From: "Coutuva" <coutuva@vecdev.com>
To: <fanfic@fanfic.com>
Subject: [FFML] [fanfic][ranma] The Death of a Dream - Part 4
Date: Tue, 28 Jul 1998 21:19:41 -0400
Please Enjoy.
Coutuva.
OK, grammar (actually, punctuation) nits first, then some content
commentary at the end:
The Death of a Dream - Part 4
---------------------------------------------------------------
Kasumi surprised her with her response. "Someone has to
keep them in line," she smiled, touching Hitomi's shoulder and
winking.
*Quote complaint #1: While there are many who will forgive this error,
it's a real pet peeve o' mine. You cannot "smile" a quote. Nor can you
"nod", "grin" or "scowl" it. In order to convey a quote, you have to be
doing something that makes noise. Facial expressions are fine, but you
_say_ things while showing them. The closest thing to a real exception
to this rule would be along the lines of: [Kasumi shot Akane a look
that plainly said, "Please don't disrupt the funeral."]*
"Now *this* is useful." she grinned, touching her neck to
add a choker.
*In addition to QC1, we also have QC2: No period if the attribution
follows the quote! IO _know_ you know this one, since you did manage to
do it right about 1/2 to 3/4 of the time in this chapter. I sometimes
think you throw this in deliberately to goad a C&C from me.... [... is
useful," she said with a grin,]*
"Hai, I guess she would..." he agreed distantly, watching
*QC3: The ellipses only indicate the trailing off of the speaker's
voice; they do not substitute for the actual punctuation (as can be seen
in sentences in which the quote ends with a question-mark or exclamation
point). Therefore, the sentence should read: ["Hai, I guess she
would...," he agreed distantly,]. There is room for leeway, here
though, as I've been informed that the British style is to have the
ellipses serve double-duty for commas or periods (but not other
punctuation). If you claim this rationale, though, I'm going to watch
for consistency, insisting that you use British spelling (favour,
honour, etc.). Your call.*
*You may now go through the fic and apply these three complaints to
various conversations. I found 1 QC1, 25 QC2, and 12 QC3 errors. In
the rest of the chapter (especially the Nabiki/Tatewaki exchange).*
the show. "No... more *forward*!" he whispered, watching Masao
attempt an opening lunge.
"There is one thing I'm curious about though... what
really happened to Shampoo? I can't see her just going back to
China..."
*Just as a side note, this quote would end: [back to China...."]
The fourth period is needed to end the sentence.*
Now, for the content. I liked this arc, a lot, until this chapter.
Lots of action, revelations and resolutions. However...
I am _not_ a big fan of the school of "the Fates say it must be so,
so it must be okay." I somehow doubt that Ranma would be either, even
with all the events that you've had in prior arcs. Rebellion, and a
refusal to abandon those he cares for, are so intrinsically wedded to
his nature that to remove them is to unmake him.
Even if he had almost no chance of finding Hitomi, I cannot buy that
he wouldn't _demand_ that Joy take him to the spirit realm where the
battle was to be fought. For that matter, I don't think he would have
accepted the revelation of the Fates plans for Hitomi without
_immediately_ popping in and telling her what was going on.
Ranma is a man of action, even when his actions are wrong-headed, yet
he seems a passive observer in this fic, a good little soldier, content
to follow orders.
As a second point, I also disliked the treatment of Shampoo. I
regard the "suggestion" that she should go back to China to be little
more than a discrete form of mind-rape. If free will is to have _any_
meaning at all, then it must be total. Using supernatural forces to
goad someone into taking a particular course of action "for their own
good" is little better than doing the same thing by physical force, only
more cowardly.
If going back to China is such a great idea for Shampoo, then let Joy
appear to her and make the argument for it. Then let Shamps decide for
herself, and let the chips fall where they may. The Shampoo of your
series is intelligent and level-headed (most of the time, anyway), and
for her to get this kind of dismissal is disrespectful. I really had a
feeling of, "OK, she's served her purpose as emotional cannon fodder,
time to write her out of the story." Hell, the argument that China was
her best option wasn't even made to the reader. It was simply presented
as an immutable fact by Joy, so deal with it.
I, for one, doubt that someone as strong-willed and world-wise as
Shampoo has grown in this fic would be happy in either the totalitarian
state that is most of China, or in the provincial village of her birth.
I'm sorry if this is coming across as a rant. By now, you should be
aware that I number myself among your more dedicated fans. I guess, in
a way, that's why this chapter was so disappointing to me.
If you ever to a rewrite, I urge the following adjustments:
1) Let Hitomi in on the plans of Fate, and decide for herself
_before_ the final battle whether she is willing to sacrifice it all.
2) Likewise, let Shampoo determine her own fate, even if it means
she'll take the harder road. Hell, she's an Amazon--she might take the
harder road just because it _is_ harder.
3) Please, please, let Ranma try to help, even if he must fail.
Ranma does not look good in his father's role.
If you made it this far, thanks for listening.
--Freemage
And there you have it... the end of a saga. (snif) This story
didn't quite go as I originally envisioned it, but I certainly
did enjoy the experience. It proved to be quite an emotional
roller coaster for me, especially this segment. My thanks to
all who responded along the way, for it was for them that I
tried my best. I'm not done writing by any means, and I hope
that those who supported and critiqued my work will continue to
do so, since a writer is nothing without an audience.
Well, you know what they say about being careful what you wish for....
;)
Arigato gozaimashite, minna!
Coutuva.
"No, we don't broadcast animation live any more... it
puts too much of a strain on the Artist's wrists."
And I still say this is one of the best sig quotes out there.....
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