large spiders running]
Wolf Spider #1: Maybe she's embarrassed to eat her mate in
public.
Wolf Spider #2: Maybe she's escaping, you idiot! [charges
Ukyou]
[All five Wolf Spiders charge, but Ranma and Ukyou spring to
the attack. In a few seconds, two spiders go down and the rest
run for their lives. Ranma is rubbing his hands.]
Ranma: Those things felt like they were made out of rock.
Ukyou: [pokes an unconscious one] They don't feel so tough to
me.
Ranma: [frowns] Let's get going.
Ukyou: Well, now I'm even MORE lost.
[A door opens with a sign over it saying, 'THIS WAY']
Ranma: It's probably a trap.
Ukyou: Got a better idea?
Ranma: Travelling through time and convincing myself to stay
home.
Ukyou: Right. Let's go.
***********
[Hitomi wakes up, sitting at a table. The man from earlier is
talking to a tall man with strange hair, wearing cheesy John
Lennon glasses, overdressed in an outfit that screams, 'I am
Evil']
Man: If I knew the secret of the Radiant Hawk Wings, I wouldn't
be running this shop.
'EVIL' Man: Good point. [looks at Hitomi] Does she know?
Man: Would she be carrying a broom?
'EVIL' Man: Right. Well, while I'm here, can I get these glasses
tinted?
Man: Sure. [takes the glasses] Come back tomorrow.
['EVIL' Man leaves]
Hitomi: Secret of the Radiant Hawk Wings?
Man: I don't suppose you DO know the secret?
Hitomi: What would it be worth to you if I did?
Man: [boggles for just the tiniest of seconds] What do you want
for it?
Hitomi: Passage to the center of the Temple of the Angry
Buddha. We have to stop this army of demons that are after us
because of Happousai.
Man: [laughs] I told him those contracts with invisible text
were dangerous...he never was one to listen. Seriously, though,
I have a contract with them. I can't just let people in; I help
keep people out if they can't pass the tests.
Hitomi: [sighs] Not even for the secret of the Radiant Hawk
Wings? [pauses] Do you have a name?
Man: You can call me Barter. And how can I be sure that you
know the secret?
Hitomi: I know where the Radiant Hawk lives. [thinking] I
never thought Grandpa's rantings would come in useful.
Barter: And that is?
Hitomi: What do I get if I tell you?
Barter: I like you. Tell me the Secret of the Radiant Hawk
Wings, and I will take you wherever you want to go, except to
the heart of the Temple of the Angry Buddha, because that
would violate my contract.
Hitomi: Take me safely to Shinnosuke and...I want something to
help his memory. He's under a curse.
Barter: There's no cure. That I possess.
Hitomi: Got any magic brooms?
Barter: Yes.
Hitomi: Give me a magical fighting broom and take me to
Shinnosuke, and I'll teach you the secret of the Radiant Hawk.
Barter: [goes and plucks out a broom with norse runes on it]
Frigga used to use this to beat up Odin when he got out of line.
Hitomi: [takes it] Okay, take me to Shinnosuke, and I'll tell you.
Barter: [hands her a rock] Swear on this that you won't cheat
me.
Hitomi: I won't cheat you.
Barter: [reaches for the rock, but Hitomi pockets it] Hey!
Hitomi: You gave it to me.
Barter: [frowns] I did not.
Hitomi: You didn't say to give it back. Anyway, I'll throw in the
secret of Nidhogg as well.
Barter: Well?
Hitomi: [holds out the rock] Swear you won't cheat me, and
that you'll give me back the rock.
Barter: You're good. [he swears] Now tell me.
Hitomi: The Radiant Hawk perches in the branches of the Alder
Bole, the great tree Yggsdrasil that is the spine of the universe.
The great serpent Nidhogg gnaws eternally at its roots and
wars with the Radiant Hawk. Everytime the serpent attacks a
root, the Radiant Hawk shields it with one of his feathers, a
great barrier of light, which nothing can pierce. Whenever the
tree is threatened, it calls upon the Radiant Hawk to defend it.
Supposedly, it is the greatest power in the universe. Frankly, I
think Grandpa was drunk off his ass and making things up. He
also claimed the same night that our grandmother was Freya,
and that his old martial arts teacher was actually a prince
from another planet. [laughs] Supposedly his sensei got drunk
one night and started teaching Grandpa all the 'deep secrets' of
the universe, so one night when Grandpa was drunk he decided it
was time to pass them all on to me and Shinnosuke and Taiki
and Genko. Too bad Genko was only three, Taiki was smashed,
and Shinnosuke has a brain like a sieve.
Barter: [thoughtfully] So how would one call on the power?
Hitomi: Hang from the Alder Bole until it teaches you its
secrets like Odin, I suppose.
Barter: And where is it?
Hitomi: Dammed if I know. Everywhere. Nowhere. Zimbabwe. I
haven't got a clue. That good enough for you?
Barter: If you had not sworn on the stone, I would suspect this
was a trap, but...enough. I shall take you to your brother.
Hitomi: Cousin.
Barter: Right.
**********
[We see the Boatman drop Akane and Shinnosuke off on a dock.
Hitomi is sitting and dangling her feet in the river, splashing
about.]
Hitomi: Howdy.
Akane: What happened to Happousai?
Hitomi: I got captured by a spirit, who sold me to a weirdo, and
I had to buy myself out of slavery.
Shinnosuke: This isn't like the time you claimed you got
abducted by aliens, is it?
Hitomi: [waves her broom around] I was! If I had been a cow, I
would have been mutilated, but instead they just put my
clothing on backwards and brainwashed me to forget, then sent
me home without any supper.
Akane: ...
Shinnosuke: And they ate all the cookies, too?
Hitomi: [whacks Shinnosuke in the head with the broom. He
goes flying off the pier.] I am NOT LY...Shin-chan!
Akane: Shinnosuke!
Shinnosuke: [bobs to the surface.] This tastes nasty. [swims
to shore] Luckily, I didn't forget to swim after the first ten
times Grandpa taught me.
Akane: [helps him out] Are you okay?
Shinnosuke: I'm fine. [shakes himself off, dousing Akane, who
jumps back...right off the pier] Akane!
Hitomi: Don't worry, unlike you, there's no danger she'd forget
how to swim.
Akane: But I don't know HOW to swim! [flails and goes under]
Hitomi: ...
[Shinnosuke dives in and rescues her, pulling her out, then
holding her tightly as she coughs and recovers]
Shinnosuke: Are you okay? I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.
Akane: [coughs] I'm fine. I should have been more careful.
Shinnosuke: I should have been more careful. I didn't want to
drown you. I'm sorry. [sighs]
Akane: But then you dived in and saved me. I forgive you.
[sighs] I wish I knew how to swim.
Shinnosuke: I wish I could remember anything else. Besides...
[falls quiet]
Akane: Besides what?
Shinnosuke: Besides the fact that I...I...I love you. I never had
the courage to tell you before.
Akane: [thinking] I wonder how many times he's going to tell
me this. [speaking] I'm sorry, Shinnosuke. I love someone else.
[pauses] I think.
Shinnosuke: Well, I know I love you. [sighs] I bet you'd love me
if I didn't forget everything.
Akane: Shinnosuke, it has nothing to do with your memory. I...I
lo...I already had feelings for him when I met you.
Shinnosuke: Then why do you two fight so much? Like on the
boat. You said you hate him.
Akane: [sighs] I'm pretty mad at him, but I don't really hate
him.
Shinnosuke: Then you...don't really hate me either?
Akane: [flash of memory] I'm sorry, Shinnosuke. I was just
mad because you...I was just mad. I do like you, Shinnosuke.
Hitomi: Look, enough snuggling, okay? We gotta find the Angry
Buddha and kill him or whatever before I die of hunger.
[Akane and Shinnosuke both blush and spring away from each
other. Which sends them both off the pier.]
Hitomi: You two haven't quite mastered this thinking thing.
*************
[We see Ranma and Ukyou in a hall of mirrors, all bent into
various convex, concave, and just plain funky shapes]
Ranma: [looks at one mirror that makes him look sixteen feet
tall and stretched out like sphagetti] I bet Pop would like this
one.
Ukyou: [looks in another one. It shows her, but she is wearing a
dress, has a rose in her hair, and is smiling broadly] Huh? How
can you do THIS with a mirror?
Ranma: [comes over and looks. He sees himself dressed in a t-
shirt and jeans, with a pencil behind one ear. His reflection
walks over and kisses the Ukyou reflection, then turns and
smiles at him] ...
Ukyou: What the... [thinking] I WISH.
Ranma: [thinking] Akane would punch me to the moon if she
saw this. [speaking] This one must be magic.
[He and Ukyou look at each other and their reflections kiss
again, more intimately]
Ukyou: [looks longingly, then turns away] Let's go this way.
Ranma: [speeds ahead of her] Righto.
[They wander for a while, lots of weird reflections catching his
eye. Finally, one of them draws Ranma's attention. It looks
like Ranma-chan, but in a blue frilly dress, with her hair done
up elaborately like in the second movie. She is wearing several
rings and a nice necklace. Ranma stares in shock]
Ukyou: Damn, you look good.
Ranma: [waves his arms] I don't wanna look like that! That's
NOT me!
[We see the reflection casually blast someone out of sight with
a Roaring Lion Bullet, then goes back to trimming her nails]
Ranma: ...
Ukyou: [stares at the mirror] What are these weird images
for? [she doesn't reflect] And why don't I reflect?
Ranma: [looking at another mirror] Hey, I don't reflect in this
one.
Ukyou: [comes over and looks. She sees herself, dressed in her
usual okonomiyaki sellers' outfit. She is snuggled up to a
blonde bishonen guy in plaid white and green slacks and a long
white buttoned shirt. He is somewhat androgynous] Hmm. This
me has pretty good taste in men.
Ranma: [frowns] Who is that guy?
Ukyou: [thinks] I dunno. I don't recognize him.
[The two in the reflection start to get VERY intimate, and Ukyou
and Ranma blush and turn away VERY quickly]
Ranma: Now I'm afraid to look at more of them. What are these
things?
[They head down the hallway further, and find one mirror with a
oval hole in the middle of it. It doesn't reflect at all. There is
more glass beyond the hole, but it doesn't reflect anything
since the silvered back faces through the hole.]
Ranma: [frowns] That...something about that...
Ukyou: It's the same size as the naniban.
Ranma: ...
Ukyou: Are these all some kind of giant sized nanibans?
Ranma: Hey, yeah, I bet that's it! It must be picking up
subconscious thoughts and stuff. [pauses] Or something.
[Everything seems to go grey, and Ranma freezes in place]
Voice: [andrognyous] You're right, Ukyou. They are special
nanibans. Each of them opens into a different timeline. The one
with the whole is the one that shows your timeline. Touch the
one you want, and you and Ranma will be drawn into that one.
Ukyou: So if I wanted a world where Ranma and I were smurfs,
I could find the right mirror, touch it, and we'd be smurfs? In a
universe where we always had been?
Voice: Yes. I don't think being a smurf is what you really want,
though.
Ukyou: [looks over at Ranma] There's one where we...
Voice: Thousands. And thousands where he hates you, or he
never met you, or he met you, but you were a cow. With just a
little effort you could find one. In fact, you already did.
Ukyou: But we'd still be us...I mean, it wouldn't help.
Voice: That's if you cry over it. If you just touch it and will
yourself to enter, it is as if you always were there.
Ukyou: [looks at Ranma again, then longingly back down
towards where the one where she and Ranma were happy
together was] It can't be that easy.
Voice: Getting here was easy?
Ukyou: Good point. [starts to look at mirrors, then stops] No. I
can't do it.
Voice: It's what you want, isn't it?
Ukyou: [faintly] Yes.
Voice: Then do it.
Ukyou: I want to, but... [looks longingly at Ranma again]
Voice: Don't you deserve a little happiness?
Ukyou: We have to stop the demons.
Voice: You'll be safe. So will he. And doesn't Happousai
deserve to be eaten by demons, anyway? And he's not here to
drag you down with him.
Ukyou: [sudden realization] This is a test. I've got to resist
the temptation...yes, that's it. Hah! I win! You can't MAKE me
do it!
[One of the reflections catches her eyes. It is herself, dressed
as she is now, standing in the hall of mirrors with Ranma. They
are holding hands and smiling at each other.]
Voice: Not every one of these means abandoning your quest.
Why this one...is just like this one, except Ranma loves you.
Ukyou: [gulps and stares longingly. She takes a step towards
it, then stops] No.
Voice: It's what you most desire.
Ukyou: [angrily] You're trying to trick me.
Voice: I have not lied once. I'll swear any oath you wish. May
the Buddha be my witness.
Ukyou: No thanks, Mara.
Voice: [if a voice could start, it would] What? How...
Ukyou: This may not be a ..umm..whatever kind of tree it was,
and I'm not meditating, but I remember how Mara came and
tempted Buddha with his desires. This is a temple of Buddha,
after all.
Voice: As you like. Perhaps your friend will be more amenable.
I remember how much he wants a cure for his curse.
Ukyou: You're a bit late for that.
Voice: I know a few other things he wants too. Or fears. [The
Voice fades and the world returns to normal. Ukyou sees Ranma
reaching for a mirror]
Ukyou: RANCHAN!!!!
***********
[We see Ranma. He sees the world go kind of greyish and Ukyou
freezes in place.]
Ranma: Ucchan? [shakes her, but nothing happens] Great.
Magic. I can't do anything about that. Maybe I can find
something...like what?
[As he looks around, in one mirror, he sees Shinnosuke pulling
Akane out of an underground river onto a dock. She isn't
breathing.]
Ranma: AKANE!
[Shinnosuke starts giving her mouth to mouth resucitation]
Ranma: [gives a sigh of relief] I hope. I hope you know what
you're doing.
[She starts to breathe. Ranma gives a huge sigh of relief. Then
she kisses him and his eyes widen. So do Ranma's.]
Ranma: ...
[She and Shinnosuke start making out intensely, then start
taking each other's clothing off. Ranma watches in disbelief]
Ranma: No way. She wouldn't. [mouth wide open]
[Soon, they are doing the horizontal tango. Ranma's disbelief
turns into anger]
Ranma: And you got mad because I kissed Ukyou! I never had
sex with her just cause she saved me from DROWNING! Of
course, it helps that I know how to swim!
Voice: Touch the mirror and it will take you to that place.
[He reaches out to touch the mirror, but Ukyou suddenly
unfreezes and the lighting returns to normal]
Ukyou: Ranchan! No!
Ranma: [turns to Ukyou] Look! Look what they're doing!
Ukyou: [sees it, blushes and turns away] It's a trap, Ranma.
Mara is trying to trap us.
[In the mirror, Shinnosuke speaks]
Shinnosuke: Oh, Akane, you're even better than Ukyou.
Ranma: [wide eyes] He had sex with you too?
Ukyou: [shouts at the mirror] All we did was KISS, DAMMIT! I
can't believe I... [raises a fist, then trails off] It's trying to
trick us into touching a mirror. If you do it, you'll be sucked in.
Forever, I bet.
[Akane and Shinnosuke are moaning VERY loudly.]
Ranma: [turns away] It looks so real.
Ukyou: There has to be a way out.
[They wander for what seems to be eternity, viewing a hundred
million versions of themselves, an infinite range of
possibilities, from burned out drug addict Ranmas and pregnant,
homeless Ukyous to shiny happy Ranmas and Ukyous that are too
painful for them to watch, because they fall so short of their
other selves' perfection]
Ranma: Maybe there is no way out.
Voice: Only by picking a future you desire.
Ukyou: No way. That's a trap.
Voice: Any future is a trap. But it's a trap you've chosen for
yourself. What more could you ask for?
Ukyou: To be free!
Voice: No one can escape desire, and it is desire which molds
our choices, and our choices our future. Even Buddha could not
escape me, for the desire to have no desires is itself a desire.
He was most thoroughly trapped when he thought he was most
free.
Ranma: Don't try and trick us with words.
Voice: You can't fight your way out of this. Whatever choice
you make, you will be mine. For you must choose, in order to
leave.
Ukyou: Then we won't choose. [sits down]
Voice: That is itself a choice. And if you stay here, you will
starve.
Ranma: [stomach grumbles] Ugh. [thinking] There has to be
SOME way out of this.
*************
[We see Akane, Hitomi, and Shinnosuke walking down a long
hallway painted with pictures of various boddhisatvas.]
Hitomi: So did you dump Ranma for Shin-chan or what?
Akane: No!
Hitomi: Then you apologized to him.
Akane: I'm not the one who did anything wrong.
Hitomi: Why were you two clinging to each other, anyway?
Shinnosuke: It was an accident.
Hitomi: Like the time we found you out behind Grandpa's house
with the cookie jar, having just eaten three dozen cookies, and
you claimed it was an accident?
Shinnosuke: [irritated] That was you.
Hitomi: Oh, NOW you can remember everything. [pouts]
Akane: Did you train somewhere special to be a brat, Hitomi?
Hitomi: Did you train somewhere special to have stupid fights
with your boyfriend?
Akane: Dammit, I am not being stupid this time! I deserved to
know about P-chan!
Hitomi: So cook him and eat him.
Akane: [wrinkles her face] That's disgusting.
Hitomi: Well, what ARE you gonna do?
Akane: Scream a lot and hit people.
Hitomi: Oh, THAT's constructive.
Akane: Well, what would you do?
Hitomi: Kill them all slowly. Make Ranma grovel until the sun
goes out. Cook the pig-boy and serve him at my wedding.
Shinnosuke: That's a joke, right?
Hitomi: Yeah. He'd turn back into a guy if you tried to cook him.
Shinnosuke: ...
Akane: [thinking] I hope I never sound like that. [speaking] I'm
going to make sure he doesn't marry Nabiki. I will NOT have
someone like that as my brother-in-law.
Shinnosuke: Even if he apologizes?
Akane: [hrmphs] I doubt he's sorry. I don't think I'll ever really
trust him even if he does apologize. [sighs] He was a good
friend. I can't...I don't want to believe he really did that, but...
Shinnosuke: Maybe Ranma made it up because he was mad.
Akane: I wish. No, it all makes sense now. [sighs] I wish I
didn't know.
Shinnosuke: I guess having bad memories does have its
advantages.
*************
[We see Ranma and Ukyou sitting in the hall of mirrors and
talking]
Ranma: Maybe if we break them all, we can get out.
Voice: Break it and you destroy the universe it represents.
Ukyou: I think you're lying.
Voice: Do you want to take the chance I'm not?
Ranma: Maybe we can break the ceiling or the floor.
[They give it a shot. The floor opens into a misty, featureless
void, and flames lap beyond the ceiling]
Voice: No way out but touching a mirror.
Ranma: Hmm. Maybe we should pray to Buddha.
Ukyou: Didn't he beat the founder of this place in the head for
praying to him?
Ranma: Maybe he'll take us with him after he leaves after he
beats us up.
Ukyou: Maybe if we wait long enough, we can braid your hair
into a rope and use it to climb down into the pit.
**************
[We see Akane, Shinnosuke, and Hitomi walking along through
the apparently VERY long hallway we saw them in before.]
Shinnosuke: We must be inside the mountain by now.
Hitomi: Of course we are! You two took a ride down an
underground river!
Akane: There's something just wrong about this hallway.
Maybe they ran out of good painting ideas, but haven't we seen
these before?
Hitomi: Ah, this is like the trap Happousai and I got stuck in.
Don't try climbing the walls.
Shinnosuke: Wouldn't the ceiling get in the way, anyway?
Hitomi: [shakes her head] It was an illusion. [looks around]
There's probably a secret door.
Shinnosuke: [thinks a moment] Let's find an Angry Buddha
painting. It's probably there.
Akane: [blinks] Good idea.
[They soon find one, and with some shoving, get the wall to
rotate, letting them out. They find themselves in a dank tunnel
dimly lit by glowing lichens. Shinnosuke and Hitomi start
sweeping the floor.]
Akane: ...
Shinnosuke: Sorry, instinct.
[With effort, they both stop, and the trio heads down the
hallway, finally emerging into a large cavern whose floor
plummets into a crevice. There is a short tunnel with a well lit
staircase beyond the chasm.]
Shinnosuke: Hey, I saw this in that movie...um...anyway, there
was an invisible walkway. [strides towards the edge. Hitomi
pulls him back]
Hitomi: This isn't a movie!
Akane: There has to be some way across it.
Hitomi: Or this could be a dead-end trap. Or they expected us
to be so holy we float.
Akane: I'd better not have to float. In water, anyway.
Shinnosuke: I could probably jump across this.
Akane: Yeah, me too.
Hitomi: I bet I could scream really loudly as I fell to my death.
Shinnosuke: [picks up Hitomi] I can carry you.
Hitomi: If you forget where you're going in mid-jump, I'm gonna
kill you.
[They run and leap across the chasm. Akane makes it.
Shinnosuke falls about six inches short.]
Akane: Shinnosuke!
[Shinnosuke hurls Hitomi forward to Akane, who catches her,
and they both watch in horror as he plummets out of sight.]
Hitomi: [kneels at the edge] Shinnosuke! If you don't live, I'm
going to KILL YOU!!!!
Akane: [watching in horror as a single tear runs down her
cheek] Shinnosuke. No. No. No.
[Shinnosuke's fall is silent. If he ever hits the bottom, he
makes no noise.]
*************
[End Chapter 10]
[We see Herb, who has had the misfortune to be captured by
Dormammu, who believes him to be Happousai. He has been used
to plug a leak in the prison that traps the Mindless Ones. He
appears to float in space with wavy lines around him that
represent the mystic prison, and white sticky stuff around his
circumfrence, which is the spackle used to smooth his edges
for when they paint over him later. On one side of the barrier,
we see a typical Steve Ditko Dr. Strange landscape, and on the
other we see millions of creatures that resemble that statue
you tried to make in art class in the third grade that gave you
nightmares. I'm sure you wish I hadn't reminded you of it. They
pound mindlessly on the barrier, as is their usual pastime,
when not pounding mindlessly on each other. In fact, most of
them can't reach the barrier and HAVE to pound on each other. A
few are pounding on Herb, who is getting more and more pissed
off.]
Herb: This is even worse than judging those damn peasant
disputes. [His battle aura grows brighter with every blow] At
least they were occassionally funny and could be insulted.
[We see a squad of denizens of the Dark Dimension, dressed in
funky quasi-medieval clothing, if Spandex had existed in
medieval times, approach. Each holds a paint bucket and a
brush.]
Herb: Free me and you will be rewarded.
Dark Denizen #1: Hmm. The barrier is talking again. We'll have
to come back with soundproofing.
[They ignore Herb's protests and paint over him and the barrier
in the area, then walk away.]
Herb: Okay, this is the last straw. HERB SMASH! [He focuses his
chi and lets it all detonate in a huge sphere. It blows a five
hundred foot hole in the barrier, flinging Mindless Ones deeper
into the piled up mound of Mindless Ones by the wall.
Immediately, the newcomers begin to pummel everyone around
them. Some wander out the hole, and like pus leaking from a
picked at scab, they erupt through the hole and begin to
rampage. Only the fact that most of the dark dimension is
empty space except for neat swirly colors prevents them from
doing massive property damage. As it is, Herb is trampled by
virtually every Mindless One in the Dark Dimension. This takes
a long time. We'll come back to Herb later.]
***************
Furinkan Summer #11
"The Temple of the Angry Buddha.
Round 2, Fight!"
By John Biles
"Summer Fields"--The FS Theme.
My anger hides a loving heart;
My anger drives us far apart.
Only your love can heal the pain,
For it's your smile that brings the rain
That helps love's fields to grow.
Walk with me through summer's field
So we can help our hearts to heal.
Stride through the grass and smell the air
Under the sun without a care.
I want to walk with you.
We hid our love behind our pride,
Never letting others inside.
To end those lies must be our task;
Tear down the walls; Throw out the masks
We used to hide from love.
Walk with me through summer's field
So we can help our hearts to heal.
Stride through the grass and smell the air
Under the sun without a care.
I want to walk with you.
Love does not end with "I Love You",
Not if what the things we said were true.
We have to strive to make it grow.
We have to let our feelings show
Else love will fade like dew.
***************
[We see Ranma and Ukyou, still trapped in the hall of mirrors]
Ranma: Hmm, wait, any future we desire is here?
Voice: Yes. Just choose one.
Ranma: Any future at all. Even one where I'm a giant flaming
potato?
Voice: ...
Ranma: Answer my question.
Ukyou: Umm, Ranchan...
Voice: Yes. Even that. [pauses] I have to admit no one ever
WANTED that before.
Ranma: Which means if what we desire is to get out of here and
continue on our way to the monks of the Angry Buddha, then
there's a mirror for that.
Ukyou: Yeah!
Voice: I need to learn to not be so thorough.
***********
[We see Akane and Hitomi (Shinnosuke's 12 year old cousin),
still at the edge of the great chasm where Shinnosuke
plummeted out of sight at the end of the last episode.]
Akane: [kneels at the edge and listens] SHINNOSUKE!
Hitomi: [crying] Dammit, Shin-chan, you can't die! You can't!
Akane: [crying a little herself] We should have found another
way.
Hitomi: You should have caught him!
Akane: [frowns] How the hell was I supposed to catch him? He
was six inches away from the edge!
Hitomi: If you could jump across that thing, you could have
caught him!
Akane: [stands up] If you weren't so FAT, he would have made
it across!
Hitomi: I am NOT fat! I didn't make him fall!
Akane: He's stronger than I am! If I could make it, he could.
But he didn't. Because he was carrying YOU, you worthless
BRAT!
Hitomi: [screams] I AM NOT A BRAT!
Akane: You talk about how you were supposed to keep him out
of trouble, but he fell to his death protecting YOU!
Hitomi: [raises her broom over her head] SHUT UP!
Akane: [gets into a fighting stance] Come and get me, brat.
[Hitomi charges in, broom held high over her head like a samurai
charge. Akane easily kicks her in the gut and sends her flying
across the room. ]
Akane: You're gonna have to do better than that.
[Hitomi screams incoherently and unleashes a flurry of blows
at Akane, who panicks a little and is forced back as she defends
herself. Finally, unable to bear the screaming, she is forced to
try to plug her ears to get some relief, only to leave herself
open to a massive blow from Hitomi. Which she doesn't feel.]
Akane: ...
Hitomi: That's just a start! I'm gonna make you BEG for mercy!
[Akane strides forward, ignoring every blow, which she doesn't
feel, and unleashing a hail of blows on Hitomi, who rather
clearly DOES feel it. She drives Hitomi back towards the edge
of the cliff.]
Akane: Now who's gonna be begging for mercy? [her face is a
mask of rage] You made Shinnosuke fall! Now I'm gonna make
you fall like you should have, instead of him!
[Hitomi's rage drains away, turning into terror]
Hitomi: No, stop! [she's defending desperately, barely able to
deflect Akane's blows, though every parry nearly tears the
broom from her hands] I'm sorry, I'm sorry! IT's my fault!
Akane: [her voice sounds almost demonic] Too late for
apologies. You're going to pay!
Hitomi: [beginning to cry] No, really, I'm sorry! I apologize!
It's my fault he fell, please don't kill me!
Akane: [freezes in place at the word kill, and falls to her
knees, staring at the ground] I nearly...I'm sorry. I shouldn't
have. Dammit, I shouldn't have...I just... [breathes heavily] It's
my duty to...to...use my strength wisely. I nearly, I'm just
so...Shinnosuke. [cries some more]
[She and Hitomi kneel and hug each other and cry]
**************
[We see Ranma and Ukyou walking through a maze of corridors
and prayer cells. No one is in them, but there's prayer wheels
and prayer strips everywhere.]
Ukyou: Maybe they got confused and sprayed for monks.
Ranma: ...
Ukyou: We need a 'You are here' map.
[Ranma points. There is a map of the temple: All twelve levels
and 653 rooms. Unfortunately, it is labelled in Quecha, and
large parts have painted over with blue paint and have the
words 'Deleted for Security Reasons' painted over that in black,
not that Ukyou and Ranma could read Quecha.]
Ukyou: We need one we can use.
Ranma: Picky, picky.
**************
[We see Onna-Happousai pacing back and forth.]
Onna-Happousai: There has to be some way out of here. I just
have to figure out how it works. [looks at the floor] Hmm. I
didn't notice this. It's sort of curved, just a bit. [moves
forward] Weird, the curvature seems to remain stable, arcing
up in front of me and behind me. Must be more magic.
[There is an audible pop and forty-three demons appear behind
him. They are lead by a giant guinea pig with no head, a huge
mouth across its belly, and a mouth in each of its forepaws]
Onna-Happousai: Hey, you can't come for my soul! I would never
sell my soul to something as stupid looking as you.
Y'Guineac: [the guinea pig thing] Unfortunately, the stars aren't
right for Cthulhu to come after you himself, so he hired me.
Onna-Happousai: I'll double his offer!
Y'Guineac: If you can turn two planets into food pellets, I'll
take that deal.
Onna-Happousai: Um...I could afford a nice splurge at the pet
store, maybe get you a new head...
Y'Guineac: SLAY HIM AND BRING ME HIS FOOT!
Demon: Shouldn't that be his head?
Y'Guineac: I'm not trying to get a head in the world.
Demon: ...
[The horde charges at Happousai, who starts running. As they
zoom along, they just can't seem to get any closer. Our view
zooms out, and we can see the entire length of the hallway in
profile. It is a giant hamster wheel, rotating around a central
axis. We can see the axle is turning some gears, but what that
does, we do not see before we fade to the next scene]
**********
[We see Ukyou and Ranma wandering across a large dining hall.
There is a soda dispenser at one end of the room and some cups.
Ukyou and Ranma stop and each get some coke, then sit down.]
Ranma: I hope the monks haven't gone to Transylvania to kill
vampires or something.
Ukyou: Given the stuff guarding the ways in, they don't have to
worry about being robbed while they're gone.
Ranma: There has to be some safe way in, unless they ALWAYS
fight their way in.
Ukyou: Well, maybe it's good practice.
Ranma: I'm hungry. [looks around and sees the kitchen is
locked, but there's a snack machine, so he buys some chips] I'd
hate to be the guy who has to come restock this machine.
Ukyou: I bet he's the buffest delivery man in the universe.
[The door opens and a man walks in, pulling a cart full of cases
of various snacks. He looks incredibly wimpy, although he isn't
having any trouble moving the cart]
Ranma: ...
Ukyou: ...
Delivery Man: [blinks] Hey, I thought you all went after the
people who mugged that dwarf.
Ranma: ...
Ukyou: They're off hunting some people who mugged a dwarf?
Delivery Man: Yeah. Apparently some group of Japanese people
broke into his shop and beat him up, so he went to them to get
himself avenged.
Ranma: ...
Ukyou: ...
Delivery Man: So you came here to petition them?
Ranma: Yeah, there's these six armies of demons and...
Delivery Man: The ones who followed me in through the service
entrance?
Ranma: ...
Ukyou: There's a service entrance?
Delivery Man: It's not like I have the skills to fight my way in.
Ukyou: You LET the demons in?
Delivery Man: Do I look like I could fight six armies of demons
by myself?
Ranma: We're toast.
Delivery Man: Well, if you go to the main temple, the Demons
can't get in because it's sacred.
Ukyou: Yeah. We can wait for the monks there.
Delivery Man: Good luck!
Ranma: Do you know how to get to the shrine?
[The deliveryman begins giving directions, and we cut to the
next scene]
***********
[We see Akane and Hitomi walking quietly down a hallway, past
a bank of prayer cells, similar to the ones we saw Ukyou and
Ranma by earlier]
Akane: [thinking] Is she just weak, or am I really tough for
some reason? Her blows felt like taps.
Hitomi: [thinking] She's good. I hit her so many times, and she
just kept going, and then she clobbered me.
[They walk in silence until finally, they round a corner and
come face to face with a pack of sixty eight demonic looking
skeletons. They look like human skeletons, but with glowing
fires in the eye sockets and a long bony (obviously enough) tail
tipped with a scorpion stinger. Each holds a pole-axe made
from bones. They are lead by a strange female demon which has
six human arms, a human torso, and a human head, but whose
lower body is a ten foot long snake tail, which she slithers
along on. Each arm holds a different weapon, she has purple
eyes, and a golden tiara holds back her blonde head.]
Akane: Ack! Demons!
[The tiara clad demon nods, but the others all shake their heads]
Bone Monster #5: We've decided that term is archaic and
denigratory, used only to discriminate against us. We prefer
the term 'Tanaari' now.
Bone Monster #8: I thought we changed our species name so
that the Moral Majority wouldn't boycott us. We never should
have let Disney buy us out, anyway.
Bone Monster #6: Technically, it's more like a genus or even a
family name. I've been working on extending the classification
system to include supernatural beings. So, we'd belong to the
fourth Kingdom, 'Unnaturale', and then the Phylum would be
determined by alignment, so our Phylum is Lawfulus Evilus,
and...
Tiara wearing monster: Hey, I'm chaotic evil!
Bone Monster #3: Hey, you HAVE to be lawful evil to be from
the Nine Hells!
Tiara Wearing Monster: Oh, umm...[starts to sweat] I guess I
just got confused.
Bone Monster #23: Hey, she's a type five demon! Why are we
following her?
Tiara Wearing Monster: [turns to face him] We no longer answer to such a
generic term as 'type V' or a denigratory term such as 'demon'. We'
prefer to be called Baatezu, and I prefer to use my name, which
is Denise, instead of a silly 'Type whatever' designation. I have
an identity beyond my species, thank you.
Bone Monster #5: [gravely] While normally I would applaud your
enlightened sentiments, I'm afraid due to the fact that our
respective planes of existence have been at war for all of
eternity, I'm going to have to help them annhilate you.
Denise: [nods] I understand. I'll kill you last as a gesture of my
respect.
Bone Monster #6: Thank you.
[The monsters begin beating each other up, while Akane and
Hitomi run.]
***********
[We can see Ranma and Ukyou running down a corridor. Then
they hear a really LOUD grinding noise.]
Ukyou: Look behind us.
Ranma: Why?
Ukyou: I have this feeling a huge stone ball is about to come
rolling down the hallway behind us.
Ranma: [looks] Nope.
Ukyou: Don't horrible grinding noises usually mean something is
about to kill you in a place like this?
Ranma: Perhaps someone else is dying and we just get to listen
to it.
Ukyou: ...
Ranma: [laughs] I'm joking. Don't worry about it.
[They round a corner and see a huge stone plate is jerkily
descending down to block the entrance to the Shrine beyond.]
Ukyou: [speeds up] This is gonna be tight.
Ranma: Naah, we'll make it easily.
[A side door bursts open and dozens of six foot tall cigarettes
with painted on faces and Mickey Mouse like hands, arms, legs,
and feet erupt into the hallway. They are armed with small
lighters, but nothing else.]
Ranma: ...
Ukyou: Lemme guess, you work for the demon lord Joe Camel?
Cigarette Demon: We'd be camels. He won't employ living
cigarettes like us. In fact, he slaughters our brethren! The
bastard! We're working for Mammon now.
Ukyou: Look, we're not Happousai!
Cigarette Demon: And we're not picky. ATTACK!
[Ukyou and Ranma tense, but the demons simply ignite the top
of their bodies, which begin to burn, releasing cigarrette smoke
in massive quantities. Ukyou and Ranma begin to cough.]
Ukyou: You guys do know you're going to die, right?
Mr. Butts [ a Cigarette Demon]: Hah! Unlike you, we have no
lungs to turn black!
Ukyou: I was thinking of the fact that you're going to burn to
ash.
Cigarette Demon: ...
Ranma: [sees the door is still descending] Ukyou, run!
Ukyou: I'm not leaving you, Ranchan.
Ranma: [coughs] I'll be...ack...fine.
Ukyou: [shakes her head] I'm not going.
Cigarette Demons: At least we can take you with us! [They
charge in, trying to burn Ranma and Ukyou with their heads.
There's simply too many of them, and Ranma's lack of a weapon
hampers him. He tries simply using his speed to strike without
getting burned, but soon his hands are in agony, and all he can
do is retreat]
Ukyou: You fall back, Ranchan. I can hold them off. [Not for
long, but her spatula is a lot better for fighting humanoid
flaming cigarrettes than Ranma's bare hands]
Ranma: I'm not going to leave you!
Ukyou: [leans over and kisses him, then suddenly scoops him up
with her spatula and sends him sliding across the floor like a
shuffleboard puck just before the stone door slams down]
Goodbye, Ranchan. Don't forget me. [turns to the cigarette
demons] Get back or die.
Cigarette Demons: There's too many of us for you to kill us all!
Ukyou: [coughing on the smoke] Unless I use... [whips out a
several pound bag of some kind of white and black powder]
This.
Cigarette Demon #25: Looks like salt and pepper to me.
Ukyou: This is your last chance! Retreat now!
Cigarette Demon #26: Fat chance! I can't sneeze because I have
no real nasal passages! Same reason we aren't choking on our
own smoke!
Ukyou: This isn't salt and pepper. [hurls it into the air, where
it becomes a huge mottled cloud over the heads] It's flour
mixed with gunpowder.
[*BOOM!*]
******************
[We see Akane and Hitomi running down a corridor towards a
stone door that is jerkily dropping towards the floor.]
Akane: Run faster!
Hitomi: [falling behind] I don't get any faster than this!
[The pack of demons chasing them, a mob of slavering hell
hounds with flames coming from their eyes, noses, mouth, and
ears and four five armed flaming demons with flaming swords
and flaming whips and lots of gratuitous flames dancing around
them as they each ride a flaming member of the band Black
Flag. And the band doesn't look too happy about this. ]
Flaming Demon #3: It's about bloody flaming time we flaming
well flamed these flaming flames!
Flaming Demon #4: Well, things would be a lot more flamey if
you and Screaming Flamer hadn't decided to have a flaming
argument about your flaming excuse for a godflamed flaming
fling with the flame forsaken Taanari bimbo. I was so
disgusted, I had to eat all my flameberries to calm down. So
chew on my smoke, Whining Flamer.
Flaming Demon #2: Look, Sarcastic Flamer, we've all had
flaming enough of your flaming sarcasm, you flaming flame.
Akane: [snaps] I can't STAND IT ANYMORE! The first being to
use the word Flame again DIES SCREAMING!
Sarcastic Flamer: [Aka Flaming Demon #4] You need to kill
your flaming self then, you flaming idiot. You said Flame
before we did.
Akane: Run, Hitomi. I have to kill them all.
Hitomi: I don't think that's a good idea.
Whining Flamer: Like get on with killing us flaming already.
I'm flaming tired of waiting to get flamed.
Flaming Demon #1: DIE IN FLAMES, YOU SMOKELESS PILE OF
ASHES! [unleashes a huge wad of flames capable of lighting
even the most recalcitrant barbeque]
Akane: [emerges unhurt from the flames and grins] Nice try.
Flaming Demon #1: Uh, guys, I think we're so flamed it isn't
going to be very flamey.
Akane: Run, Hitomi, just in case. I need to work off my
frustrations.
Hitomi: But...
Akane: Unless you're fireproof, run.
[Hitomi runs, making it under the dropping stone barrier just in
time]
Akane: Looks like you guys picked the wrong day to stop
sniffing glue.
Flaming Demon #5: I tried that, but my nostrils stuck together
and I couldn't breathe when I was asleep and I died.
[Everyone turns and looks at him]
Flaming Demon #5: Hmm. I suppose I should be dead. [slumps
over and dissolves to ash]
Akane: Who wants to be next?
[They all direct massive gouts of flame at her, and she walks
unhurt out of the fire and dropkicks one of the hellhounds right
into Flaming Demon #2's head, knocking him off the flaming
Black Flag member he is riding, who runs off]
Akane: I could get to like this.
***********
[We see Ranma and Hitomi both tumble into the temple at the
same time. It is huge, with a two hundred foot tall vaulted
ceiling. Every inch of wall has either paintings, wall carvings,
or painted wall carvings depicting various Buddhist legends or
victories of the monks. The room is circular, with four
entrances. An eight sided table stands in the middle, with four
walk ways leading to the doors. Between the walkways, large
pools of water fill much of the room, although there is a
fifteen foot wide walkway around the outside. A glowing
octagon floats over the table near the top of the ceiling, and
dozens of prayer strips hang down from the ceiling. There are
signs hanging from the ceiling over each of the pools, but they
are in Croatoan, Esperanto, and Bg'tzlian.]
Ranma: [pounds on the door] UKYOU!
Hitomi: [shouts through the door] Akane!
[They both turn and stare across the room at each other.]
Ranma: Akane's on the other side of that door?
Hitomi: She's fighting a bunch of flamers!
Ranma: ...
Hitomi: She thinks she's invincible or something!
Ranma: ...
Hitomi: So what happened with you?
Ranma: Ukyou threw me in here to save me from a bunch of
angry cigarettes.
Hitomi: Don't make fun of me!
Ranma: It's the TRUTH!
Hitomi: What, did they set themselves on fire?
Ranma: Yeah.
Hitomi: ...
Ranma: [runs across the room to where Hitomi is] So Akane's
on the other side?
Hitomi: Yeah.
[Ranma struggles to open the door, but soon gives up] Dammit,
I'm not strong enough!
Hitomi: Got any gunpowder?
Ranma: UKYOU! [runs halfway across the room and reaches the
table, then sighs] Dammit, they're both in danger and I can't
help either of them!
Hitomi: It sucks.
Ranma: Hey, where's Shinnosuke and Happousai?
Hitomi: Happousai's trapped in a corridor with no end or
beginning. It's one big circle. And [shudders] Shinnosuke is
dead, I think.
Ranma: [big eyes] He...WHAT?
Hitomi: [starts to cry] He fell to his death throwing me to
safety.
Ranma: [runs over to her] He...fell to his death?
Hitomi: [buries her face in his chest] It was my fault. He
couldn't make the jump because I weighed too much. [shudders]
I'll never eat again. I won't!
Ranma: Starving yourself won't bring him back. [awkwardly
pats her back]
Hitomi: I just...I meant to...I didn't want him to...[cries some
more]
Ranma: [thinks a moment] There has to be some way to open
these doors. [looks around] Maybe if we pull the right prayer
strip.
[He and Hitomi start pulling on the prayer strips. Bells ring,
whistles sound, and at one point, an animatronic Buddha comes
out of the ceiling and pronounces a blessing, but they don't
seem to be opening the doors]
Hitomi: [keeps unleashing the animatronic Buddha] We could
use one of these in my house. I like it.
Ranma: Keep searching. [sounds desperate] SOMETHING opens
those doors up.
Hitomi: Maybe they never closed them before.
Ranma: Try not to have any more helpful thoughts like that,
okay? We don't want to give the universe any suggestions.
************
[We see Herb finally peel himself off the floor of the Dark
Dimension. He can see buildings being smashed off in the
distance as the Mindless Ones run amok.]
Herb: [moans] This really hurts.
[He sees the sky start to crack in the distance, with a starry
void shining through]
Herb: Well, now we know why he kept those things imprisoned.
Dormammu: [appears by Herb] I will destroy you for this. It's
going to take me centuries to fix all the damage! Damn you,
Happousai!
Herb: Look, Flaming Carrot, I am NOT Happousai.
Dormammu: I am NOT Flaming Carrot!
Herb: You're Jack O' Lantern's dumber brother?
Dormammu: Enough of your insolence! Now, I will destroy your
soul! [reaches into his pocket and pulls out a packet of gum,
then blinks] Your soul looks like a packet of gum?
Herb: Why would my soul be in your pocket to start with?
Dormammu: Part of the contract.
Herb: That I didn't sign.
Dormammu: [whips out his copy] See, here's your handwriting!
Herb: [scribbles, Herb, Emperor of the Musk Dynasty in elegant
handwriting next to the illiterate scrawl of Happousai's name]
Does this look like the same handwriting?
Dormammu: Maybe you had plastic surgery.
Herb: ...
Dormammu: Doesn't matter. You unleashed the mindless ones.
For that, you will die. Slowly.
Herb: Do I get a last meal?
Dormammu: Sure. What do you want?
Herb: Some perrier, miso soup, and a meat lover's pizza.
Dormammu: [gestures and a table, chair, silverware, and the
requested food appear] You have ten minutes, then I kill you.
Herb: [eats the entire pizza, then dumps the perrier AND the
soup on Dormammu's head. The fire goes out, revealing he is
wearing an ape mask. Herb rips that off and sees his own face.
That too is a mask, which he rips off, revealing a sinister
looking man with a long pointed nose, sparse dark hair, and a
long moustache that curls at the ends] Ahah! So the Dread
Dormammu is actually... Snidely Whiplash!
Snidely: Curses, foiled again!
Velma: [yes, the Scooby Doo character] And the Dark Dimension
is actually... [reaches out and rips down the rest of the sky,
revealing star...and a projector. They are standing inside a
planetarium] The Angel Grove Planetarium! This was all just
an effort to scare off everyone by thinking they'd been
kidnapped to the Dark Dimension, then buying up their homes
cheap in return for 'returning them to their home dimension'
Snidely: And it would have worked if not for you meddling kids
and the Dragon Prince of the Musk Dynasty!
Scooby: Rut rabout me?
Snidely: No, you didn't do anything to ruin my plans.
Scooby: [goes off and pouts]
Fred: Hey, Herb, need a ride anywhere? The Mystery Machine is
ready to roll.
Herb: Can you take me to China?
Fred: No problem. You're already in China.
Herb: Great! [runs out the door of the Planetarium, sees a sign
nearby which says, 'Welcome to China, Texas'] AAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [suddenly everything goes
black, and Herb wakes up in a dentist's chair]
Herb: ...
Dentist: Hmm. Did I not use enough anaesthetic?
Herb: Umm...how did I get here?
Dentist: The Mindless Ones destroyed the Dark Dimension, and
you fell through the resulting rift into my office, so I decided
to use you to practice my oral surgery skills.
Herb: ...
Dentist: I wasn't sure if I still remembered how to do a root
canal, you see, and...
[Herb explodes out of the chair and through the wall, leaving a
Herb shaped hole in the wall]
Dentist: I suppose this means you won't be wanting the
complimentary toothbrush and floss?
************
[We see Akane standing in the middle of a pile of unconscious
flaming demons and hellhounds. She is now totally naked,
except for her socks and shoes. Little bits of ash cling to her,
showing that her clothing burned away.]
Akane: [strikes a triumphal pose over the knocked out people]
Akane wins! Fatality! [looks at herself] Or maybe that should
be Akane wins, nudity. Yeesh, I hope no one can see me.
[Embarrassed, she tries to cover herself with her hands and
starts looking for clothing. Eventually, she finds her way back
to a cubicle and takes some monk robes]
Akane: I hate to take this guy's clothing, but I can't just
wander around nude. [returns to the battleground. The Flaming
demons are burning away to nothing] I can't believe I beat them
all. I must be invulnerable somehow. [looks at the stone door]
Maybe I'm stronger too. [tries punching the wall. Nothing
happens, but she doesn't feel it] I can't lift it...no way to get
my fingers under it. There's got to be a mechanism around here
somewhere... [starts feeling along the wall. She finds a panel
that opens, and inside is a push-button] Ahah! [pushes it.
There is a great grinding noise, and far down the hallway, she
can hear the sound of a spring being released. The far end opens
up and a huge pinball shoots down the corridor straight at her]
I hate pinball.
[*WHAM!*]
**************
[We see Ukyou, who is unconscious, lying in one of the streets
of a city, which could be any Japanese city of a fair size. She
moans and wakes up, looks around, then blinks. Except for the
black soot all over her, there is no sign she ever left Japan.]
Ukyou: [sits up and blinks] Did I dream that?
[She notices there is a bra on her foot, and blinks, then quickly
looks inside her own wrap around top]
Ukyou: Well, that's not MY bra. [kicks it away as she stands up]
Did I dream all that? Somehow?
[The bra scampers over near her feet and nudges one of them]
Ukyou: [looks down] Another one? [kicks it away, then starts
down the street] Okay, I don't quite recognize this area...well, I
think I hear the metro that way...
[The bra pauses, then scampers after her. More underwear tries
to present itself to her, from boxer shorts to panties, but she
doesn't even notice half of it, steps over most of the rest, and
kicks a few away. Finally, when about thirty items of
underwear are trailing her, she stops and looks back. The
underwear stops moving and tries to act casual.]
Ukyou: ... [stares for a long moment] I must be in Nerima. I bet
Happy dumped these here. [shakes her head, then realizes
there's a teddy by her feet] Yeesh! [pauses] Was that there
before?
[The underwear shakes itself no, then freezes in place]
Ukyou: Okay, even for my life, this is weird. Are you going to
attack me?
[The teddy plays dead]
Ukyou: [sighs] Now I'm talking to underwear.
[Our view pulls back and we see that two junior devils are
watching this on a crystal ball]
Big Butt: Hmm. I thought you said this was guaranteed to work.
Big Nose: Hey, according to our records, Happousai CANNOT
resist underwear.
Big Butt: According to our records, he's a wizened old man, not
a cute teenager.
Big Nose: Happousai is VERY devious. Besides, we've learned he
was turned into a woman at the castle of the Seven Lucky Gods.
So this could be him. She used explosives, right?
Big Butt: But she's ignoring the underwear.
Big Nose: Hey, the Tantalus method is the guaranteed way to
deal with addicts like this Happousai. He's just bluffing.
Big Butt: We have the wrong person.
Big Nose: Trust me.
Big Butt: You think I'm going to trust a devil?
Big Nose: Like you can talk.
*************
[We see Ranma and Hitomi sitting on the big table in the center
of the room with their legs dangling over the edge, lying with
their backs on the table, head to head]
Ranma: So then Ryouga just went berserk, tearing the place
apart, shouting about how they were evil and all had to be
destroyed. By the time he finished, there wasn't a piece of the
building more than an inch across that wasn't broken.
Hitomi: I was wondering why we couldn't find an International
House of Pork in Nerima.
Ranma: You won't find one in Tokyo. Or anywhere else Ryouga
goes. I think he's on their Most Wanted List.
Hitomi: How does he pay for the damage?
Ranma: Even if he wanted to, he'd get lost trying to take them
the money.
Hitomi: [laughs, then sighs] Does it normally take this long to
get rescued?
Ranma: [frowns] We are not waiting to be rescued. We're
waiting for someone to open the door.
Hitomi: [cocks her head] I think I hear someone coming.
[A panel in the ceiling opens and shaven headed monks wearing
'Batman' costumes begin leaping out to the various prayer
ribbons and then swinging around the room, ribbon to ribbon,
gradually lowering themselves to the various walk-ways.
Seventeen make it, while three of them fall into various of the
four pools. One crawls out as a woman, one is a falcon, and the
third seems unaffected, except for being sopping wet. They all
stare at Ranma and Hitomi.]
Voice: [from up inside the trapdoor. It is deep and gruff] Oh
no, I am NOT going to do that.
Monk #4: Intruders! Danger, Will Robinson! Danger! Danger!
Monk #5: [clonks #4 on the head with a batarang] Calm down,
Bruce.
Monk #4: You didn't have to hit me in the head, Bruce!
Monk #18: Yes, but only violence makes you shut up, Bruce.
Monk #3: [to Ranma] Who are you and why have you come to the
temple of the Angry Buddha?
Hitomi: [flatly] I'm an idiot.
Monk #9: Well, I have to say your honesty is refreshing.
Ranma: Happousai said only you could stop the six armies of
demons after him.
Monk #2: [blanches] Why would we want to do that?
Ranma: [hesitantly] So they don't destroy humanity?
Monk #5: Demons aren't allowed to hurt anyone who doesn't
invite demons into their life. They can't just carry ANYONE off
to Hell, or they already would have.
Hitomi: [frowns] So we came here for nothing?
[The sound of scuffling up above the trapdoor and of batarangs
bouncing off metal can be heard. Ranma looks up.]
Ranma: Some criminal you're bringing to justice?
Monk #12: [now a woman] No, a client who doesn't want to
come in the proper way. We're trying to track down some
people who beat him up. The weird thing is, the Buddha gave us
an omen that we'd find some of them back here in our temple.
Ranma: [nervously] You're not working for Ryouga, are you?
Monk #7: [shakes his dripping head. He is the wet one who
didn't transform] No, he's one of the people we're hunting.
Along with... [consults a list] Soun Tendo. Akane Tendo. Ryouga
Hibiki. Oh, I said him. Ranma Saotome. Some dragon
named...hmm, the rest of the list smudged when I fell in. You
got a copy, Bruce?
Monk #10: Sorry, Bruce, I thought you and Bruce had the list.
Monk #7: Well, Bruce is up with that dwarf guy, trying to get
him to come down.
[Five feet simulatneously punt a dwarf in full chainmail with a
horned helmet out the trapdoor. He desperately clings to a
prayer ribbon as he passes it]
Dwarf: AAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!
[Ranma looks up and bigsweats]
Ranma: That's the guy you're trying to help?
Monk #7: Yes, we swore the Oath of Massive Pain against
everyone who assaulted him.
Hitomi: Oath of Massive Pain?
Monk #7: When we catch them, they will be subjected to the
101 tortures of the Yama Jacks.
Hitomi: Yama Jacks?
Monk #6: The lower ranking subordinates of the Yama Kings.
Hitomi: ...
Ranma: [sweats more] 101 tortures?
Monk #7: We start with feeding you a quart of whiskey made
from the apples of immortality. This essentially means you
won't age for a century, and all your wounds regenerate within
hours.
Hitomi: That's a torture?
Monk #9: You wouldn't last through all 101 tortures without it.
[Up above, two monks are trying to grapple the dwarf with
batlines from their batarangs. Instead, they succeed in tying
themselves up, and are now dangling from the dwarf, who is
starting to slip.]
Dwarf: I don't live in a cave because I LIKE heights, you know!
Strung-up Monk #1: Would you rather have to fight your way
in?
Dwarf: I AM HAVING TO FIGHT MY WAY IN!
Strung-Up Monk #2: Nice job, Bruce.
Strung-Up Monk #1: I don't see you doing anything, Jason!
Strung-Up Monk #2: He died. I told you that phone-in contest
was a bad idea.
Strung-Up Monk #1: I didn't think they would actually vote for
him to DIE!
[Down below]
Ranma: Um, well, if we don't have to worry about the demons,
we'll just round up our friends and go home.
Monk #7: Be our guest. We'll clean up those annoying demons
ourselves. Thanks for visiting! It does get lonely sometimes.
[The prayer ribbon above breaks, and the two monks and the
dwarf plummet into one of the pools. There is a great gout of
water and Ranma, Hitomi, and most of the monks get splashed.
The female monk and the falcon turn back into male monks. No
one else is effected. The pool is half empty now as the dwarf
and two monks struggle out.]
Ranma: [looks at the pools] Wait...are these magical pools?
Hitomi: What, you thought they could have turned that monk
into a falcon if they were normal?
Ranma: Hey, they could have been cursed BEFORE they struck
the pools.
Monk #7: We have four pools. One is a cold one for exercise.
One is a nice hot sauna. One cures any shape-changing curse.
That's the one we just all got splashed with. The fourth one
causes a gender-changing curse.
Ranma: I wish I'd known about this place before.
Monk #7: You had a curse?
Ranma: I wouldn't be here if I had come here first.
Monk #7: ...
Ranma: I mean, I went on a quest for a cure, and that's how I
was at the castle where Herb or Happousai, or whoever,
unleashed the demons. Anyway, if I could have just come here...
Monk #7: It was fate, no doubt.
Dwarf: [points at Ranma] That's one of them!
Still Strung-up Monk #1: [staggers as he tries to get untied and
falls down] The guy?
Dwarf: Yeah. Not the girl, though.
[All the monks turn and stare at Ranma]
Ranma: I think I hear my mother calling. [grabs Hitomi] Geez,
you're heavy! [tries to leap up to the trapdoor, but only spans
half the distance] Hey, this should be easy!
Hitomi: [big eyes] I really am getting fat! I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
it's my fault!
[As they plummet, Ranma grabs onto a prayer ribbon, so they
don't fall all the way]
Ranma: Wrap your arms around me so I can use both arms.
[She does so, pausing to stick her broom through her belt and
climbing onto Ranma's back]
Ranma: Did you eat bricks or something? Even Pop doesn't
weigh this much.
Hitomi: [starts to tear up] I don't mean to be so heavy.
Ranma: [slowly climbing] I mean, you're not fat, but it's just
so hard to carry you! [pauses] Come on, don't cry.
Hitomi: [choking back tears] I'm nothing but trouble. [panics]
You're going to die just like Shinnosuke!
Ranma: He fell off a prayer ribbon while carrying you.
Hitomi: Okay, maybe not JUST like Shinnosuke.
**********
[We see Ukyou, still in the 'city']
Ukyou: Geez, where is everyone? It's like the city is deserted.
[In the observation room]
Big Butt: She's getting suspicious. I told you we should have
hired those succubi.
Big Nose: We're Tanaari. We can't hire Baatezu.
Big Butt: Since when were we Racoon-foxes?
Big Nose: Don't make me hurt you.
[In the 'city']
Ukyou: [frowns] And I can't open any doors, or get into the
metro station. [pounds on the door] They're all locked! No
people. What is this? [takes a mighty swing with the mega-
spatula. Not only does the door shake, the entire block shakes]
What? [takes another swing, and the entire side of the street
sways] Hrm. [pauses, closes her eyes, and focuses, then takes
a really heavy swing. The entire side of the street topples
over, revealing it to be only a big false front. Panicked
underwear runs everywhere. Ukyou stares at it.] What the...
[Back in the 'control room']
Big Butt: I thought the flats were warded to be invulnerable
versus perverts!
Big Nose: They are!
Big Butt: Screwtape is going to eat our heads for this.
Big Nose: Mammon is going to use you to pave the floor.
Big Butt: He's going to use YOU as a control rod in his nuclear
reactor.
Big Nose: Mammon's going to force you to listen to every
protest song recorded in the sixties.
Big Butt: [winces] Ugh, even he wouldn't do that.
Mammon: [a slickly dressed devil with a Gordon Gecko haircut
and a nice business suit, wearing a gold ring on every finger]
And why would I do this to you?
Big Butt: Can I just throw myself in a pool of molten gold and
get it over with?
*************
[We see Akane slowly rolling the pinball back down the hallway]
Akane: [pauses] Well, I may be invulnerable, but I'm not
tireless. [breathes hard] This thing must weigh tons.
Voice: [*Ping*] Ball Two!
Akane: ...
[We hear the sound of a rapidly approaching sphere
and...*BLAMMO*]
****************
[Back to Ranma and Hitomi. As they climb, they can see all the
monks are shimmying up ropes towards them. There is a loud
impact noise and everyone looks down towards the door that
made the noise. It now bulges in spherically.]
Ranma: What the...
Hitomi: Climb! Climb! The bat-monks are coming!
Ranma: Only in my life. [huffs and puffs as he climbs] Geez,
why am I getting so tired?
Hitomi: Maybe I should climb.
Ranma: I can climb faster than you.
[The monks are closing in.]
Monk #5: I know what evil lurks in the hearts of men! I, the...oh
wait, wrong tag line.
Monk #9: You can't outrace us! We can climb faster than you.
Ranma: In your dreams! [nearly slips and falls] Urk. [looks down
at the monks, then up at the trapdoor] Oh great, we're on the wrong
ribbon.
Hitomi: [whips out her broom and bats away the leading monk,
who falls down near the bottom before grabbing onto the ribbon
again] I hope you don't fall, changing ribbons. We'll fall pretty
quick.
Ranma: Good idea.
Hitomi: What?
Ranma: Hold on tight!
[She does. He leaps down into one of the pools, praying he
remembered them correctly. They plunge into the pool, and
when they surface, he is a woman, and Hitomi is a man.]
Boy-Hitomi: Please tell me this was NOT part of your plan.
Ranma-chan: This wasn't part of the plan.
Boy-Hitomi: [beats him with the broom] LIAR! You're only
saying that because I told you to!
Ranma-chan: [hefts Hitomi, then blinks] Hey, you suddenly lost
almost all your weight.
Boy-Hitomi: [looks at Ranma's breasts] I guess it all went to
your chest.
Ranma-chan: Hey, if I have to be a girl, at least I get to look
good!
Boy-Hitomi: Big breasts are overrated.
Ranma-chan: You'll change your mind when you're older.
[pauses] Okay, maybe YOU won't unless that's permanent...
Boy-Hitomi: AAAAAAAAA!!!!!
Ranma-chan: Don't worry, there's a cure pool. Which must
be...THAT ONE! [points and leaps] Hmm, jumping's back to
normal.
Boy-Hitomi: I guess Happousai was right.
Ranma-chan: Maybe my chi was just jammed in the door of my
soul.
Boy-Hitomi: Maybe your brain died.
[*SPLASH!*]
Ranma-chan: [shivers] Brr, cold!
Boy-Hitomi: [frantic] That was NOT it!
[*SPLASH!*]
Ranma: That's it.
Hitomi: Are you sure it wasn't just the hot water pool?
[Jump. *SPLASH!*]
Ranma: [shudders] Looks like the cure pool really works. Brr,
this is cold!
Hitomi: [gives a big sigh of relief, then looks up] Uh oh.
Ranma: Can't you take a little cold?
[She points to the edge of the pool. While they were jumping
around, all the monks got down and surrounded the pool]
Monk #21: Come out with your hands up, criminals!
Ranma: See ya, suckers! [lifts Hitomi and tries to jump away,
but only makes it to the table in the middle of the room, right
next to some of the monks] Urk. You're heavy again!
Hitomi: No, you're weak! You were stronger as a girl than as a
guy!
Ranma: I am not! I'm stronger as a guy than a girl!
Hitomi: Then the curse did it!
Ranma: IT DID NOT!
[Soon, they are surrounded again as they bicker. Just as the
monks are pulling out handcuffs, chains, padlocks, manacles and
neckties...]
Voice: [*Ping!] BONUS BALL! CONGRATULATIONS!
Ranma: What?
Monk #5: Wow, only Groo the Wanderer ever made it to that
point.
[*WHAMMO!* The stone door ruptures inward and four huge
hallway sized pinballs and Akane come flying into the room.
Akane simply gets run over, while all three giant pinballs go
flying into the cure pool, splashing most of the room. The pool
is now full of the huge pinballs.]
Akane: [peels herself off the floor] This place is EVIL! EVIL!
[starts to flare red with chi, then turns and sees the monks]
Who built those pinballs?
Monk #10: I did. Pretty neat, eh? You win a prize for surviving
to the bonus round, you know.
Akane: Do I get to pick it?
Monk #10: Sure.
Akane: YOUR HEAD! [charges berserkly towards the monks]
Ranma: Hey, Akane! You made it!
Hitomi: [cries a little] You're alive!
Tied up Monk #2: That's Akane Tendo?
Ranma: Yeah.
Monks: ARREST HER! ARREST THEM ALL!!!!!
[An all out brawl erupts]
***************
[We see Ukyou, wandering through a maze of hallways. Each one
seems to open onto a scene of someone being tortured in some
way, from endlessly rolling a boulder to the top of a hill, only
to have it roll down at the last moment to someone being
forced to watch Friends. At this last sight, Ukyou hastily
slams the door.]
Ukyou: No one deserves that much punishment. [hears
movement behind her] Who's there?
Mammon: My apologies. I'm afraid you were mistaken for
Happousai. Those responsible are being dealt with.
[We see Big Nose and Big Butt. They have been locked in a room
with Jean Paul Sartre, and are pounding on the walls, begging to
be locked out as he drones on.]
Ukyou: Where am I?
Mammon: Mammon Studios. I'm sure you've seen some of our
productions, such as 'Full House', 'Highlander 2', 'Speed 2',
'Batman and Robin', and the Fourth Crusade.
Ukyou: Most of these shows were painful to watch when I
peeked in the doors.
Mammon: I see you haven't seen any of what I mentioned
earlier, then.
Ukyou: I thought a Full House was a hand in cards.
Mammon: [sighs] I see we need to work on our overseas
marketing. Anyway, I'm here to send you back to where you
came from, since we can't keep you, more's the pity.
Ukyou: Keep me?
Mammon: [smiles] Nothing. [wiggles his fingers and Ukyou
suddenly finds herself back in the Temple, next to the stone
door, which still blocks the entrance to the main shrine. She
can hear shouting, however, through the door]
Ukyou: Time to circle around, I guess.
*************
[We see Hitomi, Ranma, and Akane beleagured by the assault of
22 bat-monks and one angry dwarf with an axe. The trio is
standing on top of the giant pinballs that now fill one of the
pools, kicking, punching, and brooming any monks that get too
close. The balls are hard to climb up, and so only a few can
come at a time, which is why they haven't overrun our hero and
heroines yet.]
Hitomi: [swats away another monk] This is starting to bore
me.
Ranma: [axekicks another monk] Feel free to surrender to them.
I'm sure they could use the practice with the 101 tortures.
Hitomi: Actually, this is kinda exciting.
Akane: [hefts and throws one monk into two more, who fall into
the hot water pool and yelp loudly] Well, it could be worse.
Ranma: Don't say it. [leaps onto the shoulders of a monk and
noogies him until he collapses, then leaps back to the top of the
ball]
Akane: The demons could show up.
[The remaining stone doors rupture and demons pour into the
room.]
Akane: Happousai could show up.
[Two seconds later, with a great rumbling, a huge arced piece
of stone breaks through one wall and ruptures. Onna-Happousai
leaps out of the hole in the arced piece of stone, followed by an
army of demons. She runs towards Ranma, Akane, and Hitomi]
Onna-Happousai: SAVE ME!!!!!
Akane: We could...[Hitomi muffles her]
Ranma: We could be quiet and not tempt fate.
Monk #3: Hmm. Is that the person the demons are after?
[We see all the armies of demons closing in on Happousai as he
closes in on Ranma]
Ranma: Yes.
Monk #7: I say we all just get out of the way and let them
settle this among themselves.
Hitomi: Amen!
Onna-Happousai: [points at Ranma] Happousai! Save me! You
said you'd marry me!
[The demons all turn and look at Ranma]
Ranma: I am NOT Happousai! I'm Ranma Saotome! She's
Happousai!
Onna-Happousai: [runs closer to Ranma] Don't lie, Darling! You
should be proud!
Demon #2345: Hmm. Everyone knows Ranma Saotome is a
notorious sex-changing pervert. Easy to test your claim.
Ranma: I am NOT a pervert!
Demon #2345: Then you are Happousai.
Ranma: No!
Onna-Happousai: [runs forward and glomps onto Ranma] But,
Happy-chan, why are you denying who you are?
Ranma: I'm gonna KILL you, old man.
Demon #2345: Easy to test this. [gestures and half the
contents of the cold water pool fly across the room, dousing
Ranma, Akane, Hitomi, and Onna-Happousai. No one changes sex]
Ah, you don't change sex, therefore, YOU ARE HAPPOUSAI!
Akane: ...
Ranma: DAMN YOU, HAPPOUSAI!
Demon #236: Sad to see a man curse himself, but we're glad to
oblige.
[The army of demons closes in on Ranma. He runs, but Onna-
Happousai clinging to him slows him down. He and his friends
only get as far as the big table in the middle of the room before
the demons close in from all sides. Onna-Happousai stops
clinging and starts fighting. The monks go down under the
stream of demons, although they take out a fair number. Only
the crowded quarters around the table keep the demons from
immediately pulling them all down.]
Hitomi: [knocks three demons off one of the walkways into the
cold water pool, where it dies, since it was a fire demon] We
can't keep this up forever.
Ranma: [pokes a demon in the eyes, and shoves it down after
the ones Hitomi hit] We can take them.
Onna-Happousai: [flipping demons everywhere with her pipe]
Your foolish confidence in the face of certain doom is
refreshing. Foolish, but refreshing.
Ranma: Why are you fighting if you think you're going to die?
Onna-Happousai: There is something in the human spirit that
refuses to give up, even when the odds are great against it.
Something which says, never say die. [Everyone looks inspired]
Plus, I'm hoping they'll take you and leave me.
[They all turn and punt Onna-Happousai into the sea of demons
in unison]
Hitomi: I don't suppose there's any chance the cavalry will
arrive?
Akane: Not unless that flying giant reindeer shows up.
[The ceiling cracks open, and a giant reindeer head sticks in
through the hole. It looks at Ranma expectantly.]
Ranma: ...
Demons: ...
Hitomi: Akane, try saying, 'At least all the demons haven't all
vanished back to Hell, never to return.'
Akane: At least all the demons haven't all vanished back to
Hell, never to return.
[The demons continue their onslaught, and our hero and heroines
keep fighting]
Hitomi: I guess you can only prophesy doom, then.
Akane: Maybe Ukyou will show up.
Hitomi: We already proved that won't work.
[Ukyou comes galloping in, riding on the back of a brown
charger. She is barely staying in the saddle as it gallops full
tilt towards the demon hordes]
Ukyou: I wouldn't have taken this thing when I found it roaming
around if I knew it couldn't be stopped! WHOA! [hothing
happens]
[She crashes right through the horde, sending demons falling
into the hot and cold water pools]
Hitomi: Maybe it doesn't speak Japanese.
Ukyou: I tried English.
Monk #5: It's a Spanish Charger. You have to use Spanish.
Ukyou: Yo Quiero Taco Bell! [The horse ignores her, and leaps
up onto the table. Ukyou scoops up Ranma as she goes by, and
Akane and Hitomi leap on as well. Onna-Happousai gets dragged
along. The horse leaps from head to head, running on top of the
demon horde]
Demons: AAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!! [many get trampled]
Ukyou: Cool! I wonder why they used that in an ad if it means
'trample those demons'.
Ranma: American ads are weird.
[The horse, now overloaded, quietly collapses]
Hitomi: Urk.
[A sea of demons rises up to attack, and then...]
Voice: [from one of the entrances] Excuse me, can you tell me
where I am?
[Everyone turns and looks. It is Shinnosuke, who is covered
with dirt and looks tired]
Hitomi: Shinnosuke!
Shinnosuke: [blinks] I'm at Shinnosuke? I thought I AM
Shinnosuke.
Akane: We...we thought you died!
Shinnosuke: [blinks] Akane, what are you doing here? [looks
around] Did I already ask where I am?
Hitomi: Help, these demons are trying to kill us!
Shinnosuke: [frowns] Okay, you demons, you'd better go home,
or you're going to get hurt!
Demon #246: And why should we be scared of you?
Shinnosuke: Compared to the giant platypuses and multiple
headed dragons that live next door to my house, you look pretty
pathetic.
Demon #246: KILL HIM! [One of the armies of demons rushes
Shinnosuke, who begins to broom a swathe through them,
seeming invulnerable to their blows]
Akane: [looks at Shinnosuke, thinking] He seems invulnerable
too, but Ranma and Hitomi aren't...Why?
Onna-Happousai: [shakes his head] Sooner or later, they'll
figure out they can drown him.
Akane: What?
Onna-Happousai: Looks like the boy bathed in the Styx. It
makes you mostly invulnerable to blows, fire, and the like, but
you can still drown or asphyxiate. [cracks his knuckles] We're
going to have to take action.
Akane: [gets ready to attack the demons] Right.
Onna-Happousai: Run while he buys us time! [starts to run, but
Hitomi catches her]
Hitomi: I have a better idea.
Onna-Happousai: Better than running away?
Hitomi: [tosses Onna-Happousai to Akane, then gets into a
'batting position'] Pitch for me.
Akane: [grins and throws Onna-Happouai. Hitomi bats him into
the middle of the horde] Home run!
Ranma: [sighs] He's right. We can't beat them all.
Ukyou: We have to fight, then.
Ranma: [looks over at one of the pools, shudders, and then
sprints forward] Not necessarily.
Akane: Ranma, don't run off on us!
[Ranma leaps and cannonballs into the gender-reversal curse
causing pool, then bobs to the surface, female once again.]
Ranma-chan: I told you people I'm not Happousai!
Demon #245: You're right. Happousai doesn't change sex when
wet. Then where is Happousai?
Onna-Happousai: [points at Dworkin the Dwarf] He is! See, you
can recognize his moustache!
Dworkin: HEY!
[The demons chase him off down one of the tunnels out of sight.
Silence descends.]
Onna-Happousai: Well, that settles that.
Monk #2: I don't think so.
Monk #5: It's YOUR fault these demons came here, Happousai.
Onna-Happousai: I am NOT Happousai.
Huge Booming Voice: Yes, you ARE.
[Everyone turns and looks. The Angry Buddha has arrived. He is
fifty feet tall, heavily muscled, and carrying an M-16 with two
prayer strips hanging from the barrel]
Angry Buddha: And you're going to fix ALL the damage.
Onna-Happousai: I don't suppose you'd let me go?
Angry Buddha: NO.
Onna-Happousai: Would you...do it for an Eskimo pie?
Angry Buddha: I'm not a cannibal.
Onna-Happousai: ...
**************
[We see our gang riding the supersonic reindeer. Happousai,
Onna or not, is not with them]
Hitomi: I can't believe we're crazy enough to ride this thing
again.
Ranma: You wanna walk from Tibet to Japan?
Akane: Not much choice since the boat went back to Prince
Kirin's Castle.
Hitomi: So are you two gonna still hate each other or did you
finish that?
[Ranma and Akane look embarrasedly at each other]
Shinnosuke: Don't be rude. They could push you to your death,
you know.
Hitomi: ...
Akane: Ranma and I have to have a BIG talk when we get home.
[Ranma looks so unthrilled, that words can hardly describe his
lack of enthusiasm]
************
[We see Ryouga, Nabiki, Ken and Ryoko Hibiki in a plane]
Ken: [grabs a passing flight attendant] Excuse me, Miss.
Flight Attendant: Ms.
Ken: No, I'm a Mr.
[They both stare blankly at each other for a moment]
Ken: Why is our landing being delayed?
Flight Attendant: There's a giant reindeer buzzing the tower.
Ken: Never mind. I shouldn't have asked.
************
[We see Genma sitting at the dinner table in the Saotome family
living room. Grandma Tanuki (Nodoka's Mother) is seated at the
table, staring across it at Genma in silence. He is seated next
to a plate that is mostly empty except for a few bits of food,
and a small pile of peas. His arms are crossed over his chest as
he stares at her. They sit in silence for a long time, and
finally, an exhausted Ranma straggles in through one door.]
Ranma: [yawns] Hi, Dad. Having a staring contest?
Grandma Tanuki: He isn't leaving this table until he cleans his
plate.
Ranma: [boggles] Since when did Pop ever not eat everything he
could get his hands on?
Genma: It's the principle of the thing.
Grandma Tanuki: There's children starving in Africa, you know.
Genma: Then give them these peas.
Ranma: [sighs] I'm going to bed. See you in the morning, Pop.
Genma: Good night, Ranma.
Grandma Tanuki: That's Ranma? My grandson?
Ranma: Who are you, anyway?
Grandma Tanuki: [stands up and stares at Ranma, then sighs]
So unkempt, just like your father. I'm your mother's mother,
Kyoko Tanuki. Your grandmother.
Ranma: [boggles] But Pop said you and Grandpa Tanuki were
dead!
[She frowns at Genma]
Genma: I said that if I was lucky, they were dead.
[She picks him up and punts him out the window]
Genma: [as he shoots out of sight] Hah! I didn't have to stay at
the table until I finished! I WIN!
Ranma: ...
*************
[End Chapter 11]
John Walter Biles : MA-History, Ph.D Wannabe at U. Kansas
ranma@falcon.cc.ukans.edu
rhea@tass.org http://www.tass.org/~rhea/falcon.html
rhea@maison-otaku.net http://www.maison-otaku.net/~rhea/
"Life's like a movie; write your own ending"--Kermit the Frog, 'The Muppet
Movie'