WoLF: Well... since it's warmed up, I might as well jump into part 3.
<Takes careful aim at the next thing on his list>
BANG!
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Lavender # 3: Cat Chase
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The cat was feeling so strange. It was realizing for the first time it was
seeing the world in totally new eyes. Not in the mental way but in a
physical way also. In the old days it only saw in two colors, black and
white. Now it had an entire pallette of colors to marvel at. Red, greens
and blues bombarded it's sight as it slinked around in the bushes. It
emerged from the bushes, following its instincts. A part of it was drawing
it to this place, though it did not know where it was going all it
knew that it would be safe.
This whole paragraph is awkward. Try this way instead:
The cat felt so strange. It was seeing the world through totally new eyes,
metaphorically as well as physically. As he wrestled with the expansions
happening to his mind, he marvelled at the veritable rainbow of colors the
replaced the shades of grey he was so used to as he slinked around in the
bushes.
The cat was being drawn to this place... although he had no idea why. All
he did know was that he would be safe.
I think I'll lay off the phrase re-constructions. I'm sure you've seen
enough of them from the C&C of part 2. I'll stick to the more glaring
errors now.
School ?, the cat the thought emerged in his head. Then it knew. School
no space^ Remove the command and make the T in "the" capitalized.
was a place to learn. Humans went to them because they were not born with
what they needed to know.
WoLF: Nice quote. I like it.
It felt reassured somewhat as it neared her. It was safe it told
itself. It did not know why but it knew it would be safe with the girl.
Then it realized why as it neared her. This girl was the one it saw in
it's memories.
WoLF: What memories. I assume you're talking about that blur of flash-
backs experienced in part 2?
***************************
Hotaru Tomoe was eating lunch alone once again. And she hated every
minute of it. ^ and
I would put an ellipse (...) here---------------^
She tookanother bit of her lunch when she firts noticed the cat.
space----^ first
And the fact that it had an eyepatch like a pirate had made it look
a bit cute. It meowed as it looked at her curiously. It was definitely
hungry from the way that it looked at the fish she had for lunch and
considering how thin it looked. It meowed once again.
The word "look" is used here four times. This is not a good idea as it
grates on the reader's nerves. <pulls out the Thesaurus> Here... you
might find this handy.
Also, you could shorten the phrase "It meowed as it looked at her curiously
to "It meowed at her curiously." There is no question that it is looking at
her.
Hotaru took pity on the poor animal and picked a piece of the fish
that she was eating and gave it to the animal.
WoLF: This is good. You aren't repeating the word cat... but you are
repeating the word "animal" now. Try this:
Hotaru took pity on the bedraggled animal and picked a piece off the fish
she was eating and gave it to the feline.
WoLF: It flows a bit better this way.
She smiled as she saw the cat devour the piece.
^^^^^^^^ ed
Just shorten this by removing. and add "ed" to devour.
****************************
The cat did what all cats do and nuzzled her legs once again.
^as^
This is just a question of style... but I think it looks better with "as"
there.
The eyepatch made the cat even more cuter.
Two things here:
1- more cuter doesn't really work. It's either "cuter" or "more cute"
2- You used this phrase, almost to the letter, a couple of paragraphs
earlier. You might as well drop it here.
***************************
If one were to pick one of these odd pieces of paper up one would
see a picture of a white cat wearing an eyepatch over one eye and
the plea of an anxious pet owner to call the number below if they
saw it.
WoLF: Hmmm... a smart character. Are you *sure* this is Sailor Moon?
<snickers>
***************************
Ami had dropped by earlier to check on her. Ami couldn't get anything
on the Mercury computer so she assumed that Hotaru was fine but should
rest for awhile.
You don't need to read Ami's name twice in the same paragraph. We know it's
her.
.............A mask suddenly loomed before him. A smiling face
smiled eerily at him.
Try this:
.............A mask suddenly loomed before him, a face smiling eerily at him.
............. Apollo purred. He liked it when Lavender stroked him
like that. And it sure calmed his nerves. And he was quite nervous.
Remove the "and" ^^^ He was quite nervous.
Though you die wou will be reborn to accompany. Though I die I will
,y me ,
be reborn to fulfill my duties until I have paid in full. Thus has
,
been said and thus are we bound.'
***************************
Apollo woke up in a start as he heard the door open.
^with^^
He remembered most of what he was but still his memories were still
, XXXXX
Swiss cheese. All he knew was that he needed to find Lavender.
The word "still" underlined in Xs shouldn't be there.
What interested him was Hotaru's scent.
WoLF: Really? Why?
And Apollo could notice minor differences in the way she acted and her
scent.
WoLF: Ah... that's why.
***************************
One of Pluto's little quirks that developed from her guardianship
of the Gates of Time is that she has the idiosyncracy to talk to
herself when she is alone.
WoLF: I love this. It's very believable. It's probably one of the
reasons she hasn't gone insane over the long vigil.
She managed to control herself when the others were around. She
really didn't need the other Senshi questioning her sanity. Besides,
the others might not understand it was inevitable for one like her
to develop at least minor psychosis when isolated for large amounts
of time entailed by her duties.
WoLF: Hey! I just said that. <Grins>
***************************
If they were near enough they would see a gloved dip into
a tuxedo jacket and pull a cellular phone out as the figure silently
landed, crouching on the roof of a building. And because of their
nearness, they would hear a woman's voice answering from behind the
mask.
This section of the paragraph switches from past to present tense.
This is a writing no-no that I've had pointed out to me a couple of
times.
At the first line, you have "would see". It should be "would have seen". On
the forth line, it says "they would hear", it should be "would have heard".
The observer would then see the figure return the phone into the
jacket and resume it's rooftop course, except now it was going west
and doing it much more quickly.
There is past and present mixed in this paragraph to. To be fixed.
***************************
It was a Time Staff.
If M.C. Escher and H.R. Giger collaborated to design a
Time Staff that is.
The oily black surface of the staff had an intricate amount of designs
sculpted into it. Cthulhoid mostrosities, mobius strips and other
exotic designs decorated the staff. It emanated an aura of both horror
and fascination. It was tipped by an onyx gem held by a monstrous
many-veined hand.
WoLF: Just to know, do you have the onyx gem on it because you think
the time staff needs it? Pluto has the garnet orb as an
accessory... the staff doesn't need it to function.
' Great, I'm starting to talk to myself like Pluto. We _are_ getting
senile.', he said
WoLF: I like this guy already. He has an odd sense of humor. <grins>
***************************
She muttered under her breath about damnable planetary conjunctions.
WoLF: I don't know... that seems all to convenient. Pluto is just a
bit too suspicious to just glibly think it was the planets.
I just don't buy it.
****************************
' Now drag her back here.'
' OK. *huff* She really should go on a diet.'
WoLF: Bwahahahahahhaha! I love lines like these. They are juvenile,
petty and they always crack me up. <grins widely>
' You're just rusty, old friend. Now her wallet.'
' Here. Oooh, she's got a gold card !'
<snicker>
I asked you to duplicate is about to meet an unfortunate accident
right about ...... now.'
The screech of brakes and a shrill scream could be heard in the distance.
WoLF: Oh... that's brutal. These two ruffians remind me of our two
lesbian outer senshi.
' Hmmm... do you think I should give her a mindswipe while I'm at
it ?', an amused voice could be heard saying in the shadowy alley.
WoLF: A mindSwipe? Sound like a virtual grope. What it is?
****************************
When Lavender was in disguise he usually has something noticeably
wore
purple or a variation of the color as a prominent part of it.
some the disguise
****************************
' Puu, what happened ?!? '
I thought that the only person to call her "Puu" was Chibi-Usa.
Well... that's about it for part 3. I laid off on rebuilding every sentence
in favor of commenting on content.
As for story progression, I can't say much at the moment. Maybe part 4 will
shed some light on where this is all going.
We have met a new character who might be a good guy, but then again, but be
a villain (the one with the other time staff).
I guess I'll just have to read and see.
___________
/ Here lies:\ Time Travel: A perfectly good way to ruin someone's
| Andrew | history.
| |
| I think | Andrew Petalik {ICQ ID: 160869}
| he's hungry | Jadzia Dax : Don't worry, I have a light touch.
| | Julien Bashir : Not according to Worf...