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ANIME DEATH MATCH
Inspired by MTV's Celebrity Death Match.
WARNING: Gratuitous Language and Extreme Violence will be depicted.
Don't watch if it makes you queasy.
===================================
[Scene: Two people sitting in a titanium tower overlooking a
ring. Thousands of fans are cheering or booing. The roar is continous,
though. We look to the two in the tower.]
?????: Welcome to Anime Death Match. I'm ????? Diamond.
A-kun: And I'm A-kun Daniels. ?????, tonight's Anime Death Match
promises to be a big one. We've got Ranma Saotome vs. Terri Bogard
fighting for the "Most Powerful Martial Artist Ever" title, we've got
Xian Pu (aka. Shampoo) vs. Mai Shiranui fighting for the "Grand Buxom
Beauty" title, and we've got the Sailor Scouts vs. the Sailor Senshi
fighting for the "Better Name" title.
?????: Don't forget our main match for tonight, demanded by the FFML,
Dr. Thinker vs. Oscar who are fighting for the "Worst Author Ever"
title.
A-kun: Tonight promises to be a brutal set of battles as each of our
fighters are being annoyed by Mihoshi or Azusa Shiratori to help their
battle lust.
?????: Yes, but many of the people watching at home don't know the
stories behind these matches, so why don't we fill them in?
A-kun: All right, ?????. Ranma and Terri's feud goes back for years
when they were going out for auditions. Ranma beat out Terri and got
the Ranma 1/2 deal. Terri, a few years later, beat out Ranma for the
Fatal Fury slot. They've been at it ever since. This is going to be
more brutal than even a Ranma/Ryouga dark fic!
?????: Xian Pu and Mai's feud goes back to a christmas party three years
back. Mai bragged that she was "Perkier and with her dual suspension
Ninja Girl skills, was bustier than Xian Pu". Well, Xian Pu's been
aching to show Mai a thing or eight.
A-kun: As for the Sailor Scouts and the Sailor Senshi? The Scouts have
been pissed ever since DIC stopped the dubbing, and the Senshi have been
pissed since the Scouts made their appearance in the U.S. on TV before
the Manga. Then, Chibi-Usa had to make fun of Reenie. An arguement
over the 'canon' names vs. the 'dub' names broke out and well, they just
never got over it.
?????: Oscar and Dr. Thinker have both Sailor Moon characters, so we
thought it'd be damn funny to have them fight.
A-kun: Let's go to Kodachi Kuno, who is interviewing our first
combatants.
=======
[Scene: Kodachi in a locker room with Terri Bogard. Behind
Terri is Andy Bogard and Joe Hagashi. Mai is off getting ready for her
own fight.]
Kodachi: Thank you, A-kun. Now, Terri. Do you have anything to tell
your fans?
Terri: Um, not really, except maybe 'Thanks'.
Kodachi: Okay, thanks Terri. I know you have to get ready for your
fight, so it's back to you A-kun and ?????.
=======
[Scene: A-kun and ????? watch the monitor where Kodachi's image
is being displayed.]
?????: A-kun, is it a good idea to have Kodachi doing the interviews?
A-kun: Oh, she's harmless. Besides, ever since the Fatal Fury movie,
Terri's been working up his immunity to poisons, just in case it wasn't
a precise ki attack that did him in.
?????: If you say so. So, who's interviewing Ranma?
A-kun: [blinking] Huh. I guess I forgot to assign someone to do that...
?????: Good grief. Anyway, our combatants are entering the ring now.
=======
[Scene: cut to the ring. It's a standard ring with four posts,
made of Author-grade Titanium, and three ropes which encircle the entire
ring. Ranma leaps in and listens to the claps and cheers with an
occasional boo. Terri enters and hears the same.]
?????'s VO: And now, Referee Setsuna Meiou is explaining the rules to
both fighters.
Setsuna: [as the two fighters meet near the middle of the ring] I don't
wanna to see any Author-given powers, I don't wanna see any
specially-redesigned-for-the-movie powers. I want a good clean fight.
Now, let's get it on! [retreats to a neutral corner]
[Ranma and Terri leap at each other, launching punches and kick
at a tremendous rate. Both go flying back to their corners, dazed.
They blink in unison, amazed that they both have the same speed and
strength.]
A-kun's VO: AMAZING! They both have the same strength and speed! Well,
I guess since both have successfully defeated immortal beings, they're
equally powered.
?????'s VO: Indeed, A-kun, this is going to be a long fight.
Terri: [foming hot ki] SEN-PU-KEN!
Ranma: [forming cold ki] HIRYU SHOTEN HA!
A-kun's VO: Looks like both are going to pull out their big guns.
[Both form whirlwinds that collide and battle for dominance.
Suddenly, both whirlwinds stop and examine each other. Then, they whirl
off together. Terri and Ranma stare after the whirlwinds. The
whirlwinds go off to star in an episode of El Harzard, the TV series.]
?????'s VO: An INCREDIBLE display of.... something. Both whirlwinds
seem to have fallen in love with each other.
A-kun's VO: Rather stupid, I'd say.
Ranma: THAT'S IT! [grabs a bucket and splashes himself.]
Ranma-chan: [pulling her shirt open] TAKE A LOOK AT THESE!
Terri: HA! Watch this! [grabs a bucket and splashes himself]
[We cut back to the tower where both A-kun and ????? sit, jaws
agape.]
[We cut back to the ring.]
Terri-chan: [pulling her shirt open] LOOK AT THESE!
Ranma-chan: Pretty nice.
Terri-chan: Thanks, yours aren't bad either.
Both: [realizing what they're saying] GYAAAAH!!
[They close their shirts, grab kettles of hot water and splashes
themselves to revert to their male forms.]
?????'s VO: I didn't know Terri had the curse as well!
A-kun's VO: Neither did I.
?????'s VO: [recovering from her shocked state] Just goes to show that
you just never know what to expect here on Anime Death Match.
A-kun's VO: No $#!+!
[Both begin powering up for their final attacks. Suddenly, four
figures leap into the ring and tackle the fighters.]
Ranma and Terri: HUH?!
A-kun's VO: HEY! Who are they?!
?????'s VO: OH MY MEGAMI-SAMA! It's Ryouga Hibiki, Mu Tsu (aka.
Mousse), Andy Bogard and Joe Hagashi!
Ryouga and Mu Tsu: You always had to show us up, didn't you! Well, now
we've got the advantage! We've trained in secret for the entire series
to defeat you!
Andy and Joe: This is for showing us up for three videos!
[Ryouga, Mu Tsu, Andy and Joe proceed to pound the crud out of
Ranma and Terri.]
A-kun's VO: What a turn of events! The co-stars of Ranma 1/2 and Fatal
Fury getting back at the overshadowing stars that dominated the screen
for so long.
[Two figures leap into the ring.]
Rumiko Takahashi: Time to kick ass, wouldn't you say, Masami?
Masami Obari: Hell yeah!
[We cut to the tower where A-kun and ?????'s jaws are resting
against the top of the table.]
[We cut back to the ring where Rumiko and Masami have finished
kicking the crud out of Joe, Andy, Ryouga and Mu Tsu.]
Rumiko and Masami: That'll teach ya.
=========== ==============
=========== Later ==============
=========== ==============
[We cut to the locker room where Rumiko, Ranma, Masami and Terri
are sitting. Kodachi is standing next to them.]
Kodachi: Masami, Rumiko-sama, why did you step in?
Masami: We needed to kick ass.
Rumiko: Maybe we should make this into a hobby.
Kodachi: Well, you heard it here, folks.
=======
[Scene: The Tower. A-kun and ????? are discussing the fight.]
A-kun: ....then, *BAM*, Ryouga, Mu Tsu, Andy and Joe are on the ground.
?????: An incredible fight with such AMAZING turns of events.
A-kun: Next up is Mai Shiranui vs. Xian Pu.
?????: Now, let's compare the two combatants.
Xian Pu:
- Cute
- Bubble-headed
- Amazon Descent
- 14 to 16, so plenty of room for improvement
- Bust size argued over by thousands, ranging from a high B-cup to a
double D-cup.
Mai Shiranui:
- Sexy
- Cute at times
- 17 to 19, so plenty of room to train to become even more powerful
- No Air in her head, but her Pride and Ego might count, depending on
how you think of her
- Possible Kunoichi Descent
- Bust size argued over by thousands, ranging from a D-cup to the
legendary Tharz-cup.
A-kun: I believe that Xian Pu may have to pull out a few stops to win
this fight. After all, Mai can and has been the equal of Andy Bogard,
who, despite being in bandages, is here to support his fiancee.
?????: When did THAT happen?
A-kun: When no one was looking.
?????: Ah. Looks like both combatants are entering the ring now.
=======
[Scene: We cut to the ring. Mai leaps in and is greeted by
thousands of drooling fan boys making cat calls, whistles and cheers.
Xian Pu enters the ring and is greeted by thousands of drooling fan boys
making cat calls, whistles and jeers. A few smart-ass authors start
waving catnip at Xian Pu and receive bonbori to their faces.]
?????'s VO: Referee Setsuna Meiou is explaining the rules to both the
combatants.
Setsuna: [as both fighters meet near the center of the ring] I don't
wanna see any stupid secret Amazon or Ninja tricks; no interference from
your boyfriends, relatives, fellow villagers or senseis. I wanna good
clean fight. Now let's get it on! [backs off into a neutral corner]
[Xian Pu pulls her bonbori.]
A-kun's VO: And Xian Pu pulls her bonbori out early. Looks like she
wants to get this over with.
[Mai pulls her fans and launches them at Xian Pu. Xian Pu
blocks the fans with her bonbori, but they cleave through the wooden
handles. Xian Pu manages to dodge in time to avoid being hacked to bits
or decapitated.]
?????'s VO: Close shave by Xian Pu.
[Getting mad, Xian Pu charges Mai. Mai spins around and lets
Xian Pu have it with a spinning round-house. Xian Pu flys back against
the ropes and growls.]
A-kun's VO: It doesn't look good for Xian Pu.
?????'s VO: No sir. Xian Pu must have been sitting on her duff,
thinking that her Amazon heirtage would be enough to beat Mai. Xian's
going to have to do something desperate to beat Mai now.
[She whistles and suddenly, hundreds of Amazon women appear and
leap into the ring.]
A-kun's VO: The Amazon tribe, despite Setsuna's warning, has entered the
ring. How is Mai going to beat THIS many opponents?
[Mai, undaunted, whistles. Thousands of drooling fan boys leap
into the ring and drag the Amazons out.]
?????'s VO: Well, that's one way.
[Mai grabs a bucket of cold water and splashes Xian Pu, who
turns into Xian Pu-Neko. Mai picks up the cat, breaks it's neck and
tosses it to Kasumi Tendo, who makes her specialty, Cat Chops. Andy and
Mai munch happily on the delicious cat chops.]
A-kun's VO: Ooooh, Xian Pu's great-grandmother is gonna be pissed!
Cologne: Are you kidding? I'm glad that moron's dead. Now, if only I
could figure out a clever way to get Son-in-law for myself....
[Everyone in the auditorium shivers involuntarily and vomits
into handy air-sickness bags.]
=======
[Scene: Back at the Tower. ????? and A-kun are finishing the
recap of the fight.]
?????: .....then, Mai pulls out a bucket and splashes Xian Pu. It's all
over for Xian Pu as Kasumi shaves her and makes her into kitty food.
A-kun: [chuckling] Good moves by Mai. [normal] Now, onto our next
match, the Scouts vs. the Senshi!
?????: Let's compare the teams:
Senshi:
- Can and HAVE slapped each other
- Can and HAVE kicked and punched villians
- They say their lines and that's it
- Are far more competent as they've actually finished the series
A-kun: We should note that the Senshi have been limited to the 'Star
Power' level.
Scouts:
- Can slap each other, but DIC won't show it
- Serena is the only one to be shown kicking or punching villians,
though occasionally Lita will be shown too
- They tend to stretch out attack names
- Are less competent since they never got to finish the R series.
?????: Another weakness of the scouts is that they're demoralized by
what DIC did to their characters.
=======
[Scene: We cut to the ring. Both the Inner Senshi (pls Tuxedo
Kamen and Chibi-Usa) and the Sailor Scouts (Plus Tuxedo Mask and Reenie)
are awaiting their chance to beat the crud out of each other.]
?????'s VO: Referee Setsuna Meiou is telling the girls the rules now.
Setsuna: [as the two team leaders, Usagi and Serena, meet near the
middle] Okay, I don't wanna any whining out of ANY of you, I don't
wanna see either of you invoking your past or future incarnations and I
don't wanna see any long-winded speeches or I'll tip the scales against
that team. I wanna good clean fight and I don't give a DAMN what you
really, really want! Now, let's get it on! [leaps into the rafters for
safety with the FX of Lee Majors (aka. the Bionic Man)]
Usagi Tsukino: MOON CRYSTAL POWER, MAKE UP!
Rei Hino: MARS STAR POWER, MAKE UP!
Ami Mizuno: MERCURY STAR POWER, MAKE UP!
Makoto Kino: JUPITER STAR POWER, MAKE UP!
Minako Aino: VENUS STAR POWER, MAKE UP!
Serena: Mooooooonnnn Crrrryyyysstaaaalllllll Priiissmmmm
Trrraannsssfoorrrrmiiinnnnngggg POWERRRRRR!! AND MAKE IT WORK THIS
TIME!!
Raye: Maaaaaarrrrrssss Sssttiiiirrrrriiiiinnnggg... uh, I mean
ssssstaaaarrrrrrr POWERRRRRR!!!
Amy Anderson: Mercurrryyyyy Sssaaaaatuuuurrrrrrrnnnn, uh, I mean
sssssstaaaaarrrrr POWERRRRRR!!!
Lita: Juuuuupittterrrrrrrr Sssstaaaarrrrrrr TOILET WATER, ooops, sorry,
POWERRRRRRRRRRRRRerererererereerr!!!
Mina: Peeennni.... ooops, too much time with Hosmer. Veeeeennuuuusssss
Ssssttaaaaarrrrrr POWERRRRRRRRRR!!!
A-kun's VO: What the @#%$ was that?!
?????'s VO: I guess the scouts almost forgot their transformation words.
After all, happened all the time in the dubbed version.
A-kun's VO: Will you stop it? You'll incite another 'Dubbed vs.
Subtitled' flame war!
[The light show begins as all the scouts and senshi transform.
Everyone who's interested in girls begins drooling, A-kun and ?????
included.]
Usa-Moon: If these guys take this long doing EVERYTHING, this fight'll
be a snap.
Ser-Moon: THAT'S IT! MOOOOONNNN SSSSCEEEPTEEEERRRR
EEEELIIIIMIIINAAATION!!!
Usa-Moon: MOON PRINCESS HALATION!
[The two blasts collide and cause a massive explosion. Ser-Moon
and Usa-Moon are a little singed, but otherwise, everyone is fine.]
A-kun's VO: Looks like their powers negated each other.
?????'s VO: It looks like both teams are going to have to fight in
hand-to-hand combat.
[Ser-Moon and Usa-Moon leap at each other as do Rei-Mars and
Raye-Mars. Minako-Venus fires Crescent Beams at Mina-Venus, who keeps
jumping up and down to dodge. Makoto-Jupiter and Lita-Jupiter are in a
punching match. Ami-Mercury and Amy-Mercury have hooked up their
computers and are virusing each other while counteracting the other's
virus. Reenie and Chibi-Usa are in a cat fight. Tuxedo Mask and Tuxedo
Kamen are in a full-scale rose/cane fight.]
?????'s VO: This could go on all night.
A-kun's VO: Not really. If you'll notice, the Senshi aren't getting as
tired as the Scouts and that's because the Senshi have had more
experience with their powers. The Scouts have also been sitting on
their duffs for a bit. Looks like the Senshi are going to win, slowly
but surely.
[To help Ser-Moon, who is getting her butt kicked, Scout-Luna
leapt at Usa-Moon, but Senshi-Luna knocks her to the ground.
Scout-Artemis tries to help Scout-Luna, but a VERY pissed Senshi-Artemis
ambushes him. Lita-Jupiter finally collapses from Makoto-Jupiter's
punches and kicks. Makoto-Jupiter falls to her knees and wipes her
bloody lip, but smiles and blasts the crap out of Lita-Jupiter.
Mina-Venus falls dead as Minako-Venus pierces her head with a Crescent
Beam. Ami-Mercury successfully viruses and crashes Amy-Mercury's
computer, who starts crying before Ami-Mercury breaks her neck.
Rei-Mars chars Raye-Mars to dust. Senshi-Luna tears Scout-Luna's throat
out. Senshi-Artemis guts Scout-Artemis. Chibi-Usa claws Reenie's eyes
out. Tuxedo Kamen embeds his cane into Tuxedo Mask's head. Usa-Moon
powers up and blows Ser-Moon away, who was expecting a kick instead of a
Princess Halation.]
?????'s VO: Well, it looks like another one-sided fight has ended once
again, but we never figured it would be SO one-sided!
A-kun's VO: No $#!+.
=======
[Scene: The Tower, where A-kun and ????? are finishing the
re-cap.]
A-kun: ....and *BOOM*, Ser-Moon is done for.
?????: Another fantastically gory match ends. And now, for our final
match, Dr. Thinker vs. Oscar!
A-kun: Let's examine both combatants.
Oscar:
- Writes lemons about himself
- Involves Artemis from the Sailor Scouts and Felicia from Dark Stalkers
as his lovers
- Makes himself into a Saya-Jin, whatever the hell that is
- Gives himself gratuitious martial arts abilities to be able to match
Felicia.
?????: Brrrr! Gives me chills just thinking of cats, Sailor Scouts,
Dark Stalkers OR Dragon Ball Z. Next is Dr. Thinker.
Dr. Thinker:
- Writes incoherently
- Bad grammar
- Wouldn't know funny if it shot him in the forehead (TharzZzDunN
Attachment: With a eight ton ball of Ryo-ohki-Eva-05 crap)
- We aren't sure about anything he writes, so we can't extrapolate
anything about his avatar
?????: Looks like the combatants are entering the ring now. Special
Referee C-chan is telling them the rules now.
=======
C-chan: [as both Thinker and Oscar near the middle] I don't want to see
any computers, I don't want either of you to talk during this and I
don't want to see either of you butt-naked for Kami-sama's sake! That
goes triple for you, Oscar!! I want a good clean fight. Now, let's GET
IT ON! [leaps clear]
[Oscar transforms into his Saya-Jin form while Thinker pulls a
BFG. They go at it. Thinker fires numerous shots, forcing Oscar to
dodge out of the way. Oscar summons his powers and fires a few ki bolts
at Thinker, knocking the gun out of Thinker's hands. Oscar leaps at
Thinker, seeing his chance, but Thinker throws a few grenades at Oscar,
forcing the Saya-Jin to leap away or get killed by shrapnel. Suddenly,
Oscar dodges as a ki bolt flies past him. Oscar looks on in horror as
he realizes Thinker has transformed into a Saya-Jin as well. Both leap
at each other and begin strangling each other.]
?????'s VO: An INCREDIBLE battle thus far!
A-kun's VO: Yes, both authors, despite the fact that they both have
trouble with editing, grammar, spelling and punctuation, are incredibly
tough. Though, I believe Oscar is going to be in trouble unless- WHAT
THE HECK?!
[Suddenly, Oscar is knocked aside. Thinker, thinking that
someone is helping him, smiles until he's knocked aside too. Both
authors look at the center of the ring where one lone person stands.]
TharzZzDunN: [badly dubbed voice-over] HA! I'm going to kick your
butts! Try on this melon you bastard!
A-kun and ?????'s VO: TharzZzy?!!?
TharzZzDunN: [badly subtitled voice-over] I'm sick of these posers!
_I_'m the most incoherent author ever! What HO! Your kung-fu is like a
blossoming order of fries!
A-kun's VO: I thought you were just insane.
TharzZzDunN: Huh?
Huh?: WHAT IS IT?!?! YEESH! Everyone keeps saying my name, then they
never tell me what the heck they wanna ask me!
TharzZzDunN: A-kun! You're there! Rabid fizz-butt snotwad Bugle Boy
turkeys! [TharzZzDunN vanishes, causing everyone in the auditorium to
fart loudly]
Oscar: WAHT WAS THAT ALL ABOT?!?!?!?!
Thinker: Yeha! I tauhgt he no hvae can iterfur!
C-chan: What did I tell you two about talking?
[Both authors stand back up and get ready to fight again.
Suddenly, Thinker vanishes in a lot of sparkling lights and hearts and
is replaced by Moon Dust. Oscar looks over at Usa-Moon who lowers her
wand. He smiles, thinking that she's on his side.]
Oscar: Thank Serna!
Usa-Moon: Don't thank me, after all, they had dibs on you. [indicates
the other side of the auditorium]
[Oscar turns to look. Artemis and Felicia grin evilly as they
fire the Chicken Cannon at him. The Mystery Science Theater 3000 weapon
proves to be more than Oscar can handle and he's vaporized.]
A-kun's VO: OOOOOoooooh! That's gonna hurt! However, since Thinker
died first, Oscar is the WINNER! Especially since no one wants the
title.
?????'s VO: Indeed.
=======
[Scene: The Tower. Both ????? and A-kun have just finished
re-capping the match.]
A-kun: Well, that's all the time we have for today. On the NEXT Anime
Death Match, we've got Rei III vs. Akane Tendo fighting for the
"Greatest Bitch in the Universe", the Power Rangers vs the Sailor Senshi
trying for the "Cheesiest Lines Ever Said", Chris "God Boy" Angel vs.
Brett Handy competing for the "Best New Deity of the Year", and our
title match, John Walter Biles vs. Jang Choe battling for the "Right to
Use 'Bile' in Their Webpage Title".
?????: I'm ????? Diamond.
A-kun: And I'm A-kun Daniels, saying "Good Fight"-
?????: And "Good Night"!
============================================================================
Well, this is the first episode of Anime Death Match.
Send all Comments and Criticism to:
akun16@hotmail.com
No Flames.
Flames will be deleted without being read.
A-kun:
Ex-Flamer, now reformed
Worshipper of Ukyou Kuonji
Novice Paladin at the Church of the One True Ucchan
Drooling fanboy of Makoto Kino, Mai Shiranui, Linna Yamazaki,
Priss Asagari, Sylia Stingray, Tifa Lockheart, Nene Romanova, Kasumi
Tendo, Nodoka Saotome, Ifurita (OVA), and Ami Mizuno
?????:
Worshipper of Nabiki Tendo
Moderator for combat
And often takes up this expression: O_o
Or this one: o_O
Or this one: O_O
Or this one: X_X
Or sometimes even this: XP-|-<
TharzZzDunN:
No reliable information available, but we have some interesting
rumors
Rumor 1 - Really David Letterman.
Rumor 2 - Really REALLY David Letterman.
Rumor 3 - Licks Chickens.
Rumor 4 - Just Kidding.
Rumor 5 - Was Nabiki Tendo's plush toy Evangelion-Ryo-ohki.
Rumor 6 - Got lost for thirty years in the mountains of Kansas.
Rumor 7 - Was crowned Queen of Georgia.
Rumor 8 - Rumor 7 isn't a rumor.
Rumor 9 - Rumor 8 isn't a joke.
Rumor 10 - No, really, Rumor _9_ is true.
Rumor 11 - Was once caught in a bathtub having an affair with a
new squeak toy.
Rumor 12 - Found the 'Ark of the Covenant', traded it for some
shiny nukes.
Rumor 13 - There is no rumor 13, it's his lucky number :p
Beedah!
Rumor 14 - Here's one for the gipper!
Parlor 15....uh-oh! He's infected your computer! Quick, burn
it to death, then bury the ashes in a ball of Daka and seal it into a
Protoculture Plant!
Rumor 1.6 - Thinks Keener lacks imagination and string cheese.
"You haven't got the spray canisters to take me on, Keener! You can't
handle MY special chili sauce LCL! Hugs and Kisses - TharzZzy"
Rumor 17 - Likes giving 'Special' massages to
Rumor 18 - Rumor 17 almost got us sued.
Rumor 19 - Taking on cheese is a gouda way to get your butt
kicked.
Rumor 20 - That's just bad pun-ishment, A-kun.
Rumor 21 - We've secretly replaced The Eye of God with A-chan's
Porno collection on fire. Let's see if the people of El Hazard
notice.... Nah, they're not that smart. *TWHAMGF*
Rumor 22 - There is no Rumor 22. It's TharzZzy's unlucky
number.
Rumor 23 - We've also secretly replaced Shinji Ikari's LCL with
Folger's Crystals. Let's watch to see if he notices the difference....
"AAACCKK!! PHTOOOO! ACCKK! MISATO! ASUKA! REI! RITSUKO! SOMEONE'S
TRYING TO KILL ME BY MAKING ME DRINK LUKE WARM COFFEE!! With those cute
little marshmallows......Uh-oh.....Um, Misato, I gotta ask, are these
plug-suits equipped with an internal catheter?"
Until next time!
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