Chapter 2: "Oh, Darling!"
Ranma 1/2 created by Rumiko Tashashi, (c) 1993. Used without permission.
This is the final draft (hopefully). Comments, criticisms, "mstings", etc. 
are very much appreciated. I hope you enjoy this 'fic as much as I had 
writing it.
<...> indicates thought. {...} indicates Chinese dialogue. [...] indicates 
words read on a sign.
-------
("Oh, Brother!" Opening Theme Song: "Jugyouchuu no Shougakkou" aka "In the 
Middle of Class of Elementary School." More details at 11.)
(It's the next day. We see Kasumi, Nabiki, Akane, Andrew & Ranma eating 
breakfast.)
Ranma: Say, where's Pops?
Kasumi: He took Father out to eat this morning. Father's not suppose to eat 
until he reveals to us who is our father!
Nabiki: That'll be a while. You should have let Akane cooked the entire week.
Kasumi: And make us suffer along with Father?
Akane: Hey! My cooking isn't that bad!
Andrew: Come on you're all too harsh on Akane! So, she can't cook sushi. 
(Everyone look nervous at Andrew.)
Ranma: Um, Andrew, you're not suppose to cook sushi.
Andrew & Akane: Oh. (Nabiki looks at her watch.)
Nabiki: Well, would you look at the time. We're all gonna be late. (Andrew 
pulls out a carpet. It hovers in mid-air. Everyone else looks at it, puzzled 
by it.)
Andrew: This is my magic carpet.  We'll get there in no time! Hop on! 
(Nabiki, Ranma, Andrew & Akane hops on the carpet and it takes off for 
school. Kasumi waves them goodbye. She turns back to see Dr. Tofu stagger 
into the living room.)
Dr. Tofu: Wait...this isn't my house...K-k-k-kasumi?! What are you doing here?
Kasumi (giggles): Dr. Tofu-sama, this is my house. Surely you realize that!
Dr. Tofu (glasses are steaming): Kasumi! You know my name is Ono, not 
Shirley! (Kasumi face-faults.) But, seriously, can we talk?
~~~~~~
(The carpet lands next to the school. Everyone gets up, and it hovers the 
ground. Andrew opens his blue sack and the carpet slips into the bag.)
Akane: Come on, brother. I've got to register you for classes.
Kuno's voice: Ah, the fair Akane comes towards me...gadzooks! Two Akanes? Is 
this not a blessed day for me! Is it not a sign from the gods!
(Andrew & Akane eyes bug out. Ranma blinks. Nabiki can't help but giggle. 
Everyone else look around at the twins.)
Everyone else: Two Akanes?!
Akane: Um, Kuno...
Kuno: Yes?
Akane: There's something that you should know about this other 
"Akane"...he's my brother.
Kuno: Brother?
The Boys: Brother?
The Girls (in a dream-like state): A Boy!
Yuka (shouting): Say! The boys all fight over Akane, why can't we fight over 
Akane's brother?
The other girls: Yeah!
Andrew: Wait a minute! Do you all really want to fight over me?
Yuka: They do for your sister! And besides, how come Akane or Nabiki said 
anything about you?
Ranma: They've discovered, yesterday, that their dad has been cheating on 
them. (Nabiki notices that one of the girls has a fashion magazine. Andrew 
turns on Ranma.)
Andrew (screaming): Ranma, you're really not helping things!
Sukuki: You know, you look like this really cute boy! (She holds up the 
fashion mag that Nabiki saw. It looks exactly like Andrew except he his hair 
spiked. He looks really nervous.)
Andrew: Um...well...oh, dear...
Nabiki: Admit it, bro. You're that guy.
Andrew (in a soft voice): Well, yeah... (The girls scream. They run towards 
Andrew. Hinako runs out.)
Hinako: Deliquents, all of you! Happou...five-yen...(C-chan and P-chan hop 
out from the bag. Andrew & Akane try to stop the pigs, but can't.)
Andrew: C-chan! No! (C-chan and P-chan bite Miss Hinako on the ankles.)
Hinako: Yeeowch! No pets on the premise! (C-chan and P-chan throw Miss 
Hinako into the ground; her legs stick up. This causes an earthquake. 
Everyone looks nervously at the pigs.)

Daisuke: Er, maybe we should just go inside...
Haisuke: Goood idea.
------
(Time passes. It's now lunch time. Andrew takes his lunch and sits down by a 
tree. He sees a lot of girls look at him and sigh. Ukyou comes by, her hair 
all wrapped up in a ball.)
Ukyou: Hey! Akane! What are you doing here all by yourself?

Andrew: Um, sir, I'm not Akane. (Ukyou looks puzzled. Checks Andrew's head, 
sniffs his hair.)
Ukyou: What happened, did Shampoo hit you with that Formula 419 again?
Andrew: Who's Shampoo, and why is she named after a bottle?
Ukyou (starts to big-sweat): Um...are you sure you're not Akane?
Andrew: Yeah. There she is now. (He points to Akane chasing Ranma with a 
bento in her hand.)
Ukyou: Oh. (She then does a double take, looking back at Akane and then at 
Andrew.) Then who the hell are you?!
Andrew: I'm Andrew, Akane's twin brother.
Ukyou: You're a guy? Nooo...can't be!
Andrew: Yeah. It's kinda weird.
Ukyou: So, how did you...
Andrew (as he's opening his own bento): I found out that the people that I 
was living with had adopted me. I was going to Paris to a modeling show when 
my plane crashed in the Tendo's front yard. I soon learned that Soun --- my 
dad, I guess --- had me put up for adoption when he found out that the woman 
he was sleeping with had twins.
Ukyou: What?! Soun? He wouldn't do such a thing...well, maybe.
Andrew: Maybe?
Ukyou: You know Happousai? (Andrew shakes his head.) He's a very short 
balding man that loves panties?
Andrew: Oh, HIM. He helped cause the plane to crash when he took my jock 
strap and my Khakis pants. Those were my best pants too.
Ukyou: THAT was your grandfather. (Andrew face-faults.)
Akane's voice (distantly): Come back here and eat my food!
Ranma's voice (distantly): Not on your life! Or mine!
Ukyou: Oh, dear. Will they ever learn?
Andrew: What's with Ranma and my sister, anyway?
Ukyou: Well, that's a long story. Genma, his father, had him arranged at 
least four different times, maybe up to six. I'm one of his fiancees.
Andrew: He got Ranma hooked up with a guy?! That's disgusting!
Ukyou: I'm NOT a guy as much as you are a girl!
Andrew: Oh. No...you couldn't be a girl! (He flicks Ukyou's chest. He hears 
a pang sound.) Metal...breast binding?!
Ukyou: Yep. (Ukyou lets her hair down from the ball it was in. Andrew looks 
in awe of the girl. He starts to drool.)
Andrew: H-h-how many more girls is Ranma involved with?
Ukyou: Well...there's Shampoo...she's a Chinese girl, a bit crazy. (Shampoo 
crashes the school fence. Cologne hobbles in after her.) Oh, that's her now.
Andrew: Who's the old woman hobbling on a stick? She looks like Happousai's 
wife!
Ukyou (giggles) Hardly. She's Cologne, Shampoo's great-great grandmother.
Shampoo: Airen! Great-grandmother and I are here to help you!
Cologne: Son-in-law, we have a lot to discuss!
(Andrew's bag stirs.)
Andrew: Hmm...I wonder if Yoiko ever knew them.
A deep voice (coming from the bag): Cologne? Here? Cologne, is that you? 
(Ukyou clasps onto Andrew.)
Ukyou: What was that?
Andrew: Oh, I guess Yoiko know her. (A huge red dragon flies out of the 
magical bag and hovers over the school. Everyone looks up and screams, 
except Andrew.)
Akane: What the hell!

Kuno: Forsoothe!
Ranma: My god! Even the Phoenix Dragon wasn't THIS big!
Yoiko: Ah...Cologne! (Cologne turns around.)
Cologne (in a girlish voice, if Cologne could do such a thing): Darling!
Everyone else: Darling?! (Then, they face-fault.)
Cologne: Oh, forgive me. Shampoo, this is Yoiko-chan. Darling, this is my 
great-granddaughter, Shampoo.
Yoiko: Ah, have you met my master?
Cologne: Who's your master? (Yoiko points to Andrew.) I didn't know that 
Akane had control of  dragons!
Yoiko: That's not Akane. That's Andrew. (Shampoo and Cologne gasp.)
Akane (sounding like Ricki): Andrew! You've got a lot to explain to do!
Andrew: I can't help it that dragons have an excellent sense of smell!
Kuno: Saotome! This is all your fault!
Ranma: No it's not! (The dragon looks at Ranma and Kuno in a 'don't mess 
with me' look.) But, I'm not gonna fight him!
Kuno: Valour is the better part of discretion, indeed.
Cologne: So...this Andrew, he's Akane's brother?
Yoiko: Twin brother, Cologne-chan. I can tell by their smell. I can also 
tell that they need to get some deorderant.

Andrew & Akane: Hey! I heard that! (They look at each other. Ukyou looks at 
them.)
Ukyou: I think I'm gonna need a drink.
Yoiko: So, anyway, what are you doing here in Japan?
Cologne: I'm here to help Shampoo get Son-in-law. (She points to Ranma.) 
Since you are a servant to Andrew, I fear that the situation has gotten a 
bit more complicated.
Yoiko: Not necessarily. It is true that Andrew is my master. But, he does 
let me and my fellow dragons have a lot of freedom in our matters. He is our 
best master to date. He has a bit of a temper, though.
Shampoo: Like Violent Girl?
Cologne: I have to agree, Shampoo. If he acts anything like Akane, then I'd 
hate to see Andrew when he gets mad.
Yoiko: Oh, he doesn't get mad unless it is just cause. Which he is in right 
now.
Akane: Hey! Dragon! Don't get noisy into our affairs!
Ukyou: Sorry to hear about what Soun did to you and Andrew. (Akane turns 
around and looks in shock at Ukyou.)
Akane: H-h-h-how did you know?
Andrew: I told her.
Akane: WHAT? You don't tell people personal things like that!
Andrew: What was I suppose to say, that your Dad kepted me in a trunk for 
sixteen years?! Besides, we don't know who's our real mom? (Nabiki, who's 
been eating her food calmly walks over to the dragon.)
Nabiki: I'd agree. Besides, we could use your dragon for a good use. Yoiko, 
right? (The dragon nods.) Could you determine who's our mother?
Yoiko: Not exactly, but I have surmised one thing.
Nabiki: What?
Yoiko: You smell delicious. (Nabiki's face turns pale and she quickly moves 
away from Yoiko.)
Cologne: Hmm...would you eat your master's older sister?
Yoiko: Of course not. I would never do that.
Cologne: How about that girl there with the spatulas? (She points to Ukyou.)
Andrew: Yoiko, what are you doing?
Yoiko: Nothing, master. My sweety-pie's just trying to get her 
great-granddaughter married, that's all.
Andrew: Oh, I thought she was joking.
Cologne: I rarely joke.
Andrew: So...how did you two meet?
Cologne: I met him when I was 17. We've had a great relationships that 
culumated in him eating my first husband.
Yoiko: He was the best tasting man I had ever eaten.

Ukyou: Hmm...eat...people. (Ukyou drools as she visualizes Tsubasa being 
roasted by Yoiko.) (to Andrew) Say, Andrew, can I have your dragon on
retainer?
Andrew: Um...no.
Cologne: Come, darling! Let us go and browse through the lillies.
Yoiko: Indeed. (Cologne hops on Yoiko's large back and they fly away towards 
Tokyo. Everyone looks at them.)
Shampoo: Shampoo needs a drink.
Ukyou: So do I.
Akane: Yeah, I think I'll need something in me. Brother?
Andrew (looking back at a distance Yoiko): Uh...yeah. I wouldn't mind 
something in me. Sis?
Nabiki: Yeah. (She looks over at a frozen Kuno. Ranma runs into him and they 
both fall over.) I think we'll all need a drink or two. Who's buying?
Hinako (who suddenly pops in): I will.
******
(The scene switches over Kasumi's private kitchen. Dr. Tofu and Kasumi are 
looking over a lot of papers, each of them drinking tea.)
Dr. Tofu: I hadn't noticed before, but see how your mother checked out 
perfectly in this exam.
Kasumi (looking intently at the medical information): Uh, huh. And here, 
she's not okay. Right? Oh, my, the exam was two weeks after Akane's birth!
Dr. Tofu: Exactly. In that two weeks, your mother went from a clean-bill of 
health to having full-blown cancer. And somehow had gotten nine-months 
pregnant with Akane in two weeks.
Kasumi: Impossible!
Dr. Tofu: That's what I thought. But, I noticed something. See how, here, 
her signature is leaning to the right. This one, her signature is leaning 
towards the left.
Kasumi: Oh, my!
Dr. Tofu: There can be only one-e-e-explain...(his glasses starts to steam 
up)..oh, hell. Come here, Kasumi!(Dr. Tofu grabs Kasumi and starts to ravish 
her. Kasumi squeals in delight as the scene fades out...)
------
(...and fades into a five-star hotel room. A shadowy-figured woman is 
sitting there. Soun and Genma-panda comes in. Genma-panda shuts the door and 

slumps down by the door.)
Woman: Ah, Soun-chan, it has been so long, too long. How has it been?
Soun: Fine. I recieved your letter. (He holds up a cage that has three 
pidgeons. Two of the birds are fighting while the other one is laughing at 
them.)
Woman: Excellent. And how is our precious children?
Soun: Fine. But, we have a problem, dear. Our son has returned.
Woman: No! You don't mean to say!
Soun: Yes, darling. He has discovered who he really is, and what's worse, he 
looks exactly like our youngest daughter.
Genma-panda: [Twins, in fact.]
Woman: Oh, Souny-chan, what does this means for us?
Soun: I do not know, but I hope that they can accept the truth. (The woman 
falls down on her knees are starts bawling. Soun crawls to her and he bawls 
as well. We hear the theme from the "X-Files" music starting to play. We see 
Genma-panda playing it on a synththezier.)
Genma-panda (via signs to the camera): [I also do birthdays, Bar Mivzahs, 
and weddings!] (flip sign) [Call 1-888-555-PANDA for rates and reservations!]
Woman: May our children, all our children, forgive us for what we have done.
(This just in: "Oh, Brother!" Ending Theme Song: "MMMBop." More details as 
soon we get them.)

Author's Notes:
		Hey! How's it been? I hope you've enjoyed my second chapter of "Oh, 
Brother!" The rest of the storyline will be done in episode fashion since it 
looks like I'm gonna have more than five chapters of material to work with. 
Speaking of chapters, I have finished Episode 3 of "Oh, Brother!" and it 
will be out pretty shortly.
		With this Chapter, you can see that I've added a bit, but changed a few 
things around. I'm probably not done revising, hopefully, I won't need a 
final draft warning.