At 08:40 AM 29-04-98 -0400, LeVar Bouyer wrote:
>
*snip*
>
>=======================
>
> I'm not at all pleased with the ending to this fic, but as I see
>it it's the only ending it could possibly have. The pundits are still
>wrangling over 1945 today, and no matter how smart Ami-chan is, I can't
>expect her to answer that question in a couple paragraphs.
Personally, I think the ending is rather quaint, and well justified to the fanfic as a whole. Sometimes, there are no happy endings. But there are constant reminders that, *Pulls out the New York Jewish Accent* Eh, it could be worse? :)
As for Ami's response, I would think that she could answer it in a quite efficient way, in a couple of paragraphs. But then, the effect wouldn't be there. Not that saying 'I don't know' isn't effective, but what I mean to say is, I feel that conceeding to the fact of saying that simple phrase instead of what she would know of as the answer, would affect Chibi-usa more than explaining it. She would nevertheless feel a bit off by saying it.
That brings me to the setup of the story. I sensed a downhill groove throughout the fanfic, from two different levels. The first is the general mood, which downgraded okay, I think. But let me get to the second, and wrap it up through there. The second level, the symbolism, seemed to be lacking in effectiveness. If I may, I would like to suggest to maybe adding more technological and flourished scenes to ground the readers in the height of Japan today. That would set up the slow migration through Hiroshima into the last parts of Ami's talk to Chibi-usa.
This would end up mirroring the feelings of Ami and Chibi-usa; from general okay, to confuzzlement and worry, and finally to melancholy. I generally found Chibi-usa to be rather subdued in this however, something which for me is uncommon when I think of her at this age. Ami's thoughts being both a doctor and guardian to the Princess is very fitting though.
I remember reading one piece of advice given to readers from my favourite author: 'if the beginning doesn't seem to work, then you're not starting at the right place. Move a little bit forward, or a bit backwards at the point you started at, and it generally will help move you along better.' In my view, that might be good for this story as well. And at the end, it might be good to add in the thoughts of Chibi-usa.
Other than those opinions and thoughts, I generally liked it. I rather think quaint stories like this don't show up very often. But when they do, it's a very nice yarn to read. But...enough of me and my blabbering. :)
*snip*
------------------------------------------------------------------
-You mean that we're not living in an Anime world?
-Nope, sorry.
-Darn it, I guess I'll have to tell Mako-chan the date's off then.
-@_@;;
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