Akihiro@webtv.net (Andrew Hubbard) wrote:

��� � It was a rainy day in Nerima.  Aside from the boy that was
chasing a St. Bernard down the road nothing was out of the ordinary.
The people near by watched the scene before them with curiousity.  The

curiosity

boy appeared to be in his late teens and had long black hair teid back

tied

   �The dog quietly crept up behind him and leapt against his back.
The boy, having been unprepared for the assault,  flew head first into a
near by wall, then fell to the ground unconcious. � The large dog

unconscious

��� � Saotome Nodoka stood in her kitchen reading a letter. "At
last my old freind Kimiko is coming," she says happily. "Our agreement

friend

��� � Nodoka sat at the table across from her sons. Ranma looked
exasperated, confused, and embarassed all at once. Yoshihiro was sitting

embarrassed

��� � "This may not be a bad thing, Yoshi," says Ryunosuke.

said

��� � There was a scratching sound from outside, everyone got up
and headed to the door. 

Run-on sentence.

��� � After a few seconds both Nodoka and Yoshihiro came running
back down the hall followed by the St. Bernard. The dog was still
dragging the boy, who had apparently regained conciousness. 

consciousness

��� � The Saotomes all looked at each other in shock. Yoshihiro
spoke first. "Does your freind own a St. Bernard?" 

friend

��� � Still incapable of words, Nodoka gave an almost
idetectable shrug.

undetectable

A few moments passed and she finally finds her voice,

found

��� � Yoshihiro looked on suspiciously for a moment then touched

moment, then

���� "Hey! What did I do to you?" replied Ranma. �    "Sorry
Ranma, no offense." Yoshi smiled. �         "Oh, okay," Ranma said as
he decided it would be alright to let the insult slide, this time
anyways. 

Only one speaker should talk in a given paragraph.

��� � "How could you possibly think this is a girl, Mom?" Yoshi
questioned Nodoka who appeared to have awakened. 
��� � "Kimiko told me she had a daughter," replied Nodoka.
"Besides,
'Akane' is deffinately a girls name." 

definitely

��� � Akane and Ranma both laughed openly for a moment, then
Ranma spoke again. "You seem like a nice guy, I'm sure we'll be best
freinds within a week." 

friends

���� Akane smiled. "Thanks." 
��� � "I'm just glad you aren't a girl," said Ranma. "I've
always had trouble communicating with women." 
��� � Akane took the sandwich Ranma pepared while they talked

prepared

��� � Nodoka sat in the living room talking to a strange woman
while Yoshihiro watched TV. Ranma came running down the stairs with a
towel aound his waist. 

around

��� � "Please, allow me to explan." The woman who had been

explain

speaking to Nodoka looked over the three boys. "I am Tendou Kimiko and
this is my daughter�" 
���� "Akane," she interupted, she felt quite capable of

interrupted

introducing herself.
  � "I went to China a few months ago to pick her up from the bridal
academy, and I thought we would do some sight seeing before returning to
Japan." Kimiko looked at Akane who was glaring at her. "During or sight

our sight

seeing we stopped at an old martial arts training ground called
Jusenkyou." 

<Begin flasback>

flashback. BTW, explicit warnings like this are distracting and unnecessary. If
it's not obvious from the context that it's a flashback, then you need more
context.

��� � Akane, Kimiko, and the Jusenkyou guide approached the
spings. Kimiko immediately noticed how beautful the land was. 

springs

��� � "Akane! What are you doing?!" Kimiko yelled in suprise and

surprise

fear. "You're going to fall and get hurt! � I sent you to that academy
to get rid of the martial ats training your father put you through, not

arts

<End flasback> 

flashback; and again, I'd suggest getting rid of this marker.

��� � Nodoka brought in a kettle of water and poured it over her
freind. "So

friend

��� � "Won't it change you back?" Nodoka was visinly worried.

visibly

��� � Nodoka nodded then stepped forward and grabbed Akane by
the sholders then faced him toward her sons. "Now, Akane-chan. You have

shoulders

  � Ranma sat with a stupified look on his face, then bowed his head

stupefied

when Yoshihiro poked him in the ribs. 
��� � "Choose whichever you want and he will be your future
hasband." Nodoka smiled as Akane looked over her sons. The smile soon

husband

��� � Akane had just finished stripping and openned the door to

opened

���� "Sure we will," he returned sarcasticly as he walked from

sarcastically

���� "Yong lady!" Kimiko interupted. "Watch your language!"

young

��� � Well, that's it for this chapter, let me know if you want
more. I hope no one is preparing their lynch mobs. I have read through
this twice for spelling and grammatical errors, but I'm still afraid I
have missed something. 

One or two, maybe. :)

This story suffers from the classic problem of AltUniv stories: It's too similar
to the original. The plot is the same if you substitute "St. Bernard" for
"panda." Akane and Kimiko act mostly like Ranma and Genma. Nodoka, Ryu, and
Yoshi act like Soun, Kasumi, and Nabiki. The point of your story should be to
show what's *different* in the new continuity; you can cut out most of the
things that are the same.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics