* * *
Yuri was the first to recover, finding herself on her hands and knees.
She hadn't felt like this since the last time Kei had taken her out drinking
in singles bars. It was hard to focus her eyes, and there seemed to be
something in front of her face that attracted her gaze. She also felt a
full body ache that made most of her previous hangovers seem tame.
Turning her head, she spotted Captain Edwards ripping the table from the
ground and throwing it at the man in the leather jacket. His target leapt
over it before it could strike him, and vanished into the garden as Edwards
lunged for his throat. Edwards dashed into the garden after him before Yuri
was able to speak.
She started to put a hand to her aching head, then stopped in shock when
she saw the fine reddish fur coating it. She gasped, then stopped when she
heard the snarl coming from her throat. Off to one side, she heard another
astonished gasp. Looking that way, she saw what looked for all the world to
be some sort of anthropomophic being - a large, humanoid animal - dressed in
a regulation 3WA battle bikini.
The figure staggered to its feet, looked her way, and squeeked "Yuri? Is
that you?"
Yuri couldn't get out a word. The person (?) raised a forelimb, examining
it closely. "How curious," it whispered. "Zen seems to have become a rather
fetching example of a large-busted female squirrel." Then Zen fainted dead
away.
Yuri crawled to her feet and looked around. Zen (?) was right. Her
trainee now resembled nothing so much as a cartoon squirrel of the female
persuasion. She looked around, and spotted a second figure in a battle
bikini. By process of elimination, it had to be Kei. Yuri began to laugh
in a slightly hysterical fashion.
"What the hell are you laughing at?" demanded Kei, who was holding her
aching head. "And who the hell are you?"
"You, girlfriend! I don't know if you've noticed, but if all the men who
ever called you a vixen in the past could see you know, they'd probably be
laughing their asses off. Kei, you've a fox!"
"Yuri?! Is that YOU?!" sputtered the vixen. "You're a damned CAT!"
Yuri blinked, and her laughter died down. "A cat? Really? How
interesting." She shook herself. "I don't know what's happened here, Kei,
but Captain Edwards is gone, chasing after that guy that interfered and
we've been changed somehow. We need to take charge of the situation, right
NOW! Can you.. I mean, do you feel up to it?"
She took a step towards her transformed partner, then swore as she felt a
painful tug at the small of her back. "What the hell..?"
Kei struggled to repress a giggle. "Your.. ahh.. your tail's caught in a
chair, Yuri."
Yuri carefully disentangled her tail from the wrought-iron chairback and
offered Kei a paw up. "What the hell just happened to us?"
Kei shuddered slightly. "I don't know, but it wasn't just us. Take a
look." She pointed to where the still stunned security squad still lay.
Yuri looked, and giggled. "Fitting," she smirked. "They always _did_ call
them gorillas." The men of the squad were now a mixed bag of mountain
gorillas, wolverines, and three rather large Kodiak grizzly bears.
She looked back towards where the table had stood, and to her surprise
spotted Minerva, also holding an aching head, still seated in her chair.
"Hey!! Why's _she_ still human?"
Kei stepped over to the taller woman quickly and grabbed her by the
shoulder. "I think *we* need to have a little talk... What the hell is
going on here? I want some answers, now."
Minerva winced, and glared at the trouble consultant. "I have a
splitting headache, and I happen to remotely control a starship that has a
minimum firepower rating of one teraton per second. Do you _really_ want to
piss me off, Ms. Kei?"
Kei lifted her hand (paw?) from the woman's shoulder and took a half step
back, watching her carefully.
Minerva stood slowly, wincing. "Good, I didn't think so. Now, if what I
suspect is correct, the shit just hit the fan in a major way. If you want
to understand what just happened, I suggest we return to my boss's hotel
room. I'll fill you in on what I _think_ just happened, and what I believe
is GOING to occur very shortly if we can't stop it."
Kei did a slow burn. "I have a fugitive from justice to arrest, and you
want to go to a hotel room?! Goddess only knows where Edwards and that
freak are by now, and every second we wait makes them that much harder to
find!"
Minerva gave her a sharp look, then turned to Yuri. "If you want my
boss, all you have to do is to follow me. Wherever I am, that's where he'll
eventually return to. And since I don't believe he'll be able to catch the
'gentleman' who interfered with your attempted arrest of us, he'll be coming
back very soon. He'll head back to the hotel room, since that's where he'll
expect to find me."
Yuri looked into the eyes of the tall, pale woman. "Kei? I think I
believe her."
Kei gave Yuri a shocked look. "Have you lost your mind? She's the
employee of a wanted fugitive! We're supposed to ARREST them, not TRUST
them!"
"We still have HER, Kei. It's only reasonably to assume that he will come
back for her," replied Yuri.
"You may not have noticed, Kei," said Minerva dryly, "But you've become a
vixen, your partner is a cat, your assistant over there is a squirrel, and
there is a godling and a meta-human, both of whom posess incredible powers,
loose on this planet. Whether you like it or not, I'd say your plans have
_changed_."
Kei yipped in frustration, then looked embarrassed at the sounds coming
from her throat. "Dammit, dammit, dammit," she swore. "Lemme guess..
we're going with the bimbo, right, Yuri? Then we'd better pick up Zen and
start walking."
Minerva flushed an angry red, then bit her lip and exhaled. "Allow me.
It's faster this way." She blinked, and two small floaters appeared over the
unconcious Zen. They hummed to life, and Zen's body drifted gently upwards,
stopping about three feet above the ground.
"Just touch one of the disks with a finger and guide it in the direction
you want to go. It will follow."
Yuri nodded, and guided the disks back towards the hotel. Kei followed,
still grumbling that the whole situation was completely ridiculous.
* * *
The engineer was strolling through the bowels of the hotel, wandering
through service levels and poking his nose in where it probably wasn't
wanted. He'd already found one poker game..
Building services wasn't exactly where he had expected to wind up, but it
was work that he could take pride in. The locale didn't hurt either. The
perks were.. he smiled to himself.. great!
He'd been called in recently on a rush job to arrange additional
soundproofing on one floor. Money for jam he'd thought until he'd seen the
specs they wanted. What was the occupant doing? Testing jet turbines?
While he was on site again, he'd taken the opportunity to look over some
of the earlier work he'd been involved in.
It was a satisfying feeling, wandering among the great humming machines
that maintained the luxury outside, knowing that he had helped to build
this. Very satisfying.
The money he'd cleaned up from the poker game didn't hurt, either.
A distant rumble caught his attention, and he noted a shower of dust from
the ceiling. "An earthquake? We're not near any fault line. What's
going.."
This train of thought was interupted by a loud smashing sound, as
if someone had crashed a hovercar into the side of the building.
"What the bloody hell was that!" he exclaimed.
A door at the other end of the roon was torn open, and a man in a black
leather jacket came rushing through it. He sprinted across the room as
though his life depended upon it, knocking down and running over the
engineer in the process.
"Who the HELL was.. AAAAKKK!!!"
A second person, this one in a torn and scuffed shipsuit followed the
first, screaming various threats and imprecations at him. In his rush to
catch the first man, he failed to notice the groggy hotel employee lying on
the floor in his path.
The engineer, now covered with assorted bootprints, staggered up and
leaned groggily against a bit of now non-functional equipment.
"Anyone get the name of that donkey cart?"
He looked around at the trail of destruction left behind by the two, and
after a moment grinned.
Barry Cadwgan flicked open his mobile phone and speed dialed a number.
"Guys, I think we just got a new job."
He failed to notice the slight metallic shimmer that his skin was taking
on.
* * *
Minerva sighed with relief as they entered the hotel lobby. "That's much
better. It was becoming slightly painful."
"What was painful?" asked Yuri.
"The sun."
Yuri gave her an odd look. "Pardon?"
"Can we get into it when we get up.. to.. the.. room?" Minerva's voice
trailed off as she spotted the other people in the lobby. "Oh, dear. The
boss is _really_ going to be upset with _this_."
Kei simply goggled at the sight before her.
"This isn't good. I think we'd best get to your suite as quickly as
possible. The sooner we're out of sight, the better." Yuri paused. "What
do we call you?"
"Minerva. And you're right. The stairs, I think. The lifts might not
be reliable." She waved an elegant hand at the two floating pods supporting
Zen, and they rotated until Zen was being held in a somewhat more
conveinient upright position. "There. That helps."
They hurried over to the stairway, easing the still unconscious Zen
through the door and headed up to the suite as fast as they could.
* * *
He was sticky, dusty, and very, VERY irritated with himself. *At least,*
he thought, *I don't get sweaty any more. Unless I want to, that is. I
remember sweat. I remember being human. I have to hold on to that.*
Coyote had led him a merry chase, taking him through buildings, parks,
tunnels, and all manner of places, before losing him somewhere outside of a
fuel storage plant near the Zelgat Interstellar Spaceport.
The storage depot had been an inspired touch on the part of his annoying
ancestral spirit. Ed hadn't dared go all out for fear of damaging the place
and possibly starting a dangerous chemical fire. He swore bitterly as he
realized that he'd lost Coyote in the maze of tanks, pipes and valves.
Then he REALLY swore when he realized he'd lost _himself_ in the damned
place!
{Min? Min? Can you hear me?}
{No need to shout, boss. I can hear you fine. You lost him, right?}
He growled. {Oh, thank you EVER so much for that vote of confidence,
Min.}
{Only rational, boss. I've been tracking you. You're currently inside
one of the main pumping stations of the Thoradason Fuel and Chemical Storage
company. I know the possible hazards, and I know you. You stopped chasing
him the instant you realized where the two of you were.}
{The only thing more irritating than a smart-alec ACI is a smart-alec ACI
that happens to be right,} Ed snarled.
He could feel her shrug. {Sorry about that, Chief.}
{86 that joke, pretty lady. Okay. Now what?}
To his surprise, she sounded uncharacteristically nervous. {Ahh.. we
got a small problem at the hotel, boss. And it looks like it might be
spreading. I _really_ think you should head back here right away.}
He didn't like the tone of her voice. {That bad?}
{Worse.}
{Beam me straight back to the garden, then. I'll walk from there. I
don't fancy trying to find my way out of this pipeyard jungle.}
{I don't fancy what you're going to say when you see what's happened.}
{Eh?}
{Long story. It's easier if you see for yourself. Transporting...}
He felt the cool blue radiance of the transporter effect seize him, and
when his vision cleared he was again in the small garden patio where he'd
awaited his arrest at the hands of the Lovely Angels. (He consciously tried
to avoid even thinking of the other name. No sense pouring fuel on a raging
fire.)
To his surprise a gorilla and a grizzly in ill-fitting security uniforms
were in the small garden clearing, apparently trying to collect evidence.
They flinched when they saw him appear, and took several paces back.
Between his attempt to strangle his family spirit, and the rather Keystone
Cop-ish chase that followed, he dimly recalled something about Coyote's
spell going awry and transforming some of the security squad, but this
wasn't right.
*Why haven't they changed back? Old Coyote's spells never last very
long. He's a spirit of trickery, not permanant transformation. What's
going on here?*
Ed took a step forward, intending to ask them what had happened, but the
two retreated, apparently not wanting to have anything to do with him.
He frowned, then quickly followed the path back towards the hotel.
Emerging from the garden, he headed straight for the lobby. Pushing open the
doors, he stopped in shock.
There was a large emperor penguin standing behind the concierge's desk.
"Bailey?!"
The penguin clacked its beak. "Yes sir. I'm afraid so."
"What the hell happened?" He looked around the lobby. Bailey wasn't the
only one. The on-duty clerk appeared to be a ferret of undertermined breed,
and the collection of frantic guests in front of the main desk closely
resembled feeding hour at a petting zoo.
Bailey held up one feathered flipper. "One moment please, sir." He
turned towards the vid-phone. "Mr. Cadwgan, please send some of your more
muscular crewmembers to suite 1102. Ms. Wrede is wedged in her bathtub."
Ed blinked when what appeared to be a GENOM built 55-C model boomer
answered the concierge. "Right. Not a problem. How'd she get stuck,
anyway? The tubs in those suites are thinly disguised swiming pools."
"Perhaps, but not large enough for a humanoid hippo. Ms. Wrede is
rather firmly wedged in place, and quite hysterical. I'm sending the hotel
doctor to her room to try to calm her down. I suspect you may need cutting
equipment. Please attend to this right away."
The boomer seemed to be surpressing a snigger as it waved a salute to the
video pickup. "Will do."
Bailey closed the connection and turned back to Edward. "It seems that
whatever happened between you and your rival is spreading, Captain. It has
affected all of the hotel, and is gradually moving outwards to engulf most
of the city."
Ed groaned. "Gods and demons! What next? Armageddon?" He shook his
head, then looked closely at Bailey. "You seem to be taking this MUCH more
calmly than I would have in your position. Why aren't you and your people
panicking?"
A penguin's beak wasn't built for smiling, but the feathered face seemed
to convey an obvious self-satisfaction. "Repose is a corporate planet, sir.
All would-be employees are put through an exhaustive screening before they
are accepted for employment here. One primary charactaristic that they MUST
have is a certain level of self-possession." Bailey cocked his head to one
side. "I'm told that the average level of equanimity among our employees
exceeds that of most intellegence agencies. We pride ourselves on our
self-control."
Ed shook his head. "I can't imagine that sort of self-control. It's
completely beyond me." He looked around at the hotel staff, calmly dealing
with a situation that would have sent 99% of the galactic population into
screaming fits of terror. "I'd best check with my assistant. This isn't
going to be pretty."
"Indeed, sir. And I believe you have a call waiting from Commandant
Harrison. He seems to feel that you are responsible for the current
situation, and would like to discuss it with you."
Ed moaned softly. "It just keeps getting better. All right. Please
give my compliments to the Commandant, and tell him I'll call him as soon as
I've spoken with the Lovely Angels and my assistant."
"Indeed, sir. And if I may?"
"Yes?"
"I wish you the best of luck in.. 'discussing' what has happened with
the young ladies. I suspect you will need it."
"You're very probably right. Oh, Bailey?"
"Yes, sir?"
"Ms. Wrede. She was the opera diva who'd complained about my snoring a
few nights before, wasn't she?"
"In fact, she was, sir."
"A hippo, eh?"
"Yes, sir."
Ed chuckled. "Sometimes there is justice in the universe, Bailey. Not
often, but sometimes."
* * *
"It may be that our role on this planet is not to worship God, but to
create him."
- Arthur C. Clarke.
"I'm *A* god. I'm not *THE* God."
- Bill Murray, 'Groundhog Day'.
Glancing around as he made his way up the grand staircase, Ed shook his
head. *Not just anthro. Far _more_ that that,* he thought to himself.
He'd already spotted several people who'd been transformed into various
cartoon and/or anime characters, some of whom he recognized from years gone
by. *Although what's real and what's animated is a difficult question to
answer when you're busy day-tripping through the multi-verse. But the
philosophy of meta-reality will have to wait.*
He glanced down into the atrium and blinked when he saw what appeared to
be a hysterical Betty Boop being sedated and escorted back to her room by
the hotel staff. *ooooo-kay. THAT did it. I'm obviously in _way_ over my
head here.*
He trotted faster, ignoring the bank of elevators, judging correctly that
they were overloaded by panicked guests.
Twelve flights and six minutes later, he arrived at the door to his
suite. "I could have done it faster, I think.." He took a deep breath and
pulled open the door.
"Min, I'm baaa... oh, boy." he Becketted, seeing the three transformed
women in the room. "Don't tell me. Let me guess. This is a bad thing,
right?"
The vixen shot him a disgusted look. "What was your first clue,
Einstein?"
He sighed. "No need to be nasty, dear lady." He turned to Minerva. "Can
you bring me up to speed, Min?" He blinked. "For that matter, why weren't
you transformed?" Then he noticed how she had her face slightly turned away
from him. "Min? Minerva? Min, I think you'd better let me see your face,
okay?"
"I'm not certain you want that, Boss."
"Neither am I, pretty lady. But do it."
When she turned and faced him, his mind slowed to a crawl, and all he
felt capable of doing was admire the altered beauty of her smile, how the
sunlight glittered from her newly enlarged canines.
When time sped back up, flames filled his mind. "He dies for this.
Slowly."
Minerva shook her head, her raven-black hair swirling around her. "No.
It wasn't deliberate, boss. I think it was an accident, caused when you and
Kei shattered his still-forming spell." She paused. "I didn't tell you, but
I've been studying whatever I could find on or about magecraft ever since
Vallana gave me this body."
"Then this is all my fault," he grated.
"No, not entirely."
"Just what the hell are you two talking about!" interjected Kei.
"Remember us? The trouble consultants? Here to arrest you and all that?
Mind letting us in on things?"
"The spell got her too, Kei. Minerva's a dhom'peir now," Ed spat between
clenched teeth. "She's become just like an old.. friend of mine. And it's
my fault. Mine.. and Coyote's."
He ignored Kei, and moved closer to his ACI. "Are you going to be okay,
Min? Is the sunlight..?"
Minerva shook her head slightly. "It hurts, but not dangerously so. I'm
feeling a slight urge, but we have enough supplies in sickbay that I'm not a
danger to anyone else, either."
"Do you MIND explaining what you two are talking about?!" Kei burst out.
Ed spared her a quick look. "Dhom'peir, Agent Kei. What you'd call..
gaki. In English, _vampire_."
"*SHE'S* a monster?! You've got to be kidding," laughed Kei.
"Minerva is _not_ a monster, child. And I'll kindly thank you to
remember that." The chill in his voice could have supercooled liquid helium,
and even the notoriously sharp-tongued Kei winced.
"You're right. That wasn't called for," said Yuri, giving her partner a
'we're going to have another one of those talks about "the uses of diplomacy
in everyday life" later on' look. "But what IS going on here? Will you
please explain what happened and why?"
He nodded. "What's Min told you about me?"
"That you're some kind of idiot who was fool enough to volunteer for some
experiments back on your home world, and now you've got some sort of
superhuman powers, and you're lost," grinned Kei.
Ed looked over at Yuri. "I bet she's REAL fun at parties, eh?"
"HEY!"
Yuri tried not to smile. "That's not important right now. But that's
about where Minerva had gotten to when you came in. If you would..?"
"Right. First let me check something. And try not to take this the
wrong way." He reached up and pulled his shirt off, exposing smooth bronze
skin. "Notice anything, Min?"
The ACI nodded. "No hair. None at all."
The two trouble consultants looked confused. "What's that got to do with
anything?"
"Ladies, normally I look like a fur rug from chin to groin." He waved at
his exposed chest, then put his shirt back on. Yuri looked a little grossed
out at the thought, and Kei mimed sticking a finger down her throat. That
earned her an annoyed look from him. "Anyway, this is what the spell did to
me. Which tells me, I think, what Coyote was trying to do. He was
attempting a blood kinship spell."
"What's that?" asked Yuri.
"He was trying to make the man fit the job, Yuri." Ed turned and poured
himself a drink. "Before you ask, Coyote is the embodyment of the Native
American spirit of trickery and cunning. But even spirits like to take some
time off the job, you know. Coyote especially. But he _can't_, without
getting someone to fill in for him. And it can't be just anyone."
"And _you're_ that special someone?" laughed Kei.
"I'm a blood relative, I have a certain amount of power, even if I don't
understand how to properly use it, and I'm available. Any _one_ of those is
true of a lot of people. All three of them at the same time? Only a few.
But I'm only _partially_ Native American, Kei. I'm related to that
happy-go-lucky idiot on my mother's side, but I have plenty of European
blood too." Ed stopped, and took a deep drink from his glass. "I'll wager
good money that's what the spell was _supposed_ to do, if we hadn't screwed
it up part way through."
"Make you a 'pure' Native American, you mean?" hazarded Yuri.
"Or a reasonably acceptable facsimile thereof. That's what I'm guessing.
See.. he wants a vacation, but he doesn't want to give up his powers and
privilages. He wants to have his cake and eat it, too. And the _only_ way
he can do that is to find someone who's acceptable for the job who ALSO has
powers of their own, so he doesn't have to surrender the power with the
position." Ed paused, and sat down. "Min? Any opinions or suggestions?"
"Finding this Coyote would be a start," interrupted Kei. "I say we find
him and start bending him until he puts things back to the way they were!"
"Surprising as it may seem, Kei, I agree. The trouble is _finding_ the
twisted little pervert. He can shapeshift into anything. Once, I chased
him into a gym, and he was caught in the form of a hedgehog, disgusing
himself as a sponge in the women's showers. And enjoying every minute of
it, too." He shrugged. "How do you find someone who can be anyone or
anything?"
"There has to be SOME way of tracking him!" Kei said angrily. "No one
can simply vanish without leaving SOMETHING behind! What about this..
'spell' he used? Can't it be traced? I don't know about magic, but there
has to be some sort of energy involved, and _that_ can be measured."
Minerva looked startled. "She's right, b'wana. I can use the same
filters I used to spot Charcoal and Twister! Any sustained release of
magical energy should show up as a hot spot."
"Why do I suddenly feel incredibly dense?" asked Ed rhetorically. He
held up one hand. "No, don't answer that. I already know. Min? Full
scan, entire planet. Ball of twine mode."
She nodded, and stabbed a black-lacquered fingernail at the coffee table
in the center of the room. A basketball-sized hologram of Repose appeared
above it. "We should see exactly where he is in just.. a.. moment?"
To their surprise, the city they were in was covered with small red
specks. Minerva's eyes widened, then she startled Ed by swearing. "I
should have known, blast him! Every single one of us affected by the spell
is showing up on the scan. Between his spell, and its feeding off of the
boss's power, the whole city's lit up like a christmas tree!"
Frowning, she turned back to Ed. "Which reminds me, that spell shouldn't
have had any effect on you.. even Vallana had to cast her spells on me, not
you. Why didn't your immunity hold?"
"I think it did, pretty lady. He wasn't trying to harm me, and that
spell was one of blood kinship. Anything he might do to me would affect
him, too. No threat, no reason to resist it, see?"
"So there was nothing to defend you against, really." Minerva hmmm'ed.
"That should mean something significant, but I'm not certain what."
"Does that mean we can't find him?" interjected Yuri.
"No," replied Ed. "Just that we're gonna have to out-think him, rather
than out-tech him." He looked around the room. "I believe your friend there
could use a stiff drink."
"She probably could," agreed Yuri. "I think she took things rather
hard."
Ed snarked loudly. "Oh? I can't imagine why.. people get turned into
living cartoons every day, don't they?"
Minerva gently bapped him on the nose with a fingertip. "Be nice, boss."
He nodded, fixing another drink and handing it to Yuri. "For your
friend.. uhh.. what's her name? I know you two, but she's a new one on
me."
"Maybe not, Captain. The Central Computer seems to think that you and
Zen might be from the same reality," Yuri commented as she gently poured the
drink between the squirrel's lips. Zen sputtered and coughed as some of the
drink when down the wrong pipe. "Or that's what the information it gave us
seems to indicate."
Shaking his head, Ed rejected the first thought that came to him. *Nope.
No way. Nuh-uh. Couldn't be. Fate isn't _that_ cruel. The Fan Fiction
Mailing List couldn't follow me _this_ far. Besides, Zen was a guy.* He
coughed.
"Excuse me? The CC actually has information on me? I find that rather
difficult to accept, given that I'm even not native to this reality."
"Tell that to the CC," smirked Kei. "We got a file that describes you
pretty closely. Added to that, some guy ran up to us before we took off
after you and handed us a file just chock full of.. in..for..ma..tion.."
Her voice trailed off slowly. The light dawned. "That was him!!"
She turned and grabbed Yuri, shaking her and spilling the drink over Zen.
"That was him! The guy at the spaceport. The punk who handed us the other
file! That was him in the garden!" She snarled viciously. "He's a DEAD
MAN!"
With a deadpan expression, Ed lifted one eyebrow. "Join the club. Now
get in line and wait your turn."
* * *
Zen woke to moisture spilling over her (this was nothing particularly
new to her since the curse, however) and looked up into Yuri's transformed
face. She groaned, and put a paw to her head. "So it wasn't a dream...?"
Yuri shook her head. "Zen is now a comic book animal?" Yuri nodded.
"Oboy..."
From where he was sitting, Ed groaned. *Oh, gods.. why _me_?* The
speech patterns matched the writing almost perfectly. "Excuse me, but...
Zen, weren't you male?"
Zen sat up slowly, a confused look on her face. "Zen *can* become
male, but is not so keen on getting poached alive... Besides, the Worlds
Welfare Works Association only accepts females as field agents."
Ed was incredulous. "You *like* working for the 3WA?"
"Zen prefers to learn, and to be useful." The squirrel's tone grew a
little defensive. "And yes, Zen also likes being a member of the Lovely
Angels. Zen is looking forward to finishing her training, and getting her
license as a full fledged trouble consultant."
Minerva looked at her lover's suffering face and quietly tranmitted,
{Calmly B'wana. You _have_ run into others from the list before.}
{Min, I don't mind meeting other writers. For that matter, it gives me
something to talk about. And I _enjoyed_ meeting Megazone, Gryphon, Doc Mui
and the others when I wound up on New Avalon. But I would prefer to avoid
it with Coyote running around, especially with _this_ trouble consultant
team and a would-be gun toting homicidal maniac. Can you believe that there
is someone who actually _wants_ to be part of what's arguably the worst
disaster team in the multiverse?}
{You _said_ you wanted a life full of adventure and purpose.}
{That's hitting below the belt, pretty lady.}
{It's still true, though.}
Ed sighed and pulled his mind back to more urgent matters. "So you _are_
the Zen I knew from the anime community on the Internet?"
"Zen believes so, if the hints that the Central Computer gave out held
any truth to them. Or at least someone _close_ to that. If Zen is not
mistaken, there is a certain potential for overlap between parallel
realities. But can we discuss that later?" She stood up and wobbled over to
examine herself in the suite's full length mirror. "Does anyone have ANY
idea WHY Zen is now a furry little animal? Or has Zen's curse simply lost
its tiny little mind and thinks that it's the curse from the 'Spring of
Drowned Anthropomorphic Squirrel'?"
Kei moved up behind Zen, her tail lashing in irritation. "Ask
Testosterone Man over here. He tried something when the jerk in the leather
jacket interfered, and then the world went crazy."
"She's right," grunted Ed. "But as for part of your question, I think
that spell was intended for me, and it was trying to make me.. well, 'fit'
into a purpose he had for me. And it was doing so by bringing out the
innermost nature of the 'victim', so to speak."
"So Zen's innermost nature is that of the Amiga Computer spokes-
squirrel?!" squeaked the offended student trouble consultant. Zen shook her
head and muttered. "But Zen was always a Mac person..."
"Well, it's what the *spell* 'thought' was your innermost nature,"
responded Minerva. "And in this case, that's what you became. And what we
all became, with the exception of my Boss." She pointed at Ed. "He was
formed a little closer to his ancestery."
"Some of it, anyway." Ed looked back over to Zen. "Time for talk later.
Kei is right. We have to find Coyote and bend him til he screams.
Otherwise, this mess is just going to get worse minute by minute."
"But where can he be? There's a whole planet for him to hide in,"
grumbled Kei.
Zen's eyes brightened. "The best place for anyone to hide is the last
place anyone would look."
Kei snorted. "That makes absolutely no sense, Zen."
Minerva raised a hand. "No, actually, that does have meaning. Normally,
we have preconceptions about where we think someone would hide. If Coyote
knows where we'd usually look, that's where he _wouldn't_ hide." She
frowned. "Now, the trouble is, trying to figure out where we WOULDN'T look,
and look there. How do you figure out where your blind spots are when, by
definition, blind spots can't be seen?"
All five people in the room looked blank.
Yuri spoke up first. "Wait.. you said it was because of preconceptions,
right?" Minerva nodded. "Well," continued Yuri, "Why not try doing an
elimination? List all the places you know _you'd_ look, then all the places
Captain Ed here would look, and start by crossing those off the list?"
"No. Not that.. a Zwicky search!" Ed blurted out. "Use a full bank of
processors, Min, and run it in multiple dimensions. Five at least. More,
if you can afford to divert enough ghosts to handle the task."
She nodded, then her face went totally blank. Ed caught her, and gently
guided her to a seat.
"Zwicky search?" asked Yuri curiously.
"It's a type of search no human could normally do, Yuri. It takes too
many simultaneous thought tracks. But Minerva can. The best human geniuses
I've known could sustain three trains of thought at the same time. Min can
do sixty-four, paying full attention to each one. And if she runs multiple
incarnations of herself in parallel, she can exceed that by a considerable
number." He looked at the pale woman in the chair, concern written on his
face. "The problem is, running a human body take a great deal of effort.
More effort than most people realize. She can't pay attention to this body
while she's running a full scale, full speed search using all assets. And
the sudden urge to start drinking blood isn't helping her any."
"Then why does she do it?" asked Kei.
"She has her reasons," he replied curtly. He looked over to Zen. "I
guess it's time for the dropping of masks. You're Zen? As in 'Bitter End'
and 'Long and Winding Road'? I'm Edward Becerra."
Zen shrugged. "Used to be, anyway." She looked at him oddly. "Ed
Becerra? The author of those Sonic the Hedgehog stories?"
"Arrrrgh! I KNEW those damned things were going to haunt me," Ed moaned.
"Thousands of light years, dozens of decades, and God knows HOW many levels
of reality from home, and those damned stories are still following me around
like a decaying albatross."
"Don't feel bad," replied Zen. "They weren't bad for a first effort.
Zen rather dislikes her own initial attempts at writing."
"A-heh. I see that your revengefic was more revenge than fic, Zen." He
rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "I take it that part three of 'Long and
Winding Road' is going to take a little while longer to finish than its fans
suspect, eh?"
Zen nodded and sighed, her tail twitching nervously. "It might at
that... But this time it's not Zen's fault! Zen can only hope that they'll
be patient..."
Ed raised an eyebrow. "Good thing you've got the.. ahh.. Lovely Angels
here. If you stall the mailing list much longer, the Ukyou fans are going
to hunt you down and try to chain you to a word processor."
"Probably," agreed the squirrel. "But thankfully, it's a very long
trip." She grinned wryly. "Besides, Zen suspects the same would apply to
your fans, Ed."
Ed snorted. "What fans?"
At that moment, Minerva opened her eyes, sitting up in the chair. "Boss?
I think I have something. But no one's going to like this."
"What is it?" Ed asked.
"You'd better damp out the room first, Boss. You never know who might be
listening."
He nodded, and Zen felt an odd shudder sweep through her frame.
"I can't push it out too far, Min.. but I've damped things enough. If
that idiot's using a spell to watch us, he just got cut off. And if he
tried to push his way through, I'll feel it." Ed rubbed his chin
thoughtfully. "You know, if I _really_ pushed it, it might affect Zen's
curse."
"Now's not the time to experiment. Anyway, the reason I asked is that
you're not going to like the results, none of you."
Ed blinked. "That bad?"
"Boss, there are exactly _two_ places on this planet that are capable of
masking Coyote's magical signature, and the people who own those places are
right here in this room."
That statement drew a sharp response from the four other people in the
room. "WHAT?!"
Minerva nodded. "The Lovely Angel and myself are two of the strongest
concentrations of probability-altering power currently on the planet. The
Lovely Angel because Kei and Yuri spend so much time aboard it; and myself,
because of you, boss."
"He isn't-" began Ed.
"No. As soon as I realized this, I went to full intruder alert, boss.
There's nothing living on board me larger than a microbe. Which means, of
course-"
"-That the son-of-a-bitch is aboard our ship!" screeched an infuriated
Kei. She grabbed for her communicator, only to find Yuri's hand restraining
her. "Wha...? We gotta warn Mughi, Yuri!"
"And warn Coyote too?" pointed out the brunette.
"Then what can we do?!" demanded Kei.
Yuri held up one hand. "Quiet, please." Touching her earring, she called
the 'Lovely Angel'. "Mughi, you there?"
"<growf?>"
"We've got another lead on where Edwards is hiding, so we probably won't
be back to the ship for several hours. We'll let you know." She paused for
a moment, then continued. "Want us to pick you up a couple pounds of fresh
spoo?"
"<growf!>"
"Okay. And we'll make certain it's fresh. See you in six hours, Mughi."
Yuri let go of her earring nodded, satisfied. "Coyote's there."
Ed frowned. "How did you get that?"
"Mughi HATES spoo. Fresh or otherwise. He wouldn't feed it to his worst
enemy," Yuri smiled. "Coyote's there, and Mughi knows it, but couldn't say
anything."
"Smooth," said Ed admiringly. "And the lecherous idiot doesn't even know
he's been fingered."
"Yeah," said Kei. "But how do we nail him, if he can just go *poof* and
vanish on us, using.. magic." She pronounced the last word as if it left a
slightly sour taste in her mouth.
"I can take care of that. But Zen will need something else to wear."
"Huh? Uh.. Ara... Beg pardon? Why would Zen need something else to
wear?" asked the squirrel.
Minerva was giving her boss a sharp look. "You're going to try it again,
aren't you."
He shrugged. "It worked before, it'll work again. I just have to be
careful to avoid overdoing it, pretty lady."
"I know better than to try and talk you out of it when you're intent on
doing something like this, so I'm not even going to bother. I'll get the
gear ready."
She bobbed her head, blinking, and a bluish shimmer appeared in the suite
directly before her. It condensed into a neatly stacked pile of equipment.
Ed rolled his eyes and muttered in Zen's direction, "I never should have
let her watch those 'I Dream of Jeannie' reruns." Zen merely giggled.
"Iron shackles and leg irons, check. Iron is four nines, check.
Jumpsuit for Zen, woven from unstable molecules, check." Min nodded in
satisfaction.
"Four nines?" wondered Yuri aloud.
"99.9999% pure. Four nines past the decimal point. It's one of the few
things that'll hold Coyote," Minerva explained. "Sometimes the old legends
have a strong basis in fact. Pure iron will often act as a barrier to the
non-material types. But it's softer than steel, which is why I made them so
massive."
Yuri nodded. "So, once we get him in the shackles, he's harmless. But
how are we supposed to _get_ him into the shackles to begin with?"
"That's what I'll arrange," interjected Ed. "Don't worry, when I'm
through he won't be any stronger than a normal human. So the three of you
should be able to take him and get him into these."
"What _are_ you going to do?" asked Kei suspiciously.
"That's.. difficult to explain, Kei. I know you have no reason to trust
me, but this is something you have to SEE to understand. Words just won't
work." He frowned. "I know it's asking a LOT, to say the least, but that's
all I can do at the moment. And Zen had better wear this jumpsuit, rather
than a battle bikini."
"Oh?" asked Zen, curiously.
"I'm just guessing here, but I suspect that you might change in the
middle of things." He turned to Minerva. "And _you_ are going to get out of
range, pretty lady. Your body was forged with magic. I don't want you to
take any chances."
Zen nodded and took the jumpsuit, heading for the bathroom. When she
emerged, she pulled at the cloth. "Zen looks as if she just escaped from an
episode of Dragonball Z." The former fanfic author looked at Minerva. "Was
that deliberate?"
Minerva smiled slyly. "A little levity now and then never hurts." She
turned to Ed. "I'll go intangible, sneak out of the docking bay and pull
the 'Calypso' back about 10,000 meters. Satisfied?"
"20,000 meters, and maintain a high state of readiness on the jump
drives." He gave her a hard glance. "If it even _looks_ like things _might_
be getting ugly, I want you _out_ of here. Clear?"
"I understand," said the ACI.
"That's not what I wanted to hear, Min" he replied.
She sighed. "I understand and will comply with my orders, sir."
"Good. I don't want you hurt." He looked around the room at the three
trouble consultants. "Now, what say we go kick some spiritual ass!?"
* * *