Just in time for April Fools' Day, it's...

The Ramen Sketch!

With profuse and hopefully lawsuit-avoiding apologies and acknowledgements
to Monty Python's Flying Circus and Rumiko Takahashi, and any and all
distributors of their work.

****

[Open on a shot of the Nekohanten in the early evening.]

VOICE (offscreen): Alright, boys. Ready... aim...

[Not that kind of shot! Sheesh...]

VOICE (offscreen): Oh. Right then. Do we still get paid?

[If I say yes, will you go away?]

VOICE (offscreen): I don't see why not.

[Okay then. You'll get paid.]

VOICE (offscreen): Alright then boys, let's get a move on. 'Up, two three
four...

[The sound of marching fades into the distance as the sound of conversation
fades FROM the distance.]

NABIKI (offscreen): Well, I hope you're happy.

RANMA (offscreen): It was instant ramen! How could she possibly mess up
instant ramen?

NABIKI (offscreen): She didn't... mess it up... she just took a few...
creative liberties with the recipe.

RANMA (offscreen): Uh huh. "Creative liberties" don't create something that
demands a blood sacrifice.

[Nabiki and Ranma walk onscreen from stage left. Ranma... well, the boy's
seen better days. He looks generally drained, and his right arm is wrapped
in bandages. There are several burn marks beginning to form on his left
arm.]

RANMA: If I never see another bowl of ramen again, it'll be too soon.

[Nabiki stops and grabs Ranma's right arm. He winces in pain.]

NABIKI: We're here.

[Ranma takes a quick look around.]

RANMA: The Neko... couldn't we go somewhere else for dinner?

NABIKI: Do you want Akane to find out what you did with your serving?

[We cut to a shot of a van, driving along a dimly lit road. Stenciled on the
side are the words "Mishima Heavy Industries: Genetic Research Division".
Several noodles are caught in the double doors at the back of the van, and
they're twitching spasmodically.]

RANMA (sweatdrops): The Nekohanten it is.

NABIKI (thoughts): Hey, 100,000 yen is 100,000 yen. And the goblin didn't
say anything about interfering in whatever they have planned for Ranma.

[Cut to the back room of the Nekohanten. Cologne is holding a shaker filled
with a dark red powder and lightly dusts a bowl of ramen with it. (Yes, it's
the oft-overused "passion spice". Just a notch below Hentai Adept strength.)
Shampoo comes in from the dining area, VERY excited.]

SHAMPOO: Money-girl bring airen, just like you say, great-grandmother!

COLOGNE (Evil Grin(tm)): Excellent, child. After tonight, I doubt that
anyone else will be able to lay claim to son-in-law.

SHAMPOO: Why? What happen tonight, great-grandmother?

[Cologne adds another shake of passion spice to the bowl of ramen.]

SHAMPOO: Ah... Shampoo see... (giggle)

[Cut to the dining area of the Nekohanten. Ranma and Nabiki enter, and Ranma
tenses, expecting a purple-haired glomp to shoot his way... let's just say
that Shampoo's crushing strength and Ranma's burnt skin wouldn't make for a
happy combination. When Shampoo doesn't come bouncing out of the back room,
Ranma relaxes, and he and Nabiki sit at a table for two. The six tables
nearest them are occupied by the Nerima Vikings, the local baseball team, on
their end-of-season victory celebration. (What, you were expecting
berserkers with horned helmets? This is Japan, people...)]

[Ranma settles into his chair just as Shampoo bounces out of the back room.
She looks a bit sad that Ranma's already seated - glomping through a table
and chair back is not exactly easy or comfortable - but she quickly shrugs
it off and goes to take the dinner order.]

SHAMPOO: Nihao, airen! What you like tonight?

RANMA (just a bit confused): Umm... where are the menus, Shampoo?

SHAMPOO: Stupid Mousse pick up wrong box at printer's. Airen not worry,
Shampoo remember everything on menu, no problems.

NABIKI: So what DO you have?

SHAMPOO: Well... we have ramen; ramen and vegetables; ramen and beef; ramen
and chicken; ramen, beef, and vegetables; ramen, chicken, and vegetables...

[Ranma is wincing visibly every time Shampoo says the word "ramen." Which is
perfectly within local ordinance 539 for People Who Have Recently Been
Attacked by Food Items.]

SHAMPOO: ...ramen and egg drop; ramen and wonton; ramen, beef, ramen, and
wonton; ramen, chicken, ramen, egg drop, ramen, and vegetables...

[The Vikings begin a chant...]

VIKINGS: Ra-men, ra-men, ra-men, ra-men...

SHAMPOO: ...ramen, wonton, egg drop, and ramen; beef, vegetables, ramen, and
egg drop; ramen, vegetables, ramen, ramen, ramen, wonton, egg drop, and
ramen; ramen, ramen, ramen, beef, ramen, ramen, wonton, ramen, ramen, and
vegetables; ramen, ramen, ramen, ramen, ramen, ramen, beefbowl, and ramen...
and the special.

VIKINGS: Ra-men, ra-men, ra-men, ra-men...

SHAMPOO (thought): Shampoo must remember... open pot of ramen, open jar of
happiness spice, and stupid Mousse without glasses is accident waiting to
happen.

RANMA (eagerly): What's the special?

SHAMPOO: Oh... special is finest Peking Duck, stir-fried with fresh snow
peas, crisp water chestnuts, tender young bamboo shoots, and dash of virgin
olive oil, and served over bed of perfectly steamed white rice...

[Ranma has an expectant look on his face and is salivating.]

SHAMPOO: ...and ramen.

[Ranma, predictably, facefaults.]

VIKINGS (in four-part harmony): Ra-men ra-men ra-men ra-men / Lovely ramen,
wonderful ramen / Ramen! Food of the gods! / Beautiful, wonderful
ra-a-a-a-a-a-a-men

[Shampoo glares at the Vikings. I would say she looked daggers at them, but
her expression is more akin to "ritual disemboweling katana" than it is to
"daggers" and it wouldn't make much sense to say she looked ritual
disemboweling katanas at them.]

SHAMPOO: Quiet!

[The Vikings fall silent.]

NABIKI (pointing to the Vikings): What's that all about?

SHAMPOO: Stupid Mousse put wrong spice into last batch of ramen.

NABIKI (thoughts): Spice... ramen... ah. That's their game then.

NABIKI: Well, I'll have the special. How about you, Ranma?

RANMA: Don't you have anything without r... r... those noodles in it?

SHAMPOO: Airen no like ramen?

[Ranma shudders.]

RANMA: It beat me within an inch of my life last night.

[Shampoo looks confused for a minute, and turns to Nabiki.]

SHAMPOO: Violent girl try cooking again?

[Nabiki nods in response.]

SHAMPOO (thoughts): Even when tomboy not trying, she come between Shampoo
and Airen. Only time Shampoo see airen more afraid when Shampoo cuddle him
as cat. But airen HAS to eat at least a little ramen...

SHAMPOO: How about ramen, chicken, egg drop, and ramen? That only have
little
bit of ramen in it.

RANMA: But... I don't think I could stand to look at any r... r... ramen,
much less eat it. Not after last night.

[Ranma shudders again.]

RANMA: Couldn't you just... leave out the ramen?

SHAMPOO (insulted): Leave out ramen? Shampoo leave out ramen and whole meal
is ruined. Airen not want eat bad dinner.

[The chant is starting up in the background again, but Shampoo's attention
is currently on Ranma, and she doesn't hear it.]

RANMA: No, but...

SHAMPOO: Then it settled. Shampoo bring one special and one order ramen,
beef, and vegetables. Airen not need be afraid Shampoo's ramen. It not bite.

[At the word "bite", Ranma looks down at his leg and shudders.]

RANMA: But...

[He looks up to find that he is addressing empty air. Shampoo has already
gone back into the kitchen.]

NABIKI: Ranma, sometimes you are so pathetic it surprises even me.

[Ranma sort of snaps out of the general fear-state he's been in for the past
few minutes.]

RANMA: Nani?!

NABIKI: You've been eating in my house, and I know your style. I find it
rather difficult to believe that you can't aim accurately enough to pick the
beef and vegetables out of an order of ramen.

[Ranma takes one look at Nabiki's smug expression and the last vestiges of
fear fade from his face... abruptly replaced by a sudden realization. His
hand reaches for his wallet, and he winces a bit as he pulls it from its
pocket.]

RANMA: So how much do I owe you?

[Nabiki holds up a hand.]

NABIKI: Don't insult me. Ego deflation comes free of charge.

[Ranma slides the wallet back into its pocket and winces again.]

RANMA (thoughts): At least I'll only have to live with these burns for
another week.

[Shampoo comes bouncing out of the kitchen and places two bowls on the
table.]

SHAMPOO: Enjoy ramen, airen!

[The Vikings start up the four-part harmony again.]

SHAMPOO: When Shampoo say quiet, she mean QUIET!

[Shampoo produces a Bonbori From Nowhere(tm) and tosses it in the general
direction of the Vikings. The four-part harmony becomes three-part harmony
in the instant before it dies out.]

SHAMPOO: Stupid Vikings...

[One of the Vikings motions Shampoo over to his table.]

VIKING: Excuse me... I'd like the ramen, ramen, ramen, ramen, ramen, ramen,
beefbowl, and ramen.

[The other Vikings start the chant again. Ranma looks distinctly pained.]

SHAMPOO (thought): Shampoo does not NEED THIS!

SHAMPOO (smiling): Shampoo sorry, but we all out beefbowl.

VIKING: That's all right. Just give me ramen instead.

[The four-part harmony picks up again. Ranma is beginning to twitch
nervously.]

SHAMPOO: You want ramen, ramen, ramen, ramen, ramen, ramen, ramen, and
ramen?

[The four-part harmony swells to a crescendo, and is suddenly silenced by a
primal scream from Ranma. His chopsticks clatter to the floor, and he looks
around frantically with a wild look in his eyes. He plunges his hands into
the steaming bowl of ramen in front of him, and lifts them out, the noodles
forming what looks like boxing gloves around his hands. A strange hissing
and bubbling noise comes from his throat, as the noodles shoot out in a fan,
sweeping all the Vikings through the front window of the Nekohanten and
flinging them a few blocks down. Nabiki decides that discretion is the
better part of valor and bolts for the relative safety of the far corner.
Shampoo looks on with wide eyes.]

SHAMPOO: Ai... airen?

[The noodles retract back into the boxing glove shapes as Ranma turns to
Shampoo, a vacant and quizzical look on his face. He continues to make
bubbling noises.]

SHAMPOO: Forgive Shampoo, but airen not himself.

[Shampoo draws her bonbori and leaps at Ranma. The phrase "Big Mistake"
comes to mind as the bonbori are ripped from her grasp by two long, starchy
tendrils and she is flung against the wall near the kitchen. Ranma advances
on her, hissing and bubbling as menacingly as it is possible to hiss and
bubble.]

SHAMPOO (in a small voice): Aiya...

SHAMPOO (desperately): Great-grandmother! Mousse! Shampoo need little bit of
help here...

[She leaps out of the way as a veritable torrent of ramen slams into the
wall. Ranma's gaze tracks her around the room as she manages to narrowly
evade the ramen time and again. Mousse and Cologne come out of the kitchen,
and Mousse is struck by the sight.]

MOUSSE (thoughts): Ranma... what has happened to him? And why is he
attacking my Shampoo?

[Cologne pogoes over to Nabiki, who is calling on years of experience with
the weirdness of Nerima to remain fairly calm.]

COLOGNE (muttered): What came over son-in-law?

NABIKI: Akane tried to make him some instant ramen last night. I think you
can guess the rest. But why...?

[She gestures to Ranma, who has managed to snare Shampoo in one of the
tendrils of ramen. A razor-edged boomerang severs the strand, and Shampoo
drops to the ground. The boomerang arcs back to Mousse's sleeve, slicing a
few more tendrils along the way.]

MOUSSE: I don't know what has come over you, Saotome, but you will pay for
hurting Shampoo!

COLOGNE (thoughts): It appears the Neko-ken is not the only technique of its
kind.

COLOGNE: Great-granddaughter! Mousse! This... thing is a variation on the
Neko-ken.

[Mousse nods, produces a water balloon from his left sleeve, and flings it
at Ranma. Ranma only stares at the unfamiliar object until it collides with
his chest... and the requisite trans-gender morph takes place. However,
onna-Ranma is still hissing and bubbling, and the ramen still forms globes
around her hands.]

COLOGNE (thoughts): So... this mindset is more resilient.

[Cologne leaps in for a pressure-point strike but is batted back by a fan of
ramen. She manages to brake herself against a wall with her staff and flips
a few times before landing on the ground.]

COLOGNE (thoughts): But the technique is no less powerful. Perhaps if...

COLOGNE: Great-granddaughter! The Formula 411, and quickly!

[Shampoo looks a bit puzzled for a minute, and then the meaning of Cologne's
words dawns on her.]

SHAMPOO: Shampoo be right back!

[Shampoo leaps to the staircase and dashes upstairs. A tendril of ramen
snags her ankle, but a scythe-blade from Mousse cuts it in two.]

COLOGNE: Mousse! Distract... it. I need to get through its defenses.

MOUSSE (thoughts): Distract it? How do you distract something with the brain
of a bowl of ramen?

[Nabiki sees Mousse's puzzled expression, grabs a pair of chopsticks from
one of the tables, and clicks them together sharply. Onna-Ranma tenses at
the sound.]

MOUSSE (thoughts): Thank you, Nabiki. I wonder how much you'll charge for
this...

[Each of Mousse's sleeves suddenly sprouts a four-foot long steel set of
chopsticks. He clashes them together like a strange set of castanets. With a
howl of fear and fury, onna-Ranma sends a massive rush of ramen at Mousse...
and Cologne leaps in and jabs the nape of onna-Ranma's neck. Onna-Ranma
slumps to the ground, and the ramen collapses into lifelessness, but not
before Mousse is flung against the wall and nigh-smothered in ramen. Shampoo
leaps back down the stairs, the specially formulated shampoo and all the
elements of the Xi Fa Xiang Gao in her hands. She takes one look at the
damage and gasps.]

SHAMPOO: Airen...

COLOGNE: He is unconscious, great-granddaughter. It will be easier to apply
the shiatsu that way. Be as thorough as you can... I want no trace of that
strange technique left in son-in-law.

SHAMPOO (eagerly): Can Shampoo take away Neko-ken too?

[Cologne shakes her head.]

COLOGNE: That technique extends too far back in his mind,
great-granddaughter. His latest fury can be traced to yesterday evening at
the latest.

[Shampoo sighs, and goes to work with a vengeance. 51 seconds, one splash of
hot water, and one jabbed sleep spot later, Ranma wakes up and looks around
curiously. He notices the bandages wrapped around his arms and feels the
burns under his shirt and pants.]

RANMA: Guess I went too far with the amariguken training again.

[Shampoo opens her mouth to say something, but is cut off by a light tap to
the wrist from Cologne's staff.]

COLOGNE (whispered to Shampoo): His mind is trying to make sense of his
current predicament. Let it, unless you want the ramen-ken to take over
again.

[Shampoo nods once to her grandmother and smiles at Ranma.]

SHAMPOO: Airen want ramen?

[Ranma doesn't even flinch at the word.]

RANMA: Sure, Shampoo, that'd be great. I'm starved.

[Cologne heads into the back room, leaving Shampoo, Ranma, and Nabiki in the
main area... with an unconscious Mousse still slumped against the wall.
Ranma notices Mousse.]

RANMA: What happened to HIM?

SHAMPOO: Umm... he...

NABIKI: I'm not surprised you don't remember. A few of the patrons got a bit
too "friendly" with Shampoo and Mousse took exception. He took a few bowls
of ramen and a bonbori to the head.

[Nabiki taps Ranma on the back of the head, and Ranma winces.]

NABIKI: And so did you, after one of them grabbed Shampoo's wrist and a
bonbori went flying. I'm surprised you got blindsided... but then, you get
so engrossed in your food...

[Nabiki motions back to the table where she and Ranma were sitting, and
Ranma walks over, sits down, and begins eating, shoveling down food in the
grand Saotome style. In other words, like there's no tomorrow.]

SHAMPOO (whispered to Nabiki): How much more Shampoo owe you?

NABIKI: Nothing. After all, you have me under contract for the rest of the
night.

[Shampoo smiles at that.]

SHAMPOO: Including making up story why airen stay here tonight?

[Nabiki gets a smirk on her face that should strike fear into the heart of
any carefully planned scheme.]

NABIKI: If it should come to that.

[Shampoo sees the smirk on Nabiki's face and blanches. Ranma, meanwhile, has
wolfed down both the bowl of ramen that was in front him and the special
that Nabiki ordered. He walks over to the two girls, a smile on his face.]

RANMA: Come on, Nabiki. We'd better get home before Akane starts getting
ideas.

[A look of desperation comes into Shampoo's eyes, but she quickly blinks it
aside and adopts a much more... seductive... demeanor. She slinks over to
Ranma and starts running a finger along the fabric of Ranma's shirt.]

SHAMPOO: Airen not want spend night? Shampoo not mind...

[Ranma just stands for a few seconds, blinking, and then gently takes her
hand in his and pushes it away. He smiles, just a bit.]

RANMA: I like my skull in one piece, thank you. Akane has enough reasons to
hate me as it is.

[He takes Nabiki's hand, and the two walk out the door. Shampoo glares after
Nabiki, and then sighs as the two turn the corner and walk out of sight.]

SHAMPOO (thoughts): Money girl must have antidote or some...thing...

[Shampoo picks a bowl up off the floor and examines it. It's identical to
the bowl of ramen that Cologne "spiked" earlier. She looks at the table
where Ranma and Nabiki sat. Sure enough, there are two bowls there, both
picked clean through the Saotome School of Anything Goes Chow Scarfing.]

SHAMPOO (thoughts): Then that means... Ranma was fighting with...

[She hears a sound behind her, and wheels, eyes almost fearful, to see
Mousse regaining consciousness. Some of the ramen Ranma flung at him had
gotten into his mouth, and his not-quite-aware body chews and swallows
before Shampoo can say anything. The effect is electric, to say the least. I
would say that a lecherous gleam comes into his eyes, but the glasses are
still on, so it's impossible to tell.]

MOUSSE: My darling Shampoo... you look ravishing tonight.

[Mousse cuts himself free of the ramen with a few claw swipes and begins to
slowly advance on Shampoo. Shampoo's eyes get a little bit wider.]

SHAMPOO (shakily): Mousse not do anything he regret next morning...

MOUSSE: I would never regret tonight, my love.

[Shampoo brings her bonbori down on Mousse's head in a slam guaranteed to
knock him unconscious. At least, it would be. Mousse's arms blur as he
catches the bonbori in a pair of claws and almost casually draws them from
Shampoo's grip. He turns the bonbori over a few times, through a few deft
flicks of the claw blades, and tosses them aside.]

MOUSSE: You will not be needing those tonight, my goddess.

SHAMPOO (softly): Aiya...

[She grabs the front of Mousse's robe and swings him around before he knows
what she's doing. He goes flying into the opposite wall. Not even bothering
to look where he lands, she races out the door to the Nekohanten. Mousse
picks himself up and rushes out after her, chuckling to himself.]

[We cut to a shot of one of the streets of Nerima. The moon is out, and the
stars are shining brightly. Shampoo sprints across the street, knocking over
a sidewalk stall in the process.]

SHAMPOO (voiceover): This has not been Shampoo's day...

MOUSSE (offscreen): Come to me, my angel of the night!

[Mousse swings in, taking the high road, leaping from rooftop to rooftop and
occasionally hooking his chains around light poles. He swings across the
moon in the shot, and the shot freezes as he is silhouetted against it.]

[Fade to black.]

****

And now for something completely different... the author's notes.

****

Okay, so I didn't take the Spam sketch verbatim. I embellished a bit. Okay,
I embellished a lot. But one thing just led to another...

This was not supposed to take this long, but I get ideas. Especially that
"ramen-ken" thing. I don't know where THAT came from.

Comments and criticism are welcome. Flames will be extinguished with
concentrated 2,4,6-trinitrotoluene.

--G. Falconar