Gratuitous Self
Part 8: Revenge is Best Served with a Side Dish of Fries
Templar had a strip of cloth with the words 'Write or DIE'
around his head, apparently (and unwittingly) borrowing from the
Takezo school of writing fanfics. He was also borrowing considerably
from the Kojiro Sasaki school of retaliation by writing this
particular fic.
It was a retaliation fic.
"Yes, yes," he said to no one in particular,. "Pretty soon, I
shall have my revenge on both of you heathens..." He chuckled to
himself, quietly at first, then slowly louder and louder, until his
roommate started staring at him weirdly.
Roommate?
The Fallen Leader of the Holy Crusaders of Nabiki Tendo had a
roommate?
Yes, that's right folks, underneath those formal trappings and
regal descs on the MUCKs and #iRC channels lay a struggling college
student. An intellectual snob, maybe, a little geeky, perhaps, but a
college student, nonetheless. Ah, the magic of the Net, where you
could be the ugliest person in the whole world and have a virtual
relationship with another pseudo-dashing person who, if you looked
through the phone lines and server connections and popped out of that
person's monitor, you would discover to be the SECOND ugliest person
in the world.
"Hey, 'J', aren't you done yet? I've got a thesis to write!"
the wonderful roommate of the year award winner complained. He was a
writer's nightmare to describe, because he was so nondescript. His
face was nondescript. His hair was nondescript. The way he dressed was
so damn nondescript. The man was a Gray Man, in Robert Jordan terms.
He was the kind of guy you would overlook even if you were the only
two people left on the earth and you hadn't seen a human being in
twenty-five years. And you were both on a desert island. That was five
feet across. And had only one coconut tree, which... er...
Where was I? Oh, yeah...
Templar, or 'J', rather, was still banging away at the keyboard
like a madman. Which he very nearly was, actually. "Not now, John," he
said. "Not when my revenge is so close! So close I can almost taste
it!"
Yes, Mr. Roommate of the Year was named John Smith. Why? What's
so special about being named John Smith?
That's precisely it. It's nothing special. Don't believe me?
I dare you to look for your Third Grade classmate named John
Smith, armed with nothing but a phonebook of the greater New York
area.
"Suit yourself," John said. Of all the nutbars in this
university, I had to end up with the stupid Reese's piece.
And so, amid the incessant clicking and mad laughter and ranting
about tasting the victim's blood and sweat and other, nastier bodily
fluids, John Smith number 382,925 tried to get some sleep.
Templar, or 'J' if you prefer (frankly, I prefer 'J'. Easier to
type.) had already planned out the entire thing.
'Turning Road 7: You Will All Die, Heathens!!!' starts out with
Kuno and Akane going on a date, and Ranma would arrive as the pig-
tailed girl, trying to tempt Kuno, and Takezo and Nabiki would watch
from a corner, plotting to drive the couple apart, and Kojiro and Ukyo
would arrive, then Ukyo would run out at the sight of Nabiki and
Takezo together, then Takezo would stand up, giving chase to Ukyo, but
then the doorway would be blocked by this mysterious samurai with an
eyepatch over his left eye, who would, uh... It'd be better to do this
by excerpt.
=====
"You... heathen! You shall die by my blade!"
"Oh, yes, milord! Please bring me an honorable death!" Takezo
said as he bowed beneath the samurai's katana."
"I shall bring you to rest, heathen," the samurai said as with
one deft slice, so skillfully done and with such precise...
[excerpt cut short due to long-windedness and gratuitous self-
gratification]
"And you, Kojiro Sasaki! Shall you return to the fold or must I
cleanse your filthy soul with my divine blade? You are filth. I shall
cleanse."
"No, milord, I shall bow before your superior might... "
[blah blah blah]
"Oh, who art thou, oh dashing samurai?"
"Oh, fair maiden? You ask my name? I am deeply honored to be
addressed by such a goddess as yourself."
"Oh, you flatter me, dear sir."
"Oh, no milady. It is I whom you flatter"
[and several more 'Oh, (insert cheesy line here)'s later.]
And so, the dashing samurai and the beautiful goddess walked off
into the sunset...
=====
"Yes! YES! My revenge is now complete! Now to post it on the
mailing list!"
"Shut up! I'm trying to get some sleep here, you twit!"
"Hmph. Philistine." 'J' (or Templar. Whatever.) turned on his
mail client, sifted through several fanfics which he really didn't
care about (lacking sorely in Nabiki appearances), and started to
post...
Wait. Wait wait wait wait... wait... What was that last fic?
"NO!!! NonononononoNOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" 'J' took out a mallet
from out of... somewhere (the back closet, to be precise -- what'd you
expect? Hammerspace?) and was about to mallet the poor, innocent PC
when he himself got hammered by John. John Smith. Shaken and damn
stirred.
"WILL YOU KEEP IT DOWN YOU IDIOT!!! What do you think you're
doing? I still need to do my thesis on this PC, you know!"
Pushing away 'J' now-catatonic form, John sat down in front of
the terminal. "What the heck are you so freaked out about, anyway?" He
looked at the highlighted message.
"Sender: Takezo Musashi. Subject: Turning Road Part 7 - Oh, What
a Tangled Web We Weave... Alright! He finally posted part 7! I LOVE
this series!"
=====
Kuno and Akane were having a lively discussion about nothing in
particular. The kind of discussion a couple usually has on a first
date.
The caf� was cozy. That was the best way to describe it. It had
a homey kind of feel to it, like an old house, which made it a rarity
in the usually stainless steel and ceramic world of modern Japanese
design. The seats were wooden and looked like the kind your
grandmother would usually sit in. The tabletops were wooden, too, and
several things like fishing rods and old signposts lined the wall.
Suddenly, a pig-tailed girl in a frilly pink dress and wide-
brimmed straw hat entered through the front door. She daintily walked
down the aisles between tables, looking through long lashes at all the
boys staring at her, giggling every so often. She made her way to Kuno
and Akane's window seat, and said in a voice that reminded some of
glass summer chimes, "Oh, Ku--no!"
=====
"And Ranma is up to his old tricks," said John.
=====
Akane's face twisted in disgust. Not again, she thought to
herself. What is it with Ranma? Why is he doing all this just to ruin
our date?
"Oh, it's the pig-tailed girl," said Kuno. He smiled slightly,
and said, "Nice dress."
Ranma giggled. "You like it, Kuno-chan?"
"Oh, yes, quite. It suits you nicely."
"This is disgusting," the man in the corner booth said. He was
in a trench coat and a pair of shades, much like the woman he was
sitting across of.
"You're telling me. Ranma's making a complete fool out of
himself again," the woman said.
The man put down his cup of coffee. "You think this'll work?"
"I don't know," the woman replied. "Ranma's deeper in hock for
this little plan of his."
The man grinned and lifted the nosepiece of his shades with his
index finger. "I remember."
-----
"Please, Nabiki, I need to borrow one of your dresses for this!"
And once again, like that one time last Christmas, Ranma was in
Nabiki's room, sitting cross-legged on the floor. Nabiki was, again,
sitting on her bed.
Nabiki shook her head. "I'm sorry, Ranma, but I can't lend you
any more clothes. You got my last one all dirty, as I recall."
"How was I supposed to know Ryoga would get all touchy-feely
with me? Besides, I washed that dress!"
"Nevertheless, Ranma, none of my clothes can be lent anymore."
Ranma raised an eyebrow. "But..? There's got to be a catch
somewhere, right?"
"However," she continued, ignoring Ranma's remark, "they ARE for
rent."
"So what the heck makes it any different from last time?!"
"What kind of dress would you want?" Again ignoring Ranma's
remark.
"I... mumble mumble..."
"What was that?"
"I SAID I WANT A FRILLY DRESS! YOU HAPPY NOW?!"
"Hey, hey! No need to be so touchy! Geez!" She walk over to her
closet and opened it. Strangely, she seemed like she was nodding as
she did so. Then she took out a disgustingly frilly and lacy pink
dress. "I'm sure you'll look adorable in this, cutie!"
"Aw, shut up," Ranma snapped as he reached for the dress.
Nabiki held it back. "Ranma..."
"Okay, okay! I owe you 5000 yen!"
"Wrong, Ranma. You owe me 5000 yen MORE."
"Whatever. Give me that." He snatched the dress from Nabiki and
stormed out of the room.
"Enjoy your frilly dress, Ranma!" Nabiki called out as the door
shut. She sat back down and turned to the closet. "Well?" she said.
The closet door opened, and Takezo stepped out, recorder in
hand. He chuckled. "I wonder how much he'd pay to make sure this
didn't ever see the light of day?" He pressed the 'play' button. [I
SAID I WANT A FRILLY DRESS! YOU HAPPY NOW?] He stopped the recorder
and put it into his back pocket.
"He's so easy to manipulate," Nabiki said.
"Yes, but are you sure this'll work?" Takezo said.
"I hope it does, but you never can tell. This is the new Kuno,
after all."
They were silent for a moment, then Takezo said, "Nabiki."
Nabiki turned to face him. "What is it?"
"Why do you trust me? We're supposed to be enemies, as you
recall."
She was paused for a moment, as if looking for the right words.
Then she spoke. "Precisely."
"What? What do you mean?"
"We're enemies. That's why I trust you." She stood up and looked
out the window, back turned to Takezo. "You can never tell if or when
a stranger or a friend will stab you in the back. At least, since
you're my enemy, I know for sure that you will, sooner or later. At
least I can count on that. At least I can trust you to do that."
Takezo stared after Nabiki. "Nabiki..."
-----
An uneasy silence passed between the two of them as they
remembered.
Takezo and Nabiki both took up their cups and sipped their
coffee at the same time.
"Hey!" Kojiro exclaimed, in another corner booth. "What's the
big idea? What's Takezo doing, acting all chummy with my girlfriend?!"
"Ask me if I care," Ukyo said flatly as she took a sip of her
iced coffee.
"So, Kuno," Ranma was saying, "why don't we leave this dump and
go somewhere more private where we can be alone with each other?"
"You're getting this all on tape, right?" Nabiki said.
"Yep," Takezo answered, pointing to the cleverly hidden
recorder/napkin holder on Kuno's table.
"No, I don't think so," Kuno said. "At least not right now. I'm
in the middle of a date."
Is my natural sex appeal failing me? Ranma thought. Is it my
breath? Is it my teeth? Is something stuck in my teeth?
"It's not that I don't find you attractive," Kuno continued.
"It's just that, well, it'd be rude if I just left Akane here like
that. Right, Akane?"
Akane could do nothing but smile weakly and nod.
"So," Kuno finished, "if it's not too much to ask, kindly leave
us alone for a while, Ranma."
=====
John stared at the screen in shock. "Wh-what?!"
=====
Akane looked at Kuno in surprise.
Ranma fared no better. In fact, he was totally incoherent at
this point. "Uh... gaah... g-g-gaah... gaah...graah..."
"I think what he means to say is, Kuno," Akane said, "You...
You knew?"
"Of course," Kuno said. "I'm not stupid, you know."
"Oh, great," Takezo said, sighing. "Now what?"
"Well," Nabiki said, "if all else fails, I guess we can always
bonk him on the head."
"I have a feeling that's going to be easier said than done,
now."
"What? That pig-tailed girl is Ranma?" Kojiro exclaimed.
"Where were you when they handed out the brains?" Ukyo sighed.
Ranma marched into the kitchen. "Gimme hot water!" he shouted at
one of the cooks.
"I wonder what the problem is," Kuno said to Akane.
So do I, she thought silently.
=====
"And now the kit gloves come off," John said, munching on a bag
of popcorn he had brought to the computer.
"You..." 'J' was saying, finally coming to, "you are reading the
satanic verses..."
"Ah, shaddup," John said as he hammered 'J' for a second time,
sending him back to la-la-land.
=====
The caf� was cozy. That was the best way to describe it. It had
a homey kind of feel to it, like an old house, which made it a rarity
in the usually stainless steel and ceramic world of modern Japanese
design. The seats were wooden and looked like the kind your
grandmother would usually sit in. The tabletops were wooden, too, and
several things like fishing rods and old signposts lined the wall.
Consequently, Ranma looked totally out of place when he finally
re-entered in his Chairman Mao outfit, complete with matching red star
cap. "Yo! Kuno! Let's take this outside!" he shouted as he stormed
towards Kuno and Akane's table, cracking his knuckles.
"Ra.. Ranma?" Akane looked puzzled as she watched Ranma. Then...
she suddenly grinned mischievously. Oh, now I get it, she thought.
Kuno simply turned to Ranma and said, "Hey, Ranma. What can I do
for you now?"
"What can I... Look here! You are dating my fianc�e! Am I
supposed to stand back and let you do that?" Ranma fumed.
"Ranma..." Akane started, but then Kuno stopped her with a calm
raise of his hand.
"Ranma," he said, "I'm a man of honor. That hasn't changed. So,
let me put it this way." He shrugged. "Just to make it formal, okay?"
Everyone in the restaurant was staring at them now; in
particular, the couple dressed in trench coats and shades, seated in
a corner booth.
"This looks bad," Takezo said, as he took a sip of his coffee.
"I know, I know," Nabiki answered, putting down her own cup.
"Let's just see how this turns out, okay?"
"Okay," Ranma said. "What are the terms?"
"Simple," Kuno said. "All you have to do is tell Akane you love
and I'll never bother her again."
Takezo nearly spat out his coffee. "Wh-what?!"
"That's it," Nabiki said. "He's finished."
=====
John finished reading, wiping a bead of sweat from his forehead.
"That was incredible! Damn you, Takezo! How dare you leave such a
cliffhanger!"
'J' jumped up, fist raised. "That's right! Damn the heathen! May
the Goddess strike you down!"
John hammered 'J' again. "That's not what I meant you idiot!"
"Look at this," Takezo pointed to the monitor. "Another
dissatisfied customer."
"Well," Bob said, "you left them at a cliffhanger. What do you
expect?"
"Hmm." Takezo read the message. "'Great work, but HOW DARE YOU
LEAVE US HANGING LIKE THIS?! I demand that you finish part 8 right
this instant!' I'm trying, okay? Just wanted some dramatic tension."
"What's this?" Bob pointed at a fanfic post. "A Simpson's-Mecha
crossover? 'Springfield Elementary School becomes a base for three
mecha that combine to form the Mighty Invincible Robot GAIJIN-OH?!'
Now THAT'S obscure!"
"You want obscure?" Takezo scrolled back up a few messages.
"Check this one out! 'Taimu Turaberu TondeRanman! Ranma, searching for
hot water, discovers a talking teakettle that turns out to be a time
machine that brings him back to the peak of the Musk Dynasty!'"
"Wow! Either there's this outpouring of people watching obscure
anime..."
"Or TimeRunner's been watching too much anime on TV again." Both
Bob and Takezo give hooded looks to... er... Hi, guys.
Eheh... I think it's time to end this installment. They've
spotted me.
In Part 9: Face-off! Can Ranma finally tell Akane he loves her?
*pikupiku* Naaah. All we can really hope for is for more trouble for
Takezo! Yeah! Yeah! We want Takezo to suffer! All for the sake of the
enjoyment of us, the Readers! You who are about to die, we salute you!
And now, an extremely difficult installment of:
The Gratuitous Scorecard!
Gray Man: 5 pts. (just a warm-up, people)
Musk Dynasty - 5 pts. Warm up, people...
"You are filth. I shall cleanse." - 10 pts. Warmed up, yet?
"Hmph, Philistine." - name the comic where one character says this on
a regular basis, 10 pts! And 10 more for the character's name!
"Gaijin-Oh" 20 pts!!!
"Time Travel TondeRanman" - another 20 pts!!!
And finally, the 30 point bonus question: What does 'J' stand for?!
Good luck, and watch out for part 9!!!
TimeRunner, May 28, 1997
=====
TimeRunner's Page:
http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Towers/7482
icq: 7153134 (Keiichi)
=====
"The story grew in the most convoluted way, as many people will be
surprised to learn. Writing episodically meant that when I finished one
episode I had no idea about what the next one would contain. When, in the
twists and turns of the plot, some event suddenly seemed to illuminate
things that had gone before, I was as surprised as anyone else."
--- Douglas Adams, "A Guide to the Guide"
"Mos people who want to be writers don't really want to be writers. They
want to HAVE BEEN writers."
--- James A. Michener