writer's note:
Ryo, Ryoko, Megs, and Kyoko are from the
story 'The More Things Change', at
www.uh.edu/~rpm/fanfic.
Thanks to all that voted in the CB awards
that put this gang at the top of the
MST3Ks :)
-rod
----------------------------------------
Once upon a time there were these four siblings, who happened to be
martial artists, who also happened to be movie buffs...
One was a rather skinny fellow, looking a lot like Hikaru Gosunkugi,
the other a short-haired girl with a fair tan, the next a sloppily
dressed lad with long hair and eyeglasses, and finally, a rather cute
12 year old with a hyperactivity problem....
ROLL CALL!
Ryo Muhoshin, snide yet debonaire
Ryoko Muhoshin, a teen girl with flare
Megs Muhoshin, a pervert beyond compare
Kyoko Muhoshin, tiny tot without a care
Megs: Woohoo!
Ryo: Eh?
Megs: We're watching another Lara Bartram production!
Ryoko: Oh my.
Ryo: Blindfold! Earmuffs!
Ryoko: Got it.
Kyoko: What? HEY! NO FAIR!
DOJO RAIDER! starring Lara Bartram
Megs: *GASP* And we get to see the Goddess in action too!
Ryo: Oh my.
by Lara Bartram
Megs: ALL HAIL THE GODDESS!
_________________________________________________________________
There's this big weird flash of light, and then I'm not standing where
I was two seconds ago. "What the fuck..." are the first words out of
my mouth. Of course they're the first words out of my mouth, I have
this swearing problem; I curse more than anyone I know.
Megs: Ssssssssssaucy! I like that in a woman!
Ryo: I think 'Apocalypse Now' was playing next door.
Megs: Hey! Don't go!
Ryoko: And 'Titanic' was in theatre 3 down the way...
Megs: Oh come on!
So I look around. Skinny streets, small houses surrounded by stone
walls. I'd think I was in Ohio if they were chain link instead of
stone. Well, there's also the serious lack of broken appliances in
front yards. Wait, no. In Ohio, the broken appliances are in the BACK
yard.
Ryo: A really bad Japanese language joke would be far too easy
here. I'm not going to d-
Megs: If she was in Ohayo, then she'd still see the sunrise,
wouldn't she?
Ryo: Sister dear, the mallet.
Ryoko: Right! (passes a mallet to Ryo)
Megs: Eh?
**** WHAM ****
First things first. What the hell happened, where the hell am I, and
how the hell do I get back? Easy enough, I think. This is obviously
some weird hallucination. I've had them before, when I was real ill.
So maybe I'm sick again. I'm probably due for a big illness anyway.
Ryo: Yes, she's one sick bi-
*** WHAM ***
Megs: That's enough outta you.
*** WHAM ***
Ryo: (flexing knuckles) Lest you forget why I'm the one that
does the hitting around here...
Megs: Owie!
Yet, I don't feel sick. I don't have a raging fever, I don't have
chills, I feel pretty fuckin' fine. Then it hits me (not literally):
one of those God damned author self insertion things. Just kill me
now. They're all so stupid, people trying to fix everyone up or having
their favorite character fall in love and screwing the author. Whee.
Well, ya know...
Megs: Hey, this self-insert thing sounds fun.
Ryo: It's the rough equivalent of author masturbation.
Megs: Ah... it sonds f-
Ryoko: ENOUGH!
Kyoko: What's mastur-
Ryo: Don't ask.
Nah. I could, but why bother? This is only a fic. I think...
I hope.
Ryo: Indeed.
Megs: Aw, we all know Lara's secret fantasy is to
join Kuno and his bokken in a long kendo session.
Ryo: Usually we're polite enough to not mention it...
Right, OK. I crack my knuckles, popping my wrist too. Rubbing my palms
together, I have to plan things out. Just what do I want to do? I've
already determined that I am no doubt in Japan, Nerima district. I
mean, where else would I end up?
Ryo: Hell?
Ryoko: Kuno's mansion?
Megs: In my bed?
Ryo: Yes, that would be hell.
Ryoko: Wahaha!
Megs: Hey you...
The possibilities are nearly endless. I could do the standard thing
and try to fix everyone's problems, but that might be just a little
too much to handle. Or I could... cause some mischief. ;)
Megs: (suavely) Yes, mischief... between the sheets.
Ryo: Typical.
Megs: What would you have'er do? Some boring crap like
murder, I bet.
Ryo: What's boring about that?
Tendo dojo. Good enough place to start. But how do I want to work
things?
Megs: With a strap-on d-
*** WHAM ***
Ryo: Ahem.
Kyoko: Wha-
Ryoko: Don't ask.
Kyoko: But I-
Ryoko: Don't ask.
I can't just tell everyone how they should act.
Ryo: Sure you can. And kill them if they don't follow orders.
I need to either convince them to act like that (not likely),
or use... alternate methods.
Megs: With the strap-on d-
*** WHAM ***
Ryo: ENOUGH.
Damn I could use some help, and I know none of the
inhabitants are going to do it.
Megs: ME! ME! MEHELP! HELPYES!
Ryo: Stop drooling on the floor.
Megs: LARA-SAMAAAAA!
*** WHAM ***
Ryo: I've never seen him dive into the screen like that.
Ryoko: Moron.
Maybe I should just start by meeting my prospective contestants. Or
some of them at least. I bang on the gate and wait for someone to
answer it.
After a few moments, it opens and I am face to face with Akane Tendo.
She looks a little mad. "What do you want?!" she practically screams
at me. Musta been a fight.
The second she calls me a gaijin I'm gonna start swinging. But hey, I
can actually understand her. Perfectly. "I'm sorry to be a bother, but
I was informed at the high school that you might have an available
room for someone to stay temporarily." Cool, I can speak it pretty
damn well too.
Megs: And that's not all she can do well...
"The high school?" she asks, all confused.
Ryo: No, the JSDF, you addle-brained ape woman.
"Yeah. I'm going to be observing classes at Furinkan while I'm here. I
need a place to stay for a couple weeks and the secretary suggested I
come here." Best lie I've ever come up with off the top of my head.
"Of course. Come right in."
Ryo: Proving there's a sucker born every minute.
Megs: Sucker? Naw. I'd like to think Akane's just...
lonely for some female companionship.
Ryo: You need to get out more.
She's not happy, I can tell. Doesn't matter though because she
eventually will be.
Megs: Heheheh.
Ryo: Get that lecherous smile off yer face.
"This is my older sister Nabiki."
Nabiki looks at me. I look at her. It appears to be disinterest, but
it's a lot more dangerous than that.
"Nice to meet you," I say.
"This is..." Akane looks at me. "I never got your name." She looks
embarrassed. Those silly Japanese people. Like she's a "proper"
Japanese girl anyway.
Ryoko: Say... you think Lara's got something against Akane?
Ryo: Naaah.
"No problem. Lara Bartram."
Nabiki is still looking at me. "That name sounds familiar to me," she
says.
I look back at her. "It's familiar to me too," I say.
Megs: Witness the wit and wisdom of the Goddess!
Ryo: Getting carried away, aren't we?
She snorts and walks away. Well hey, if you can't take the heat, get
out of the kitchen.
"Don't mind her. She's always like that."
I nod. I know.
Megs: Ah, the wonderful memories of all those XXX stories
Lara had with Nabiki as the star...
Ryo: One could speculate that she's got a thing for Nabiki
as well as Kuno.
Megs: Oh. Hey. That's... an interesting idea.
Ryo: Surprised you didn't think of it first.
The rest of the introductions proceed as expected. Ranma turns into a
girl, Genma a panda, Soun cries, Kasumi offers me something to eat and
Happosai eats one scarred elbow making a break for my chest. Great.
Over half the participants in one house. That'll make things
convenient.
Megs: Yeah, arranging the One Big Orgy should be easier...
[13 DAYS]
I hated high school. I hate Japanese high schools more. What a
nightmare. And I had to walk. Fer Christ's sake, what kind of backward
place is this?
But, I did get a nice perk before classes began.
Megs: She had sex?
Ryo: Oh sure, right.
I wish I had a camera.
Megs: Had sex.
Ryoko: Will you stop?
I kinda wish I didn't have to do this to him, but I didn't
want to play favorites.
Megs: Ah, about to have sex.
*** WHAP ***
Akane introduced me after the fact to her illustrious sempai. That was
OK, I already knew who he was. I just add one more to my list. I think
I might actually be afraid of his sister. If she ever found out some
of the stuff I wrote about her... That's not a pleasant thought.
Megs: About to have sex with Kuno?
Ryo: Put those earmuffs on Kyoko-chan, ne?
Ryoko: Righto.
Kyoko: What? NO! NO FAIR! WAH!
The last three I don't want to deal with because they're all so
annoying, but boy do I want to get them good. That means I wait for my
opportunities. I hate waiting.
Megs: An orgy with Kuno?
Ryoko: It's aaaaaaall just sex with you, isn't it? Just sex
sex sex.
Megs: And your point?
It's a bit annoying. I know where stuff is, but I have a hard time
finding my way around. And walking is woefully inefficient. Che. What
a pain in the ass. Really though, these two should be a snap to set
up. They're so damn easy to fool.
Ryoko: Kunos?
Ryo: Kunos.
I figure starting easy and getting into the swing of things is the way
to go, and it won't get any easier than them. So I hunt my way around
until I finally see that huge-ass house. Wow.
Now how do I get inside? Hmm. Knocking maybe? So I go to the nearest
gate and knock just like I did at the Tendo's. Then I wonder if I'm in
manga or anime continuity. Will the gate be answered by a ninja that I
get the urge to smack? Will Tatewaki look like he's 25 or 17?
Megs: As long as they ain't jailbait.
The gate suddenly flies open and there's Tatewaki, and he looks like
he's 17. Aww... how cute. Anyway, he looks at me (and I start getting
tired of people looking at me like that), and starts talking. Thou
this and didst that...
I cut him off simply by saying, "I have information concerning your
pig-tailed goddess."
Megs: She's a he!
Ryoko: *GASP*
Ryo: o/~ I know all there is to know... about the crying game...o/~
He grabs my arm and yanks me inside the gate, slamming it shut.
"Reveal thy information, woman!"
Megs: But first, a sex scene, right?
Riiiight.
Megs: Woohoo!
"Of course. During my stay at the Tendo domicile, I have
heard the poor pig-tailed girl bemoan her fate. It was during this
time that she called out for you."
Megs: Hey! What the- Where's the seeex?
And the tears flow like a river.
Megs: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
I had to cut him off again. "In the darkness of the night, I went to
her.
Megs: And had-
Ryo: No, they didn't have sex!
Megs: But-
We made a plan to free her and visit you to break the sorcerer's
hold on her." This I'm whispering so it seems extra secret.
Ryo: See?
Megs: Doh!
"Oh. Pray tell, what is this plan?"
"You must..."
Megs: screw her till she's sated!
Shit.
Megs: No?
I had gone against my original plan.
Megs: Which was to fulfil her fantasy of Kuno and his
bokken, right?
Time to improvise.
Megs: Use a broomstick, right?
Ryo: You're not giving up, are you?
"Dress as the sorcerer and wait at a secret location until
she arrives. Only by dressing as the sorcerer can you break the curse;
it is the only way she can get close to you. You must not speak
either. Or turn on the lights. If you do everything as I have said,
she will come willingly into your arms."
His attention was putty in my hands.
Megs: Now put your hands on his-
Ryo: AHEM!
Kyoko: What's happening?! I can't hear! Wah!
"And where wouldst this secret location be?"
Why, some gaudy little love hotel in the heart of Tokyo of course. :)
Megs: Awriiiiiiiiight, now we talkin!
Now to talk to his sister.
Megs: eh?
Ryo: Hm?
Kyoko: WHAT? WHAT?
Ryoko: Oh my.
I agreed to provide the necessary getup for
Tatewaki or he'd probably get it all wrong. And I really want
everything to be just... perfect.
Ryo: "Oh my"?
Megs: "Oh my" what?
Ryoko: I'm not sure yet, but...
"Kodachi," I say when I see her on the street. She looks normal.
Weird.
"And what do you wish of me, peasant?"
Megs: Sex?
*** WHAP ***
Ryo: Ahem.
At least she's not calling me gaijin. Technically, in comparison with
the Kuno fortune, I am a peasant, so... eh. I've been called worse
things anyway.
"I have news concerning your love."
Ryoko: Whuh-oh.
Ryo: What?
Ryoko: I'd rather not say till I'm sure, but...
"Ranma-sama? Tell me!"
Dragging the girl to someplace more secluded, I explain to her the
plan. "He fears that scarlet-haired witch. Whilst I was in the company
of the Tendos, he spoke to me confidentially. He wishes to meet you
away from Nerima."
"Continue."
"Unfortunately, to break the bond between your love and the witch,
there is only one way to do it. When you meet him you must dress as
the witch and you must not speak. Only with the complete illusion can
you make Ranma yours."
Ryoko: Eeeugh.
Megs: What? What?
Ryo: Wait a moment... if Kuno is going dressed as... and
if Kodachi....
Ryoko: Bingo.
Megs: WHAT?!
Ryo: Think we should tell him?
Ryoko: Nah.
Megs: HEY!
Everything is quiet for a bit before Kodachi nods. "Tell me where and
when I must meet my Ranma-sama."
The important thing is to do things in steps. No one will ever admit
what's happened, so I know I can take my time with them. And Jesus,
this I GOTTA see. Well, the aftermath at least... Um, that didn't
sound right. I gotta see their faces when they walk out of that love
hotel.
So I set them up in two days at 11 sharp. It was a bit of a pain
supplying them with outfits, but it was one of those necessary evils.
I got a room, one of the expensive ones, told Tatewaki what room he
should be in at 10:30 to prepare for his goddess, and made sure he
understood there was no yelling, poetry, glomping or flowers, lest his
chance to get lucky be ruined. ;)
[12 DAYS]
"Miss Hinako, that is a lovely dress you have on. Where did you get
it?" I ask, walking up behind her.
Megs: Hinako? Someone inflate her first, please.
She turns with that huge smile on her face, chocolate from the cookies
she was eating around her mouth. "Do you really like it? I got it
from..."
Gears begin to turn.
"Akane, how late does Kasumi usually stay up?"
Ryo: Bit of a nonexistant segway, wasn't it?
Megs: Be not insulting to the mistress!
Ryo: ...
"What time? Why?"
I shrug. "I don't know. I just hear her up late."
"I'm not really sure. Maybe 11 or 12. I'm usually asleep by the time
she finishes downstairs."
Well then, that won't be the only thing.
Ryo: Eh?
Megs: Did you get that? I didn't get that.
Ryoko: (shrugs)
"Kasumi, you should try this dress on. It'll look great on you."
"Why thank you, but I simply couldn't."
Ryo: Ah.. a Hinako dress on Kasumi?
Megs: It'd be kinda... er... tight, wouldn't it?
Ryoko: What, you're not getting off on this idea?
Megs: Too close to having an Oedipal complex. No thanks.
"No way. You've got to! Come on, you need to cut loose once in a
while. Get out of those dumpy old aprons and try something different.
Besides, I bet Dr. Tofu would love it."
She blushes and takes the dress.
"In fact, I bet he'll be showing up later tonight to see you." I give
her a sly wink and she blushes more.
"Excuse me, Mr. Tendo, I just wanted to thank you for allowing me to
stay here while I'm in Japan."
Ryo: Eh? She's not...
Ryoko: It's Bartram. Whadda YOU think?
Megs: WHAT are you people talking about?
He does that stupid little laugh. "Well, it was really no problem."
"As a small token of my appreciation, I'd like to treat you to
dinner." Apparently my reputation for not paying for anything I don't
have to has followed me because I can see he's kind of unsure about
it. "Maybe some loach with sake and beer..." So I've heard that this
loach is good stuff and I kind of want to try it for myself, and I
have a very distinct feeling Soun won't pass up free sake or food.
"It would be impolite of me to decline your offer. When were you
thinking?"
Hook, line and sinker, baby. "Tonight actually. If it's not too big of
an inconvenience."
"Of course not. You're the guest after all."
Wow. This is so cool. :)
Ryoko: Oh my, oh my. This isn't good.
Ryo: Seeing a Bartram story in action should be labeled as
hazzardous to one's mental health.
Megs: Hey man, I'm gonna get REAL irritated if someone
doesn't tell me what the heck's going on.
Ryo: Deal with it.
"Psst, Kasumi," I whisper to her.
"Yes?"
"A little birdie told me the doctor will be over tonight around 11.
You might want to be here to greet him in that dress."
She blushes a little more and nods.
"Now, Kasumi," I say quietly still. "You can't be nervous around him.
You have to be relaxed. He's a doctor and he's probably used to
sophisticated women coming on to... I mean, flirting with him. You
need to be cool."
Kasumi looks at me weird and I can tell she knows what I mean, but not
what to do about it.
So I whisper, "I think you should maybe try out some sake before he
gets here to calm your nerves." And start her smelling like a paint
thinner factory.
Kasumi shakes her head, but she kinda has this thoughtful look on her
face.
Cha ching.
Ryo: Let's see... Kasumi at... and Soun at.... aaaaaaaaaaagh.
Ryoko: What I was afraid of.
Megs: What? What?
Ryoko: He's absolutely clueless, isn't he?
Ryo: Tell me something new.
Megs: HEY!
***
Damn it. She was looking at me again. "It's not polite to stare," I
say.
"I don't trust Americans, and I don't trust you."
"That's cool. I wouldn't trust me either." I smile at her, but I can
feel one eyebrow arch subconsciously. I've just presented her with my
'I'm about to do something bad' look.
I don't know if bad was quite the right word.
Megs: And now we have the sex?
Ryo: Don't hold your breath.
"Mr. Tendo, you look very nice." I have to compliment because he's not
in that raggy old gi for once.
I'm not exactly a fashion plate, but I'm acceptable enough. He looks
like he could be my father anyway... sorta. "Are we ready?" I ask all
innocent like. Playing innocent was one thing I was good at.
Soun nods.
Megs: Now wait a sec... if Kasumi...
Ryo: Three...
Good thing I mysteriously had a wad of money big enough to choke a
horse with.
I help Soun stagger home. He smells like a gallon of paint thinner.
Talk about stank. We get back to the dojo and it's about 10 minutes to
11. I keep him outside for 5 minutes or so, and thankfully he's so
drunk, he's not singing or making noise... He's just about passed out
in fact.
Megs: And then Soun...
Ryo: Two...
"Come on, Mr. Tendo," I say, dragging him toward the door. "I think
you've got a visitor."
He says something all slurry that I can't understand, so I push the
subject. "I think it might be Miss Hinako. It kind of looks like her
dress." Feh, he's so drunk, he won't know how I know it looks like her
dress even though we're outside. "She's pretty tall for being
Japanese," I add so he knows she's in her adult form. :)
He mumbles something else, but makes like he wants the door open. Aha.
Megs: But they...
Ryo: One...
"Yeah, I think you should just go on in there and... you know. She
obviously likes you. I think this is what she's been waiting for all
this time..."
Soun breaks from my hold on him nearly busts through the door. I
didn't notice before that the suit he's wearing kinda looks like the
one Tofu wears at the end of the OAVs.
Megs: Eeeeewwwwwww!
Ryo: Ladies and gentlemen, we have comprehension.
This is where I make my exit. Fast.
Megs: Wah! She doesn't even balance it out by joining in!
[11 DAYS]
OK, so who's next? Maybe... heh. This'll be a little tougher as
Cologne is one seriously old nut to break, but I'll get her. And her
little purple-haired bimbo of a granddaughter too.
The Nekohanten it is. I just need to have a conversation with Shampoo
alone. If Mousse hears me, he'll ruin it. And I don't even want to
think about it if Cologne were to hear what I planned on telling
Shamps.
Megs: Shampoo, mmm, bimbo-licious.
Ryo: Wait... if Lara did Kasumi and Soun... then...
ALL (except Kyoko): AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!
Kyoko: What?! What?! TAKE OFF THE BLINDFOND AN'EARMUFFS!!
Hmm. If I can get her to deliver some ramen, that'll work. But I can't
do it from the Tendo's, and I don't want to be around there too much
considering the previous night's... events. Poor Soun. I'm sure he
doesn't remember a damn thing. I should have stayed to see what
happened, but I had gotten a little spooked. A little..
Ryoko: You should, you pervert!
Park, public phone, picnic... That'll pass. So once I'm at the park,
or close by, I find a phone and call the Cat Hair Cafe.
That dried up old turkey liver answers.
Megs: "Strong in the force is this one! Mmm!"
Ryo: Enough with the Yoda impressions.
Ryoko: What's Yoda got to do with this?
Megs: Well... little, old, wrinkled, etc....
Ryoko: Ah.
"Yeah, I'd like an order of deluxe, um, pork ramen delivered. I'm at
the park and decided on a picnic lunch. I hear you've got the best
ramen in town."
Megs: She said "pork"... huhuhuh
*** WHAP ***
Ryo: Enough, Butthead.
I don't make sucking up a practice, but I know how to
do it.
Megs: LARA-SAMAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Ryo: She didn't mean THAT kind of sucking up.
Megs: But I bet she-
*** WHAP ***
"Your order will be there in a few minutes."
Megs: Ah. A quickie.
"Thanks." I hang up the phone. "Ya wrinkled up brainwashing old bat."
I go to wait for Shamps to show up on her bike, then I can have that
little talk. I just hope she believes me; I wonder if the bond of
sisterhood is strong enough that she'll actually believe me... Never
know until you try. :)
A few minutes later (damn they were quick), here comes Shampoo,
toodling away on her bike. I raise my hand to get her attention and
let her know the order's for me. She pulls up, that big smile on her
face. She looks extra vacant today.
"Ramen cost 500 yen please," she says.
She doesn't sound nearly as stupid as I thought she would. I pass her
the money and take the food before I ask, "Have you managed to marry
that Ranma guy yet?"
I thought she might be a little suspicious, someone asking her this
out of nowhere, but nope. She just looks kind of sad, but determined.
"Airen not see that Shampoo better wife than violent girl. Not yet."
Megs: o/~ I'm a lonely girl, so lonely girl! o/~
Ryo: Megs joining DoCo, yes, that's likely.
Megs: Hey, a man can dream, can't he?
I nod with mock sympathy, then I get this insanely exaggerated look of
thought on my face. "But you're joku...
Megs: ... matte?
Ryoko: Bzzzt.
Ryo: That would be 'chotto matte'
Megs: Hey, I misheard. So sue me.
joko...
Megs: ... latte?
Ryoko: Bzzt.
Ryo: Hadn't had your morning coffee, eh?
a Chinese Amazon, right?" I ask.
Ryoko: *BABING* That's right, Lara! Tell'em what she's won!
Ryo: A four week vacation in-
Megs: MY BED!
*** WHAP ***
Ryo: Don't cut in on my comedy skits again.
Shamps nods.
Ryo: And I'm sure I heard something rattling in there.
"Why don't you just use the secret technique of Amazon reluctant
husband seduction?" I say nonchalantly while inspecting the ramen.
"What? How you know about Amazon secret techniques?"
Megs: Of course the sex goddess of the universe knows it!
Ryo: Ah...
Oh shit. Did I just stumble on a real technique? "Uh..."
Megs: She didn't know?
Ryo: Don't feel too bad.
"Shampoo never hear of that technique. How you know about it?"
Phew. I think I just dodged a bullet or two there. "Well." Ah shit.
"That's not important. The important thing is why you haven't used it
if you love him."
Shampoo looks as thoughtful as she can while she considers what I
said.
"I bet your grandmother could tell you. She's an elder, right?"
Ryo: She's an elder. Mt. Everest is tall. Space is big.
Ryoko: Heh.
Ryo: Ryouga is stupid.
*** WHAP ***
Ryo: HEY!
Shampoo nods and looks at me. "How you know?"
Easy one there. "I heard Mousse talking about it."
Shampoo starts swearing in Chinese. I hear Mousse's name mentioned a
couple times and know that things are working.
Ryo: o/~ MousseMousseMousseMousse, MousseMousseMousseMousse,
MousseMousseMousseMousse-MousseMousseMousseMousse o/~
*** WHAP ***
Ryoko: SNAP OUTTA IT!
Ryo: Sorry, I fell asleep listening to that 'meow mix' cat food
jingle...
"I mean, that'd work on Ranma right?" I ask innocently.
"Shampoo guess so. But great-grandmother never mention this
technique..."
"Maybe she knows how potent it is. She's probably afraid of you
hurting yourself or something. You know how over-protective
grandparents can be."
Ryo: *YAAAAAAAWN*
Ryoko: Never did care for Shampoo scenes either.
Megs: 'cept when she gets nekkid.
Ryo: What a surprise.
Megs: An'even then, the lack of brain cells is kind of a
turnoff.
Shampoo nods. "Maybe I ask."
"You could. You can probably find all sorts of stuff like that on the
internet too. I can't believe no one else has anything like that
floating around. Maybe if you practiced a little, then demonstrated it
to your grandmother, she'd be convinced enough to show you." This
would be tough, and I think I'll probably be running for my life after
it happens, but how can I pass it up?
Megs: She's really gonna go for it.
Ryoko: Ayep.
Ryo: Uuuuuugh.
Kyoko: HEY! BLINDFOLD! EARPLUGS! OFF! NOW!
Ryo: You think we should?
Ryoko: Nah. With a Bartram story, you never know when the
rampant sex is gonna start.
Megs: True, so true.
"Not bad idea. Great-grandmother always say Shampoo must be strong to
get strong husband. If I beat great-grandmother, she teach me new
techniques to get airen with."
She was thinking aloud, not that I'm all that surprised. She probably
tries to read the words when they come out of her mouth.
Ryo: No, she's just enjoying the echo reverberating from within
her skull.
But my good deed is done, and I thank her and watch her ride away. Oh
boy, this is really fun. ;)
Oh shit. It's like 5 and I have to get ready. I have a date to observe
this evening. So I need to rent a tiny camera and set it up in a
certain love motel room. I know the grin I've got on my face is crazy,
but this is too fuckin' funny.
I notice that when I'm done, my wad of cash is smaller than before,
but I'm sure I can call on my author powers to rectify that.
Ryoko: Author powers?
Ryo: Hrm.... sounds like a magical girl thing.
Megs: Lara inna sailor fuku... aaaaaah
*** WHAP ***
Ryo: If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times, don't
drool on my shoe.
So I find a cozy place outside that hotel at approximately 10:15
and prepare to be waiting for a while, spare camera in hand.
Megs: Eh? I've lost track of things. What's going on?
Ryo: Just wait for it.
I am very glad I slept in late that morning, because it's approaching
sunup and I haven't seen those two lovebirds exit the hotel yet. I
really need some sleep... Oh, thank God, here they come. I get my
camera ready, though they've been in there way too long for this to be
a surprise to them.
Megs: Um...
Ryoko: I don't even wanna talk about it.
Ryo: Good choice.
And as I watch them, they walk away slowly, calmly, and that's a lot
more frightening than anything else. Damn, I gotta get that tape out
of there.
[10 DAYS]
Okay, two and a half reluctant couples... ah crap, I forgot about
Nabiki. Fine, she's as easy to manipulate as she thinks everyone else
is. But I need something she won't pass up on. If she doesn't think
it's worth her time, she won't do it.
Ryo: And what's this in reference to?
Megs: Sex.
Ryo: Ah... you're probably right.
Money. It always comes down to that, but I don't have enough to make
it worth her while. I stare at the video tape in front of me, trying
to think of something that will be absolutely irresistible to her.
Megs: Well, the mistress Lara is the embodiment of anime sex
fantasies, so if she presents herself to Nabs...
Ryo: You _really_ think highly of her, don't you?
Megs: The Mistress is my goddess.
My brain needs a rest. It just refuses to think any longer, and I
STILL haven't had any sleep. Now I've got that goofy sleep-deprived
grin on my face. I try to look serious for a moment. Yes, I must watch
this tape to make sure the picture quality is good. That's it. I can't
hold that serious look and start smiling again.
Yeah, I'm a pervert.
Megs: DON'T EVER CHANGE!
No one's sued me for it yet. ;)
I can't say where I am. I don't want anyone to find me, and especially
not when I'm about to look at this tape. I giggle guiltily. I'm so
bad. I push play after rewinding it, and it begins.
Ryo: Er... does this tape...
I have to blink rapidly for several seconds because my eyes are
getting dried out. And I really need some water or something. And when
did it get so warm in here? Holy shit, I think they liked it. I
suppose that's not a surprise, but damn. Damn. Double damn. I mean,
holy shit.
Ryo: Whoa!
Ryoko: EEEW!
Megs: Ah....
There was a moment in the tape where they each start actually... ahem,
reaching their peaks, and that's when Tatewaki started. I guess he
couldn't hold it back any longer and started yelling out for his
pig-tailed goddess, and Kodachi... She wasn't any better, screaming
out for Ranma-sama.
Ryoko: Bit of a 'Black and Blue' flashback, eh?
Ryo: Wasn't that also a Bartram?
Megs: Yip.
Oh, oh boy. These were the Kuno siblings, and they weren't about to
stop until they were done. Or maybe they just didn't notice. Either
way, it wasn't until they were relaxing in the afterglow that it hit
them.
"Pig-tailed goddess?"
"Ranma-sama?"
Ryoko: Whuh-oh.
Ryo: Alas, the morning after effect, but much sooner and
far more harsh.
I bust out laughing as the two puzzled through what had just happened.
They weren't happy at all about the fact that they had just been
boffing each other, jumping to the completely wrong conclusion,
thinking the sorcerer and the witch had sabotaged their meetings...
What a riot!
But then, Lord help me, it went something like this:
"Tatchi..."
My eyes bug out.
Ryo: EEK!
Ryoko: EW!
Megs: Oh my.
"Kotchi..."
They bug out more.
Megs: Ara...
Ryo: Um...
Ryoko: Er...
The rest is unmentionable, though there were no more mentions of the
pig-tailed goddess or Ranma-sama. ;)
Sleep is needed. Oh boy, I finally had what Nabiki would want if only
for the blackmail material. Anything else, I don't want to think
about. I'll take care of her later,
Megs: With sex, right?
Ryoko: Has she done ANYONE in the story yet?
Megs: Well... no.
Ryoko: What makes you think that'll change?
Megs: Hey, hope springs eternal.
probably after she gets home from school.
Megs: With sex?
Ryoko: I give up.
***
Funny, I hadn't seen Soun or Kasumi at all. But that's fine because I
can manage to fix my own food. I'm making a snack when Nabiki gets
home. "Hungry?" I ask when she walks into the kitchen.
Her stares don't bother me now because this is gonna be so much fun.
She doesn't say anything, just giving me a dirty look.
"I've got something I want to show you," I say, still working on the
food. "And then, I suppose I have a... proposition for you."
"Proposition?"
Megs: "Why yes, Nabiki-chan. I know this nice hotel..."
"Yeah. We need to go someplace a little more private though. I don't
want anyone walking in. And a VCR. Need one of those too. Just after
my food is done."
Megs: SEX! SEX! SEX!
Ryo: Hate to disappoint you, but it's obvious she's going to
offer that tape of the Kuno pair.
Megs: ... I still cling to hope.
"So why are you here?" Nabiki asks. So much for small talk.
"Wish I knew. Really." I slurp my soup as Nabiki stares. God damn it.
"So what do you want then?"
"First, I want you to watch this teaser I... obtained." I pop the tape
in the VCR and hit play. I watch Nabiki's face as the picture comes
up. At first, she's her usual self, but when she sees exactly what's
going on and who's involved... Heh.
"Is that..."
"You betcher ass it is. And you thought they were fucked up before..."
I pause the tape.
Nabiki manages to stop staring at the TV to look back at me. "Who the
hell are you?" she asks.
Megs: Lara Bartram, your new mistress! Wahahhahaha!
"Just me. And now, here's my proposition. That tape was only five
minutes of... a lot of hours. I know how you operate; that tape is all
yours, plus a hefty cash bonus, if you manage to meet my challenge." I
smile a little.
Megs: Drat. No sex.
Ryo: Told you so.
She smirks. "How original. And if I lose?"
Oh good. She IS interested. But I knew she would be. SEVEN HOURS! How
could someone NOT be? Pulling myself together, I say, "If you lose,
it's simple. All you have to do is seduce Akane."
Hey, it's someone else's turn to have their eyes bug out. "Sed...
Akane?"
Megs: Ha! Sex!
Ryo: But not with Lara in it.
Megs: Take what I can get.
I nod, and finally smile something fiercely huge and smug. "Yep. You
put your best moves on your little sister, you take advantage of your
little sister." Now I point at the TV screen, which is paused in a
very interesting spot. "You do all the things you fantasized about
Kuno doing to you to your little sister." Kuno, Ranma, whoever, as
long as she gets my point.
Megs: And then Lara joins in?
Ryoko: Ryo? Mallet.
Ryo: Right.
*** WHAM ***
"Now, if you're too afraid of losing, that's fine. I realize how...
scared you might be. And that tape... I could imagine the mileage
you'd get out of it, the money you'd get out of the Kuno family
coffers..." So sweet... "It's a very simple challenge. A simple game
is all."
Amazingly, Nabiki recovers a lot quicker than anyone I would've
figured to after the two bombs I dropped. "Be more specific."
I shrug, still smiling. "What's your favorite board game?" The answer
I would have assumed would be Monopoly. I have never liked Monopoly.
"Monopoly," she says, and I smirk.
"Well, this game is quite similar to Monopoly. So what do you think?
It's either your gain or... Akane's gain." I wouldn't call the smile I
gave her evil, but I bet some people would.
"Agreed." What a laugh. She's just as prideful as the rest of them,
just in a different manner. "Now what's the game?" she asks.
"Let me get it and show you." Author powers kick ass because when I
leave the room and go to the room they had been letting me stay in,
there's the game. I grab it and go to show Nabiki. Something tells me
she won't be happy.
Megs: Author powers are cool.
I hold up the green box for her to see and she nearly pulls a
facefault. I look at her then the front of the box to make sure I have
the right one. Yep, that's it. 'Go For Broke' is the game I had picked
for us to play.
I sit down as she's recovering. "See, what I like about this game is
that it's different. The object is to LOSE all your money, not have
more than the other players." She does that facefault thing again and
it looks painful.
And so it starts, and it takes forever it seems like. I should have
remembered how long it took to play this game. But I have the upper
hand because I have experience in playing the game and I keep my goals
in focus. In this case, getting $1 million is not a good thing.
Things progress with Nabiki not ever quite able to get rid of the last
of her money. On the other hand, my cash supply is dwindling and soon
enough is gone. I am the victor. Heh heh heh.
Megs: The Diabolical Plot of Dr. Lara BarTram.
Ryo: Shouldn't that be "Fu Manchu?"
Megs: Well, in this case....
Nabiki looks like she might fall over and die right there. So I decide
to be generous. "I'll give you a second chance. You answer my question
and I'll give you the money and the tape."
She looks at me with murder in her eyes and nods.
"Good good. Describe, in detail..." I say this next part in English,
slipping the two rings off my right hand. "A hurts donut."
Ryo: Haven't heard that one.
Ryoko: Nor I.
Megs: An erotic toy, mebbe?
I can see she's trying to recall what kind of pastry that is. "There
is no such thing," she says finally, though she's not really sure.
I stand up and Nabiki does likewise. "Sorry, you're wrong," I say
quietly. I cock my arm back and drive it forward right into her nice
tender shoulder. I hurt my fist, but not nearly as much as her
shoulder as she spins around and wipes out on her desk.
I stand over her, and with a huge grin say, in English, "Hurts, don't
it?"
Ryo: Ouch. That was painful.
Ryoko: The punch?
Ryo: No, the joke.
Hoo boy. I have never seen someone look soooo pissed. ;)
[9 DAYS]
"I'm ho..."
The pan makes a weird clonk sound when it connects with Ranma's head.
I expected a bong, or clang, or clank or something, but no. Clonk.
I've never heard a clonk before. Maybe that means I hit him just
right. I sure hope so because I don't want to be on his bad side.
I drag him away, outside where no one can see and go to fetch some hot
water. Don't want the poor girl waking up and having a heart attack,
do I now?
"Are you OK?" I ask Ranko as she opens her eyes. I hope it's a she.
Please let it be Ranko... Please let it be Ranko...
Megs: Eh?
"Oh my," she says, putting her hand to her head. "What happened?" She
looks around, fluttering her eyelashes.
I celebrate inside; it's Ranko. It worked.
Megs: Oh. That.
Ryoko: Y'look disappointed.
Megs: Sure, Ranma's cute as a girl, but still... s'a guy.
Can't get worked up over that.
"You got a nasty bump. Looked pretty serious. How do you feel?" I ask
her, helping her to sit up.
Megs: o/~ I'm a bitch, I'm lover, I'm a child, I'm a mother! o/~
"F... fine." She sounds real nervous.
"Is there something else wrong?" I ask.
She looks at me and asks, "Who are you?"
Megs: o/~ Whoooooooooo are you? Who-who? Who-who? o/~
Amnesia. That can only assist me.
"I'm just a guest at this house where you're staying." Heck, it's even
the truth.
"Oh." Still she's looking confused. I have to get her out of view
before people start blabbing.
"Come on, Ranko, why don't you just lay down in your room."
"Sure..."
I shut Ranko safely up in her room
Megs: And have sex?
Ryo: Ha!
and move on to Genma.
Megs/Ryo/Ryoko: EEEEEEEEEW!
I'm still not totally sure what I'm going to do with him.
Megs: Anything but sex!
I mean, he'd probably toss his cookies if I suggested that
he should... Well, feh.
Ryoko: We'll toss ours if we have to see that round mound
do the wild thing.
"Um..."
I turn and see Ranko there, looking very embarrassed and
uncomfortable. "What is it? You should be laying down!"
I say, looking around and hoping no one else has seen her.
Megs: Layin'down... with Lara.
"Well, I wanted to change into some different clothes, but
all I could find were a bunch of boys clothing..."
Oh right. Damn it... Or maybe not. I think that's it.Normally,doing
something like this would need the cooperation of Ranma, and trying to
get him to lie effectively is nigh impossible. But Ranko, she doesn't
need to lie. She won't look uncomfortable in a dress, or lose her
balance in high heels, and she'll most likely want to change her
hair... Possibly even color it or highlight it.
"Right. I'll get you some more appropriate clothes. You just go back
and rest for now." Oh yeah, I'll have her set up and good.
The cash is getting very low. Hopefully this is the last time I'll
need it, but I save myself about 1000 yen just in case. I look at what
I've just traded everything but that 1000 yen away for. Coupons. A lot
of them. For an all you can eat surf and turf buffet. No expiration
date.
"Yo, Mr. Saotome," I say when I saw him waddling by in panda form. "I
wanna talk to you about something."
"Gawr rawf?"
Megs: "Mr. Saotome... are there some days when you have that
not-so-fresh feeling?"
Ryo: "Why yes. That is when I use the Anything Goes Secret
Technique of P-"
*** WHAP *** WHAP ***
Ryoko: IDIOTS!
"It'll only take a couple seconds. I'm sure you'll find it worth your
while." Come on, you stupid putz...
Megs: Y'know, if I didn't know better, I'd think Lara was
coming on to 'ol Genma.
Ryoko: Ewww.
He nods and comes over to listen to what I have to say. "Look, I know
this girl, we just met the other day, and well... I was hoping you
could do something for her."
Megs: (raising an eyebrow) Ranma and Genma?
Ryoko: Yep.
Ryo: She seems to be on this incest streak. You don't think...
Megs: HOW DARE YOU ACCUSE THE HIGH AND MIGHTY MISTRESS OF SUCH
A DEED!
Ryo: As if you wouldn't want to watch.
Megs: Well... maybe.
He whips one of those signs out that says
Ryo: {Snapple!}
Ryoko: {Obey your thirst. Drink Sprite.}
Megs: {Yes, I AM glad to see you.}
{Like what?}
Ryo/Ryoko/Megs: Dud.
Kyoko: Zzzzzzzz
Ryoko: Aw, the kid fell asleep. Should I-
Ryo: NO.
"It's kinda delicate, you know? She's a... she hasn't... She's pure,
and she wants a man to show her the ways, if you know what I mean."
He gives me this blank look, but realization begins to dawn on him. He
pulls out another sign. {I'm a married man!}
"Man, eh? Well, this girl wants you to do her a service, not marry
her."
{I couldn't possibly break my marital vows.} the sign says.
"She did say to give you these if you agreed, but since you won't..."
I made sure he saw the coupons, saw how many there were, and started
to walk away. "I guess I'll just have to burn these."
{Now just hold it a second...}
He flips the sign over. {Maybe we can work something out...}
Ryo/Ryoko/Megs: Ugh.
[8 DAYS]
Now where is that stupid cow? I need that schmuck to complete my
plans. Or maybe I should take care of Happosai first... He might
actually be the easier of the two. Hmm. Yes, I think him first. And
that entails a trip to the Cat Hair Cafe. I hope I don't interrupt
anything. :)
Ryo: Amazons?
Megs: Boooooooooooring! Next!
The sign says it's closed. That's pretty weird since the place should
be open right now. I peer through the door, trying to see inside, but
all is dark.
Megs: BOO!
Ryoko: AAAAAAH!
Megs: Heheh-
*** WHAM *** WHAM *** WHAM ***
Megs: -owww...
I try the handle and find it unlocked. This'll make things easier.
Guess they're a lot more trusting in China about leaving their doors
unlocked.
I go into the restaurant and it's quiet except for some quiet quacking
from Mousse locked in his cage in back someplace. Well then, this'll
be easier than I thought. I go back into the kitchen and look over the
shelves of spices and herbs and all that other crap.
Megs/Ryo/Ryoko: Mmmmmm, herbs and spices.... aaaaaaug (drool)
One thing in particular I'm looking for, but anything else that would
cause trouble would be OK too. Aha. That anti-woman stuff. Perfect.
Strangely enough, a cask on the counter practically screams to be
looked at. Lo and behold, a cask of water from the infamous spring of
drowned girl. I look at the cask of water and try to generate some
possibilities. Then the two bottles catch my eye.
Knowing kanji, I can see that one is either chicken beaks and sewage
water or passion spice. Why the hell would they just leave passion
spice sitting around? How incredibly stupid can you be? But the little
bottle next to it is even better. Hate herbs. I slap my forehead.
Shamps probably OD'd on spices since they're all sitting next together
like that... Damn, probably half of Nerima was hopped up on some weird
combination of Chinese spices and herbs.
Megs: o/~ Mellow yellooooow o/~
I stop suddenly, my eyes fixed on the passion spice. I look at it,
then at the cask. I look at the passion spice again, then the cask of
water. I toss away the anti-woman stuff and grab the girl water.
This'll be a lot more fun!
Megs: Lara having lesbian sex with Kuno?
Ryoko: Y-
Megs: NO! I'm NOT giving up hope!
I hold the bottle of passion spice up to see how much is there, to see
how much I can use safely. Enough, and when I get ready to leave, I
notice some similar looking powder on the counter. Oh no, I don't even
want to think about it. I shudder. Pocketing the stuff I borrowed, I
leave the kitchen, and then I hear it. And I wish I didn't.
It's Chinese. One young sounding female voice, and one *shudder* older
voice that if I didn't know, I wouldn't know if it was male of female.
That is my cue to get the fuck out of here before my brain turns to
stone or something.
Ryo: Pardon me whilst I... I... *BLEEEEEEEEEEEECH*
Ryoko: Ugh, oh, I've just lost my appetite!
Megs: Aaaarg, I need to see a therapist.
Ryoko: No, really?
Megs: I found that small snippet... somewhat stimulating.
Ryoko: Ewwwww!
Rushing out, I'm missing one element to this plan. Damn it, where is
that cow-boy? He better show up soon or everything will be ruined.
So I'm jogging back to the dojo when I see the Kunos, and at the last
minute hide in a doorway. I don't want to take any chances with them.
I plaster myself to the wall and hold my breath as they walk past. Not
a single glance is given in my direction.
They walk away and I watch them, and if I'm lying, I'm dying when I
say they held hands at one point.
I shiver involuntarily and head back to the dojo. That was very...
weird. I wonder if anyone else knows about it?
Ryoko: "Black and Blue" flashback indeed.
Megs: I think that, deep down inside, Lara really wants to
get it on with Kuno AND Kodachi.
***
It's dark, night out. I'm sitting downstairs with Akane and Nabiki,
and we're all watching TV. I'm barely paying attention really; I'm
pretty beat. The last week has been quite... active for me and I
haven't slept very well.
I offer the bowl of popcorn I've been munching on to Akane, who takes
it gratefully. She happily begins eating, and all is well with the
world.
"Hey, Nabiki, how much you wanna bet the Kunos are enjoying each
other's company?" I ask, smiling darkly.
Megs: How's that rhyme again? "Incest is the best, put your
sister to the test"?
Ryoko: IF YOU DARE TOUCH ME I'LL KILL YA!
Megs: Hey! I didn't mean it like that!
She looks at me blankly. "Nothing."
Ryoko: Pervert!
*** WHAP ***
Megs: Ow! CUT IT OUT!
Ryo: (Whistles innocently)
Akane looks at Nabiki and she's surprised. It would be to someone who
didn't know the things Nabiki and I knew about those crazy Kunos.
Akane turns her attention back to the TV when she sees how grumpy
looking her older sister is.
I know exactly what Nabiki's thinking and all I do is gesture at Akane
with my head, still smiling.
Nabiki scowls at me and I can feel the ice in the room. It doesn't
manage to lessen my smile though.
Ryoko: Oh my.
Ryo: Speaking of "sister to the test"...
Megs: ...
Ryo: What?
Megs: Oh, sure. YOU say it and it's fine. I say it and
it's mallet time.
Ryo: What can I say? You're more deserving.
She maintains her look for a bit before I see her lose that edge. This
is it! Not that I'm gonna watch or anything. That's not really my
thing.
Nabiki scoots over to sit next to Akane. I think she's sitting a
little closer than most sisters would, but Nabiki's smart. "Can I
share that popcorn, Akane?" she asks.
Akane doesn't seem to notice that Nabiki is sitting a lot closer than
she should be. "Sure!" She sets the bowl where Nabiki can easily reach
it and continues watching TV.
The girl is thick. There's no way around it. She's nice enough and
all, but she seems to have that same problem about not seeing reality
very well.
I fake a yawn. "Well, I think I'll be heading up to bed. G'night," I
say, standing up and stretching.
"Good night," Akane says.
Nabiki glares at me and I wink at her.
I silently mouth 'good luck' and start to walk away. I look back in
time to see Nabiki put her arm around Akane like they're on a date. I
really want to stay and at least see if things get going, but I'm so
tired, I can't stop yawning. Beddy bye for me.
Ryoko: Jeez. They coulda called this one 'Incest-icide'.
[7 DAYS]
I come downstairs, feeling half-dead. I always feel that way in the
morning no matter how much sleep I get. No matter how dead I feel...
Nabiki looks ten times worse.
"Good morning, sunshine," I say to her and manage to crack a smile.
Woo hoo hoo. She IS mad. "It wasn't that bad was it?" I ask.
She only glares at me and then rolls up her sleeve so I can see her
arm. There's a nasty looking bruise blooming in 5 colors there. Ouch.
"Akane did that?" I say looking at the bruise.
She nods.
Megs: o/~ Sometimes I feel I've got to - o/~
Ryoko/Ryo: o/~ DAA-DAA o/~
Megs: o/~ Run away, I've got to - o/~
Ryoko/Ryo: o/~ DAA-DAA o/~
Megs: o/~ Get away, from the pain you driiiive
into the heart of me! o/~
"Your little sister is one kinky girl," I say almost under my breath.
"What about your shoulder?"
She rolls up her other sleeve and reveals a bruise about the size of a
grapefruit. That looks like it musta REALLY hurt when it happened.
Heh. Whoops. Wait, half my face had been seven colors way back when I
had surgery over my eye. A little soft spot on her shoulder isn't
going to hurt.
"Hey," I say, trying to put a good spin on things, "at least I didn't
hit ON you."
She turns away in disgust to head to the bathroom and the light
reflects off the shiny, poofy flesh under her eye.
I'm about to say something when Akane comes skipping down the stairs.
She's smiling and she looks happy, and oh no, I don't wanna think
about it...
Megs: o/~ Hey little sister, what have you done? o/~
o/~ Hey little sister who's the only one? o/~
o/~ Hey little sister who's your superman? o/~
o/~ Hey little sister who's the one you want? o/~
Ryo: Who is... Billy Idol?
Ryoko: BINGO!
All I can say is the sooner I'm out of here, the better.
"How'd you sleep?" I ask her.
"Great!" She looks at Nabiki's back, then back at me when Nabiki shuts
the bathroom door.
Ryoko: I think she's radiating an AI field.
Ryo: AI field? Don't you mean AT field? As in the
Evangelion thing?
Ryoko: Nonono. AI field.
Megs: Absolute Incest?
Ryoko: Bing.
I pretend I don't notice those silly looks she's giving her sister and
begin eating. I suppose it really was Akane's gain since she seems
even happier than the Kunos about things. I don't think I'll ever
figure people out; they're just too weird.
"So, what do you think you'll be doing tonight?" I ask out of
curiosity. It appears that I've totally turned Nerima upside down
because the place is just so quiet.
Akane shrugs, glancing towards the bathroom every once in a bit.
"Nothing probably. I don't think Nabiki's doing anything tonight;
maybe I'll stay home and rent a movie to watch with her."
I bet. :)
Megs: Watch a movie, make a movie, etc...
***
Is it luck or something else? I don't know, but I'm not questioning it
either. It just seems that stuff is falling into place, and that helps
me.
And the most unpredictable piece has fallen into place. Not that I was
really planning anything that involved him, but this would just be
funny.
"Hey! Hold up!" I have to jog to catch up with him. "Hey there, would
you mind if I took you out to lunch?"
"Who are you?" he asks, completely befuddled. Typical. Moron.
Ryo: Must be Ryouga.
Ryoko: Shut up!
"I'm a friend of Akane's." This was more true than I had ever really
considered, even if Akane wasn't aware of it.
"Akane..." Right away he spaces out. Wow, this'll make things easier
than I thought.
"Come on, retard.
Ryo: Definitely Ryouga.
Ryoko: Hrmph.
"We're going to Ucchan's," I say and grab his arm,
dragging him away.
Megs: At last, some non-incest sex here.
I shove the lifeless husk into chair, making sure his eyes are still
covered by the bandanna. "Service," I say loudly, but not too
impolitely.
"What'll it be?" Ukyo asks from her spot behind the grill.
"Two specials," I answer.
Ukyo looks at me and nods, then at Ryoga. "Did you mention Akane
around him?" she asks.
"Yep. I was gonna take him out to lunch and he asked who I was. I've
never gotten such a positive reaction from saying I was a friend of
Akane's."
"Friend of Akane's?"
"Well, not really, but I'm staying at the Tendo's while I'm here in
Japan. I'll only be here another week." Amazing. Ukyo's actually
personable and friendly. You'd never know the heart of an obssessive-
compulsive psychopath beats in her chest. "The place looks a little
dead," I say, looking around. "Why don't you join us?"
Megs: Join them... for sex?
Ryoko: ... never mind.
Ukyo looks hesitant, then looks at the absence of customers and
shrugs. "What the hell... Let me finish up your food."
A few minutes later, Ukyo sits down at the table with three plates of
okonomiyaki. She smiles and she almost looks well-adjusted. "Have you
ever had okonomiyaki before?" she asks.
"Nope," I answer and begin the task of trying to wake Ryoga up. I
remove the bandanna from his eyes (the problem with doing things by
the seat of your pants - you often do things for no real reason) and
slap him, hard, across the face. "Yo, pig! Wake the hell up!"
Apparently, the pig thing got to him because his eyes roll back from
up in his head and he looks around. "Where..."
"My restaurant. Eat up," Ukyo answers, pointing at the okonomiyaki. "I
even left off the pork since you seem to hate it so much."
Ryoga looks confused, but just goes with the flow and we all start to
eat.
About half way through the food, I ask, "Hey, Ukyo, do you think you
could go get some drinks? This is a little spicy."
She laughs a little and says, "Sure." She gets up and goes to get
something to drink.
I immediately drop my napkin on the floor. "Hey, Ryoga, could you pick
that up for me?"
He nods and immediately bends down to get it. Of course, the napkin is
down by my feet, so he has to get on his hands and knees under the
table to get it.
I pull the secret sauce ingredients out and sprinkle some on Ukyo's
and Ryoga's food, then stow them as Ukyo returns with some water.
Megs: While the sex aspect is to be expected, I must say
this is a rather tame paring by the Mistress' standards.
Ryoko: Hrm. You're right.
Ryo: Indeed.
"Where's Ryoga?" she asks.
"Um..." I look under the table and he's disappeared. Damn it, how the
hell does he do that?
"Where am I!?" Ryoga yells from the other side of the restaurant. and
both Ukyo and I bust out laughing.
"Thanks for getting my napkin, Ryoga," I say as he returns to the
table. And now my timing is so important...
Both of them are about to take another bite when I interrupt. "Where's
the restroom?"
"Over by the grill," Ukyo says, pointing back.
"Thanks." I get up and walk nonchalantly back there when I really wish
I was running.
Megs: Nono, stay around!
Ryo: Told you she'd never.
Megs: Perhaps she's saving herself for that special someone...
Ryoko: Perhaps.
Ryo: Or someones... no... wait... she hasn't written group
orgy yet.
Megs: Or maybe she's saving herself for.... WAIT FOR ME,
LARA-SAMAAAAAAAAAAA!
Ryoko: Gimmie a break.
I get in the bathroom and close the door. No point in locking it
really. I figure those two could bust it down anyway if they figure
out what I did. I keep waiting to hear some shouting, or threats, or
them marching toward the bathroom, but there's only silence.
Then all hell breaks loose and I open the door a crack.
"Get AWAY from me!" Ryoga yells, standing up and knocking his chair
over.
Ryoko: GET AWAY FROM HIM, YA HUSSY!
"But Ryo-chan... I LOVE you! I WANT you! I want to feel your fangs
biting my..."
Ryo: Hrm. Kinky.
Ryoga cuts her off screaming bloody murder, then fires a ki blast
towards her.
Ukyo's pretty spry though and springs aside, immediately diving, arm
outstretched, for Ryoga's package.
Eek. I guess I didn't really predict that this would happen. I just
expected those two to engage in rough and kinky sex or something.
Ryoga knocks over the table, keeping Ukyo away from him and his little
piggy. "Don't get NEAR me!" He steps back, tripping over his chair.
"Come 'ere, Ryoga. This'll be fun," Ukyo says, advancing on him, hands
curved into claws. I think she's drooling a little.
"AHHH! No! Don't touch me! Get away!" Ryoga scrambles to his feet and
takes off out of the restaurant.
"Get back here!" Ukyo yells after him and follows.
And there is silence once again. ;)
Megs: The mistress Lara... setting up No Sex?
Ryo: Yep.
Megs: No! Blasphemy!
Ryoko: Nope.
Megs: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
[6 DAYS]
It's the scheduled time for Ranko and Genma.
Megs/Ryo/Ryoko: Eewwww.
Yuck that sounds disgusting.
Ryoko: No, ya think?!
I have to kinda talk Ranko through this so she knows
everything's going to be OK. She is a virgin, or I assume she is. She
sure acts like one. But it takes some elaborate lie-spinning before I
can convince her that this is the right thing to do.
Too bad she's not more like her father and I could just wave a stack
of pancakes in front of her face... But that's not very nice. She's a
lot nicer, friendlier, intelligent... Everything that Genma isn't.
I hand Ranko a cup of warm sake. She doesn't need to be drunk, just a
little loose.
"OK, Ranko. You remember everything I told you about him, right?"
Ranko looks nervous about this, but she doesn't need to be. She nods a
little reluctantly.
"You look great! Your hair looks fabulous; much better than that old
braid. And your makeup is exquisite!" I praise her, relaxing her
somewhat.
"Don't worry. He'll know. And make sure you say it afterwards. During
and you might scare him away. Men are very sensitive after all." Yeah,
about as sensitive as a dismembered penis.
Megs: Bad mental imagery, baaaaaaad mental imagery.
I stop talking because I realize I'm not making any sense to myself,
let alone Ranko. Lack of sleep is catching up with me fast. "Anyway,
Ranko, just know that he loves you, otherwise he wouldn't have taken
care of you all these years, ever since he found you abandoned on the
road side..." What a complete bullshit story. I can't believe she
actually thinks it's true.
Ranko nods, her eyes wide and shining.
Megs: That ain't all s'gonna be wide and shining.
[5 DAYS]
Still no sign of bovine-boy. Time is running down. I feel real nervous
with that water sitting around, not that it would be a big deal to me,
but someone else might find it and use it. I just want to do this so I
can sit and watch everything explode around me. :)
Megs: She'll need an umbrella.
Ryoko: What for?
Megs: Well, if everyone's gonna be, y'know.. *AHEM* exploding...
Ryoko: EWW!
Any more of this waiting and I just might go insane myself and decide
to stay here... I doodle on a piece of paper, unable to hold still for
very long. Oh, I really hate waiting.
Megs: Why wait? DO ME NOW, LARA-SAMA!
*** WHAP ***
Ryoko: Down, boy. Down.
Basically, I stay in my room. I don't want to have any more contact
with the others than I have to. It can't lead to anything good.
[4 DAYS]
My first glimpse of him. Man, he looks like an even bigger wuss in
real life than he did in the manga.
Ryo: Ryouga again?
Ryoko: Hey!
Some intimidating force Pantyhose is.
Ryo: Pfeh. Oh, him.
Ryoko: You've met?
Ryo: Been there, mauled that.
It looks like he borrowed some of Kodachi's eyeshadow for God's
sake. He should probably count himself lucky Happosai didn't name him
Makeup.
Ryo: Or Silky Darling...
Ryoko: Or Bra-Strap...
But I have more important things to do than make fun of nylon child,
Megs: Or that. Score one for Lara-sama. Heheh.
so as he drops by (out of chance, I suppose) I head out to meet him.
"Hey fem-boy!" he yells from his spot next to the pond.
Too bad Ranko doesn't respond to the taunts. Yeah, some taunt. I've
heard better ones from 7 year olds.
Downstairs, I just need to coax Happosai out of his room to set Taro
off. I've got the cask under one arm and hastily mix some of the
passion spice into it.
Megs: Taro? Happo? Ewwwwww.
Ryo: All they need now os Zippo and Groucho.
I go to Happosai's room and knock on the door. There's a satisfied
call of 'panties!' before the door opens slowly and the little turd
pokes his head out.
"Happosai, I gotta show you this..." I say. It's the best thing I can
come up with at the moment.
"Sorry, I've got some panty sorting to do."
Ryo: Happosai refusing a woman? Odd.
"Dang, I guess I'll just have to throw all those panties away then," I
say. "I just thought you might..."
"Where!?" Happosai shoots out of his room like he's got rockets in the
bottom of his feet.
"Outsi..." I start to say but he's gone.
Then I hear the two of them and run to see what they're up to, careful
not spill any of the water.
"You old goat, I'll make you change my name if it's the last thing I
do," Taro threatens.
"Where's the panties?" Happosai asks, completely ignoring Pantyhose.
Megs: "Where's the beef?"
Ryo: Actually, if you splash Taro with water...
"Damn it, old man. You can't ignore me!" Taro charges Happosai, his
vaunted patience and quickness no match for Happi, who sidesteps. Taro
flies past Happosai and smashes against a wall.
Damn it. That's the house they're starting to destroy...
Taro stands up and shakes his head, getting the cobwebs out. "You've
made a fool out of me for the last time, old man," he says. A weird
flickering light appears around Taro's body. This must be a real
battle aura.
Huh. Neat trick. But Happi's got his D-cells powered up
Ryoko: The Energizer Pervert.
Ryo: He keeps on going and going and going and going...
and also has a battle aura.
Ryoko: Free with 12 proofs of purchase.
His is a lot more impressive than Pantyhose's.
Megs: Wow, Happosai's is bigger? Man, Taro is gonna be real
insecure in the sack after-
Ryoko: His BATTLE AURA, moron! Not THAT!
Megs: ... oh.
Naturally that doesn't keep Taro from charging the little man.
This time, Happi doesn't dodge Taro when he charges, and there's a
flare of light as their two auras meet.
Crossing my fingers and knocking on wood, I take the cask on both
hands and fling its contents at the bright light. I then drop the cask
and hide around the corner.
The light disappears almost immediately and there isn't any shouting
or anything. I peer around the corner and what do I see? A big, stupid
looking cow monster and a short, yet curvy, young girl. And they're
looking at each other dreamily. Lucky for me, they each happened to
swallow some of that passion spice or whatever.
The mouths of gift horses... don't look into them. :)
Ryo: And we are thankful that Lara has shown enough wisdom
to NOT show this particular horror show in detail.
Ryoko: Amen.
[1 DAY]
It's a school day. I've got one last thing I feel compelled to do. I
look at the stuff that's left over and know someone can put this to
good use. I scribble out a quick note then hide the little bottles in
Nabiki's room. I just hope she doesn't find them before I'm gone.
Megs: Uh? What's in the bottle? What's in the bottle?
Ryoko: o/~ Message inna boooooottle o/~
Megs: Ugh.
Ryoko What? You don't like the music of The Police?
[0 DAYS - ARMAGEDDON]
I look upon the destruction and chaos I have wrought. Well, sorta. The
Kunos appear, if not normal, happy. Nabiki's still pissed at me, but
Akane sure seems happier than a bug in a rug. Ranko and Genma... I
just hope they don't run into Nodoka any time soon. Taro and Happosai,
I really don't know. I think Taro was still trying to "convince" Happi
to change his name. I don't know who to feel more sorry for.
Myself mostly for accidentally picturing those two in my mind.
Ryo: Suitable punishment for such a heinous track record.
I still haven't seen Soun and Kasumi since that fateful night.
Ryo: Let's-
Ryoko: Not-
Megs: Go there.
Ryo/Ryoko/Megs: Right.
(brief pause)
Ryoko: You DID mean NOT go there, RIGHT, Megs?
Megs: HEY!
Maybe I went overboard with those two,
but since I don't know how they are,
I'll never know.
Ryo: Really? You think so?
I actually feel kinda bad about that. But I've done
so much good beside that. ;)
Megs: You've done good, you've done bad, now DO ME!
Ryo: Dream on.
Megs: I intend to.
I mean, I've solved quite a few problems for Ranko and Akane, even if
their engagement is off. Heck, Ryoga and Ukyo have been gone ever
since that day I drugged their food, and with pig-boy's sense of
direction, I'm not sure they'll ever be seen again.
Ryo: She could always kill him.
Ryoko: I don't think so.
Ryo: Or let me kill him.
Ryoko: As if you could.
Ryo: HEY!
So now that I've done all this, I just have to get back home. It'll be
nice getting back to regular food and everything. It's just not
possible for me to live on seafood and eat soup for breakfast for two
weeks.
I stand out in the yard and wait. Any moment now, I'll get zapped back
home or something. That's it. I just wait and it'll happen. Juuust
wait. I whistle a little something, not even sure what it is, waiting
for that flash of light to hit me again. OK, any time now...
"Going somewhere?"
Megs: To my bed!
Ryo: Any further comment from me or my sister would be redundant.
I look behind me and see Nabiki. She looks a LOT worse for wear.
"Home, hopefully," I answer.
"Home," she says and sounds bitter. "What about my home?"
Megs: You could always shack up with Lara, the luuuuuuv Goddess.
And I know she has a point. Gah. That guilt thing starts to kick in
and I don't feel so happy now. I shrug. "It's too late now. Whatta you
want me to do?"
She walks toward me, and it's more of a limp. Jesus, Akane. No wonder
she liked Ranma, considering the abuse he could take. Nabiki gets
about 3 feet away and shakes her head. "It's too late. Everything is
ruined."
This doesn't sound like the Nabiki I'm used to. "What do ya mean? You
should be able to think of some way out of things..."
She laughs bitterly. "How? You've destroyed everything for me.
Kuno-chan has no interest in either Akane or Ranma any longer. Ryoga
has disappeared along with Ukyo, Ranma's a girl and doesn't fight
anymore, and I haven't seen Kasumi or Dad in over a week." If I didn't
know better, I'd say she's about to cry.
"So you see, I've lost my most important sources of income, and I now
have my sister intruding on me in the middle of the night. Thanks
loads."
Okay, she's done it. She's made me feel not just guilty, but very
guilty. I hate that. "Well, I don't know what to tell you. I
suppose..."
"The Tendo dojo!"
Oh. Oh no. Oh no, too soon. Oh no, I'm dead.
Nabiki looks around. "That sounds like Shamp..."
Megs: Oh? Curly and Moe oughta be near.
Ryo: SHAMP, not SHEMP.
The wall explodes before she can finish her sentence and I'm almost
running before I can register who it is. As I sprint by Nabiki, I toss
her the tape I had made and say, "It was real. Take care of Kuno for
me..." And then I'm running faster than I ever thought I could.
Oh blessed light, get me the hell out of here!
Megs: LARA-SAMAAAA! RUN TO ME!
And almost as I think my time is up and I'm going to get a beachball
on a stick embedded in my head, that light does hit me, and I have
never felt so much like saying 500 Hail Marys.
Megs: Except after...
Ryo: Yeah yeah, sex.
And maybe I didn't get my tape, but it was all worth the effort and
trouble. Maybe there's something to those SI fics after all...
Megs: Yeah, like-
Ryoko: Sex, right, okay.
Megs: Well I was GONNA say ego-gratification, but since YOU
are in such a perverted state of mind...
Ryoko: (glares at Megs)
Megs: Okay, okay, I was gonna say Sex.
[EPILOGUE]
"Another back massage, Father?"
"That would be wonderful, Kasumi."
Kasumi sat down next to her father in the warm sand. The ocean was
calm as she spread oil on her father's back. She adjusted the white
bikini she was wearing before she started giving him a massage.
A young island native came up to them and bowed deeply. In his hand he
had a postcard. "Mister, Missus, mail for you."
"Thank you, Robert," Kasumi said and took the postcard.
Robert left them as Kasumi began to read.
"Father, it's from Nabiki and Akane." She showed the card to her
father, who grunted in response. The picture on it was of Mount Fuji.
'Kasumi, Daddy,
We miss you, but we're all doing fine. We haven't seen
Ranko or Genma for a while, but I suppose they're fine.
We hope you're having a nice time on the islands. Kodachi
managed to teach Akane how to cook! It was amazing! And
even though Kuno-chan still tries to get her in bed, she
won't let him touch her (though she doesn't seem to mind
Kodachi).
Miss you a lot, call if you need more money...
Nabiki, Akane, Tatewaki, Kodachi'
Megs: *sigh* This fic is like a bad date.
Ryoko: How so?
Megs: Lots of hinting, lots of promising, but no-
Ryo: Sex. Right. Okay. Get some therapy, eh?
Kyoko: Zzzzz....
Ryo: Wake up, Kyoko.
Kyoko: Mmmm... nng... wha...
Ryoko: Show's over, kid.
Kyoko: Wha..... HEY!
*** WHAP *** WHAP *** WHAP *** WHAP *** WHAP *** WHAP ***
-The End-
Coming up next on The More Things Read:
Mike Loader's, "Bring Me The Head of Ranma Saotome".