(We open with the the set of the Dr. Who Tardis set, the one in that 1994
Fox special, probably the worst Dr. Who shows of all time. A-ko, Andrew,
Ranma-chan, Washu,and Lina are sitting around, drinking tea.)
Andrew: Um, I feel like we owe the two people that actually read us an
explanation about how we'd got here, reviewing fan-fics.
A-ko: We were all picked out, prisoners of the "Master" who somehow had
this fasination with red-heads.
Ranma-chan: Except I'm not a red-head, when I'm a guy. Still, he liked me
as a girl.
Lina: I tried to conjure a spell, but unfortunately, I turned the Doctor
into a newt. He then jumped out of the Tardis and landed in the USA. I
believe he's now the Speaker of the House or something like that.
Andrew: Or something.
Washu (grins as she stands up): Well, I was able to defeat the Master, and
unfortunately the concotion I put up a scientific grenade. Unfortunately,
he shrank in size and suddenly was really old and short.
Ranma-chan: I thought he was Happousai, and I threw him on Lina. He
exploded. The real Happousai happened to come with me, and I threw the
pervert on Lina. He screamed and exploded.
At least your flat chest was worth something. (Lina baps Ranma-chan with
her hand.)
Lina: Unfortunately, the Tardis was on autopilot, and while he made Washu
the new Doctor, she can't do anything until we land, wherever that might be.
Andrew: And for some reason, it picks these things up from time to time.
So, without further ado...here's part two of "Secrets."
Ranma-chan: How come I didn't get to help with Part I?
A-ko: I knocked you out after Nuku-Nuku glomped on you.
Ranma-chan: Oh. (He frowns.)Thanks.
At 02:03 AM 4/27/98 -0400, Morpheus the Shaper wrote:

Pre-warning, this one might even be considered lemon scented.
Comments & criticism welcomed. I even though the MST that was done for
chapter 1 was hilarious.

Andrew: Is he refering to us?
Everyone else (after big-sweating and looking at each other): Nah.

Because you asked for it, (at least some of you did) here's Secrets, Chapter
2.

You all know the drill. None of these characters belong to me, they belong
to R. Takahashi, plus some corporations. A lack of lawsuits would be greatly
appreciated.

Andrew: Here or in Japan?
Ranma-chan: Actually Japanese lawsuits are increasing. Why I saw that Sonic
the Hedgehog was being sued by Mario for buying out Link and Zelda.
A-ko: Are you sure you're okay?

Secrets Chapter 2
by
Morpheus the Shaper


    Nabiki plodded down the stairs. "Mondays. I hate Mondays.

Washu: Then a pie was thrown onto Nabiki's face and she missed her kick to
Odie.
Ranma-chan: I never did like "Garfield."
A-ko: I wonder why.
(We hear a scream, C-ko appears out of the glowing center of the Tardis
machine dressed like Nega...)
Lina: Damn. Now THAT'S scary.

									 Especially
after a day like yesterday." She yawned and stretched, feeling several
vertebrae pop, and looked around for the rest of the household. As expected,
she saw: Kasumi, in the kitchen, humming cheerily; Father, already sitting
at the breakfast table, reading the paper; Ranma and Genma, sparring outside
over the koi pond; Akane, though, was nowhere to be seen. Scratching lightly
at her ribs, she spoke up, "Anyone seen Akane this morning?"

Ranma-chan: That uncute tomboy! (The girls beat up Ranma-chan. He's
unconscious.)
Andrew (holding up a tape-recorder): Memo to self, never call these girls
uncute or tomboys, even if they deserve it. (The girls beat up Andrew.)

    "Right behind you," came Akane's voice.
    Nabiki leapt into the air, spun halfway around, and fell on her
backside, clutching at her heart. "Don't do that!" she cried.
    Akane, meanwhile, was rolling around on the floor, clutching her ribs
and giggling like a maniac.

C-ko: Oy! She looks like that Hannibal Lecter guy.
A-ko: Um, don't you have any better thinks to do?
C-ko: Well, I could go and see if Martha Stewart has any tips for me.
(Martha Stewart pops in.)
Martha Stewart: You do, and I'll have you as my next wreath project! (Pops
back out.)
Lina: Wow, like a Pop-Up Video.

    "Cut that out!"
    Fighting for breath, Akane managed to wheeze, "You... should have...
seen... your face," before bursting into giggles again.
    Muttering and grumbling to herself, Nabiki picked herself back up off
the floor and stalked over to the breakfast table, dropping to her seat
gracelessly. While outwardly she sulked, inwardly she replayed the
conversation between herself and Cologne yesterday.

A-ko: No doubt while playing Monopoly.
Washu (imitiating Cologne/that blind Kung-Fu guy): Okay, little one, if you
can take the hotel and the "Get Out of Jail Free" card out of my hand...

    Nabiki arrived at the Nekohanten at precisely five o'clock. The sign
outside indicated that the restaurant was closed, but when she tried the
door it was unlocked. Entering, she saw Cologne sitting at the center table
with two places already set. Tea was prepared, and a small meal. Cologne did
not turn a hair at her entrance, but spoke quietly, "Come in. Sit. We have
much to discuss."
    Nabiki sat, and sipped her tea. For the next several minutes they
discussed pleasantries and trivialities, eating lightly. Finally Cologne
broke the impasse. "You are no doubt wondering what it is that I could
possibly have to say to you."

Andrew: Gin!

    Nabiki contented herself with a slight nod, indicating that the
matriarch should continue.
    "I am an old woman, and one of the perogatives of age is the ability to
do as one pleases, so I shall be blunt and come directly to the point.

Washu (imitiating Cologne/Godfather): I haf an offer you can't possibly
refuse.
Lina (imitiating Nabiki): Oh, yes I can refuse.

										  I
want this mess with Ranma to end. At this point, I no longer care whom he
marries, as long as he marries someone. While the issue remains in doubt,
Shampoo and, more importantly, I must remain here. To that end, I am willing
to offer you 500,000 yen if Ranma is married within 30 days. Every seven
days past that will incur a penalty of 100,000 yen. What do you say?"

Washu: That means she has up to 35 days to get Ranma hitched or else.
(Everyone looks at the unconscious Ranma-chan.)
Lina: If they only knew.
C-ko: Ohhohohohohoho!
A-ko: Great, my little C-ko is having a Naga-Kodachi complex!
Andrew: You know, A-ko, I thought she had been around B-ko a little bit too
long.

    Nabiki almost said "Yes," right then and there, but her mercenary
instincts stopped her at the last moment and instead she said, "Plus
expenses, expenses to be paid within 24 hours of being incurred."
    "Expenses not to exceed another 500,000 yen."
    "And you pay in full for any damage Shampoo causes."
    "Agreed."
    "And you don't care whom he marries?"

Andrew: Actually, she does. She'd like to have him for herself. (The girls
bap Andrew on the head.)

    Cologne shook her head, "Not anymore. If he marries Shampoo, that's
fine, but right now, he could marry you and I wouldn't care."
    "He's not my type."

A-ko: And what type is he, eh?
Andrew: He's probably an Impact type.
Washu: Nah, I'd go for the San Francisco type, you know the one that looks
like hostage notes?
C-ko: My vote is for Ariel!
Lina: Personally, I thought Ranma's a Shelley Andante font.
A-ko: Interesting. I thought he'd fit in as a Handwriting font.

    "And Mousse is?"
    Nabiki almost choked on her tea. She hadn't thought the ancient amazon
had known about that. "Mousse is..." she stalled for a moment, "very eager
to please."

Lina: In bed or otherwise?
Everyone else: Lina!
Andrew: Glad I didn't say that. 

	     "And," she finished to herself, "seems to enjoy being treated
like dirt."

A-ko: But what kind of dirt? Top-soil, limus, clay? (C-ko waps A-ko with a
rolling pin. Everyone big-sweats as they look at C-ko.)
C-ko: Let's not go there.

    "Of course," Cologne replied, "He is a well-brought-up Joketsuzoku
male. It will be a shame to lose him, but I suppose he must follow his
heart... or whatever."

Andrew: Whatever. (Ranma-chan wakes up.)

    Nabiki managed to suppress another start and only smirked. Turning her
mind back to the reason for this get-together she spoke, "So. Ranma to be
married within 30 days... Tough, but then that's why you're paying the big
bucks."
    "You can do it, can't you?"

Ranma-chan (imitiating a Mission: Impossible reader): Should your mission
to get Ranma hitched be unsuccessful, the Amazon Secretary will disallow
any knowledge of this mission...hey, I'm MiSTing myself!
Washu: About time, Sherlock. (Ranma-chan glares at Washu.)
Ranma-chan: I'm getting myself some hot water. (She storms out of the
Tardis into one of those side-rooms.)

    Nabiki gave the elder a long look, "If I couldn't, I wouldn't have
agreed."
    "How will you do it?"
    "I'm not sure yet. I've got a couple of ideas, but I'm going to have to
do a little investigation and planning before I settle on one. I can count
on your cooperation if I need something, yes?"
    "I'm sure we can work something out, youngster."
    Nabiki smirked faintly, "Of course. Well, if you'll excuse me, I have a
lot of work to do."

A-ko: With Mousse or with Ranma in bed?
Everyone else: A-ko!
Andrew: You know, Nabiki's the kind of girl I could see as in a Spam-fic
like, "The Girl From H.E.N.T.A.I. or A.U.N.T.I.E." (Lina glares at Ranma.)
Lina: Don't give any of the otukus any ideas, especially that Ryucillio guy.

    Cologne nodded, "Of course."
    Standing, Nabiki bowed marginally to the elder before returning to the
streets of Nerima with a thoughtful and cunning look on her face.

    Returning her attention to the here and now, Nabiki watched Ranma dunk
his father in the pond and himself bounce to one of the boulders forming the
edge. Shaking his head in mock sorrow he said, "You're getting slow, old
man."

Andrew: However, Ranma got a technical foul from Akane.
A-ko: That must have been some T.

    Rising from the water, Genma-panda held up a sign, [Impudent boy.]
    With a snort, Ranma turned around and headed to the table, whereupon
Genma used the sign to splash Ranma, turning him into a girl. "Honestly,"
Nabiki thought, "he really ought to expect it by now. On the other hand, if
he were smarter, my job would be that much harder."

Washu: My research on Ranma has found that his IQ is so low, I had to dig
for it. (Everyone else groans. We quickly switch to see Ryo-oh-ki plays a
rim shot on a drum set.)

    "Right on time," thought Ranma as the transformation washed over him.
Turning around, she shouted, "What'd you do that for?"
    Genma-panda held aloft his sign again, [You left yourself wide open,
boy.]
    Leaping into the air, Ranma-chan crescent-kicked her
father-turned-panda, knocking him from the pond.  "Stupid old man." Stalking
to the breakfast table she smiled inwardly; Akane liked to tease her under
the table where no one else could see, and it was a lot easier to hide her
arousal in female form. "And," she thought, "there's also the fact that
Akane gets almost as big a kick from watching me change as Ukyo does. Not to
mention that she's just as turned on by my girl form as a guy..." Once Ranma
had found that out, he had started deliberately placing himself in the way
of water, just for the enjoyment Akane got out of it. Starting to sit next
to Akane, she was brought back to the present by her voice, "Ranma! Go dry
off! Baka! I don't want you to drip all over me!" Grumbling, Ranma-chan did
as she was told, absently thanking Kasumi for the towel, then resumed her
place at the table, filling her bowl and eating ravenously.
    After a moment, Ranma-chan felt Akane stroking her leg with her foot.

Washu: Aww, how erotic.
Lina: Actually, I was wondering how Akane could make her foot bend upwards
enough to touch the legs. I didn't think Akane had big feet.
Ranma's voice (from other room): She has size 19 feet. Nabiki has to
special order her shoes.
Andrew: Dang, that's big.

Slowly and carefully, she responded, being careful not to show any signs
above the coverage of the table. By the time breakfast was almost over,
Ranma-chan was nearly vibrating. It was almost a relief when Kasumi appeared
next to her and offered her the kettle. As a side effect of the
transformation, physical arousal vanished when she changed forms, though it
was easy to get it back if she wanted. After dousing herself and resuming
her proper male form, he began to stand. It was then that Nabiki chose to
interrupt.   "Ranma."
    "Yeah, Nabiki? Whadda ya want?"
    "What's it worth to you to get rid of Shampoo? Permanently."

Washu: Use a conditioner.

    "Nani?"
    "What would you do to get rid of Shampoo?"
    Ranma hesitated only marginally.   "How much?"
    Nabiki shook her head.  "This one isn't for money, Ranma. You'll owe me
one. A big one."
    Ranma bit his lip.  "I'll have to think about that, Nabiki."
    "Chikusho!" thought Akane, "Ranma you idiot, you're breaking character
again. I'll have to distract Nabiki."

Lina: Ranma really should have read the script.
A-ko (imitiating Ranma): Script? We don't need no baka script!
Ranma's voice (again, from the other room): My thoughts exactly!

					   Lacking any better ideas, she fell
back on an old standard, and hit Ranma in the back of the head.  "Ranma no
baka! You just want to keep Shampoo around and fawning all over you, you
lech."

Andrew: Typical Akane.
A-ko: Typical until now.

    Ranma just turned his back on Akane, "Hrmph! You're just jealous." That
was their code phrase for 'Oops, I blew it. Get me out of here quick."
    Akane obliged, glad that he understood what he'd done wrong. Taking
stock of the situation, the mallet was out of the question, it would have to
be a kick. Screaming, "RRRRAAANNNNNMMMMAAAAAA!" she sent him flying out
through the open doors, over the pond and outer wall, and into the distance.

Andrew (imitiating Rich Eisen): Akane, wellll Sssshe Gggott it!

    Nabiki shook her head, "Well, little sister, at least you're getting
better at missing the house when you do that."
    "He deserved it, the pervert. I'm going to school." Picking up her and
Ranma's bags and bentos, she left, trotting towards Furinkan.
    Following after her younger sister, Nabiki muttered to herself, "This
may be harder than I thought."

    Ranma and Akane, having met partway to school approached the gates
together. Standing in the gate, barring the way, was none other than
Tatewaki Kuno himself. Coming to a halt just outside of sword range, Ranma
regarded the kendoist somewhat as one would regard a particularly repulsive
species of bug. "What are you doing here, Kuno?"

Washu: I'll never look at Kuno's bokken the same way again. (Everyone else
face-faults.)

    "Silence, knave. You shall not speak to the great Kuno in such a
manner. Today is the day that you shall fall to my blade, and Akane and the
Pig-tailed Girl shall be free of your lecherous clutches."
    "You got a lot of nerve showing your face to me, Kuno. Especially after
showing up yesterday wielding real steel."

Andrew (imitiating Kuno): Thou art wanth steel? I'll show thou steel! It's
in thy pants!!! (The girls hit Andrew.)

    With a blur, Kuno drew his katana and pointed it at Ranma. "I finally
realized mine error all this time. It is written that no sorcerer or his
foul magics may bear the touch of cold steel, and so, thus, shall I vanquish
you at last!"

C-ko: Wai! Kuno's gonna force Ranma to suck his (she doesn't get any
farther as A-ko, Lina and Andrew grabs her and seals her mouth shut with
Mousse's Fancy-Grade A Duck-Tape.)
A-ko: That's it, when I get my hands on B-ko, I'm killing the wench!
Lina: That's it, when I get my hands on Naga, I'll turn her into a boy!
Andrew: C-ko, I'm gonna get you a theparist. Then I'll kill Kenny. (C-ko
somehow breaks free from the grasps and un-gags herself.)
C-ko: Well, guys, if you would have noticed, this 'fic has a "Lime" rating.
Hey, where are you taking me?! (Andrew, A-ko, & Lina throw C-ko into the
center of the Tardis machine, where she's vaporized again.)
Washu (as she looks over the entire scene): I was wondering when you'd get
around of getting rid of the pest.

    Ranma's eyes narrowed as the crowd around them gasped.

(C-ko pops back out from the vaporized energy.)
C-ko: They gasped 'cause it measured 10 inches!
Everyone else: C-ko! (They all grab the girl and throws her outside.) 

								     Finally, in a
voice as cold as ice, Ranma spoke, "Kuno, you better put that thing away
before I take it away from you and break it into bits."
    "Ha! As though such a one as you could even bear to place your hand
upon the blade. I can tell from your bluster that you fear it. Indeed, you
obviously fear it so much that I need not even wield it. My simple
possession will suffice." With another swift motion, the katana was
sheathed, and a bokken drawn in its place. "Defend yourself!"

Lina: You know, this does have a sexual undertone to it.
Andrew (as he's groaning): Don't *you* start.

    The fight after that was short and to the point. Less than 30 seconds
later, Kuno was draped over the arched gate, and Ranma strode into the yard,
untouched.
    From his position on top of the gate where he feigned unconciousness,
Kuno considered his next step. "Logically," he thought, "I should now
actually proceed to use the blade. Yet to do so upon the unarmed Saotome
would be dishonorable. Not to mention that he seemed angry enough to carry
out his threat." Sighing inwardly he came to the conclusion that he would
once again simply have to play the fool, and return to his usual behavior
without any explanation. "After all," he mused, "have I not done so time and
time again? It is, I suppose, at times useful to be thought an idiot." Below
he heard the sound of Nabiki's voice, "Well, Kuno-chan, you've certainly
gotten yourself into a fine mess this time. How the hell am I supposed to
get you down from there?"

Washu: I still can't get over the fact --
Lina: -- Kuno actually has a working brain?
Andrew: -- the fact he's screwing around with his sister?
A-ko: -- the fact he actually knows something 'bout acting?
Washu: No...no...no...the fact he has a really huge, ahem, weinie.
(Everyone falls over.)

    He considered his position for a moment, then groaned theatrically and
twitched enough to dislodge himself, allowing him to fall to the ground at
Nabiki's feet, where he again feigned unconciousness. He heard Nabiki cluck
her tongue and imagined her shaking her head as she spoke, "Kuno-chan, you
are so pathetic."

A-ko: If you only knew, Nabiki. If you only knew.

    Shampoo stretched lazily for a moment before heading to the furo. One
of the advantages of working in a Chinese restaurant was a late opening
time. Customers wouldn't be showing up until 11:00, so she wasn't needed in
the kitchen until almost 10. As she luxuriated in the bath she thought about
the plan she and Ukyo were working on.

Washu (imitating Shampoo): So, Ukyou, wot are we doing tonight?
A-ko (imitating Ukyou): The same thing we always do, Shampoo-chan, try to
take over the world!
(Everyone else hums the theme song to the "Pinky & The Brain" show.)

					     <"Getting Nodoka-sama to take the old
men away is good in theory, but more difficult in practice. She has no
reason to trust me or Ukyo-chan, so we couldn't just suggest it to her.
Grrrr. If we could just get rid of those interfering old men for two weeks,
Ukyo-chan and I could put enough pressure on Ranma and Akane  that they'd
elope just to spite us. But how? How?">  Getting frustrated with that train
of thought,

Ranma (who has come back into the room): And Shampoo, as we all know, has a
one-track mind.
Andrew: Funny, they say the same thing about you, and your train is
derailed at this point. (Ranma looked really mad.)

	      and since the water was cooling anyway, Shampoo climbed out of
the furo, toweled off, and began dressing. <"At least,"> she thought,
<"Mousse has been leaving me alone more often. That boy simply does not know
how to take 'no' for an answer. I was starting to wonder if I was going to
have to kill him to get him to go away. But it's beginning to look like he
will learn eventually."> Finishing dressing, she put on her public face of
cheerful obliviousness and trotted out to the kitchen.
    "Good morning, great-grandmother. What you need Shampoo do?"
    The ancient Matriarch slid a bowl of rice across the table to Shampoo
and set down a bowl of miso soup in the center of the table, "Eat, child.
You'll need your strength."
    Shampoo picked up her chopsticks, "What for, great-grandmother? Big day
for Nekohanten?"

Washu (imitating Cologne): Yes, my child, we've got the Japanese mofia
eating here in a couple of hours, and they give us big tips!

    Cologne shook her head, "No, child. I have a few arrangements to make,
and then we are going on a training trip for a few weeks. You've been
getting lax in your training, and that is scarcely befitting an Amazon
warrior."

Lina: Now, honestly, how is Shampoo gonna fit into that Xena outfit?

    Shampoo's mind raced for a way out of this. Leaving now would be
nothing short of a disaster. Without the constant pressure from her and
Ukyo, Ranma and Akane could easily do something that would break them up
permanantly, especially with the old men around. "But great-grandmother,
Shampoo no can leave now. Was just barely able to break up last wedding. If
leave now, Ranma and Akane parents hold another wedding, and this time it
work..."
    Cologne said, "No, child. They will not try something like that again
so soon," while thinking, "That is exactly what I'm counting on."
    "No can take that chance, great-grandmother. Have time for training
later, not have time for marry Ranma later."
    Cologne frowned, "Child, you have already fallen far enough behind that
your position as champion is going to be in doubt when you return. Any
further, and the issue won't be in doubt. Someone else will have your
title." "There," she thought, "An appeal to the child's pride should sting
her enough to make her stop thinking about the boy."
    Shampoo frowned in return, <"Being champion of the village doesn't mean
anything to me anymore, since I don't intend to return to the village, but I
can't let great-grandmother know that. Besides, this may be the last
opportunity I get to train under her."> After a moment she spoke up, "Why
not train here? Akane do. Ranma do, even. If good enough for Ranma, good
enough for Shampoo."

Andrew (imitating Shampoo): Must learn pidgeon talk!

    "Very well, child. Go on out back and get ready."
    Shampoo rose and left out the back, silently exulting.

Washu: Silently, because Shampoo didn't know what exulting meant.
Ranma: Yeah, what does "exulting" means?

    Back in the kitchen, Cologne sighed, "Oh well," she thought, "At least
I can keep her busy most of the time and too tired to cause trouble the
rest." Raising her voice slightly she called out, "Since the restaurant will
be closed for a few weeks, Mousse, I'll want you to monitor Nabiki's
progress."
    From the doorway to the dining area, Mousse spoke, "Yes, Honored Elder.
Anything else?"
    She shook her head, "No. Other than that, your time is your own."

Ranma (imititating Cologne): But, if you're gonna spend your time in your
bedroom, I expect you to clean it up.

    "Thank you, Honored Elder," turning, he left, vanishing as silently as
he had entered.
    "It'll be a real shame to lose that boy to that Tendo girl. I wonder if
she could be persuaded to come back to Joketsuzoku..."

Ranma: Nabiki? As an Amazonian warrior?
Andrew: Scary thoughts, man. Scary thoughts.

    Ryoga woke up, as was usual when he spent the night at the Tendo's, in
pig form. What was not usual was where he woke up. He was on the floor. And,
since he didn't recognize the furnishings, he wasn't in Akane's room. He
tried to remember where he was, and what had happened last night... After a
moment, it came to him. Akane's confession of love for Ranma.   And, more,
that the two of them had been in love for months, and had hidden it from
everyone. Ranma had deliberately toyed with his feelings. Had deliberately
let him think that he might have some chance with Akane. For that he had to
pay...

Ranma: Heh...heh. (Washu knocks Ranma out.)
A-ko: Washu, why did you do that?
Washu: I'm afraid he was gonna say something he'd might regret.
Lina: Like that's gonna stop him.

	He had left Akane's room, looking for the bathroom so that he could
change back and give Ranma the beating he so richly deserved. He had gotten
lost, though. The Tendos' floor-plan was a virtual maze. Even worse than his
own home's. He had somehow managed to get into Nabiki's room... He knew it
was Nabiki's, because he could see her...

(Everyone big-sweats, except Ranma, who's passed out.)
Washu: You know, I don't like where this is going.
A-ko: Yeah. Everyone prepare to faint again. (They all pull out big,
fluffy, living gray Totoros. One of them holds out a sign saying,
"Eh...it's a living.")

    Ryoga nearly passed out again just remembering it. Nabiki, naked as the
day she was born, sitting on top of Mousse, who was chained to the bed with
his own weapons. Nabiki's back was arched, and her fingers were digging into
Mousse's chest hard enough to draw blood. Mousse's eyes were screwed shut,

>from pain or ecstacy, Ryoga couldn't tell, and muffled cries forced their

way past his leather gag. His own experiences with Akari had inured him
somewhat to such things, but this was too much, and he had passed out.
Thankfully, though, his nosebleeds were a thing of the past...

Everyone: Spew! (They all fall over onto their own Totoros. Aren't they so
cuuuttte! Hey, C-ko, get away from me! Don't touch that keyboard! [Smash!
Bam! @BAP! @BAP!] Sorry about that, the Naga-C-ko seemed to have found me.
Anyway...)
Washu: You know, it's seemed so weird that --
A-ko: -- Mousse is into S&M bondage?
Andrew: -- that the C-ko was able to find the narrator?
Washu: ...no, that Ryouga & Akari is in S&M bondage.
Lina: Oh, and I thought the idea that Ryouga was able to not have a
nosebleed anymore was startling.

    Shaking himself from his reverie, he again set out in search of the
bathing room. As he searched he thought to himself, "First Akane, now
Nabiki, what's next? Kasumi secretly having a torrid affair with
Tofu-sensei?"

Washu: Eh...could be.

    Down in the kitchen, Kasumi was suddenly caught up in an overwhelming
desire to sneeze, "A-choo!" Nodoka turned to her, "Catching a cold,
Kasumi-chan?" Kasumi shook her head, "No. I feel fine. Thank you for your
concern, though, Nodoka-obasama." "Someone must be talking about me," she
thought.

A-ko (as she is getting up): I wouldn't say talking, just thinking.
Andrew: You know, this reminds me of that less-than-classic CBS Hallmark
show, "What the Deaf Man Knew."
Lina: Who's Hallmark?
Andrew: They make cards.
Washu: Who's CBS?
Andrew: I don't know, I only get cable...

    Lunchtime at Furinkan, a time of chaos and entertainment. Chaos for
Ranma and those close to him and entertainment for those a little further
removed. Today was to prove no exception. Ranma was surrounded. Akane was on
his right, Ukyo on his left, his back to a tree, and there was Nabiki,
headed right for him. Ukyo was attached to his arm as though she wanted to
be grafted there, and Akane was about a second and a half from malleting him
into orbit.

Washu: Ah, the three orbits.

	     "Do it already," he urged Akane silently, "It'll get Ukyo off
me, and get me away from Nabiki." His urgings were in vain, though, for
before she could act, Nabiki spoke up.
    "Okay, you three, settle down. We need to talk business, and we can't
do that if you smack Ranma into orbit."
    Ukyo turned her attention to Nabiki, "Huh?" Akane satisfied herself
with slapping Ranma on the back of the head, while Ranma just looked
nervous. He didn't really deserve it, but she felt that not to do so would
be out of character.

Ranma (as he is getting up): Next time, I'm asking to personally approve
the script.
Andrew (reading the script): Let's see..."Ranma gets hit by a
mallet...Ranma gets hit by three mallets...Ranma gets glomped on by
Happousai & smacked by a mallet, spatula, bonbori, stick, sign and the
world's biggest anvil."
Ranma (screams): Rewrite!

    Addressing herself first to Ranma, Nabiki asked, "Well, have you
thought about it enough?"
    Ranma quickly gave Ukyo a look, then glanced over to Akane, who was
fuming with her arms at her sides and her hands spread. He gave a silent
sigh of relief. Open hands meant yes.

Washu: Closed hands means fastball, inside.
Andrew: Pulling mallet out means doing the four-corners play.
A-ko: Two-fingers in the dirt means run-away.

					   Turning back to Nabiki he nodded,
"Yeah. I guess so. Whatever it is, it'll be worth it."
    Nabiki smiled and turned her attention to Ukyo, "Okay, Ukyo, how much
would it be worth to you to have one less rival for Ranma?"
    "Nani?"
    "I have a plan that'll get Shampoo out of everyone's hair...
permanently."

Andrew: Bad pun.

    "What? Are you going to have her deported or something?"

Lina (imitiating Nabiki): Yeah, in a box with a "Abu Dubi" address and a do
not open sign.

    Nabiki shook her head, "You know better than that. I'm not going to
give out any details before I'm paid."
    "Why should I have to pay? Ranma's already paying, and I'm his
fiancee."
    Akane chose that moment to put in her two cents, "Ranma, I can't
believe how you keep leading all these girls on!" She made it a point to
always interrupt when the other girls said something like that. It reassured
Ranma that she wasn't going to let them have him.
    Ukyo put in an aside to Akane:  "I am his fiancee, Akane. At least I
want him, unlike some uncute tomboys I could name."
    Akane fumed at the comment, about a second and a half from telling Ukyo
(and eveyone else within shouting distance) how she and Ranma really felt
about each other, all the while beating the chef within an inch of her life.

A-ko: And vice-versa, I suppose.
Andrew: Ah, a classic game of blind man's bluff.

    "AHEM!" Nabiki's interruption came just instants before terrible
violence was about to commence. "Please save your bickering, ladies. And I
use the term very loosely. Well, Ukyo? How much?"
    Frowning at the older girl, Ukyo asked, "What do you want?"
    Nabiki pretended to consider it.  "One month of free meals."
    Ukyo narrowed her eyes.  "For you only."

Lina (singing): "For your eyes only..." (The Tardis lurches.)
Andrew: Great, your singing has broken the Tardis machine! (Washu rushes
over to try to fix the machine.)
Lina: Hey, it isn't that bad?
Ranma & A-ko: We'd rather have Akane & C-ko cook Thanksgiving dinner than
to have to hear your singing!

    Nabiki nodded.  "Done. Okay. Here's the plan..."

A-ko (imit. Nabiki): Okay, Z-Colon slash Red-Green, Four Thirty-five, polka
dot B. On Three!
Ranma & Andrew: Ready!

    Ukyo interrupted, "What about Akane?"

Andrew: She isn't THAT insane!
Ranma: I don't get it... (Andrew face-faults.)

    Akane again figured it was about time to remind them she was here and
reinforce her position, "I couldn't care less what you do about that Chinese
bimbo!" She turned and was about to stalk off, trusting that Ranma would
fill her in later, when Nabiki called her back.
    "Hold on, Akane. I think you'll want to hear this."
    Once Akane had turned back, Nabiki went on, "Now listen to this. You
know that book of Amazon law Shampoo carries around?" Everyone nodded his
comprehension, "Well, it's been carefully abridged. I managed to get my
hands on an uncut copy, and I discovered something very interesting."
    "What?" Ukyo and Ranma wanted to know.
    "How did you get that?" Akane asked.

Andrew (imitiating Nabiki): Oh, it involves a copier, a book, and Cologne,
but that's not important right now.

    "Nevermind how I got it; the important thing is that there's more to
that marriage law than Shampoo's saying. Specifically, if she fails to
capture and wed the man who beat her, she has to go back to Joketsuzoku
immediately to face her punishment. Which amounts to lifetime confinement to
the village so that she can never embarrass the village again."
    "How does she know when she's failed?" Ukyo put in.
    "Simple. When the guy marries someone else."
    "NANI!?!" three voices shouted in unison. Akane and Ukyo, moreover,
began to glow a nice, sky-blue color.
    "Hold on, now. There's no need for violence."
    "Says you!" Ukyo replied, "Unless, of course, you intend to have Ranma
marry me."
    "Um, actually, I was intending to have him marry Akane."
    "NANI!?!" This time, it was even louder.
    "Hold on a sec! It's just temporary!"
    That quieted them down a bit, "Temporary?" asked Akane and Ukyo.
    Nabiki nodded, "Yeah. You see, Akane and Ranma get married, Shampoo and
Cologne leave, and then they get an annulment. Shampoo and Cologne are out
of our hair, no harm's done to anyone, and this way, Daddy and Saotome-san
don't try and break things up like they would if it were Ranma and Ukyo."
    "How do I know they'll get an annulment?" Ukyo wanted to know.
    Akane, meanwhile, was uttering her trademark line:  "There's no way I'm
marrying a pervert like him."

Everyone: Patent pending.

    Ranma, meanwhile, was opening his mouth so that he could chew on his
foot.

A-ko: Or open up a plot hole. (Washu and Ryo-ok-hi scamper around the
Tardis machinery.)
Washu: Great, Lina! Because of your horrible singing, we're out of control
and I don't know where we're heading! I think you've caused the Tardis to
head into another dimension!
Lina: So, I'm not an opera singer. Big deal.

    "Hey, you're no prize either, you clumsy tomboy."
    A second and a half later, Ranma was airbourne, and Akane was stalking
back towards her classroom. Nabiki turned to Ukyo, "The trick won't be
having them get an annulment, the trick will be getting them married in the
first place."
    Ukyo nodded.  "I guess so... If you'll excuse me, I have to go..."
Without waiting for a response, she took off running. She had to talk to
Shampoo, and quickly. Shampoo had never told her about that part of Amazon
law... Now they had an additional complication:  getting Ranma and Akane
married without calling down the weight of Amazon law on their heads.

Lina: Get Perry Mason!

    Less than five minutes later, Ranma opened the door to the boiler room.
The door creaked loudly as he opened, then shut it. Looking around, he
called out, "Akane?"
    A tap on his shoulder caused him to spin around in a defensive stance,
only to find Akane grinning at him like a loon. "Geez, Akane. You scared me
half to death. You're gettin' too good at sneakin'."
    Akane's grin only got wider, "Why thank you Ranma."
    Ranma grinned back, then sobered, "We gotta talk. Our signals aren't
cut out for something like this."
    Akane nodded, "Yeah. What do you think?"
    "Well, if Nabiki can convince Ukyo to go along with it, and keep
Shampoo from finding out, the wedding will probably go through."
    "Hmmm. Do you think she was serious about that law?"
    "No reason to lie to us about it. And really, as long as she leaves,
that's enough for me. Even if she's only gone for six months, that'll give
me enough time to train you that you could take on Ukyo and Shampoo at the
same time and win."
    Akane slipped her arms around Ranma and hugged him tightly, "So, we go
through with it?"
    Ranma returned the embrace, "Yeah. We keep up the pretense of it just
being temporary to everyone 'in the know' until Shampoo leaves, then we tell
everyone that we've decided not to get an annulment, and anyone who doesn't
like it, we beat in their heads."
    Akane grinned, that was her Ranma, "Sounds good to me."

(Everyone looks at Ranma, who's manically giggling.)

    Back out in the schoolyard, Nabiki was finishing up her lunch when
something tall, white, and Chinese dropped out of the sky right behind her,
glomping her enthusiastically. His right hand, hidden behind his left
sleeve, caressed her erotically. Her face turning red, she was about to
launch into a very loud tirade when she was brought up short by Mousse's
voice crying, "Shampoo! Here I am, my love!" Now Nabiki knew that Mousse's
apparent blindness was all just an act, and that there was no way that he
could have mistaken her for Shampoo. Which could only mean that...

Ranma (who's looking wide-eyed): You mean Mousse isn't blind?!

    "Mousse you blind idiot! Put on your glasses!" Then, quieter, so that
only his sensitive ears could hear, "Mousse, I'll get you for this. I have
never been so embarassed in my life."
    Mousse murmured back to her just as quietly, "Promise?" Then spoke up
in a more normal tone, "Nabiki Tendo?" Slipping his glasses down over his
eyes, he released her from his grasp. Once he could be assumed to have
gotten a good look at her, he jumped back and bowed, "Excuse me, Tendo-san.
I thought Shampoo would be here at this time of the day. Have you seen her?"
    "1000 yen."
    Grumbling, he pulled out his wallet and handed her a bill, "Well?"
    "Nope. Haven't seen her all day."
    "You charged me 1000 yen for that?" He wasn't really outraged, she was
his one, true goddess, but he had to maintain appearances for a little while
longer. Besides, he already knew where Shampoo was. This was all just an
excuse to be near Nabiki.
    "Hey," she protested, "If I don't know where she is, that cuts down a
lot on where she might be, you know."
    The bell signalling the end of lunch rung as Mousse was considering his
answer, "I suppose so. Thank you, Nabiki Tendo." With that, he bounded off,
presumably in search of the love of his life, though in truth, he was
leaving her behind.

(The fic-screen pops out. Everyone sits around drinking Darling tea.)
Andrew: Well, what do you think?
Ranma: Eh, I have no comment. (Washu walks over. She looks tired. She sips
her tea.)
Washu: Good. Now, go take care of Ryo-ok-hi. (Ranma turns on his Neko-ken
mode and he and Ryo-ok-hi starts singing the "Meow Mix" theme song. Lina
and A-ko throws Ranma and Ryo-ok-hi into the next room.)
A-ko: It was okay. I honestly thought that the story should have a main
focus, though. I'd like to see Ryouga get to be the focus of the story.
Lina: Well, that isn't possible, A-ko. I mean, Ranma is and will always be
the main focus of the story.
Andrew: Washu?
Washu: Well, I'd like to see a quicker progression to the point where
Ryouga can call all their bluffs.
Andrew: Yeah, but doing so would show his secret, and can we say barbequed
pork chops?
Washu, A-ko, & Lina: "Barbequed pork chops!" (Andrew glares at them.)
Andrew: Funny girls, huh? Well, I think...(BOOM! The Tardis hits another
ship.)...whoa. Who did we hit?
Washu: It seems to be another time-machine, but...wait they're hailing us.
(A bunch of hail hits the Tardis. It caused the Tardis to shake, causing
everyone to fall out of their chairs. The lights go out.)
Andrew's voice: That's it. One more pun, and I'll scream. 
Tune in next time, where we'll MST another fic and we find out happens when
hairs colors collide!