I can't hold it back any longer. Here it is. I posted this earlier
today, then I revised it heavily, and now am posting it. Expect
sequels. Be warned. C&Cs and all are encouraged. Flames are for now,
just tell me why I'm the incarnation of evil for making Shampoo do
that. Now, lets roll tape again!
Shampoo, Alone Part 1:
"Bi Lao Again"
by Tenkawa Akito
The restaurant was silent. No valued customers, no annoying
drunks, no shape changing martial artists other than myself disturbed
the sunlight falling into the dining room. Great-grandmother was out
for the week, buying ingredients from the outlying provinces. And he
was at school. I know, I saw him pass through those gates, actually
arm in arm with that girl that does nothing but hurt him. I just
wanted see him, to say hello, and he brushed me off like I was that
deranged Kuno! One little misguided food altering incident and
anything I cook for him is evil.
Small particles of dust dance on the table tops, each alone.
Like me.
SNAP OUT OF IT SHAMPOO! Wake up! What is wrong with you today?
Where's your energy? Your pep? Did
you leave it in the bath this morning?
"Shampoo no have time for bath today. Busy with Ranma."
'No time.'
'Busy with Ranma.'
No time for anything, really. Just kill Ranma, or marry Ranma, or
whatever. No time to even actually feel towards Ranma. Just dress up
the Shampoo doll and tie down the hair and go beat up his fiances, or
him, or something. Or even come up with a creative plan to get close
to him. Like powder that can turn him back into a man. Or a jewel
that can change his emotions. No, those weren't my ideas. Those were
Great-Grandmothers.
* * *
"He beat you? Then we must do everything in our power to win him
over?"
"But Shampoo no want win him!"
"You know the Amazon Law. You must chase him to the ends of the
Earth and make him your husband."
"But, Great-Grandmother, he special! No should just slap on
magic spell and make him husband!"
"Oh, Shampoo, I agree that to take time, to let him get to know
you would be better, but you don't have time for that! You're not
getting any younger, and do you really think you have a chance against
Akane or even Ukyo? I don't!"
"Violent psycho girl or Pervert Girl? But Shampoo cute Chinese
girl!"
"So? You have no choice. Forget just trying to get him to go on
a date with you. These heir looms are the only things that give you
any sort of edge. It is your duty as my heir to the Jusenkyo Amazon
Tribe not to dishonor me!"
"Yes, Great-Grandmother..."
* * *
But I never stopped trying. If only he could have looked behind
this stupid mask I've been forced to wear, maybe then...
Dammit, Shampoo snap out of it. I know what will cheer you up.
Grabbing a bucket and a handful of cooling Ramen noodles, I head
for the back room.
* * *
Mousse stood hunched over a pile of barrels, trying desperately
decipher Cologne's handwriting so he could sort them.
"Stupid old bag, one day, after Shampoo is my wife, I will tell
her a thing or two! I'll enroll her in the most exhaustive
handwriting course ever. That'll show her."
"What you say Mousse?"
He jumped up and turned around. "Ah! Shampoo, I didn't hear you
come in. I'm almost done sorting this food shipment from Cologne.
Oh," he noticed the strange expression on her face, "are you all right
my love?"
"Shampoo just fine," she said. "Time for bath."
"Okay, I'll go warm up the water for you."
"Not what Shampoo meant," she said as she tossed the bucket of
cold water at him. She tried to smile as he tried to get out from
underneath his wet robes. When Mousse finally succeeded she grabbed
the master of hidden weapons turned duck and began playing with his
feathers. He was soft, as always, but somehow she just wasn't looking
for a cute cuddly stuffed animal. It hit to close to home.
"Mousse fetch!" she said as she tossed some of the noodles in a
random direction.
She forced herself to laugh when the now avian Amazon crashed
into the barrels and said to herself, "Stupid Mousse."
The dazed duck looked at her through the flying cats circling his
head and managed to make out her big smile even without his glasses.
He lay back, happy to let unconsciousness take him, for he had once
again cheered up his Shampoo.
* * *
Stupid Mousse, why can't you cheer me up today? Maybe its as I
was reading not long ago, that to be happy people need affection to
balance negativity. Thats something I know I could get from Mousse,
but I don't think I'd like deal with the repercussions of leading him
on.
Oh well, maybe it is time for me to take a bath. There's nothing
a little soap and shampoo can't make better.
An hour later I sit naked in front of a mirror in my room. Great
Grandmother has always told me to be cautious around mirrors, that
they can be dangerous. Judging from what I see in the reflection
there is no need to be afraid.
Its just a girl. A pretty girl, but she's probably a bimbo. We
can tell from the way she talks and dresses. Her long hair and large
chest make it a dead giveaway. There's nothing going on inside her
skull.
But she sure is pretty. Her hair is healthy and beautiful,
though some might say purple is an odd color. Her breasts are large,
but not to the point that she looks like a celluloid injected anime
character. The kind of breasts that easily earn her cat-calls from way
too many guys on the street. She has hands surprisingly soft for one
so skilled in the Amazon Art of Fighting. She has deep brown eyes, big
deep brown eyes, deep big sad happy brown eyes peering out from behind
her painted face. Nobody ever looks at her eyes though, they look at
her chest, or her face, or her hands and say she is a pretty girl.
The kind of girl who would never want for a husband.
"If Shampoo such pretty girl, how come no want Shampoo except
blind duck?"
She can cook, she can clean, she can fight like an enraged tiger.
She can dress, manage business, and lead a small group of warriors in
guerilla style tactics. She has spent her life training, becoming the
perfect woman and the perfect warrior so that she can marry the
perfect man.
"Perfect man show up, no want Shampoo. Would rather have Violent
Psycho Girl."
I can do everything that this girl in the mirror can. And I can
do more. Without even a thought I plunge a fist into it, into her,
smashing the girl that is there, smashing her painted doll face. The
perfect woman machine. She has failed, and I guess it is my turn now.
Later, I wash the shards of glass from my hand and wrap it in a
red silk cloth. Great Grandmother was wrong, while the mirror can
hurt it is nothing to fear.
I pack a small bag, and taking a few changes in clothes, some
food, and all of the money that is left in Nekohanten's safe- not an
inconsiderable amount. I
grab a few mementos and a few of Great-Grandmother's "tools to catch
the one you love" and those go in the bag too. I take the two
Bonborri staffs that have served me for such a long time and fasten
them to the bag.
Finally, I take a small pad of paper and begin writing. The note
is succinct, but well written. I write much better than I speak. It
is for him, and ends with the words I once spoke to him a long time
ago. "Bi Lao." I think I mean it this time.
Standing outside the building, I feel little regret at my choice.
Those who know me might be surprised, but then I guess they never
knew me. After I drop of this note, my ties here will be undone.
Today, the Nekohanten closes its doors forever. Great-Grandmother can
have it, can have it all. I've waited long enough for Ranma, or for
something, and I can wait no longer.
"Shampoo moves into future, alone."
Coming Sometime Soon I Hope:
Shampoo, Alone Part 2:
Repercussions
Author's Notes:
We don't do that yet. There are plans for upgrading the software to
do that in the future though.
==
"I was so blind. Because I loved it so much, I only watched my favorite parts."
-Pilot Tenkawa Akito on Blazing Robo Gekiganger-3
When it doubt, go existential.
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