Oh! My Tenchi 1/2 : The Magnificently Confused World
Disclaimer: The following fanfic is based on a series of different
manga/anime, I didn�t create these characters, they belong to different
people/companies. Please don�t sue me. I am broke.
An explanation, cast/series list, recommended reading (and accompaniment)
will be found at the end of the introductory chapter - see you there!

Script technique
Character name : What the character says **thinks** [and does]
[general action discription]
<sound effects> /panda sign/
p-chan : Buweeeeeeee! squeak!*
*translation of p-chan speak, or non-human characters/language
C.O.C.: Chairman of the Council
L.O.T.O.: Leader of the Opposition 

		Oh! My Tenchi 1/2:
 		The Magnificently Confused World
		Chapter 1, part 1

Introduction by PHOOsun
PHOOsun: Hello and welcome to the magnificently confused world! It is an
attempt on my part to bring together a few of my favorite anime and manga,
to entertain and to make you think, shocking innit? Shouldn�t be allowed,
eh? Well... tough! The medium of the Japanese comic has allowed for a
multitude of concepts and styles in the same work that a Western 
comic wo- 
 
[Ryoga enters the scene, all is darkness apart from a spotlight, unseen,
above in the darkness illuminating him]
Ryoga: Get on with it! I know what you have in store for me! 

Ryoko: [teleports on to the scene, slaps Ryoga playfully on shoulder, no
effect] What�re you complaining about?! I�m in some of the same scenes as
you are, I don�t understand why you didn�t enjoy it more!!

Urd: [steeps into the light cast by spotlight][to Ryoko] Whoa, you�re even
less uninhibited than I am.

Ryoga: [blushes deeply] **Yes/no yes/no good/bad good/bad..... Akane.....**
ARRGGGGGHHHHHHHH! I CAN�T THINK STRAIGHT!!!

PHOOsun: Oi you... NO!! You�re not supposed to be on, yet!

[Lots of characters start appearing on stage, light level increases]

Mara: Nobody cares for your pseudo-intelluctual mumbo-jumbo!

Mihoshi : Um, I think what she meant to say was... people just want to see
the story, perhaps... umm... perhaps you could leave the justification for
this story for your college thesis?

Kuno: Yes, let the story begin! [points wooden sword at PHOOsun] And
perhaps the ending for this story that you have planned could change, hmm?

PHOOsun: **This sooner this lot are on El-Hazard, the better** Certainly,
nothing is set in concrete, yet. 

Shayla-Shayla: [angrily to PHOOsun] I want a bigger speaking part!

Ranma: No new fianc(e)es!

Ataru: If you don�t want them I-

Lum: Darling!!! <zap>

Ataru: [crispy] Ouch!

Keiichi: **I�d like to spend some time alone with Belldandy, away from
distractions.** [blushes]

Skuld: Ice cream! And big sister all to myself!

Belldandy, Kasumi, Sasami: Dinner is ready!

Everybody: YAY! [stampede to dining room]

[Belldandy, Kasumi, Sasami slam shut the thick, large, heavy doors behind
the characters as they stampede into the "dining" room.]

Everybody: [muffled sound] Where�s the fooood??! Where�s the light ?
Where�s the exit?!?!!?!Whos hand was that? [A small riot starts]

Kasumi: Now you can finish your introduction in peace.

PHOOsun: Er... thank you, Kasumi. How did you develop such a cunning trap?

Belldandy: In this fanfic, we�re not as innocent or naive as we are
portrayed in the manga.

Sasami: [produces a picnic basket] Now, it�s time for our dinner!

Belldandy: I�ll set the table for you.

Kasumi: No, it�s fine, I�ll do that.

Sasami: I brought the dinner, so I�ll set the table.

Belldandy & Kasumi: But I always cook the food and set the table! [look at
each other] ...Oh, my! You sound exactly like me!

PHOOsun: [facefaults] .... [clears throat] Well, now that�s settled, an
explanation is never around when you need one. So I better start this
before anything else happens..... 

{fade out}

		Chapter 1, part 1: Trouble Brewing
 
{fade in}

[The scene opens on a classroom. Rows and columns of desks face the
teacher�s desk; the teacher is sitting behind his desk looking at his
watch.]

Mr Fujisawa: five... four... three... two... one... <rinnng sounds the bell
for the start of the school day>

[Mr Fujisawa looks up and notes who are missing]

Mr Fujisawa: Class? Class! That�s better, now does anyone know where my
missing students are? 

Male student #1: I heard that an ancient temple was found under school,
um.... I didn�t _see_ any temple but there sure was a lot of damage on the
ground floor near the entrance to the basment
 
Female student #1: I saw Shinobu on my way to school just ten minutes ago,
said something about the Journalist Club and that she might be late. She
also mentioned the temple!

Mr Fujisawa: So! A temple is found under the school and they assume they�ve
got the day off. We shall see about that! <ahem> Class I want you to work
on chapter 23: correct grammer in the third person.

[Mr Fujisawa gets up and leaves the room.]
[Meanwhile, downstairs at the basement entrance, three young men are
peering into the depths]

Ranma: Wow, smell that! Ripe or what!

Tenchi: [sniff] [cough, cough] Nothing can smell that bad after ten
thousand years! 

Ranma: _That_ smell is Katsuhiko�s hair lotion.

Tenchi: Oh no! What was Katsuhiko doing here?

Ataru: That snake Katsuhiko has already claimed the credit for finding the
temple, the way he was carrying on you would think he built it!

Tenchi: Well, that sounds like our _glorious_  leader

Ranma: I doubt it really WAS Katsuhiko; I heard that it was some guy in the
year above ours.

Tenchi: [suspicious] Ranma, you�re the subject of rumour not the receiver
of rumour.
  
Ataru: [face to face with Ranma] Someone not a million miles for here
didn�t have a duel at midnight and _saw_ who found the temple, did they?
[pulls away from Ranma]

Ranma: [does his best impression of innocence and fails] W-who me? No! No!
[regains advantage] Besides, I _heard_ on the radio this morning, there was
a lot of meteor activity last night and-

Ataru: Not guilty.  

Tenchi: Ryo-ohki was practising a-flight-a-day for spaceships to the east
of Japan, near Hawaii.

Ataru: OK, so it was Lum and some of her friends, but please don�t tell 
Shinobu - she�ll kill me!

Ranma: [looks out of window at school entrance] Aiee! I can see Akane,
Shinobu, Nanami and Ayeka heading this way and they look upset.

Tenchi: [Hopeful] They�re not carrying any heavy, blunt objects are they?

Ranma: Yes, they are.

Ataru: Let�s hide now!

Ranma: Agreed!

[Ranma and Ataru both grab one of Tenchi�s arms and hustle into the
Basement]

Tenchi: But Ayeka doesn�t have any reason to be mad with me!

Ataru: She went to one of those pyjama parties at Shinobu�s last night,
there�s no telling what ideas they put into her head. Safer this way,
besides, you have no willpower in the presence of that woman and would blab
our location to her, Shinobu and Akane without putting up a fight. We�re
doing this for your own good. [the three boys disappear down the entrance
to the temple and  fade into silence]

[Akane, Shinobu, Nanami and Ayeka arrive at the temple entrance at the same
time as Mr Fujisawa]

Mr Fujisawa: What is going on here?  

Nanami: We�ve just heard on student radio that a temple has been found
underneath our high school this morning! And that the person who found it
was my brother, Katsuhiko! 

Mr Fujisawa: So, what�s all the equipment for? And why aren�t you at
class!?!

Nanami: This is my camera crew [points at Akane, Ayeka and Shinobu] and I�m
going to interview my brother, Katsuhiko. Is he still at the temple?  �The
Journalist Club� asked us to interview him.
      
Mr Fujisawa: Well, I don�t know, I only just got here myself!

Nanami: In that case, we�ll just go the temple now. He might still be
there! C�mon girls!

[The four girls charge through the basement entrance and into the newly
found temple]

Mr Fujisawa: I�m even more confused about this than I was to begin with!
[looks up and down corridor, can�t see anyone] I need a drink. [starts
fishing about in pocket...]

[At the same time, down in the temple, under the School, are the NHK news
crew who are currently interviewing student president, Katsuhiko Jinnai. By
his side are vice-president, Tatewaki Kuno; finance minister, Nabiki Tendo
and the Publicity minister, Shutaro Mendo. Hiding in the shadows - in the
background - are Ranma, Tenchi and Ataru]

Female Interviewer: [to camera] Good morning and welcome, right now I�m
thirty feet underground, beneath Furinkan High School in a recently
discovered Temple. With me are members of the student council, for this
high school, who have a statement to make, Mr President? [points microphone
at Katsuhiko]

Katsuhiko: [grabs microphone and pushes face at camera] Yes, you can
imagine my surprise when I, a humble student council president, found this
amazing ancient temple earlier today, by myself. So in honour of my 
discovery, I think it should be called the Katsuhiko Ruins!!! 

Nabiki: [grabs microphone off him] [condescendingly to Katsuhiko] Yes.
Quite. I'm _so_ sure. [to camera, professionally] Yes, the _amazing_ ruins
which _nobody_ noticed in the School basement until today [rolls eyes].
After the archaeological examination by the Nekomi Tech University 
team, the ruins will  be opened to the public, for a small fee of course, 
because this is an opportunity too good to pass up an- I mean, to present
a greater understanding of our unique history in a responsible, 
educational environment. 

Kuno: [to Nabiki] May I? 

Nabiki: Certainly Kuno. [hands microphone to Kuno, smiles privately] 

Kuno: [strikes "honourable" pose] [Katsuhiko looks alarmed] So, now not
only does Furinkan High have the greatest Kendo team in all Japan but
thanks to the generous donations from the Kuno Family Trust, [Nabiki 
takes interest in his speech] this will be the most thorough examination
of an ancient Samurai temple in history!! 

Mendo: [grabs microphone off Kuno and shoves him out of the camera view]
[smoothly] However, it was the Mendo name that convinced the famous Nekomi
archaeological group to actually come to Furinkan High in the first place. 

Kuno: [grabs microphone off Mendo and pushes him out of the camera's view]
But it _was_ the Kuno F-

[It is at this point that Nanami, Akane, Shinobu and Ayeka arrive]

Nanami: [pushes NHK camera crew out of the way to make room for her crew]
Excuse me, please!

[Tenchi notice that both Ranma and Ataru look like they're ready to break
cover because they can see Akane and Shinobu.]

Tenchi: [whispers to them] Don't move, you'll blow our cover. 

Nanami: [points microphone at Katsuhiko] Excuse me, Mr. President, could I
have a word? ...What can you tell me about the allegations that state that
your campaign for the presidency, three days ago, was in fact a story of
blackmail, bribery and coercion? [points microphone at Nabiki] Perhaps the
person who was your campaign manager three days ago, and is now your
finance minister, could answer that question?

Nabiki: [face, mask of calm] [neutral tone] Do you have any proof? If you
don't... that's slander.

Nanami: A witness has come forward to present evidence against the
president, word of mouth is that it's pretty hot stuff. [to Katsuhiko]
Well, Mr. President, answer the question!

Katsuhiko: [big sweatdrop] Uhhh... Nanami! How could you do this to your
own brother?!

Nanami: 'The Journalist Club' is paying me to ask.

Katsuhiko: But you're not a member of 'The Journalist Club'!
  
Mendo: [ignoring Katsuhiko, Nanami] [glides across to Shinobu] You know, in
preparing this ruin for public access, the student publicity department and
the media are going to have to work _hand-in-hand_ to ensure thorough
coverage of the opening of this event.

Shinobu: [blush, blush] Er... er...

[In the shadows, Tenchi and Ranma hold an angry Ataru back]

Kuno: But the office of Vice-president will have far more access to the
information pertaining to the status of the ruins as a historical display.
[goes over to Akane] I could give you a personal, guided tour of the site,
my dearest Akane, if you would only say yes to me. [bends down to kiss her
hand]

Tenchi: [desperately holds Ataru, and now, Ranma back] [whispers furiously]
Don't lose your cool!!

<!WHAM!>  

Akane: [mallets Kuno] Maybe, Kuno, but with a full camera crew as well. 

Katsuhiko: [spots Ayeka behind the camera] **My word, what a beauty! Now,
what's her name again...?** [smarms his way towards Ayeka] Ayeka! I'm sure
that an after-hours, off-the-record interview can be arranged for certain
trusted members of the media-

[That's as far as he gets before Tenchi activates the Lighthawk wings. The
temple is now fully illuminated and both Ranma and Ataru can be seen
hiding.]

Tenchi: Get away from her, scum!!

[Ataru and Ranma try to stop Tenchi from killing Katsuhiko]

NHK camera crew: [eyes the size of saucers] ?!?!?!?!!?!?

{Fade out...}

{Fade in...}

[Ten minutes later in school corridor... Ranma, Tenchi and Ataru are all
holding two buckets of water each.]

Ranma: [narrowed eyes, staring at Tenchi] "Don't lose your cool," huh?

Ataru: [narrowed eyes, also staring at Tenchi] "Don't move, you'll blow our
cover," eh Tenchi?

Tenchi: [bigsweats] Uh... but K-Katsuhiko was about to... that is...

Ataru: I've said it before and I'll say it again: you have no willpower in
the presence of that woman.

Tenchi: <sigh> I know, I know...

[Mr. Fujisawa walks by the three stooges]

Mr Fujisawa: [to Tenchi] I expected this sort of behaviour from Ataru and
Ranma but I'm especially disappointed in you, Tenchi. You know the
punishment for using magical attacks during school hours, don't you? 

Tenchi: [resigned voice] Yes sir, the offending pupil or pupils shall sweep
the entire school grounds after class, for one week.

Mr. Fujisawa: As your teacher for homeroom it's my duty to ensure you do a
good job with this, and so I will be in my office. You shall report there
when you finish.

Tenchi: Yes, sir.

[Mr. Fujisawa walks back to the classroom]

Ranma: Sweeping the school grounds for a week? That's a bit harsh, you
didn't even cause any structural damage. Man, that wouldn't take me more
than five minutes! But for you, you're gonna be here until after dark! 

Tenchi: Would you-

Ranma: Nope.

Tenchi: ...Why?

Ataru: 'Cause Ranma's got his male and female harem to take care of.
[chuckles lecherously] 

Ranma: Hey, y'know it isn't like that!!

Ataru: Well, then tell us what it _is_ like. In great detail... [drools]

<SPLASH!>

[Ranma's bucket of water hits Ataru, drenching him]

Tenchi: [to Ranma] You know he's just going to -

<SPLASH!>

Tenchi: -retaliate. And- 

Ataru: [starts chasing around a soaking Ranma-chan in circles around
Tenchi] Hey baby, what're you doing tonight?

Tenchi: -go girl-mad on you. **How did I end up with these two as
friends?**

[Tenchi stands alone as Ranma-chan starts beating Ataru into the floor
because Ataru managed to "tag" Ranma-chan]

Tenchi: <sigh> 

{End scene...}

End Of Part One....


PHOOsun: C'mon people, give me some C&C so that [looks at the door to the
"dining room", which is slowly giving way to the angry, dangerous "people"
behind it] I can finish it? Soon? Please... I want to live to write the
next part! 


****************************************************************************


****************************************************************************





	Oh! My Tenchi 1/2:
	The Magnificently Confused World
	Chapter 1, part 2


			Introduction by PHOOsun

PHOOsun: Hello and welcome, El Hazard was a great OAV, but for me it was a
little short on what the review promised, to wit: "A gang of schoolkids are
marooned on a savage,alien world where some have special powers, some are
treated as royalty and some have to get jobs waiting on tables. El 
Hazard is a fabulous toungue-in-cheek take on how real people 
would behave in a fantasy setting." [Manga Mania #43]
So I decided [all on my lonesome] to bring a wider perspective to 
El Hazard and for that I would need a larger cast than the OAV 
provided... a MUCH larger cast..... 
"What would it be like if Tenchi, Ranma and Ataru went to 
the same school?" and "what would it be like for different 
Characters to travel the world/plot of EL Hazard?" are the
questions asked and answered [I hope] in this-

Ataru: [from stage left walks onto centre stage] -PHOOsun, you call that
last part a story??! It was pathetic!

PHOOsun: [stabbergasted] Huh? Wha-? Eh?

Ataru: A few scenes a great fanfic do not make! Your attention span
deficiency is showing again!

PHOOSun: I'm not putting up with this... [presses big red button on the
armrest of his black leather and chrome armchair. A hologram of a group of
beautiful women appear stage right, as they pass Ataru they cast "comeup
and see me sometime" looks at Ataru as they disappear stage left]

Ataru: [weak] Pretty girls, pretty girls. [leaves stage left]

PHOOsun: As I was saying before I was so rudely interrup-

Mr. Fujisawa: [enters stage right] As a responsible teacher on the voyage
my students and I are about to undertake, I have to give you fair warning
that I had a glimpse at some of the scenes you've got set up for later
chapters and I have to say I strongly disapprove of their content!

PHOOsun: That's quite reasonable. I intend to run the full emotional
gauntlet in this fanfic and because some themes may be deemed more adult
than some other so-called "funny fics" and so I shall borrow the BBFC 
ratings system to suggest the minimum age of the reader.

Mr. Fujisawa: That sounds quite responsible. But Ataru was right, you know,
part one was far too short!

PHOOsun: Be gone! [presses big red button]

[Normal room door appears with the words A.A. embossed on it]

Mr. Fujisawa: Alcoholics Anonymous??! Just thought of it gives me the
D.T's... I need a drink! [exits stage right in search of the bar][A.A. door
disappears]  

PHOOsun: I-

Full cast: [enter stage from all directions] Oi, PHOOsun!! Where's my
food/friends/panties/whowasthat?/part/advantage/emotionaldepth/
stagedirection/p-chan/girlfriend/bigsister/longlostfamillymember
/pervert/fiance/cheque/Tenchi/Ranmadarling!/we'repeoplenotobjects
/youwillbesoon/zap!/ouch!/whatpervertgirldotomyRanma?/who
sayshesyoureRanma?/Tenchi!/Getawayfromhim!/demon!/bimbo!
/dontIhaveasayinthis?/no/oh/watchwhereyoureputtingyourhands
/wasthatyouorme?/itwontmatterinaminute/thatsityoureall
introublenow!

[Nobody can remember who started the fight scene but it started with a big
special-effect]

Industrial, Light & Magic: Wow! 

[Fight scene ends quite abruptly as various foes and friends dash for
safety from one another, or just to escape the mega-carnage as the
 theatre falls and destroys the stage] 

[The cast forms a loose ring around the smoking rubble of the theatre]

Cast: Gee, I wonder if PHOOsun made it out in time?

Ghost of PHOOsun: No, I was killed instantly when the roof fell on me but,
since I'm just a device used by the author to introduce each chapter, I
cannot be killed! However, I can be rendered... er...
mortally-disadvantaged. But not to fear, I'll have a new body by the end 
of part two which starts now...

{fade out}

		 Chapter 1, part 2:
		"One day I will have an ordinary life."

{fade in} 
[point of view: outside the school grounds looking at the school entrance
<riiiiiiing> Students start pouring out of the double door and leaving the
school][zoom in for close up on Tenchi with brush/ end pretentious movie
Camera directions speak]

Tenchi: **This isn't so bad, spending summer at the temple has given me
good practice at this sweeping thing.**

[Ranma and Ataru leave the school and spot Tenchi sweeping the grounds]

Ranma: So, Tenchi, serving your time eh?

Tenchi: Yeah, I think you're right, it's going to be dark before I finish
doing the grounds.

Ranma: Well.... you could use that wings of the lighthawk thing and clean
the grounds in, like, no time at all.

Tenchi: These powers of mine aren't to be used so lightly! There are
serious implications behind each use...

Ranma: Which is why you used 'em when Katsuhiko started putting the moves
on Ayeka, hmmm? What do you think of that _serious_ use, Ataru? Ataru?

[Ataru has spent the whole of this conversation looking at a hand written
note, and it only now looks like he's paying attention]

Ataru: What're you talking about? [starts to put note in pocket]

Ranma: [reciting from note sneaked out of Ataru's hand]
		Ataru,
		Please meet me after school besides the gym, if you 
		have any feelings for me, be there!
					Shinobu.
			P.S. please don't bring you-know-who.

Ataru: AHHH! That's a private note! [grabs note back and puts it in pocket]

Tenchi: Can we guess who you-know-who is?

Lum: [floating out of sky toward Ataru] Darling!

Ranma: Yup. [looks at school ground, doesn't spot anyone wanting to
challange him to a fight or a proposal] I'm off for dinner. See you 
later, guys! [Ranma leaves]

Lum: [glomps onto Ataru, starts flying back to her tiger-striped
spacecraft] I have prepared a _special_ dinner for my husband...

Ataru: Help! No! Arrrgh! **Shinobu, please don't see this.**

[Ataru and Lum disappear into the sky, Ranma manages to leave the school
and Tenchi's line of sight without being involved in any 
altercations *shock*. Tenchi continues to sweep while promising himself 
that he _will_ learn more self control. Meanwhile, in an school room that 
looks down on the courtyard...]

Chairman of the council: [turns away from the window and walks back to the
large table in the middle of the room where a few young teenagers sit round
a table, the focus of the group is on one boy who has told a most 
fantastic tale of bribary and corruption] So, Makoto, is this story you
just told us the truth? Did you really overhear that conversation? 

Makoto: [indignant] What reason would I have for lying? [ashamed] Besides I
didn't mean to overhear their conversation. You've got to believe me, it
was an accident!

Leader of the opposition {The "not Katsuhiko" party}: Nobody is accusing
you of lying, Makoto, we have to make sure the information we recieve is
accurate. Nobody here wants Katsuhiko to escape justice on a technicality,
it's perfectly understandable if you wanted to er, _embelish_ that story.

Mokoto: Stop calling it a story! It's the truth word-for-word!!

C.O.C.: To be honest, we would feel better about the whole thing if you had
a reason to hate Katsuhiko but you don't, you're one of the diminishing
group
of normal, inoffensive and, well, _nice_ students at Furinkan.

L.O.T.O.: I'm most surprised of the lot of us that you imparticular would
come forward to give evidence against Katsuhiko. My girlfriend said that
you have a crush on Nanami. I wouldn't have thought that this is the 
best way to get into her good books, I mean, having her own brother 
thrown off the school council is going to colour her thinking about 
you isn't it?

Mokoto: [depressed] Yeah, I gues so. Maybe I-

C.O.C.: -You're not going to back out of this now, are you? Don't you have
any balls at all?

Makoto: Yeah! Like Cantalopes!

L.O.T.O.: [deadpan] Right, now the auther has made some sort of reference
to the original OAV he can start progressing the plot a bit faster.

Makoto: ?????

[Whilst still looking dead ahead the camera slides left into the next room
to reveal two girls, a carefully drilled hole in the wall and a small
camcorder.]

Nanami: So explain your masterplan to me again, I don't remember why we had
to use Makoto like this.

Nabiki: You don't like me manipulating him like this. [looks at Nanami] You
have a crush on him, don't you?

Nanami:[blush] I... that is to say... [angry] my feelings don't matter!
Explain the plan!

Nabiki: We had to use Makoto like this because the impact on your brother
will be oh-so-much more dramatic, you know your brother _hates_ Makoto, and
so any footage of him going psychotic, or even trying to kill Makoto will
just boost sales that much further. Now you tell me why do you want to
destroy your brother so bad? [looks Nanami up and down] He didn't make some
inappropriate comment about being a late bloomer, did he?

Nanami: [grinds teeth] No. It was much worse than that. I read part of his
diary without his knowledge. My brother is evil personified and must be
destroyed. ** As if I'd tell you the REAL reason!**

Nabiki: W-

Nanami: No you can't have a copy, that stuff isn't fit for human
consumption.

Nabiki: No loss. We currently have enough on him to bury him so deep he
would need a bathasphere to survive the pressure, all we've got to do is 
put the cherry on top. By the way, do you have the initial stake for film
proccessing?

Nanami: Right here [takes out wad of cash, it's two thousand yen short]
Damn! I'll be back in a few minutes!

Nabiki: I could lend you the rest at a very reasonable interest rate...

[Nanami leaves the room]  

{fade out}

{fade in}

[Ranma had been able to return home without: turning into a girl; being
challenged to fight/lusted after by a mortal enemy/fiancee (pretty much an
interchangeable set of terms, there); malleted by Akane and gaining a new
mortal enemy/fiancee. For Ranma this was quite unusual and so it was with a
certain amount of trepidation that Ranma entered the Tendo household]

Ranma: **So far, so good. Just an evening of vegging out in front of the
telly. No learning any new techniques, eg, perfect hostess technique
featuring the attack of the perfectly cut sandwiches or some other
never-before-heard-of style of martial arts.** [a moment of apprehension
fills Ranma as he hears fighting coming from the Dojo. He moves swiftly and
quietly over to the Dojo. Throwing open the door he can see Soun and Genma
(panda) fighting using advanced Anything-Goes style] 

Soun: You cheat! Making your move while my back was turned!

Panda: /I did not! You liar! I would never cheat so obviously!/

Soun: You had no intention of keeping your promise, did you?!

Ranma: **Promise? Could they be talking about...**

Panda: /I kept my promise, it's just you have a lousy memory./ 

Soun: Arrrghh!! Take Anything-Goes "Tears Of Sorrow" attack!!! [charges in
and does a series of linked attacks while crying. Ranma noted that each
punch delivered onto the panda had a single tear on each of Soun's 
knuckles]
 
Panda: /You... you... you dare to use that attack on me. Take the "Other
Saotome Secret Technique!!"/ [What the panda did next, Ranma was unable to
believe. Soun was on the floor and the Panda was victorious. Ranma was
convinced from the sheer visciousness of the attack that he could never
honourably use the "Other Saotome Secret Technique."] 

Ranma: Hey Pop, Mr. Tendo! Watcha fighting about? It isn't what I think it
is, is it? It isn't about me an' A-Akane??

Panda: /No, myself and Soun were discussing a point of honour./

Soun: [throws Panda over shoulder] The fact is, that I had your father
promised me... promised me...

Ranma: What?! What?!

Soun: ...That he wouldn't cheat in our latest game of chess but he did!! 

Panda: [rushes up and hits Soun out of the door and into the garden with a
panda sign] /Kapow!/ [other panda sign] /I did not cheat!/

Ranma: **I could get involved in this but I just wanna watch some TV and
veg out.** Later. [Ranma moves into the house before he can be 
dragged into the argument] [behind him, he can hear Soun and Genma 
fighting] [enters living room and finds a note on the table. It's from 
Kasumi...] 

	 Dear Family,
		 tonight I'm going out to dinner with Dr. Tofu.
		 Please find in the fridge, your dinner. It only needs heating for 
		 ten minutes.
			     		 Love Kasumi.

Ranma: Glad I found this note before Akane. I'd better heat up dinner
before she gets back. Heh, this coulda been a _real_ disaster.
 [turns around towards the kitchen. Sees Akane. With mallet. Pain.]
{Fade out}       

{Fade in}
[Note to reader: During the past week, Ryoga and Ukyo have come to a
practical agreement. Ryoga has a very large an empty house which he has no
way of finding on his own; Ukyo has a tiny apartment above her restuarant.
A solution presented itself: Ukyo would show Ryoga where his house was each
evening and in return Ukyo would get to use the facilities plus a room for
herself. During the day, Ukyo would work in her restaurant and Ryoga would
either hang about in the restaurant, practice his skills in the park
immediately infront of "Ucchan's" or go for a well-planned walk. For the
last week Ryoga has not seen Akane and doesn't feel bad about this.]
[At "Ucchan's" restaurant. Ukyo is serving a couple of customers and the
after-school crowd is arriving, so it's starting to get busier.]

Ukyo: [to Ryoga, in kitchen] Hey lost boy, can you make me some more
pizza-base dough! 

Ryoga: [falling out of daydream] Huh? What?  

Ukyo: [to Ryoga] Pizza Base. Needed. 

Ryoga: Oh? Sure. [mixes ingredients together, lightly kneeds the dough and
then draws a crude picture of Ranma on the dough in flour] **Ranma! Now,
you die!!**

<Thump! Whump! Krump! Splorp!>

Ukyo: [to customer] I hope you like your bases extra-fluffy. [goes into
kitchen, in back room and sees that Ryoga has finshed pounding the dough]
You didn't have to beat the dough so much!

Ryoga: [modest] It was no trouble. [makes expansive "just helping" gesture]

Ukyo: [looks at okonomiyaki base stuck to ceiling] [deadpan] No, really.
[picks up dough on table and starts to move back to the restaurant] Thanks,
Ryoga honey.

Ryoga: That's OK. **Did she really say what my ears told me she said????**
[shocked by what Ukyo had just said, Ryoga lost, for the moment, the near
sixth sense that all great martial artists have, to instinctively know
where your immediate friends and foes are in relation to yourself. 
Ryoga turned around and placed his hand, accidentally, where 
he shouldn't have]  

<Wham!>

[Ryoga, blushing furiously, walks out of the kitchen and out from behind
the serving counter. A giant spatula has been bent over his head.] 

Ryoga: I'm just-

Ukyo: FINE.

[Ryoga picks up his pack and umbrella from the coat hanger area at the
front of the restaurant]

Ryoga: I'll be back in-

Ukyo: O.K.

[Ryoga removes the giant spatula from his head and props it next to the
counter, leaves restaurant] [After a few seconds Ukyo appears at the
counter with a "how may I help you" look on her face]

Ukyo: [to customer at counter] You wanted it with honey and prawns, right?

Customer: Er, yeah, that's right.

Ukyo: I've got the honey but forgot the prawns, just a second [Ukyo turns
and go's into the kitchen/store room. As she does so the customers 
at the counter can see Ryogas flour hand print on her derier.] 

Customer: [to other customer, quietly] Boy, it sure doesn't pay to get to
friendly with the staff here does it?

Other Customer: Naa, it's just that those two have such minimal
inter-personnel skills that there is usually some misunderstanding between
'em most days-

Ukyo: [slams packet of prawns onto counter] [furiously to Other Customer]
Are you gonna order or are you just here to talk about things that are 
none of your business?

Other Customer: Ah, I'll have the ham and noodle for three please, I'm at
table four.

Ukyo: [Calm] I'll bring it to your table when it's finished.

{fade out}

{fade in}

[Whilst coming in for a landing, after Akane's mallet, Ranma spots Ryoga
leaving Ukyo's restaurant and turn left, Ranma decides to see what Ryoga's
up to, and follows Ryoga secretly]

Ranma: **What is he up to now? If he keeps turning left at every junction
he'll arrive at... Ah! So he is going there. I wonder what they're
planning?**

[Ranma watches as Ryoga enters the Cat Cafe. Then, in disguise, Ranma
enters...]

[Ryoga notices that he is in a restaurant, momentary terror fills him but
it passes, he's found himself in much worse places on his voyages]

Shampoo: Nihao! Welcome to- YOU, what you want here?

Ryoga: [surprised] Duh, Shampoo! I didn't know your restarant had moved!

Shampoo: [suspicious] Restaurant not move since open here! [confident] I
think you lost.

Ryoga: **Ukyo: "If you get bored hanging out at the restaurant you could go
for a walk, just remember to keep turning left and you'll end up back at
the restarant, left, no! Left <sigh> look I'll tie one of your bandannas to
your left hand that way you won't get lost, I hope."** [Ryoga looks 
at both arms: there is no bandanna on either of them] **Oh no! Lost! 
Ukyo's opinion of me is going to plummet, ah, even more after what 
happened in the _DON'T THINK_ earlier.**

Shampoo: [notices Ryogas unhappiness] You want eat something before you try
to go again?

Ryoga: Thank you. [gets shown a private booth]

[Ranma-chan sneaks in as Shampoo shows Ryoga to a booth, Ranma is in
"Ryoga's secret admirer" disguise (similar to "Ryoga's fiancee")] 

Waitress: Can I help you, miss?

Ranma-chan: Yes, I couldn't help noticing that **gag** attractive young man
come in here, the one with the bandanna on his head, I was wondering if I
could have the booth next to his [shy smile and blush] **If this doesn't
work I'm gonna kill that Ryoga!**

Waitress: [conspiritally] He _is_ good looking; don't worry. [normal]
Certainly miss, your booth is over here [Waitress leads Ranma-chan to a
booth next to Ryoga's] [Quietly] If you need any notes passed to him 
without him knowing who they came from, I can do that. [wink]

Ranma-chan: [more blushing] I don't think that, er, that is to say, umm.
Maybe later. **For this Ryoga dies regardless.**

Waitress: All right, I'll take your order when you calm down, in a few
minutes [Waitress leaves Ranma-chan to serve other customers]

[Shampoo returns to the counter where Cologne is speed-sorting rice into
bowls]

Cologne: [points to Ryoga's booth] Is that who I think it is?

Shampoo: What? Oh yes, you teach him breaking point, yes?

Cologne: Yes I did, you think he still doesn't suspect I only taught him
that to toughen up your groom, do you?

Shampoo: He look like he thinking about other stuff.

Cologne: I shall soon see to that. [picks up bowl of rice and pole-vaults
over to Ryoga's booth]

Ryoga: **... And now Ukyo doesn't like me, BUT IT WAS A MISTAKE, it doesn't
matter, not only doesn't she like me, she probably-** Ah! A ghoul! Er,
sorry Cologne.

Cologne: You'd think by now I wouldn't have such a surprising effect on
you. [puts rice in front of Ryoga]

Ryoga: I was miles away. [starts eating rice]

Cologne: You were thinking about your one true love, weren't you?

Ryoga: <splort> <cough, cough> N-No we're just friends! There's nothing
romantic between me and, and... IT'S TOTALLY PLATONIC!!! 

Cologne: Yes, I'm so sure that's why I'm covered in rice. [brushes rice
off] Ranma still stands in your way, doesn't he?

Ryoga: **That's right, Ukyo was one of Ranma's fiancees, once. No! What am
I thinking?? Akane! Akane is the one I love! So why did you think of Ukyo
first then, and not Akane? I'm going need to some serious thinking time to
 deal with this. I hear Hokkaido is quite nice this time of year.**
[cautiously] He might.

Ranma-chan: ** [shocked] I've never heard Ryoga be so realistic when
discussing his chances with Akane. What's happened?**  

Cologne: Ranma cannot pose a threat if he is not here, can he?
[conspiratally to Ryoga] I have here something that might help you. 
Well, _two_ somethings actually...

Ryoga: What?

Cologne: In the green pill is the ancient formula of absolute spatial
awareness and in the red pill is the ancient formula of
walking-in-the-mist.

Ryoga: And this means to me...?

Cologne: [bats Ryoga on head] Absolute spatial awareness means that you'll
never get lost again! And walking-in-the-mist makes whoever swallows it
never be able to find their way anywhere!

Ryoga: Why would you want to make Shampoo's future groom  lose his sense of
direction? He wouldn't be able to navigate from the church doors to the
priest! What use would he be to you, then?

Cologne: [evil chuckle] Walking-in-the-mist has another use. In ancient
times, when the Amazon tribe was exploring the land of Asia before the
great dynasties, our folk would explore the land for years at a time. The
occasional accidental line drawn on a map, or bad luck, and the explorers
would be lost without hope of seeing the Amazon village, again - which is
when they would take walking-in-the-mist because one of its proporties is
return the user back to the place where the formula was mixed. [holds up
red pill] This pill was mixed back in my Amazon village. To be exact, at 
the alter of the church.

Ryoga: You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. What's to
stop Ranma simply turning around and heading back to Japan.

Cologne: Because the only way the groom will get the antidote is if he
marries Shampoo.

Ranma-chan: **I wonder where I can get pots of edible green paint and red
paint?** 

Ryoga: [calmly] Heh, you planned this well, old lady. The last few
generations of my family have suffered from a bad sense of direction.
[angrily] Even though Ranma has been my enemy for years and though I long
to crush him utterly, I would never stoop so low as to use something other
than my own hands to defeat him. Keep your pills and potions, old woman, 
I don't think I want to talk to you anymore. [calmly] Thank you for the
rice. [gets up and makes for exit]

<crash, crash!>

Chef: Hey, customers are to stay out of kitchen!

Ryoga: Sorry! Sorry!

[Ranma-chan gets up, glomps onto Ryoga and quickly takes him to the exit] 
 
Ryoga: Ummm, excuse me miss but who are you?

Ranma-chan: [now hand-in-hand][leading Ryoga back to Ucchans] Promise ya
won't hit me?

Ryoga: Why would I want to hit an innocent young slip of a girl like you?

Ranma-chan: Really?

Ryoga: Really, now who are you and why would I want to hit you?

Ranma-chan: [takes of wig and Dame Edna Everage glasses] Truly?

Ryoga: Trully, <blink-blink> RANMA YOU D -ahem, that was clever making me
promise not to hit you, but that's only good until next time, so what do
you want?

Ranma-chan: Why did you turn down a perfect opportunity to send me back to
China and a sense of direction?

Ryoga: Heh, you still don't know me as well as you might want to think you
do.

Ranma-chan: That was a complex sentence, why didn't you just start with:
He hee, little do you know _but_, or somethin'.

Ryoga: By all the gods great and small Ranma! Do you care so little about
Akane?!

Ranma-chan: What... what has Akane to do with the way you speak??!?!?!?

Royoga: Ask yourself who has been missing from her bed this past week?

Ranma-chan: A certain little pig.

Ryoga: RRRRRRRight. The less time I spend as a pig the better my eloqution
becomes.

Ranma-chan: Ah! That's right, you used to be a regular Kuno before each
fight hen we were kids.

Ryoga: Yep but now I've started to recover my true speech pattern and I
have kyo to thank for that [looks at Ranma *aha!*] You knew Ukyo as 
kids! Tell me! What was she like as a child?! What am I doing wrong? 
Or right?

Ranma-chan: [pulls back from Ryoga] Chill Ryoga, just chill, I only knew
Ukyo as a child and besides I didn't know Ukyo was a girl! Until she 
came to Nerima for her revenge I only thought of her as a means of free 
food! [Face to face with Ryoga] You're the one who should know the most
about Ukyo as she is just now, heck! She's living in your house!

Ryoga: But but but but but but but but but...

Ranma-chan: Change the record Ryoga! [moves away from Ryoga] 
What do you two do all night at your house?

Ryoga: Eat, train, watch T.V. and sleep.

Ranma-chan: Is that allllll that happens at your house? Are you sure that
there's no uh um whatyamacallit-

Ryoga: Emotional subtext?

Ranma-chan: Yeah! Try applyin' that recovered vocabulary of yours to what
happens tonight. [still moving away from Ryoga] **That's two less tryin'
ta' kill/marry me, I'm so smooth.**

Ryoga: Where are you going? Where have you left me?

[Ranma starts bouncing from roof to roof away from Ryoga, Ryoga just stands
and watches]

Ryoga: **Lost AGAIN, now how am I suposed to find-**

Ukyo: Hello again, back from your walk? Well, good timing, I just
remembered that it's early closing on a Wednessday!

[Ryoga turns around to find himself outside "Ucchans." Ukyo has just
finished locking up for the evening]

Ukyo: Ready to go home? 

Ryoga: Yup. ** Why did she say home, instead of the usual "your house"?**

Ukyo: [unties the bandanna Royoga gave her for this purpose, from her wrist
and then ties one end to Ryogas left wrist and the other end to her right
wrist, this left a foot of material linking them together] Let's go! [they
both start a mild jog back to Ryogas house]

{Fade out}

{Fade in}

[At an expensive restaurant in the shopping district, two people are
sitting at a table in the quieter part of the building]

Dr.Tofu: H-How are you enjoying your meal? I mean you might not be but, er,
what do you think of the food so far?

Kasumi: [smiles at Dr. Tofu] It's very good, I didn't know that there was
an authentic English style restaurant in Nerima.

Dr.Tofu: I thought we might try something different tonight. [nearly drops
knife and fork]

Kasumi: **He's not clumsy tonight because he's eating with something other
than chopsticks. I can see that box-shape in his pocket, he's going to
propose, isn't he, and what will I say? Will I tell him of my background?
Of things that not even Nabiki or Akane know? Well? And how long have
I been pondering what to do when he asks? A month? A Year? Do I even
know myself after all this time?** [Kasumi watches as Tofu put down his 
knife and fork and reaches for _that_ pocket with his left hand, Kasumi
puts her left hand on his right hand. Dr. Tofu stops moving and 
looking distracted and just looks into her eyes] I think there is 
something you should know about me before you do 
anything drastic....

{fade out}

{fade in}

Tenchi: **Nearly done, and boy am I beat!**
  
[<veuuuuuuuuummm> Tenchi looks up to see Ryo-oki fly over the school and
come in for a landing on a part of the grounds he has all ready swept
that's close by]

Tenchi: **I'm going to have to do that AGAIN <sigh>**

Ryoko: Tenchii! Tenchii!! [Ryoko flys out of Ryo-ohki's hull towards
Tenchi] Ayeka said you might be late home tonight so I thought I'd bring
 you dinner, hope ya like it cause I made it. [lands beside Tenchi]

Ayeka: [stairs appear out of one of the fins as does a door, the stairs are
automatic and Ayeka rushes down the stairs towards Tenchi and Ryoko]
Tenchi! don't poison yourself with that swill, here, eat mine instead! 
[pushes Ryoko out of the way]

Tenchi: Well I er... um... ar... maybe? A small piece?

[Mihoshi, Washu and Sasami descend the stairs, once they're on the ground
the stairs retract back into the hull. It doesn't stop there. The fins and
hull seem to be squishing into one very small shape. They are. It's
Ryo-ohki in its guise as a bunny/cat (or Cabbit as it is more 
commonly called) which drops a few feet down to land on Sasami's head 
where it will perch until further notice]

Ryoko and Ayeka: [nearly physically fighting] This! No! This!

{cut to-}

Kasumi: [with tears in eyes] So, I can understand... why... you might...
not want to see me... after tonight...

Dr. Tofu: [with more tears in eyes] Your tale of woe is indeed tragic but I
don't see why we cannot be - 

Kasumi: - Have you not listened to a word I've said? How could you still
love me?

Dr. Tofu: Just because you can't... it does not prevent me from doing this-

Kasumi: -Please, Doctor, don't ask me that question. I've just told you
something about me that, apart from my father, no-one knows. Don't ask me
right now... [looks away from Tofu] ...I'm feeling too emotional about the
subject right now.. I-I just... please don't... [starts crying again]

Dr. Tofu: [with sympathy, takes her hands into his] I won't, I won't...   

[They look deep into each other's eyes and mourn for what might've been...]
[...Soon after that, Kasumi and Dr. Tofu leave the restaurant arm in arm. A
gentleman escorting a lady home.] 

{Fade out...}
{End scene}
****************************************************************************


****************************************************************************




	Oh! My Tenchi 1/2
	The Magnificently Confused World

Ghost of PHOOsun:[looks left and right] Well nobodys here, ha ha! Sorry,
<ahem> Without any interuptions he's the next part...


		CHAPTER 1, part 3: Going, going, GONE!

{Fade in...}
[After an intence discution of what will be done tomorrow Makoto final
leaves the L.O.T.O. and the C.O.C. to finalise the plan and make it 
(School) legal]

[School locker room...]

Makoto: [opens his locker and finds a note] I wonder who this is from?
[opens and reads note] 
               Dear Makoto,
               Can you please meet me in the forest, outside of
               school, after class today. 
                                         Yours,
                                               Nanami. XXX

Makoto: Wow! I wonder if she likes me? [blush]

{fade out}

{fade in}

[Ryoga's house...]

PHOOsun: In order to obfuscate this scene further from the reader, Ukyo's
thoughts will not be shown. Bwahahahaa!

[Ukyo and Ryoga make good time getting to the house, only eight minutes
this day. As soon as Ukyo has shown Ryoga into the house and closed 
the door behind them, only then does she untie the bandanna from Ryoga's
 wrist, leaving it tied round hers.]

Ukyo: I'll cook the dinner if you go find the TV station with that cartoon
show we watched last night. [moves into the kitchen]

Ryoga: **Panic, panic, panic. Ryoga's brain to other bits of Ryoga's brain:
alert alert alert. We have lots of problems but first of all, where's the
TV? LIVING ROOM!! Thankyou, second one: where's the living room?! 
UNKNOWN!
UNKNOWN!
ERROR! 
ERROR!
Didn't we solve this problem? YES, YES WE DID. How? DOORWAYS!
SIGNPOSTS! That's right, Ukyo went and put signposts at every doorway
so that I would know where I was in the house.** [looks left and right, 
notice big signpost saying "living room this way". Moves through first door
on left, sits down in middle of couch, picks up the remote and starts to 
flick through the channels.] **Is that it?! Is that all the problem was?!
NO,THERE'S MORE. What's the problem, now??! ONE (1), "RYOGA 
HONEY";  TWO (2), "LET'S GO HOME"; THREE (3), SHE'S WEARING 
ONE OF MY BANDANNA'S ON HER WRIST.** 

Ukyo: [enters the living room from the kitchen with two bowls of noodle
soup] Hope you like your noodles cold. And, have you found that 
station yet?

Ryoga: ** FOUR(4), UNLESS SHE WANTS TO SIT ON THE 
UNCOMFORTABLE ARMCHAIR, SHE'S GOING TO HAVE TO SIT ON 
THE SOFA, RIGHT BESIDE ME.** [Note: Ryoga is sprawled out on a 
(small) three person sofa and he's occupying the middle part of the 
sofa] 

[She sits on the left of Ryoga. On the sofa. She hands him the noodles, he
takes the bowl and starts eating the food, the chopsticks and most of the
bowl]

Ukyo: Boy, we don't have much washing up to do! Good thing that was a paper
bowl. [looks at TV] How can you get lost navigating round the TV
controller? [Takes a second look at TV] The program isn't in Japanese! 
Pass over the controllor.

Ryoga: Sure [starts to lift right hand (the one with the controllor in it)
when Ukyo leans really close to Ryoga, throws her right arm around his
shoulders] **ALLLLLLLEEEEERRRRRTTTTTT!!!!!!!!! She's doing something!**
<ba-bump ba-bump ba-bump> [Ukyo begins to press buttons on the remote with
her right hand]

Ukyo: So we want to switch from foreign to domestic satellite <click> then
to cable <click-click> and on to TOYKO TODAY Channel 4 <Click> [looks at
screen, smiles] Why do you have so many TV channels?

Ryoga: **Stall for time! Major overloads! On all systems! Ah! The TV is a
safe topic start talk while we find a way to
(getridofherarm)/(takeadvantage)
WHAT?!?!?! Doesn't matter just talk!!!!** Uh... well my family has this
tendency to get lost at the most inapproriate moments so... my family
thought that it best that we have as full a coverage of the world
political/social/weather situation as possible [Ryoga continues to stall
desperately like this for as long as possible]

[Ukyo finishes eating her noodles and returns the bowl to the kitchen.]

Ryoga: **Get out of here before she returns! A bath! A bath! Yes, let's
have a bath! Motion passed and granted; this now has the power of law, 
legs! Do your thing!** [gets up and immediately heads for stairs. He 
stops, looks for the correct signpost and heads for where the stairs 
really are] [to Ukyo, from top of stairs] I'm going to have a bath!

Ukyo: ...OK!

Ryoga: [eventually finds bathroom and runs a hot bath] [strips off and gets
into bath] **Eeber yabble!** I can't even thinking straight!, now, Did she
do that deliberately or was it accidental or was it deliberately
accidental? Was she playing on the knowledge that I thought that she 
was unfeminine and therefore she would pretend to think nothing of it 
whilst she would be monitoring my reaction to the event, for example 
my pulse. Was she secretly monitoring my pulse as she pressed on 
the remote? No, ah, this is Ranma's doing! He planted these ideas 
in my head! Curse you, Ranma, next time I see
you, you're... you're... I'm going to hit you so hard you'll travel back in
time and not even have been conceived!! [Gets up out of bath] I'll hit you
so many times, I'll beat the record for the number of wingbeats a
hummingbird does per second!! [walks over to shower] I'll hit you so 
presicely, quantum physicists will murmur in awe at my accuracy! 
[switches shower on, cold]
I'll-

P-chan: BWEEEE!!*
*Oh crap!!

[It should be noted for the reader that during the last week, Ryoga had
devised a method for minimising his pig time. This involved one, having a
hot bath; two, when he got out of the bath he would turn on the hot tap 
on the sink before three, having a cold shower and turning into a pig; then
four, splashing himself with hot water from the sink and turning into a 
human, again.] [It should also be noted by the reader that today Ryoga 
didn't switch on the hot tap on the sink.] 

P-chan: BWEEEE!*
*There might still be some hot water left in the bath. [leaps for bath,
looks into bath, the last of the water spirals out of the plughole] 

P-chan: Bu-kweee-*
*This could be difficult, fortunately I have a contingency plan for this
situation -

[There is a knock at the door, Ukyo's voice can be heard saying "Are you
still in there, Ryoga?" The door is opened revealing a partially-clothed
Ukyo.]

P-chan: -EEEE!!*
* -But not this one!

Ukyo: Oh, P-chan! Akane's been worried about you! You've been gone for
quite a long time.

P-chan: **She knows! She doesn't knows! She knows! She doesn't know! She
knows and she doesn't care!**

Ukyo: [picks up and hugs P-chan] Well there's a good thing there's a bath
downstairs, otherwise I might have used you as a sponge! [slight giggle]
[has P-chan under one arm and a full cup of hot cocoa in the other]

P-chan: **Hot/cold/good/bad/hot/cold/bad/good....**

Ukyo: <Yawn> I'm so tired, today was really too much! I'm just going to go
to sleep... Where did Ryoga go to? Surely he didn't get lost going from the
bathroom to his room. <yawn> [walks towards room marked "Ukyo's Room 
Do Not Enter"]

P-chan: Bweee!!*
*Fun/perversion/fun/perversion/friends/lovers/!!!/ 

[Ukyo readies her bed and slumps onto the pillow, P-chan is eye-to-eye with
her. She's sleeping on her left side with her right arm around P-chan and
her right hand is resting on the cup of hot cocoa on the floor. She closes
her eyes and her breathing becomes more regular and peaceful]

P-chan: **Right now, if she really wanted to, she could splash me
oh-so-casually with the hot cocoa. Ukyo: "Oh my, Ryoga! How did you get
into my bed, I didn't know you cared, best just take advantage of this!" 
<ba-bump ba-bump>
 Or.. OR SHE DOESN'T KNOOOWWW!!! AND SHE'S SPLASHES 
ME WITH COCOA... Ukyo: "Ahhh! Ryoga what're you doing in my bed??! 
I thought we could be friends, you obviously want more than I can give you!
 From this day forward, we are strangers!! 
<ba-bump ba-bump ba-bump>
 I'm just going to eeeaassse myself out of here and see if she's poured out

all of the hot dishwater, yet. Or, on the third hand, I could just stay
here all night like I used to with Akane. <sigh> No, I can't do this 
to Ukyo! (Then why could I do it to Akane?)** 
[The pig moves ever so slowly until he is out from underneath Ukyo's
arm. He then heads for the door, when he gets there he realises that a pig
cannot open a closed door. The only source of hot liquid is in the hot
cocoa beside Ukyo] **Oooh dear.** [moves back over to Ukyo and tips the
cocoa onto his body using his front trotters.]

[There is now a naked teenage boy sitting cross-legged beside Ukyo pouring
hot cocoa onto his most private parts. He very suddenly stops and makes
sure that the cup is exactly ninety degrees to the horizontal] [his eyes
start to tear up but he doesn't actually cry]

Ryoga: **I should've have just stayed in pig form!! OW! OW! OW! I don't
belive how much that hurt! I mustn't make a noise, I mustn't make a
noise!** [_really_ _carefully_ stands up] **Please please please don't wake
up! Please please please...** [carefully walks over to the door and steps
on
a bent giant battle spatula] <muffled thud> **OOOooohhhwwwaa... I really 
didn't need that! Why does she leave such dangerous objects lying around 
when any innocent naked teenage boy could hurt themselves?! Oh, I think
I'll just stand here for a little while!** [carefully observes the
remaining floor
between himself and the door and notes it to be completely free of
obstruction] [he walks, making sure each step is individually quiet, he
goes up to the door and opens it.]
**Gobacktobed/leave!/gobacktobed/leave!/havethedecencytopoursome
coldwaterovermyselfbeforeIgobacktobed...** [He leaves and closes the 
door behind him and goes downstairs and sits on sofa, on the remote 
control, accidently switching the TV on]

TV: [loudly] If you can live to dream a thousand million nights...

Ryoga: [hears Ukyo descending the stairs] [looks down, realises naked apart
from bandanna around head, grabs cushion and strategically repositions it] 

[Ukyo enters the living room, which is so dimly lit that her thin night
kimono doesn't reveal anything]

Ukyo: !

Ryoga: Ukyo! What're you doing up? I thought you'd gone to sleep!

Ukyo: [deep shock] So you thought you'd walk about the house naked, did
you? [desperately trying to ignore obvious] Have you seen P-chan? He was 
here, recently. <sniff, sniff> Do I smell cocoa ?

<Crunch as the back door is kicked open and lots of sunlight floods the
room>

[Ryoga jumps up and stands between Ukyo and the noise]

Ryoga: Ukyo!!I!will!defend!you!from!! ...Hello Akane. 

[Ukyo notices Ryoga has dropped his cushion]

Akane: !

Ranma: So "eat, train, watch TV and... _sleep_," eh? You still expect me
to believe that?

{Cut to->}

Twenty minutes ago...

{fade in}

Ranma: **Well I hope Ryoga doesn't blow it, he and Ukyo make a good
couple** [opens street door and walks towards house] **Now all I got to 
do is find convenient pairs for all my other fiancees/enemies. Shampoo 
and Mousse, that's who I'll set up next! It's easy!** [Walks into house, 
sitting round the table is Mousse, Shampoo, Kuno, Kodachi, Gosunkugi,
Tsubasa, Mikado Sanzenin and Azusa Shiratori etc...] **Uh-oh**

Akane: [enters room from kitchen, carrying tray of food][to Ranma] You
don't like my cooking so I thought I'd invite everyone who might have 
an opinion!

Ranma: !?!

Akane: [Puts tray on table] Eat up! And tell me what you think of it!

Kuno: That the love of my life would cook a meal for me! Akane, I will
gladly eat your offering of love! [picks up a sample of food with 
chopsticks and starts eating]

Shampoo: **Let's see what my love-rival can cook like, I _know_ in my heart
that I'm a better cook than Akane can ever be!** [dips spoon into soup and
takes a sip]

[All there take a bite/sip of the food Akane has put in front of them]

Ranma: Akane! Have you turned into a mass murderer?!

[Ten seconds of silence apart from Akane malleting Ranma to the floor]

[Shampoo bends spoon and starts crying into her hands, Kuno shows no
emotion apart from a solitary tear]

Kuno: [Stands up, wobbles] Ranma how... how..

Shampoo: [Leaps to her feet, pulls bora-bora from somewhere] Aiya! Shampoo
can no compete with THAT!

Mouse: **Hee hee! I secretly added spice-of-taste to the food! Anything
that is even remotely edible will taste supremely delicious! Shampoo will
have to give up on Ranma after seeing that Akane is a better 
cook than her!**

Kuno: ...How can you insult such COOKING! [Draws sword]

Shampoo: Shampoo have no option but to KILL Akane!

All:
DieRanma/DieAkane/Ranmamarryme/AkaneIamyoursforever/howdareyoutouchher/
whatyoudotoRanma...

Ranma: Akane! Let's get out of here [grabs Akane's hand and uses the
Saotome secret technique (i.e. runs away from the mob)]

Akane: Where are we going?

Ranma: To find some friends! **I hope Ryoga hasn't tried to make a move on
Ukyo and been given the brush off, I need him owing me a favour!**

Howling mob: Get back here!

{Fade out}

{Fade in}

Ranma: So "eat, train, watch TV and... _sleep_," eh? You still expect me
to believe that?

Ryoga and Ukyo: [blush and _big_ sweatdrop] I-It's not what it looks like!
	
Akane: [with eyes closed, blushing] This better be convincing! 'Cause right
now it looks exactly like what it looks like!

Ryoga: [looks at Ukyo, notices her kimono has become partly transparant due
to lots of natural light] Er.. Hadn't you better cover up?

Ukyo: [Points at Ryoga's obvious nakedness] WHAT ABOUT YOU??!

[Sounds of Howling Mob at back door]

Ranma: Well, love to stay and chat but I can see you're busy! [grabs Akane]
Well, must dash! [runs out of front door]

[Howling Mob comes through back door and heads for front door] 

Howling Mob:
'scusemeyouseen/sorrytobotheryou/Ididn'tknowRyogahadsuchnicebuns
/Iseeyou'vegivenupyourloveforAkane,Akane!/ShampookillAkane!SorryShampoonots
eewherehandsgo/sothat'swhyyourejectedme,Ukyo!/Ooh!CharlotteisreallyCharles!/


Ohohoooh!SothebrazenharlothasgivenuponRanma!/thereyouareShampoo<glomp>
<slap!>/I'mnotShampoo,I'mUkyo!!/sosorrymustgetnewglasses.... 

[Howling Mob leave the house through the front door. Ryoga and Ukyo in deep
shock for half a second before they notice each other's state of undress.] 

Ryoga: Ranma, for this! You will DIE!! [charges out of front door]

Ukyo: [shouts] Put some clothes on, idiot!

{fade out}

{fade in}

[A small well-kept temple...]
[Inside the small living-room]

Urd: Well, why don't you just drink it then?!

Keiichi: Because it's probably a love potion!

Urd: And there's something wrong with that?

Keiichi: ?!

[Telephone rings]

Urd: Skuld, answer that!

Skuld: [from another room] I'm busy just now!

Belldandy: [from kitchen] It's OK, I'll get that. [answers the phone] 

Urd: **Now's my chance to slip something in the food... I'll offer to buy
Skuld some ice-cream and that way me and her don't eat the food and we're
not here to interrupt anything!** [gets up and moves toward kitchen]

Keiichi: [notices Urd's movement] **I think we're eating take-out.**

Belldandy: [to phone] Yes, I understand. Good-bye. [puts phone down] [walks
throgh to living-room] Urd! Skuld! [Urd and Skuld rush into the
living-room]

Urd: What's up?

Skuld: Who was on the phone?

Belldandy: That was The Almighty on the phone. Apparently, a large wormhole
will be opening quite close by to here.

Urd: So, that happens all the time 'round here. What makes this one so
special?

Belldandy: It's from another universe! it'll be opening in another ten
minutes! The Almighty wants us to go there because mortals from this world
are going to be dragged into it and we have to be there to protect them.

Skuld: Isn't that the duty of warrior spirits?

Belldandy: Yes, that's why a good half-dozen will be meeting us there. [to
Keiichi] Can you please give us a lift to someplace called Furinkan High
School? Also, do you have anymore of those moon bracelets?

Keiichi: I think we still have some left over from last time.

Skuld: Looks like we're missing dinner tonight.

Urd: **Damn! And I just poured my latest love potion into the stew!
Arrrgh!**

[Camera travels up onto roof to reveal Mara]

Mara: **So, wormhole from another universe, eh? Mortals in need of
spiritual protection? I think I can thwart this plan, with help from the 
EIGHT WIZARDS FROM HELL! [takes off and flies toward Furinkan]

{fade out}

{fade in}

[Woodland, school visible in the background]

Makoto: [appears] Nanami? Namami? Where are you?

Katsuhiko: [jumps out of bush] Haha! You've fallen into my trap! 
Bwhahwhahahaahwahahahwahaaaa!!

Makoto: You faked that letter?

Katsuhiko: Of course not, I merely slipped into my sister's room and stole
a sample of her Creative Writing 101!

Makoto: But why?

Katsuhiko: School laws states that if the accuser does not turn up at the
trial, the defendant is free of all charges! [takes length of rope out of
pocket] So, I'm just going to have to make sure that you're not available
tommorow. [ominously advances on Makoto]

Makoto: [runs away] Aaaahhhh!!!

Katsuhiko: [gives chase] Get back here, Makoto! [falls over and gets up,
continues to chase Makoto]

Nabiki: [gets out of another bush, still pointing camera at
Katushiko/Makoto] Beautiful! Just beautiful! This is going  
to double the amount I can sell the video for!!! 
[chases after Katsuhiko carefully]  

{fade out}

{fade in}

[The teacher's longe at Furinkan. Mr. Fujisawa is polishing a climbing axe
and also polishing off a glass of sake. On the table is a map of the next
mountain he intends to climb]

<knock, knock at door>

Nanami: Mr. Fujisawa, are you there? [opens door]

Mr. Fujisawa: [pushes large bottle of sake behind him] Nanami! What're you
doing here?!

Nanami: I thought I'd bring you dinner, seeing as how you're working late.

Mr. Fujisawa: That's very thoughtful of you! [reaches for packed dinner]

Nanmi: [removes it from his grasp] That'll be two thousand yen please!

Mr. Fujisawa: You're charging me for the food?!

{fade out}

{fade in} 

[Ataru falls from sky towards the high school]

Ataru: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!! Just 'cos I said I didn't like Lum's dinner,
she threw me out of the spacecraft!!!

[Down on the ground...]

Ryoko: Eat mine first!

Ayeka: No, mine!

tenchi: Er... uh... hey! What's that up there? [points at Ataru]

Sasmi: Oh my! He might hurt himself when he hits the ground! Ryoko, do
something!

Ryoko: [grumbling] Why should I?

Sasami: Please! [Tears in eyes]

Tenchi: Oh my god! It's Ataru!! Ryoko, do something now or I'll never eat
your food!

Ryoka: All right, all right, I'll save him. [flies into air, intercepts
Ataru and comes down for a landing beside Tenchi. Ataru is 
unconscious. Unnoticed by everybidy, Ataru has big bruse on 
the top of his head] [under her breath] Little pervert.

Tenchi: [grabs Ataru] Ataru! Ataru, wake up! Speak to me, Ataru! What has
Lum done to you, now?!

Ataru: [groggy] Uhhhh... is that you, Tenchi...? She made me eat her uh...
special uh... dinner. [spots Ayeka and Ryoko holding Tenchi's dinner]
[springs out of Tenchi's grasps and grabs Ayeka's and Ryoko's dinners]
Maybe some food from two beautiful women will help me recover! 
[quickly eats both meals at once and swallows]

Ayeka & Ryoko: Hey, what did you do that for?!

Ataru: [sits down and starts crying] I don't think my tummy's ever gonna
forgive me! 

{Just then!!!}

[Ranma and Akane, followed by a smaller Howling Mob (survival of the
fittest) consisting of Kuno, Shampoo and Mousse. And shortly behind 
them, fully clothed, Ryoga and Ukyo.]

{At the same time!!!}

Kasumi: [to Tofu] Why don't we take a shortcut through the high school?

{Meanwhile!!!}

Keiichi: Have we made it in time? [pulls up onto school parking lot]

{...On the other side of the school!!!}
 
Sho Fukamachi: well, I've saved Mizuki from _another_ Zoanoid attack! But
she can never know that I am the Guyver! Ah, I think I'll take shortcut 
through my high school to get home.

{At this exact moment!!!}

[Katsuhiko has finally cornered Makoto.]

Katsuhiko: I've got you now, Makoto! There's no escape!

		[There was a flash of light!]

Makoto: Aaaaahh! [realises Katsuhiko hasn't attacked him] [risks opening
his eyes to see a stationary Katsuhiko] Katsuhiko? Are you all right?
Katsuhiko? Talk to me! [waves hand infront of face] [no response] 
[punches Katsuhkio in the Gut - no effect apart from bruised hand] 
[gets large plank of wood and pounds Katsuhiko over the head with 
it - no response, apart from broken plank] Katsuhiko, what's happened to 
you??! [walks away from him past a stationary Nabiki with camera, 
towards school] What's going on around here?! 
[spots many silent unmoving people]

[Tenchi plus his girls, crowded round a sitting Ataru. Ten feet above them
a very angry Lum is stationary in the air]
[Doctor Tofu and Kasumi, walking arm in arm, or they would be if they were
not stationary]
[Three young women and a young man around a motorcycle, looking at another
young women who is laughing, that is they would be if they hadn't stopped
moving]
[Ranma plus Akane, surrounded by various friend/enemies/fiancees. Ryoga,
stationary in air above Ranma, having been about to beat him to death with
his umbrella. Above and behind Ryoga, Ukyo is about to slam Ryoga with a
battle spatula]
[A young man, standing beside the Ranma group, looking on, goggle-eyed]

[Makoto walks towards school]

Makoto: What's that? You want me to go to the newly discovered temple?
[walks into the new temple] 

[The chamber on the wall opens revealing Ifurita, a beautiful woman dressed
in clothes Makoto has never seen before. She steps out of the chamber and
falls into Makoto's arms.]

Ifurita: I have waited for you these past ten millennia, Makoto... That one
day I would hold you in my arms, again...

Makoto: Uh, do I know you?

Ifurita: Oh, cruel fates, that we have to be cast apart, again! Know this,
that when you return from the world of El-Hazard, I will be waiting for
you! [pulls away from Makoto] The passage of time has weakened me and I
must send you now while I'm still able! [dancing lights start appearing 
around her]

Makoto: El-Hazard!?!

[There is a bright flash of light that consumes the school yard]

[Makoto can see himself falling towards a planet. On the way down he sees
many faces, both familiar and unfamiliar, friendly and unfriendly. The
planet rushes upon towards him and....] 

[there is a bright flash of light.]
{fade out
{End Scene}
End of Chapter 1: parts 1/3, 2/3 and 3/3 
****************************************************************************


****************************************************************************





PHOOsun: Huzzah! Not only has part 2 and 3 been completed but I have a new
body. 

Alielle:[glom] And what a fine body it is!

PHOOsun: Aaah! Oh no, I'm a woman!!

Ranma: You get used to it.

PHOOsun: Right! No more of this
after-story-author-talking-to-the-characters
rubbish!! Cut straight to the credits!!

Ataru: Phwoarr! 

PHOOsun: Now! Now! Now!

*^*^*^*^*^*^Cast^*^*^*^*^*^*

Ranma 1/2:

Ranma Saotome (cursed to turn into girl, martial artist )
Akane Tendo (martial artist)
Nabiki Tendo (business woman)
Kasumi Tendo (victim of circumstances)
Tatewaki Kuno (swordsman and idiot)
Ryoga Hibiki (cursed to turn into little black pig, martial artist )
Shampoo (Chinese Amazon and martial artist, cursed to turn into cat)
Mousse (Chinese Amazon, martial artist and with poor eye-sight, cursed to
turn into duck)
Ukyo Kuonji (martial artist and okonomiyaki chef)
Soun Tendo (father of Akane, Nabiki and Kasumi, martial artist)
Genma Saotome (father of Ranma, martial artist, cursed to turn into panda) 


Tenchi Muyo: 

Tenchi (Japanese high school student and a prince of Jurai)
Ayeka (a princess of Jurai)
Sasami (Ayeka's sister)
Mihoshi (galaxy police officer)
Ryoko (demon)


Oh! My Goddess!:

Belldandy (goddess)
Skuld (goddess)
Urd (goddess) 
Keiichi (a mortal)
Mara (demon)


Urusei Yatsura:

Lum (alien)
Ataru (first-class pervert)
Mendo (high school student, rich)
Shinobu (high school student) 


El-Hazard:
Makoto Mizuhara (high school student)
Katsuhiko Jinnai (megalomaniac with crazy laugh)
Nanami Jinnai (younger sister, Nabiki-wannabe)
Mr. Fujisawa (their teacher, enjoys smoking and drinking)
Shayla-Shayla (priestess of fire at Mount Muldoon)
Ifurita (ultimate weapon, demon of war, love interest)


Guyver

Sho Fukamachi (high school student and ultimate weapon)


PHOOsun: And finally... your recommended reading is "Excession" by Ian M.
Banks (publisher Orbit) and "The Punch Guide To Good Living" (by Punch
Publications Limited)."The Reality Dysfunction" by Peter F. Hamilton
(published by Macmillan) and "The Goon Show Scripts" written and selected
by Spike Milligan (Unless goon is a rude word in americaness in witch case
I apologise) Published by The Woburn Press (1972)Your recommended 
listening is "Beat Goes On", by The All Seeing I. 

Send C&C to stroma@globalnet.co.uk !!! ^_^

Here are a few stock phrases you can copy and paste into your e-mail if you
are feeling lazy...
(1) - That story sucked so bad, it nearly sucked the eyes out of my head.
(2) - I can't believe what you did to character X!
(3) - There was not enough of character X.
(4) - I hated your P-chan thoughts in part 3.
(5) - I thought you P-chan bits were brilliant and innovative and I want to
see more!!
(6) - This story was only average.
(7) - This story was worth reading, do more.
(8) - This story was fantastic!
(9) - I am a beautiful 22 year-old female who is very rich. Please marry
me! 
(10) - As soon as you have finished chapter 2, give it to me a.s.a.p. or I
will kill you.
(11) - Why is Kasumi described as a victim of circumstance?

PHOOsun: From here on, the format of the story changes. There will be lots
of chapter 2's featuring what happens to certain characters when they 
arrive in El-Hazard. Stay tuned for: 

P-chan in the world of beautiful women;
Kasumi gunfighter;OR The ballard of Kasumi Tendo
Shampoo gets upset;<prob. Darkfic>
Ranma-chan forever;
Katsuhiko and Nabiki with the Bugrom.
Guyver v's Ifurita ROUND ONE!!! FIGHT!!!
Discusion of theology at Mont Mulldoon
PHOOsun: Well, that's enough spoilers for now. I better keep writing or
Harper ("All Mixed Up") will shoot me in the back of the head, Bye-bye! :)