Redneck Gaijin wrote:

        TITLE: Fragile Clay v. 1
        AUTHOR: Story-Weaver
        SERIES: Ranma 1/2

       (a) Technical: 3

      Not bad, but there are some spelling and capitalization flaws you need
to proofread and fix.

        I do tend to have a problem with two major things.  1. Capitalization,
it is one of my many bad habits.  2. Constant over-use of the "....." multiple
periods.  Spelling is usually up to par, but I admit I probably missed some
things in it, being as large as it is.

        (b) Continuity: 0

        This score started out as a 4 and went rapidly South from there.

        For one thing, this story has more than its share of stereotypes-
nopt surprising in a Ranma fic, but there nontheless. You really need to be
careful not to let the characters slide into the -fanfic-only- stereotypes
(Akane always uses a hyperdimensional mallet, for example) when writing R
1/2 fics.

        Of course... this story is written for both the people who KNOW ranma
1/2, and the people who've never even heard of it.  As for the mallet
subject..... well.... I do believe it comes from somewhere, and Akane can't
really hide it anywhere.  Yes, I have stereotypes, and... no offense to you, but
I like the stereotypical.  People are familiar with it.

        As for Hiroshi and Daisuke, these were virtually anime-only
characters. Such appearances as they might have had in the manga were simply
as 'representative normal schoolkids.' Takahashi had little or nothing to do
with their anime versions.

        True, and my foreword <It is not an author's note, it is a foreword>
stated that I was going to take liberties with Hiroshi and Daisuke.  I
originally expected it to be a one shot fic, but I ended up getting ideas.

        As far as anybody knows, the Jyusenkyou change is instant- at
longest, about a second.

        I am unsure how this relates.... but I do know that if I mentioned the
change in some slow sort of sequence, I was over-dramatizing to produce mental
pictures.  If you can't draw a picture in the reader's head, you might as well
forget writing.

        Ranma's Dragon's Hair curse was cured before end of manga, and only
affected Ranma in male form anyway

        Yes, I am aware of this.... but I was not aware of the "CURED" status
until later on.  It was by fault of my own that I was unaware of this fact.

        Akane knows very well about the circumstances of Ranma's upbringing
by the end of the manga. In fact, she learned about it the same time Ranma
did- in Nodoka's first appearance. Furthermore, Ranma has little or no
memory of the occasion.

        Of course Akane knows about the facts of his life, but she doesn't
fathom the emotions of those moments.. she teased him about Shampoo, and didn't
really understand what the neko-ken means.  As far as I know, that is.  As for
Ranma's memory.... well, some things are suddenly triggered for no reasons
whatsoever, just something happens, and suddenly a memory surfaces.

        Finally, Cologne has shown no real malice towards Mousse.
Disrespect, yes, but no more so than she shows anybody else. Her main
objection to his marrying Shampoo is Shampoo's rejection of his proposal
back when they were three years old.

        I must admit, in that first one she SURE DOES seem malicious, don't
she??? I won't contend the point.

        (c) Storytelling: 4

        This story wanders more than Ryouga.

        There is next to no pacing, no consistent buildup of conflict (not
even a consistent conflict) from beginning to end. Long, long, long
stretches of philosophical discussion and introspection tend to put readers
to sleep; those discussions really, REALLY need to be pruned back.

        That's the concept of my style, introspection.  The further stories have
a lot of it as well, it's a marking factor for my style.

        You go off the deep end in your effort to establish Daisuke and
Hiroshi as major characters. They literally steal the stage, giving the
usual lead characters short shrift. This story is about Ranma, and -maybe-
Hiroshi; all the other characters should have a more minor role. Tone down
your references to Hiroshi and Daisuke's unique characteristics, and go over
to Spoof Chase productions and read 'Hiroshi and Daisuke are Dead' if you
haven't already.

        Ahh, but that isn't LIFE!!! in Life, people are doing things constantly
that the main characters know nothing about!!! Daisuke will have a story
dedicated to him in the future, and this is all setup exposition.

        The scene changes do nothing to describe the new setting. You do a
better than average job of describing things in most places, but you
deliberately drop the ball in these.

        Hmmm.... I must admit, I may have been lax in this respect.  Although
sometimes I tend to forget....

        Finally, Ranma and Hiroshi's attraction, Ranma's gradual favoring of
the girl-form- these are not adequately supported by events and internal
motivations. What has changed Ranma's mind? -Has- Ranma's mind changed?
These things need far, far more development than they have been given to be
plausible, especially given the fact that Ranma's second greatest fear is
the loss of his masculinity.

        Ah-huh... *nods* As per se, this is the 1st story in a 20  story planned
series.  The set up story, the "Defining" episode, so to speak..... ^_^

         (d) Presentation: 3

        In general, the format of the web-based story is okay, but the
author's note really needs to be moved to the end, and the poem's layout is
INCREDIBLY annoying.

        It may seem an author's note, since there are thanks in it, but it also
explains a thing or two about the story before you read it... such as it's a
hiroshi/daisuke fic and all.  The poem is at the beginning for EXPRESS purpose,
in that it applies to the story repeatedly, not just once, not just twice, but
for every episode the story goes through.  It also applies to every character,
and most of the events.....

        (e) Bonus Points: 2

        This is the first time I've seen a Ranma-chan - Hiroshi pairup.

        Not the first Time I have, but they are obscure..... *Nods* The point
is, they have to be done WELL... the one I read was a lemon, mine isn't... it's
an introspective look at the psychology of the characters, their surroundings,
inherant fears and flaws...... It might seem a bit trite and boring to you, I
must admit, and you are entitled to that.  *Nods* Yet there are some people out
there that enjoy this sort of thing.

--
Sincerely....
Shimitsu Kaoru.
Lost "Dragon-Boy"
of Shimitsu-Ryuu.
Prince of Chaos.
"What makes a curse is simply the view, a blessing to some is a curse unto you,
But acceptance can conquer that fear you hold high, through acceptance comes
peace..... are you willing to try?"
   -Quote from Kaoru Shimitsu.
My Homepage at!
http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Garden/4534