I'd say you're a great deal stronger in the artistic sense than you are 
in the craftsmanship end of writing.  You've still got many sentence 
fragments in your descriptive passages, and abrupt changes in tense 
within your paragraphs.  I'm prepared to go through the whole thing and 
identify all the errors I spot.  Before I do, though, I have a few  
questions to ask.

Thanks, you're right. I really feel that I'm much better in conjuring up 
a good story than actually writing one. I guess it comes from having 
English as a second language, but I guess its not much of an excuse to 
hide behind. I admit, one of the main reason's i subcribed to the list 
was to improve my writing and speech.

1.  Do you want me to?

yes, and anyone else who is willing to go out of their way to help 
anyone out. 

2.  Do you want to keep your sentence fragments to create a specific 
effect?  If so, I won't mention them, although I don't much like the 
effect myself. 

Too tell you the truth, I wrote it down as how I would have actually 
said them. I voice out my lines and write them. And if they sounded 
right to my ears I keep them as the way it is. I guess that method 
doesn't work here. ^_^

3.  What tense did you intend to write your story in?  While the 
sentence fragments could be a legitimate stylistic choice, shifting 
tenses in the course of a single sentence or paragraph isn't, really.
However, I'm having trouble determining which tense you intended.

I really have no idea. I guess thats the problem when your trying to 
tell a story vocally, like how you'd tell a story to a group of friends 
around  a camp fire. That was kinda the effect I wanted to tell. 

4.  Would you prefer a private detailed commentary?  

If it helps anyone other than myself I'd rather have it posted publicly 
as to help anyone else with similar problems.

I'm writing this publicly to get one important message out to everyone 
else writing:  

Pick a tense for your story and stick to it, unless you are doing 
something like a flashback, dream, or shifting from narration to 
character monologue.  Tense confusion is the bane of many otherwise 

good 

writers.

A great advice, I'm willing to take. Wish though I'd heard it before, 
then. ^_^

Sincerely

Kahlil Noriega

Author of the fic "Ranma 1/2 A Chinese Ghost Story"

" Frost fills the sky over Ten Mile Lake,
  Silken threads anxious of youth....
  Looking at the moon and feeling lonely...
  Envious of lovers, not of immortality.
  Envious of love, not of immortality. " 

        - Excerpt from the movie " A Chinese Ghost Story "

The anything goes Ranma 1/2 Fanfiction page:
http://www.geocities.com/tokyo/temple/9371

E-Mail:
becknkal@addax.bc.ca




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