Yep, I'm reposting this now. Sorry, all the people who got this fine. 
I'm just paranoid about this sort of thing.



SICK FIC
A frankly disturbing Ranma 1/2 fanfiction by Aaron Shattuck

Warning: Dark sense of humor required. Keep in mind that this is 
_supposed_ to be absurd. 


Chapter One: Ranma and Akane: Sad, Sad, Sad!

A young, brown haired girl gets off of a bus and waves in thanks to the 
driver, before he zooms off.

Nayami: I'm here at last! I can't wait for all those wacky adventures 
mom was always telling me about!

Cue cheesy flashback effects.

Kasumi: Oh... you want to... go to Nerima? Ummm... I don't think that's 
such a good idea.

End flashback.

Nayami: Feh... she's so overprotective. She'll stop worrying once I call 
from Uncle Ranma and Aunt Akane's house! Now where is it?

(Scene changes to the Tendo Dojo, which seems to be in an extreme state 
of disrepair. Most of the windows and ceiling have been boarded up. 
Crashing sounds can be heard from within.)

Nayami: Could... this be it?

She knocks on the door and it is answered by Ranma, who has a five 
o'clock shadow and a contemptuous look on his face.

Ranma: Yeah? Whatta you want?

Nayami: Um... It's me uncle Ranma! Your niece, Nayami?

Akane (from within the house): Who're you talking to?! Another one of 
your whores?!!

Ranma (to Akane): Shut your trap, you stupid bitch!

Akane (appearing in the doorway): Bitch am I?! Better than a washed up 
pedophile! (Slams Ranma hard with a mallet out of nowhere) How you like 
that, huh?! Why don't you go eat your teeth, if I'm such a lousy cook?!!

Ranma (spitting out blood): It would be safer! (To Nayami) She killed 
her best friend with her cooking, y'know. Actually killed her. (Shakes 
head) She mistook the rat poison for salt.

Akane (eyes tearing): You... you promised you wouldn't ever tell anyone 
about that!

Ranma: Did I? Well fuck me!

Akane (crying): Yukari! I'm so sorry, Yukari!!

Ranma: Ha ha! That got you, didn't it?!!

Akane (begins to savagely beat Ranma): You bastard! You goddamn 
bastard!! Why don't you die?!!! (Lands a hard kick to his ribs, that 
sends him out the doorway) Why don't you die like everybody else?!!! 
(Slams door.)

Nayami (shocked): D-does this...

Ranma: Happen often? Hell yeah! (Clutches broken ribs) This is my 
fuckin' life!

Nayami: A-aren't you afraid... she'll kill you?

Ranma: Naw, that's been done already. Listen kid, I hate t'leave you 
stranded, but trust me, you wanna stay as far away as possible from this 
house! (Winces from the intense pain) What the fuck was Kasumi thinking, 
anyway?!

Nayami (fearfully backing away): I... I g-guess I'd better go! (Runs 
off.)

Ranma: Yeah... you do that. (Turns his head back to the house) BOO HOO! 
POOR YUKARIIIIII!!!!

Akane (from within): Aaaaaaaaaaah!!!!

Nayami runs aimlessly from the living hell of the Tendo dojo.

Nayami (thinking): Why?! Why didn't mom ever tell me? (she suddenly 
halts and checks pockets) I don't even have change for the phone! Where 
am I gonna stay?!!

Nayami looks around exasperatedly, until her eyes finally fall on a 
cardboard box in an alleyway.


Chapter Two: They're Creepy and They're Kooky! 

Gosunkugi Kichigai, a somewhat effeminate looking young man (despite 
deep bags under his eyes), wearing a boy's high school uniform lightly 
sprints down the stairs. Once at the bottom, he pauses to file his 
nails.

Kichigai (thinking): No time for breakfast, I have to arrive at school 
early today, to arrange my little "meeting". (A shadowy figure begins to 
rise behind him, a knife in its hand) That's funny, I thought I heard 
something...

Gosunkugi Hikaru lunges at him with the knife. Just as he is about to 
connect, a ribbon wraps around his neck, snapping him back. 

Kodachi: Ohohohohohoho! Hikaru, you're not trying to kill are son 
_again_ , are you?

Hikaru (gasping as he tries to loosen the ribbon from his neck): B-but, 
honey...! I have promised my first born to Kalgara! You know it is for 
the greater good of...

Kodachi: Silence! Enough with you and your demon queens! I don't care 
what kind of deals you make in your spare time, but I need Kichigai-chan 
for a very special purpose...

Kichigai (thinking): Not this speech again. I'm outta here! (Quickly 
leaves.)

Kodachi: I must have a successor for my important role of Head Assassin 
of the Ruthless Right-wing Japanese Party! Those radicals who want to 
help the poor would destroy this country... (Scenes of various 
politicians drinking tea) If not for me! (The politicians gag, choke, 
and die.)

Kodachi looks down at her sniveling husband.

Kodachi: Also, you didn't touch a bit of your breakfast.

Hikaru: F-forgive me, mistress! (Thinking) I couldn't eat it, because I 
ran out of the antidote...

Kodachi: So many offenses, looks like you'll have to be PUNISHED!

Hikaru: No... please... I'll be late for work...

Scene shifts to a darkened room. I very creepy little girl sits on her 
bed, a bizarre rabbit-like doll resting in her arms. The sound of 
whipping can be heard from below.

Gosunkugi Kowai: They're all just cattle, aren't they Bippo-san? 

Bippo-san: ...

Kowai: Cattle... for the inevitable slaughter!

Bippo-san: ...

Kowai: No one made my lunch for school.

Scene shifts to the Furinkan High School yard. A plain looking boy 
begins walking towards the school building, until he is halted by the 
voice of Kichigai.

Kichigai: I believe we have something to discuss.

Boy: Huh?

Kichigai: Don't play dumb with me, I remember you!

Boy: Excuse me, do I know you?

Kichigai grabs the boy by the neck and slams him into the gate's wall.

Kichigai: I said "don't play dumb with me!" You're the one! Remember 
yesterday?!

Boy: Gack?!

Kichigai: I saw the way you looked at me! You sent it! You're the one 
who sent the dog to follow me!

Boy (barely managing to speak): Wh-erk-at? I... gurgle...

Kichigai (smiling): Well, I took care of your little "friend." (Holds up 
dog collar labeled "Muffins" with his other hand) Now we'll see who has 
the last laugh!

The boy claws at Kichigai's hand. Kichigai drops him, letting him gasp 
for breath on the ground. The deranged boy backs up, and takes out a 
long metal spike attached to a length of ribbon. He begins to twirl it 
around.

Kichigai: Prepare to die!

Boy: No! I never saw you in my life! Honest!

Kichigai: Is that so?

The spinning begins to accelerate.

Boy: Please! I'll do anything!

Kichigai: Hmph! Don't make me laugh! (Suddenly has a vision of a 
high-priced tuxedo he saw in a shop window) ...Will you buy me some new 
clothes?

Boy: Yes! Anything!

Kichigai (smiles sweetly): Okay!

Suddenly, a ragged looking Nayami begins to walk by. Kichigai's head 
slowly turns to see her and she is seen in slow motion, with visions of 
hearts and flowers behind her. Standard "instant love" music ensues. 
Kichigai looks dumbfounded, he then notices that he has absentmindedly 
let the ribbon spike go, impaling the young man he was accosting.

Kichigai (looking apologetically at the dead boy): Sorry.

Scene changes to Nayami wandering the streets aimlessly. 

Nayami (thinking): I've searched and searched, but I still don't have 
enough for a pay phone! I tried to beg, but they all just kicked me! I 
guess I'll just head back to the box and rest a bit.

Scene changes to the interior of a small diner. Mousse sits with a vapid 
grin on his face, next to a very dead and slightly rotting Shampoo.

Mousse: Would you like some of my teriyaki, my darling Shampoo? 
(Attempts to stuff some teriyaki chicken into the corpse's mouth) I'm so 
happy, ever sense we've gotten together!

Shampoo: ...

The waiter peeks his head out of the kitchen door.

Waiter: Um... (Resists urge to vomit) Would you and your... wife like 
anything... else?

Mousse: No, we're just fine, thank you!

Shampoo falls backwards.

Mousse (picking her up): You should be more careful, Shampoo.

Shampoo: ...

Scene changes to Gosunkugi Kowai coming down the stairs, in her school 
uniform, carrying her backpack and Bippo-san. The sounds of whipping are 
very loud.

Kowai: Someday they'll all pay.

Hikaru scrambles out of the kitchen, on his hands and knees. He is 
wearing leather bondage gear and is covered with whip marks.

Hikaru: Must escape! (Notices Kowai staring at him) Uuuuhhhh... Have a 
good day at school! (Scrambles out the door.)

Kodachi (bursting out of the Kitchen door): Where do you think you're 
going?! Ohohohohoho! (Notices Kowai staring at her) Oh... Study hard, 
Kowai-chan. (Runs off after Hikaru) Come back here, you worm!

Kowai just stares off into space.


Chapter Three: I'd Rather Push A Guy Out The Window Or Chop His Head Off 
With An Ax Than Sock Him In The Jaw

A scrawny, acne scarred youth, wearing a checkered yellow bandanna 
stalks down the streets of Nerima. He pauses and balls his hand into a 
tight fist.

As-Yet-Unnamed-Youth (thinking): Today you die, Saotome Ranma!

Scene changes to a somewhat bandaged Ranma sulking in the dojo.

Ranma: Fucking bitch.

The doorbell rings.

Akane (from afar): I'm not getting that, you transsexual moron!

Ranma: Yeah, yeah... you got more small mammals you hafta fuck. (Gets 
up, walks to the door and opens it, revealing the as-yet-unnamed youth 
from earlier.)

As-Yet-Unnamed-Youth: Saotome Ranma?

Ranma: Who wants to know?

As-Yet-Unnamed-Youth: Hibiki Nikumi.

Ranma: Hibiki? Don't tell me yer...

Nikumi: I assume you _are_ Saotome Ranma, right?

Ranma: Yeah, but...

Nikumi (taking out a pistol): Die.

Nikumi fires the gun at Ranma, who dodges the bullet and wraps his legs 
around Nikumi, slamming him to the ground and sending the gun flying 
from his hand.

Nikumi (struggling to break free): Let go of me, asshole!

Ranma: Y'know, it seems everyone's always trying to kill me, but this is 
the first time anyone's used a gun. Ain't they illegal?

Nikumi: Fuck you, you murdering bastard! (Tries to grab the clearly out 
of reach fire arm.)

Ranma: "Murdering?" Mind explaining?

Nikumi: You killed my father!

Ranma: What? That's Ryouga, right? No I didn't!

Nikumi: Yes you did!

Ranma (squeezing tighter): Elaborate!

Nikumi: Aaaah! Fine! Just stop!

Ranma loosens his grip.

Nikumi: It was just a few days ago! We were all having dinner. It was 
Uncle Hakuchi's turn to prepare the meal. He was getting on in years 
and...

Cue cheesy flashback effects. Scene shifts to the Unryuu dinner table. 
Various members of the Unryuu family are chewing on the food Hakuchi has 
prepared for them.

Akari: That's strange... Ryoga-sama should be here by now. I hope he 
isn't lost again.

Random Unryuu Family Member: Hey, Hakuchi (much chew chew) what pig did 
you slaughter?

Hakuchi: Oh, the funny looking one, with the yellow bandanna...

Everyone freezes. End flashback.

Ranma (shocked): He turned into a pig and your uncle...?

Nikumi (embarrassed): No, actually we found a cure for his curse a year 
ago... Uncle Hakuchi was _very_ old... Anyway, and then...

Cue cheesy flashback sequence. Back to the Unryuu dinner table. Akari 
screams and rushes out of the room.

Random Unryuu Family Member: Oh, god... I think I'm gonna be sick!

Hakuchi: What? Didn't I cook it long enough?

Akari runs back into the room with a shot-gun. She begins to fire wildly 
at everyone at the table, and then turns the gun on herself and blows 
her brains out. All are dead, save for Nikumi, who was hiding under the 
table. Nikumi crawls out, with a dumbfounded expression on his face. End 
flashback sequence.

Ranma: So how come you're tryin' ta kill me?!

Nikumi: If there's one thing my father ever taught me, it's that 
everything... everything bad that ever happens... is ALL YOUR FAULT!!!

Akane wanders in.

Akane: What the hell's going on now?

Ranma: Hey, you know your dad used to sleep with her. (To Akane) Hey, 
didja know P-Chan was Ryouga? Huh? Didja, Akane?!

Akane kicks the gun to Nikumi, who quickly grabs it and fires at Ranma. 
Ranma's shoulder is grazed, and he retaliates by punching the boy in the 
jaw. As Nikumi staggers back, Ranma gets up and swiftly kicks him in the 
stomach. He then picks him up and throws him hard out the door and on to 
concrete road. Nikumi twitches and barely manages to move his hand a 
bit.

Ranma: And stay out!

Ranma slams the door shut. Akane looks around at all the blood the two 
have leaked on the floor.

Akane: I'm not cleaning any of this up.

Scene shifts to the kitchen of Kasumi's household, which Kasumi is 
currently pacing back and forth in.

Kasumi (thinking): Oh, my... She wouldn't run away to Nerima, would she? 
Oh, I knew I shouldn't of told her those stories! I should inform the 
police of the possibility...

Kasumi opens a cupboard and takes out a jar of pills. She opens the lid 
and pops a few in her mouth.

Kasumi (a relaxed look appearing on her face): Ah, that's better.

Scene changes to the cardboard box, where Nayami is resting. Suddenly, 
she notices Nikumi dragging himself down the street toward her.

Nayami (thinking): What's with this guy? It looks like he's bleeding!

Nikumi (takes out gun and points it at Nayami): Get out of the box!

Nayami: What?!

Nikumi: I said "get out of the box!" Get out now or I'll blow your 
fucking head off!

Nayami fearfully gets out of the box and backs away. Nikumi drags his 
bloody body to it and lies down.

Nikumi: Now scram.

Nayami: But...

Nikumi (waving gun): Scram!

Nayami angrily stomps off.

Nayami (thinking): The nerve of that guy! How dare he...

Suddenly, she notices a couple of junior high school aged boys, wearing 
"street punk" clothes, and toting a can of gasoline.

Nayami (pointing to where Nikumi now lies): Hey, there's a bum over 
there! Why don't you set him on fire?

Delinquent #1: All right! 

Delinquent #2: Cool!

The two juvenile delinquents rush over to Nikumi, who is now sleeping. 
They quickly douse him in gasoline and light him on fire. He suddenly 
awakens and begins to scream.

Nayami (thinking as she walks off): That felt good.

Suddenly, Kichigai rushes in and picks her up in his arms, continuing to 
run.

Kichigai: Fear not, my beloved! I have come to the rescue!

Nayami: Huh? What?! Aaaaaaaah! Put me down!

Kichigai: I ask for no reward, save for... a kiss. (Quickly kisses the 
shocked Nayami) And your hand in marriage, of course.

Nayami screams and kicks him, sending them both sprawling to the ground. 
She quickly gets up and runs away.

Kichigai (smiling as he gets up): Ah, playing hard-to-get... I'm coming, 
my darling!

Scene changes back to the immolated Nikumi. He quickly shoots the two 
juvenile delinquents dead and beats the flames out with their clothes.

Nikumi (now singed as well as bleeding): Fucking sonuvabitch! RANMA! 
THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!!

Kowai walks past him on her way to school. She slowly turns her head, 
and sees him in slow motion, with hearts and flowers in the background. 
"Instant love" music ensues.

Kowai (thinking): Such strength. Such power.

Nikumi: Goddammit! As soon as I get to a hospital, I'm gonna kill that 
bastard! 

Nikumi staggers off. Kowai stares after him and a small sigh emits from 
her lips.


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