Bloody Crazy: What Do You Want On Your Tombstone?
Part II
By Justin Fraser---Brian Clark---Derek Brunt...
...Boba Fett---Darth Vader---Death Face
Ryoko ate it. She is now a Jedi Knight. That meant it was perfectly
alright for her to set up her blanket in the vacant area of the
carnival. She reached into her skirt and produced the following:
1. A mysterious black box
2. A bottle of gin
3. Something
4. A clone of herself
5. A clone of Mr. Fanfalone
Stir 1/2 cup something with mysterious black box. Add bottle of gin
and let sit in warm place for five minutes.
Preheat oven to 475 degrees. Add Fanfalone, stirring occasionally.
Cook 8-10 minutes. Top with Ryoko clone and eat it.
It tastes nice.
Zunama is *really* fucking cool.
Ryoko sat down on the blanket and called out to the crowd. "Step right
up, things and blagglehaggers! Yes, we've got it right here, the
miracle drug! Cures nothing! Calls out to loud unknowns! Eats
people! And I'm not even gonna sell it to you!"
This caught some interest, even from the stupid Ryoko clone that had no
idea where it had spawned from, or where it was
going to spawn later. "Wow, what is it?"
"I've got to warn you, it's really big!" Ryoko cried out. She ate it
again. Status: Jedi Master.
"Oh wow! Oh wow! I'm wetting 'em in excitement!"
Ryoko unveiled the black...*veil*...surrounding the box (after asking
if she really *was* wetting them). "It's..."
"Yes?"
"It's..."
"Yes!?"
"It's..."
"*Yes!?*"
"It's a big frog!!!!!!!!!!!!"
The effect of this on the crowd was amazing. You wouldn't even
believe it! People leapt from moving rides (granted,
however, they did this anyway on occasions where rides weren't even
present). An ostrich mated with a chocobo in excitement.
Slash impaled himself with his guitar through his torso while trying to
leap over a set of amps in the rush to see it.
Ass.
Ryoko waved about. "And when I put it in this box with three
mirrors..." She did so.
"...IT GETS EVEN BIGGER!"
The crowd gasped. Someone took a Strong Pill. Someone else kept
yelling out, "Who wants a *The Slayers* tape?"
His name was Matt and, yes Matt, we *will* go to any lengths to prove
saying it like that sounds fucking stupid.
A short pirate screamed out "Oh my god!" in a scratchy voice that only
one other person in the universe can do.
"Hey I can't see from back here!" someone complained.
"You'll be able to see it if it keeps growing like that!"
"Yeah, getcher head outta yer ass!" the pirate yelled. His name was
Dreadbeard. He was Penpen's friend.
Ryoko raised a bottle in the air. "Then it produces camel spit in this
bottle, that will cure none of your ailments..."
"We don't care!"
"Yeah! We wanna see more of the frog!"
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!" the pirate screamed. I
sware, that's the coolest fucking voice in the world...
"Ya' see that?! It's huge!"
Slash's guitar was straining to see over people's shoulders.
"You know," exclaimed the Ryoko clone, "I have this terrible ache in my
shoulders. Will the camel spit help?"
"No!" Ryoko shouted promotionally.
"It's huge!"
The Mr. Fanfalone clone suddenly jumped in front of Ryoko and belted
out "Theres no such thing as free sex! You always
end up paying for it! Now write me a paper about how owning a big frog
relates to what it means to be a great American."
The Ryoko clone grabbed the bottle and drank it. Then she picked up
the frog and began to fly away, laughing madly.
"Hey! She's got the frog!"
"Beat her!"
Five people and two aliens leapt at her and ended up in a heap on the
ground.
"It's no good! She's too high up!"
Suddenly, from the back of the crowd, a young man with a very, *very*
large sword stepped forward. "I can stop her!"
"Who the hell are you?" said the demon lady at the end of the movie
*Army of Darkness*.
"Name's Strife. Cloud Strife."
Cloud removed his *Knights of the Round* summon orb from the depths of
his pants and raised it high in the air, gathering his
energy. But before that, he had to let his enemies know his status:
"Cloud Strife, HP: 7659/7998, MP: 466/573, Limit Break half full!"
Then, he called upon his summon magic.
"Ultimate Ouch!"
The sky grew dark. Lemons fell on his head. Lightning stabbed the
ground and twelve knights came out of nowhere with sausages
in their hands. They raised them high and beat the Ryoko clone like a
damned crash dummy. They all ran off as quickly as they had
appeared, and a much, much larger knight filled the sky. *This* one had
a tree trunk grasped by both hands.
Scientists never did study what would happen to a demon that recieved a
direct blow from a tree trunk right between the eyes
except one. And it went something like this:
Three scientists stood around a tree with untrustworthy looks on their
face. One of them, who had found his courage, walked up
to it *sloooooowly*. He looked around carefully, stared at it...and
then poked it and backed away *very very very very quickly*. He
looked at his fellow scientists for their offerings. They shook their
heads. He creeped up to it again, looked around carefully
stared at it...and then poked it and backed away *very very very very
quickly*. In his report, he described word for word *exactly*
what happened to the Ryoko clone. We aren't going to tell you what it
was that happened, because it's *that bad*.
Penpen stared at everyone.
Finally, someone said, "Hey, the big frog's gone!"
There were screams from the other side of the carnival.
It was three days later. Penpen stared out of his apartment window
across the street from the Biddle Hall. He stood there for
a long time, doing nothing. Slowly, he reached behind himself and
grabbed a banana. He turned and tossed it out the window.
Penpen did what he did best. He stared at it, watching it fall all the
way down. It hit the ground, and he stared at it a
further ten minutes. Nothing else happened. He again reached behind
him and hauled out a Sear's Shop-Vac. For a change of pace, he
tossed it out the window and stared at it. He was even better at
staring than Piccolo.
He reached back, not for the last time, behind himself again. This
time he pulled out Shinji...
...and tossed him out the window.
He spent an hour staring at this one.
Trunks and Vegeta overlooked a mountain of gerbils. Don't laugh! They
were all stuck! It was their own fault, *granted*, but
that doesn't mean you can laugh!
Vegeta kicked the ground. Then he looked down and kicked it again. He
began kicking it repeatedly, his anger rising like...like...
like something going *up* very fast. Or a face. Your choice. Either
way, trunks had to tempt him with a model of the White House to get
him to stop.
"Ya' see that? It's at the bottom of those fuzzy things!"
"The gerbils?" Vegeta asked.
"No! The Underwear!"
"Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm....................................................................................................................
........................................................I like the
sound of........."
Trunks looked at him. Pants ate his sunglasses. "Nevermind." he
finished, lamely.
They looked intently at the mountain. This was not going to be
pretty. They pulled out their pick-axes.
In order to get to the underwear, they were going to have to go
through the gerbils...
You ever see Batman? You saw it, didn't ya'? Remember when The Joker
fell into that vat of what I am still sure to this day was piss?
Picture that hand rising from the...ahhh...stuff. Now, picture that
same hand rising out of solid granite.
Freeza hauled himself up from the stone. How he'd gotten there, he had
no idea, but he was *definately* going to have to go back one day.
He removed his "Joker" glove and tossed it a way. It landed with a
thud and began laughing. Freeza looked at it interestedly. He stepped
on
it.
It continued to laugh. Freeza tried stepping on it again. Still
laughed.
"Oh, surely not again," said Granny Weatherwax distractedly.
But he did. He stepped on it again and again and again and it *still
laughed*. He threw energy beams the size of redwoods at it. He threw
a redwood at it. And then...
And then it began to follow him. He jumped back. It jumped forward.
Then it waved at him.
He took one last look and ran.
It was faster than him. So much for that. Freeza was just going to
have to face this evil.
Or not. It began climbing his leg, and before he knew it, and much,
much longer *after* he knew it, it was right in front of his face.
It hovered there, laughing, breathing down his neck. Slowly, it turned
its palm away from him.
Freeza held his breath and waited for the inevitable. It never came.
What *did* happen was the glove gave him the finger and ran off,
cackling
madly.
Freeza smiled insanely. He shook his head and looked around to get his
bearings, and came face to face with Axl Rose.
"And that goes for all you punks in the press that wanna start shit by
printin' lies instead of the things we said.
That means you Andy Secher at Hit Parader, Circus Magazine, Mick Wall at
Kerrang, Bob Guccione Jr at Spin: What you
pissed off cuz your dad gets more pussy than you? Fuck you! Suck my
fuckin' dick! You be rippin' off the fuckin' kids
while they be payin' their hard earned money to read about the bands
they wanna know about! Printin' lies; startin' controversy:
You wanna antagonize me!? Antagonize me, mother fucker! Get in the
ring, mother fucker, and I'll kick your bitchy little ass!
"Punk!"
Axl Rose ran off in his bicycle shorts, ranting into his microphone
about he didn't like you, just hated you, and was gonna kick your ass.
Freeza was not a Jedi Knight, so this was scary to him. He should've
eaten it too.
He looked around. He was standing on a stone pathway that led up to a
cottage, crudely made. It was a large stone slab with a hole in the
side,
and on top of it another slab very reminiscent of those at Stone Henge.
As Freeza closed in on what looked like a door, a man came out, fumbled
with
some stone keys, and looked up at him.
The man was wear an animal skin cloth with black patches all over it.
He wore a blue, mangy tie that looked like something had just finished
chewing on it.
"What're you doin' in my yard!" he yelled.
"Quiet, isolent fool! I'm searching for the Saiya-jin Vegeta to take
my revenge on him and destroy his glove!"
The man pointed angrily. "Well just take it out of my yard!"
Freeza scowled at him. "One more word from you and I'll turn you into
stinking mint!"
"Wiseguy, huh? Why I oughta..."
Freeza raised an arm. "I warned you, neanderthal!" Black energy
surged up his arm and formed a sparking ball that grew...big.
"That's it! Taste this!"
The man drew his hands back and began to gather *his* energy. He
called his attack. "Yab..."
"Huh?" Freeza raised an eyebrow. "What kind of energy is this?"
"...Ba..."
Freeza's eyebrow twitched. This was a power nearly as great as the
Mallet technique banished him to wonderland (which he promptly
destroyed).
"...Dab...Ba..." Between the caveman's hands, blue energy glowed like
the wrath of all suburban-dwelling, middle-class workers who are fed up
with all. There was nothing for it. Freeza threw his energy ball at
him.
"...DOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!" The blast shot forward and cut right
through Freeza's attack. There was a final, yellow scream as it turned
Freeza into a puddle of goo.
"That'll teach you," the man said. He wiped his forehead, and looked
towards the remains.
"Oh, for cryin' out loud! Don't eat that, Dino."
Fred Flinstone turned round to go back in his house, now realizing that
he'd come out for no reason. He fumbled with the keys again, and after
about an hour realized they were the car keys (???). "Blast!
Wiiiiiiiiilmaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!! Yab..Ba...Dab...Ba..."