Hi All!

Well, it's been almost a year since I posted this for the first time, and
since Salmon season is about over here, it seemed like a good time to post
it again.

This also happens to be my only COMPLETED self insertion fic.  (My
salior-mooned spamfic doesn't count as a full fanfic). I freely admit part
of my motivation for a repost of this fic is a comment recently made about
only geeks doing self insertion.  I personally don't think there are any
geeks on the ffml (though there are definitely a few otaku.....*grin*), and
since I'm definitely not a "geek on a power trip" I submit this fic as my
rebuttal to the whole bloody thread.

Disclamier:  All fictional characters belong to R. Takahashi, Viz, Kitty
and a whole slew of others, with all real and implied rights therein.
Characters are used without permission and not for profit as that would
violate the first law of anime fanfiction.  All other characters are
actually real people, their names not even having been changed to protect
the guilty.  They are used with full permission and consent.

*********

[Japanese language conversation]
{Panda Signs}

Prologue

	It was a beautiful spring day in Nerima.   The sun was shining, the
air smelled sweet, and the few billowy clouds merely served to offset the
deep blue of the sky.

	At the Tendo Dojo, Soun Tendo and his friend Genma Saotome sat on
the porch playing a game of Shogi and enjoying the warm sunshine.  Soun's
daughter Kasumi sat not far from them, smiling as she mended a pile of
damaged red shirts.  Genma sighed and looked at the clock.

	"Well, Tendo, it seems our quiet time is about up.  School got out
about ten minutes ago.  The children should be along any time now."

	"Quite right Saotome," responded Soun as he stopped to listen to
something.  "I think I can hear Ranma coming now!"  Casually the two men
got up and walked behind the door into the dojo.

	Though quiet, a whistling sound could be heard.  As the moments
passed, the whistling got louder and louder.  A speck appeared high in the
sky, and it too began to grow.  Very soon, the speck became the figure of a
young man.  He was falling with his back towards the ground, arms and legs
akimbo.   He knew, just knew, where this flight was going to end, and
didn't want to watch.  With the speed and accuracy of an artillery shell,
he impacted exactly on the koi pond in the yard of the Tendo dojo.

	Soun and Genma came out from behind the door as soon as the
splashing noise retreated.  Their cushions and Shogi board were soaked,
proving their good sense in moving.  "I wonder what he did to upset Akane
this time?"  Genma asked.  Soun didn't bother to answer.  There was simply
no understanding why his youngest daughter and her fiancee had it in for
each other.

	At ground zero, a red haired girl crawled out of the pond.  The koi
also wished they could leave for a quieter place, but were unfortunately
stuck there.  After the nth time, they were used to the sudden appearance
of falling objects in their domain, and had taken to staying as far away
from the center of the pond as possible.

	"Well boy,"  shouted Genma as the girl started to walk past him.
"What did you do to Akane this time?  Why can't you just come out and admit
your true feelings?  Why can't you-"

	"Why can't you shut up, old man?!"  Exclaimed the red head as she
grabbed Genma by the shirt front and picked him up.  With a mighty heave
she threw him in the direction of the pond she had just left.  Another
splash, though a smaller one owing to the lower velocity of impact,
startled the poor koi yet again.

	The hulking figure of a panda stood up in the middle of the koi
pond.  It produced a sign:  {You must learn to control yourself better!!!}
However, the subject of the sign was lost on the girl as she hadn't
bothered to read it.

	"Oh, hi Ranma!"  Said Kasumi brightly.  "I have some mail for you."
She reached across her mending,  picked up a thick envelope and handed it
to Ranma.  "It came registered, so I had to sign for it.  I hope it's good
news!"

	"Thanks, Kasumi,"  mumbled Ranma in reply.  'I don't remember
anything that would be coming to me registered mail...I wonder what it is?'
Deciding to find out after getting some hot water and changing back to a
guy, Ranma trudged upstairs to his room for clean clothing.

A few minutes later

	Genma and Soun had resumed their game of Shogi, though Genma had
not bothered to change back to a man.  Kasumi had been joined by her
sisters Akane and Nabiki who were talking about how great it was that
school was over for the summer.  Suddenly, from upstairs came a shout of
joy.

	"YEEAAAAHHH!"  Screamed Ranma as he jumped down the stairs to the
floor below.  Three long strides later he was in the living room with his
father and the Tendos.

	"What is it Ranma?"  Asked Akane.  "What is all the yelling about?"

	"I just got this in the mail!"  He shouted, flashing an envelope.
"I, uh that is we have won a vacation!  A weeks food and lodging plus
airfare to and from Alaska for six people!  What do you think of that!"

Ranma 1/2 Goes Fishing

	I was getting ready to finish up my day at work when I met them.
Meeting tourists in Alaska for the first time is nothing new for me.  See,
I run the sporting goods department for a major west coast retailer here in
Soldotna, Alaska.  What startled me about these was the way I met them.

	I had just finished helping an older couple from Arizona get ready
to go to the Russian River after Sockeye Salmon.  I then heard a loud
conversation, well, actually argument , in Japanese.  I don't speak
Japanese myself, but on of my co-workers does.  "Uh, Gordon?  Can you
understand what they are saying?"  Though we couldn't see the people yet,
they were obviously heading in our direction.

	Gordon cocked his ear for a minute and listened.  "Well, it seems
to be a boy and a girl arguing about something....wait a minute, she just
called him an idiot and a pervert....he just called her a uncute
tomboy....oh, here they come around the corner."

	Just then, a crowd of six people came around the corner, led by the
teen-aged couple that was doing all the arguing.  There were also two grown
men and two good looking young women.

	[Listen Akane, let's quit arguing.  Pops,  Mr. Tendo and I want to
do a little fishing while we are here.  They say this is the where the
biggest salmon in the world come from.  You, Nabiki and Kasumi can go on a
tour or something!]

	[You listen Ranma!  Nabiki and Kasumi do want to go on a tour, but
I want to go fishing.  So just live with it!]

	"Um, can we help you folks?"  I asked as they came up before the
counter.  I didn't expect that I'd get an English response, but with Gordon
right there with me, I figured we could handle it.  I was quite surprised
when I was addressed in excellent English....better than my own if the
truth be told.

	"Yes, the three of us," the dark haired boy said, waving to
indicate the other two men.   He then looked at the youngest of the
girls...the one he had been arguing with.  She was glowering at him.  If I
didn't know better, I would have said she was glowing a bit too--bright
blue.  "I mean the four of us need to get set up to go fishing.  We are
here for a week and want to try out all the different kinds of fishing we
can."

	Oh, I do love it when someone talks like that.  We get a lot of
Japanese tourists, and quite a few of them are fanatical about going
fishing.  "Okay, so you want four complete set ups for Reds, Kings, and
trout.  Does that sound about right?"

	The short haired girl that had not said anything to this point
stepped forward.  "Hi, um,"  she said taking a quick look at my name tag,
"Bob.  Just exactly how much will all of that cost?"

	This girl seemed to be a shrewd operator.  Probably the one
controlling the purse strings for the group, judging by the way her voice
caught on the word 'cost'.  Also, I had the uncanny feeling she could tell
how much money I had on me, right down to the pocket change.   "Well, it
depends on what quality of gear you buy.  Is this a one shot thing, or will
you be taking the gear home to use again and again?"

	The boy spoke up again.   "This is a one shot deal.  We won a
vacation to Alaska, but I don't think we will be coming back again."

	Gordon wandered off about then to help some other customers.  I
spent the next hour (a fair bit of overtime) getting these newcomers set up
to do some fishing.  Explaining that it would be expensive to set up for
each species of fish for a one time vacation, I got them into basic
'Tourist' Salmon combos (a less expensive rod and reel that was heavy
enough for Kings, but  limber enough to be fun with Reds).  I also set them
up with some lightweight trout rods.  Since decent Chinook (King) Salmon
gear is relatively expensive, they decided not to buy any.  They also
decided they didn't have enough cash for all of them to go on a charter
(the easiest way for a tourist to fish Kings anyways).

	Finally, they were all set up and had paid for their purchases.
Nabiki (I had been introduced to all of them by now) was happy at the
relatively small amount of money they had spent, but Ranma  was pretty
disappointed that they wouldn't be able to do any serious King fishing.  I
decided to do something I don't normally do.

	"Tell you guys what.  As of this very minute, I'm off for the next
few days.  My wife is up in the Interior doing some research, so I'd be
willing to take the four of you fishing with me tomorrow morning in my
boat.  What do you say?"  Looking back, this was probably not the wisest
choice I have ever made.

*******

	I picked up the four  the next morning at 4 am in front of my
store.  My wife had our Ford Expedition with her on her research trip, so I
was driving my F-250 Crew Cab Diesel.  Genma sat up front with me and Soun,
Ranma and Akane crawled into the back seat.   All of them looked pretty
chipper, except Ranma.  I figured that he wasn't a morning person.  As we
drove to where I planned to put the boat in, I explained the various
methods of fishing for Kings, and how the gear worked.  I made sure they
understood how the reels worked and little things river ettiquette and why
it was important to thump a fish after boating it (having a fifty plus
pound salmon start thrashing around in a boat can ruin your whole day--not
to mention anything in the boat!).  They all listened pretty well, though
occasionally I had to clarify what an English word meant.  I tried not to
use quite as much slang as usual.

	Finally we arrived at The Pillars, a boat landing near my home.
It's a new launch and doesn't have an attendant camping ground, so it was
relatively uncrowded.  Here the Kenai River is fairly wide, bordered on
both sides by Spruce trees.  We were a couple of miles above tidewater, so
the bank was mostly rock.  The water itself is a milky bluish green, which
comes from being partially glacial fed.  We had no problem launching the 20
ft Alumaweld Intruder, and after a quick safety lecture (mainly showing
everybody where the life vests were) we ran on upstream to a  good spot I
know.

	"Boy, " said Ranma, "I figured this river would be more crowded.
Everything I've heard or read says this place is packed with people.   I
only see a few other boats."  He peered around into the lightening morning
looking at the sights.  There weren't too many, as this far down the Kenai
River, it's hard to see the mountains.  However, the Spruce trees grow
right up to the water's edge, providing a beauty of their own.  They also
provided occasional moments of surprise as there were quite a few sweepers
(trees that have fallen into the water but are still attached to the bank)
on each side.

	"Well, guides aren't allowed on the river until 6 am.  After that
is when we will be seeing more boats."   We were coming up to Falling in
Hole about then, so I eased back on the throttle and got us into position
for our first back troll.    Just upstream of the hole is an island and a
riverbend.  The island is heavily wooded, and the river is deeper on the
right side of the island than the left.  At the tail end of the island a
gravel bar tapers back for over a hundred yards.  The water was high enough
to cover the gravel, but I had to be careful not to ground the prop.  The
spot I chose was almost at the island on the shallow side.  We would slowly
back down the river with our gear behind us, through several deep spots
where, hopefully, some salmon were hiding.

	"Okay, everybody pick up one of the rods near you....Great, now
unhook the lure from lower rod guide...Careful Genma, those Gamakatsu hooks
are sharp...Okay, there is a small bucket of salmon roe by each one of you,
just take one of the precut chunks and put it through the loop near the
upper hook."  About then I noticed that Akane was balking at putting on the
smelly salmon eggs.  "Hey Ranma, how about helping out Akane.  She looks
like she is having a bit of trouble."

	"What, me help that tomboy?"  Snorted Ranma.   "Besides, she wanted
to come along, so she can bait her own hook."

	"What did you call me!?!"  Akane began taking on that vague blue
glow I noticed the day before.  Though unfamilar with people glowing, I
figured that it probably wasn't a good thing.

	"An uncute, unsexy tomboy!  Thats what!  You want to go fishing,
but you're afraid to bait your own hook!"  Suddenly, Akane set her pole
down and reached behind her back.  She whipped out an evil looking wooden
mallet and hammered Ranma right on the noggin.  He seemed to lose about two
inches of height in the seat.  I figured I better intervene...though it
took a moment for my jaw to start working again.

	"Alright, that's enough you two.  I don't want a hole in my boat,
and I don't want to waste fishing time chasing down somebody that gets
knocked overboard.  And, pardon me for asking Akane, but where did that
mallet come from?"

	Akane looked at me innocently and said "What mallet?"  The mallet
was gone, and to this day, I have no idea where she could have gotten it or
where it had gone.

	While all of this was going on, Genma and Soun looked on with
indifferent expressions, as if they were used to it.  Deciding I better
press on, I finished getting everybody set up (baiting Akane's rig myself)
and got their lines in the water.  I then streamed out my own pole and
settled down into the routine.

	Right after everybody had their poles out, I spotted a moose on the
bank.  I pointed it out to everybody, and we watched as it walked out into
the milky blue water of the river.  At first glance, moose look to be an
ungainly critter.  They look about the same at the second or third glance.
However, they are powerful swimmers, and my passengers watched in awe as
the moose swam across in front of us, almost near enough to touch.  Akane
snapped some pictures and oohed when the moose crawled up on the bank.

	Trying to keep Ranma from dozing off, I engaged him in
conversation.  "So, Ranma, what are Nabiki and Kasumi doing today?"  If
Ranma nodded off, he might miss a fish by not reacting quick enough.

	"Huh, oh, they are taking a bus tour down to someplace called
Homer.  They said they'd be back about seven or so tonight."

	"That's a pretty trip alright.  So what do you guys do for fun in
Japan?"

	"Well, I'm a marital artist, and Akane and I are still in school,
so that pretty much takes up all of our time...."  Once I got him started,
Ranma talked quite a bit, like he rarely got to talk much.  He told some
funny stories, but some of them were so tall I had trouble believing them.
Akane occasionally interjected her own comments, usually about Ranma's
behavior.

	After two or three more passes through Falling In Hole, listening
to Ranma's story,  I decided the fish aren't there.  I told everybody to
reel their lines in.  "Go ahead and put on fresh bait while I run down to
the next hole.  Akane, I'll bait yours up when I do mine."

	"Thanks, Bob, by the way what is the name of the next spot we are
going to?"

	"It's called Honeymoon Cove."

	"Perfect!"  Shouted Genma and Soun in Unison.  "I don't suppose you
have a minister nearby do you?"  Asked Genma.  I merely looked at him in
confusion.

	"Watch it Pops!"  Snarled Ranma, "It's a cold morning to have wet
fur!"  Curious comment, that.  Genma looked like he was going to make an
issue of it, but backed down.

	Honeymoon Cove is a short run downriver from Falling in Hole.  The
river widens out some, and there is a large island with a small channel on
the opposite side from the cove.  The cove itself is hard to see from
upriver.  From the down river side it looks like a channel of the river
that is choked with tall grass.  In reality it is a slough and right at the
bottom of it is usually some decent fishing.

	As we started our first pass through Honeymoon Cove, the guide
boats started hitting the river.  I had understated things to Ranma by
saying we would see more boats.  Actually, there were a LOT more boats.
Most of them were Alumaweld Intruders like mine, or Willie Predators.  Both
are big, wide boats that make for a comfortable ride for the people on
board.  Though the Kenai River is limited to 35 horsepower motors (or
less), the wakes of a lot of boats moving can still throw you around a bit,
even in a wide boat like mine.  When we started the second pass through the
hole, I noticed that Ranma was looking a little green around the gills.

	"Uh, you okay Ranma?"  I asked.  Looking at him was starting to
make me nervous.  I scouted the shore for a place to land-

	"Yeah, just  a little-"  Ranma turned to the side and began hurling
over the side of the boat.  I'm glad he had the presence of mind to face
over the side, as I hate having to hose out somebody's breakfast....

	"I told you not to eat so much this morning!"  Fumed Akane.  "You
baka!"

	Ranma finished his business, and turned to start yelling at Akane.
Just then
Ranma's rod bent double and his reel started screaming like a banshee.
How typical, a fish always hits when someone is either sleeping, going to
the bathroom or doing as Ranma had just done.

	"Okay,"  I said, "Everybody but Ranma reel up.  Ranma grab the rod
with both hands and set the hook really hard!"   The way that Fenwick was
bent over, it had to be a good fish.   I reached behind me and grabbed my
rod and started reeling.  I also kicked my Evinrude outboard into neutral.
Ranma did a great hook set, then waited for instructions.  "Ranma, just
keep the line tight, reeling in as the fish comes closer.  Don't put too
much pressure on it yet, until everybody has got their line in."  I looked
around and saw that everybody had their poles in now.  I finished reeling
mine in and turned to Genma.

	"Genma, grab that big net and extend the handle.  Then hold it
straight up with the butt of the handle on the floor.  That will let the
other boats know that we have a fish on and they will get out of our way.
Since I'm running the boat, you will have to net the fish."  Genma nodded.
I was thankful I had given everybody a fishing lesson in the truck.  I
turned the boat sideways to the current to hasten our trip downstream.  The
king was still ripping line off of Ranma's reel.  "Okay, Ranma, tighten the
drag slightly....good, now reel as you drop the rod tip just a
little....now pull up on the rod tip again....now reel down...excellent,
keep that up, but be careful not to snap the pole or the line!"

	We fought the king for about fifteen minutes, and drifted by
several guide friends of mine.  They all gave thumbs up and shouted
encouragement to Ranma as we went by.  Ranma was loving it, being the
center of attention and fighting a great fish.  Finally, he got the fish up
to the boat as we came to a sharp corner in the river down by Eagle's Rock.
Actually, it is more of an S curve with a big rock in the middle at the end
of the S.  This is down in tidewater, and the banks are a little silty.  It
is also has a pretty fast current and a couple of submerged rocks and
sweepers (logs) laying on the banks.

	I really had to watch the boat to keep from either hitting the bank
or another boat in that spot.  Though the rules of the river were to get
out of the way of somebody with a fish on, there just aren't many places to
go on that riverbend.  Out of the corner of my eye I saw Genma dip the net
into the water.  I looked around to see a big wake coming right at us.
"Nuts, hang on you might get a little wet when that wake hits us!"  I
shouted.

	Just as the side of the boat dipped down into the wake, the king
went into the net.  I heard Genma grunt as he started to pull the salmon
out of the water.  I also heard the salmon do the normal thing--go berserk
and start splashing.   The way the bilge pump kicked in almost immedietely
meant we had taken a fair amount of water onboard.  I heard a heavy thump
meaning the fish was in, so I kicked the motor into gear and steered
upstream.

	Now that we were no longer drifting, I could spare some attention
to my passengers.  Once again my mouth fell open in shock.  In the place of
Ranma and Genma there was a drop dead gorgeous red head girl, and a Panda!
The Panda was holding onto the net and trying to kill the fish with a fish
thumper.  The girl had her arms crossed and was glaring at the Panda.  I
was so shocked I almost run down a 14' Starcraft.  Angry shouts alerted me
just in time to avoid a collision.

	Akane looked at me and took pity.  "Perhaps we should explain...."

*********

	"Let me get this straight.   When Ranma gets splashed with cold
water he turns into  a girl.  Genma gets turned into a Panda?"  I felt a
major league headache coming on.  The kind that make me start popping Advil
like candy.

	"That's right.  Hot water, or at least hot liquid changes them back."

	Grabbing a thermos out from under the console, I handed it to
Akane.  "This is some hot coffee.  Please change them back.  I really don't
want one of the guys with Fish and Feathers (local slang, it is used for
the Alaska Department of Fish and Game) to see a Panda in my boat.  I don't
know what the penalty is for harboring exotic wildlife without a permit,
and I don't want to find out!"

*********

	It took a while, but I adapted to my new friends.  We fished most
of the rest of the day, but only caught one more fish.  At the weigh-in
Ranma's King Salmon went 68lbs 9 oz.  Akane's was 74lbs 2 oz.  Ranma was
not happy.

	"Ranma, that is a poor attitude to have.  Lots of people come to
Alaska and never get to catch a King at all, let alone one as nice as
that!"  I chided.  "That's way bigger than my first King!"

	"Yeah, but this tomboy will probably never let me live down the
fact that she caught a bigger fish than me!"

	"Who are you calling a tomboy !?!"  That mysterious mallet appeared
again, and Ranma was struck...again.  'That boy has some serious
resilience' I thought.

	"Tell you guys what.  I'm going up to the Russian River tomorrow to
try to bag some Red Salmon.  They just raised the bag limit to six fish per
person by emergency order.  That means there is a spit load of fish up
there.  You want to go?"

	Will I ever learn?

********

Later that night

	"Ring, Ring!"  In this modern age, of all the modern convinences, I
most hate the telephone.  It is almost always bad news or someone trying to
sell me something. I prefer letters, or it's modern equivelent: email.

	"Hello, if this isn't an insanely beautiful woman, or my wife, I'm
hanging up."

	"Careful, Bob, or I'll tell Tanya you said that!"

	"Kevin!"

	"That's me.  Hey, I'm at the Kenai Airport.  I was sent up to do
some work up at Elmendorf, but I finished early and have a couple of days
to kill.  I was hoping we could do some fishing."

	"Sure thing Kev, Tanya's up in the interior doing some research on
another of her bloody plants, but I met some folks and I'm taking them up
to the Russian tommorow."

	"Ugh, normally I'd say wild horses couldn't get me up there to
tourist central, but there is so little fishing down where I'm at now that
I'm going into withdrawl!  Why don't you come pick me up and will discuss
this over beer and an anime video like civilized people?"

	"Sounds great, I'll be there in a few."

**********

	End of Day One

Well, there you go!  I've put on my asbestos boxers, so feel free to
comment away.  All comments welcome and responded to.  All flames will be
used to toast marshmallows and will get a PUBLIC response.

Thanks!

Big Bore and the Nitro Express!


Visit Bob and Tanya's Alaskan Homepage at
http://www.geocities.com/Yosemite/Trails/5144

"There is not enough darkness in this world to extinguish the light of a
single candle."