Blackstan: Welcome to my first MST3king. Let me introduce myself. My
name is Stanley R. Teriaca, but you can call me Blackstan, Fanfic
Surgeon. To my right is Hibiki Butaga.
Butaga (waves nervously).
Blackstan: And to my left, Saotome Umasora.
Uma: Blackstan No Baka! (Mallets blackstan with a 100 ton mallet). You
*Know* is despise being called *Umasora*.
Blackstan (weekly): so sorry...forgot...
Date: Fri, 1 May 1998 18:55:12 -0500 (CDT)
Blackstan: And on the 8th day, God did a fanfic.
Uma: And what about the fanfic *you* are suppose to write?
Blackstan: I a lazy son. I freely admit it.
Things may be a bit confusing at first, but all will be
revealed...eventually.
Blackstan: Are they not always?
CRISIS ON EARTH-R!
by Scott K. Jamison
(Takahashi disclaimer)
Part One: When Titans Clash!
Blackstan: And I thought DC comics solved that problem in 1989.
Butaga: Wasn't Earth R the home of all their bought-out characters?
G G G G G
The clock-radio sprang to life.
Uma: Someone get Dr. Frankenstine on the phone. We got another living
clock to be fixed.
#In other news today, US President Clinton announced new
countermeasures to the growing threat of--#
Blackstan: Monica-type lawsuits.
Ranma flicked the switch to "off". He didn't need to hear the
rest of the story,
Butaga: Which is why the news keeps on foucsing on it in the first
place.
as he had selected this radio station based on how
annoying its announcer's voice was.
Uma: Oh no...the announcer is...Pee Wee Herman.
He glanced over at his wife. Still sleeping, so he decided to
let her rest. How long had she been the first one up, always making
sure
everyone was fed and the household in running order?
Blackstan: Humm...is this Akane we are talking about?
Uma: Don't even joke about mom!
Butaga: Who always feeds everyone Jusenkyo Crunch cereal in the morning?
She deserved to
sleep in once in a while. He'd make his special omelette for her,
breakfast in bed.
Blackstan: Ick...bed omelette.
Butaga: Well, it beats eating your pillow. Or eating Jusenkyo Crunch
everyday for the rest of your life.
But first, a quick shower. Ranma slipped out to the bathroom,
and soaped up. He rinsed off with cold water, feeling the strange
tingle
he always did when his curse activated.
Blackstan: Better be careful, Ranma. That tingle might be...breast
cancer.
Even after all this time, he
still couldn't quite get his mind around his female body.
He quickly turned the dial to hot, and luxuriated in the return
change. Quickly toweling off, he posed in the mirror. Still a damn
fine
body, he assured himself. Okay, a few wrinkles here and there, and
some
graying at the temples, but pretty good for a man of his age.
All (singing): Your not fully clean unless your Jusinkyoly clean.
Then it was down to the kitchen. He made a little show of
producing the omelette, the way he'd picked up from Ucchan so long ago.
Blackstan: I hope that is not all he picked up from her.
(Uma mallets Blackstan again).
Uma: Blackstan No Hentai!
He did it even when, as today, there was no one to watch.
Apparently though, he'd made a little too much noise, as there
was a white-haired woman coming down the stairs.
Butaga: Oh no...it's a ghost...or worse, Ukyou powdering her hair with
flower.
"Morning, Akane! Just sit yourself down in the dining room, I'm
almost done."
Blackstan (micking Akane): But...I haven't cooked anything yet? It was
suppose to be *my* turn cooking something.
"Good morning, dear. I could have made breakfast," she replied
in that lovingly crotchety way of hers.
Butaga: Lovingly crotchety...shorthand for 'hide the mallets, and other
heavy implements of doom'.
(Uma pulls out a desk, and clobbers Butaga with it).
Uma: What was that, Buta-chan?
"A man should help sometimes. After all, it's 1998, isn't it?"
Uma: White hair...children all grown...and it is 1998? Darn...it is not
the futer which me and Butaga comes from.
Blackstan: I could of told you that.
S S S S S
Ranma leaped to another rooftop, shivering in his red and black
spandex outfit. The weather was unseasonably cold for May, probably
due
to his opponent's efforts.
"Stupid Tenki-baba, stupid laundry not having my winter uniform
back yet, stupid me for coming out of retirement yet again!"
Blackstan: Oh no...it's Ranmaman.
Uma and Butaga: Nana-nana-nana-nana-nana-nana-nana-nana Ranmaman!
Blackstan: Well, as long as he doesn't have a sidekick, like...Spatula
Girl, or CatGirl, or...Mu-Mu The Invincible.
He could have been in a nice warm lab right now, but no, he had
to be talked into putting on the Wild Horse costume again because the
Defenders of Japan had gone missing and the supervillians had taken
this
as a sign to come out in droves.
Blackstan: Would this 'defender of Japan' happen to dress like a samurai
and use a boken? I think I saw him 3 blocks over talking to the X-Men.
"Ukyou would have made sure my uniform was ready." He smiled
grimly at this bit of self-pity. He'd relied on Ukyou for so much.
Blackstan: Jeze...he really *does* have a sidekick called Spatula Girl,
does he?
Snowflakes alerted him that he was getting closer to the scene of
the weather witch's latest crime. Ranma pressed the utility belt
button
that drenched him in cold water, triggering his change.
Butaga: And we all know that...
All: Real Martial Artiest Don't Need No Stinking Utility Belt!
"Achoo! Dammit, a middle-aged guy like me shouldn't have to get
chilled like this."
Blackstan: Try telling that to Genma.
He stood up on the nearest ledge, and spotted Tenki-baba. "Your
reign of terror ends now, witch! Prepare to get your butt kicked by
Wild
Horse!"
Uma: What is he now, Sailor Moon?
Butaga: I bet their is a Hero Code governing this sort of thing.
He hated these stupid speeches, but the 1997 changes to the Hero
Code required them.
B B B B
Ranma was looking forward to his seventeenth birthday. Not just
because of the prospect of gifts,
Blackstan: As long as no greeks bring them, or geeks.
though he did like the idea, but being
one year closer to finally being an adult and able to make some of his
own decisions. It didn't occur to him (except in short really
depressed
moments) that it was his very inability to realize he already was
making
decisions that led to most of his problems.
Butaga: I thought most of his problems were caused by your Granpa always
engaging him.
Uma: Well, ya...but now that he is in the zoo, he is happy.
Butaga: 3 meals a day, and all the sex you can stand, who wouldn't be...
(Uma mallets Blackstan again)
So far, Ranma's day had been pretty typical, other than not
making Akane mad once (Shampoo had done it for him.)
Butaga: Why put off today, what you can get others to do for you right
now.
That is to say,
hectic. He expected at least one more challenge before dinner (at
least
his mother was cooking tonight, so that shouldn't be a challenge in and
of itself),
Uma: Your insulting mom's cooking? I better move to another zip Code if
I were you.
so it came as no surprise when there was a knock at the door.
Butaga: You mean...their is a door?
Well, a little bit of a surprise, since most of Ranma's enemies
(and friends) didn't bother knocking. Thus, Ranma refrained from
looking
too ready for battle when he opened the door.
Blackstan: I am Ryu. You know, from that street fighter game. I am hear
to challenge you...as soon as you open the door.
This was fortunate, as the person on the other side wasn't a
martial artist. It took Ranma a moment to place her, as she was one of
his classmates who tended to blend into the background,
Blackstan: Probably because she Probably was just created for this
fanfic, and is not one of Takahashi-sama's characters.
Butaga and Uma: Gee, what gave you that ideal?
Blackstan: The little tag on her saying, "Caution, this is not a
Takahashi-sama character."
but her odd eyes
reminded him.
"Uh, Miyo, isn't it?"
"Yes, Mr. Saotome. May I come in?" After looking around for his
father, he realized she meant him, and nodded.
They went into the living room, and not being up on polite
behavior towards guests, Ranma sat down.
"So," he asked, "You here to see Akane?"
Blackstan (mimicking Miyo):"Yes I am. I want to sleep with her."
(Uma mallets Blackstan yet again).
"No." The young woman seemed to have a poker face that rivalled
Nabiki's.
"You ain't recently discovered your father and mine engaged us,
right? I hate when that happens."
Uma: So do I. Even now, in my time, he is *still* doing that.
Miyo smiled, just a little. "No, this has nothing to do with
your playboy ways. You remember that I read the Tarot?"
Blackstan: You mean the one Gos always plays with, along with his
blow-up voodoo doll?
Uma: Your being hentai again!
"Uh, yeah..."
"Well, I had the unsettling experience today of getting the exact
same spread three times in a row, on three different questions."
Blackstan: Sounds like the wicken rule of 3 to me.
While Ranma wasn't really up on probability theory, he knew that
that was pretty unlikely. "So, did I accidentally step on your deck or
something? I dunno if my curse would mess it up..."
"No, but once I realized what the cards were telling me, I asked
them what to do, and the signs indicated I should come to you."
Butaga: In other words, a plot device. But...why him, and not the obaba?
Ranma rubbed the back of his head. "Uhh...I really ain't too
fond of magic, you know. Why me?"
All: Because your the star of the fanfic, silly.
Miyo shrugged. "Unclear. But unless you do something in the
very near future, what I don't know either, the world will be
destroyed.
Blackstan: And on the 999999999th day, God said, "Oh, the heck with
it...I'll destroy the world."
TO BE CONTINUED
SKJAM!
Blackstan: And this finishes up this successful operation.
Uma: More like a butcher job.
Butaga: Join us next time when we see just how flat Uma can pound
Blackstan into.
All: Good night.
______________________________________________________
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